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A broken Woman


qubert

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I am now a broken woman. I thought I was getting better, but this week has been one of the hardest yet. I miss my husband so much that a can't seem to think about anything else. My sister-n-law said I need to move forward. People in my family seem to think they new my husband better then I did. (That makes me crazy) How do I get out of this funk? It's only been 2 months and 13 days I am so tired of crying all the time..

Susan

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qubert, be very gentle with yourself. It has only been two months. That is not a very long time at all. His death is still very raw and new for you. Don't let other people put a time frame on your grief. They want you to snap back to your old self and you just can't do it. His death forever changed your life. Some people that have never been through grief or lost a spouse to death just don't understand what you are going through. Don't make hasty decisions as your grief will cloud your judgment at this point. At some point the crying gets less and less but it's way down the road for you because it is so soon after his death. Find comfort in loving memories and pictures of your husband. Remember the sunrises and sunsets and rainbows you saw together and hold them close to your heart. Live one day at a time, 1 minute at a time if that's all you can handle. Don't do any more than you have to-when you've had enough of something let it rest for the rest of the day. Find people that care about what you are going through and will listen to you and gather strength from them. Pray , write, draw, listen to comforting music. Look for the beauty and wonder of the world. It hasn't gone away. It will be there for you when you are ready for it. Take Care~Aurora

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I think about and treasure all our memories, but they also give me great pain because they make me think of how we'll never do any of those things again.  Seven weeks this Saturday.  I get through the days but I'm not sure I want to.  It all seems so pointless with him gone.  I share your pain Susan.

Sue

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To call this the hardest thing we've ever had to deal wih is by far a gross understatement.  I don't even know how to describe or explain it except to my unfortunate fellow sufferers.  This is a club that should have no members!

Sue

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Aurora and Sue,

Thanks so much I guess I am just feeling sorry for my self tonight. I can usually think of all the wonderful years we had, but to think it is all gone now is sometime to much for me. I am so grateful for everyone on this site.

God Bless us all

Susan

 

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Really, tell your sister-in-law to take a hike!  You are so early in this it is NOT TIME TO MOVE ON IF YOU DON'T FEEL READY TO MOVE ON...and that goes for no matter how many months or years you need to grieve!  Only YOU know what is right for you.

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Don't let anyone else tell you how to feel. Moving on is something you do at your own pace and it can take months or years. The memories that hurt so much at first do become a comfort and the pain gradually subsides but it sure doesn't happen within a couple on months! Listen to your heart not other people. And if you have to wallow, do it. Scream, sob, let it out. I used to exhaust myself with crying but I always felt better afterwards so I learned to just let it happen. I think sometimes we try to distract ourselves and then the stuff really builds up. I have found I need a lot of time by myself and that's something others don't always understand either. I'm so sorry we all have to do this. MJ

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angelmissing

Susan,

It has just been a little over 3 weeks since my fiance took his own life.  I have already heard from some of my family that I just need to move on...they have pretty much said since I wasn't actually married to him, I should just stop thinking about it & him..

One family member ( of mine) told me to stop thinking about "it" because I was driving myself crazy & those around me too.. when I said I was sorry if I was driving those around me crazy that I don't mean to, I was told "Well you are" Those type comments sting the most.. Especially from those that should be the closest to you. I have told them that I can't help it, that I guess this is my body & minds way of dealing with my loss.. They say I am reliving it all over & over.. I have told them "Well there is no switch in which I can just turn it off" I am normally a very mild mannered, let you run over me, type of person, but thru this grieving process I am starting to change that...Now when someone says "Are you ok?".. I say "Nope, No I am not".. I know they are really just sharing their concern.. but I figure why lie & say I am when I am not. When someone says can I do anything for you.. I sincerly say.. "just pray for me".. & I do appreciate them in doing so.. Prayer is the only thing that is keeping me here... so I always say yes to prayer..

I am sorry to ramble on.. but you let your body & mind grieve in its on way & time frame.. there is no mold in life that we all fit into when it comes to grieving...

I will keep you &  the others on here in my prayers.. please keep me in yours.. for as the title of this forum goes " I am a broken women" also.

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Angelmissing, my partner and I were together 10 1/2 years, we never married, and I don't think marriage is required to make a bond of love between two people!  That is the most insulting thing I think I've heard yet from family members!  It's only 3 weeks?  You are hardly getting out of shock yet!  Do what you need to do, feel what you need to feel - this is YOUR process, and no one can or should tell you how to do it or what to feel!

Qubert, no that's not one I've read.

Blessings,

Anna

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angelmissing

Thank you Anna,

You've expressed how I feel, that my partner & I had(have) a bond of love regardless if we didn't have a government piece of paper signed saying if we were married or not. We both love one another.. & he was my best friend in life. During this process I am learning to stand up for myself, & with that I refuse to let others try to push my memories of him & my love for him aside like he never existed.  He was & is a very big part of my life & no one can take that away from me.. even with their hurtful words,

I thank  you & the others on here for being here for me.  

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Angelmissing,

I am so sorry for your loss. Come here and write what ever you want. Lessen to Anna she is a very wise woman. Today marks 11 weeks for me and I am better than week one and two. I have really bad days, then I read something on here or through books given to me and have hopes of seeing and being with my love one again. People say to me all the time you need to stay strong for your children. They are 18 and 20 and Bruce and I did what we needed to to raise them to know right from wrong. Now was suppost to be our time together and I don't have him. I miss him so much that somedays I just want life to be over. But as a very spirtual person told me to be with my husband after I have no use for this body I have to be a good person and live this life tring to help others so when it is my time God will take me and I can see my loved ones in the place and level in Heaven that they are at. So we put one foot in front of he other and do only what we can do each day. If it is nice weather today, plant a plant, pull a weed front your lawn, lessen to the birds sing, and most of all love yourself.

Susan

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angelmissing

Thank you Qubert,

I am so sorry for your loss as well.  I know the pain is unbearable at times.  I am going to Marks grave today to place an Easter plant.  His body was buried about 1 hour away from our home, since that is what his family wanted, so I won't get to visit it often as I would want to., but I feel he is still here with me at times yet so so far away at other times.  I know he never meant to cause me such pain when he took his life that day...he just wanted his mental pain to go away.  I do want to get better & I know it won't be easy, right now it seems impossible.  I do try to say at least a small prayer every day for God to help me each second of the day.  His passing seems as fresh today as it did the day he left us..

I thank you for your & the others suggestions.  I will try to do some of those things..

Keepin you in prayer!

 

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Angel, you are so right to stand up for yourself and your love in the face of other people.  At 2 years, I know I am "not over" my husband's suicide. There are so many emotional levels to a suicide death to deal with that other people can't understand. Do everything IN YOUR TIME, not someone else's. The only thing you have to today and everyday is take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. If the same people persist in telling you "to get over it" or "move on" avoid them and spare yourself the pain. Let your answering machine pick up. You do not need people like that in your life with all you're dealing with.  You are still in the shock phase. It is nature's way of cushioning you and protecting you. It will go on about a year or so. It is still very new for you. Quite frankly I don't know if one ever gets "over" a love to suicide but I have been told that you can reach a point where it becomes a part of your life story and you are able to "move on". Mark will always be in your heart and so will the beautiful memories you shared. If it is too painful to look at his picture or remember those times, put them away until there is a day you can cope with them.  Some people wear their loved ones clothes to be close. It's all about YOU. Whatever brings YOU,comfort and heart healing. You were the closest person in the world to Mark. Take Care!

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misshimstill

Angelmissing,  I am so sorry to read of your loss, especially by suicide.  Natural death is hard enough, but suicide is difficult on so many levels.  I would advise you to listen to Aurora.  She's been dealing with this for two years now.  She has a pretty good handle on it, and she has very wise advise for you and others.  Most of the rest of us are just dealing with grief in regard to natural death.  As Aurora says, suicide complicates the situation so much, and there are so many layers to uncover and try to deal with.  She's struggled through several of those layers and can really help you if you listen to her.  I wish you the best.

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angelmissing

[align=left]missinghim still & Aurora,[/align]

[align=left]Thank you so much for your help & advise.  I visted Marks grave this afternoon & spent some time with his family.  It was hard to go visit his grave yet I wish it was were I could visit him more often, but he was buried an hour away from where I live, & I am not good at driving that far.  My daughter & son n law took me.[/align]

[align=left]Not a day goes by that I don't cry for him.. & he is on my mind 24/7.  Knowing I cant see him or be with him here on earth is so unbearable to think about.  I took some of his belongings to his family but not all of them.  I am keeping a few momento's & clothing which they insisted I do.  I am glad that they have included me.. I know others in my situation arent always so lucky.[/align]

[align=left]I think Mark may have had a few hidden secrets he didn't want to share, going by a few things I have found since his death.  I wish he could of felt he could of shared them with me, but I guess in his own way he might have been ashamed to of.  I felt I could tell him anything.. & thought he would of felt the same way.. but yet in some ways I also understand why he didn't.[/align]

[align=left]I understand from his family that he had threatened sucide or attempted it several times before he met me but didnt want them to tell me becuase he was afraid he'd lose me & they said since he seemed the happiest with me for the first times in years they didnt want to mess up a good thing. They thought he had gotten so much better since he had met me.  Shortly after Christmas one family member let it slip about an attempt he had made , but I knew they didnt realize they had told me( that had taken place before he met me), but never told him that I knew about it, but from knowing that I tried extra hard  with him, even when he started to withdraw form me some.  I tried to get him to talk to me more, but he wouldn't.. I tried to love him even more, take care of him even more, but it just wasn't enough, even tried to get him to get some help ( take him for some help) but he'd say he didnt need any help. I sometimes wonder now if he just loved me or was in love with me.. I know he cared about me no doubt  I know I was and am in love with him.[/align]

[align=left]I pray for healing.. as some days I think I am losing my mind.. [/align]

[align=left]Keep me in your prayers & I will  you all in mine.[/align]

[align=left]angel[/align]

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misshimstill

angelmissing,

It is heart breaking to read your story - the things you are beginning to see and uncover.  It may only be the beginning of things you learn or it may be all you ever know.  Either way, it is so difficult for you. 

People who try to commit suicide several times usually end up succeeding from what I read.  They are usually people who suffer with depression.  I know my daughter has struggled with suicidal thoughts.  Even I, in these past few years, have had thoughts of suicide.  I can only tell you from what little experience I have had with depression that when people are thinking that way, they aren't seeing reality.  They completely believe the lie that their loved ones would be better off without them. 

I hope Aurora writes to you more.  She has struggled through so much of what you are dealing with now... all the lies, all the things that were hidden from her, financial problems resulting from her husband's suicide.  She's walked down the road a little bit ahead of you, so I know she can help you.  Again, you have my deepest sympathy and I wish you the best.  I'm praying for you. 

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Angel, People that are depressed and suicidal have very black and white thinking. There is no gray area in between in their thinking. They see no options or choices in their thinking. They are usually impulsive and risk takers. There really is no set pattern for a suicidal person though. Some have clinical depression,some abuse alcohol and drugs,some get boxed in by life through circumstances or poor choices. Some truly believe life or their loved ones would be better off without them. In my case depression and alcoholism were in my husband's family. His daughter was an alcoholic at age 15 and started going to AA. She tried to  suicide with pills and booze at age 17 after she had an abortion and the boy broke up with her. My husband's niece OD'd in her 30s of cocaine. She had a $120/day habit back in the 80s. His family just sweeps everything under the rug and pretends nothing is wrong=denial.  One of my therapists said that suicide runs in families sometimes. If one person in that family suicides, it leaves permission for others to do it. I have a friend whose father suicided in 1978 and he has felt suicidal and depressed since then in spite of continuous therapy, antidepressants and ECT therapy. I don't know if any of this helps you. I couldn't concentrate to read anything for a long time after my husband died. That was part of the shock and trauma. The one thing that is for sure is the saying that you're only as sick as your secrets so getting them out is a good thing so they don't stay inside and fester. You are doing a really good job Angel even though it may not seem like it to you yet. You are a survivor. Take care!

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