Loss of a Father

[stephysteph13]

Rachel,

My mom had the same thing. cancer is a bi***! i thought my mom would get through it too, but it sucks without her so bad! i understand you 100%. my mom went through chemo for almost 4 yrs on and off. seeing her suffer had to be the worse. if u have aim or msn i would love to talk to you! we can help eachother through this if you want to. i hanvet been the same since the day she left this world, and i dont think i can EVER be the same. How as your day today? mine was eh not great not horrible!

steph

[user=24559]rachel2406[/user] wrote:

Thanks, Steph.  I'm sorry that you're also having a difficult Thanksgiving.  You're right...cancer is nasty.  My Dad suffered for 2 years with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, which is supposed to be relatively treatable/cureable.  I mean, when he was diagnosed, it was scary but we all thought he'd get through it.  Then his cell counts were always down and they were always having to put off doing chemo because he was too sick for it...he'd always tell them, just do it and his doctors would be like, I've never heard a patient ask for Chemo.  Eventually it was just too much for him I guess.  What about your Mom?  You hang in there too.  Thanks again.

 

Rachel

[justnicki]

Buried my dad in October 2008 ... now his currently living siblings are dying of cancer.  I have an uncle that's currently been pulled off all medication except pain meds.

Feels like it's never going to end.  How do I get through it all?

[4froggies]

One day at a time, unfortunately that's the only answer.  Sometimes life lays it on so thick you think you just can't stand it anymore...I am sorry that you are going through such an awful time with the loss of your dad and the others ill in your family. You are in my thoughts.

[greentea]

I don't know if here's the right place but I really want to write out my view of my fathers death in words.

I was 2 days until 9, my older sister 13 and my younger barely 7 in october 2002. My dad was unemployed at the time but was almost certian to be about to get a really great job and he was working with a friend on saturdays until it was final. On thst saturday my sister and I were playing something in our living room when he rushed out saying only "See you later kids" not even looking back. He'd be back home by 11 at the latest right? I've wondered so many times what I would have done that moment if I had known it was the last I'd ever see him. It was just a plain old saturday to me. That night in the top bunk of my bed I just couldn't fall asleep,  I was listening to my mom cough from the next room thinking about what would happen to my family if my mom died. Just silly little eight year old fears. I remeber thinking I would fall asleep just as soon as daddy got home. I must have eventually fallen asleep becuase soon I woke to some noise, I can't remember if it was our dogs borking or my older sister crying. I got out of bed and went downstairs. I saw the red and blue of the police lights on the wall and heard my mom say something about my grandparents, I thought  stupidly that maybe one of my granparents dogs had died. When I came down the stairs my mom was holding my big sister and there were to big cops standing right there in my living room where my sister and I had played that morning. The police were talking but I wasn't listening. I asked My sister "whats going on?" she told me wait a minuet and then she wispered to me "dad's dead." and then burst into tears. It took me a good few seconds to grasp what she'd just told me and then it cuaght and I started to cry too . By then my little sister had come down and molly told her too. Some time wnet by I have no idea how much and my grandparents arrived and the cops left. I asked why the cops staed so long and someone told me it was to make sure no one went crazy and hurt themselves. I thought that was a really wierd thing for them to do. Some more time passed and my mom called my dads sister and mother. My grandma made us cocoa but no one drank any. Eventually we ended up all in my moms bed and she read us the happiest looking story we could find on our book shelf even though by then it was 4:21 am. That was th exact time I remember seeing before I finally went to sleep.

When I woke up and went down to the kitchen the house was full of people many of whom I didn't recognize. Everyone was crying and I think all the adults crying scared me more than anyhting at that point. There were lots of friut baskets and deli platters and I wanted it all to go away. My big sister spent the first few days locked in her room crying almost non-stop. I would do the same if it had happened now.  I called my best friend as soon as I could and told her to come over right away. It was really really good to have her there with me, she was close with my dad too and I don't think I would have been so strong wihtout her. We watched Clockstoppers. I met an aunt WHo lives far away I'd never met before and she was great, she drove up in her silver convertible and siad hi I'm your Aunt Donna, and she made us survive it.

There was a funeral in our town where most of our friends and family came to pay respects but he wasn't buried yet. There were lots of speeches and pictures and slide shows. It was sitting in the front row seeing my dad everywhere and him being all around me and so not there at the same time that made me relize he never would be there again. I cried hard at that service though I tried not to, everyone was watching me. I just turned and sobbed onto my best friends shoulder and she hugged me and didn't let go until the service ended. Everyone of course came back to our house when it was over and though we were all there becuase our life had recently been dismantled we did have some fun that day. My mom ran a youth group at the time and all the kids were there and the big kids orginized games. I remember sitting in my big sisters room with my two closest friends and listeing to te then new avril lavign album Complicated. Listening to it over and over.

The real funeral was in the town my dad grew up and where his mom and sister stil lived. There were lots of people there m dad grew up with that I didn't know and didn;t really like. They all would come up to me and say thier soory for your loss line and act like they'd known me forever. It was a christian service and my family has always been entirely athiest so I didn't understand that either. All these services and speeches and Preists and people seemed so pointless to me. The wake afterwards was horrible. Everyojne as drunk and they siad mean things to my mother about how it was her fault and other things like that. We went to a hotel with my aunt and jumped on the bed to get away from them.after we got home more weeks pased with visitors and baskets and cards and casseroles and crying and  all of those things that are fine but never all together and never in that context.  It was a hard year and we did almost no school, but we had lots of support and we held it together. I never cried mcuh after that first service unless I tried to intentionally think of all the adventures we'd never have and evrything that would never happen for me or him, tried to make myslef think the saddest things becuase I wanted to cry. I thought I could cry out all my confusion and sadness. It wasn't for a good few years that it really set in cold that I did not and never would agian have a dad. It always hurst the most when I see other girls with thier dads and remeber. I get jealous of hem so quickly when I should be glad I had the time with him that I had.

I can't remeber everything about him anymore.  He sometimes seems more like a paper doll of memory that is there but with no demension and no reality. I can imagine him the way I want but in my head the memories are getting to be too old to be any proof of his existence. If I dont think too hard I could believe I made him up and that has brought tears more than once.Ican't remeber his talking voice, or his favorite band or even how old he was, But I remember his luagh and his sense or humor and the places he took me an things he taught me and that he loved me and my sisters more than anything, and wherever his, if he is, I know that if he still can he loves us still.

 If he does,I hope he knows I love hime still too.

 

 

Sorry about that being very long but Ie never written it all out like that before and it just feels like someone should know.

[justnicki]

Thanks Froggie... my uncle died the next day after I posted that.  Last weekend (Jan 10th) was a hard one. 

Jan 10th was my dad's birthday

My uncle was buried Jan 12th

[4froggies]

I am so sorry to hear that. I know it has to be hard. I wish I had words that would make it hurt less, but the truth is, your pain is something you need to learn to work through on your own, which is the hardest part of this whole process.  It's been over a year and a half since my dad passed, some days are super hard, other days I am able to cope ok...it's luck of the draw.

My thoughts are with you and your family

[Kelly]

[align=center]SAVE THE DATE!![/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] We are excited to meet you!! Come join us at the Beyond Indigo Reunion!![/align]  When: August 14^th through the 16^th,   2009. We suggest you arrive the night of the 13^th.

Where: Minneapolis, MN

For Who?: All Beyond Indigo members and people healing from grief and dying journeys. This means YOU! If you know someone who is not a member invite them along!

 We will be having speakers, social networking, opportunities to remember our loved ones and just a plain good time.

 More details (schedule, pictures of the location etc) will follow in the next 7 to 14 days.

 We need at least 25 people to make this event possible. We hope to see as many of you who can make it!!!

 Have questions? Please post in the Beyond Indigo Reunion Forum at  http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_forum.php?id=83

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[solemate]

Hello everyone on the boards - today 25th March is the 2nd anniversary deaths of my dear Mum and Dad.  I have still a long way to go to accept their deaths but there are days where I feel OK.  Today I thought I would cope well however several hrs into the day, I became teary, snappy towards others and just numb.  I was hoping that given the distance of time, my only sister would return my contacts. Unfortunately this has not occurred.  I still find it very difficult to turn off from the bad memories of the day and see the precious memories that they have left me.  My dearest Mum was my soul mate and best friend.  I had always been very close to her and saw her and Dad almost daily. What was to be a happy romantic day for my husband and I turned into a nightmare from the moment the policemen arrived on my doorstep.  Looking back on the day, the policemen were very professional and let me adjust to my Dad's death (died at the scene) and slowly prepared me for the circ**stances of my Mum. Turning off her life support system several hours later was the worst moment of my life.  I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do, but the guilt never leaves me that I wanted so much for her to live and not go on to be with Dad. Loosing both hours apart on the same day takes its toll on everyone directly connected.  My thoughts today roam from being totally sad to a very small smile when I think of them both.  People tell me it will get better, and I know that with more time I will learn to adjust and learn to laugh again.  To all of my friends on the boards I wish you well and thank you so much for supporting me throughout my postings.  I am so glad to have found this site as it has been a savour when I just want to ramble on and on.   I have cut some flowers from my garden from the plants that belonged to my Mum.  I look at them and know that she (and Dad) are with me.  Recently I was thinking about my Dad and how he used to have Lotto draws each week.  I had an overwhelming feeling of him and immediately went to the Agency to buy a ticket.  The ticket given to me didnt feel right so I asked for another one.  To my surprise I won a prize.  I felt that he had a hand in me winning such a prize against  millions of odds. My Dad always thought he would win lotto, I wish I could tell him that I got a prize. I guess my prize is not the money but the love that my Dad had for me and the connection that we had on that day.   When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  My dear Mum and Dad you are a treasured memory.  Thank you both for being my parents, I love and miss you both dearly.

Take care everyone and try to live your lives by being kind to yourself and let the journey take you to your own special place(s)

Unfortunately I am unable to attend the reunion this year but will save up to go next time.   Gayle

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947

[Kelly]

Hi all,

We are getting down to five weeks to find out if we can hold the reunion or not. Could you please let us know if you will be attending and register online? We need 25 people total. This is an amazing opportunity to make something special happen. Just click the big banner at the top that says REUNION and follow the steps.

Love to hear from you.

Kelly

[solemate]

Today is ANZAC day in Australia and I just wanted to say that I miss my Dad very much.  He usually marched and went to the ANZAC day dawn ceremony.  I went for Dad this morning (AND also his father and my mother's father) and wore their War medals with pride. I was very proud of my Dad and his service in the Navy during the Korean War.  He was an old 'digger' who loved the mateship of the service and the Returned Services League for returned service people.  I was given a 50 year service plaque for him and it was a shame that he never got to see it.  Mum and Dad were pen pals during the Korean War and on his return they married in Australia.  Although Mum and Dad are both gone, I continue to miss them terribly and I promise that I will continue to uphold my Dad's memory by proudly wearing his (and both my Grandfathers) war medals.  The Korean War was often referred to as the forgotten War (in Australia) as it was mainly America who was fighting and the Australians were few in numbers.  My Dad saw action on Navy destroyers and lost many mates. War has a terrible effect on everyone that seems to last forever.  Dad today is your day and I know you loved the two-up game that servicemen played and if possible I will have a go for you today. I love you (and Mum) and send you my silent prayers. Your darling daughter Gayle

[mikesmum]

Gayle - Noticed you posted, just wanted to say hi.  We attended Dawn Service here in Ringwood with my brother,daughter and grandkids.  Dad fought in WWII, Egypt and Middle East then in PNG.  I wear minatures of dad's medals, we had his originals mounted with his picture and service details.

My other half is a Vietnam vet.  He has only come with us these past two years.  Its hard.

As I looked around the crowds in the darkness I saw so many families acknowledging their families military history - good to see.

Hope you are able to make the reunion.  I have booked and am hoping that they get at least 25 so this can get off the ground.  There is so much experience and sharing here that can in many ways go to helping those who unfortunately join us here as well as bringing together a unique and diverse group.

Take Care - Trudi

[denisemanzella]

Im so glad i finally found a place where people can understand what im going thru ,i know i dont know u but i just wanted to say that they were true soul mates and i believe that they could have not existed without each other on earth. Thats gods true meaning of soul mates 

[solemate]

Today would have been my dear Dad's 79th Birthday.  2-1/2 years have gone by and the pain of loosing both my parents together is still there and I doubt would ever go away.  I spoke to my Dad's twin brother who is still alive and living in a Nursing home.  He misses his brother and together we spoke about old times and how the days have gone by quickly.  I often think of my Dad and how he thought he would win the lottery one day. Sorry Dad you never did - however you won my heart and I will be forever your darling daughter. Love you dearly - miss you every day - I will have a go on the pokies for you. Gayle

[mikesmum]

[user=17099]solemate[/user] wrote:

Today would have been my dear Dad's 79th Birthday.  2-1/2 years have gone by and the pain of loosing both my parents together is still there and I doubt would ever go away.  I spoke to my Dad's twin brother who is still alive and living in a Nursing home.  He misses his brother and together we spoke about old times and how the days have gone by quickly.  I often think of my Dad and how he thought he would win the lottery one day. Sorry Dad you never did - however you won my heart and I will be forever your darling daughter. Love you dearly - miss you every day - I will have a go on the pokies for you. Gayle

Gayle - Hoping you win 'big' at the pokies in honour of your dad.  I was a daddy's girl and though he's been done 29yrs my heart misses him a little more each day.

Glad you got to spend time with your Uncle, is he an identical twin or fraternal?

Heading to the US in less than a fortnight.  Will take you with me in spirit..Trudi

[solemate]

Dearest Trudi, - Have a wonderful time in USA and say hello for me - I am in the throws of shifting house in approx 6 wks albeit in the same street! This shift I hope will ease some of my pain given the current house is so full of good and bad memories.  I hope to go to the next BI event - although I will be going back to Ireland and Wales first.  My dad's twin is not idential - however sometimes I see so much of him that is so like my Dad, it s almost like he is still with me on earth.  I know that you will meet many of our BI friends when you go over, not to mention the great time to just relax and have some me time.  You always write some heartfelt words and I look forward to hearing about your events in the US. Love for now Gayle

[mofirefly]

Gayle - I haven't been on computer much lately (quite a bit of drama going on in real life) - but I read your post of Jul 28th being your dad's birthday and remembered that it is one of the things we have in common as it was my dad's birthday as well.  Do take care as you move - it is a stressful event.  You (and many others) are in my heart and prayers daily.  Bye for now, Candy

[Kelly]

Hello!

Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help and pass the word to the others?

Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page is here at

http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&x=0&y=0&Search=Beyond+Indigo.

Let's shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.

Kelly Baltzell

Founder

Beyond Indigo

[crosscrunner4eva]

Hey Everyone. My name is Brandi and I am 21 years old. When I was fifteen I lost my father to cancer. I took care of him and watched it all happen. To this day, I struggle with not having him in my life and how I will cope in the future. How do you guys cope? He will be missing several big events in my life and I don't know how to deal with that. Help? :?

[atroubled12]

Hi. My name is Sam and im 13 tears old. My dad died when i was six. i have had so much trouble coping and i didnt know where to turn all these six years. my father died from a drug overdose. My dad was in an immense amount of pain and he was addicted to a pain killer. one night he just popped one to many pain pilles and he didnt get back up in the morning. i just wish that i could have helped him and told him to think about what he was doing. now i just rely on the hope that someday i will be able to see him again. one way i found this is through the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. (mormons) they have helped me cope through these hard times. now im not one for religeous themes but they really helped me get through this. im still scarred of course and always will be but just know that you will see him again. all you can do is live your life well, and know that you will see him again.

[justnicki]

Today would have been my dad's birthday... the second one that's passed since he's been gone.  Plus it's just days after the anniversary of my uncle's death as well.

I've been trying to ignore it... to treat the day like any other day, then I sit down here and all I want to do is to cry.

It's like I wasn't grateful for what I had when I had it.  Two years ago, I had my dad, one of his brothers and his sister... and now they're all gone.  All of that generation has died of that family.

I miss them all

[agnaq111809]

I would like to let you know that I am sharing your feelings of your loss.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  I think my dad's birthday was June 11, but I don't know for sure.  See I was born a month after he and  my uncle, my mom's younger brother, never came back from the sea.  Their bodies and small craft were never found over 57 years ago.  My mother and maternal grandmother never really talked to me about him/uncle.  I now see how much pain they went through as I pain for my mother whom I lost in November 2009 to cancer.  I have also realize that I am going through grief for my dad as well.  Couple of my aunts (my mom's sisters) are still here on earth.  The rest have gone on.  I'm glad that I had a good childhood in spite of all the deaths around me/our community/our families.  That's what I think about and also my relationships with family members who are gone.  I am now starting a book by Rick Warren on Purpose Driven Life and it's looks like it'll provide me with a lot of answers to my questions.  I pray that you will take care of yourself and continue to do good.  God Bless you.

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family

[J.C loves me]

Hi. My name is Sam and im 13 tears old. My dad died when i was six. i have had so much trouble coping and i didnt know where to turn all these six years. my father died from a drug overdose. My dad was in an immense amount of pain and he was addicted to a pain killer. one night he just popped one to many pain pilles and he didnt get back up in the morning. i just wish that i could have helped him and told him to think about what he was doing. now i just rely on the hope that someday i will be able to see him again. one way i found this is through the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. (mormons) they have helped me cope through these hard times. now im not one for religeous themes but they really helped me get through this. im still scarred of course and always will be but just know that you will see him again. all you can do is live your life well, and know that you will see him again.

My names Amber,i lost my dad(stepdad) to suicide, that was on July 21st of 2009...only about a yr ago from now...im turning 16 in october of this yr...i used to think and still do think that i could of helped him since i was there when he did it...everyone i have told says 'you could of tried but it wouldnt of worked...im sorry" or "dont blame it on yourself you couldnt of done anything,the problem was between your parents"....my brother (who tried taking the gun away from my dad) is now 13...he still lives with my mom who i dont live with cause of the fact im not able to deal with her....his names nathan,i miss him alot along with my dad (stepdad)....i dont knw how hes feeling and since you lost your dad when u were 13, i was wondering how you lived and felt afterwards so i could help him....plz write back...Amber

[J.C loves me]

Hey Everyone. My name is Brandi and I am 21 years old. When I was fifteen I lost my father to cancer. I took care of him and watched it all happen. To this day, I struggle with not having him in my life and how I will cope in the future. How do you guys cope? He will be missing several big events in my life and I don't know how to deal with that. Help? :?

Brandi,

My names Amber, i lost my dad(stepdad) to suicide...im not sure if its the same feelings u have but i do have the same ?s...im turning 16 in october this yr he died July 21st of 2010....about a yr ago...hes going to miss my graduation,my first car,my wedding, my kids....i dont have the anwsers but if u find them out plz help me as well.....im still lost....

[fejenroz]

It's amazing how people keep wanting us to convert normal and natural emotions to our intellects: "Be strong," "Keep busy," "Just give it time," "Be grateful," ad nauseum. I found the information at www.thegriefprogram.com to be helpful and the phone counseling there has a different approach that gave me back my happiness, aliveness and spontaneity. Finally I get to remember him for the way he lived, not just the way he died. He left a legacy of love, not pain. You might try them.