Loss of a Sibling

[jvicktwin]

Dear Cursedlove114

God's ways are not always "our way". I don't understand the ways of God. I guess no one does. But... I do know He loves you. He understands all the feelings you are experiencing.

Please don't shut Him out. He is waiting with outstreched arms, waiting to comfort you and help you through this horrible time. I don't understand Ann's death either, but I know God doesn't make mistakes. It WILL work out for our good.

I pray peace and understanding for you and your parents. God Bless You, Jan

Dear clittlelady,

I know none of us will ever forget those we have loved. We just learn to live without them and try to remember the good things. We were blessed to have them for the time God allowed. I wouldn't trade my memories for anything. We just have to go on..Be a blessing to others as much as we can..and trust God to hold and keep us. Thank you for sharing your story. God Bess You Jan

[swede1]

Clittlelady,

Goodness, don't ever feel like you have to apologize for writing about a loss, even if it's one from long ago! I remember, after my furboy passed, asking a former friend how it felt for her NOW after losing her 1st husband 20 years previous. She said, "Oh NO....it was still only YESTERDAY in my head." That made me feel MUCH better ( it was the only really helpful thing she ever said! )because then I knew that missing a loved one went beyond time, as we know it, and it was okay to grieve forever, in some way. Your brother sounds like a gem of a man. Mine wasn't, but of the 2 brothers, he was way better and at least did SOME things that made me feel like a sister. What happened to your brother was very tragic and I'm sorrier than you know that you lost the best, perhaps only, one you had. Things like this certainly aren't what we'd call fair. I can even relate to how your mom came away from this, as I considered my furboy my child and when I lost him, yes, that "spark" went out of my eye, too. For her to not want to go through that with another child is so understandable, although I think of it a different way. Of course, with animals, one assumes, unless you're already elderly too, you'll outlive them ( kind of silly, since you can't really know that ), but I'd RATHER be the one left than to leave my 'children' behind to feel like I'M feeling. But that WAS one of the things I was immediately grateful for when my brother died AFTER my Mom. I knew that had he died first, she would have gone anyway, from the heartache...even if he wasn't the best son to her. My heart bled for you, having to tell your mother the terrible news of the accident. I can't imagine...but better it came from you, her daughter, than anyone else, I think.

How awful, though, that we have to look for such little blessings to try to offset the much bigger pains. And yet, what else are we to do when the whys and wherefores are seemingly hidden to us? I really HATE this spiritual 'system', the way it seems to be set up. While I'm pretty certain things go on 'behind the scenes' that we aren't more than vaguely aware of, I rail against the fact that we're NOT aware of them! Who in their right mind ever set it up this way?! It all just feels like crumbs we're tossed, to me.

I still don't know exactly what to do with my brother's death, in my head or heart. I find I still say I can't even BELIEVE he's really GONE. One more chance of making a relationship better, taken away from me, from him. I can't believe that between the 2 of us, we'd done enough to HEAL anything in either of us, to learn a lesson that would serve one or the other of us, for him to be given 'leave' to go so suddenly. There seems to BE no meaning in his death. Even with my Mom, I can see that something shifted, between her and me, and so it almost makes it understandable that her time here ended soon after. But not with my brother. The ONLY thing that's even remotely okay about it is that, given the severity of his stroke, I know for a FACT that he wouldn't have wanted to continue to live here, as we'd just discussed this kind of thing mere weeks before. He liked his relative mobility and wanted to live the way HE liked, with no one else imposing rules or procedures, etc. on him. He'd said he'd rather be dead than have to even live in a nursing home where he couldn't smoke his pipe whenever and wherever he wanted, for example.

I know through the years that I'd fondly remember a few times shared during his 1st and 2nd marriages, when we started to become more like friends rather than siblings...and how I'd think, " This is so ODD, especially in MY family, but it's nice, and I'm glad it's between US and not my other ( antisocial ) brother." I imagined it was more like what NORMAL families were like. When I lost that a few years later, to family problems, I pined for it every so often and had to stuff those feelings down for fear of depressing myself once again. Since all the bad stuff happened just as I was dating my present husband, he's never been a part of those old times ( although he worked with my brother for a time ), and in light of bad things my brother did during these problems, he's never seen his better sides. While he may not have liked him much anyway, there was never that chance to find out. The end result is, I have no one but my remaining, horrible brother to even share these things with. I'd even talk to my ex about my brother, but he's disappeared, possibly to a different country, too...so my past is truly missing in action. I just read that with parents, we lose our past, with spouses we lose our present, but with siblings we lose our past, present AND future....and that strikes me as right-on. Given that, it's even more of a mystery to me why sibling loss is so ignored in society.

[swede1]

Here is a webpage that everyone suffering with holidays, etc. should find helpful. This is a very useful and large site overall, so don't limit your reading to just this one page from it!

http://griefhealing.com/copingwithholidaysarticles.htm

[jenyfer]

Hello

i have a question for everyone.

its been 4years since my half brother has passed on.

July 29th 2001 - Micheal Paul Sands

he was 20years old. he died in a car accident.

the only thing that still bothers me, is i love him with all my heart because he is my brother. my older brother. but the thing that bothers me, is he never knew about me. and never met me, and i never knew of him until i was 11yrs. i am 19 now. with a beautiful little girl.

the only question i have is, does it seem weird because i love him even though we dont know each other. and that my depression has sunk to a different level because i never knew him. i dreamed about meeting my brother but it has never happened. and now it is too late for him to know me.

i talk abuot him alot to my dad, and all he can tell me is "he would have loved knowing you, you two act alike." i just wish i knew him. him and my sister (colleen marie sands) she died too... so now im the only child!~

i never had a brother or sister around me! i grew up an only child. and i wish i knew him. please help me understand this

Sincerely Jenyfer

[aprilsmom]

No Jenyfer, it's not odd at all. Siblings have this unspoken, unbreakable connection that is often difficult to understand. I lost my 26 yr. old daughter almost a year ago in a car accident and her 2 brothers and 2 sisters are still grieving HARD. They told me about a special sibling site for you if you're interested groups.msn.com/lossofasiblingsupportgroup

Take Care, Renee

[lilly50]

I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

[lacey3804]

Hello: I am a new member and lost my only sibling, my brother, Kevin to suicide on December 18, 2000. It will be 5 years since he has been gone but I still don't feel like I have any closure or end to the guilt and grief that I feel from his suicide. I had lost my father 3 years prior to Kevin's death and it was always just the 3 of us, since my Mother left when we were young. I hate it when people say, "You will get over it, or it will get easier as time goes by." A day doesn't go by when I don't think of him and wonder WHY he ended his life. I feel such guilt over his death that sometimes it is overwhelming.

I have told my family, and I really feel that I am not the same person since my brother's suicide. It is a loss like no other and unless you are a suicide survivor, you will never know the pain and confusion that this loss leaves you.

I would appreciate any suggestions or resources that anyone may be able to provide.

Thank you and God Bless,

Karen Coffey-Sherman

[nancy55]

Hello, usually I am on the site of losing a partner. But, on Oct 21st I lost my 41 year old brother. He was found deceased in bed. Autopsy reports are pending, although he was an epiletic and had been off his medicine for 6 months. I lost my husband June 21st to lung cnacer. This pain is too hard to tolerate. I have so many questions why?? I don't understand why this has to happen. Nothing will ever be the same. Why should my 75 year old mother have to lose a son?? He was an identical twin, and his twin brother is also torn apart. Our family doesn't deserve this, nor does any family. God bless you all, Nancy

[mattsdad]

I agree that the pain is intolerable. There is no answer as to why things like this happen . We do not deserve such events. And YES. Things will never be the same. But if you can get some solace from all of the members here at Beyond Indigo we all feel your loss. I lost a son less than 3 months ago and little makes sense. Which also means my daughter and son lost their brother . The pain remains the same. Keep coming back here and we will understand what you feel and will help you through this tragic time...

We all hope we can be of help in your hard times.

Jeff

[lisalis237]

I have not lost a sibling but my boyfriend has recently lost his brother in a motorcycle accident. I am very close with his mom and am definite that my boyfriend and I have a future together as husband and wife. I am struggling a great deal with how to help him. I was curious if anyone on here had any advice for things their boyfriends/girlfriends husbands/wives did that helped. Or any advice for me to use to help him as I have delt with my fair share of death but have not lost one of my own siblings.

[maskott]

Lisalis237..my son died 3 months ago and I have been trying to help my other children through this. My daughter-18 kept saying that no one would talk to her. Her friends were afraid to cause pain so they kind of avoided her. She needed to talk about her brother even if she ended up in tears. My other son-22 keeps things to himself. I asked his girfriend if he talked to her and she said no. In fact, she said he was so upset one day but he wouldn't talk about it. It turned out that was the 2 month anniversary and she was so upset that he hadn't reminded her. I got him aside a few days later and made him talk about it. So...what my advice is-talk to him about his brother. Have him talk about his memories. Allow him to cry...let him know its ok to cry. Men have this idea that they have to be strong (something my husband and son have said) but what they need is to release their emotions and talk. Someone sent us this saying soon after my son died: "The mention of my childs name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me here the music of their name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul" I think that this applies to siblings as well as children. Be there for him, hug him, talk to him. Be supportive. That's all we can do to help each other through this tough time.

BettyAnn

[jvicktwin]

Hello, usually I am on the site of losing a partner. But, on Oct 21st I lost my 41 year old brother. He was found deceased in bed. Autopsy reports are pending, although he was an epiletic and had been off his medicine for 6 months. I lost my husband June 21st to lung cnacer. This pain is too hard to tolerate. I have so many questions why?? I don't understand why this has to happen. Nothing will ever be the same. Why should my 75 year old mother have to lose a son?? He was an identical twin, and his twin brother is also torn apart. Our family doesn't deserve this, nor does any family. God bless you all, Nancy

I know how your brother feels. I lost my identical twin sister 19 months ago. I felt like half of me died. I did not think I could survive the pain...but God is a wonderful God, and He is the only way I survived. Trust Him. He will carry you through. It has been the hardest trial I have ever had to face. God Bless you and your entire family. With much heart-felt love and compassion. Jan

[jessah417]

Lisalis237 I agree with Maskott that the best thing is to talk about it. I lost my 16 year old sister 2 years ago in a car accident and people are afraid to mention things about her around me. But honestly I love to talk about her. Even just remembering times we've shared. Also when other people bring her up it makes me feel good too just to know that other people are thinking of her. My sympathys to you and your boyfriends family.

[shootingstarr]

This is my first visit to this board and this is my story.

I lost my sister two months ago on August 29, 2005. She died of breast cancer after a 14 year battle. In those 14 years she had some very good quality time in her life but it was the last year that was the worst. Over the years I travelled across country several times and stayed with her while she received treatment, caring for her at her home. I knew how ill she was and tried to prepare myself for the end but nothing in this world can prepare someone for the crushing blow that comes with losing someone who was everything to you. She was my sister and my best friend but more than that she was my soul sister. We knew each other better than anyone ever could...she completed me as a person.

I was with her by her side till her last breath. As I held her in my arms, kissed her face and told her she was a gift to the world, that she could let go and be free, she left me forever. While I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to be with her when she died I feel completely wrecked in losing her! Nothing is the same anymore and I fear it will never be. Some days are better than others but the bad days leave me crying right down to my toes unable to do anything! I am learning alot about grief however, that there is no way around it, that it's like a wall that is too high and too wide and all you can do is go through it. It's too much work to fight grief,,,to pretend things are fine, instead I am going with it, accepting every feeling that comes. At times I feel the need to attend a support group which I may very well do. I need to talk about my sister and what it has been like to lose her. My family is dealing with their own grief and we do support each other but grief really is a solitary hell. One thing I have found to be really helpful is a journal. Before my sister died I bought a beautiful spiral bound journal with a lighthouse on the front (she lived near lighthouses). I promised myself that when she was gone that I would continue to talk to her through writing in the journal. So that's what I do. I write down my feelings about her being gone like I am telling it to her. I write to her about things that continue to happen in my life just like when we'd talk on the phone for hours (of lordy the phone bills were enormous!!!). I use a fountain pen and have even scented the ink with her favourite perfume. Crazy? Maybe. But on days I write to her it feels like therapy.

I still can't quite believe she is gone forever. I miss her beyond words.

[jvicktwin]

This is my first visit to this board and this is my story.

I lost my sister two months ago on August 29, 2005. She died of breast cancer after a 14 year battle. In those 14 years she had some very good quality time in her life but it was the last year that was the worst. Over the years I travelled across country several times and stayed with her while she received treatment, caring for her at her home. I knew how ill she was and tried to prepare myself for the end but nothing in this world can prepare someone for the crushing blow that comes with losing someone who was everything to you. She was my sister and my best friend but more than that she was my soul sister. We knew each other better than anyone ever could...she completed me as a person.

I was with her by her side till her last breath. As I held her in my arms, kissed her face and told her she was a gift to the world, that she could let go and be free, she left me forever. While I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to be with her when she died I feel completely wrecked in losing her! Nothing is the same anymore and I fear it will never be. Some days are better than others but the bad days leave me crying right down to my toes unable to do anything! I am learning alot about grief however, that there is no way around it, that it's like a wall that is too high and too wide and all you can do is go through it. It's too much work to fight grief,,,to pretend things are fine, instead I am going with it, accepting every feeling that comes. At times I feel the need to attend a support group which I may very well do. I need to talk about my sister and what it has been like to lose her. My family is dealing with their own grief and we do support each other but grief really is a solitary hell. One thing I have found to be really helpful is a journal. Before my sister died I bought a beautiful spiral bound journal with a lighthouse on the front (she lived near lighthouses). I promised myself that when she was gone that I would continue to talk to her through writing in the journal. So that's what I do. I write down my feelings about her being gone like I am telling it to her. I write to her about things that continue to happen in my life just like when we'd talk on the phone for hours (of lordy the phone bills were enormous!!!). I use a fountain pen and have even scented the ink with her favourite perfume. Crazy? Maybe. But on days I write to her it feels like therapy.

I still can't quite believe she is gone forever. I miss her beyond words.

My twin sister was also my soul-mate, my other half. You are in the beginning stages of grief. You are right...you must go through this process. Don't be afraid to cry and share your pain with others. It will help you get through. God has been my strength. Everyone grieves differently. My two other sisters don't even want to talk about Ann. I am having a hard time understanding that...but they were not there when she died from a misplaced heart stent. I was. It was such a shock. I'm not sure which is the hardest to deal with: losing a loved one when you know it is coming, or losing one suddenly, with no warning. I don't think you are ever prepared emotionally to give them up.

Our sisters would want us to continue living and enjoying life. I hate to tell you that I am now just beginning to go on with my life. I have read that the average time a person grieves is 18 to 24 months. I remember reading that just a few days after Ann passed. I was determined I was not going to hurt and grieve for that long. But...I'm afraid I have.

With my situation, fighting the hospital, doctors, and nurses, who all three were negligent; it is hard to have closure.

Keep writing your sister and talking to her. It really does help until the pain begins to lighten.

Remember the good times. Ann and I were so close, I sometimes can't remember if an incident happened to me or her!

She was a wonderful sister, a best friend, a dear Christian example, Whose shoes I am trying to walk in. I want to make her proud. I know you want to make yours proud to. Let's live a life to exemplify their beauty. Sound like they were both a gift to the world.

I promise, it does get better. Just trust God and hang in there. I will be praying for you. Jan

[nancy55]

Hello everyone, I do feel everyone's pain. Losing my brother Oct 21st was the worst pain I have felt. As much as the pain I felt losing my husband June 21st. I know they are together in heaven. I have to believe they are better off than us. I have 2 very special guardian angels now. I can't believe I have to live this nightmare. But, I will go on. And I will deal with every emotion of grieving that comes along. I will not fight it. Grief is real feelings and I am not going to shut them out. I believe you grieve as deep as you loved that person. God bless all of you, Nancy55

[maris2873]

Dear All,

I just read all your stories about losing a brother or sister and I felt the need to respond.

It has been 13 years since I lost my older brother Peter. He left us to a car accident. Soon after he passed I found this site and would constantly read all the stories of people who shared my pain. As the years passed, I stopped visiting for no particular reason. However, as of recently I find myself back here more and more. Maybe it's for a reason. When I visit beyond indigo the memory of the day Peter left us comes right back to me. I don't mean that I only remember when I am here--- I mean this brings me right back to that time 13 years ago.

I want you to know that what you are a;; going through is the absolute worst possible pain that a person could ever feel- The only pain that can top losing a sibling is a mothers. I know you feel that nobody understands or can relate to what you feel and you know what, you are right! The only one’s that can understand are the people who have felt it themselves, who have unfortunately lived through the experience of losing someone who is part of you...........

I promise that in time, things will get easier. It will never go away--NEVER-- but in time the pain does lesson.

My brother was my star.... I loved him so much and everyone knew it---He was the favorite child- the only boy--and just the apple of my mothers eye- (it was just him and I- no other siblings) I always had such a special love, like an overwhelming love for him that sometimes I feel the reason it was so strong is because his time was going to be cut short and God made this love for him special...If it makes any sense??(It sounds better in my head then on paper). Anyway, Peter was the typical older brother... Beat the crap out of me- teased me—mean to me-- all the normal behavior of an older brother who loved to torture his little sister-- I was 17 when he died and he was 19. He had come home with friends for spring break that year- 1993-- He went away to college in New Hampshire and my mother and I lived in Manhattan. We grew up in the city. So it was kind of cool to bring his new college buddies to NYC to hang.... So, when he left for school the kid who was driving feel asleep at the wheel and Peter was killed instantly. It's crazy cuz there were four of them and not one of them other then Peter left the accident with anything more then a scratch. In my heart and because of my belief and faith about life on earth and after life- I know that no matter where Peter was sitting in that car, he was going to die. Another thing that was unusual was his behavior when he was home that week. He was some what out of character for him-- He was just Great, sweet, loving and all of that- It's like he knew in some way.

Not a day has passed in 13 years that Peter doesn't cross my mind in some way or another. It might be a quick moment or a memory of something we did. There have been days where I can’t get him out of mind the entire day. Those are the bad days. However, time has eased the pain of his presence. I will never be the same again and it has created many personal issues for me- It changed me forever and I will always look at life with a different set of eyes.

I am sorry if I vented a bit but it's been a while since I have talked about Peter in this way to anyone.

It always feels better when you can talk to someone who can relate. You might find it hard to speak to people who don't understand. People tend to shy away from this type of situation. They don't know what to say, they fear they might say the wrong thing. They will always be our brothers and sisters and no one can ever take that from us. We have all shared many memories with them...You have to talk about him / her. You can’t just erase them from your lives… Many times people will confuse a memory that we are trying to share about them and think we are talking about them dying and will shy away from the subject. Does that make any sense?

I think I have written all I can for the moment. Again, I apologize if I have said too much. I hope you know that they are never far from our call and will never be gone from us. They will be right beside you whenever you call. It's not them that suffer at all.... It's all of us that are left missing them that hurt-- I don't speak of after life in a religious manner but in a strong belief in faith and God and Spirituality. Hopefully I will speak further about this.

My Best,

Marisa (Marisa2873@aol.com)

Also, I made a memorial page for Peter years ago if anyone would like to look at it—maybe you can get an idea of who we are talking about- Peter Jon Salamone 1973-1993

By the way- I am now 29 years old- I married last year and moved to Florida after our wedding---

[aprilsmom]

Dear Marisa, Thank you for writing every single bit of that; i needed to hear it. My daughters 29, 24 and sons 17, 13 lost their 26 yr. old sister in a car accident and it is very hard to get them to talk about April. They were all so close......maybe someday; i know it also hurts them to see me upset so I try to stay strong around them so that they can talk. Tomorrow is April's 4th wedding anniversary (they were all in her wedding) and the 17th is the one yr. anniversary of the accident. We are devastated....thanks for telling it like it is. Take Care, Renee I'll visit the website. Please look at ours too - it's listed in the profile above.

[lacey88]

Hey everyone I'm so srry for your lost...I havent been on here for almost a year and I thought I'll come on and see whats new and read all your stories and Im very sorry...I lost my sister almost 2 years it will be 2 years February 22 of 2006.......I still cry off and on somedays but other days I try to have a good day if not then I just want to be alone when she passed away a couple days later i had a dream that she was an angel and she said to tell everyone that she loves them and that she is ok that like freak me out....but i still have dreams about here and sometimes i swear i can feel her around but remember that there always going to be there you cant see them but they are there I didnt think so at first till her pics kept on fallin just hers and i knew it was her but anyways if anyone needs to talk just email me at ranjis_gurl05@hotmail.com or if you have yahoo its little_angel_devil_2005@yahoo.ca thanxs for your time and once again Im so srry about your lost...

[cursedlove114]

lacey,

i'm so sorry to hear about your sister. i lost my brother matthew about 3 months ago.. it was 3 months on november 7th. it's just a horrible feeling to lose someone you care so much about. you can't even explain the pain. i haven't had any signs of matthew yet.. but i'm waiting for them. i just want to know that he is happy.

this is the first post i've posted in probably 2 months. i want to try to get back into it just because i need to be able to talk about him. none of my friends understand.. no one really does. they don't know the pain that we feel, and will continue to feel for the rest of our lives. it's easier to talk to people who have gone through this.

if anyone wants to talk, i'll be here.. or you can email me at sweet_n_innocent1288@yahoo.com

[Guest Guest]

hey, everyone, i'm kind of new here. my little sister passed almost a year ago, when she was 9 and i was 13, from a genetic disorder called Noonan Syndrome, and i've been having trouble dealing with it. i mean, i knew from the day she was born that it was possible for her to up and die at any given moment (she wasn't even expected to reach age 3), but i guess i never thought it would actually happen. and i certainly didn't think it would happen without me. i was sitting in English class, just talking with friends since we had free time becuase it was the last day before t-day break, when the principal came in, told me to grab my stuff and leave, there was a squad car waiting for me out front, my sister was in the hospital and my parents were already there waiting for me. when i got there, i found out what happened: she'd been running on the playground with her friends when she suddenly collapsed. her heart had stopped and she wasn't breathing. paramedics tried to revive her but they couldn't. needless to say, i can't stand t-day, at least not this year. the anniversary is November 22, and i have no idea how to cope with that. if any of you have been there and would like to share some tips on coping (even though i know everyone deals with things differently, it's still nice to talk to people who've actually been there instead of just talking to my shrink), i'd really appreciate it. also, i have a pretty bad anxiety disorder which got extremely worse when allison passed. since then i've improved a bit, but i'm worried that the same thing will happen on the anniversary. if there's one thing i want to avoid in the world, it's going back to that mental state again. any tips would be appreciated.

it's really very neat to find boards like this. i only have one friend who sort of understands exactly what i'm going through, and that's because my sister was like a sister to her as well, we all grew up together. but still, it's not the same, she didn't live with her 24/7 for almost 10 years. then i have friends who've lost grandparents in the past and assume that it's the exact same pain that i'm feeling now. i understand that losing a grandparent isn't easy either but it's not the same as a lil sis. so being able to find others who've gone through similar ordeals is really great and although i think i've said it 3 or 4 times already, help is always appreciated.

[Guest Guest]

hey Maris2873, i just read your post and noticed you said your brother seemed like he knew he was going to die. well, i think the same thing about my sister. in the weeks before she passed, she was acting different, nothing huge, but perceptible. she started talking to her friend Rachel, who is 50% deaf in both ears, about Heaven, and how in Heaven Rachel would be able to hear perfectly without her hearing aids, and my sis would be able to play sports (she couldn't normally because she only had one kidney, and if she were to get hit in the back with a ball, it could injure her remaining one severely), and she'd be able to talk to Hank, our neighbor, who passed 2 years before. it seemed a little odd that she would suddenly bring that up, but no one really paid much attention to it. then she mentioned to my mom that when she died, she wanted to be cremated, not buried, and wanted her remains scattered "some place nice". it was an odd request, but my mom said ok. now that i think back, it really does seem like she knew, somehow, but i don't know how. it's strange how things like that seem to happen. i thought i was just imagining things, drawing lines where there weren't any, but reading your post made me realize my sister wasn't the only one who seemed to just know, which is a relief.

[flossy51]

Hi,

We just lost our 40 yr old brother due to sudden death. We did not hear from him in several days so I had the maintainance man let me into his apartment and I found him. He had been there several days according to the funeral director. An autopsy has been done and we are awaiting results. He has been seeing a pschyiatrist who has prescribed heavy narcotic meds to him. We have been in contact with the doctor and even wrote a letter asking him to resign as his doctor knowing that he abused the meds. Just last month, he had been hospitalized for attempted suicide by cutting his arms and legs. Still the doc gave him all this medication aware of this with all our complaints. Has anyone been in this situation and what have they done about it. Right now I am in a state of total anger because we just buried my brother yesterday. Anyone who can help, please reply.

[lostgrievingsister]

Flossy51

I am so sorry to hear about your brother... I wish I had some words of wisdom to get you through your pain and loss... I lost my brother March 29, 2004, he was killed in a car accident. He was hit head on by a Semi. I will never know what really happened there was no toxicology done on the truck driver and he blamed my brother. The investigation determined that my 24 year old brother fell asleep driving and crossed to the other lane. If that is the case than there is still the question of why there was no evidence or indication that the truck driver did anything to prevent the accident. He didn't even swirve or hit his brakes... I still believe it was the truck drivers fault. I probably always will.

Anyway the main reason I responded to you is that I tried to take my life in the past and my step father succeeded in taking his life following the death of my brother. I know that when someone really wants to take their life that there is nothing anyone can do to stop them... they will find a way. I also know that in most cases it is no one elses fault that it happened or that the person did not love the people in their life and want them in their life... There is just so much going on in their mind and heart that it feels hopeless and painful and they don't see that it will ever get better and they give up... I am not an expert but I have been there on both sides and have spoken to many people who have attempted to take their life... I have come a long way since I tried to take my life. I have many reasons to live and the main one is my children... but there are still days when I feel like things are hopeless and I grieve daily for my baby brother but you have to take things one day at a time.

As for the doctor contact your state board of Phsyciatric or medical and file a written complaint. If nothing else you may save another person from that doc.

I hope that this helps and that you find peace in your life... it may take a very long time. I am still grieving as if it was yesterday after a year and a half.

Good luck and I again am so sorry for your loss.

Susan

[nancy55]

flossy51, and lostgrievingsister, I know your pain. I lost my 41 year old healthy brother Oct 21st. He died in his sleep. I am so angry and scared. I want to know he is ok. I want to know that my husband met him at heaven's door. My husband died June 21st and my brother Oct 21st. This has been the worst year of my life. My husband had lung cancer, I knew what the outcome would be...but I still wasn't ready to live without Mike. Then the tragic lost of my brother has knocked me down completely. I pray for you out there that are suffering this horrible loss.The pain is huge. My heart hurts daily. God bless, Nancy

[lostgrievingsister]

Nancy55

I am so very sorry for your losses... Life is just not fair!!! My brother Michael's death was the most devastating day of my life... I know the pain, anger and fear that you talk about and to me huge is an understatement... my heart aches daily. My brother was 24 and he died so suddenly so young... I have lost faith in just about everything at this point. I have health issues and no job or money because of them so I can't even get the help or meds I need and the surgery that is inevitable... I live daily with physical and emotional pain that is unreal. I just wish I could get a break and get the help I need. I also wish that all of you on this site and beyond it can find the peace, answers and help that you need. Sorry I don't really have anyone to talk to besides on this site...

I hope you don't mind my asking. Do they know how your brother died??

Your Friend in Grief,

Susan

[nancy55]

Susan, my brother was epileptic, but was controlled with meds. He had about one seizure a year. Then he started going to a neurologist in Mason City, Iowa when he moved there 2 years ago. That Dr started weaning him off his meds about 6 months ago...even though he had only been seizure free for one year. We are assuming he had a seizure and quit breathing...but we are awaiting the autopsy report. I am a nurse, my is sister an anesthesilogist, another brother a judge(lawyer), a brother an engineer, another brother is a CPA, and another brother a business major. We are all educated people and we will presue a law suit. Ron was 41 years old, had been on meds since he was 13 years old. The Doctors I have talked to say epileptics need to go 2-5 years without seizures before weaning them off their meds. This never happened to my brother. I am so angry..I assure you if he was ever told HE WOULD DIE if he went off his meds...he would have not done so. So, we are pateintly waiting for all the labs and autopsy report to come in. These will not be ready until the first of December. Ron was a college graduate and was district manager over 17 Dollar General stores. He was always achieving high goals. I now want the Dr that did this to him to pay dearly for this loss to us....and lose his practice. My brother was cheated of 40 more years of his life. Thank you for your concern. I know everyone at this site is hurting. I wish you peace and love. Nancy

[maris2873]

Dear all of you.

Nancy-

You are right when you say that if you want to end your life, nothing will stop you. I lost Peter in march of 93 and it still hurts but it get's better in time- when I say better i mean easier to deal with day to day. My brother was also killed in a car when the driver of his car fell asleep. they flipped over the divider and hit a tree. like I have said before in my earlier post, Peter was the only one hurt- they all walked away with minor injuries. If your brother had been sleeping- chances are he had no idea what happened and didnt fear or feel a thing- He was gone before the accident even occured. That is just my feeling about Peter and I feel the same for you. I am sorry that your step father couldn't handle your brother's passing and felt that he couldnt live without him in this world. Your brother was obviously a very loved man. I know that you are feeling emplty and can't see the road a head But I promise you time will ease your pain. We keep them alive with memorys. He will never be gone from you. When you want to talk about him- talk as long and as much as you want. Sometimes people keep it inside and it only gets worse and worse. That's why we have this place. It has been a real blessing for me everytime I need to talk. It's 13 years and I am still dealing with his loss.

All my best.

Marisa

[shootingstarr]

A short time ago a friend sent me this, a meditation by Harry Scott Holland (Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral). I carry it with me always and read it often.

*******************************************************************************

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way in which you always used. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well."

[billysanderssister]

i lost my brother due to an accidental shooting he died april 08 2005 and i miss him so very much he was 13 years old and would have turned 14 11-25-2005

[maskott]

billysanderssister...I'm so sorry about your brother. I lost my son in August and I know my daughter is having a tough time also. She misses him so much. It is especially hard when a birthday comes around. It's also hard if you have no one around who wants to talk to you about him. Keep posting here and maybe you can receive some comfort from the people on this sight.

[billysmom1]

billysanderssister...I'm so sorry about your brother. I lost my son in August and I know my daughter is having a tough time also. She misses him so much. It is especially hard when a birthday comes around. It's also hard if you have no one around who wants to talk to you about him. Keep posting here and maybe you can receive some comfort from the people on this sight.

i want to thank you for your reply to billy's sister it was very kind of you she misses him so much as the rest of us do she is the youngest of the kids and she looked up to him . so thank you

[maskott]

Billysmom1...I certainly try to help when I can. When we found this site I encouraged my daughter to post hoping she would find others that she could talk to. I guess I found that not too many young people want to visit this site. I still visit hoping I can at least give some encouragement. On Thanksgiving I went into my son's room and took out a box of memorabilia that I had found when I cleaned his room. One was a birthday card from my daughter to Matthew and she wrote that she is excited that they are getting really close (he's five years older and always looked at her as his younger sister) Just before he died, they had actually become good friends. Her friends don't want to talk so she has no one to let her emotions out to-except me. Have your daughter write as often as she needs to and if no one else answers, I'll be here to help.

[billysmom1]

Billysmom1...I certainly try to help when I can. When we found this site I encouraged my daughter to post hoping she would find others that she could talk to. I guess I found that not too many young people want to visit this site. I still visit hoping I can at least give some encouragement. On Thanksgiving I went into my son's room and took out a box of memorabilia that I had found when I cleaned his room. One was a birthday card from my daughter to Matthew and she wrote that she is excited that they are getting really close (he's five years older and always looked at her as his younger sister) Just before he died, they had actually become good friends. Her friends don't want to talk so she has no one to let her emotions out to-except me. Have your daughter write as often as she needs to and if no one else answers, I'll be here to help.

thank you i will she's 11 and has her up's and down's

[bpekol]

i lost my brother due to an accidental shooting he died april 08 2005 and i miss him so very much he was 13 years old and would have turned 14 11-25-2005

I lost my sister and her two daughters a week after you lost your brother. They were murdered by her husband and then he took his own life. My grandmother died last week. It has been terribly hard for my mother. She will never be close to the same. I have been better because I think I try to avoid it. But the thought of what has happened is in the back of my thoughts at all times. I find it so much harder to experience joy and will never have that same feeling of security about the world as I used to.

[peaches2005]

My name is Peaches my brother LeDuke was killed on October 18, 2004. My family and I misses my brother so much. A fool came into his place of business (music studio) shot and killed him. It has been a very hard trying to get through my brothers murder, because it has not been solved yet. The chances of his case being solved is becoming thinner and thinner each day. I think GOD took my brother and just sent my a happy baby boy, because they look just alike. My other two brothers are taking my brother's murder very hard also and so is my mother. I am just suggesting that everyone who has lost a sibling to dealth to LOOK TO GOD because only he can bring you through it.

[lostgrievingsister]

Peaches,

My name is Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your brother... I truely hope that they find the person responsible and that he gets what he deserves. I lost my step brother Kenny about 3 years ago when he opened a door in a hotel room that he was staying in with two friends... only to have some jerk unload his gun into him... they know who did it but they haven't caught him yet. I also lost my brother Michael March 29, 2004. He was killed in a car accident on his way home from work. At the time his sons were 5 and 10 months... His baby looks just like him. His death completely devastated me and my family... all of us deal with it in our own ways my mom and I grieve alot for him still and my sister seems to take it pretty well although I know how much she is hurting... His father however was so overwhelmed with grief that he took his own life shortly after my brothers death... which leaves my remaining brother grieving for my brother and his dad. He is pretty bad off. Everyone has there own ways of dealing with grief and pain...

[brianssissie]

Hello,

My name is Whittany. I am 18 years old and i recently lost my oldest brother Brian. I am the youngest out of 4 kids and the only girl. I grew up to be tough because i got picked on of course by my brothers. My oldest brother was tragically killed in a car accident on December 17, 2004. This December 17 marks the 1 year anniversary of his passing. My brother and I were very close and to this day it still seems hard to believe he is gone and will not be coming home. Sometimes i just stare out the front window hoping he will pull into the driveway and walk through the door. But I know that will never happen. My brother and I had a bond that no one could break. We were like best friends. The day i found out that he was gone, my whole life changed. It will never be the same again. This past year has been really rough on me and my family especially my mom and my 2 other brothers. The pain and hurt i feel is unexplainable. I would give anything to have my brother back but i know that can't happen. Another thing that breaks my heart is that he left behind a 6 year old son ( 5 years old at the time ). My nephew Jeremy was my brothers life, his pride in joy. Not only do i have to live my life without my brother, my mom without her son, but also my nephew without his dad. It hurts everytime I think about it. I try to look out for my nephew as much as i can even though he lives far away. He reminds me so much of my brother and everytime he is around i can feel my brother there with us. They look exactly alike. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief and pain. Some more harder than others. I mostly just cry alot. Noone will ever replace my brother or take his place. I remember all the good memories of him everyday. I know i will see him again someday.

[maris2873]

Dear Whittany,

You are wise beyond your years. I am so sorry to hear about your brother but I will say, out of the many posts and comments that I have read- you seem to have a good perspective on his passing. Just keep thinking about all the memories you have shared together. We all grieve differently and your brother was lucky to have so many people love him and miss him as much as it seems you and your family does. I wish you all the luck in the world with all of your "first" w/o him. This is the hardest time for everybody, next to the day he left this world for the next. Always remember that he will always be close to you even though you might not always know it... I lost Peter my brother in a car accident 13 years ago and even though it still kills me that he isn't here - in this world - next to me - The time has eased my pain. I will never forget him but I am okay day to day..except on the "Important dates".. Every special day will always hold a tint of sadness to it- I was 17 years old when he passed and now I am 29. After he passed I was here on beyond indigo constantly and I can't tell you how it helped me deal with his loss... Just knowing I wasn't alone and that other People felt what I was feeling helped me tremendously.. We are always here for you when you just need to let it out--- Again, I will pray for you during this difficult time for you and your family.

Marisa

[lostgrievingsister]

To Everyone... I find it very sad every time I come back to this site knowing the pain in my heart and the pain that must be in so many of yours and the fact that this forum is visited so little and that sadly enough it has been my only place to go to try to find some kind of help and someone to talk to... I hope that all of you have some other support system and a place to go.

Susan Michael's sister

[maris2873]

Dear Susan,

I am so sorry you are feeling like you have no one to talk here. I also feel the page is a bit slower then it should be. However, sometimes the message boards are for your comments and good wishes to people who have just experienced the same loss we all share. I have tried very hard to hold some conversations with people and it never seems to work out on the message boards. You should sign up for the buddy list and look for people who are going thru what you are. You might be more successful at finding some steady people to share your pain with. I want you to know that I am here for you to talk to and share in what you're feeling right now- My brother died some years ago so my pain isn't as new as yours but I know exactly what you are going through and It does help to talk about it. I am looking forward to hearing from you...

All my best,

Marisa

[brianssissie]

Marisa,

Thank you so much for those kind words. You totally made me feel better. Just reading something like that makes me feel at ease knowing there are alot of other people out there feeling exactly how i feel. Im really sorry to hear about your brother. Iv heard that as time goes on, it gets easier. But you are right. The "1st" of everything is really hard. This past thanksgiving was tremendously hard on me & my mom, we cried alot of the day. I never would have thought that anything like this could happen to me and my family but it just goes to show you that it can happen to anyone. As i was reading what you wrote i cried the whole time. I miss my brother alot, more than words could ever express, but i know he is in better hands now. He is away from all the bad stuff in the world. He is happy and watching over me and my family everyday. Thank you for your support. I will pray for you and your family as well. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can count on me.

Whittany

[andief]

I am at work-teach 4th grade-and i feel paralyzed-

I lost my older sister Sherrie in July-she was killed in a car accident-my dad died 6 weeks later-they called it "deep bereivement".

I am taking care of my 89 year old mother-with whom my sister and I experienced a very turbulent childhood. Sherrie was my sounding board for discussions about a pretty bad childhood. I learned a lot from her that I repressed. We chuckled a lot too about the wackiness.

My dad was basically an absentee parent but I got closer to him as he aged and learned to appreciate who he was. He had been a barrier between me and my mother. Now, all of her complaints and negativity come right to me.

I miss my sister terribly-we had just gotten close 3 years ago after I took care of her during a near mental breakdown. we were on the road to becoming good pals. My emotions are roller-coastery-I feel very alone and scared.

[lostgrievingsister]

Andief,

Hang on and take a deep breath. I am here and willing to talk if you need me. I know the emotional rollercoaster and the insanity and sadness... My 24 year old (would have been 26 Monday) was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago and life will never be the same and then his father (my step-dad who raised me because my father wasn't around alot) killed himself the day before fathers day "deep berievement and guilt". My personal email is lostgrievingsister@yahoo.com please email me if you need to and know that I am here if you want to talk.

Susan Michael's sister

[billysanderssister]

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR BROTHER'S DEATH!!!

[acj1222]

Today is my sister's birthday....and my birthday was this past Sun. I never really feel happy about my birthday, or Christmas. I miss her so much and realize as I'm reading some of these posts, I still really haven't begun to get through my grief...I am so sad! I guess it doesn't help that I've been going through a hard time (my ex left me and now I am a single parent). This time of year just makes everything a bit harder.

I was 14 when my sister died. She was young ~ still a toddler. She died very suddenly (she got sick on Fri. @ 5pm and died the next day @ 1:30pm). While I logically know there was nothing I could do (at least I don't think so), I still struggle with guilt that if I was there, maybe there was something I could've done. (I had gone to a Youth retreat outing from 9 am to around 1pm that morning). I remember seeing her and giving her a kiss before I left for church….I knew she was sick, but I had no idea that was the last time I’d see her….

There were 4 doctors (Pediatric practice) plus the ER doctors involved (major misdiagnosis, but it wouldn't have brought her back as my parents said..that's why they never filed a legal suit. Maybe I’m mad about that….

Ultimately she died of complications to hymopholis (sp) influenza type B (HiB), which progressed to spinal meningitis. There is now a HiB vaccine given to children beginning @ 2 mos. At the time my sister died, it was only offered to children 24 mos. and older.

I have a lot of time I really don't recall, but one thing sticks out in my mind is that I wanted to see her body @ the ER and my parents wouldn't let me. I never really got to say good-bye. My other family members (grandparents) separated me from my mom and dad, I remember just wanting to be with them and I couldn't.

The ironic part is that at the time she died, we lived in Va. and she was buried in NC (near other extended family plots), so I couldn’t even visit her grave). The ironic part is that now not only do I live in NC, but I live in the same city where she is buried. I have only been to the grave a couple of times, and while it makes me sad, it hasn’t really helped with any type of “closure” as it were for me. Does that make sense? I mean, that’s not where she is anymore….I believe she is an angel.

I was not what you called a “planned pregnancy,” and my parents got married b/c of me. I really felt it back then, but I still think to some degree that they wish that I had been the one who died. They’re divorced now and while I have somewhat of a relationship w/ my father, my mother and I don’t have a relationship at all.

I better go, b/c this is just getting too sad.

I wish you all peace this holiday season.

[terrik]

Hello,

I recenlty lost my identical twin sister on 11/29/05. We are both 45 and she died suddenly in her sleep. The autopsy report shows she had a heart blockage. She was overwieght and it had been an issue for her for a long time. Now I have to feel she is not burdened by it now. It am truly devistated. I feel I have lost my best friend. We spoke every day several times throughout the day. I cant say I have ever experienced anything like this. The grief is overwhelming. Some days are good, but some days I just want to sit and cry. I miss everthing about her. Any support they anyone can give me would be helpful. Thank you,

[clittlelady]

To Everyone here: I'm so very sorry for you loss and heartache.

Yesterday marked 24 years that my brother, Glyndon (Glynn) Robertson died following a two week coma he suffered as a result of horrible motorcycle accident. Very traumatic, very sad. He was 37 years old. Out of my four older brothers, he was the next to the eldest. He had the best personality and a happy-go-lucky disposition. He was a big man, 6'4", 275 lbs. He left a big void as well. He left two daughters 16 and 11 at the time. The youngest just passed away herself on the 30th day of July following complications of a kidney transplant she received several years ago. She left behind two daughters 19 and 14 and one newborn grandson.

The loss of this brother was almost more than our Mother could bear. I had to give her the sad news. I worked at the hospital where he was initially brought to for stabilization, before he was transferred out to larger facility 60 miles away. My Mother always hung on to her faith in God and his will, looked to him for strength, but as Glynn was buried, she vowed she didn't think even God's Strength would see her through losing another child. She died four months ago yesterday (8-30-05) at the age of 86 and never had to endure that pain again.

[nancy55]

Terrik, I am sorry to hear about your sister. My brother was 41 years old, and also an identical twin. He died in his sleep Oct 21st, four months after I lost my husband to lung cancer. The pain I feel is un believable. But, I know his twin brother feels like he lost half of himself. Being a twin, I understand, is a bond that is so special. I am praying for you..I do hope you find peace and comfort.God bless you, Nancy55

[jorr1279]

This is my first time replying to any forum. My mom is an active participant in Beyond Indigo and after having the biggest meltdown yet, I am here. I lost my brother on June 21, 2004 after he suffered a severe brain injury. We were 14 months apart and he was my ULTIMATE hero. I was the one who finalized his departure and am having a REALLY hard time remembering the good times. The LAST memory I have of him is closing his casket with my 5 year old daughter on my hip. I sought his advice in every decision I made and I feel lost without hearing his voice. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss his smile, his GREAT hugs, and his ability to make me laugh when I needed to most. Dan was 25 when he left and upon my turning 26 on December 27th has been really difficult. I have OFFICIALLY outlived my older brother, my best friend, my hero, on this earth. He died at 25, and I am now 26. I am having a hard time letting go of the morbid memories I have of him. I can still hear the beeping of the machines in the ICU room. I can still smell that funeral home. I can still feel the coldness in his hand as I held it for one last time. Why? When will I remember the 25 years I had with him when he was awake? When will I have a dream of him smiling-not in a hospital bed? I am tired of having nightmares. I am afraid to fall asleep at night knowing that there is a HUGE chance I will have a vision of him in his last days. Why? Why does this happen? And why am I so angry and afraid all of a sudden? I want SO badly to be at peace with all of this. I admit that I am still selfish by demanding him here with me. I need him and I miss him. I HATE the fact that my life span is OFFICIALLY longer than his was.