Loss of a Father

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Missmydad, I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad. He may be unable to tell you personally, but the day you were born is still the best day of his life. I can picture how proud he is of you. I lost my daughter Jennifer, after she was raped and beaten. She was 21. This is different for me, because she was adopted, but she tried so hard to find me, and lost her life before she did. I found her papers and effects in July of this year. October 16 is her birthday, and it's my first knowing she's mine, but not being able to see her. Please try to fight the urge to drink. There are so many things to stay dry for. I was addicted to acid, and I've been clean since 1980. If you need to talk, and this forum is quiet, you may use my email. Grief is a painful thing, but you can get through it, and you will be stronger and a much better person when your heart is healed. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[missmydad]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. It is beyond my comprehension why this would happen. I am at a loss for words to try to comfort you but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know nothing I could say would help the pain you must feel. I truly hope you are doing ok. No parent should have to go through the loss of a child. God bless you!

I also wanted to thank you for your kind words. You really did make me feel better! Tomorrow is my birthday and I am not sure how I will do. I am still having such a difficult time. I am just taking baby steps this week and leaning on God and my family. Thanks again and take good care!

Missmydad, I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad. He may be unable to tell you personally, but the day you were born is still the best day of his life. I can picture how proud he is of you. I lost my daughter Jennifer, after she was raped and beaten. She was 21. This is different for me, because she was adopted, but she tried so hard to find me, and lost her life before she did. I found her papers and effects in July of this year. October 16 is her birthday, and it's my first knowing she's mine, but not being able to see her. Please try to fight the urge to drink. There are so many things to stay dry for. I was addicted to acid, and I've been clean since 1980. If you need to talk, and this forum is quiet, you may use my email. Grief is a painful thing, but you can get through it, and you will be stronger and a much better person when your heart is healed. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISSMYDAD! I hope you have a great day! Spoil yourself rotten, and live it up. You're worth it.

[esnmcclain]

This is the first time I have replied to the forum. I lost my Dad on July 31, 2004 in a car accident. We were very close and it has been a very difficult year and a half. I am having a lot of trouble facing the holidays this year. I thought that last year was impossible, but this year seems even more difficult. I am very mad this year. Everything around med reminds me of him and reminds me that he is gone. My Mom is a very strong woman, but she is still having such a hard time too, as well as my sister and brother. We are a close family, but I still feel like I have to deal with my part of this on my own. I guess it's because we all had a different relationship with him and we all just deal with things differently. Anyway, it's almost time to get out Christmas lights and sort through them. Dad always had them sorted and hung so that they could be lit the night of Thanksgiving. Last year my daughter was crushed because no one put up Papaw's lights. So we promised this year. But, it' s just really painful. I can see him in all that we do. I did so many of these things side by side with him for so many years that it just hurts really bad to do them without him. How do I continue the traditions that my daughter needs to remember her Papaw and at the same time get through the holidays with my mind still intact?

[mollyb2]

I am not sure where i need to start. I am new to this. I lost my father when i was 14 years old. I am just now at 29 dealing with it. I realized that i shut everything and everyone out when he died and eventually just forgot about it. About 2 years ago something triggered his dealth and i was feeling pretty bad. I went to a counselor and got help. Since then I got off of my meds and was doing really good but about a month in a half ago something else trigger and i have felt even worse than i did before. My biggest problem is that i am afraid of dealth and i think i am going to die suddenly like my dad did. I have been back to the counselor and am getting better and have started taking my meds again, but I am still struggling. I want to know if there is anyone out there that has lost a parent at a young age and maybe can relate to what i am going through. I have had some disasociation come up and i hate that feeling. I havent felt it for about a week which is a good thing. I hope there is someone out there that can talk to me. Of course i feel alone because no one that i know has ever gone through this before.

[esnmcclain]

mollyb2,

While I didn't lose my father at a young age as you did I share with you this unfortunate bond of losing my Dad. It has been less than 2 years and this year the holidays are much worse than even last year. However, I just want to let you know that you are not alone. All who have suffered this kind of loss have good days and bad days. I commend you for going to counseling, which is often times a hard step-but a very wise one. Keep up the good work. It's important to have someone to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of. It's wonderful that you recognize what feelings you have and that you have come to this realization that you blocked things out for a long while. I have also found that Hospice organizations, through local hospitals, offer wonderful counseling, information, and suggestions for coping. They will talk with you and they have plenty of printed materials for all ages. You could even take some of the teen targeted info and see if you could apply it to your situation since your scars extend back for so many years. Good Luck-my thoughts and prayers to you!

[mollyb2]

Holiday are very hard when you have lost someone. It will get better. I do not remember the first Christmas after my dad died but my mom said it was horrible. So next few years we decided to go on vacations during Christmas. We went on a cruise and to Hawaii. Then my mother met her new husband and we stopped going. Thats another story. I went through the anger stage at that time. I was so mad at my mom for meeting another man. I remember hating him so much and didnt want to talk to him. But then I started to get to know him and found that he was such a wonderful person and how well he fit with my mother. I love him so much now and realize he is the best thing besides my father for my mom.

Sorry i am rambling on about myself. It is hard trying to do the thing your dad did for the holidays. But i realize now that i am an adult if it is hard your still need to do it and cry if you have to. But you cannot just stop doing everything that you use to do just because he is gone. That is what my family did. My mom shut all those things out and so did i and we never talked about my dad or how i was feeling. And that was the worsed thing to do because now i am having to go through it.

I think that crying is such a good thing. You need to cry and get all of those emotions out. So yes it is going to be hard for a few holidays but it will get better. When you are putting the lights up this year think of your dad with you, because he will be there helping.

[butterfly10954]

Hi MISSMYDAD, I know that this is a long time overdue, but I hope your birthday found you ok....

I wanted to respond to your post, because it really touched me and made me think... I lost my dad July 4th to a sudden heart attack. My birthday is May 18th, so I haven't had one yet since he passed, but I can imagine it will be probably the hardest thing I've yet had to cope with after reading your post. Yes my parents always celebrated my birthday with me, making the hour long trip up here to see me... And I know that will be really tough thinking about how HE used to feel on my birthday...proud, remembering the day I was born, etc. I never thought about a child's birthday after they lost their parent and how difficult that must be... Please know that my thoughts are with you even today, weeks after your birthday, I only wish I had been here for you that day, but I have been away from the computer and this forum for a while...Just life being busy, you know?

I also noticed you mentioned that you wanted to take a drink but were hoping you wouldn't, because it would numb you... I am just wondering, and you don't have to answer, but do you or did you have a drinking problem?? Because in thath case, I am sure that you made the right decision not to drink. But on the other hand, if you only occasionally have a drink now and then to take the edge of a very very difficult situation, I can honestly say, as someone who has had some experience working in the field of substance abuse, that one drink is not going to turn you into an alcoholic. so don't be so hard on yourself, ok?? Be gentle...Love, Cindy

I lost my dad on June 21, 2005 after a 9 month battle with liver disease. I miss him every minute of every day and it is just not getting better. I am writing today because my birthday is October 18th and will be the first without my dad. I am dreading it. I cry every night just knowing that I won't get that card or the call telling me it was the best day of his life when I was born (he always told me that on my birthday, his little gift to me I guess). I am trying so hard not to drink right now. I just want to numb myself but I know it the worst thing I can do. I just pray God give me the grace I need right now. Thank you for this forum. It really helps to be able to talk about this.

[ccbabygirl22]

This week has been so extremely difficult. My father passed on 4/30/05 from a massive and very unexpected heart attack. He was 58 years old and was in the prime of his life. He was preparing to celebrate 33 years with my mother...one day short of that. He was out cutting grass making sure that the house was clean when my mother came home from work... making sure she wouldn't have any worries when she walked through the door. I lost my father and I am only 26 years old. This week at school I had parent-teacher conferences. I have a picture of my father on my wedding day on my desk. One parent asked if that was my husband. I laughed and said that WAS my father. Seeing all these proud fathers speak of their daughters made me miss my father constantly telling me how proud he is of what I was doing. His b-day is December 8th. I am thinking of visiting my grandma on that day. She lost her husband at 36 and her son at 78. How stong of a woman she is...

[mollyb2]

Unexpected dealths are very hard to deal with. You are confused because you dont understand why they have to go so quickly. I have learned in the past weeks that after you get over the shock that dying instantly is the best way to go. No pain, no suffering. It is the people that loved you that will be suffering and be in pain for a while. But as long as you deal with that dealth and go through all of the greiving you will learn to be okay.

We scattered my fathers ashes in the ocean out on his boat and after 15 years i just went back to that spot yesterday. I was exited to go and scared at the same time. I hiked up to the light house my and my family use to go to all the time. It was so beautiful, on the way to the beach it was raining off and on and when we got up to the lighthouse the sun came out. I just stood there and stared out into the sea. I felt a peace and so safe at that moment. I could have stood there forever. I know my dad was there with me. Now I know when ever i want to see him, i can go to that place. That is our place forever. I will be able to take my children there and let them know, that is where your grandfather is.

[ronskins]

Words cannot express the sincere loneliness and emptiness I feel at this moment. I loss my father on Sunday October 30th, 2005 after his living 3 years with Multiple Myeloma. I'm 37 and am the youngest daughter out of 7 children. My father meant the entire world to me and while I know that his suffering has ended and that he is no longer trapped in a diseased body, I will miss him terribly.

I thank God for having the opportunity to be with him over the years during his illness and to help my Stepmom care for him; I also thank God for the opportunity to have been by his bedside to hold his hand during his last hours on this earth. And although intellectually and religiously I can understand and celebrate my dad's passing from this world to the next, I feel sorry for me, for my brothers and sisters, for my Stepmom and for my biological mother who was married to my father for 23 years. I feel sorry for my dad's remaining brother and sister. My father was the ROCK, the patriarch, the advisor, the counselor, the money lender, the jokester, and the best friend.

I wonder with fear how I will move on from here.

[momof3girls]

Sorry for the loss of your father. My father passed away Oct 21. He had a massive heartattach. He never had any heart problems before. It is really hard for my family and I to accept. He was at work, my dad was gone before he got to the hospital. That day was the hardest day of my life. I have 3 girls and the youngest is 6 years old. Just about everyday she cries for her papoo. I can't make her understand why he can't come home. I tell her he is in heaven with god and that he is our guarden angel. She still can't understand and I know it may take a while for her to understand. I wish I could find the right words to say to her. I am hurting for my father,mom,and kids.My mom and him would have been married for 30 years in June, so now she feels she is alone,and I know she has everyright to feel that way. there are four of us, so I tell her she has us I know it is not the same as him, but we still need her. I try to spend as much time as possible with her. I just wish there was more that I could do for her. My father was a wonderful man. He would do anything for anyone. loved gospel music and was learning different songs on the paino, to play for all of us at christmas. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I just wish he could have gotten a second chance. I have been some what strong through this, I believe it is because my faith in god. The more i think about him being gone, I just can't believe it.

[daddydearest]

I lost my father in July of this year in a car accident and I am just so sad, nothing makes sense to me and I wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Seeing death so closely and so unexpectedly has shaken my faith in forever. I miss my dad, he was my strenght! It was because of him that I am who I am today, he gave me the freedom and confidence to follow my dreams. He was my security blanket, who I ran to when things got hard, who always told me things would work out and that he loved me. I had so much unconditional love from him and now I feel abandoned and insecure. I have to face the future alone, I feel sad that my future kids will never know their grandfather and how much he would have taught them. He loved children and was waiting to become a grandfather someday. I miss my dad so much and feel so alone. I just wish I could have just told him how much I respected and loved him and how wonderful he was and that forever he will always be my hero,my inspiration!!!

[mollyb2]

I understand the abandon and alone feeling. I still feel that way after 15 years. That is what i am trying to deal with. Some days are better than others. And right now i am trying not to dwell on what happend the day before if it was bad. I am trying to deal with today and that is it. But my mind likes to think to much. Mainly because i am alone all day working and so i have a lot of time to do that. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think all the time too that my children will never know their grandfather and that sucks. Lucky for me i have a wonderful step father and my children will know him as papa. Its good that you have found this website and we can all talk to each other about or fathers. That is what i need someone that is going through the same things i am. When you think about that it helps the alone feeling.

But from reading it sound like you and your dad had a very close bond and since he left you so fast your heart has been ripped in half. Your heart will be whole again. My counselor had me think about my heart and at first it was broken, but after a while, talking about what happend and going through all the emotions it has healed. Not completely yet but it is getting better.

I think it will always have a bandaid on it, because me and my dad too had a close bond, i dont think my heart can be completely healed. I hope you have family and friends that support you, because that is what you need.

[unicorndreams]

Hi,

Im fairly new here.Just been reading lots of posts .You realise that you are not alone.We all know what the pain and grief feel like.

We are living with it and going through it constantly.

My Dad died on December 20th 2004.I am coming up on the 1 year Anniversary and i still cant believe he is gone.I was there with him as he took his final breath.Mum and i held his hands and told him how much we loved him. He was at home in his own bed where he had wanted to be.He had Mesothelioma.This is a cancer caused by Asbestos. It is a disease that can take years to show up. He had worked installing gas oven doors for only 6 weeks,in 1966.

Thats all it took for him to get the horrible thing.

He was in alot of pain but tried not to show it .Always concerned how we were.

Very brave.The Doctors had given him just a few months when he was diagnosed in Oct 2002. But he showed them and lasted 2 years and 2 months. He was 66 when he passed away.

I think we just went on auotpilot to carry on. I still cry at the slightest thing , even now.Reading his Goodbye letter is very painful .I cant imagine how he must have felt when he was writing them to us. How hard that must have been and how scary.

But we carry on to honour those we have lost. Its what my Dad wanted..Mum and i are each others strength,so that helps alot.

We face each day as best we can.No one can say how long grief will last everyone has a different way of coping and going through it.

[doreen222]

hi my dad died on 30 July 2005 and I am missing him a lot. my mom isn't coping very well nor are my kids. he was the only dad my kids have known basically as their fathers don't have anything to do with them.

[daddydearest]

Hi Doreen 222, Losing a father is very painful, I lost my dad on July 16, 2005 and I know your pain. Cling to your children and mother, they need you and you need them. Reading all the posts on these pages should make you feel just a tad bit better. All of us have a long road to recovery, take one day at a time.

[ccbabygirl22]

I hope that everyone was able to make it through the holidays with some sort of sanity left. This was the first holiday without my father and I just cannot imagine going through another one so soon. I lost my father on 4/30/05. He was 58 years young and passed on from a sudden and massive heart attack. I just pray that I will find the strength from my friends, family and husband to make it through this Christmas. Is it wrong to want to crawl into bed and hide until January 2nd?

[mollyb2]

I cant even remember the first Christmas without my dad. I try and think about it and have no memory of it. After that my mom decided that we would go on vacations for Christmas. For several years we went to Hawaii and Bahamas and then she met my step father and we stopped going on vacations. But it is horrible to go through that first year without your father. It does get better and some day you will be able to talk about all the good memories you had with him through the holidays.

Any death is horrible but when a loved one is taken from you without any sign of illness it is so much more hard to deal with. Your heart is ripped in half. I have had it explained to me like a time line. The line is going along straight and all of a sudden it breaks off and you go somewhere else. Life will never be the same. All you can do is deal with the pain and heal your broken heart. I think your heart will always be damaged but with a bandaid it will be okay.

I am so sorry it is so hard for you right now. I hope our husband is supportive and helps you through it.

[ronskins]

Greetings Mollyb2 and Fellow Grievers:

Today marks 1-month since my Dad's passing. I awoke this morning and lit a candle for him. Although the calendar tells me that it has been a month, my heart and my entire life tells me that my Dad passed just yesterday.

I was reading through everyone's postings and I too agree that it is comforting to learn that I am not alone [although I sure do feel that way sometimes] and that there are invisible angels [all of you] out there in cyperspace who help me and comfort me with their stories and meditations.

A poster asked a question if it was "OK to crawl in bed and stay there until January 2?" This question summarizes how I feel totally. If I could do this financially, I definitely would. My whole body, mind, and soul tells me that I need to step back, reflect and regroup.

Thanks to everyone out there and to BeyondIndigo for providing me with a forum to reach out and touch and be touched.

Be Well My Friends!

[daddydearest]

Mollyb2,Ronskins, December 16th will be five months since my dad's fatal accident but it feels like it just happened. Its a strange feeling, sometimes I feel like each day is endless and these five months really feel like a year, but if I think about it, it seems like it just happened, I just got the phone call informing me of dad's accident. This holiday season is very hard. I echo the sentiment about crawling into bed and staying put till January 2nd. I am trying to be positive and some days are better than the others. You just have to take it one day at a time, you will have some good days and some bad days. Cling to your loved ones for support.

[hilly52]

It will soon be the 2nd anny of my dad's passing.

I am somewhat sad and nervous about tha day approaching. Sometimes I do so well and my life is filled with many days of much joy and happiness. Then comes those blue days , days when I miss my dad so much it hurts. The days that the world doesn't make much sense , nor the life i am leading.

I am sad that my dad is not able to see his greatgrandkids get older, but glad he did have a few years with them. I hope for all, the future brings much joy and good health and may our loved ones find peace.

[ccbabygirl22]

My father would have celebrated his 59th birthday this Thursday. This is the first birthday not buying a sappy card for him letting him know how much I love and care for him. I am also finding it difficult to know that this Christmas he will not be with us either. It is very ironic that last year for Christmas, my mother and father gave my husband and I a digital camera. They said that since my husband had just been given the clean bill of health and was now cancer-free we could use the camera to take pictures of the start of our new lives. Who would have guessed my father would be gone 5 months after that?

[angelwings56]

Dear Ccbabygirl22,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Birthdays and Hollidays are so hard. Stay close to your family and be there for your mom. It helps when you have each other to lean on. My dad died suddenly on December 23,2000. My mom had just come home from the hospital the day before and he was cooking breakfast and telling her how glad he was that she was home and what a wonderful Christmas it was going to be. 5 minutes latter he had a heart attack. That Christmas is a fog in my mind. Take care of your mom. She is going to need you. God Bless.

[ccbabygirl22]

Angelwings56, thanks for the supportive words. It's amazing what people around you expect of you at this time. At 26, my friends expect me to be back to my normal self. They expect me to be excited around this time of the year and can't understand why I just don't want to do the normal things I use to do. Lossing your father makes the world a difficult place to understand. The relationship between a father and daughter is one that cannot be explained and is never fully understood until its taken away. None of my friends that have their fathers understand what I am going through. I was daddy's little girl. Now I am a fatherless child. I feel like a child right now. I just want to walk around and say that everything sucks, throw a tantrum, climb into bed, a hide from the world. I don't want to feel this hurt anymore. I know my father would want me to be happy but how can I when he was the one who made anything seem possible. My husband never understood my relationship with my father, but my father had a way of giving advice and love when it was needed and make the whole world seem okay again. Ohhhh, sorry about the rambling. It's just easy to get carried away with your feelings when you are in a place where everyone here knows the pain of your loss.

[mollyb2]

ccbabygirl22, You are exactaly right. I was very close with my dad. I am wired the same as him. I have his temper, lack of pacients, depression and anxiety. And even though he has been gone for almost 15 years, it is still hard. I too feel like a little girl. Mine is a little different than yours because i was a little girl when he died and that little girl is still trying to deal with his death. But yes, there have been numerous times where i have lashed out and after the fact realized that was not me it was the little girl. It is good that you have your husband to help you through this. His support will be very good for you.

[ccbabygirl22]

Mollyb2, thanks for the understanding. It's so funny how this world of ours works. I was driving home when the song "Butterfly Kisses" came on. I began to cry hystarically because this is the dance that my father and I danced to at my wedding. We are convinced that my father waited to leave this Earth when he was reassured that his children would be taken care of. Both my brother and I were both recently married, each buying our first houses. Two months after my father passed on, my brother and his wife received their first child through adoption and I received an unbelievable job offer. It was his way of saying, "Even though my physical being is not with you on Earth, my spiritual soul is here still taking care of you." I just wish his physical being could give one last hug since he had to leave so quickly and suddenly. I guess we all wish that.

[mollyb2]

What i would do if i were you is picture in my head my dad and give him a big hug. You might just see that he hugs you back and tells you everything will be alright.

I am not to that point yet. I still see my dad died and he is still warm. My counselor tells me that the 14 year old in me is in denial mow. Since a week has gone by and she has not moved from his side. He would be cold by this point. And if that is want she wants that i cannot force her to do anything else. When she is ready to face that he is dead then we will do that.

But try to sit there and relax, close your eyes if you want to and watch in your mind you and your dad hugging and i know he will tell you everything will be okay.

[daddydearest]

Hi Mollyb2 and ccbabygirl22, Its a cold cloudy day today and I just feel sad. Last night I could not sleep, I lay tossing and turning in bed for hours, my mind would not shut off, I kept thinking about my dad and then again trying not to think about dad and that he was really gone. I did try to imagine giving dad a big hug and I can imagine him telling me not to worry and that every thing will be fine. Its just so gut wrenching and overwhelmingly sad at times. I seem to be doing better and actually laughing and talking and suddenly I think of dad and I am back to this state. I know the feeling where people think you should just get over it. Its been 4 months 22 days since dad's accident and I think most of the people around me are ready for me to move on too. Most of our friends are young also and have never experienced the loss of a parent and they just cannot relate to this feeling or even how to help me cope with my loss. To make a bad situation worse, I am in a new state adjusting to new places, meeting new people and looking for a job. I can hardly tell people I just meet about what happened to my dad and what I am going thru. This website and msg board is great. I feel like I meet people who are going thru the same grief and just trying to get thru another day.

[bibi2711]

to Daddydearest...what you are feeling is completely normal. I don't know how old your father was when he passed but mine was 49, he passed when I was 26. Regardless of age, it is always hard. I have heard some very dumb comments from people who have never lost anything in their lives and I have learned to brush it off since I cannot expect everyone to know how it feels and people sometimes do not know what to say. It has almost been 3 years and if it helps you at all, the feelings that you are having now will get better, you will never stop missing him or stop loving him obviously but know that the feelings you have now are not permanent. I can remember the days when I used to cry daily and somehow I got out of it. I moped for a very long time and did not want to do anything with my life but eventually I started to have a semi- normal life again. I still want to call him and have him give me a hug and need his advice and that will never stop. I get depressed every once in a while but I know that he would not want me to be sad as your father would not want you to be this way forever either. I don't think there is a set time as far as how long you grieve for but take your time, if you don't take your time now, I think it will come back later, time will make you stronger and will help you deal with what happened, the sadness never fully goes away but I think what happens is we all get used to it. Sometimes going on walks or drives may help you or joining a gym, it will keep your mind busy but not to the point where you are numb, I also tried zoloft and I only took it for maybe a month, I hated the side effects. I felt like a zoombie. For me, I think the gym is what saved me. I know it saved my mother. My brother and sister all think about him and talk about him all the time. I laugh when I think of silly things he used to do or get happy when I think of what a great person he was and how lucky I am to have known him as a person and even luckier to have him as my father. Remembering the great times we had together gave me strength. It may do the same for you when you think of your times with your father. Know that you will not feel like this forever. You will get stronger.

[daddydearest]

Hi Bibi2711, I just spent another sleepless night, it seems the pain is at its worst at night and even if I try to block it out of my mind I cannot sleep. I spent all night reading a book, it was a happy fun book!! I watched the sunrise this morning and just wonder what happens after death? Where do we go from here and how on earth do things get back to normal. Is dad looking down on me?? I was a month shy of my 28th birthday when my dad met with his fatal accident. I find it hard to let people's insensitive comments pass without reaction- it really hurts!! Infact I have re-evaluated friendships based on their actions following my dad's accident. Some stepped up to the plate more than I ever expected and some who I really counted on did not show as much compassion or understanding. Kind of makes you realize who your true friends are. I am trying to stay off medicating myself. I have started working out and hopefully that will help me and tire me out enough so I can sleep at night. I dont think I am at the stage where I can talk about my dad without crying, just thinking of him and how much i would love to have one last conversation, absorb all his wisdom and ask him where do I go from here??? Books seem to be my salvation these days, I read happy books, love stories, books that restore faith in life and I even got books on death and loss of a parent but they seem inadequate. I think right now talking to people on this website and reading is easier for me that talking in person to people about it. Just too hard and I really dont know what to say. Words feel so empty,and more than that I dont want people's pity. I want people to understand my pain not feel sorry for me. Talking to my brother and sister helps but we all try to console each other more than we talk about it. Also we try to stay really strong and positive for mom, so its like each one of us is tiptoeing around stories of dad afraid it will upset her or make her cry.

[myfathermyhero]

Im 20 years old and four days ago on thrusday December 15th, I came home from work to find my father dead in his bed. Everytime I close my eyes, all I can see is the lifeless image of my father. My father was a strong and caring man, and to have this image override all of the other amazing characteristics he possessed while alive is killing me. I know its only been a few days since I lost my father, but I just need it to be over with soon, I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I am going to be attending his service today, and Im not sure how I am going to be able to be strong enough to go through with it. I'm so glad that I found this board, I have amazing friends but I feel that they don't really understand what Im going through, even though they are trying so hard to be there for me. My mother and my two sisters seem to be dealing with it much differently than I am, and Im just glad that I have found some whrere that I can talk to people annonymously, about things we all have in common. I love my father more than anything, and Im not sure how I am going to be able to cope with this devastating and untimely departure from my life. Any kind and motivational words are welcomed & appreciated.

[mollyb2]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Everyone deals with death in different ways. Of course you cant get that image out of your head. Its your dad and he is dead. You are very vulnerable right now and anything probably makes you think of that.

Losing a parent and with no warning is so hard to deal with. It is very good that you have friends and family that are supporting you. And yes your friends do not know what you are going through so it may be hard for them to help you. You feel alone like your the only one in the world that feels this way. But you are not the only one. There are people out there like me and all of the other people here that have gone through what you are going through right now.

My father died suddenly without warning and after 15 years i am still dealing with it. That is because i didnt deal with it before. The biggest advise i could give you is to make sure and cry. Cry until your cant anymore. Dont hold anything back. Go through the grieving. At this point you might not believe he is gone. You will realize at some point that he is though. If you get mad get mad, all of what you are going through is normal. You are young but are old enough to understand. We all here have gone through it or are right now.

Please make sure and write back. You can write anything you want here. We will all understand.

[myfathermyhero]

Mollyb2,

Thank you for your kind words and your insight into this terrible situation. I went to the Memorial service today, and I basically had my self on auto pilot. I walked around and thanked everyone for being there, and thanked them for their support, I knew I had to hold it together at that point, for my mother and my sisters. I know that my healing time is not going to begin until I can finally accept the fact that my father is gone forever. Something that I have started to do, is write letters to my father that I seal & put in a box. I want to feel that i can still let him know the things that are going on in my life, and the things that are bothering me. I know that he can't communicate back, but just knowing that I am still sharing parts of my life with my father make me feel like I am still connected to him some how.

Thank you for your support. I will definately be making regular stops to this board, because I not only need help getting through this, I would also love to be able to help others in the same situation.

[sarah117]

I can completely understand what you're going through right now. I'm 22 and I lost my father this past May. Those first few weeks are the hardest that's for sure. The thought that helped me through it was I don't have a choice, I have to survive and get through this and when I do things won't be so hard. I also believe that after death a person can still see what goes on here on Earth.

[mollyb2]

I agree with you there. I know that my dad is watching everything i do. That took me a while to realize though. I have a special place i can go to see him too. My dad was a fisherman and we scadered his ashes in the ocean. There is a light house where he used to keep his boat where i went not to long ago. You can see everything from there. And i know he was there with me. I never felt that feeling in my whole life. It is hard to explain and i use to think it wasnt possible. When people would say they felt a spirit, but it is true. Up there at that light house looking at the ocean i felt at peace and safe. When before i felt alone and so scared. I knew he was there.

I only live about 1 1/2 away from there so i can go there when ever i want to feel close to him. We have a plaque at the cemetery but its not the same. I know he is not there. He is at the ocean.

[jw1rn1]

I just lost my Dad 6-18-05 he would have been 60 7-5-05. Iwork 3rd. shift and I got a call from my husband at 0500 to say my Mom called screaming and my Dad won't wake up. I called my Mom she was screaming and just said he is so cold he's so blue come quick make him wake up.He was never sick? I am a nurse so I knew at once what this ment.Instantly shock set it what will I do. My Mom is disabled, my brother died suddenly also 12-19-91 at the age of 22. This will all rest on me. It has pretty much been a blur since. To top it off My husband lost his company and we were also loosing our house. Not working was not an option. I have had God's hands lifting me up since. We moved 2 weeks after my Dad died, into a house in a great neighborhood in my name. My husband started a new job he loves and is finally paying him. My Mom had to put her house up for sale as my Dad did not turn 60 and even though he worked for the Railroad since he was 18 they state he was not eligible for retirement until 60. Needless to say my Mom is hanging on by strings and will not move in with us. I am able to go over twice a week and do all the shopping, cleaning, and taking her too doctors. She is able to cook for herself and care for basic needs, but is horribly depressed and won't drive. This past holiday was really difficult. Just trying to make it through. I have alot of weight on my shoulders. Now everytime my son gets tired he crys for my Dad they were very close. I am still working full time, there's not been much time for me to heal. Sorry this is so long, it's nice too know I'm not alone I didn't think at 34 I would have to do all this. I don't want to lose my Mom every morning I call her and hold my breath till she answers. Any suggestions?

[myfathermyhero]

I just lost my father three and a half weeks ago, so I definately know what you are going through. Im 20 years old, and I have two sisters one is 25 and the other is 18. My father was 49 when he passed away, and like your father, it was very sudden and unexpected. My mother is alo having alot of trouble getting my fathers pension from his job, because you're not eligible for it until you have worked 25 years and my father would have been there 25 years in April. It never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate and heartless some people can be at times like these. I also had to go back to work way sooner than I had wanted to, due to the fact that my pay check is now going to be helping to pay bills. I don't think the magnitude of the situation has really hit me yet, but I just take it day by day. Thats all you can really as of yourself. When I start to think too far into the fucture and imagine the rest of my life with out him, I get too overwhelmed. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope your mother starts to feel a little better.

[mollyb2]

Sudden deaths are the hardest to get through. Its like your walking down the road one day and all of a sudden there is a big cliff and you fall off. You didnt get any warning. I only remember bits and pieces of when my dad died but i remember my mother, how scared she was, not knowing what she was going to do. She had three young daughters to take care of. She was a stay at home mother for 18 years. I was too young to know what are finances were but I know your mothers can get Social Security. I know that is not much but it does help alittle.

My father was 49 years old too. I know several people who have died at that age. What is with that age. I know people die everyday and that is a part of life but when you dont have any warning you cannot be prepaired. My heart goes out to you guys and it is such a hard thing to go through. 15 years later and it is still hard for me. I put everyone that has lost a parent or partner in a special place in my heart. I wish i could help all of you and make things better so you do not have to go through what i went through.

Things will get better. It will never be the same but it will get better and you will learn how to live a happy life without your fathers.

[acheinmyheart]

I just recently lost my Dad on January 1.He was 81 and diagnosed with Parkinsons'disease with Lewey bodies about 5 or 6 years ago. Like the elephant in the room that everyone sees but chooses to ignore my family and I did the same.

My Mom took excellent care of him made sure he saw every doctor and had every test done and took every medication that could possibly give him some comfort and a better quality of life. I miss him terribly there is an ache in my heart so strong it sometimes takes my breath away.At times I feel that this is so unreal as if I'm watching me as if I'm someone else going thru the pain. If that makes any sense???

I thought I would be feeling better because my Dad would always tell me that when he died he would always be with me all I would have to do is call his name.Yesterday I was walking and I found a cross with a crucifix on it and I felt as if that was my Dad's sign to me letting me know he heard me.It made me feel better for a short time until this afternoon the pain set in all over again.

I feel like a small child again and I'm embarassed and also angry with myself.

[myfathermyhero]

I completely understand what you are going through. I have to remind myself at least ten times a day that this is really happening to me. Sometimes I walk into my house and expect my dad to be sitting there, and I have to remind myself that, that is no longer my life, that things have managed to change so much in such a short amount of time. I write my father letters every night before I go to sleep and then keep them in a box. I've always been a big believer in the spiritual world, and have read alot of books by John Edwards and Sylvia Brown, I find that the information I read in those books set me at ease now. Our fathers are all in a better place right now, they are where they are supposed to be at this time. I just keep telling myself that this is what was supposed to happen in my life, and that this was something I was suposed to have to deal with. God never gives you more than you can handle, so we're all strong enough to get through this. You're all in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, because we all know that is what our fathers would like to see right now.

[lumpyboy181]

ok well im danny a boy im 13 and i lost my dad in 2005 so if u want to contact me just im me on lumpyboy181 and say ur from here byee

[mollyb2]

lumpyboy181,

I am so sorry about your dad. How are you doing. It is so brave of you to come to this site and get help. Just know that people care about you very much. Make sure you let your family know when you are sad.

[myfathermyhero]

Today has been a pretty bad day for me, I felt like all I really wanted to do was climb into bed, and never come out. I've been back at work for two and a half weeks now, and I just can't get myself back into my old routine. I feel like people around me either smother me with questions about my dads death and how I'm dealing with it, or other people just ignore me completely. I just want my old life back. The yearning I have to be able to have just one more conversation or hug with my father just increases as the days go by. My father and I had very similar personalities & senses of humor so anytime I saw or heard something funny he would be the first person I told, and now I feel empty and completely lost. I think the magnitude of the situation is really starting to hit me, and I'm not prepared for it. I know my dad knew that I loved him, and that I thought the world of him, but I just want to be able to tell him one more time, I want to be able to tell him what an impact he has had on my life, and that I woudn't be who I am today with out him. I just want my dad back, theres still so many things I need him for in life. I need him to be there to give me away when I get married and I need him to be there to meet his grandchildren. I need his support and his presence.

[Guest Guest]

Hi All....

I just read several other posts and its helping me cope. My Daddy is gone too. He was killed in a car accident on New Years Eve 2005, his brother was driving, he was only 52, he is survied by my Mom, and Me his only child. I have a 3 year old who adored her Papa, and doesn't understand. We had a full house before this tragedy, My Parents, My Uncle and his 12 year old son, Me and my little one. Things get turned upside down so fast you can't even think straight. Now its only My Mom, Me and my Daughter....left to deal with it all. My Uncle is now in Jail and facing Charges of this accident, and my 12yr old cuz, we put him on to a plane to live with is Sister for awhile. The feelings we all have are so unbareable. I'm at the young age of 25, but what great memories I have of my Father, and I'm so thankful for the years I did have with him, how lucky we all our to have our Fathers in our lives. I'm back to work and keeping busy does help a bit. My mom is so fragil, night-time is the wrost, I'm sure it is for most of us, I try to sleep and rest only to think

of him, and how much I miss him and I too yern for one last hug and that feeling when you Daddy makes everything seem okay. I do have hope for the future, knowing that someday I will be with him again. And knowing that I must go on and be all I can be, something great, that's what he would have wanted. I know all our Daddy's would want the best for us all. God Bless You All, we shall all overcome and go on!

[mamabets]

For Lumpyboy181- My Dad passed away in May of 2004, then my Danny passed in June of 2004.. Danny called his grandpa Big Bill!! My Dad was 78, my Danny was 25. I hope that I can help you by telling you that they are in this new place called here, there and everywhere, watching out for us always. You can write to me any time- My e-mail is huntross4@aol.com and I will write back. xoxomamabets

[56fowl]

It's been awhile since I was here, Dad passed qway on 11-4-04 and it still doesn't seem real. The pain is less every day but you never get used to it.

As a kid dad started us on musical instruments, there were 6 of us kids and I think he wanted to keep us all busy. I started on trumpet

To make a long story short I played through a private school schoolarship and afterwards put it away.

For some reason when dad died I started playing again, I got in shape for one reason .On the first anniversary of his death I went over to the family home and at 7:17 am, the exact time my dad died I played taps.Mom was in tears and I don't know how I got through it but I did.

He was a Marine and it seemed like I needed to do it.

I posted here before another interesting thing that seems to be going on, the dime thing.

A week before Dad died of cancer we were taking a slow labored walk when he suddenly stopped and pointed to the ground, I looked but didn't see anything. He insisted so I got down and looked closer, it was a dime, all dirty and half buried. I picked it up and handed to him.

A while after he died mom gave that dime to me and since that day I find dimes everywhere, I don't remember ever finding any dimes before but I find them everywhere in the most unusual places. Very odd, I think I have found 17 of them.

Anyway hang in there all of you, it gets alittle easier all the time but it always hurts.

[mamabets]

For 56fowl- In the book, Hello From Heaven, it says how finding coins is a direct connection to your loved ones on the other side- I, personally, have had experiences with them, as have many loved ones in my life. Perhaps you can get the book and you will see and hopefully feel that your father is with you still... Even closer than you think... God Bless You. xoxomamabets

[Guest Guest]

Hi. I just came accross this site and am very happy that I have. It has been really helpful. I lost my daddy 2.5 years ago and have not been the same since. He went in for a minor surgery and unfortunalty the doctor\\\'s made a terrible mistake. He was on life support for four months until the family was faced with the difficult decision of having to take him off. It was the hardest thing I have ever been faced with and the feelings of guilt, by playing god with someone else's life, especially my daddy, is unbearable. I have never missed anyone so much or ever been in such pain. As I understand that all people go, but his way was not natural and I am haunted day by day of what I had to see him go through for so long. It went from dinner one night to taking him to the hospital for his surgery in the morning to literally never being able to talk to him again. He came out of the surgery a parapelligic, could not talk due to his respirator and he only had the brain of a two year old. To see him like that after him being the strongest, most wonderful man I have ever known, was heartbreaking. I just like to hope and think that in his time in the hospital that he did not really understand what happened to him, that he was there day to day not knowing. It has been 2.5 years of me not sleeping, countless nightmares that when I do sleep I wake up screaming every hour. I walk around in a state of depression and sadness and just look everywhere to find a sign that he might watching me and just to know that he is ok. I wonder, does it get any easier? My family doesnot talk to me about this. They do not understand that after 2.5 years how I could be so sad still. I am the baby of the family and me and my daddy had something that none of them had and they just don't see that. When I do tallk to my mom, she gets so mad at me that it is not even worth bringing up again. I am not even in the same city as the family anymore as I just cannot bear it. I am so sad and in so much pain over missing him that sometimes I have terrible thoughts of doing drastic things. It has become so overwhelming that I cannot live and do the day to day things I need to do anymore. Thanks for letting me share on this site, It feels good to know that there are so many people out there just like me and it feels good to tlk about it and not be judged. THANK YOU ALL!!

[Guest Guest]

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow that I lost my Dad, and just got back to my supposed "routine" of work. Cancer sucks. Lung Cancer really sucks. I know I should feel really lucky I got to spend as much time with him as I did and was there for his last breaths, got to tell him how much I loved him, but it is not enough. And then pitifully I start feeling sorry for myself, and I know that I am lucky to have what I have, so then I get mad at myself for that. I'm a mess.

Staying busy helps, but then there are always lulls. And then I don't want to upset my mom, wife or anyone else that loved him as much as me bringing up his death and crying. Especially this cry I am doing now, like a wailing banshee or a bag of cats or something, just embarrassing any time I bring him up. Are there any good books, or exercises or something structured with the exception of getting professional help that I can do?

Just sad I guess and I know it is normal, but I have been off of work for over a month, and things need to get back to normal, at least a little bit...an suggestions would help.