Loss of a Father

[slowlyhealing]

slkbrit,

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is definaitly different for everyone. I lost my father about 2 years back, and my grieving was probably a lot different from yours, cause I knew my dad had a chance. I knew he chose to leave our family unstead of helping us through my moms illness.

I know how it is to feel as though you have no time for yourself. I am still a college student and I have to take care of my mom and family, and work. At times I feel as though when we all found out about my dad and then we found out about my mom's illness, that is when Nikki seemed to vanish, and the 17 year old had to grow up to a woman, and take on the things of everyday adult life.

I sometimes feel as though I have to be strong so my mom knows I'll be okay once she leaves. I have to be strong for my brothers, and my friends, but I have come to realize I am only human. My emotions can't be trapped up, because if they are... I will most likely self destruct. I don't want to be alone in this life. None of us do. We are all human and God never meant for "man" to walk alone in this world. Don't hold your feelings in. Talk to someone you can trust. Try your hardest to just sit down and breath, read a book, find a comfort zone place and just take in and let out what you need.

Keep on writing slkbrit. We are all here to listen.

Love and Prayers,

Nikki

[nettab]

My father died two weeks ago yesterday. My husband and I had gone to visit my parents for Easter weekend, and Daddy unexpectedly went into the hospital on that Saturday. He was 87 years old and had COPD, which had gotten progressively worse, and he had contracted pneumonia. He chose to go on in-hospital hospice, and I know that he decided not to fight for his life any longer because he couldn't cope with my Mother's Alzheimers. She, at 84, is very sweet and helpless, much like a child. My husband and I were with Daddy all but 2 of the 11 nights he was in the hospital, as well as almost always during the day, because he wanted someone who loved him with him when he died, and also because he needed advocates to fight for his right to die the way he wished, with enough medication that he had no pain or anxiety. My sister couldn't cope with the situation, so it fell to me, and I was with him when he drew his last breath, very peacefully. My Mother, of course, was no help during his illness and all that occured afterwards, because we now have to mother her instead of the other way around. I feel that I have lost both of my parents. And because I was so exhausted taking care of him and then cleaning out their apartment (with help from my sister and other family members), I haven't been able to deal with my grief. I feel tired all the time, have lost interest in sex, have difficulty concentrating at work, and have a very short fuse on my temper. I know how fortunate I am that my parents both lived a long time, and that Mother is still alive, but it still hurts so much. I wish I could take some time off from work to grieve, but I've already had to take som much time that I can't take any more right now. Thank you for having this place, and letting me talk about my pain. It helps just to be able to express it. Netta

[cryinginkentucky]

My Daddy died on Good Friday, March 25th, 2005. It will be one month this Friday at 4:26pm central standard time. A time and date that is permanently carved in my memory bank. As a 42-year old mother of 11-year old twin daughters; 9-year old triplet sons plus one other son, age 7, I feel like I need to be extra strong, but let's face it, children are no dummies, they know when mom is hurting and I am definitely hurting.

I cannot turn off the loop tape of that weekends events. My husband gives me as much support as he knows how to give, but I cannot seem to get my father's image out of my head. It is strange that BEFORE he died of a massive heart attack how life just 'went on' as usual...I performed my duties as a stockbroker, loved playing with my children and enjoyed time with my husband. Now all of the sudden, everything is upside down. My father and I had a healthy relationship where we spoke every couple of weeks if not months depending on how busy his work schedule was and vice versa.

I have searched for "grief counselors" in my area to no avail. I may hike it up to The Mayo Clinic and check into their Mood Disorders Clinic where they can dispense with their expertise, but I'd love to hear from others first. Evidently it's 'no big deal' for adults to lose their parents. I beg to differ. Regardless of your age or your parents' age, the pain and heartache of the loss of your parent is just indescribable. I cannot wrap my arms around the fact that I will never see my Daddy again...at least not here on earth. I believe in God and the Eternal life described in the Bible. I just wish I had a better grip on what "Eternity" really means. I think it's safe to say that we mere mortals simply must have faith by believing in something that you cannot see or touch, but just know it is there.

I would love to hear from anyone out there who may have some good 'coping skills' that they would like to share with this Kentucky girl who feels like she has permanently lost the anchor to her ship of life. I know my father would not want me to hurt so badly, but how can you really help it? How do you continue living when you simply want to crawl into a hole, bury yourself and pray that the entire scenario has just been a bad dream? Where does everybody go when someone you love dies? All of my 'friends' have just disappeared as if nothing happened. Why does our society turn its' back on death? None of us gets a 'free pass' when it comes to death. How can we better support others? My mother is in complete denial that he is dead. I do not know what to say to comfort her when I cannot fix myself. The entire thing is just a mess. A great big mess.

[BIJulie]

Netta and Crying,

I am so sorry for your losses. I know you both are going through a difficult time. There are many here that truly understand what you are going through and I hope that you will continue to come and share and let us know how you are doing.

Take Care,

Julie

[lauraa]

Dear CryinginKy,

I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how your feeling. I lost my father Dec.03, my husband May 04 and mom June 04....I got hit by a mac truck. I still have not caught me breathe. My dad and my husband were my best friends in the entire world and I lost them both withing 6 months of each other....I am still so totally sad. And, I have said it for almost a year now...where the hell did everybody go?? I have two professional people encouraging me to write a book about that specificly....I don't have an answer for you on that one...I think all the excuses are completely laim. It has hurt me beyond words, therefore I really do feel alone in the world. It hurts to loose a parent no matter how old you or they are. I feel the same about eternity. When my husband "passed" I needed to know more about that. I believe in god and eternity but I needed to know more. I read alot about the "afterlife" and started reading about mediums and I didn't know what one was before that.....It has validated for me that our love one are fine in the "afterlife"...no-more pain, suffering and they are in the most glorious place imaginable. People would argue about mediums and say they are frauds and I say you have to be careful in any walk of life because it is everywhere but the medium I spoke to told me thing that she would never in a million years know about me or my husband...it helped me tremendously. Look for books by George Anderson, Suzanne Northrop, Bill and Judt Gugenheim (HELLO FROM HEAVEN)...They all have helped me alot. I have also found the most beautiful Spiritual Church that I go to periodicly...they believe we do not die we just shed our physical bodie and that is what we were taught thru my upbringing with the catholic church. I hope you continue to write along with everyone else...it is so helpful and you don't feel so alone....I am sorry for your loss. It is painful that life goes on and we are being tortured. Remember, they are closer to us than our own hearts....and, "we grieve as deep as we loved".....Your not alone!

[heartbrokendaughter]

I have written on here before, but thought that I would try again. My dad has been gone 6 months ago April 19th. I am still not feeling any better than I did the first time I wrote. My heart is really breaking because he is gone. It feels like my whole world has been turned upside down. I feel a big void in my heart and I can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, I can't feel any relief. I can still see his face in my mind from the last time I seen him and told him that I loved him. I can imagine in my head the pain that he was in even though I was not there when he passed away. The last thing that I told my dad was that I would see him in my dreams. Since he has passed I have had one dream about him and that has been it. I don't know if he is with me watching over me or if he is even with me. I have to hide my pain from my son because I was told to be strong. I don't have many people to talk to and when I do talk to my head shrink about it they put me on another pill. I feel no solace in a counselor because I feel that they have no compassion. So I keep my hurt inside me. I miss my dad so much, he was everything to me, my rock, my confidant. He was there for me when nobody else was. He was the one that I looked up to no matter how mad I was at him. He showed me how to give unconditional love and to be compassionate and kind. But with all that I learned from him it doesn't make me feel any better. My heart hurts, I don't know what to do to ease it. I've tried several things and nothing helps. Right now as I write this I am crying because I hurt. I know that there are people worse off than I am, but right now I can't help how I feel. Im sorry for my post I guess that I am looking for someone to talk to. Anyway thanks for listening.

[hmtod73]

heartbrokendaughter, 6 months is such a short time. you probably need longer to "recover". yes, your world has been turned upside down. it sucks!!!!! depression is a part of the greif process. the trick is not to let the depression take control. and that can be challenging. let your feelings out. talk to your dad and tell him how you are feeling and what you are thinking. dreaming about our loved ones can be very comforting, then again for some it can be very painful. talk to your dad before you go to sleep. ask him to come to you in a dream to let you know that he is ok. this may take a while for this to happen but it will. just do it every night. also, something else to try at the same time, think of 5 things that you are thankful for......your blessings. think of the good things that happened to you that day. and don't say that you can't think of any.......this can be hard to do at first but you can do it. when my mom died i had dreams of her almost every night for about 3 months, then nothing for several months. now i have about 1 or 2 dreams a month with her in them. you know, your dad has a job to do in his new life. he is always with you but he also needs to do his work, just like here. we are always here for our loved ones but we have to go to work. being strong does not mean to hide your pain from your son. let your feelings out. explain things to your son. talk to him about his feelings, it just might help you with yours. your therapist may not be the right person for you to help you with your grief. you may need to try another therapist that specializes in berevement/loss. also, don't be too quick to keep changing meds. stick with one for about 5 months. it takes a while for the meds to work and possibly you may need a different dose. try journaling, try reading books on the after life. or books about the people who are grieving for their loved ones. take all of those good things that your dad taught you and put them to use. that is what he would want you to do. apply those to your everyday life and acknowledge them. you have to put forth a bigger effort than you feel like doing in order to be able to step forward in this process. it is such a challenge. try calling a local hospital to see if they offer grief classes. and try your local hospice for classes too. churches sometimes offer them. that is where you will find the compassion that you need, not always from a therapist. also, keep posting here. that is why we are here. to try to help and to comfort. i wish you the best. heather

[tinasdad]

Heartbrokendaughter, I am so sorry about your loss. Are you wishing for a dream that can't yet happen? Our dreams are an internal way of our hearts trying to express itself, or our heart trying to sort out and make sense of our lives. You have enjoyed one dream of your Dad, and that's a beautiful thing. When you are healed a little more from the pain of this deep loss, you will have more dreams.

I understand the reasons for you being apprehensive about seeking the help of a counselor. All counselors are not alike, and it may take some work to locate the right one to match your circumstances and personality. If you can find that right one, I'm sure that you will find the healing process vastly different.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. You are with caring people here who have been "there," and are willing to help you with your journey to healing.

[teresanp]

I also recently lost my father. It's been 60 days since I buried him. He would have been 70 years old this May 23. We were the closest we had ever been when he died in a freak accident on his property. He had several acres and was cutting trails through the woods when his ATV caught a root and flipped over on him. He and the massive machine slid down a steep ridge, pinning him against a tree. The death certficate said it was minutes until he died, but it was evident he had called out for help and struggled to get the machine off of his head and chest. I thought I would die from the pain in my chest thinking about him alone and hurt in the woods. He was strong and in good health. We didn't know he was missing for two days. I had talked to him a few days before, but had no reason to worry until his cousin called saying she couldn't find him. We had false alarms before, running up to Daddy's house only to find him watching TV with the phone off or some other silly situation. He was stubborn and independent and did his own thing. But this time it was different. His car was there, keys on the counter, etc. A rescue/search party was sent out and it wasn't long until they came back and said they had found him. I saw my Daddy come out of the woods in a black bag. They told me I didn't want to see him, so I held onto his little hiking boot peeking through the end of the bag and said goodbye or I love you (I can't remember which).

Only 60 days into the horrible experience, people act like you should be "over it," and talk insensitively without a care. Work is especially hard. There are people who know how you feel, people who avoid you and people who simply haven't a clue how badly their insensitivity is wounding you. (Hold off on the death jokes, ok?)

I have to say Daddy's death has rekindled my faith. I have had so many obvious signs of him that I am amazed. Those signs have given me enough hope to continue breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

I haven't been on this forum before, so I don't know what I am doing, but my heart goes out to every one of you who has experienced this kind of loss. It's almost unbearable.

[gemsab]

Teresa, Please take all the time you need to grieve. Everyone is different and in your case this was a big shock as your Dad died so suddenly in a horrible accident. I am not saying that it is easier if your parent dies from a long illness but the shock of what and how you went through this is more than the normal sequence of events. You had no time to prepare. It will be especially hard on his birthday. Light a candle for him and talk to him if you go to his grave. I always talk to my Dad when I go to the cemetary. Just know he is watching over you from heaven. Please hang in there and take all the time you need to grieve! Remember the good times for no one can take away yur memories. Do not dwell on his death but on his life. He sounded like he was some guy!

Emily {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[biadmin]

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[teresanp]

Emily, thanks for your kind words. Every kind word helps. I never knew how much until I lost Daddy. I am also very sorry for your loss. It is so terribly hard. Take care and hugs to you. Teresa

[stoneleftbehind]

[i try to believe that Daddy went on vacation. That as of February 12,2005 I did not get a message saying......I'm sick....It's Daddy. That my fiancee did not wake me up and I did not go to my father's house and find him dead. My BEST friend, my rock, my only unconditional love. I cannot believe that I would ever turn to the internet to find solace. I have been hurt before, but I have never before been devastated. I am forver altered. The greatest man I know is a man named Skippy. Knew. That's where I get stuck. Past tense. NEVER AGAIN. IT's the worst **** I have ever been through and I have been through some ****. I am pissed. I am sad. I am lost.

[stoneleftbehind]

[i try to believe that Daddy went on vacation. That as of February 12,2005 I did not get a message saying......I'm sick....It's Daddy. That my fiancee did not wake me up and I did not go to my father's house and find him dead. My BEST friend, my rock, my only unconditional love. I cannot believe that I would ever turn to the internet to find solace. I have been hurt before, but I have never before been devastated. I am forver altered. The greatest man I know is a man named Skippy. Knew. That's where I get stuck. Past tense. NEVER AGAIN. IT's the worst **** I have ever been through and I have been through some ****. I am pissed. I am sad. I am lost.

[gemsab]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} Stone! It does get better! You will survive! You are just at the stage of grieving where anger sets in. That is normal at this point in time. Keep posting and getting out your anger and frustration...........it helps. I hope you find solace and peace very soon. The last stage of grief is acceptance and it just takes time and prayer!

Emily

[lauraa]

Dear Heartbrokendaughter,

I lost my dad last year and even though I'm sure that I am older than you I understand your pain. My dad besides my husband was the best friend and now that I have lost my husband I don't have my dad to lean on. I pray everyday that my two best friends are together in heaven and in total peace. I will pray for you. It has been a year since I lost my husband the grieving is still rough but it is something we have to go thru. Just remember they are with us...they just "passed" onto another realm...but spiritually they are right by our side. Take one day at a time and do it your way and remember to do just little things for yourself that will make you feel alittle better each and everyday and know your dear daddy would want that for you and would not want you to be sad...he is watching you and coaching you every minute. I know it!

[biadmin]

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http://www.beyondindigo.com/buddyfind/index.html

[eternity111]

I lost my dad 2months ago on May 16, 2005. He died the night before St. Patricks Day March 16, 2005 (His favorite Holiday) He was my best friend and I can't believe he is really gone. I mean I know he died but I can't believe it. I cannot stand how I feel. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I hope this pain gets easier to deal with. I keep busy most of the time, but those moments do sneak in. I try not to focus on never seeing him again but when I do i feel like i am going to lose it. I was always daddy's girl growing up and now I'm a mother & married. He always came to see me on Thursdays and he would bring the donuts and I would put on the coffee. We would sit on my porch swing for hours and talk and laugh. The other day I went in my kitchen closet and found his equal. The littlest things mean so much to me. If I could ask God something I would ask him to give my dad the biggest hug, and tell him I love him & miss him, and please tell him I'm putting the coffee on.... I love you Dad!!!

[cryinginkentucky]

Dear Lauraa,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOU ENCOURAGING SUPPORT. I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR YOUR INCREDIBLE LOSSES. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU THAT GOD WILL KEEP YOU STRONG EVEN DURING YOUR WEAKEST MOMENTS AND THAT WE BOTH CAN HOLD ONTO THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE IS NO PROBLEM, CIRCUMSTANCE, OR SITUATION GREATER THAN GOD.

I WILL TAKE A LOOK AT THE BOOKS YOU HAVE RECOMMENDED.

WHILE MY FATHER WAS ONLY 64-YEARS YOUNG, HE IS MISSED EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. ONE OF MY DAUGHTER'S TOLD ME LAST NIGHT THAT "DAD STILL IS ALIVE, IT'S JUST THAT HE IS ALIVE IN HEAVEN". POWERFUL WORDS AND INSIGHT FROM AN 11-YEAR OLD.

I HOPE HER WORDS GIVE YOU COMFORT TOO.

AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO MY POST. YOUR WORDS COULD NOT BE MORE TRUE: "we grieve as deep as we loved".

STILL CRYINGINKENTUCKY:(

Dear CryinginKy,

I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how your feeling. I lost my father Dec.03, my husband May 04 and mom June 04....I got hit by a mac truck. I still have not caught me breathe. My dad and my husband were my best friends in the entire world and I lost them both withing 6 months of each other....I am still so totally sad. And, I have said it for almost a year now...where the hell did everybody go?? I have two professional people encouraging me to write a book about that specificly....I don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t have an answer for you on that one...I think all the excuses are completely laim. It has hurt me beyond words, therefore I really do feel alone in the world. It hurts to loose a parent no matter how old you or they are. I feel the same about eternity. When my husband \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"passed\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" I needed to know more about that. I believe in god and eternity but I needed to know more. I read alot about the \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"afterlife\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" and started reading about mediums and I didn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t know what one was before that.....It has validated for me that our love one are fine in the \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"afterlife\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"...no-more pain, suffering and they are in the most glorious place imaginable. People would argue about mediums and say they are frauds and I say you have to be careful in any walk of life because it is everywhere but the medium I spoke to told me thing that she would never in a million years know about me or my husband...it helped me tremendously. Look for books by George Anderson, Suzanne Northrop, Bill and Judt Gugenheim (HELLO FROM HEAVEN)...They all have helped me alot. I have also found the most beautiful Spiritual Church that I go to periodicly...they believe we do not die we just shed our physical bodie and that is what we were taught thru my upbringing with the catholic church. I hope you continue to write along with everyone else...it is so helpful and you don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t feel so alone....I am sorry for your loss. It is painful that life goes on and we are being tortured. Remember, they are closer to us than our own hearts....and, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"we grieve as deep as we loved\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\".....Your not alone!

[biadmin]

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[jeeenah]

Everyday I have to live without my dad is a day my heart grows more empty. I hate how this world operates, I hate how people are gone in a second, I hate the pain we all suffer.

I lost my mom at 22, my dad in December 04, my sister was suicidal and psychotic during my dad's illness with cancer, my father-in-law died in 2003, my 35 year old brother had a heart attack....I mean where does it end?

I am afraid to live for fear of loss. Thank GOD for my wonderful husband.

[gemsab]

Big {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Jeeenah! I am so sorry for your losses. Sometimes I wonder why some people have no pain and yet others get everything thrown at them at once. Just remember God only send us what we can handle so you must be a very strong woman. Hang on to that great hubby...........he will be your source of strength! God bless!

Emily

[missudaddy]

I just lost my father who was 58 on June 1, 2005 to throat cancer. He battled rectal cancer last year and beat it and I thought he would beat this one. I went to visit him for memorial day weekend (halfway through chemo and radiation) with the expectation he would finish treatments and be alright. The day I got there he started going down hill and by Wed. June 1 we lost him. I am a bundle of confused emotions and not sure where to go or what to do.

[songbird]

I just lost my father who was 58 on June 1, 2005 to throat cancer. He battled rectal cancer last year and beat it and I thought he would beat this one. I went to visit him for memorial day weekend (halfway through chemo and radiation) with the expectation he would finish treatments and be alright. The day I got there he started going down hill and by Wed. June 1 we lost him. I am a bundle of confused emotions and not sure where to go or what to do.

[songbird]

[i am sorry for your loss. I lost my father on April 3, 2005. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. I can only say that I know how you feel and so do many people that visit this site. I am on it every night. It has helped me to "deal" just a little bit. No one can tell you how to feel, I know many people will try. You are looking for help in the right place.

[missudaddy]

Thanks Songbird

It was just a shock and I still dont feel like it is real yet. Just takin it one day at a time. I am sorry for your loss.

[kaitlin]

butterfly8:

I am eleven also, and my Dad died just two days after yours (June 23 - lung cancer). I hope you are surviving the anniversary okay - I am, but my Mum's leaking a bit.

Kaitlin.

[missudaddy]

Kaitlin my heart goes out to you. You are so young to lose your daddy. I know how bad you are feeling. Please make sure you talk with people and dont keep it all in.

[kaitlin]

I am talking to people. Although I find it difficult to talk to people face-to-face, I am part of a group called k2k (kids to kids) for kids who have lost someone. It's a mailing group. Their website is http://www.kidsaid.com, if anybody is interested.

[missudaddy]

Great job Kaitlin! Keep it up. I know how hard this is, but the only way to make it through is by talking about your feeling.

By the way the heart goes out to all of us who are missing our fathers today!

[gemsab]

Today is the second anniversary of my Dad's passing. This time of the year is very hard on my family as he passed away 2 days after his 54th wedding anniversary and 2 days before Father's Day. I placed a lovely basket of flowers on his grave on Friday night. I miss you Dad but I feel your prescence. I even had a dream about him last night!

Emily

[songbird]

I am talking to people. Although I find it difficult to talk to people face-to-face, I am part of a group called k2k (kids to kids) for kids who have lost someone. It's a mailing group. Their website is http://www.kidsaid.com, if anybody is interested.

[songbird]

Kaitlyn, you are a very brave young lady. I am 35 years old and know how hard I am taking the loss of my daddy. You have alot of support here and are doing all of the right things to get yourself help. Yesterday was a tough day for all of us and my heart goes out to you and your family. Stay strong.

[djenney]

Hi, I am 35 and I just lost my father on 6/15/05. He was diagnosed with lung cancer on 5/25/05. He went in for surgery to remove part of his lung, had a massive heart attack, stayed barely alive for several hours, and then let go. I am still in shock and I am hurting so much it's unreal. I would give everything I have to see my dad one more time. My heart aches and I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through this. I can't find joy in anything - thankfully my husband is being wonderful and holding down the house and kids - because I'm completely non-functional and the sadness has taken me over completely. I am sad and angry and scared and I want to talk to someone who understands.

[dazedconfused1]

I lost my dad on June 19, 2005 due to a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. He would have been 61 on July 9th.

To say it came from no where is an understatement. On Saturday June 18th, my dad said he never felt better. On Sunday morning, I called home to wish my dad Happy Father's Day - and discuss our afternoon BBQ plans. When I called, however, my mom said he wasn't feeling well, but he would call me back in a bit.

After about an hour, I called again - and my mother answered again only to say he still was not feeling good. I asked what was wrong - because it had suddenly hit me - how bad must he feel that he can't pick up the wireless phone?? My mom gave me the quick and dirty on his symptoms which seemed fairly benign, but to be safe my immediate response was, "call 911 right now". She did.

After he arrived at the hospital, the doctors decided he needed a pace maker. My sisters, (I have 4 sisters, I am in the middle), my mom and I were all relieved. A temporary pace maker was inserted sometime in the early afternoon. The doctors said he'd be home by Tuesday. Given the circumstances, my sisters and I decided we would just celebrate Father's Day on the next Sunday (today- 6/26) several days after my dad should have been home.

Somewhere around 6 p.m., something went terribly wrong. My husband and I live about 2 hours away from my parents, and by the time we got to the hospital at 8 p.m., it was too late, he was gone.

I am in complete shock. I expect him to walk in the door or call me to find out when I'm coming over, despite seeing his lifeless body with my own eyes.

Admittedly, it took 4 hours for me to leave his bedside because I was not convinced, I am certain I saw him move more than once, and I even think I heard his stomach growl like he was hungry.

My mother and sisters are dealing so differently. For the most part, talking with them helps a little - but it also makes it worse. We all feel a gaping hole in our heart. My dad filled a room - he was the constant comedian, entertainer extraordinaire and always ready for anything. I can't believe that we will ever be ok. I know we will never be the same.

The first few days after his death, I was on auto-pilot. I cried at the appropriate times, but I took over making all the arrangements. So I had a job to do, I had to keep everyone else together. The memorial service was held on Thursday and my husband and I returned home late on Friday.

In comparison to today, Friday wasn't so bad. At least it didn't start out that way. As the day wore on, I realized I was walking in circles - aimless motion - moving just to move from place to place with no purpose. I think I ate something yesterday, but it wasn't much. But I can't remember.

Today - my aimless motion was compounded by complete inability to concentrate, actual inability to comprehend words (i could hear the words, I just couldn't process it), incredible memory loss and overwhelming despair. I found it all paralyzing, and even as I write this message, still do.

I found myself in places I wasn't sure why I was there. And on the off chance I knew why I was there, like the dry cleaner’s, I had forgotten the clothes at home.

I had various conversations with people throughout the day, despite my attempts to avoid all human contact, but I have no recollection of the conversations. I am not even certain to whom I spoke.

Its barely a week, but I am already disgusted with people asking "how are you doing?" and "is there anything I can do?". As to the first question, I want to respond, “How the %@** do you think I feel?”. And as to the second question, I want to respond, “Unless you are able to raise the dead, then no, there is nothing you can do.”

I had intend to go back to work on Monday, but I don’t know how I am going to do it. I really just want to go back to have something to do, and get over the most popular questions identified above. How do you know if it is too soon? What if I go to work and fall apart?

As I sit here now writing this, I realize that I haven't eaten anything all day. I guess I forgot. Although I am not sure how one forgets to eat, either you are hungry or you are not. I don't think I even felt hungry, so why would I look to eat?

Thanks for listening – please share your insights. I am just so lost. My husband is doing his best to understand and be supportive of my physical and mental state, but he is doesn't really understand.

[vangie51]

IM NEW HERE ,I HAVE READ SOME OF YOUR MESSAGES AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO EVERYONE THAT HAS LOST A LOVED ONE,I KNOW HOW BAD THE HURT CAN BE, MY FATHER WENT TO BE WITH THE LORD JAN19 2005 ABOUT 9:20 PM,MY FATHER WAS 81 YEARS OLD AND RIGHT BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY HE SAW THE GATES OF HEAVEN AND HE SAID THEY WERE OPEN AND THAT HE WAS READY TO GO HOME,OUR FAMILY ASK HIM WHAT HEAVEN LOOKED LIKE AND HE SAID IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.I REALY DO BELIEVE THAT GOD LET OUR FATHER SEE HEAVEN SO THAT WE WOULD KNOW WERE HE WENT AND THAT IF WE WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN THEN WE SHOULD LIVE A GOOD LIFE. BEFORE OUR FATHER PASSED HE TOLD US TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND TO BE GOOD.TIME OUR FATHER PASSED,HE WENT BACK TO A YOUTHFUL LOOK, SO YOUNG LOOKING.I MISS HIM ,BUT I KNOW HE IS IN HEAVEN,I SAW IT IN FACE. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE THIS -VANGIE

[stillnumb]

My father died of a heart attack two weeks ago. One minute my life is going on as usual and the next I get a phone call telling me he is dead and that there is no need to come to the hospital. He was my only parent and now he is gone. I feel like everything has been a blur...driving to tell my siblings..calling family...identifying the body...making funeral arrangements...finding a cemetary..picking out his clothes..and now being back at work.

I am thankful for all the wonderful friends who called or came, but I just feel like no one understands. I don't even know anyone who is my age (mid 30's) who has no parents or who can relate to how alone it feels now that he is gone. I feel self-conscious around others, like I am the walking dark cloud and my boyfriend who has been great and with me non-stop since the call, wants to know when I am going to start being his girlfriend again. I don't even know what to say to that..it just feels like how can I go on with life as usual when all I can think of is that my father is dead.

[missudaddy]

My sympathy to the 3 new members. I lost my dad on June1, 2005. So I know how you are feeling.

My prayers are with you and your families

[missudaddy]

oops sorry there are 4 of you.... wanted to make sure you all were thought of

[songbird]

My heart goes out to all of you. I am also 35 and can't believe that my father is gone. I am engaged and will never have him walk me down the eisle. The sadness I feel everyday makes me feel like Iwill never enjoy life again. My father died in April. Although he had been sick over the years, he was doing very well before he died. He choked eating a piece of bread and never regained conciousness. I will never be able to get over the fact that I never got to speak to him before this happened. By the time we got there, was in the hospital on life support. He stayed there for 2 weeks, hoping for some sign of life; that he heard us there. But he never did. Everyone is there for you and very supportive in the beginning. But then they go about there lives and the emptiness sets in. I am finding that it gets harder as the time goes on. My birthday was the other day and all I wanted to do was cry. Life is very sad and I feel like my fiance is starting to become less understanding of my moods. He tries to support me, but I keep reminding him that he doesn't know how I feel, since his parents are alive. I know that isn't fair of me, but I truly feel that noone can understand what it's like unless you live it. I am so thankful for finding this site.

[ccbabygirl22]

This is my first visit. It has been 58 days since my father passed away from a sudden and massive heart attack. I am 26 years old and never thought that I would be going through this...at least not for another 25 years or more. My father was only 58 years old.

My father had worked a 12 hour day at work and came home and went right out to work on the yard. He loved being outdoors and loved to cut the grass and work near the ponds he had built in the backyard. He had nearly finished cutting the grass when he collapsed. One of the kids in our neighborhood saw him lying in the back and told his mother who preceeded to call 911. She knew that when she reached him that he was already dead. The paramedics continued to work on him in the backyard for another 40 mins. and then transported him to the hospital where he was pronounced dead at 5:19pm. When my husband and I finally got to the hospital, many of our neighbors were there to meet us. They knew that he was already gone but waited to let the doctor tell us.

A couple days later, our next door neighbor's son who is five years old told his mother that my father had come to say good-bye to him. He said that when the paramedics were working in the back, my dad came over and told him that he had to leave for awhile and that he wanted to come say good-bye before he did. The little boy was also able to describe a lot of the things that were occuring in the backyard. The amazing thing about this is that the little boy was never able to see into the back where the paramedics were working on my father

My husband and I have moved back in with my mother to help her out as much as we can. My mother is in a deep depression right now...who can blame her...she lost her best friend of 34 years. My father passed away 1 day short of the 34th anniversary of when he purposed to her. My husband and I are also going through a very turbulant time. We are newly married and I volunteered us to move back in with my mother without really speaking with him first. I felt like this would be best for the time being. My husband is having a very difficult time with this. He was never close with his parents and cannot understand the emotions that I am going through right now. He looks at me as though I should be over the loss of my father and living a normal and happy life...back in our newly purchased home.

Most people who have not lost a parent look at you this way. You just want the world and everyone in it to stop and feel sorry for you.

[sargy1019]

I lost my father May 15. It was a sudden heart attack. It was completely unexpected. He was very healthy and always active. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I feel so bad for my mom. The emotions I feel are unreal. I wish I could get the images of the funeral out of my mind.

He just dropped over getting out of bed to go to the bathroom at 2 in the morning. The doctors did everything to revive him but he was gone. I miss him so much.

[biadmin]

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[lilprincess25]

My Dad, my best friend, died on December 4, 2004. He suffered complications during surgery for an aortic anurysm following an auto accident (I know I spelled that wrong..)

He was only 54, and I am 25 -- he died the week before I was about to receive my Master's degree, a graduation he would have been at (just like every other milestone in my life).

Although I was living away from home for grad school, Dad and I spoke at least 3 times a day. He was my biggest supporter, always knew what to say to me when I needed advice and he loved me more than anyone EVER will.

I grew up with divorced parents and lived with my Dad through middle school, high school and at times during college. He was an attorney, a community leader, an advocate for causes he believed in and he cared about everyone he ever met.

Since his death (6 months ago), I moved accross country hoping to "escape" my feelings and live in denial. I also started a great new career. However, my boyfriend broke up with me because he didn't want to move. So, here I am, alone -- and I can't pick up the phone and call Dad.

I feel depressed, angry and I don't enjoy things I used to.

How do you deal with this? I cry all the time, i'm starting counseling soon -- but nothing will bring Dad back. This is living in hell for me sometimes. And, no matter what, I can't talk to my Daddy.

Sarah

[stillnumb]

I am finding reading others comments to be helpful, I just wish that there were more. It is hard to believe that my father has been gone over three weeks now. At times I feel like he is away on a trip and that's why I haven't spoken to him. My brain just can't seem to absorb that my strong father who has been my only parent since I was seven is gone. I always thought that I would end up taking care of him later in life, never did I think that one day I would get a phone call saying that he had a heart attack and was gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream, there are lots of people around me at work, when I'm out who are talking to me, but it is so hard to concentrate on what they are saying and to respond to them. I feel like people expect me to be "returning to normal" now that it has been almost three weeks. I feel like the world should be stopped now and keep being surprised that it is not. People tell me stories about their deceased ones and how they received "signs". I haven't had any signs and these stories just make me feel more sad, because all I want to know is that my Dad is safe and not lonely separated from his family.

[lauraa]

Dear Vangie,

I read your beautiful post about your dear father. I believe everything you said. I'm sure your father did see heaven and was surrounded by angels along with family members to help him "pass". He is still with you in spirit! Thank you.

To Everyone else here,

I haven't posted here in awhile but I lost my dad Dec. 04, my husband May 05 and my mom June 05. I know these feelings you all have. There are so many emotions and stages we all have to go thru. I recommend that you all keep writing your feelings here as it has helped me tremendously. You will not be judge and everything is normal here. Remember, we all have different experiences and we will all go thru this in our own way and time. Be gentle on yourselves. Crying is normal and o.k. I cried the entire first year and I "allowed myself" to. People did go away and that was difficult to handle so early on I knew I had to handle it my way and alone. No-one does understand unless they have been thru it....I don't care who they are. And, it's funny how others who haven't view what problems are. Their worlds are small! For me just knowing that they are with me in spirit has helped. I say, "we grieve as deeply as we loved". It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure and raise 3 teenagers at the same time. I do not have the zest for life I once had and trying each and everyday to find meaning again and another purpose besides my kids to my life. I can honestly say I experienced "oneness" with another human being and for that I am thankful but depressed without him. I am happy to hit the bed at night to sleep to escape the feelings. Doesn't always work though. You all need to do one good thing for yourselves everyday and know that all you feel is normal. And, it is horrible...I know my husband would not want to see me sad and so I work hard at getting on with my life. I do cry alot because I miss him so much and even after 14 months I still feel like it is a dream. Everyone acts like I'm over it but I'm not and I never will be. So thank you all for sharing and please know your not alone when you are here. I will keep you all in my prayers and if we all pray for each other we will feel the power.

[yarsa0513]

I lost my father three weeks ago... people are asking me now "what's wrong" and I feel like screaming at them.. my father is gone, that's what's wrong. I cry all day and can't seem to do anything but lay on the couch or sit in my room all alone holding his watch and staring at his picture. I'm calling my mother's house when i know she is not home just to hear his voice on the answering machine. I feel so bad, and i feel like this is not normal.. everyone else seems to be able to deal with this but me. I think my family is starting to lose patience with me, they looking at me like.. 'shouldn't you be over this by now?"

[butterfly10954]

I am so, so tired. My dad died July 4th, and my emotions are a mess and I can't sleep. Some days I am doing "surprisingly well", others, NOT. I am a mess, but have three kids, his grandkids who were very, very close to him, and I have to go on for them. It is traumatic, and so exhausting. I am so sick of repeating the story to every Tom Dick and Harry I see. It is like each time I tell someone his story, I drain myself of what little energy I have.

He was the coolest Dad in the world. ANd I just miss him so much.

The saddest thing is my kids. For my father, his grand kids were everything, and it is torture to see them sad. It's just an awful time.

[chanchiluv]

Hi My dad passed away a little over a month ago. He was only 57 and it was very sudden and unexpected. He went in for a routine angiogram and stent placement in his heart, and ended up brain dead from a punctured artery and anoxia (no oxygen to the brain). He and my mom were married for 37 years, and knew eachother for 40. My mom doesn't have any other immediate family besides me and my family (dh, dd & ds)now that dad has passed. I feel so sorry for her, and so numb myself. I just can't believe it's happened, KWIM? My dad went from working as a boilermaker working 6 day a week, 10 hours a day, only two months from his planned retirement with my mom, to lying on a slab in some coroner's office. The whys and what ifs are so strong in me too. My dad was symptomless; had no idea he even had blockages in his heart. He went in for surgery on his hand (cysts removed), and the doctor didn't like his EKG and ordered more tests. I can't help thinking that if dad had not gone in for this surgery when he did, he'd still be alive today. Why do things like this happen? Is it just fate that he should have this happen to him? I just don't know. All I know is my mom is very lost right now, and I am trying my best to be there for her. Oddly, I can't seem to confide in her what I'm talking about here. Is it a being "strong" thing? I don't know. I wish I could; I wish we could grieve together, but right now I'm just finding it to hard to do. Thanks for listening, if you got this far.

Linda, San Lorenzo, CA

[djenney]

Hi, I am 35 and I just lost my father on 6/15/05. He was diagnosed with lung cancer on 5/25/05. He went in for surgery to remove part of his lung, had a massive heart attack, stayed barely alive for several hours, and then let go. I am still in shock and I am hurting so much it's unreal. I would give everything I have to see my dad one more time. My heart aches and I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through this. I can't find joy in anything - thankfully my husband is being wonderful and holding down the house and kids - because I'm completely non-functional and the sadness has taken me over completely. I am sad and angry and scared and I want to talk to someone who understands.