Members naty0123 Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Every second of my day i miss my huband. This for sure dose not get any easier. I am so lost without him. I have no more strength in me to keep fighting with my depression. I miss him so much, all I want is him. I want to feel his arms wrap around me or tell me some silly joke or hear the words that everyting is going to be ok because we have each other...My heart is so broken, I have nothing to give. It so hard for me to do normal things with our kids. I have one good day out of seven...I can not feel him close anymore, everthing feels cold.. I wish I could go back to that Thursday and talk about things and tell him how much I loved him and that we would get through his problem instead I was angry and mean and I shut down.. I went to be bed mad and woke up to him dead...I wish I can just go back, why didnt God give me a sign of something that this time was the last..I hate being here without him!! How the heck do we move on!!!! I will forever be here missing my bestfriend, father, lover, husband. God has to give me the strength to do this!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kendi Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 I know exactly how you feel, I want mine life back to!! When people tell me it will get easier, I just want to call them a liar because so far I haven't felt anything easier. I do go on because Kenny would want me to. Everywhere I look tho there he is a memory of us doing this or going there or talking about it. His touch his smell I will not ever feel anymore. I do keep him in my heart deeply and every memory of him in my head. I know God will give us the strength to go on, for some reason he also so allows us to grieve in our own way. You are human and I felt that way sometimes to, like Kenny would say he wanted to go to the hospital when I would get home,then when I would he would change his mind. Now I wished I would have made him go earlier than what we did maybe they would have found out things sooner and could have helped. So now I am mad at him for not wanting to and mad at myself for not making him. I look back and see things and wondered if he knew something or felt something because he did things that he normally would not have done. Like he went and stayed a month between his mom and sisters house to spend time with them and Kenny hated leaving home. He brought me flowers to work and he never done that, he started talking and I mean really talking to the kids. He always talked to them but it was different. I pray for all of us to find peace and love with what we are going through, because I know God always has a reason for things even tho we can not see it right away. He will help us heal but we also have to have the knowledge and the willpower to let him do so. Please take care and if you ever need me please let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mdanielson4 Posted October 9, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Wow, how many times have I said the very words you are saying. I certainly can feel your pain. I wish I had the solutions or could just say the right thing. There is nothing that anyone can say when we have some of these feelings. It is such a shock we and I mean all of us want our love. We want some kind of normal. Where is what we seek? I pray God will hear us and lead us to some type of solution. I can tell you when people say time will make it better, sometimes I want to hit them along side the head and tell them time without her is what is killing me. God be with you all. I want what you want. I want my life back.Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 9, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Hi Munchkin0123, Losing a loved one can become a lifelong struggle. I once spoke to an old lady who lost her husband a decade ago. I asked her if the pain has lessened. She smiled and said no. I asked her how she keeps going and she replied:"Missing my husband is like living with chronic back pain. The pain is always there, but you learn to sit, stand and lie in ways that lessens the pain. You cannot get rid of the pain, but you learn to manage it in time." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gunnerswife Posted October 9, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 I don't understand it it was like our lifes was striped from us over night. yes everyone tells me in time it will get better, how much time? 100 years? i still can't sleep or eat right. I want him back so bad. he had little things that peed me off but now i even miss those things. I have such a hard time talking about him all i want to do is cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 9, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 I don't understand it it was like our lifes was striped from us over night. yes everyone tells me in time it will get better, how much time? 100 years? i still can't sleep or eat right. I want him back so bad. he had little things that peed me off but now i even miss those things. I have such a hard time talking about him all i want to do is cry.You said it... your life was stripped away overnight. That is what actually happened. When we live very close to someone, he or she becomes so part of our life that they become part of our identity. When that person dies, we lose part of our own identity, Saying that it does get better is only a small part of the story... at times it gets worse before it gets better. I all you want to do is cry, then cry... you need to get those feelings out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Silvergirl61 Posted October 12, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 No, it doesn't seem any better yet. I cry a lot, I don't sleep right, I don't eat like I am supposed to...and there just doesn't seem to be anything to get happy about. I miss him all the time, but even worse at night. If I sleep, I cry when I wake up. I don't feel real anymore...it's like there is something in me so broken, that I can't decide anything,or think for myself...and I just keep thinking, where are you..you just can't be gone. It has been a really horrible week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 12, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 No, it doesn't seem any better yet. I cry a lot, I don't sleep right, I don't eat like I am supposed to...and there just doesn't seem to be anything to get happy about. I miss him all the time, but even worse at night. If I sleep, I cry when I wake up. I don't feel real anymore...it's like there is something in me so broken, that I can't decide anything,or think for myself...and I just keep thinking, where are you..you just can't be gone. It has been a really horrible week.Part of healing is to acknowledge certain difficult truths:1) You are broken. When two people marry, they do become one. It is not just a metaphor. A part of you is gone, and you must learn to redefine yourself. Your whole identity has changed and it must be rebuild. It is hard and it takes time.2) Crying is normal and should not be suppressed. You should cry since you lost someone very important. 3) Eating and sleeping disorders are part of grieving, but you must force yourself to take good care. Eating and resting (not always sleeping) is important to heal4) It takes time before you will find things to smile or be happy about, but when you do, please do not feel guilty. Your beloved will not hold it against you!5) Good weeks can be followed by bad weeks... but bad weeks can also be followed by good weeks. Just keep going as well as you can.We all are thinking about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blondannas Posted October 16, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 I read all of your posts and I identify with all of you. I remember how I changed over the years of Phil's illness, how I became more angry at the disease (pulmonary fibrosis) and took it out on him sometimes. I would apologize and he said he understood, but I wish I had been more kind. I really suffered with those regrets for a while, then I tried to concentrate on the fact that I had devoted my life to taking care of him at home until he died. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that he died at home with the dog with him and me next to him on the couch. His garden will go dormant this winter. I have friends who are taking care of it so that it doesn't die because his garden was his favorite place in the world. I will pester my friends to make sure that the garden is only dormant, that it will come back in the spring because I could not bear it if it died. We were married for almost 33 years. I miss him terribly. There have been a few ok days. I hope that there are more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mdanielson4 Posted October 16, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 I can see we all have so very much in common. That is hard reality for me, just to know someone else feels the pain that controls my life. I know everyone deals with this tragic situation differently but the feelings we describe are so similar it is scary. My wife and I had been married just over 32 years as many of you have too. The loneliness we deal with on a daily basis. The hurt we feel so deep in our souls. I would wish this on nobody. I wish I had the answers to everyone’s pain. That would be priceless. I pray for you all to have a bit of relief. Look for one good day, and then try to find another. Thank you for listening, it helps me.Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deesgirl Posted October 20, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Hi munchkin0123,I resonate so profoundly with what you wrote tonight. I so badly long for my life back. I want Danny to come home. I want to see his big beautiful smile, hear him laugh, feel his embrace, I want to tell him over and over how much I love him. I want to hear him tell me how much he loves me. He has not been in my dreams for a long time now. I fear he is drifting away. At least when I do dream of him, I feel closer to him. I know he's ok. I've had beautiful dreams where I see him clearly as if he was still alive and life was 'normal'. It's been over a year since he died. For me, time has not healed. I agree with mdanielson that I want to strangle people that tell me time will heal. The pain is still heavy and raw. What has changed is how I cope with life without him. Some days are better than others, but tonight I am struggling. I found out one of my cousins got engaged. In another time I would have been elated for him but now I can't muster the joy. Instead I feel cheated. Why can't that be Danny and I? Why can't we be living our dreams to be together, to start a family? I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have his kids, but I still have not come to terms with the fact that he is gone. I'm thankful I can express what I'm feeling here. I'm sad that there are so many of us experiencing this kind of pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members paulaj Posted October 20, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 I wanted to shoot people who said "time heals." Five years later, my experience has been that it doesn't heal, but it puts distance between you and the event. My emotions don't feel as raw and acute for the most part. But it's still there.Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 20, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 I wanted to shoot people who said "time heals." Five years later, my experience has been that it doesn't heal, but it puts distance between you and the event. My emotions don't feel as raw and acute for the most part. But it's still there.MandalaThat is so true. Someone once compared the pain of losing a loved one to chronic back pain: it is always there, but after a while you learn to sit or lie in such a manner that the pain becomes less. But the pain never disappears... in some cases it becomes a lifelong companion. I am thinking of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 21, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I too want my life back, the upbeat person i was is no more. Depression, which i'ved always suffered from has turned inward deeply.i lost my husband july 5 2012, in his sleep.i wish i had the words to take away all the pain we are jointly feeling. somehow God will help me get through this. If i could only sleep right at night, it would be a blessing. How do i go on when i have lost half of me? Missing Jerry so much in the middle of this night, and every night. hugs to all, Val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mavericks_goose Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I too want my life back, the upbeat person i was is no more. Depression, which i'ved always suffered from has turned inward deeply.i lost my husband july 5 2012, in his sleep.i wish i had the words to take away all the pain we are jointly feeling. somehow God will help me get through this. If i could only sleep right at night, it would be a blessing. How do i go on when i have lost half of me? Missing Jerry so much in the middle of this night, and every night. hugs to all, ValIt's like you took the words and feelings right out of my own heart. I wish I could laugh a real laugh without it being a facade for all around me, a genuine smile that would shine in my heart as well as on the outside, but when I do these things I am empty inside and know that it's just for those around me and not for myself. I have no true joy in my world or laughter. I have good or okay moments but they only last for the length of what seems like a breath. I miss Kyle so bad especially at night and struggle with him not being physically near me to cry my pain out on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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