being fake until its all better

[karebear]

I have been struggling so hard to keep from breaking down that I thought putting some things down in writing might help me to heal, anything is better than just telling everyone how good I am doing. I have become an expert at being a fake cheerful person because no one wants to really hear the truth. My dad died in May after struggling with asbestosis for almost 10 years (he sprayed it in the 70's before they knew how bad it was). I was in the room during his last days and I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could just think of the good times but those memories are so powerful that they surface throughout each day. It has been over 4 months now and I find myself crying everytime I am alone, it seems I am better when I am pretending I am fine and too busy to deal with the feelings and memories of my grief over losing such an important person to me. As a former counselor I know the importance of getting help and there is not a doubt in my mind that I am depressed but I am too raw to talk in person with anyone. I feel very alone and keep hoping that the pain will go away and that time will make it all better. My husband said I am not taking time enough to grieve and I know he is right but I can't because I am afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop and will end up in a downward spiral. So each day I go to work, cheerful, come home, cheerful, and carry on as though I am just fine. Maybe one day it will be true.

[ModKonnie]

I have been struggling so hard to keep from breaking down that I thought putting some things down in writing might help me to heal, anything is better than just telling everyone how good I am doing. I have become an expert at being a fake cheerful person because no one wants to really hear the truth. My dad died in May after struggling with asbestosis for almost 10 years (he sprayed it in the 70's before they knew how bad it was). I was in the room during his last days and I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could just think of the good times but those memories are so powerful that they surface throughout each day. It has been over 4 months now and I find myself crying everytime I am alone, it seems I am better when I am pretending I am fine and too busy to deal with the feelings and memories of my grief over losing such an important person to me. As a former counselor I know the importance of getting help and there is not a doubt in my mind that I am depressed but I am too raw to talk in person with anyone. I feel very alone and keep hoping that the pain will go away and that time will make it all better. My husband said I am not taking time enough to grieve and I know he is right but I can't because I am afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop and will end up in a downward spiral. So each day I go to work, cheerful, come home, cheerful, and carry on as though I am just fine. Maybe one day it will be true.

Karebear,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. Let me ask you this--you know that taking time to grieve will eventually help you to work through your feelings. At this point, would you say you are in a downward spiral already--although you are pretending to not be? Have you considered counseling to talk about your loss? As former counselor, you know how important and helpful a counselor can be. Perhaps you should write down some of your fears and other feelings. As you know, fear is a normal part of grieving, so please don't think it's unusual to be fearful.

I know you are raw, but you did reach out today to come here. That's important, and it's a good step. Please feel free to share your thoughts and emotions with us. We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Im_Jon]

I have been struggling so hard to keep from breaking down that I thought putting some things down in writing might help me to heal, anything is better than just telling everyone how good I am doing. I have become an expert at being a fake cheerful person because no one wants to really hear the truth. My dad died in May after struggling with asbestosis for almost 10 years (he sprayed it in the 70's before they knew how bad it was). I was in the room during his last days and I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could just think of the good times but those memories are so powerful that they surface throughout each day. It has been over 4 months now and I find myself crying everytime I am alone, it seems I am better when I am pretending I am fine and too busy to deal with the feelings and memories of my grief over losing such an important person to me. As a former counselor I know the importance of getting help and there is not a doubt in my mind that I am depressed but I am too raw to talk in person with anyone. I feel very alone and keep hoping that the pain will go away and that time will make it all better. My husband said I am not taking time enough to grieve and I know he is right but I can't because I am afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop and will end up in a downward spiral. So each day I go to work, cheerful, come home, cheerful, and carry on as though I am just fine. Maybe one day it will be true.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about powerful memories surfacing throughout each day. I have the same thing with memories of my mom. On the one hand, I hate it because they sadden me.. On the other hand.. I think it's better to keep remembering. Your dad was a big part of your life. I don't want to give lousy advice, but from my experience: embrace the sadness. Let yourself feel sad, and don't try to force it away. If you resist what is a completely natural process, you're only burdening yourself. There's no reason to be afraid of sadness in and of itself. Write your thoughts, cry, remember; do whatever you feel will help. If you're not yet ready to talk in person, don't; but don't try to ignore your feelings as a substitute.

You can wear whatever face you want in public. But when you're home, don't despair over your sadness - let yourself grieve, let yourself feel. You're human, and you're entitled to your emotions. Feigning happiness will only bring you so far. Yes, time can make things better; but resisting your feelings will only lengthen the process. Just experience. Experience how you feel, and know that sadness isn't unbearable - it's merely an unpleasant part of being human. But hopefully with time, you'll be able to smile when you remember your father. I'm sure he would have wanted you to remember him fondly, and not despair forever.

Good luck.

[karebear]

Thank you for your reply, and yes I do know that I could benefit from counseling but I am not ready to put what is happening right now out to another person. I do not have a lot of luxery of falling apart because I have a mother to care for. She has had MS for 47 years and aside from needing emotional ssupport she also requires a lot of physical help. Aside from that I am in a new job and do not have any time off. When I am not at work I am either working at my home or my mom's to try and keep things going. It is not leaving a lot of down time for grieving. I did reach out to this forum which is not typical for me as I haven't joined anything online in over 15 years aside from facebook. I appreciate the support and the time you have taken to reply. I do not know if writing down these things will help or not but I am willing to try. Thank you for being here, it means alot.

Karebear,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. Let me ask you this--you know that taking time to grieve will eventually help you to work through your feelings. At this point, would you say you are in a downward spiral already--although you are pretending to not be? Have you considered counseling to talk about your loss? As former counselor, you know how important and helpful a counselor can be. Perhaps you should write down some of your fears and other feelings. As you know, fear is a normal part of grieving, so please don't think it's unusual to be fearful.

I know you are raw, but you did reach out today to come here. That's important, and it's a good step. Please feel free to share your thoughts and emotions with us. We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[widower2]

kb, first I'm so sorry for your loss. Second, I agree that putting things down in writing could help a great deal - certainly nothing to lose - and I hope this site (or possibly others?) can help.

You hit on something that struck home for me ie the pretending to be fine thing. I can't stand it, frankly - I hate phoniness anyway, but somehow in this situation it really hits a nerve - I just want to scream "I am going through a living hell, that's how I'm doing you fool! What did you think?" But I know it isn't right to do that either. Still, I can't bring myself to say "fine" or "good" (etc) when I get the inevitably well-meant but often annoying "how you are" question.......the best they get is "OK" or the more honest "hanging in there." I think one of the hardest things about something like this is how most of our grieving is done alone. I'm sorry for that as well.

I think it is normal to only or mostly be able to think about the bad times initially, as they are the newer memories and freshest in our mind. I have heard and believe that over time this will change, but again, and as MK said, it takes time, lots of it. So hard as this is, try to be patient.

As for being afraid of allowing yourself to grieve because you are afraid you can't stop, this is simply not being fair to yourself or really accurate, to be honest. And again MK hit it on the head I think - in trying to avoid that imagined "downward spiral," you are just repressing it, it seems to me, and THAT is or could cause a downward spiral.

It's one thing to put up a front around people you don't know as well and esp. in places like work or out shopping etc. It's quite another to do it ALL the time. When you are home, I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Lord knows it's no crime and you're only human! Again, allow for that. Your husband sounds supportive, so allow him to help if he can, and if you want.

My beloved was very strong and worried about "burdening" others with her fears and pain - to a fault, I think, and it will always haunt me, ie that she always put up a big front and held it in, or almost never let me see it.

Basically I don't think pretending to be fine will ever make it so. Allowing yourself to "let it out" may - ie allow yourself to go through the grieving process which I think inevitably you must. PS when I say "the grieving process" I don't mean "the 5 steps" and all that BS. Just let it be whatever it is; don't deny it, don't try to "shape" it or ignore it.

My .02 - best to you

[GuyRodgers]

My mother passed away in 2006. The last two years I've been working on a website so that I could honor her. I came up with www.deiningthedash.com which is a free online community where people can post tributes, memories, photos, videos and write the biography for our loved ones who have passed on. I hope this can help you as it has me.