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Blindsided by Normal Routines


drinwi

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It just doesn't register that certain things are going to hit me so hard. I went back to work yesterday, it was alright, people were kind. Then I walked out and got into my vehicle, pulled out of the parking lot and completely LOST IT. My husband would call me between 6:05 and 6:10 as I drove home, every night. He would call and ask about my day, tell me how much he missed me and loved me and he would always tell me that I looked beautiful when I left for work that morning.

I drove and sobbed my way home, missing that call and knowing he would not be here when I got home. Those things just kill me.

I hope that someday I can go through my day, my routine and not be blindsided by those intense emotions of loss and missing him. It is like a physical ache that I feel and I can't make it go away. I am trudging on . . . trying to find the bright spots I can, and talking about him, and telling our stories, and laughing and remembering the joy I had in being loved so well. That's all I can do right now.

I don't have the energy to put into dressing nice, getting all my makeup on, making myself look good . . . it takes too much effort right now. I feel embarrassed about that but I just feel exhausted and can't seem to overcome that fatigue to really put effort into other things. I hope that is normal.

Thanks for letting pour my heart out this morning. I am grateful.

Renee'

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dear renee, your story sounds so much like what i am going through right now. my husband passed away july 5 2012, a thursday, right after 4th of july, suddenly in his sleep. i know when i finally went back to work i went through so much of the same feelings you just expressed. we'd be on the phone during my one hr. drive in and out of the city. the whole way, sharing about our day. i miss that so much. i now try and call a close friend who i know is up that early to fill the void but it's not the same. Jerry, my husband, always told me how beautiful i looked in the morning too. always, i miss that so much and my confidence has fallen with his death. he was my main supporter, my cheerleader , my best friend. i WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM SO MUCH. i leave work, get through the day and breakdown when i get in my car for the same reasons you do. as for hair and makeup, i dread doing that each morning, cause i really don't care. i ran into an 8 am meeting yesterday, crying, my scarf all twisted , and my hair falling out of the twist i had it in. i delivered my information and excused myself. it is all normal. when was your loss? we are going through the grieving proces that is normal. i woke up this morning with bad dreams from last night ( i found him; i am still traumatized)...i haven't been back to sleep since about 3. my therapist tells me all of this is normal. if nothing else, i hope my response assures you you are not alone. this is a great website for sharing; lots of supportive people here all going through some version of loss. it has been two months only for me so it is really raw. i hope anything i have said helps just a little. hugs, val

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I am going through this too, i found my hubby in bed dead june 21. He loved taking me to work and coming to get me so it was so hard when i started driving myself. when the time would come for me to leave work i woulrd imagine i seen him standing at the deli window waiting on me.they say with time it will get better but i havn't had that happen yet. you need to talk to someone i thought i didn't, but soon realized i did.

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dear renee, your story sounds so much like what i am going through right now. my husband passed away july 5 2012, a thursday, right after 4th of july, suddenly in his sleep. i know when i finally went back to work i went through so much of the same feelings you just expressed. we'd be on the phone during my one hr. drive in and out of the city. the whole way, sharing about our day. i miss that so much. i now try and call a close friend who i know is up that early to fill the void but it's not the same. Jerry, my husband, always told me how beautiful i looked in the morning too. always, i miss that so much and my confidence has fallen with his death. he was my main supporter, my cheerleader , my best friend. i WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM SO MUCH. i leave work, get through the day and breakdown when i get in my car for the same reasons you do. as for hair and makeup, i dread doing that each morning, cause i really don't care. i ran into an 8 am meeting yesterday, crying, my scarf all twisted , and my hair falling out of the twist i had it in. i delivered my information and excused myself. it is all normal. when was your loss? we are going through the grieving proces that is normal. i woke up this morning with bad dreams from last night ( i found him; i am still traumatized)...i haven't been back to sleep since about 3. my therapist tells me all of this is normal. if nothing else, i hope my response assures you you are not alone. this is a great website for sharing; lots of supportive people here all going through some version of loss. it has been two months only for me so it is really raw. i hope anything i have said helps just a little. hugs, val

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I am going through this too, i found my hubby in bed dead june 21. He loved taking me to work and coming to get me so it was so hard when i started driving myself. when the time would come for me to leave work i woulrd imagine i seen him standing at the deli window waiting on me.they say with time it will get better but i havn't had that happen yet. you need to talk to someone i thought i didn't, but soon realized i did.

Thank you Val, and Gunnerswife. I have read many of both of your posts, and I know that you understand. I am so grateful for this site, I have had reassurance that I am normal. Sometimes I feel guilty because I do have the ability to laugh at times, and to feel positive emotions, but then just like whiplash something hits me and I realize I am sad, my heart aches and I want to rewind to 3 weeks ago. I realize my complete lack of energy is emotional fatigue, and I am trying to give myself a break on that. But I am not sleeping well either. I can fall asleep fine, but I wake up several times a night and don't seem to drop into that deep place of sleep that is restful.

I don't have a choice, I must go back to work on Monday and I need to hang in there and not miss anymore work for a good long time. I know it will be hard at times, but I am just praying that I can find a balance where I can get through the day and then be able to decompress at night. My mom is still here, and she does not want to leave until I feel capable of coming home alone to an empty apartment (except for my kitty.) So we will see, some days I think I could do it but other times I am so grateful she is still here. One day at at time.

Thank you again for sharing, and please let's stay in touch - we share something that we can support each other through.

Renee

drinwi

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