Loss of a Father

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi Tara

Thanks for the compliment about my Dad, he was very handsome. I am a clone of him in personality, we were so alike, and look very similar too.

Yes I remember you of course. It is tough without our precious daddys and there are some days that are worse than others. I am doing much better now, after 17 months but there are still odd days where I feel like I am back to square 1!!

I think having the baby to plan for has helped keep us busy, but then there are times when I feel so alone without my special Daddy and certain things that he used to do and say to makes things okay. He loved us all so much but especially me, his little princess and thats what is so hard, I have lost so much love and support and my best friend, we could talk about anything.

He was such an amazing man, as I am sure your Dad was too. I will say my prayers for you and hope you have some good news to tell me soon about your pregnancy!!!! positive thinking!!!!!

If our baby is a boy, we will use Alan (my Dads name) as a middle name and my husband changed his name by deed poll so that our baby would have my family name, bless him. So we are double barreled now

Take care Tara

Lots of hugs being sent to you from the UK

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle XXXXX

[dollface]

alwaysdaddysgirl:

I know that my daddy was there when my son was born.  As I was giving birth, I thought over and over in my head "Daddy, give me strength to get through this.  Help me daddy"  and I really think he did.  Several hours after my son was born my mother told me that it was their anniversary.  WOW!  I never even knew when their anniversary was!  Now I have 2 things to celebrate on that day. 

I believe Daddy was there that day, and looks out for my son every day since. 

[user=15913]alwaysdaddysgirl[/user] wrote:

dollface

Thank you for your kind words, your words sound as if I wrote them myself. I found out I was expecting on the 1 year anniversary of his death, so it was a symbolic day, I feel he is watching over us and I will make sure that my child knows exactly who there Grandad was and how much he would have loved them.

How did you feel the day your son was born? I know it will be a special day, but also I know my Daddy will be in allof our thoughts

take care

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle xxxx

[jackiewitter]

Hi Tara & Michelle...I agree with Tara, the picture of you father is beautiful.  Also Tara I don't know who told you that a year was enough, must have been some crazy person!  I am in my third year without my Dad and while the pain is not as intense and as often, it is still there.  Losing Jeffrey brought it back just like it was right around the corner hiding and waiting. 

Well know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.  Congratulations on the baby...and I do see your daddys face on the ultrasound.    My prayers are with you both.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[dollface]

I've been having a really hard time these last few days.  Our friends father passed a couple weeks ago and I've been trying to help one of the sisters as much as I can to get through this difficult time.  However, I think that helping her is bringing me down emotionally.  It seems to be bringing so much back.  She tells me that she knows that her dad has sent her signs that he is still here.  It's been almost 5 years for me and I haven't seen any signs yet----WHY?  No dreams, nothing.  I heard something in a cartoon the other day--something my daddy always used to say---always----and I had forgotten until I just heard it.  HOW COULD I FORGET THIS?  HE SAID IT ALL THE TIME!!!   My husband said that I've been really depressed lately--I guess he's right.  But I can't talk to him about it, he doesn't understand and he doesn't know how to act or what to say.  I've been on the verge of tears for a constant week.  I've always tried to be the strong one and now I'm falling apart, inside and out.

[mofirefly]

Dollface - I'm so sorry you are having in what I refer to as a downer mode.  Did you know that January is a really bad month for a huge number of people to get depressed - and that isn't counting those who have lost a loved one - so you having these feelings will hopefully be a short time....and you will rebound once again.  As far as not having "signs" from your dad - well to me, when you heard the words from the program and it reminded you of what you dad always said, couldn't that be a sort-of sign for you.  It isn't a bad thing that you had forgotten what he use to say, shoot forgetting stuff is perfectly normal....My thoughts - maybe this is a time for you to actually stop trying to be strong and just let yourself fall down for a short time and let those around you help support you for a while - Then hopefully soon you will be up once again and will be able to continue this long journey.  Hope my rambling makes some sense - Just try to TAKE CARE OF YOU!

[alex329]

HI CINDY ,JACKIE AND CANDY AND ALL OF THE NEW VISITORS HER TO THIS SITE....IM ON 13 MONTHS NOW BUT I REALLY DONT FEEL ANY DIFFERENt.......it doesnt go away(the Pain) i wish it would,i just want to feel "normal" again..and thats just not happening for me,i think of my dad the minute my eyes open and all day long and at night when i try to go to sleep........everything reminds me of him all day long............i just want him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do carry on with my life day to day but i miss him soooooooo much and it still hurts sooooooo much...............when does this pain subside??????????? he was just such a  huge part of my everyday life and that makes it so much harder for me.............he lived next door to me and was here 8 times a day if not more...............its just not the same without him............sorry for rambling just having an off night............im so much better than i was a year ago so there is hope to all of you new guests...........i can function on a daily routine but i never stop thinking of my dad........we were sooooooooooo close.........i think i nay still be in denial..........i dont get it......how can i never see him again???????????? it just doesnt register with me yet...........please keep writing it does help..............it has hlped me sooooooo much and i have made great friends here..............honestly ,this is my outlet and it does help..................hey girsl i hope your all doing ok tonight.............i miss you guys but we have busy lives but i like to check in with you all here and there.......................im ok........not great but ok.............working alot and keeping busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope to chat with you soon.............nite tara

[mofirefly]

Tara - I've seen so few posts from names I recognize - but I dont get online as much as I use to or for as long.  You posted "when does the pain go away" - well, as far as I can tell it doesn't really go away, you simply learn to carry it with you.  And as far as thinking about your dad all the time - to me that is "normal" - I go to bed at night looking at my mom's picture and wake up looking at it....she and I were together so much and I actually don't think you realy want to not think about your dad, but rather are looking forward to a time when thinking of him will bring more smiles than tears.  You've only just passed you one year - I didn't come to these boards until 13 months had passed and I came because I wasn't feeling any better and in fact felt worse - But I am doing better now - but the pain is definately still there, I've simply developed a way to push it down inside and find something better to think about.  I do hope you are doing ok - I do more reading of posts now than typing - but lately have gotten on a bit of a rambling streak.  Do take care!

[rdnkhotshot]

i lost my father early nov in 07. he died from a heart attack, we didnt even know anything was wrong. its been hard very hard without him.

[susancooksw]

My father was killed in a head on collision on September 11, 2007.  At 2am.  Driving the wrong way on the highway.  He had left the house at 6:30pm the evening before.  He had an appointment for an overnight sleep clinic where I was sure they would diagnose his disorientation and memory loss as oxygen deprivation.  He was cleared of any other brain abnormalities.  I had begged my mother to have his licence revoked because of his behaviour and many dents in the car.  She never did.  She was suppose to drive him to this appointment.  She couldnt be bothered.  She gave him her cell phone and said it was in case he got lost.  Well he got lost and lost and lost and drove around in darkness until he found his way back to a highway almost 8 hours later.  He drove 20kms before he hit the cube van.  My father didnt have one single person in his life who didnt love him for all that was.  My mothers brother, was also my fathers best friend.  He could never understand why my father stayed with this abusive woman.  I am 43 years old and as i sit hear writing, and crying, I am so angry and so sad and I hate that woman for all that she is and all that she has done.  And now I am becoming angry that he didnt rescue himself and myself from her years ago.  I burst in to tears suddenly.  I ache.  I dream of him but I never speak to him in the dreams.  I just want to hold him one more time.

[solemate]

Hi everyone - I have been away on business for several weeks and unable to post - so just catching up with everyone - How sad that there is so many new names on the board.  Strange how you think of things - I wonder when I go whether my family would post notes??? I doubt it - they are not the type.  To my dear Dad, I spoke to your twin brother today, he misses you and is slowing down himself.  You both would have been 78 this year.  I know he misses you and the bond between you both gives me some comfort that you are still around.  When I speak to him, its like you are still here.  I know you had a strong bond with him and that he misses you very much.  I miss our talks and the results of the lotto games! I can just hear you ordering around Mum telling her to get me a cup of tea.  I have learnt to accept the accident as a terrible tragedy and that you may have just been your stubborn self and decided to drive (instead of Mum) in the rain.  You are both together and simply could not have survived without each other.  Mum had an issue that I am sure both of you didnt know.  This would have been devestating for her and you to cope. Maybe this accident was meant to be? There is always reasons for things to happen - I'm  just not sure I really know what they are.  My husband and I played the pokies for you today - this I know you enjoyed.  Maybe next time you may win!I would give anything for you and Mum to be here with me and our family but that will never be.  I need to accept your loss and its so hard to come to terms with the finality of it.  Days drift on and I am still at a loss, deep in grief and tears.  Take care everyone and be kind to yourself - Gayle

[loveuforever]

Hi there  -

I'm a newbie here, but I lost my Dad on the 29th of December 2007.  In looking at your Dad's photo, he has a wonderful smile and pleasant eyes.   Seems like a great guy.   While we are both crying now,  I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your anger and you aren't alone in your grief in dealing with your loss. 

[susancooksw]

Thank you!!  He was special in so many ways...and he is all that is good in me.

[solemate]

susan - Your Dad's photos tells me that he was strong in character and had a warmth about him. - I hope you read this as I believe you are on line at the moment  - My parents both died due to a car accident - Dad should never had been driving that terrible day - it was raining and I guess he told my mum he would drive because the weather was bad.  He lost control on the roads and hit head on with another vehicle - he died instantly and my Mum was taken to two hospitals  - later that night several hrs after the accident I agreed to turn off her life support system - loosing two onthe one day  hrs apart has been a tough journey for me.  I am so sorry for your loss I know if I had the chance I would give anything to say hello to both of them again.  I saw them at 8.30am and by 9.30am Dad was dead and Mum was being kept alive so I could say goodbye at 8.00pm that night.  I found these boards very helpful just to get on and say anything - we have all lost in some way - no matter how old we are (im 53) and how and when our loss has been - we are all united in grief and support each other in any way we can.  Keep posting it does help to get all your thoughts and expressions out - see a counsellor if you can - they can also be of help.  Take care  - hugs from Australia - Gayle

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Jackie

You are one of the only people who can see it, I saw atsoon as I got the scan picture from the hospital, its a litle sign for me to say he is looking after my unborn baby.

Thank you for the compliment on my Daddy, he was so handsome and very loving with it, he was my idol all through my childhood and adulthood and thats why I am very much like him and everyone says so it gives my Mum comfort as she sees so much of my Dad in me.

Keep your chin up and keep positive

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle XXXXX

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi Tara

It does get easier, you just have to keep busy its been 17 months since my precious Daddy left and some days are harder than others, I still have a few tears most days, usually when I hear a song on the radio!!

Hello to all of you new to beyond indigo

All of the new names on here are all at very early stages of grief and you feel as if it will never get better and you will always feel so empty and lost, but it does get easier.

I am lucky that I have a very close family and we talk about my Dad all the time, my Mum has been stronger than me and says she feels worse for me because she knows how close we were and how much we relied on each other. I wouldn't say that time heals but you learn to cope better with your emotions. I went to speak to a bereavement counciler( free Of charge) and it helped to talk about it and because they didn't know me or my Dad it made it easier and I felt better after speaking to them. Everyone is different, there is no set time to grieve!

This website has really helped me, just to vent sometimes, but also to speak to others in similar situations

take care

alwaysdaddysgirl

MIchelle xxxxxx

[mofirefly]

Hi out there to Cindy in Alaska - my puter shows you are on line - just wanted to say I hope you are doing ok.  Take Care of You!

[jackiewitter]

Hey girls,

Just wanted to say hello.  Hanging in as best as possible.  My son is coming home for his 18day stay.  I am so excited I cannot wait to see him.  I hope all is well with you girls.  There is more to say, but I just don't have the energy for it.  My brother's best friend died last Thursday.  I cannot help but think that the two of them are together now.  I'll get more into it later.  Take care of yourselves.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[ernurse99]

HI everyone! i just wanted to say that this site has helped me so much , i now know that what i am going through, i am not alone in !!! my dad passed dec02 2007(cardiac arrest) and most of the time it just doesnt seem real!!! it has been so hard and i miss him so much it physically hurts. and this site has shown me i am not alone. his 2 month is tomorrow and i still cant believe it...  will  i ever?

[ernurse99]

HI everyone! i just wanted to say that this site has helped me so much , i now know that what i am going through, i am not alone in !!! my dad passed dec02 2007(cardiac arrest) and most of the time it just doesnt seem real!!! it has been so hard and i miss him so much it physically hurts. and this site has shown me i am not alone. his 2 month is tomorrow and i still cant believe it...  will  i ever?

[jackiewitter]

ernurse99, Hi and welcome.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.  I do have to tell you though that when I saw his picture it was a shocking resemblance of my father.  The thick head of hair and the color;  it took me by surprise.  Made me smile, thank you  for posting his picture.  I did not go further back in the post so I am not sure if your father's passing was sudden or if it was from an on-going problem.  Actually either way does not make it any easier.  My father died in 2004, we were prepared for it, he had Alzheimer’s and my mother had passed suddenly in 2001. 

As to your question about ever believing it; for me the answer is yes, on some days, but then no on other days.  Like the days when you just need Daddy's arms, then it's hard to believe, or being able to pick up the phone and share a joke, or world politics.  But there are days that I am able to just look up and know that Daddy is secure with Mom and now has be joined by my little brother.  At times I am jealous and angry that I am left here without them.  So on the days that I am able to smile when I think of their memories and the influences they had on my life, I am eternally grateful. 

Not everyone has a time-table.  I would suggest trying to not hold yourself to a standard in which you feel that you have "gotten over it" or "moved on".  I don't believe that will ever happen.  But I think that you can find a way to place those memories and feelings in a box, deep in your heart, and pull them out when you need to; a place where even though not everyone can see them, they are forever with you.  I hope that you can find some comfort, especially in the months to come.  Please know that there are caring people here who are always willing to listen if you need them.  I know; this site has saved me in so many ways.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[alex329]

hi to all my bi friends tonight......i am doing ok not great but ok........my dads bday is in march so imreading that second year without him here.........its always something,i think of him every second of everyday except when i keep busy with work but even still he used to come to my work for dinner and drinks eve weekend so its so hard no matter where i am.............i miss him awful and i had a bad dream last night  about hima nd when i awoke my heart was racing so bad...............i hated that feeling...............want good dreams always..............i just wanted to say hi to all of you girls............jackie.candy,cindy,michells and all the new comers.....keep posting it does help and you make great  fr iends as well.............it cant hurt to pour out your  feelings............i still do it and it dos help so keep coming back we are always here for you..............we are the ones who know how you feel!!!!!!!!!! its sad but true..........i made great friends here because they knew how i felt to the tee................ nite all...........love tara

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi Tara

Sorry to hear about your bad dreams, It is horrible when you wake up feeling like that and it seems to affect your whole day!

I found an old video of my brothers 21st the other day and my Dad shouted at me on film, and told me to be quiet while he was talking, but it really upset me and I wish I hadn't watched it now, because it made me feel really sad. Obviously I still miss and love him, but I feel really upset about it now.

When in March is your Dad's birthday?

I remember my Dads birthday last year and I just cried all day, the sunday before his birthday is fathers day, so its double high emotions. I think it will be different this year, because my baby is due on April 14th and I'm sure we will be busy with him or her, We try to make new memories for sad dates, on the year anniversary of his death I found out I was pregnant and we have booked the babies christening for the date of dads funeral, so we can celebrate new beginnings, rather than feeling sad.

Thinking of you

keep positive honey

Michelle

xxxxxxx

[mindy10]

Sarah sorry to hear about your bad dream I too have them all the time.  He is always sick in my dreams and last night he looked so awful.  My dad died of cancer and was only 80 pounds at the end.  I had a dream he stood up and was yelling at me and he was 7 feet tall and a skeleton.  It was so scary that I to woke up and my heart was pounding and my whole body was tense.  Very rarely do I have good dreams about him.  Mostly he is very thin and sick.  My family never have dreams of him just me.  I wonder why just I do and noone else does.  Its a sad thing to lose a father and I will always miss him and my life will never be the same again.  Mindy

[4froggies]

Unfortunately dreams aren't always the type that we like. I have had a few dreams where I am pretty sure Dad is trying to talk to me from heaven, but I have had a few that left me wishing i had never fallen asleep.

Today I miss my dad more than I have in awhile.  I found myself crying more than normal, over nothing. I just see his face in my head, randomly, and I miss his voice instantly. Tomorrow makes 9 months since his passing, maybe that is why.

I look at his pictures and cant help but think--it wasn't his time. I know it isn't up to me, if it were, he would have never left. 

its hard losing your hero--your best friend.....

[ernurse99]

hi jeffreyssister, thanks for the advice! today is a bad day!!! somedays are like nothing happened and others  feels like it just happended today! it just hits me out of the blue! my dad died of cardiac arrest at home dec 2nd after breakfast with my mom and niece, he was 70, he has had a bad heart for many years but to no avail he always beat the odds. until this november when he went into the hospital to fight an infection caused by a wire in his chest(from a bypass surgery 12yrs ago) see he was doing great and fell last year on the ice and broke one of the wires holding together his sternum and it caused an abcess, which he needed surgery for then the infection spread to his knee . but after 3.5 wks in the hospital they told him he was recovering and sent him home, 5 days later he died at home with my mom. I dont know what to do, but keep going like i have been almost like he is still here! i miss him misserbly and just want him back (if only)! i dont know that how i am feeling is how i am supposed to feel or not. is there a right and wrong way to grieve? i have closed off from most of my friends and dont really talk to my brothers and sister or mom(i am the youngest of 5) about how i feel because i need to be the strong one there! this is really my only support (by my own choice i guess). anyway thanks to everyone for listening! he was my best friend! and i was his nurse that took care of him! now i feel lost!

[alex329]

HEY MICHELLE, MY DADS BDAY IS MARCH 29TH.........IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR NEW BABY WE WILL BE TRYING SOON FOR ANOTHER AND THAT WILL HELP ME GET THRU THIS............HE KNEW WE WANTED ANOTHER BABY AS HE WAS THERE FOR THE MISCARRRIAGES..........I DO HAVE BAD DREAMS OF HIM AND I HATE IT BUT I DO HAVE A FEW THAT ARE GOOD AND STICK OUT IN MY MIND...........ITS JUST SO WEIRD WITHOUT HIM HERE.....WHEN I DO DREAM OF HIM ,I THINK DAD IS THAT YOU COMING TO ME?????????? I WISH I KNEW FOR SURE BUT WE JUST DONT KNOW...........IF I KNEW FOR SURE I WOULD BE OK.............THERE IS NO "FOR SURE" OR WE WOULD ALL BE OK.....RIGHT?????????????? I HATE THE UNKNOWN I JUST WANT TO KNOW HES OK.............AND I CANT KNOW THAT FOR SURE..............I AM A ATHOLIC BUT I STIL DONT KNOW WHERE HE IS AND HOW HE IS.............NOONE DOES. AND THAT KILLS ME.................I THINK HE IS OK HE WAS A SUPER GREAT GUY BUT HE WASNT VERY RELIGIOUS ,SO NOW I DONT KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIM.................I HAVE A FRINED WHO IS  A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN AND HER WORDS HAVE NOT HELPED ME AT ALL................SHE DOESNT THINK HE IS WITH GOD AND THAT BOTHERS ME ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......I HAVE TO BELIEVE HE WAS GOOD AND GOD TOOK HIM WITH HIM................IM A TOTAL MESS .STILL................I WANT TO KNOW HE  IS OK...........I REALLY HOPE HE IS.............NITE TARA I ALL BI GIRLS...........HOPE ALL IS WELL...................TARA

[jackiewitter]

ernurse99, Hi, I am sorry, it's been a while since I have been on.  My youngest son is on leave from Iraq, so we are just basking in the beauty of his presense here.  He will leave on the 18th to go back.  Tear, my brother's birthday is on the 19th and we are planning a beach visit to release balloons with notes to Jeffrey written on them. 

I saw your question of right way or wrong way to grieve.  Girl, from my experience, there is neither.  The difference in the grief that I have felt between my mother, my father and then my little brother is so vastly different that I have just been stumped each time.  I still have not grieved for my mother because I am still so angry at her for not taking better care of herself and allowing this to happen by neglicting her own health but taking care of Daddy and of Jeffrey.  As for my dad, it was such a blessed release and that he allowed Jeffrey and I (and our children) to be a part of it was such a moving event that it's hard to be angry about it.  My grief for Jeffrey has almost sucked the life right out of me.  The first 6 months I was sure that I had simply lost my mind.  All I wanted to was to go where he was, I just did not want to do this any longer.  I can say that I am at 1 & 1/2 years after Jeff's passing and it's been 3 & 1/2 years after Daddy left.  Some days I think that I am better and then there are other days that I feel like I am back to square one.  I don't talk of it with my kids much, it just seems to take to much energy.  I only have one friend that I talk with about it because she recently lost her father.  Everyone else seems to have their parents and it is difficult for them to relate.  They offer small bits of advise that really mean nothing.  I think it's time, time is probably the biggest factor.  I believe I am finally at a point where 30% of my days are good now.  Only 70% are still consumed with the nagging feeling of abandonment.  (pretty selfish huh?)

My prayers are with you, I hope that you find peace and comfort and that one day you can say that 30% of your days are better, and then maybe 40 or 50% down the road.  That's my goal right now.  Well, first it's getting through Jeffrey's birthday.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[silkworm]

Dear All, I have just joined this site and am not certain I know how to use it yet.

My first post therefore will be short. I am 53-- a second generation Chinese American living in Los Angeles. I lost my father on January 5th 2008. He was 93, so it wasn't unexpected-- still it was a shock. Only two weeks before his passing, he was still able to take a shower by himself. His condition began to decline suddenly around Christmas-- we took him to his cardiologist on the 3rd, but the cardiologist didn't think he needed hospitalization, only a change in medication. And then two nights later he passed away (one day before my birthday). Our immediate family was small (I have one older brother) and extremely close. My parents were married sixty years, and knew each other for seventy-eight! As you can imagine, we are all devastated. Fortunately we have

quite alot of relatives and friends in the area who have been very supportive. Yet losing him seems unbearable. These days I am preoccupied by "what ifs"-- What if we had taken him to the hospital immediately instead of waiting for an appointment with his cardiologist? What if there hadn't been severe storms in California over Christmas which discouraged us from calling an ambulance? What if the book I had ordered on how to nurse elderly patients had arrived the day before he passed away instead of the day after? What if his cardiologist had given me a straight answer when I asked what warning signs to look for instead of giving me a look as if to say "How can you bother me with such a stupid question?" Guilt, blame, anger, depression...and so much uncertainty. I am hoping that this site will help. Ultimately we all depend on the kindness of strangers.

[mofirefly]

Silkworm - How very sorry I am that you have experienced so deep a loss.  I do hope that finding this site will indeed be of some help to you as it has been to me.  The feelings you listed in your post as some many others here have felt and the "what if's" are questions we all ask.  There are no correct answers, but the sharing of the feelings seems to be very helpful and sort of knits us together and then we seem to hold on to each other here in cyber space and that type of support is so very welcome.  I do hope you are able to find time to let the many emotions you are having wash over you - and don't ever feel you must behave in any particular way.  Take time to breathe deeply.

[cindyinalaska]

Hello to everyone!

I have been doing alot of reading lately...not alot of posting.  I just thought I would say hi.  I hope everyone is doing ok.  I think I'm doing ok.  My best friends dad is in the ICU.....he is 68 years old.  He fell on the ice and hit his head on the cement.  He has had alot of brain swelling and two brain bleeds.  He had brain surgery which went pretty well.   He was on a respirator as well as a morphine drip but he is off of those now.  He seems to be getting better....we are praying that he will be ok.  The last update from Heidi was that he was trying to talk...but is having trouble finding the words.  This has hit me so hard!!!!!  I had a panic attack at work!!  I was so embarassed!  It just felt like everyone around me is dying!!  First my dad, then my grandfather, then my grandmother...then Danielle, a really sweet girl who was a receptionist at our doctors office (24 years old!!!  she died in her sleep!!)  and now this!!  It's just alot to handle in such a short time.   I just don't know how much more I can handle...you know???????

[dollface]

Cindy:

I know how it feels when you say "surrounded by death".  Within the past year,my husband lost his only remaining grandmother, 7 friends have lost parents we were all close to, and another friend lost a brother in law.  Last week, I found out that an ex-boyfriend of mine passed away at the end of January.  We hadn't spoke in 12 years------He had a brain anyurism when we lived together and after 4 months in a coma, and another 2 of almost no further recovery, his mother moved him out of my home and told me to never come to visit him again.  I made the 3 hour round trip to see him every other day for 6 months while working full time.  We had been together 4 years.  He never fully recovered--never wrote and hardly could walk or speak.  We never had any closure on our relationship, so this has been pretty hard on me.  I can't go see his grave because he was cremated.  I have nothing I can look at to see that it really is true other than an obituary I found on-line in the local newspaper.  I started a letter to his mother, and decided it would be better to just send a card with a short note of condolinces.  I don't think she ever really liked me, and I'm probably the last one she wants to hear from....but I need to do something.  you gave me some good advise about sending mom flowers for valentines day--anything for this situation???

[jackiewitter]

Dollface & Cindy, Hi girls, it's good to read your post.  Cindy, Ben is home until the 18th, and then back to Iraq, he thanks you a million times over for the packages, it really meant alot to him!  So thanks again....

I truly understand what you are saying, it does seem like it's all around us.  I just don't know if it is because we are so open and exposed to grief now that every event has a different affect on us.  Jeffrey's best friend died about 2 weeks ago.  He was only 44.  That panic seems like it has set in, I just want to scream "no more, please, no more", or worse; "take me".   I tend now to worry so much more when the kids are gone.  I text them alot around 10pm if they are not home yet.  I worry constantly about Ben being in Iraq. My husband went to Saudi in December for a little over a week and I was a basket case.  This is part of the new me, the worrier.  One of my father's favorite sayings was "this too shall pass".  I still try to say it daily and usually when I do, it makes me smile.  It brings back memories of when I would be upset, like if we lost a softball game, or a boyfriend broke up, Daddy would sit in the front porch swing with me and just pat my shoulder telling me not to cry and worry because "this too shall pass".    

I hope you both have a good week and I pray for you and your family and friends.  My God keep you close, peace and blessings, Jackie

[silkworm]

Thank you MoFirefly for your kind words. I get the sense that this group has been ongoing for awhile-- I'm not familiar with the protocols yet, so please be patient with me. I confess that it somehow makes me feel better that other people are in the same boat as me-- each of our situations is different, yet somehow shared. I do wonder whether I'm being selfish about talking about my own case without acknowledging others'-- in many ways, as awful as it sounds, hearing that other end-of-life-situations were more difficult and complex makes me grateful that Da's was relatively quiet and peaceful. After all, he was 93, died in his sleep without severe pain, lying next to his partner for 60 years. The big question is what would have happened if he had been hospitalized, which didn't occur for several reasons (including his cardiologist's thinking it wasn't necessary). Would he still be alive? Would he have died anyway? Or would he have been in some in-between state, hooked up to life-support machines, tubes coming out of his arteries and nose and bladder? I did a blog search and came across a blog by a young woman resident in which she describes her dismay at how medical technology has both extended life and robbed us of our dignity at the same time. On Da's previous visits to the hospital, I'd seen him in Intensive Care-- it reminded me of the last section of 2001 where HAL takes over. Looking back, perhaps we should have done home hospice-- but that would have assumed that we knew his case was terminal, which we didn't (at least, we ourselves didn't know...are doctors required to tell you you are terminal if you are?). I would appreciate hearing other people's thoughts about death, hospitals, hospices, technology, etc. Has anyone read HOW WE DIE or DYING WELL or the Dalai Lama's book on dying?

[mofirefly]

Silkworm - Just wanted to let you know that you are welcome to post any thoughts you have at any time - There is no "protocol" per se, just a lot of just who are hurting who come here to release some of our pain.  I find your posts quite thought provocting - you have many questions and I do hope that as you travel this journey you will find answers that bring you some peace.  Take care.

[mofirefly]

Hi - It was so good to see a post from Cindy and I thought the replies were right on - we do seem to be more aware of the losses around us - and as far as being worriers, I'm not sure that is a term I would choose - we are simply trying to protect our loved ones (and for that matter ourselves) from being in harms way.  There are many times I've wished to be able to put a huge barrier around my family to try and protect them, but I realize that it is not at all possible.  I do hope the many others who are on these boards continue this journey as I find this to be one place I can come to and always feel supported by the emotions others share.  May each of you take a very DEEP BREATHE and take care.

[silkworm]

MoFirefly-- You may not believe this but last night I was looking at the Dalai Lama's ADVICE ON DYING (and Living a Better Life) and came across a list of the 8 stages that the Tibetan Buddhists say the soul experiences while dying. They are: 1) mirage 2) smoke 3) fireflies 4) flame of a lamp 5) vivid white mind sky 6) vivid red-orange mind sky 7) vivid black mind sky 8) clear light...I thought about fireflies after reading it, remembering how we used to catch them in jars in the backyard back in Connecticut...and here you are, a Firefly yourself...

[silkworm]

Hi Missa, Your father and mine passed away within 24 hours of each other. I can tell by the brevity of your post that you are still reeling. I am too. I found this website by total accident-- like you, I am self-conscious about sharing my grief with complete strangers whom I cannot even see. But your utter shock incomprehension resonates deeply with me. Emily Dickinson said it best:

Pain has an element of blank;

It cannot recollect

When it began, or if there were

A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,

Its infinite realms contain

Its past, enlightened to perceive

New periods of pain.

[ernurse99]

silkworm

wow! makes so much sense!

I find that i have such a different view on life and things now! hope things are well with you thoughts and prayers to you

sarah! 

[ernurse99]

jeffreyssister

Enjoy your visit with your son!(i am sure you will!) please send my thanks!(yes even though i am from canada lol) and my prayers for him! thanks for the post, i know i really am not the only one going through this .... sometimes it feels like no one understands, just people i have met here! my thoughts with you!!!

happy birthday jeffery!

sarah 

[mofirefly]

Silkworm and others - I was a bit timid to start my own posts, but I have found that those who are hear are not strangers, in fact I feel so much more connected with some on these boards than I do with those physically near me - for they too have had a loved one torn from them.  Your mention of fireflies made me smile, as my granddaugher and I love to watch them at night here in MO.  Do take care all of you who are on this pathway.

[budsgirl]

I am 34 yr old daughter of a hard working, life lovin, sensitive and proud Steel Hauler. My Dad passed 3 weeks ago tonite. I am a mess. I am the oldest of 4 and the only girl and have spent the last 3 weeks helping my Mom get settled. I have tried so hard not to cry too much in front of her so as not to make it harder. I feel lonely, abandoned, confused, unsure of myself, emotionally distant... just a mess. I thought for some reason this would be easier since I am grown (34) and have my own family but it is not. My Dad (stepdad actually but raised me since 3 yrs old) is so much a part of who I am and now I am not sure of who that "me" is. Taking care of my home and my kids seems impossible right now. I cry all the time at the drop of a hat and then am laughing at the next moment. I feel mad, I feel stunned that this is even happening. I know that it will get better but I just dont see that happening anytime soon. My Dad taught me so much. He taught me to love the land and work in it as much as possible. He taught me to be proud of myself and never to back down from what is right. He taught me to love family and give your best to them. He taught me that life is sometimes hard, sometimes more often than not and to face it head on and without fear. He told me the Grown up Sh%t is Hard and boy was he right. I miss him so much and I just dont know what to do with myself. He was the one person who I knew no matter what, always protected me, always supported me, always comforted me, and always loved me for me. My husband is now left to do that for two people, himself and my Dad and I just dont know if anyone can live up to that. How do I go thru life now, without my Daddy.

[4froggies]

Budsgirl--all of your emotions are completely natural. You will find on these boards that we all feel that way from time to time, some of us more than others!  The loss of someone so dear is traumatic for anyone. Learning to live your life without that person when all you have known is life WITH that person is, to me, like learning to walk all over again.  At least that is what my experience has been.  My dad passed suddenly 9 months ago, three weeks before my wedding, after the hustle and bustle of everything died down, I realized how alone I felt and how I didn't know how I could ever be happy again. I realized after awhile I would never be happy like "that" again because "that" happiness belonged to my time with Dad.  I had to make it my new goal to find happiness in my new world, and, unfortunately, that meant finding happiness without Dad physically by my side. 

One thing we have to hold onto is that your Dad is not really gone. Just in reading your post, I can see how your dad profoundly affected you and who you are as a person. His strength and his zest for life helped make you the person you are today--as a wife and as a mother.  What a blessing! 

Don't get down on yourself for the days you aren't able to see that--9 months later I still have days where I curse the world for the hand that has been dealt to me. I have questioned God and the intentions behind taking my dad away at a time I needed him most.  The stress and strain his death has put on my marriage is unbearable sometimes--to start a new life with someone just as another dies is horribly stressful, especially when you don't feel like it is your place to be happy because life without Dad isn't a happy one.

I keep hearing that once the "healing" kicks in you will be able to look back on the memories and smile--I am waiting for that day. Most importantly, know that you are not alone.  the last 9 months have been the longest 9 months of my life, but in the same breath, it feels like I said goodbye at the cemetery only yesterday.  It is the oddest twist of irony I have ever had to deal with, but somehow I have made it through.

Have my priorities changed? You bet. Has my life style changed? Yup.  Have I and the way I handle my emotions changed? Sure thing--and none of these things will ever be the same. 

I try and take some peace in knowing that my dad would be so sad knowing that I stopped living when he died.  I still take a moment (ok, so a hundred moments) a day to think about him and how much I miss him. But I try to shrug the pain off and move on with the day--with the living. Some days harder than others.

I hope I haven't bored you! I just realized I rambled on and on.  If you need to talk, feel free to send me an email. I will help in anyway I can.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Michele

[lynnny]

Happy Birthday Dad. This is our 2nd bday without you. I miss you lots and it still is painful sometimes. I know you are in a better place and looking down on us all. Enjoy you birthday with everyone.

[jackiewitter]

Sarah,

Hi, thanks for the kind words and I have passed your gratitude on to my son.  He's a good boy, I really hated to see him leave.  I know that Dad would be so very proud of him.  Dad was in WW2 (at the very end).  He was on a ship on his way to Japan when it was bombed.  His duties changed while on board, he went from fighter to re-building roads and buildings in Japan.  It's amazing how things change in an instant.  I know so many that grew up without their fathers so I am eternally grateful that I had him as long as I did.    I miss Daddy so much, but the last two years of his life were so miserable.  Not so much for him because he had no clue what year it was, sometimes he confused me with my mother (who had passed away a few years before).  That was sometimes uncomfortable, never anything bad, but just an uneasy feeling in the way that he looked at me, or said "isn't that right Momma".  My father was very intelligent and had served as a fire chief until retirement, owned his own business and did very well for his family.  It was heartbreaking to see him deteriorate.  I know now that he is with Mom and my brother Jeffrey...I just wish that I could see him as his old self (just a peek until I can join them). 

I hope you have a great weekend, I am planting new flowers this weekend (gotta love Texas).  Cold snaps are over and I will be working in the beds again, I have a special garden in honor of my brother, we light a candle nightly for him out there.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, as with Marilyn, Tara, Cindy, Candy and all.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4froggies]

I just had my first birthday without my dad--for a now 31 year old woman I would have thought it easier to keep my emotions in check, but apparently not.  My actually birthday wasn't too bad, but the day before it I was a complete wreck. Luckily I had the love and support of my husband, my family and my friends to help me through--

 

I miss you Dad. I miss you telling me you love me and to have a happy birthday. I miss you saying "hello there" or laughing at me when I say something silly. I miss you hugging me like it was our last--although I am so glad you did that.

 

I love you Papa.

[davidsmom]

I wasn't particularly close with my Dad, but still loosing him was another pain in my crushed spirit. I lost my 17 year old son to a drunk driver 4 months ago, and my Father to Chronic Alcoholism on Christmas Day. Too much to bear most days.

Love

Lisa

David's mama

[smuman]

It has been almost 11 months since my father suddenly died of a heart attack.He was only 68 years old. Since his death I have had to deal witht the theft of half his life's work stolen from myself and his family from someone I truly hate. I have never hated anyone in my entire life, but after this persons unholy behavior was revealed to me I couldn't help myself. Just last Friday it seems I will not have to sue this person for what is rightfully mine. Ever since then it seems now like I am finally free to grieve for my father. It's almost as if my father died all over again. I can't sleep. I can't plan for the future. I can't feel happy. Laughter use to come so easily to me.

I miss you dad. I wish you were here to help me get through this mess.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

4froggies

I completly understand where you are coming from, I am 29years old and lost my Dad 19 months ago to heart failure (He was only 55) and it was my 2nd Birthday in December without my precious Daddy and I felt the same, the days leading up to my birthday were hard, but my actual birthday was okay. We always used to go out for a family meal on our birthdays and it was always my Dad who arranged it for me.

I am 35 weeks pregnant and had a bit of a scare yesterday and had to go to hospital and I just wanted my Dad, my Mum and my husband were there but I really wanted a cuddle with my Dad and I couldn't, I'm very emotional anyway at the moment with the pregnancy hormones, but I really miss Dad's support. He always made me feel better and reassured and all thats gone since he left me.

I think about him everyday and some days I wake up and think he is still here, then reality hits and I realise my life will never be the same.

I have a website set up for my Dad where I write on it as if I am talking to him, It seems to help me.

Have a look its http://alan-muchmore.memory-of.com/About.aspx

take care

alwaysdaddysgirl

[ernurse99]

Michelle

wow your web page  for your dad is wonderful!!! what a great idea! i hope all is well with you and the baby!!!  may our dads live on in our hearts forever!

sarah

[dollface]

alwaysdaddysgirl:

I went to your website and found it very touching.  I mentioned to you before that I have been in your shoes.  I was 27 when I lost my dear father and am now 32 with a 2 year old boy.  Pregnancy was tough without daddy here to help me through.   I want you to know that even though we are half a world apart, I am still here to talk if you need an ear to listen. 

Something I just started about a couple weeks ago:       My son always wanted to see my locket that has a picture of my daddy in it.  I finally asked him if he would like a picture of his grandpa.  He said he did, so I copied a photo of dad and gave it to my son.  He now cannot go to sleep without it, and it's the first thing he grabs when he wakes up.  The photo isn't holding up very well after being chewed and drooled on, so I am going to check into having it put onto a pillow for him.  Just a thought that you may want to do for your new little one when he/she arrives.

I know you have alot on your plate right now, and may need someone to talk to that really understands-----e-mail me anytime.

Tracy

(daddy's dollface)