What is grieving?

[lostblu]

I often hear how we're just coping or how we're supposed to fully grieve. I'm not sure many of us are successful at either. It's amazing that as many different grief counselors that I went to, my feelings were rarely ever brought up. I was told about the process, how I'm just in the midst of the grief process and how it's tough but hopefully the counselor's anecdotes make you feel good for a day or so. I don't think my post is based around frustration so much as just disbelief with regard to this. During the time of my dad's illness and post-death, I challenged myself to read as much as possible indirectly to figure out just how we work, how our minds work in general. And 90 books later (lol) I realized two things - one, you can't grieve on your own and two, it's about talking about feelings not facts. It might sound like common sense but I think it's rare that anyone's there for your feelings during grief but more to either tell you the process of grief, to try and 'advise' you or to tell you that they're thinking of you while you're a broken soul, laying in bed with 2 days of dishes in the sink. Recently my mom had gone through a divorce, happened to be at my house and had had enough of her grief. My aunt was giving her the usual - you have to be tough, time heals all, you're being irrational, it gets better and so on. As I watched this I realized in my mother there were all these emotions desperately needing to surface in a natural way. Not in a forced way through a filter of anger and frustration, but to surface and be accepted and expressed for what they are. I began to ask my mom about her anxious thoughts at first and eventually chipped away at all her emotional frustrations bit by bit and her demeanor changed and it was like something lifted from her. After about 30 minutes it was strange because my aunt looked at me surprised and she had been silent for the 30 minutes or so which was rare. She mentioned how she had been just completely interested in the dialogue between my mother and I and it was interesting to see how my mother went from near hysterics to calm and natural focus. But my message today is to realize it's all about the feelings underneath sometimes. So often we are protecting ourselves because, let's face it, we feel very alone in the process and confused, but rest assured when we get those true feelings to surface and find their real light of day, it makes all the difference.

Best wishes.

Lostblu

[Alexander Risten]

I often hear how we're just coping or how we're supposed to fully grieve. I'm not sure many of us are successful at either. It's amazing that as many different grief counselors that I went to, my feelings were rarely ever brought up. I was told about the process, how I'm just in the midst of the grief process and how it's tough but hopefully the counselor's anecdotes make you feel good for a day or so. I don't think my post is based around frustration so much as just disbelief with regard to this. During the time of my dad's illness and post-death, I challenged myself to read as much as possible indirectly to figure out just how we work, how our minds work in general. And 90 books later (lol) I realized two things - one, you can't grieve on your own and two, it's about talking about feelings not facts. It might sound like common sense but I think it's rare that anyone's there for your feelings during grief but more to either tell you the process of grief, to try and 'advise' you or to tell you that they're thinking of you while you're a broken soul, laying in bed with 2 days of dishes in the sink. Recently my mom had gone through a divorce, happened to be at my house and had had enough of her grief. My aunt was giving her the usual - you have to be tough, time heals all, you're being irrational, it gets better and so on. As I watched this I realized in my mother there were all these emotions desperately needing to surface in a natural way. Not in a forced way through a filter of anger and frustration, but to surface and be accepted and expressed for what they are. I began to ask my mom about her anxious thoughts at first and eventually chipped away at all her emotional frustrations bit by bit and her demeanor changed and it was like something lifted from her. After about 30 minutes it was strange because my aunt looked at me surprised and she had been silent for the 30 minutes or so which was rare. She mentioned how she had been just completely interested in the dialogue between my mother and I and it was interesting to see how my mother went from near hysterics to calm and natural focus. But my message today is to realize it's all about the feelings underneath sometimes. So often we are protecting ourselves because, let's face it, we feel very alone in the process and confused, but rest assured when we get those true feelings to surface and find their real light of day, it makes all the difference.

Best wishes.

Lostblu

What you say is so true. That is why I always beg people no to hasten the grieving process. It takes time for the emotions to truly surface since the bereaved needs to work through it. Even the emotions that appear very early on are being processed and they only truly appear later on. It is sad that the counselors you spoke to never ask you about your feelings, because that is grief. Also, these feelings need to be expressed regularly since they tend to change. The big problem in trying to define grief is that everybody experience grief differently. My biggest gripe with society regarding grief is the pressure to cope as quickly as possible and move on. I agree that the grieving process should mature naturally (as it is a natural process). Given enough time and support most people naturally arrive at the point where they are willing to express their feelings (after they processed it). Unfortunately society tends to be "gone" by then.

Expressing our feelings is difficult, that is why I always advise those I try to support to start writing daily. It helps a lot. I also give them practical things to do in order to help them cry. I also try to explain that "falling apart" is OK and that at times you should let everything and just experience your grief.

I am currently busy with another book that looks at the advantages of using movies to better understand grief. I am glad that you reminded us of this.

[lostblu]

I would say that it's also difficult to show emotion in front of strangers who are interested mainly in espousing the dogmatic side of psychological philosophy. I think most of us spend our lives never finding out how to express and feel emotionally. I dont think grief all of a sudden makes it any easier unfortunately.

[Alexander Risten]

I would say that it's also difficult to show emotion in front of strangers who are interested mainly in espousing the dogmatic side of psychological philosophy. I think most of us spend our lives never finding out how to express and feel emotionally. I dont think grief all of a sudden makes it any easier unfortunately.

Most of us are ill-prepared for the reality of grief. And society tries its best to hide that fact from us. I have the advantage that I primarily work with people I know really well. So when they come looking for help, we already have an existing relationship. It is easier for them to open up to me since I am not a stranger. It offers me the ability to bypass a lot of the uneasiness of getting to know them. We can focus on their feelings far sooner. Also, my services are "free" since they do not have to pay me for each appointment. That also helps a lot

[lostblu]

I think society's reaction to grief is a side effect of humans being engineered away from listening to their own emotions throughout their lives. I actually had one counselor who seemed good but I was moving and it would have been impossible to to travel to meet with her again. First off, she didn't have a detached smile on her face most of the time, it was easy for her to mirror the deep emotional grief I was going through, she came across as sad and pained for me to the tee almost, it was very physical to her and she basically listened and interjected in a natural way without dictating or waiting to tell me all the stuff she'd learned in school or books about psychology or grief or to tell me that what I was going through was 'normal.' She never did any of that. That's what mattered. When I listen to others in their grief I try to take on that similar burden becuase it's necessary in order to really feel what the other person is going through. I think some people listen like a teacher like they're out to teach the other person something or to read to them the book of life. You have to be an effecitve listener in grief you have to be able to know what hopelessness feels like. To have always been a hopeful person trying to help the hopeless is not always an ideal path for the suffering towards healing. To know what hopelessness is, to have found hope internally not just by being steered or by being immersed in a cult of hope is what gives the person that contrast to truly feel real hope, not just 'belief' or in this case belief that things will somehow get better. My hope may have to do with the fact that I was loved and accepted as a child and also maybe I had a certain innate determination. But when I listen to those who are grieving I most definitely put myself back in that position of hopelessness and then slowly I can see what their path to hope possibly is, the emotional journey that lies ahead and I get a glimpse of what their unique path to recovery really looks like.