Four months today

[Mdanielson4]

It’s been four months today; I am not sure what to feel. I still feel lost and alone,I continue to wonder when I will feel some relief. I continue to say things I regret to people that are trying to help me through the roughest time of my life. I don’t want to hurt others but I sometimes don’t think through what I am saying and sometimes it seems hurtful. I continue to pray for God to take me to my Mary. I cannot figure what I am left on earth to accomplish. Everything I lived for was linked to Mary. I love my Grandkids but they have their own lives and are well taken care of. I have no family that lives near. I am trying to do the right things, I go to church, I attend widow and widowers too soon group. I hate the weekends and nights. I am so alone in this apartment. Four months today and I still hurt just as bad. I guess this is the poor me’s.

Mike

[gunnerswife]

Sorry Mike, i feel bad for you, but i am going through the same pain so not suure what to say. hang in there they say it gets better.

[kendi]

Mike,

I am also sorry and I wish I had the right words to tell you to make you feel better. Lord knows I do not have the answers to my own. It has only been a little over a month since Kenny was taken from me. I can tell you what I try to think and maybe it will help in some way, When I think of Kenny I think of the life we had together and the love we had, So even though he is not here the memories we had together makes me smile. I know in my heart he would never want me to give up and as I seen in your post about your Mary she sounds like a wonderful woman that brought joy to your life. Even tho she is absent in body she is still in your heart, soul, and memories, she also sounds like she does not want you sad and there is a reason why she was taken as I feel there was a reason Kenny was taken. Kenny was such a wonderful person but had so much hardship in his life but never gave up and nor did he let me. I feel he was in my life to show me what love and happiness was all about. He pushed me to go back to school and finish my medical career I always wanted he gave my kids the father they never had. I miss him dearly and would give any to have him back but I keep him dear to my heart and hear the words of encouragement he always gave me. I guess in away I am saying I am doing my best to live the life me and Kenny had together so his memory and love will go on. If I give up then I let him die. I will continue He had two old trucks we wanted to rebuild and I will do that for him and hopefully I will do most of the work myself to honor him and his memory. I Feel the way you talk about your wife she would want you to do the same and keep yours and hers dreams alive til it is your time to be with her again. I hope and pray you find your peace with Mary and her journey to the next life. Not that I fully understand why we have been left alone on this journey til we get to the next journey, I just know and tell my kids if we don't live the way he would want us to then we are letting him die and I will not I will keep him close in every decision I make and everything I do until I meet up with him. Please take care and my prayers and thoughts are with you and all that in this journey with us.

Diane

[gunnerswife]

Diane, i love your poem you attached. You sound like a very strong woman with the love you had for Kenny.I have talked to Mike before and yes his Mary would not want him to give up like my Scott wouldn't want me too but its hard to go on.our 32nd anniversary will be thursday and i tried to get it off but tthey paid no attention so now i have to work, i don't like the two woman i work with so its going to be hard.I don't see why our hearts has to break like they do and why we have to go on by ourselves but we must.

[kendi]

Thank you Gunnerswife, So many have told me I am a strong woman and they could never have handled it the way I have. I am just not sure how I am suppose to handle this, if it was up to me I would never crawl out of my bed. But unfortunately like you in these days and times people are not allowed to mourn like they should. Without the job we lose everything we have. Kenny and I worked to hard to have what we do which is not much but I can not lose it, This is the house we picked out together the front yard on the swing is where we had our talks, we even had our honeymoon here, we laughed about it because we told everyone we stayed at a motel even sent pics to all showing where we stayed. It is also the house my kids are growing up in. It was our dream and I can not let it go for nothing. I feel for you and having to work on your anniversary for ours will be here in October. My plans is for me and Kenny's best friend to go to the restaurant we ate at the day we got married.\, he was the closest person to Kenny that knew him inside and out. So we will go and talk and laugh about Kenny and remember Kenny and what he stood for. I will probably have to work that day to because, I used all my time up when Kenny was in the hospital and so I really had no time after we had the memorial service we had it on Friday and was back to work that Monday at both of my jobs. The restaurant is opened late enough we can make it. I think I get most of my strength from Kenny because without him I would not be where I am now. I am thankful to all you on this website because without seeing what others are going through then it makes me feel what I am is ok and I am not going crazy, even tho it feels like it.

[samanthaa]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that it is so difficult to cope with. Any loss is a huge loss! If you need any support, please email me and we can talk. I truly need support now as well. I lost My Beloved, Beautiful Grandma to Pancreatic Cancer this past July. My Family and I were so close to her. We did not live that far away and we would see her for every occasion or just to stop by for a hug and kiss. She wasn't like any Grandma, she was hip, young, and happening. She was sooooo Beautiful and I see Her Beauty in My Mom. When I see My Mom, I think of My Grandma. My Mom lost a very important person in her life, her Mother. I truly need support right now and I would like to offer support as well as receive. Thank You. I would like to hear from you soon. Talk to you soon. Samantha

[val]

dear mike, i wish i had the words to take the pain of loss away. i am going through the same feelings you are, or i shouldn't say that but that we are about in the same place. My love and missing of Jerry seems to get more desperate every day. I too do not know why i am still here. He was my life. Is my life. I want to do those things that would make him proud of me. I don't think he'd want me waking up at 2 am worried about finances and crying my eyes out. but that is what life has been like. i'll get a brief respite now and then, when i'm sleeping is all. Mary is a wonderful woman and you had the honor and privilege of spending years with her. Walk in peace and know you are not alone. She is beside you, as I picture Jerry beside me. With love, val

[paulaj]

Dear Mike,

Every so often, I have a day like that, but not all the time. Thank God. It does get more bearable, but everyone has there own timetable. I still miss John everyday. But for me the first two years were the roughest. Hang in there and feel free to write.

Sincerely,

Mandala

[Mdanielson4]

Thank you for the kind words. I truly find comfort here. I have no support near me all my family lives afar. They want me to move closer to them but I don't have work there and getting to old to find new jobs.

Mike