Too much change at once...

[Im_Jon]

Early in the summer of this year, I received news that I had been accepted into a PhD program in cognitive neuroscience. This was after being on a waiting list for a few months; I had acceded that I wouldn't get into a program, and I would just have to try again the next year. When I received the news that I had been accepted, my mother was so proud. She cried and hugged me, but I tried to play it off like the whole thing wasn't a big deal. In reality, I was excited and it meant more to me than anything that my mother was that proud.

Of course, this meant that I had to move out of my house. I was still living with my parents and sister, but the commute to the college was absurdly impractical. I began looking for apartments frantically, fully aware that I had very little time. This was on top of the fact that I would be away for two and a half weeks in July, which severely cut into my search time. The whole time, my mom helped me every step of the way, voiced her concerns, and tried to get me to calm down - getting stressed wouldn't help anything.

I finally did find an apartment in the middle of August. I was cutting it way too close. My mom was relieved, but at the same time she was sad that I was going to be leaving the house. I was her youngest, and I don't think she expected that I would be moving out at age 22. In spite of this, she stayed supportive and I promised that I would visit and call her on the phone. I signed the lease on the apartment, and I started to mentally prepare myself for moving out and starting a PhD program. I was certain this big change in my life was going to take a large adjustment period. I had never been on my own before, and, from what I could gather from other PhD students to whom I had spoken, the workload was going to be enormous.

As I was mentally preparing myself, I was finishing up research with a professor from my undergraduate institution. On the last day working in that lab, I found out I had earned a bit of a nickname. In the words of a PhD student working in the lab, "They call him All-Day Jon. How long does he work? All day." This was in reference to the fact that I had a tendency to work 10-12 hour days in the lab. I was used to that much work. So, when I finally finished my work and said my goodbyes to everyone in the lab, it felt odd not having anything to do. I had a few loose ends to tie up with the apartment, but other than that I was free for a week until my program began.

On Monday night, August 20th, I got back from the apartment and found my mom cooking. I updated her on apartment-related news. I then stopped and said to her, "You know, for the first time in a long time, I have nothing to do tomorrow. I can seriously just stay home all day and relax." It was a big deal in that moment, and so I naturally made a big deal over it. I told my mom that I loved her, and she said, "Thank you, I love you too." I stopped, taken aback, and responded, "No, no, no, you don't thank me for saying that. I'm just saying it." I figured I wouldn't be seeing as much of her once I moved into the apartment, so I wanted to get all of my "I love you's" out before then.

I went to bed early that night, feeling tired and figuring that it would be a decent investment to try to get 11 hours of sleep (I was used to 5-6). When I woke up the next morning, I went downstairs and saw that my mom wasn't around. That was odd, since she was usually awake at that time. I went down to the basement, where we have a den, and found her lying down on the couch. It sounded like she was snoring. I figured she must have had an argument with my dad the night before (a very common occurrence in my house), and slept on the couch. I knew her well enough to know that she hated being woken up, so I decided to let her wake up on her own.

A few hours later, she still wasn't awake. I tried to rouse her and got no response. I shouted and shook her, and she didn't react. But she was breathing. I called 911, called my dad to get home immediately, and spent the next few moments shaking and pulling at my hair. When the paramedics arrived, they said said she had slipped into a diabetic coma. One of them, a man, told me, "We're gonna wake her up right now." My heart leapt, and I felt a rush of relief. However, they were taking a very long time to come back up. When the same guy came up, I asked him if she had woken up. He said, "She's doing better." I watched them carry her to the ambulance, and got into the back with her. At one point her eyes opened and stared off into space before closing again. I took all of this as a good sign, and in spite of my general level of pessimism, I held onto hope that she would be okay.

I visited the hospital every day for the next several days, trying to get information. They gave her a cat-scan to see if there was any brain damage since she wasn't waking up. They told me that there were no signs of lesions, hemorrhaging, or anything of the sort. I felt even more hopeful. But why wasn't she waking up? A few days later, they gave her another cat-scan. This time, they told me that she had advanced cerebral swelling such that her grey matter wasn't even visible on the scan. They made it clear that any damage done was permanent, but I sort of already knew that. My heart sank. I asked two different doctors and nurses if there was any real chance of her waking up. They flatly told me no. I went home and broke down.

By this time, my PhD program had started. I hadn't yet moved into the apartment, and I didn't really feel prepared. I mostly stayed in bed while not at the hospital and I couldn't really eat. I dropped six pounds in a week, which scared me. I commuted to the university twice over the course of the week, but made it clear to professors what was going on in my life. I finally moved my belongings into the apartment the following week, and questioned how I was going to adjust to all of these changes now.

A few days later, on September 7th, my mom finally died. It felt surreal, and it didn't really sink in right away. I honestly still don't think it's sunk in. I'll want to tell her something, or I'll just think of her as if she's still around, and then - reality snaps into place and I feel a rush of sadness when I realize... she's not around. I can't tell her things. I can't see her anymore. Even writing this, right now, feels unreal to me. We were so close. I was never as close with my father, but my mother and I had an affinity. And we would argue a lot, and I valued that... because it meant I was comfortable enough with her and could be open enough with her to disagree with her. And as I was moving out, I was hoping that the simple mother-son paradigm would transform into a friendship based upon mutual respect and understanding. I don't think anything could have prepared me for this, or how swiftly it's happened.

And now, I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I kind of wish I could just stay in bed. I tried to take a leave of absence from my program, but then I would owe a ton of money that I don't have. At the same time, I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to concentrate on school. I just wish.. I could take a break from life for a year. But I know that's not realistic, and so I'm left floating through the motions of everyday life while feeling numb.

Random little nonsense memories about my mom keep surging into the forefront of my mind. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I laugh to myself. I was going to make a blog to record those random little memories since they were meaningful to me, but then I noticed that there wasn't really a place online where people can do just that. There are plenty of bereavement groups, but nothing I found on simply writing a memory of a lost loved one. As such, I decided to make a site where people can do that. My hope is that it will help people, and hopefully it can eventually become an archive to keep the memories of departed people alive. Just because you're gone doesn't mean every trace of you has to disappear with time... I don't know if the idea will catch on. But before pursuing a PhD in cognitive neuroscience, I was seriously considering becoming a therapist because I had a desire to help people. However, I really don't know how to help people. But if this site is able to help anyone to cope, or even if it's just a nice way for people to recollect memories... That will mean something to me. So, if you think it would be helpful, please post your memory to MemDen: The Den of Memories and suggest the site to anyone who you think can benefit. Obviously it's a free service, and I will post all memories. This isn't a popularity contest or something where only pieces worthy of the Pulitzer Prize will be added. This is for everyone.

Thanks for listening..

[BreathofAngel]

Dearest (((((((Jon))))))),

Thank you first of all for posting your account of what has transpired in your life. I want to wholeheartedly offer my most sincere condolences on the physical passing of your dear Mother. I know what a tragedy that can be, especially for one so young and with such bright aspirations to continue with graduate school.

I do know what you are going through and am not just saying that with empty meaning. It surely appears that just when one is ready to start a new venture to further their education something has to strike at that very moment, usually, to thwart the moment and perhaps even more (Murphy's Law). Such an occurrence has surely left you with great vapidness and lack of motivation and perhaps even serves as an epiphany of life itself.

I realize that under the circumstances you wish to sojourn introspectively and perhaps even take refuge in your own bed, nothing of which would be out of the ordinary but you also have a great decision that needs to be made and which will ultimately affect the continuation of your studies. Therefore, I would kindly suggest that you approach this serious matter with great equanimity in order to reach the best possible conclusion. You surely would not want to entertain the thought of making a coarse decision that you later found to be a significant departure from your overall goals and objectives. To attempt to simply truncate your studies does not appear to be logical nor in character I'm sure with what you have espoused, notwithstanding how your dear Mother felt about your reaching the pinnacle of your education. Surely she would want for you to continue and forge ahead which could also very well serve to perhaps even help alleviate your mind from the day's worries and thoughts.

It surely appears that you have a vested interest in the continuation of your studies, from many standpoints, notwithstanding the ostensible benefit you could derive from concluding those studies successfully. Therefore, you have much food for thought I am sure. My suggestion is that you continue to embrace what burns deeply within your soul so that many will see you as an erudite genius in your chosen field that will sustain both the hope your Mother had for you as well as your own. You Can Do It!

Please do not feel so dispirited that you cannot break away from the negative energy that can create that state. You can surely Rise Above this and you must!

May God bless you on your onward path and serve as your guiding light and lamp unto your feet.

-----------------------------------

Feeling empty, sad and fearful?

Turn to God who can make you cheerful! †

BreathofAngel

[Im_Jon]

Dearest (((((((Jon))))))),

Thank you first of all for posting your account of what has transpired in your life. I want to wholeheartedly offer my most sincere condolences on the physical passing of your dear Mother. I know what a tragedy that can be, especially for one so young and with such bright aspirations to continue with graduate school.

I do know what you are going through and am not just saying that with empty meaning. It surely appears that just when one is ready to start a new venture to further their education something has to strike at that very moment, usually, to thwart the moment and perhaps even more (Murphy's Law). Such an occurrence has surely left you with great vapidness and lack of motivation and perhaps even serves as an epiphany of life itself.

I realize that under the circumstances you wish to sojourn introspectively and perhaps even take refuge in your own bed, nothing of which would be out of the ordinary but you also have a great decision that needs to be made and which will ultimately affect the continuation of your studies. Therefore, I would kindly suggest that you approach this serious matter with great equanimity in order to reach the best possible conclusion. You surely would not want to entertain the thought of making a coarse decision that you later found to be a significant departure from your overall goals and objectives. To attempt to simply truncate your studies does not appear to be logical nor in character I'm sure with what you have espoused, notwithstanding how your dear Mother felt about your reaching the pinnacle of your education. Surely she would want for you to continue and forge ahead which could also very well serve to perhaps even help alleviate your mind from the day's worries and thoughts.

It surely appears that you have a vested interest in the continuation of your studies, from many standpoints, notwithstanding the ostensible benefit you could derive from concluding those studies successfully. Therefore, you have much food for thought I am sure. My suggestion is that you continue to embrace what burns deeply within your soul so that many will see you as an erudite genius in your chosen field that will sustain both the hope your Mother had for you as well as your own. You Can Do It!

Please do not feel so dispirited that you cannot break away from the negative energy that can create that state. You can surely Rise Above this and you must!

May God bless you on your onward path and serve as your guiding light and lamp unto your feet.

-----------------------------------

Feeling empty, sad and fearful?

Turn to God who can make you cheerful! †

BreathofAngel

Well, thank you so much. That was en exceptionally well thought-out and caring response, I really do appreciate it. I wish I could have that sort of confidence in myself that my mother had for me. I guess it's something to work on.. It's just very difficult, not being be able to see her and talk to her. All I have, really, are the memories. And many are nice memories, but I do get very sad sometimes... And I just wish I could get the image of when I found her out of my head.

[karebear]

Hi Jon,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, she sounds terrific and no doubt her absence has left a large hole in your life. I understand what you mean about wanting to take time off. I too was in university and a graduate of a liberal arts program with a major in psychology when my dad was diagnosed with asbestosis. We didn't know how long he had but we knew he was dying. I had taken my GRE and been accepted into a masters position at my university when this happened. I found that my life fell apart. I couldn't concentrate and as my parents lived in another city all I wanted to do was take time off and spend it with my dad. I made the decision to do this and took a leave of absence. I never went back. A lot of people tell me I must regret my decision but I don't. I ended up counseling for a couple of years then pursued an education in law instead which I liked much better. My dad lingered and eventually we ended up in the same area and I was able to do special things with him and spend holiday time with him. I don't know what is the right course for you but I do know where you are coming from. I wish you sucess in whatever you pursue and hope the memories which come to the surface when least expected throughout the day will not be overwhelming for you. I too have them in the morning on the way to work sitting in the car, when people say certain things, when I am alone and my brain is relaxed and I know there is no rushing to get through this process. I like you do not want to forget and although some bring me to tears they are memories that I cherish. May God bless you and keep you during this time and help you get through not only your post graduate schooling but also your grief as well.

yours,

Karebear

[karebear]

Hi Jon,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, she sounds terrific and no doubt her absence has left a large hole in your life. I understand what you mean about wanting to take time off. I too was in university and a graduate of a liberal arts program with a major in psychology when my dad was diagnosed with asbestosis. We didn't know how long he had but we knew he was dying. I had taken my GRE and been accepted into a masters position at my university when this happened. I found that my life fell apart. I couldn't concentrate and as my parents lived in another city all I wanted to do was take time off and spend it with my dad. I made the decision to do this and took a leave of absence. I never went back. A lot of people tell me I must regret my decision but I don't. I ended up counseling for a couple of years then pursued an education in law instead which I liked much better. My dad lingered and eventually we ended up in the same area and I was able to do special things with him and spend holiday time with him. I don't know what is the right course for you but I do know where you are coming from. I wish you sucess in whatever you pursue and hope the memories which come to the surface when least expected throughout the day will not be overwhelming for you. I too have them in the morning on the way to work sitting in the car, when people say certain things, when I am alone and my brain is relaxed and I know there is no rushing to get through this process. I like you do not want to forget and although some bring me to tears they are memories that I cherish. May God bless you and keep you during this time and help you get through not only your post graduate schooling but also your grief as well.

yours,

Karebear

[GuyRodgers]

My mother passed away in 2006. The last two years I've been working on a website so that I could honor her. I came up with www.deiningthedash.com which is a free online community where people can post tributes, memories, photos, videos and write the biography for our loved ones who have passed on. I hope this can help you as it has me.