Loss of a Father

[slowlyhealing]

My father left my family three years ago. Not by death but by a choice he made. There are times were I hold anger... and then there are times where I wish he would have just loved me. He always said he did and then... he choice to leave us behind and do his own thing. I am almost twenty now... and I miss his laugh, and I miss him holding me when I was down or depressed about something. I missed how he use to stand up for me... but now I don't have that. My mom too is going to be leaving soon, her death with most likely hurt more than ever because I don't have the support of my father. I don't have my daddy's arms to run to. I truly want my father back but... the thing he has done is so wrong that I know that our relationship will NEVER be like it was when I was a child. I know how it is to hear a song on the radio and realize that the loved one is gone. I can barely get through butterfly kisses with out bawling or somehow hurting deep inside. I have learned to lean on my heavenly father, even though at times I can't feel him I know he would never break my heart... but I still wanted that special song playing "butterfly kisses" when my earthly father walked me down that long aisle to get married. Why does it hurt so bad? I thought I was over the anger and pain of what my father did, and how he left us but... I'm not... It hurts more than ever. Okay... I got to go the tears are coming...

[kagansmommy]

It will be one year tomorrow that my Daddy passed away and it has been 2 month's today that my baby boy passed away. The wave's of emotion's that have been coming over me are almost more that I can stand. I went to visit their grave's and put flower's on them for Easter. This is the first holiday for me without both of them. Seeing those two grave's there side by side bring's me a little comfort knowing they are together now. But the pain of missing them is horrible. I have slept for the last 14 hour's just to keep from thinking about them. I know I will see them again some day. My life here on earth drag's by miserably until that day. I can not wait to see my Daddy holding Kagan again.

The song "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton played at the closing of Kagan's funeral. That song rips my heart out to hear it now because it remind's me of them both. Until we meet again..."I Love You Daddy" "I Love You Kagan"

Christy (kagansmommy)

[slowlyhealing]

kagans mom,

I can only imagine the pain you are going through by loosing your father and your son. I lost my father three years ago, and I am soon to loose my mother. I am still single, though... I dream one day of having a family of my own, my dreams are shadowed by fears and scary thoughts. I want children... I know for sure I do, I want a husband but... the thought of him doing what my father has done to my family tears my dream. I miss my dad, even though he hurt us so bad. I miss the way he use to put his arms around me and tell me I was doing a good job. My mom can't do that anymore either. Oh yes her face still shows some emotion but... the light in her eyes seems to be fading day by day.

I can't imagine what you had to go through, but I hope you hold on to the truth that God will never leave you if you believe. Your little boy is up there with your dad smiling down on you. I hope you find some more peace in the coming days.

Nicole

[lauraa]

Hi,

I lost my dad a year ago and I miss him so much...I really haven't had a chance to grieve either of my parents "passing" as I have been so grief stricken from loosing my husband 10 months ago....It is so overwhelming at times I can hardly breathe. I miss them all. My dad and my husband were my two best friends in all the world and I never thought I could go on without either of them...I just had to loose them within 6 months of each other and then my mom (all in 6 months time). I really feel I've been slammed by a tornado at times and I feel it's probally post traumatic stress. My energy level is really low but I do try to stay in the day and not look to far ahead. My priority was to keep my 3 kids going and have a good year and they are all surpassing my expectations...it has been interesting. I will keep you all in my heart and I'll send positive energy your way.

[slowlyhealing]

I'm in prayer for you Laura.

[rubyrose]

Mege73 and everyone who is grieving.

Just to let you know that you are all in my prayers and wish you all a healing heart. It's been so hard over Easter, I got very emotional and teary and had my dad come through for me in my dreams. We actually gave each other a very big hug and if felt so wonderful, it almost felt like he was here on earth again. It has been 15 months since I last hugged and kissed my dad; just before he died. The feeling was sensational and brought me lots of joy and peace. I know that he was looking over me and my family over easter, as my little 8 year old niece dreamt of him hugging her also. Just wanted to share this with you all. It was beautiful and amazing and my dad wanted us to know he was there and share this special occasion with us.

Light and Love to you all

[BIJulie]

Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

[keshia1]

Hi everyone,

I finally put my daddys headstone on his grave, its going on 1 year since he's passed away and it was very hard and still so unbelievable that he is gone. We have a family grave yard that has been in our family for ages. As a young girl I use to always go and look at the headstones from my ancestors I never once really believed that today I would be looking at my daddys. I am really going through a hard time right now I thought by now it would get easier but its only becoming more real. It just seems that by putting the headstone down on that slab made it more offical. It hurts to look at it because it doesn't feel right. I sound really crazy don't I. Thanks for listening everyone.

[slowlyhealing]

Keshia,

I am sorry for your loss. I pray that God will give you the strength to make it through. I too have lost a father, not like many of you, but because of his own decision. My mom is dying of ALS, and like you I never really thought all of this would happen to me.

My father will be out of jail in about 2 years- 4 more... and I don't really know what I have to say to him. As I drive to school and back... I see this large grave yard, and never before have I thought that in about a year maybe a little more, I will be standing there at my mothers grave stone. I know that she will be in such a better place then here, but it hurts. It hurts to loose someone close, and it really hurts when you suddenly realize all of this going on around you is real... When my dad left our family... I was in doubt... I was in doubt when he was in my family too... a Godly man... and father shouldn't do such things to his family... but he did, when we left, and he was taken to jail... I thought he would come back one day... like my "true" daddy would, and wrap his arms around me and tell me that hes sorry and he loved me, and he's proud of me... but in about three months reality set in, and I realized that what he had done was true... and he would never be in my life the same way he was back then... It hurt, my heart broke... and anger and fear set in. Through time God healed the anger, and he healed the fear. I wanted my dad to walk me down aisle at my wedding, but he can't. I wanted to see his face when he held my first born, but he won't. Yes the scar and wound is still there. Hopefully in time they will slowly vanish. Okay I've blabbled a little to much, but at least my feelings are out.

I'm in prayer for you Keshia, I hope your pain is filled with hope again.

I'm still here

Nicole

[keshia1]

Nicole,

Thanks for listening, I am sorry about your mom's condition. Just spend as much time with her as you can and talk to her and tell her how much you love her everyday. My daddy died so suddenly and so unexpectedly, I wish I would have told him that I loved him everyday and so much more, I've learned not to take things for granted. I am sure when the time comes with your mother you will know that you held nothing back from her and that may help your pain in the long run. I don't really know the sittuation with your dad but if this helps any just remember that no one is perfect and maybe one day you could forgive him because if you had a close relationship with your father you may need him in the long run and he may need you. May god be with you and your family.

[slowlyhealing]

Keshia,

Hey I'm trying my best to spend as much time with my mom. Its all I really can do. As for my father... I know that he isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, no one is. A part of me has forgiven him, but another part... it can't... I've tried, but in order to move on I know that I have forgiven him to that extent.

Its hard for those who don't have that one minute to say goodbye, or sorry, or I love you.

I pray for you and your family to have the strength and courage to move on. I know part of you already has, and God bless you for that. Not a lot of people recover or move on from a loss. I know it takes time, but it also takes God.

Prayer and hopes from me to you,

Nicole

[kagansmommy]

My Dad was buried one year ago today and the pain is still so raw. I never got the chance to tell him goodbye but the last word's he did hear me say were "I love you Daddy." We had brought him home from the hospital so he could die at home with his family around him. On sunday before he passed away we were all sitting around his bed and I looked down and my Son, Kagan had stopped breathing and was turning blue. We called an ambulance and when they got their the EMT's didn't know who they were there to get. They automatically went to my Dad and we had to tell them it was Kagan. As I started out the door a voice in my head told me my Dad would die before I got back home. So I went back in and told him that I loved him and Kagan would be ok so don't worry about him and just rest. Kagan was rushed to a children's hospital almost 100 miles away. He had a rare disease so they had to keep him a few day's. On tuesday my Dad passed away within minutes after my Mom whispered into his ear that Kagan was okay. Kagan has since passed away on Jan. 28, 2005. I know I was where my Dad would have wanted me to be but not being there to tell him goodbye is really starting to bother me. Kagan is buried right next to my Dad and his headstone is being set next week. It is hard enough going there and seeing my Dad's stone and now seeing my son's is going to be so hard. We came home from the hospital the next day after my Dad's funeral. I could not go to the gravesite until his stone was set. Everyone told me that was wrong and I should go anyway but I couldn't. I think thing's should be done in your own time...not when someone tell's you it should be done. I visit both their grave's several times a week. The pain isn't getting better, it just keeps getting worse. My Mom and Dad were happily married for 41 years. She is getting remarried in 5 weeks. He is a wonderful man but this soon after my Dad's death is a lot to handle. Everyone deserve's to be happy, I just think it awful soon to remarry. But she is a grwon woman and life has to go on. We just have to learn to go on without the one's we love the most. My prayer's go out to you Keshia~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"I love you Daddy...I love you Kagan~!!!"

[slowlyhealing]

Prayers and thoughts go out to all of you. May God bless you with the peace and comfort that you all need

Nikki

[keshia1]

Hello Kagan's momma

Kagan is a beautiful name. Tears filled my eyes when I just read your post. April 5 will be my daddys year to date of his passing. How in the world did we get through this year the holidays, the birthdays. It is so weird that I can talk on this message board with all of you about the death of my father than my on family. My mother and father were divorced for about 5 years before he died last year. She remarried 2 months after and I tell you it was still hard for me. The feeling is really crazy because the world doesn't stop because we lost the ones we loved. Just last year about 1 month after my dad died I was in wal-mart and it just hit me like a rock, I looked around and people were shopping and laughing and I was standing at the register and the cashier was ringing my items up, and all I could or wanted to say was how can all of you go on like nothing happen my daddys gone! I believe that we have all felt that way, all of your posts really hits home in some way or the other. I am so so sorry that you lost your little kagan, I know there isn't much I could say to you that is going to make it better, but I believe with God on our side we all will get through this and be alot stronger...

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Keshia~! I think the only thing that got me through the first 10 month's was the fact that Kagan needed me 24/7. I didn't have time to think about it and I could not afford to break down. If I was suffering then Kagan was suffering so I put my grief on hold. Kagan had to have 27 doses of med's per day just to get thru one day. I only left him 4 hours a week to do necessary shopping. I did my christmas shopping online. I was so consumed by Kagan and his care that I forgot about everything else. But then on January 28, 2005 the reality of both death's came crashing down on me like a brick wall. It's like my Dad passed away all over again along with my baby. The first 10 month's I felt like Dad was away in the hospital or something. Because he spent so much time in the hospital the last few month's and because of Kagan I didn't get to spend much time with my Dad. But I would never trade one second that I spent with my beautiful baby boy for anything. I was where my Dad wanted me to be...taking care of his little buddy. When my Dad would realize I was at the hospital he would get really stressed out because he knew no one could take care of Kagan like I could and he feared something would happen while I was away. Not that I think I am a better Mommy than anyone else but because I knew Kagan better that anyone. I knew what was a seizure and what wasn't or what was good sleep or sleep that needed to be watched closely. Good tired and maybe his sugar is too low tired. So many things had to be monitored so closely with him. And there is no way anyone else could do the medicine schedule...not even his Daddy. So for me it has only been 2 month's for both of them and my pain is so overwhelming I feel as if I can't breathe sometimes. But for them I am learning to live with the pain of losing them. I am learning who I am again and that it's ok to laugh and have fun without them. I still have a lot of guilt for going out and doing things but I am learning.

Take care and God Bless~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

[slowlyhealing]

Loosing my father, was kind of different from you alls. I still miss him though.

Three years ago... I started to truly realize how deep his sin was. I know no ones perfect, but oh how he ever hurt our family. My dad was minister. A godly man, a father to my brothers and me, and a husband to my wonderful momma. Maybe if I just can write out my thoughts and feeling of how I feel about what he did and how it affects me I will be able to heal a bit.

My dad was arrested two years ago January 2nd, the same day we found out about my mom's ALS. We had left the day after Christmas, because he had finally admitted to what he had done.

We got the call at my grandparents house that the police had searched our house. Dad was in jail awaiting his court time.

He was guilty of sexual assualt of two minors.

Why? Why would he do this to us, to them? He was my father... He was a man that taught about this sort of sin. Everywhere I go I wonder... What would it have been like if he didn't do that? WOuld he still be here? Would he still love us? Would he be helping me with momma? Whould he...

I don't know. I'll never have the answers to that until I get to heaven.

I know this is a way different loss than all of you have suffered, and I don't know if this is the right place, but I too have lost my dad, and it hurts really bad.

I have come to the point to where I need to make the decision to go see him, but according to my dad's twin brother... He doesn't think my father truly understands the amount he has hurt those kids, and families, and our own family. How could I sit across from him? Yes I know a part of me has forgiven him, but he won't admit he's wrong... I want my daddy back, the one that adopted me, the one that told me that he loved me... but I can't.

I'm sorry... I'll leave ya now. It feels a little better though.

I pray for you all daily, and I hope God gives you the strength and courage to move on, even if its slowly. May God bless you all

Nicole

[keshia1]

nicole,

It seems that you might need to talk with your father no matter what or how he feels, you need answers and he is the only one to give them to you, maybe if he sees you he will realize how bad he hurt everyone. You need to do what your heart tells you to do. If you beleive that you need to go see him then you should, and if it doesn't turn out the way you would like it to, then atleast you know you've done what you could do. Post ya later!

[slowlyhealing]

keshia

Yeah your right. He may not like what I have to say, but it would help me bunches. I'll follow what God is telling me to do, and pray that it goes alright

Thanks for the advice

Nicole

[keshia1]

Hi everyone,

Well tommorow at approximately 3:55 am it will be a year, maybe I will wake up in the morning and hope this was just a bad dream and that he is really still alive. Wishful thinking! I just pray that I can make it through the day tommorow without breaking down, but somehow I feel it coming on very strongly.I hope everyone is doing okay, well I guess I'll go now.

[butterfly8]

on june 21 my dad died from a massive heart attack. It was the day after fathers day and was going on a school trip and when i got home my mom was standing at the end of the drive way to see me . I asked her what she was doing home (it was her day to work and she said something had happend. At first I thought my pet died.(alot of my pets have died.)then I guessed it was somthing with my dad, my dad had diabeaties.she shook her head yes and grabed my handand took me over to the garden wall. I sat down and she told me he died . The first thing I thought was she was playing a nasty joke, but she was not . she started to cry and then I knew she was not joking . I am 11 and this summer it will be a year now

butterfly8

[slowlyhealing]

butterfly8,

I am sorry to hear for your loss, I know it must be very hard. I lost my dad at age 16 almost age 17. It is never easy loosing someone so very close.

My dad is still living and I know its not the same kind of loss, but I never get to talk to him and well he made the decision to cut off everything from our famil. My dad has diabeaties and I know that it won't be long before we get that call from where he is. I miss him very much, and I know that you miss your dad very much from the way you explain your feelings

I know its hard right now but may peace find you even in this dark and sad time. May God bless your family even through the hard times.

Nikki

[slowlyhealing]

Hi everyone,

Well tommorow at approximately 3:55 am it will be a year, maybe I will wake up in the morning and hope this was just a bad dream and that he is really still alive. Wishful thinking! I just pray that I can make it through the day tommorow without breaking down, but somehow I feel it coming on very strongly.I hope everyone is doing okay, well I guess I'll go now.

Keshia,

I don't know how your day went but I hope it went well. I'm in pray for you and your family.

May God comfort your pain, today and for the tomorrows to come.

Nicole

[keshia1]

Thanks slowly healing,

My day was very sad yesterday but I got through it and through this past year, from now on I am going to try to go on with my life and be happy. There will always be those sad times, but I have to remember those times that my daddy always made me laugh and other precious memories. That is what is going to keep our fathers alive in our hearts.

Butterfly 8,

You are so young and I know that your heart is hurting so bad right now, but I'm sure your daddy would never won't you to be upset. I am a parent myself and parents love their children so much and would never won't them to be hurting inside. I'm pretty sure that he is watching over you everyday and he wants you to live your life to the fullest and he will always be proud of you. You are going to have your bad days and good days but you will get through this. We all will. God bless you!

[slowlyhealing]

I'm glad to hear you made it through Keshia. I know that it can be hard especially during an anniversary of that sort. The year after I lost my dad. I thought that maybe it was all a bad dream and things would go back to the way they were before he left and before mom got sick. Well silly me. I was now living in reality.

I have learned through this all though that I must go on. I have so much more to offer others through my trials and my journeys and my stories.

May God bless your family Keshia,

And may God help you through this trying time Butterfly8. I can't promise you that it will be easy, but I can say that if you rely on God and tell him about your hurts and pains and even cry He will hear those and he'll comfort you.

God bless you all

Nikki

[shawnoshea]

Hi! Thank you to whoevercreated this website. My father died July 15, 2004. I was told and knew that it was going to be hard dealing with, but people get thrugh. Well, not only did it hit me hard, it hit me harder than I even realized! I went into a depression SO deep t stopped taking medications I need and ended up in the hospital recently for three weeks with a sever case of pneumonia.

I am just NOW trying to work through my feelings surrounding his death. The problem is, I just don't know what some of the feelings are because I never had them before. That is why I was thrilled to find this site! I have no doubt that I will find I am not alone!

But, right now, I am just at the point of admitting I dealt poorly with it, but am not FULLY ready to discuss the feelings and emotions, (other than with my friend Freddy who lost his mother just two days after my father died---he has been helpful to me in ways he will never realize!)

As his oldest son, it fell to me to give the eulogy. I would like to share with you what I wrote:

EULOGY FOR JOHN JUDE O'SHEA (January 1, 1948 - July 15, 2004)

John Jude O'Shea, my father, taught me many life lessons over the years. Some as simple as how to use a kernel of corn to bait a fish hook to how to be a man by standing behind friends and family --- especially in times of need.

My earliest memory of my dad is from around the age of six or seven; it was late at night and I was awakened by an excruciating earache. He was alone with my brother and I since my mother was at work.

The memory of him sitting on the floor next to my bed as he stroked my hair and put cold compresses on my head is still vividly clear.

He cried harder than I did from fear of not knowing what to do. He apologized over and over for not being able to take my pain away.

Almost thirty years later, I now understand what he taught me night was: although there are times we wish we could do more to help someone, the mere act of being present is comfort enough.

There were times when what he taught was immediately practical; such as when he taught me hot to play chess, how to catch a ball, or how to throw a punch --- the last of which he realized he taught too well when I was eight and broke his nose during some father/son horseplay.

Thanks to my father, I know there are two pints to a quart and four quarts to a gallon, and how to rotate an entire stock of milk --- at 6:30 in the morning!

He taught me many phrases --- “Go with the flow,” “Stick with the program,” “It’s all copasetic,” and everyone’s favorite [index finger wave gesture] which means, “Wrap it up!”

Without realizing it, however, he taught m the phrase, “Too little too late” does not apply to loved ones.

There was a person of two years during which, my being as stubborn as he was, we did not speak.

Then, one day, out of the blue, he called me in California. He asked for my forgiveness for, as he put it, “Being a poor father and role model” when my brother and I were growing up. I told him he did not need my forgiveness, but I would give it to him if he needed it.

He then said he would understand if I wanted no further contact with him. I assured him I did, but mistakenly said, “We can build a friendship from scratch if you like, but I’m afraid we can never be father and son again.”

Although there was sadness in his voice, he agreed.

Several years later, after that friendship had indeed grown, circumstances brought me suddenly and unexpectedly home. So suddenly, in fact, I had nowhere to live.

Within hours, my father had come to my rescue and found me a home with someone I had naively turned my back to. Yes, he gave me shelter that day, but, more importantly, he gave me the opportunity to build a relationship with someone I now cherish.

After he found me a home, he drove me to Washington, D.C. to help tie up a few loose ends

On the drive back I turned to him and said, “Do you remember when I once told you we could only ever be friends, never father and son?”

“Yeah,” he replied with that forced look of stoicness he had.

“Well, I was wrong. You are my father!”

He tried to hide it, but a smile broke through that look. “Thanks,” he said. “Now watch for the exit.” Which was odd since we were 100-miles from Philadelphia.

What makes me most sad today is knowing my father will never know his grandchild. But I promised him that his grandson will know all about him.

His grandson will know the three most important lessons my father taught me were: We are more loved than not; We have more strengths than weaknesses; and, in the end, when we sit down and reflect back upon our lives, there are more good memories than bad.

And although there are many memories I have of him since the first, I will always be grateful that my last memory of my father is of my sitting by his bed, stroking his hair and rubbing his forehead. I cried harder than he did from fear of not knowing what to do. I apologized over and over for not being able to take away his pain.

And then I remembered something my father had taught me as a child --- that my mere presence for him was comfort enough,

[slowlyhealing]

shawnoshea,

This was a powerful Eulogy.

Its hard to truly realize the power of loosing someone. I lossed my father a while back and it took me a good year to come to grips of realizing he was gone. Now I am faced to face the fact that my mom will be gone soon too. She'll be going to a better place. My father is still alive, but he doesn't want anything to do with our family, at least thats what he writes to his twin brother.

I miss him, and in time I know that I'll be able to send a letter, if he doesn't write back I know where his heart lies.

For those to loose a father by death... I don't yet know that feeling. I just pray for comfort for you and your family. May God bless you even on the days where you don't think you can go on. Keep writing. It helps to get the feelings out.

A friend

Nicole

[keshia1]

shawnoshea,

Wow! As slowlyhealing said that was a powerful Eulogy, I sometimes wish that I could have spoke at my daddy's funeral. Your defintely not alone at this website. You will get through this, there will be tough days ahead and long hills to climb, The emptiness will probably always be in our hearts but hopefully we can replace that emptiness one day with those good memories, I haven't quiet got their yet, some days are better than others but I am trying to accept his death. As you know its very hard to do when they have been in our lives all our life and all of a sudden they are taken away, I would say thats pretty hard to cope with. I will quit yapping now but please know that you are not alone and they say it gets easier.

[kagansmommy]

Shawn, that was not only a powerful but also a beautiful Eulogy for your Father. I wasn't with my Dad when he passed away and I didn't get to attend his funeral. But the last word's he heard me say the day before were "I LOVE YOU DADDY" and then I left in the ambulance with my 8 month old son, Kagan. Kagan was in critical care at a children's hospital almost 100 mile's away and I stayed with him instead of going home for the funeral because that is what my Dad would have expected me to do. And I knew that because of the value's and moral's he instilled in me as a child. One of them being that nothing or no one comes before your child. Kagan has since passed away too, Jan. 28, 2005 at 18 months old. He is buried right next to my Dad. Now they are together for eterniny. Neither of them are sick or in pain anymore. Your story about stroking your Dad's hair as he had yours made me cry. I was holding Kagan when they unhooked his ventilator and I stroked his hair telling him he could go to sleep now and go see Papaw in Heaven. I wish I had gotten the chance to do that for my Dad too but it wasn't meant to happen that way for some reason.

Thank you for sharing that wonderful memory of your Dad~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

[slowlyhealing]

Christy (kagensmommy),

It sounds like at the time you got hit with a double wammy as did I. I hope you realize that your story has helped me bunches. No I don't have a child. But I lost my dad the same night I found out my mother had ALS. Not only does it sound like your getting through this... I know it hurts, but your at least able to tell your story, but your getting though it with the comfort and promise that God has a better place for us. A place that when our time comes we will be able to go and be with our families, a place of no more pain of suffering.

May God bless you and hold you in his comforting arms. Time doesn't heal all wounds God does.

I'm still here

Nicole

[biadmin]

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http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

[timothyb]

I lost my Father on the 6th. Actually i'm not exactly sure when, he was operating a tugboat and it capsized on the night of the 5th. There was only one other crew member onboard and he was rescued. The coast guard called off the search in the afternoon of Wednesday. They ran some things about it in the local papers, this is a link to it http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/07/BAG56C47QT1.DTL

I haven't really known what to do since I found out. It's past midnight here which means it's the 8th now...Today was supposed to be his birthday. I don't know what else to write

[slowlyhealing]

timothyb,

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how I would handle that sort of situation. I just wanted you to know that your in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you continue to express your feelings with us. I know it must be so very hard.

Nicole

[jwhitz46]

timothyb, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I too have had a very traumatic expierence with the loss of my father. My father passed away on december 27, 2004 of corinary artiery disease. It was a massive heart attack that took his life. It was the most unexpected thing to happen. My dad jogged 3 miles everyday and ate healthier than any person I know. He took care of himself and made sure he was healthy, unfortinatley he didn't get his cholesteral checked so he had no idea that his arteries were 95% blocked. I'm a senior in high school, only 18 years old, so this happening at such a young age has altered my life completely. I was present when my dad had the heart attack, so it's even harder. I've never imagined having to expierence something traumatic before, and I can't imagine going through what you are now. Life gets harder everyday for me. You probably still expect your dad to come home, as do I. I still find myself saying, I can't wait to tell dad this. I still expect him to be home at 2:00pm everyday when I'm out of school, but he's not. I've never expierenced a loss such as this before, and it has turned my world upside down. I think you seem like a strong person, and right now your confused, as was I. I was in shock for about 3 days after the attack. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't let anyone tell you how your supposed to feel because everyone grieves differently. Stay strong.

*JEN*

[carla76240]

I lost my father sat.april 2,2005,to colon cancer.he fought the diease for three years,he was in the bed very ill for the last 2 months.His wish was to die at home.MY mother , me and a great team of people from hospice were able to see that last wish was able to come true.This is all still fresh to me and im unsure of what im feeling right now.MY dad and I were very close as I was his only daughter,He was still a young man at the age of 61,just really getting ready to enjoy the easy life and spending quality time with his grand children.Cancer is an ugly diease that rips familys apart.Im scared of thinking of the future years without him . I love him so much .Iwas blessed to be holding his hand when he left this world. Nothing was left unsaid.When does the healing begin , does the pain ever go away>

[shawnoshea]

I read these and think I will write a personal note to this one or that one, but I'm not sure what to say to any of you. I know that we all help each other because of similarities, but what can I, who know my father was going to die, say to those of you who had a sudden loss? The only thing I can possibly think of is that, just know you are not alone in your pain. That's why we are all here!

And thank you all who responded to my initial posting!

Shawn

[BIJulie]

Welcome to all of the newcomers, I am so sorry for your losses. I am so glad you have found us here at Beyond Indigo. Sharing your pain, will be so beneficial to you. The road to healing is never easy, but it can be traveled. Please continue to share with us and let us help you make your trip much lighter!

Take Care,

Julie

[gemsab]

Hi everyone! I am new here and lost my Dad almost 2 years ago. I have accepted his death pretty much but my problem is my Mom. She is worse now than when my Dad first died. She is very depressed and will NOT seek help medically or otherwise. I try to help her as much as I can but to no avail. When I tell her maybe she should seek some sort of help, she says I want to do this by myself. I know she can\'t! Should I just respect her wishes or seek help for her. She is a very private person and is not a joiner in somehting like a support group. She is also leary of doctors so I don\'t know where to turn. She is religious but if I suggest that she talk with her priest, she will refuse. She is very stubborn that way and does not realize the power of just talking about how she feels to someone who is objective and trained to help. I am at my wit\'s end. Any advice or suggestions out there? Thanks.........Emily

[slowlyhealing]

Emily,

I am sort of walking in your same shoes. I lost my father about three years ago. My dad didn't die though, but his actions and his decision is like he did. He left our family, the same night we got the call my mom had ALS. I have helped my mom as best as I can, and sometimes I feel so very tired and broken myself. My mom isn't really moarning over the loss of my father. She misses him yes but if he did what he did now... I know she would have surely died.

Its hard to look on as daughter and try to help our parents. I'm only 20. I have known about moms ALS since I was 17 ever since then... It seems as though we switched spots. I miss my dad, I wish he was here, and I wish he didn't have to do what he did.

My mom was so very stubborn at first, somewhat like your mom, but it finally came to the point where she couldn't do it on her own. I have told her many times my feelings.

Maybe if you tell your mom how you feel, umm try to be nice... sometimes with parents that is hard, but... tell her how you feel about your dads death, tell her how it makes you feel to see her hurt, tell her your fears, and your hurts.

It has helped with me, and I pray that its a start for you.

Always a friend

Nikki

[missingdoc]

Hi. I am new. I lost my dearly loved father on March 29 to esophageal cancer. I am the mother of two girls (age 7 and 11) and have a supportive spouse. My father was a marvelous father and I feared his death my entire life. Now I have lost him - he was 72. I am 42. It has just been over two weeks and I marvel that I can function. I "appear" to be coping outwardly, but God forbid if even a tiny problem arises, I just want to sob. A light has gone out in my life. He died in the hospital alone at 11:45 at night and the thought of him being all alone just kills me. I miss him and wonder what life will be like without him if I live another 40+ years. My 7 year old daughter assures me that "heaven is a wonderful place" and that we should be happy because he is well again. How can a 7 year old be that wise? I am rambling.

[slowlyhealing]

missingdoc,

Isn't it amazing how children seem to know exactly what to say, when you truly are hurting? Lately it seems that children have to grow up so soon, because of this cruel world that we live in.

I took on the responsiblities and actions of an adult when I was 16. My father left when I was 17, and my mom found out about her ALS when I was 17. I have pretty much switched places with them. I feel instead of them taking care of me, it is now my turn. I take care of my mom, I have help, but... Never did I think at this age I would loose both my parents.

I know my mom, when she dies... she will be in such a better place than this. I pray that my father... will go there to when his time comes.

A place where no one ever has to suffer, or hurt, a place where my mom can walk again and talk. Heaven... Your daughter is bright beyond her years. When God said have eyes like a child... Well you daughters eyes can see so much clearer than any others out there it seems. "heaven is a wonderful place."

May God bless you and your family, may He hold you all in his arms of comfort and peace and grant you rest.

A loving daughter, and a friend

Nikki

[lauraa]

Dear Emily,

Welcome and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents and my husband last year. Maybe you could get your mom to post here on loss of a partner. That way no-on will know her..hopefully she uses the computer. I know some people read but don't post. Also, maybe if she just goes out for coffee, etc. with family and friends and just talk subtlely. I think that generation is like that....in many ways....I can see similarities like not liking doctors(can't blame them there), and being private...it was different for them in their generation. I have come to understand them and totally respect their point of views...they were right about alot of things! Let us know how things work out.

[lauraa]

Dear Missingdoc,

Sorry for your loss....I understand how you felt all those years with just the thought of loosing your dad...I think that is how much you truely and deeply loved each other. I cried for years with every thought I had of the possibility of loosing my dad. I lost my dad Dec. 03 and my husband was sick at that time and he "passed" 6 months later....I have been grieving so deeply for my husband that am just beginning to be able to grieve for my parents. My mom "passed" 3 weeks after my husband.....Life isn't fair sometimes. But, I had some beautiful times that I will cherish forever. When I think about loosing them I think of my parents and how they survived and coped after loosing so many of their family members...they had us to help them carry on and now we have our children to help us......My kids were the reason I got out of bed everyday......they were my gifts to keep me going.......Remember, the good times and everything in between.....

[gemsab]

Dear Lauraa, OMG, honey I am so sorry for all of your losses. How do you do it? Losing a parent is one thing but losing a spouse is my worst nightmare. And yet here you are trying to help others. Well, God bless you and I hope you soon find some joy in your life! Thanks for the kind words.......Emily {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[kagansmommy]

Emily...welcome~!! I lost my Father 1 year ago and my 18 month old little boy Jan. 28, 2005. This is a great place for support. When you think no one understand's how you are feeling just come here. Everyone here is so kind.

Christy (kagansmommy)

"I LOVE YOU DADDY AND KAGAN"

[gemsab]

{{{{Hugs}}}}}} Kagansmommy! I, too, lost a child......he was my stillborn twin son Kyle. My other son is grown and doing well. That was 24 years ago. I cannot imagine what you are going through losing both a parent and a child in such a short time. My heart goes out to you. Thank-you for your kinds words and I pray that God gives you peace. Emily

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Emily for the hug's. The pain has been unbearable at times. But I have another son, he's 25, and two beautiful grand kid's to keep me going when nothing else will. My son's wife was pregnant with their oldest at the same time I was pregnant with my son Kagan. Kagan became an uncle at 4 month's old. My Dad got to live long enough to see his last grandchild and his first great- grandchild born. I think he hung on that last year because of the babies. Him and Kagan were buddies and they are buried right next to each other. My Mom gave Kagan her plot next to Dad. I was so thankful for that because I know he is watching over Kagan. They are both happy and healthy and Kagan can walk now. Theres no way I could be sad about that. I ma sad for myself because I miss them so badly. My Dad was sick for 20 years and Kagan was born into a body that didn't work. Now I'm sure he's running Grandpa ragged.

My prayer's are with you~!!

Christy

[gemsab]

Christy, My son and Dad are also buried next to each other........isn't that a coincidence? I am hoping my Dad is playing with my son up in heaven right now. I am glad to see you are making it as best as you can. No granchildren for me yet as my daughter just got married in Nov. and my son is in no way ready for that. All we can do is carry on as best as we can and know that they are in a better place where there is no pain or sickness. {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} again......Emily

[june202004]

on june 21 my dad died from a massive heart attack. It was the day after fathers day and was going on a school trip and when i got home my mom was standing at the end of the drive way to see me . I asked her what she was doing home (it was her day to work and she said something had happend. At first I thought my pet died.(alot of my pets have died.)then I guessed it was somthing with my dad, my dad had diabeaties.she shook her head yes and grabed my handand took me over to the garden wall. I sat down and she told me he died . The first thing I thought was she was playing a nasty joke, but she was not . she started to cry and then I knew she was not joking . I am 11 and this summer it will be a year now

butterfly8

[june202004]

dear Butterfly8,

it must have been hard to lose your father at such a young age- i bet all your friends still have their fathers around..i lost my father June 20-fathers day of last year-we were both suprised with bad news around the same time. i am Kat, a female,i'm 20 and i found my fathers dead body-it's almost been a year for me now too

butterfly8

[slkbrit]

I lost my dad 8 weeks ago tomorrow. He was diagnosed with Osophogeal Cancer on December 23rd 2004 and was told he had 6 to 9 months to live. On February 23rd he died. He was just 57. I was most definitly still my Daddy's little girl even though I am 25 and I miss him so very much. I am struggling to grieve. My job is very demanding of my time. I am just now beginning to feel ready to grieve. I need to find some time for myself where I can fall apart. I have spent the past 8 weeks being numb and strong for my Mum. Is there anyone else who is in the same place as me? Its just all so shocking and hard to understand. I was incredibly close with my Dad, yet I still dont feel like we had enough time together. He was taken far too soon.