Loss of a Father

[mybellmeechel]

My father passed away on Christmas Eve day just after 12:00 noon. He was diagnosed with Brain mets only 32 days before. The only time I spent away from him was to take time to look information up on the net that did not make sense from what the Dr.'s were saying. Anyway, my question has to do with the out of town older sisters who swoop in and suddenly take charge. I am the last child born with two sisters 14 and 15 years older than me. They have seemingly turned on me like pit bulls. I realize that stress and grief and all that play into some. Although, it has not caused me to scream at kids and people and make big deals out of everything. The other day, one of my sisters was, in my face really close, screaming to me at the top of her lungs. My reflex took over and I slapped her across the face. I have NEVER done that to anyone. EVER@! I do not intend to blame it all on her, but I would not have walloped her had she been being nice!!! Your opinion please?

[hmtod73]

hello mybellmeechel. this is heather. did your father pass in 2004 or 2003?? i am not familiar with what your father was dx with. as far as your reaction to your sisters....i think what you did was just you reacting to a bad/hurtful and (in a way) "threatning" situation. a reflex. yes, stress and grief and all the different emotions do play a part in how people act BUT she should not have been in your face screaming like that. she should be mature and respectful and responsible enough to TALK WITH you. not scream at you. i don't know your story...i am just going by what you posted. it seems to me that, in all the situations i have encountered dealing with a loved one passing, there are family members who tend to make the already hard situation even harder. why is that, i do not know. or another situation i experienced first hand was when we had to auction off my grandfather's home and his belongings. relatives came out of the woodwork and they acted like i was their best friend. haven't heard from them since. anyway, have you and your sisters talked since that happened?? were you the primary care giver or wasn't that an issue?? is your mom still alive/ and /or with your dad?? may i ask your age?? hopefully, your sisters will realize that there is more to life (and death) than acting like out of control idiots and they will come to their sences and be able to handle things in a better way. i do wish you the best, heather

[reelaggie]

Hi My name is Brittany. My dad died in a tragic car wreck when I was 12. I'm 15 now. And I'm just now starting to grieve and mourn his death. I find myself crying..no one there to hold me and hug me and listen to me like my dad would. My mom is caught up with her new husband whom I dislike!! i feel so alone. I feel like none of my friends know what I'm going through and while I don't want them to, I do want someone to talk and listen to/with me. Nothing will bring him back, my daddy will only see his grandchildren and his daughter graduate and marry from heaven.

[lauraa]

Dear reelaggie,

It is so so normal what you are feeling now. Sounds to me that you were very close to your dad and that you loved him so much. Maybe it was to painful for you to express your feeling before now...god knows when you are stronger and when you can handle your pain best. There is a process and only you can do it the best way for you. Maybe you could get a really good friend to talk with or a guidance counselor at school or outside of school to talk with...it really does help to talk about your feelings and then you begin to realize that everything you feel is normal and you won't feel so alone. Always, remember you can keep writing us all here and we will all help you. My daughter is 12 and she lost her daddy 7 months and is not talking about her feelings of her dads "passing". It is to painful for her. Notice I say "passing"....he did not die...he just moved on to the afterlife and shed his body here on earth. They are always with us and have paved a safe road for us later when we have finished our journey here on earth. Remember, your dad is not sufering now and is safe and in a beautiful place. When I think about that I feel so much better. Feel my (((HUGS)))...Keep writing.......Laura

[sophie007]

I can relate to what you are all going through. My Dad just passed away on December 23rd. He was a smoker for years but he stopped. 6 months ago he was diagnosed with an aeortic annurism. He was operated on in April. He almost didn't make it. He was in the S ICU for 3 weeks. His lungs were a problem because he had COPD (damage to his lungs) but he made it through. He's been using a machine for lung therapy every 6 hours since then. His lung doctor said he was doing well but I didn't like the way he was breathing. I don't know what finally got him though because he also had diabetes and once suffered a silent heart attack. We didn't want to perform an autopsy because I didn't like the idea. The night before he seemed a little lost. We suggested to take him to the hospital but he kept saying later or in the morning. I should never had listened! The next afternoon around 1 I heard my Mom screaming. We all went in to see my father on the floor unconsious and turning blue. He just fell from his desk. Was it a stroke, a heart attack from diabetes...arithmias?, did his lungs fail?? I have no idea. When the ambulance came they gave him CPR and managed to get a pulse but he wasn't at all consious. At the end his heart gave out.....they couldn't help him but what caused him to collapse?? The night before when he fell asleep he was sleep talking and calling out names..... mainly mine ?? I feel like I let him down. I just want him back. All I have to say is that this is really hard. I understand what you are all going through and I'm praying that time helps us all.

[platinumblon]

In May, my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. They removed "all" of it and then zapped him with 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy, which did a number on my dad's physical health. He is bipolar depressant and the chemo caused his kidneys to shut down, which made him have an excess of lithium in his system. He "recovered" from all of this. He has been fighting for his life as long as I can remember. So many terrible things have happened to him, but he has always put on a happy face. And then on Dec. 30th I found out that his cancer had metastisized into his bones. The original prognosis was 3-6 months, but the doctor now believes that he will fall into a coma within 1 and die soon after that. I am 24 years old. I just recently had a son, the first grandchild. My dad will be 53 at the end of this month. He has been the most influential person in my life and now I will lose him. He was moved to a hospice facility today. I was informed that his digestive system has shut down. I find myself obsessing over what I'm going to wear to the funeral, because none of my clothes fit me with all of this extra baby weight. I never thought that I would be planning his funeral this year. Around the same time my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer, my grandma was diagnosed with glioblastoma (brain tumor). She has lived 7 months of her "1 year". I knew I would bury her this year, but I just can't describe what it's like to lose both of them at the same time. I didn't know this would be our last christmas.

[littlebug]

Dear Platinumblon, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I know it isn't easy. I lost my dad 10 months ago. And most of the time it still feels like it just happend yesterday. Spend as much time as you can with him right now and tell him how you feel about him and how much he means to you. You will be glad you did. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that God has a reason for everything and we sometimes are not meant to understand. This site really helped me and others go through the tough times. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Littlebug

[beccag]

On October 14 th of this year, we found out that my father had cancer all through his body and there was nothing the doctors could do but try to keep him comfortable to die!! My family and I were in total shock. He had gone to the doctors for back pain and in 2 weeks, we got that mind blowing news. He passed away 12 days later, on October 26 th! Thank god, I was able to see him everyday and was at his side when he took his last breathe. I am having such a hard time with it. It still does not feel real! When will my mind come to terms with him being gone?? I have 3 small children and two of them ask about him and wonder where he is. I tell them he is in heaven but how much of all that can a 2 and 3 year old understand? I am so glad to have found this site...finally someone who understands what I am going thruogh.

Rebecca

[hmtod73]

hi beccag, this is heather. my situation relates to yours a little because i have 2 young kids ages 4 & 1/2 and 2 & 1/2 yrs. surprisingly, to me, young children DO have a great understanding of things that we (i) feel are to complex. try them. explain things to them the best you can---- at their level. look at pictures of your father with them. tell them how much your father loved each of them. tell them your father is no longer in pain. tell them he is truely happy now. talk to them about your father----stories of when you were young. do this all the time---every day. it helped me and my kids and i don't want my kids to forget their "nonnie" (grandma). it is still so soon after your dad passed. things will not reach a "normal" level yet. it takes time. keep coming to this site because everyone here has some understanding of how you feel and hopefully we can help each other thru the hard times. heather.

[sweets]

Sophie007 - my father passed on 5th January in much the same way as yrs. Actually there are a lot of similarities. Dad was a long term smoker, had been dignosed with an aneurysm years ago and been operated on which resulted in continual lung problems and meant that he had to use an oxygen tank at home all the time. On the afternoon of his death he went to walk from the front of the house to his car but collapsed as he sat in the car. He went blue and to cut it short ambulance officers worked on him at home in the drive way for 20mins before being able to get him to hospital where not long after we were told he had passed. That morning he had complained of tingling in his arms so I'm wondering myself if it was his heart as well as he had already had one heart attack about a year ago. His funeral was yesterday. I feel like it hasnt sunk in yet that he's gone. Seems very surreal.

[sarahw]

I hope this isn't inappropriate, but mods, please feel free to delete it if it is.

My father died of heart failure on Oct. 15, 2002, just eight days after my "sweet" sixteen. It was a terrible time for everyone in my family; even though he'd had severe health problems the last several years, we had never expected him to leave us so soon. It's been a little over two years since he died, and only recently have I felt as though I've come to terms with his death and healed. So for those of you that are suffering from the recent death of your father, I can assure you that the pain you're feeling will lessen as time passes. You'll always miss him, and it will always hurt, but it will eventually become easier to bear, and you will be a stronger, braver person because of it.

When I was going through the grieving and healing processes, music was the only thing that could truly comfort me. Everyone is comforted by different things, but for me, I needed to both listen to and write music. Over the years following my dad's death, I wrote an entire album of material that revolved almost solely around his death. I've just put the entire album, called Child of Tuesday, up on my website at http://www.sarahwheeler.net for free downloading.

I'm not trying to promote my music. I just know how therapeutic it was for me to write the album and express all of my sadness, anger, and pain at his death, and I hope that it might be equally therapeutic for someone experiencing a loss of their own. I wish that I'd had this album to listen to when he'd died; maybe it would've helped me feel less lonely and isolated during my grief. I hope it can help some of you. You can download all of the songs at my site, www.sarahwheeler.net. The ones I wrote specifically about my dad are "Ladies in Waiting," "Lion King," "Glow," "Open Fire," "Daughter of a Ghost," and "Angels Don't Go Far, Do They?"

My brightest blessings to all of you during what I know is an extremely difficult time.

~Sarah

[beccag]

Hi Heather. This is Becca. Thanks for the advice. I have gotten two children's book and have read them to my oldest 2 girls and I was shocked at how much they did understand. Every once in a while, my middle daughter, Carly, who is 2, will ask where he is. And then I have to go through the whole story.....They are so kind to my feelings. When I am sad and crying ( which has been alot lately!),they comfort me. My oldest, Claudia, who is 3 , is taking it the hardest. She sometimes wakes at night and cries. When I go t get her she says she misses her Grandpa!When we visit the grave, she tells me she doesn't understand. I have pictures of him up everywhere and we talk about him almost daily. I do not want my girls to forget him. I am taking each day as it comes..some good , some bad....but everyday he is in my thoughts. I miss him more tham words can express.

Becca

[platinumblon]

I wrote something on this board earlier about my dad. He was still alive then and I was beginning to go through the stages of grief. That was only a few days ago and now he has gone. On Sunday, Dec. 9th my dad passed away from bone cancer. I'm 23 years old and he was only 53. His birthday is in a few days. The memorial service is Sunday. I'm having a hard time expressing my sadness as I think I'm still in a state of shock. They had given my dad 3-6 months to live 2 weeks ago. The time limit kept getting smaller and smaller everytime we met with a doctor until my dad was finally moved to a hospice facility. On Sunday I visited him and had this overwhelming sense that he would pass that night. He passed just minutes after my brother and I left. My stepmom was in the room with him. I am sure that he waited for us to leave so that he would not cause us more pain. I went back to the hospice to make the final arrangements and spent a few minutes alone with him. I have never seen a dead body that wasn't in a casket and it was a bit traumatizing. I did get to hug him one last time and tell him goodbye. I've been asking everyone I know what they believe happens after you die. I'm not religious nor have I really given it much though until now. I like to think that he can hear me and watch me raise my 3 month old son (his first grandchild). Luckily I have a very supportive mom and stepmom, both of whom are good friends. We have a weird family dynamic. My dad and stepmom always got along really well with my mom and contacted her regularly. I think knowing that no one had any bad feelings left with my dad makes this a bit easier. I'm sure I'll post here again after the funeral, but I think I need a few days of sleep, though that's pretty impossible when you have a small baby.

[reelaggie]

Lauraa-

Thank you so much for your comments!! Knowing that there are people who I dont even know that care about me is trully amazing. I've grown alot since my dad died but in good ways. I would give anything to talk to your daughter, because I do know what she is going through. I remember, even to this day people saying "Oh I understand" NO ONe understands!! (or atleast thats how i felt) At 12 I wanted to talk but had no one. Not that I know you or your daughter but I'm always here..y'all can always email at reelaggie@aol.com also. I feel that God placed my dad in a better place so I could serve as a witness to his power. God's power and strength is what has gotten my through the rough times that I've dealt with. I want to do WHATEVER I can to make someone who has expierenced what I have be just a little more comforted by knowing that they can talk to me at anytime, when they feel the world has turned away and left them alone. I say this and want to do this because this is the exact way I felt for 3 solid miserable years. But it does get better through prayer, communication and relationships!! Love y'all all and jist remember God is ALWAYS there through the best and worst!!

[KCMOCABY]

PLATINUMBLN,

IV BEEN IN YOUR SHOES.. YES I DO UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION. MY DAD DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF CANCER ALSO. I MEAN WE KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT WE THOUGHT WE HAD TIME. PLEASE E MAIL ME IF YOU\\\\\\\'D LIKE TO TALK.

C.MOCABY @ MCHSI.COM

I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH AND YES I BELIVE HE CAN HEAR YOU . I TALK TO MY DAD QUITE OFTEN AND LATER IF WE TALK I WILL TELL YA SOME STORIES THAT PROVED IT TO ME. BUT DONT BE SCARED TO TALK TO HIM HE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON AND HE IS SO MUCH BETTER OFF NOW. HE IS HAPPY AND FEELING GREAT. NO MORE PAIN OR SADNESS. ITS SO HARD FOR US HERE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND YOU BECOME STRONGER WITH TIME. THERE IS NO ONE THAT CAN TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE IT AND NO ONE CAN SAY HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE, JUST BE YOUR SELF AND DONT HOLD IT ALL IN . TALK TO SOMEONE, AND CRY WHEN YOU NEED TO CRY. NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU A DATE WHEN YOUR GONNA FEEL BETTER SO DONT EXPECT THAT. YOU TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED TO GRIEVE. IT WAS ABOUT A YEAR BEFORE I COULD TALK ABOUT MY DAD WITH OUT TEARS EVERY TIME. OF CORSE I STILL CRY, BUT IM HANDELING IT BETTER AS TIME GOES ON. E MAIL ME AND ILL ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO LISTEN, CUZ I KNOW WHAT YOURE GOING THROUGH... CAROL

[hilly52]

Hello to all. I came here because i am feeling somewhat down . I lost my dad last year , in January, to prostate cancer. Now i am faced with the challenge of taking care of my elderly mom who had a stroke several years back. I usually maintain a good attitude and that is because i have learned to accept the good and bad that is given to all of us. I lost my way for awhile and stopped talking to god, but now i feel ok and started to realize that the world is still a beautiful place and god is good. We all need to fight through our grief and remember we still all have blessings in our lives.

[cb2222]

I haven't posted in so very long, I feel terrible.....I may be in a bit of denial and just want to take a break from the madness of my Dad's illness and his choince to drink instead of helping himself and spending time with me and my children. So I think of you all often and wish you all peace this New Year!!!

G - I hope all is well with you, and I think of you so often. Thank you so much for all your kind words and very supportive advice, I will treasure all of it forever! Happy New Year!

Sillygirl - I also treasure all that you've given me, the friendship, the love and the sincere faith that i can do this, Thank you!!

Kim - Life is so busy with kids,husband, homes....as you probably know my situation the best, but somehow we drifted....BUT your kindness has and will never be forgotten, Thank you for understanding, I wish you a better New Year!!!

INDIGO - THANK YOU FOR HAVING SUCH AN AMAZING SITE IN WHICH I'VE CRIED, LAUGHED, CRIED AGAIN AND MET THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.....THE BIGGEST AND WARMEST HUG TO YOU!!!!

Sincerely, C

[marina]

Hello all... This is my first time here. I'm in search of a place that can help easy my pain and frustration.

I Lost my father to cancer in may of 2000. A little over 2 months after I got married.

My father was the best father in the entire world. He was sweet, funny, energetic, everybody just loved to be around him. I truly believed that there was nothing my father couldn't do. I felt safe, loved, protected. I had the perfect family. My mom and dad had been married for 36 years and I have 2 wonderful brothers 9 and 10 years older than me. My dad was a healthy strong man until he was diagnosed on march of 99. He had a surgery to remove his stomach but it was already too spread. He started loosing weight fast. I was engaged to an American (I'm from Brazil) so in July of 99 I had to come to the US with him to start the paperwork for our upcoming wedding (Planed for July of 2000). I was in contact with my family all the time and talked to my dad on the phone everyday. In one of this phone calls he told me he was coming to see me. It was January of 2000 and he told me that his doctor told him that if he wanted to see me he shouldn't wait much longer. So in Feb. 00 my parents arrived. I was sooooooo happy to see them but I was so shocked to see my dad. He was skinny and frail. My strong, healthy daddy needed help to get into our car. It broke my heart. He was so worried about the way he looked, he was going to meet my fiancées family for the very first time.

We took him to a cancer treatment center but the doctors just kept repeating what the doctors in Brazil had already said "only 2 to 3 months left". Do you know how much it hurts to hear that someone you love with your everything is going to die soon?!?! It was unbelievable. I tried really hard not to cry in front of him or my mom, I tried to be happy because I knew he wanted for me to be happy.

So in face of what the doctors said we decided to get married sooner. In my mind there was no point in have a ceremony if my father wouldn't be present to give me away.

We got married on March 14th 2000 and my dad was there to walk down the aisle with me. Right after the ceremony we took my dad to the hospital where he was to have another bloodwork and receive an IV to help easy his nausea.

I remember one night, we were seating in the kitchen and he hugged me and said how happy he was, "now I want to see my grandbabies! (there was a pause and then he said) Oh, I guess I'm not going to actually see them" We hugged and smiled and joked. I always told him that it wasn't over until it was over. And he would just smiled at me.

In late April my parents had to go back home. My father could tell that the time was running out and he wanted to see my brothers.

It was the most painful day of my life. It was the first time he cried. (I cannot imagine how painful it must be to look at your child and know that it is the last time you're seeing her, touching her, I can barely think about all the pain by dad was going through and how he was always positive about everything) I'll never forget looking at him being taken on a wheelchair by the airhostess, he was looking at me and waving so calmly. I held the smile on my face until they turned into the airplane, then I collapsed. I had held it together for so many months and now my heart was bleeding, my entire body was aching. I cried so very hard and so did my husband. We just hugged and cried until the airplane moved. I was never going to see my dad again. I cried all the way home and all night long until I could talk to him in the morning. And we talked everyday until one day mid May when he called and said: "I'm calling to say goodbye" I joked and said "No way dad!!! We'll be there in a month and we're going to see each other again!" The next time I called he couldn't talk anymore. My mom would put the phone to his ear and I would say how much I love him.

Then at 7pm on May 20th 2000 the phone rang like it had almost everynight but this time I just knew it. My brother told me our father had just passed away. I curled in the bathroom and cried so hard I didn't even hang up the phone. My husband came and hugged me and comforted me. I just didn't know what to do. My father had died but there was no funeral for me to go to, no family to hug, It just felt so wrong to just lay down and go to sleep like any other night. So I asked Eric to take me to a church and there I prayed for my dad but also for all of us that were still here I prayed for Him to help me accept this great loss. There was a book for writing prayer requests and I wrote something for my dad instead. And to this day I cannot remember what I wrote. I've tried many times but there is a blank in my mind. I supposed I thanked him for being the best dad a daughter could ever have, told him how much I loved and how much I was proud of him and that I really hopped to see him once again. I don't know if that was what I really wrote but it is what I would like to say to him right now if I could. I'm just thankful that I was a good daughter, there are no regrets in my heart, I told him daily all that he meant to me. He knew how close me and my mom were so he was certain we would never be alone.

As hard as it was the night he passed away it was nothing compared to that night at the airport when I felt my heart be taken out of my chest.

My dad was very graceful through the whole thing. He never complained. he said many time how grateful he was that he was able to accomplish all that he wanted, he had married the woman of his dream and had the chance to raise his 3 kids and see them get married and start their own lives. My mom told me that at the end when the pain was getting worse he said that he wished for his time to come because he was ready to go.

I miss my father very much. Almost 5 years have passed and it's just not going away. At the beginning I remember being relieved that he was gone and no longer in pain. I remember repeating and telling my mom that we had to be grateful that he was 60 and had a chance to live his life.

But as time went by I stopped believing in my own words. He was 60, he was ONLY 60!!! He was robed of so many years and so many wonderful moments. Why couldn't he be here when my daughter was born??? Why do I have to show a picture for my son to know his grandfather??? I think of my children and of how much they will miss because my dad will not be a part of their lives.

I'm mad, I'm really mad, I'm mad a cancer and I'm mad at God. I'm terrified of dying, terrified of loosing someone else and I know it will happen I just don't have a clue how I'll be able to handle another loss. I think of my mother, my brothers, my husband, uncles and aunts. I'm afraid to see my family erased one by one. I think of my kids and I am certain there would be no life left for me if anything were to happen to one of them.

I have a picture of my family at my grandmothers house, my brothers were little, I wasn't even born yet. I see my grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and I think that they were living then what I'm living now and so many of them are already gone. Makes me realize how short everything is. I dreamed so much of having my own family and now I do and it feels like soon I'll be a picture on a wall. It just hurts too much. It hurts more everyday because I'm finding hard to believe that there is something after here. I don't know, if you stop and actually THINK this whole idea of heaven just feels impossible. How much I want to believe I'll see my dad again, how much I want to believe that I will not be all alone when my day comes. But I don't and I feel terrified and suffocated. I feel trapped. Nothing I can do can change the way things will happen. And at the same time that I so truly don't believe in life after death I pray everynight for God to forgive me if I'm wrong.

I hope each and everyone of us that are here searching for some kind of peace find closure so that we are able to enjoy our lives the best we can without fear or sorrow.

thanks for reading my story.

[platinumblon]

The funeral yesterday was beautiful. The eulogy was funny and sad and perfect. Today, I got out of bed and took my son and boyfriend to the store. I'm glad that I have them to keep me sane. I'm feeling a bit preoccupied with visions of my dead father. His face was so cold and lifeless, yet his body was still warm from his high fever. My dad was an artist and I think that we are going to put together a gallery opening. He always wanted that, but we could never afford it. I miss him so much and wish he could see my son take his first steps and speak his first words or pick up his first paint brush. I wish he could have made my wedding rings and walked me down the aisle. It's overwhelming to think that I can't call him or see him.

[lauraa]

Dear Marina,

I cried when I read your post....I can totally understand everything you say and are feeling. You must be so frightened because many years have gone by and you are still struggling...I think that is all of our fears here. You sound like a really beautiful person! I think it must also be hard to be so far away from home. I can relate to alot of what you said. I lost my husband, mother and father all in 6 months time last year. My dad besides my husband was my best friend and shaped me into the person I am. It was horrible to see him loose weight and weaken...he handled everything with such grace and dignity. I remember the last time he came to my house which was 800 miles away he could barely walk but he made the trip so he could see me one last time...when he left it was one of the saddest days of my life and my husband was sick and sobbed harder than he ever had in his life....he also felt helpless for me because he couldn't comfort me as he knew how bad I was hurting....that was one dark day, Now, I have to say the last 8 months since my husband has "passed" have been the longest and darkests days of my life. I have learned alot about life, friends, neighbors, family, death, grieving and much more. I never knew how many tears a body could produce. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't think people understand unless they have been thru anything like this themselves. I have to stop myself now when I get really upset because I know for sure my husband would not want me to be sad...but it isn't easy and I still cry everyday. I also have been reading alot and have to understand and have proof that life does "go on"...I truely believe that they did not die, they just shed their physical bodies and I think they are always with us and they are not in sickness or pain. Also, I think they have found god's glory and are rewarded for their lives and are with him....it is totally peaceful where they are....and, they paved a place for us so when we meet again. I really do believe that and it has helped me tremendously...I went to a medium who did not know me from Adam and told me things she would not have known and she also told me he was fine and disease free...absolutely without a doubt and is always with me....It has helped save me and aided me with my grieving, There is a book that is helping me called, HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Bill and Judy Guggenheim...it doesn't cost much and helps....Please keep writing and know we all do this in our own way and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. We are all here to help each other so please keep expressing your feelings. I miss my loved ones more with each passing day but I am trying to think of all the good times and that we will meet again and it is helping...God bless you and please know you are in my heart and prayers.....Love, Laura

[stephienoelle]

I would like to share my story: my sister and I lost our best friend when we lost our father. We couldn't eat right or sleep for months, as he died suddenly in a tragic scuba diving accident. We are getting stronger day by day and we have since started an organization to help unite those of us who have suffered deep loss, and to also give those people who might not know a glimpse into the factors at play in one's life. Like most of you, when I lost my father the entire outside world seemed to stop. Nothing mattered anymore. I wanted to wear a big sign that said "Be nice to me, my heart and soul is broken." We hope that our beads, these symbols of loss, can bring us strength and hope by sharing stories and making friends-- whether it's a quick glance and a smile or a hug and invitation to share in healing.

http://www.metoo.org

Please, check out our website and pass it on to others. Best, -Stephanie

[Mege73]

Stephanie!!! I absolutely love your idea & your site. I have just barely looked at it and I can already see how great it is. THANK YOU for sharing. They are so beautiful and touching it is giving me chills. Actually it is making me cry as I go though the site. Thank you. I lost my dear dear father in a car accident on Sept 3, 2003. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I felt like saying the exact same thing, " Be nice to me, my heart and soul are broken."

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank you. I will be buying alot of these to give to my dear friends who have lost apart of their soul.

With Compassion and Hope, Meg

[ntjustamemry]

I lost my dad to cancer on november 7, 2004. my heart aches at the thought of living the rest of my life without him. I cry when I think about how as he battled this disease, I often prayed to God and asked him to end his suffering. And as God wraped his arms around him and took him home, I suddenly relized that 25 years just wasn't enough time for me to have him in my life. I miss his laughter, his dry jokes, his silly pictures he loved taking of the family. How I long to have all of that back. Not just for me but for my husband and my 9 month old son as well. I must do all I can to assure that the memory of my father is alive and powerful particularly for my boy. If he grows up to be half of the man my dad was,I will be a proud mom. I miss him so.

[gmurak]

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for your loss,

Fathers Day has not been easy for me for 21 years. My dad passed away in 1984, and I have been struggling with his loss. I have been speaking for 14 years and have often referred to my late father as a continued source of energy and inspiration for me. Audiences have been encouraging me to write "Our Fathers Who Art in Heaven and What They Continue to Teach Us". I published a sneak preview last year for Fathers Day and I gave a speech to initiate the project. My vision is for the proceeds from the full book, which will be coming out this April, to be used as an educational and inspirational resource for those who have lost their father.

I'm planning on organizing a Father's Day rally in Buffalo, NY.

If you were to attend a rally on Father's day in line with the Vision, what would you like to have happen on that day?

Feel free to post your comments here or in my blog

http://murak.blogs.com/ourfatherswhoartinheaven/

http://www.ofwaihf.org/

Thank you in advance for your comments.

[pugcrazy]

I lost my dad to cancer on november 7, 2004. my heart aches at the thought of living the rest of my life without him. I cry when I think about how as he battled this disease, I often prayed to God and asked him to end his suffering. And as God wraped his arms around him and took him home, I suddenly relized that 25 years just wasn't enough time for me to have him in my life. I miss his laughter, his dry jokes, his silly pictures he loved taking of the family. How I long to have all of that back. Not just for me but for my husband and my 9 month old son as well. I must do all I can to assure that the memory of my father is alive and powerful particularly for my boy. If he grows up to be half of the man my dad was,I will be a proud mom. I miss him so.

You are so right.....25 years is NOT enough! I lost my Dad after 35 years, and I was expecting to have him around a lot longer than that. My Dad passed Oct. 2004, after only 12 days of batteling cancer. He was my best friend, my hero, and everyday is just like that last...more heartache. I know, those 35 years were filled w/ love, laughter, and wonderful memories that I will cherrish FOREVER, but it's just not that same, is it? I want him here! It's still such a shock to me, and I'm sure, it will always be. My Dad was soooo full of life, I just miss the daily talks we had and his funny ways of looking at things. My sister, who posts here, has three small children ages 3, 2, and 1, and I know she's worried that her children will forget our Dad. But, like you, we will keep his memory alive and they will know what kind of man he was and how much he loved them. When our Dad was sick, and we would visit, we thought the kids were "bothering" him, but he said..."don't make them leave the room, I want to see their little faces"....and he did. We spent everyday w/ him, till he took his last breath. I know the pain is real..just go w/ it, feel it. I've found that when I'm really down, and the tears come, I try to follow it up w/ laughter...thinking of all the good times. It seems to dull the pain for me, and gets me through till the next time. We all talk about our Dad as much as possible, and we have a very close family to run to in times of need. I can't even imagine what it's like for our mother, who's more or less, alone. But, we do what we can for her, and always will. Just remember all the good times you Dad and you shared, "talk" to him about them, and let them live on through you. Take care, and God Bless.... Hugs, Allie

[sharons]

I extend my condolescenses to all of you. My father passed away six weeks ago on Dec. 20, 2004 and I still find myself crying out of the blue; I simply can't believe that dad is no longer here on this earth. It's just such an empty feeling. My father was 90 years young and had been ill with heart disease for 20 years; so he was fighter from the getco and had beat the odds time and time again. My familyalone just expected him to come through the illness that struck him down on Thanksgiving day...it wasn't to be. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for having him in my life for so many years; but life will not be the same without him. We worry about my 85 year old mother and how

she will cope alone for the first time in 66 years. Am hoping that time heals all of us . Be blessed.

[manolian]

My Father died in the company of my mother of 82 yrs of age and myself 51 yrs old on November 15th 2004 at approximately 7:55 am in his home, he was 76 years old. He had been under home hospice care for 12 days after battling bladder cancer that mestasised in the liver since March of 2003.For 3 months before he died my mother And I took care of him 24/7 as his cancer made him weaker and weaker .

This has been the most horribly morbid and deeply sad events of my life.

Today almost 3 months after his death I have flashbacks of the events that ocurred every day, they come at any time of day .My condolences to all on these message boards,I now know the horror and sadness that I never wanted to experience in my life, The suffering of my father thru his battle with cancer and his fear of and not wanting to die.As one of his friends told me \"the only consolation you can have is that he no longer suffers\".But still I miss his presence and his essence every day now and problably always will.

[onlygirl]

I lost my father in December, 2004. I feel like many of you, exhausted beyond belief. I go through the motions of what I need to get done. I run the kids where they need to be, I cook, clean and live life. I reply to people, \"Oh, I am doing okay, and really, it is better that he is gone. He was in such pain.\" My dad suffered six long years with colon cancer and it progressed in a way that no one, not even his oncologists, had ever witnessed. It was brutal. I had the honor and privilege to be with him almost everyday for the last 4-5 months. I would help with ADL\'s, we\'d sit and talk, hold hands, pray, listen to music. I can\'t even begin to tell people around me how much I hurt inside. I know he is better off and I know how blessed I was to have the most amazing man for a father, but I am stricken with this grief. I know it will lessen in time, but oh, how I miss him. I am trying to act strong for my mom because she is having a heck of a time and I almost think she feels like it doesn\'t bother me. But the truth is, I am acting like that to help her. All I know is that I am sorry for how I acted when friend's parents died. Never in my life did I ever think this would be so difficult. I would have tried to talk to them more.

[sharons]

My Father died in the company of my mother of 82 yrs of age and myself 51 yrs old on November 15th 2004 at approximately 7:55 am in his home, he was 76 years old. He had been under home hospice care for 12 days after battling bladder cancer that mestasised in the liver since March of 2003.For 3 months before he died my mother And I took care of him 24/7 as his cancer made him weaker and weaker .

This has been the most horribly morbid and deeply sad events of my life.

Today almost 3 months after his death I have flashbacks of the events that ocurred every day, they come at any time of day .My condolences to all on these message boards,I now know the horror and sadness that I never wanted to experience in my life, The suffering of my father thru his battle with cancer and his fear of and not wanting to die.As one of his friends told me "the only consolation you can have is that he no longer suffers".But still I miss his presence and his essence every day now and problably always will.

[sharons]

My Father died in the company of my mother of 82 yrs of age and myself 51 yrs old on November 15th 2004 at approximately 7:55 am in his home, he was 76 years old. He had been under home hospice care for 12 days after battling bladder cancer that mestasised in the liver since March of 2003.For 3 months before he died my mother And I took care of him 24/7 as his cancer made him weaker and weaker .

This has been the most horribly morbid and deeply sad events of my life.

Today almost 3 months after his death I have flashbacks of the events that ocurred every day, they come at any time of day .My condolences to all on these message boards,I now know the horror and sadness that I never wanted to experience in my life, The suffering of my father thru his battle with cancer and his fear of and not wanting to die.As one of his friends told me "the only consolation you can have is that he no longer suffers".But still I miss his presence and his essence every day now and problably always will.

[mallie]

I lost my Dear Dad January 11, 2005. I'm in a daze, numb ... I can't make myself believe it. I look at his pictures and still it doesn't register with me what has happened. When I start to make myself realize what's happened, I won't allow myself to go any further. Maybe a defense mechanism to shield me now from the reality. Dad was my shelter all through life ... my Mom suffered with mood swings when I was a child, the precursor to a diagnosis of bipolar. I didn't understand that when I was younger and Dad always protected me during those times. He was in the military and gone a lot and those were tough times when he'd be gone for so long. Maybe that's why I don't want to realize that he's passed away because of this. He was never ill until back surgery complications back in 2001 and he never went home after that ... had one setback after another and pneumonia set in and he couldn't battle back from that. People don't seem to fully realize what I'm going through and they think that I should be moving through this more quickly than I am. It's as though to many of my friends, life just goes on but not for me. As others have said here, it's like going around in a daze, in shock ... the body is here but the mind is elsewhere and I feel as though a weight's around my ankles and I have to force myself just to keep going. I might have to seek grief counseling because I'm starting to become really depressed and having physical symptoms ... this is so profound unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. My children and other family members don't seem to be having the same experience in dealing with this as me ... I think they don't want to talk to me because I'm having such difficulty, but I can't help that. It's like someone said here, your world stops ... others just can't understand that. I do have some very supportive and caring friends that do know what this is like, so I am blessed to have them and this messageboard as well, to share with others how devastated I am. I guess when a parent reaches the age my Father was, you feel that they'll always be here ... and you don't ever want to think they won't be. My poor Dad, how he suffered there at the last ... my sister, brother and I around his bed praying as he'd asked. He couldn't even speak but he knew we were there and held my hand so tightly. My sister would say, "everybody's here" and that's what he kept saying as best he could ... and then a sense of peace came over him. While holding my Dad's hands and my sister on the opposite side of the bed, she said, "Sissy, you have Dad's hands ..." and I do ... and every time I look at my hands now, I think of that moment ... and of my precious Dear Dad.

[hmtod73]

dear mallie, i am so sorry. you are only a month into this grieving process. give yourself time. and if you feel that you need to talk with a counselor, then do so. it will be helpful to you. it will be a very bumpy road but it will smooth out. it just takes time and love and support and understanding. talk with your family and friends when you/they are ready. we all heal at a different pace and in a different way. continue to come to this board. we all have a good understanding of your feelings. my dad is still here but my mom passed one yr ago. she was very sick and we watched helplessly as she suffered. be thankful that you and your family were with your dad. you were able to give him what he wanted. cherish your memories. keep him alive in your heart, your thoughts and in family conversations. life is about changes, nothing ever stays the same. there has been a big change in your life and now (in time) you will find a way to continue with your life and to learn to feel somewhat "normal" again. it will happen. some people do enjoy looking at photos of their loved one, some people like to read books related to death and dying and the such, some like to have a small memorial space in their house for their loved one, some like to read poems or listen to music, some feel better spending more time in a church and praying. you will find something that helps you. keep your chin up, i know it is hard. but you will make it. we are all here for you, to talk with and to listen. best wishes to you. heather

[mallie]

Dear Heather ... thank you so much for your post about my Father and for caring and understanding. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother's passing and I truly do know what you've been going through in dealing with your loss. Just as you mentioned, I have put together an album of all Dad's photos and there are so many as Mom has given me all the family photos and I put them all in date order when I received them and then just placed all those of Dad in an album to share with the family. Dad was the family photographer and we have so many wonderful memories because he took time to do that. I look at each photo and think back about the events surrounding each and every one, at least those that I can remember back to about age 4. I found some letters and cards with notes that I've placed in a scrapbook, too. When I read the words, I feel his spirit so strongly within them and he had such a wonderful sense of humor and a positivity that all the family and his friends loved about him. Many times when I'd feel down, he'd bring me up, helping me to focus on the cardinal birds and white squirrels that filled my grandmother's yard (his Mom's) when we'd visit in North Carolina. He wouldn't allow me to dwell too much on my problem but lifted me out of it. He was so strong ... mentally and physically. He fought in 3 wars an won the Purple Heart and the Distinguished Flying Cross ... he faced incredible odds every time he'd go on a mission. But you'd never know he'd gone through anything like that because he was always so cheerful and positive ... what an amazing man my Dad is. I miss being able to call him at the nursing home and always happy, no matter what ... the nurses said they'd never seen anyone that never complained about anything and they all loved him. I've also made a special place for him here in the house and that really helps ... I will do more reading as you suggested. I journal about him and just wrote a poem yesterday, which maybe I'll share here one day. Because of Dad, we were able to travel overseas and to many states ... he was very adventurous and so full of life and always will be. He cherished live and lived it to the fullest because having served in so many wars, he knew that each day was precious and tried to make me realize this. Thank you, Heather, for sharing and for caring and helping to realize that I'm not going through this alone ... and I am here for you and for everyone else grieving for their beloved parents. God bless you, Heather, for taking the time to help me through this most devastating time in my life. As you said, this all takes time and I'm giving myself what time I need and will seek counseling if that becomes necessary. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in the passing of your Dear Mom.

[RobinRenee]

Dear Mallie,

Your descriptions of your dad remind me so much of mine. Daddy was the “Rock of Gibraltar” in the family. Mother was chronically depressed for as long as I can remember. Daddy had such a love of life, I really could never imagine a world without his presence. He never complained. He was always thinking about other people. Lines and lines of people I didn’t know came to his memorial service.

I think his greatest legacy to me was contentment. He was happy wherever he was and in whatever situation. As I live my life, I find myself thinking, “Now what would daddy do in this situation?” Sometimes I even ask him, and I feel as if I hear his voice inside my head.

He passed through the veil August 18, 2001. I still feel his presence clearly, but I do miss him physically. He was just a wonderful, inspiring person to be around. I feel so fortunate to have had him for a father. What a blessing that is!

I wrote an article about Daddy. Here’s a link to it.

http://www.care-givers.com/DBArticles/pages/viewarticle.php?id=684 You’ll probably have to copy paste. I don’t think these messages have live links.

Robinrenee

http://www.spirit-sanctuary.org

[mallie]

Dear RobinRenee ... yes, I agree that our Fathers were very similar. I love how you put everything so beautifully here. Especially about asking your Dad things and feeling as though you hear his voice in your head, so do I. I know what you mean about missing him physically, though ... but that you do feel his presence, so do I. In fact, my computer hard drive was damaged ... back in November and I wasn't able to get it fixed for a long while, several months. Well, finally received the new HD and I wasn't in the mood to work on it, to switch it out by myself, although I knew I could do it as I'd studied back when it happened. But after Dad's passing, I forgot everything but felt that having it up and running would be helpful in my grieving by staying in touch with everyone and visiting wonderful sites like this one. Anyway, I was in a daze then, my body here but mind somewhere else but I just kept going, more or less on autopilot ... not really knowing what was happening. But I kept feeling that Dad was here, saying "you can do it" and so i closed the case and knew it would work ... and, of course, it did. I so felt his presence at that time and I feel him with me wherever I go now. A dear friend told me she experiences the same thing as she was very, very close to her Father, as well. I know what you mean, too, about your Mom have the mental issues ... it was so hard, especially, when Dad would have to go TDY in the Air Force (temporary duty) sometimes for months and that was a tough time for me but I kept thinking of Dad and I knew I'd be fine until he got back. He was like you said, "The Rock of Gibralter" for me and for so many in our family. Also, I've been reading some of the entires in the guestbook and some left emails and so i wrote them. They've all written back telling me things about whe he was in Thailand during the VN war for those 3 years ... and it's so wonderful to hear these memories of Dad, like little puzzle pieces of part of his life when he was away from us. Wonderful to share our love of Dad with his friends. I love and miss Dad so much ... as for you, I just couldn't imagine a world without him. My sister kept saying I should've been prepared for this ... but I never wanted to think about losing him because he was always so strong and able to battle back from everything in life but this pneumonia was just too much for him. He'd had back surgery in 2001 and so sedentary trying to recover and lowered his immune system. Oh, it's so heartbreaking because he had such high hopes for him. My Dad will be laid to rest in Arlington national Cemetary on February 28 and my husband I are flying out for, as our many of his friends and family. he will receive full honors and he so deserves that for his military service. What an emotional day that will be for all of us but knowing that his wishes are being carried out to be laid to rest there gives me a sense of peace. But I so miss him and wish he were still here physically ... but as you said, he is with me ... in Spirit. Thank you RobinRenee, for your beautiful post. I'm going to check out your link now and read about your Dear Dad. I've been wanting to do a Memorial for my Dad, too ... and when I complete it, I'll send you the link. God bless you, RobinRenee... ~~Mallie

[lauraa]

Hi Robin Renee, Heather, Mallie and Everyone else,

I also feel the same about my dad. He always looked on the bright side of everything and we thought alot alike...I always knew what he would say and I always felt the same way. My father, mother and husband all did within 6 months of each other and it has been 9 months now since I lost my husband...I find that I am going thru so many different stages and sometimes many all at once...it's the hardest time I have ever been thru. To accept the fact that they are gone is so hard. I just can't believe how life has changed and I will never see him again. We really did have one of those really unique marriages and I miss him more and more everyday. How can I ever feel good again and go on with a positive attitude like I always had. I hate feeling so bad and fighting to feel good....nothing matters anymore, except my children! How does one get over this horrendous pain and loss???? I hate this whole process. My friends tell me I will find joy in my life again????? How?????Years of planning and goals all went up in smoke. I just don't know how my kids are handling this so well??? I'm just in a valley right now. I wake up in the middle of the night and just can't believe my husband is gone and I want to just believe it's all a bad dream. When I'm driving I can't believe he is gone. Anywhere, I can't believe that I will have to go on without him....I don't even have my dad now to go to for support to help me thru all this....It is so hard to pray! It does help to be able to put my feelings on this site and I thank you all for listening. I thought I had a strong faith and foundation but I am really angry right now. Thanks for listening!...Laura

[ntjustamemry]

hello everyone, It has been exactly 3 months today since the passing of my Dad. everyday I wake hopeing that today will be the day that I finally accept the passing of this wonderful man. And everyday I realize that I am far from acceptance. Maybe some of you know what I feel when I say that everyday I look at his picture and get angry because that's all that is left, his pictures. pictures of my family with him. pictures of him and I on some of his better days during his battle with cancer. I know many will say that I have memories and that may be true, but you know what I want so much more than just his memory and pictures I want my Dad back. I want to sit and laugh with him. I want to listen to his jokes. I want to be able to turn to him when I need advice.I feel so lost with out him. Life just is not the same any more. I miss him so much and I do understand that I must do what it is he would want me to do, live life to the fullest and care for his grand baby. At 29 years age, I had always been Daddy\'s little girl, then on a cold november morning, I suddenly found myself thrown into womanhood/adulthood, because Daddy was no longer here. how I long to be Daddys\' litle girl again . may God bless you all.

[notalone]

This is my first time posting a message on this site. I can relate to so many of the postings. Tomorrow will mark the 3 month mark of my father's death and I am still trying to cope with this loss. My father was diagnosed with cancer early last year and past 3 weeks after my wedding. I find some comfort in the fact that he was able to walk me down the aisle. But I am still very numb about his death. I had to pull myself together because I wanted to be able to still be a loving wife and not bitter over my father's death. I miss him very much. I went back to work the Monday following his death. I don't know why I feel so calm about his death. I get mad alot but I snap out of it pretty fast. I can only think that God has given me this peace.

[RobinRenee]

Dear Mallie,

So much that you talk about I can relate to. I even had a situation with my computer where I know Daddy helped me.

I hesitate to even tell this because you don’t know me, and this really sounds looney tunes. But I had a near death experience with I was 18 months old, which left me with some brain injury, and I frequently see and hear things that most people don’t. I write a lot of articles LOL, and I have one about my NDE here if you want to read about it: http://dying.about.com/od/ndeaccounts/a/18monthNDE.htm

Well, I’m a computer newbie, and last year I built a web site. I did have some help from a programmer that charged $70 an hour. But I worked on things a loong time before I considered consulting him. I’m a stubborn do-it-myselfer and an Irish penny pincher

One day I was having major problems with my java script (I think that’s what you call it.) I entered the information I was supposed to upload to the server. It didn’t work. I did it again. It didn’t work again. I carefully checked my information and uploaded again. It didn’t work. I struggled with this all day long... 10 hours long. I decided to quit fooling with it for the day and wait until tomorrow to try again. Tomorrow...the same story. Late in the afternoon, I was exasperated, frustrated, exhausted, angry, and cussing.

With a combination scream and whine I said, “Daaaddy! What am I doing wrong?” And believe it or not, my daddy appeared not more than three feet from me. He was holding a piece of paper out to me. Now, both Daddy and the piece of paper were transparent. In other words, they were not real. I knew that as well as you know it.

But on the piece of transparent not real paper was a line of chicken-scratch-looking java script. Now this kind of stuff happens to me some times... you know... NDE oxygen-deprivation induced hallucinations. So I calmly looked at the chicken scratching, and I said to Daddy, “That’s what I put on notepad.” Daddy shook his head and said, “No, it’s not.” So I wrote down the line of java script on another piece of paper because the one Daddy’s holding isn’t real. I changed one of my lines of script and uploaded it. Yeah, you know it worked perfectly.

Had to share that with you after your computer incident... robinrenee

[RobinRenee]

Hi again Lauraa,

I’m so sorry you’re having such a painful time with your grief work.. I know some days you feel like you’ve been “body slammed” by grieving. Your father, mother, and husband all within 6 months... any one of them would have been hard, but 3 loved ones. And the years of planning and goals with your husband were suddenly jerked away from you. Try to be patient with yourself... and allow yourself to let out the sorrow, and pain, and anger.

How are your children doing? They lost their grandparents and their father in such a short time.

“I just don't know how my kids are handling this so well???”

Laura, are they hiding their feeling? They may be trying not to give you more burdens. Sounds like you and your kids might need to have a screaming, crying getaway. Other cultures scream and wail and physically express their pain and sorrow. Scientists have learned that tears of grief are full of poisons (corticosteroids) your body is trying to get rid of.

You and your kids take care of each other…robinrenee

[mallie]

hello everyone ... you know I just recently started posting here and when I read that you are all going through what I'm feeling ... well, before coming here, I thought that I was alone in my thoughts about my Dad. maybe it's just that so many are hiding their feelings when discussing them face to face but on here, everyone can share openly what they're experiencing and that we all have come here with the same feelings and we let them pour out knowing that they'll be understood. Just like some have expressed anger, well, I'm trying to deal with that but I was angry about events surrounding this surgery Dad had in 2001. Thinking whether this surgeon should've even suggested he undergo such a risky thing at his age but then he was physiologically much younger than his years but because his bones weren't as strong and he had complications one after the other, I wondered if all the proper tests were done beforehand and his surgeon was so brusque with him, especially after he went into the nursing home ... Dad brushed it off as his demeanor but I had bad vibes. He was living in another state and so I couldn't be there all the time through those 3 years. My stepmom has a nursing degree and her daughter, too, so felt that all was being handled well and I guess I just have to believe that it was. It's like my sister told him of the risks but he said he knew and wanted to get it over with and then go on to have a normal life to walk again and do the things he loved. It just seemed so unfair ... it breaks my heart and I'm still trying to make some sense of all this. I'm so depressed missing him and I'd call him at the home every night and hear his cheerful voice and looked forward to that. I do feel his presence with me wherever I go but as was said, I do miss his physical presence ... his great sense of humor, his positivity, his strength. I call on him, too, just like you did RobinRenee ... because I feel he's watching over me and guiding me just like he always did. I'm still numb ...still in disbelief, as I said, I look at pictures and still it doesn't register. I just stare off into space and not connecting with what's going on in the world all the time. I do try but there are those days when, I just have to withdraw to myself, which many do not understand but it's what I have to do. My Dad loved the song Waltzing Matilda that he came to love when on TDY in Australia ... we were singing that around his bed in the hospital ... and I found a sight with the lyrics and music and just singing along with it helped me to feel better because I could feel him close to me. I've had a tough day today ... as little by little, reality hits me, I just break down and cry out for him. I can hear him say that he's near and will stay by me and not let anything happen to me, just as he did when I was little. (As I type this, I got the chills ...) Thank you everyone for posting and sharing as you are helping me through my grief as I hope that I am for all of you. ~~Mallie

[hmtod73]

hi mallie. in your post you said that your dad loved the song waltzing matilda............ well, my pap (grandfather) would play that on the organ at home and my mom just loved it. i love that song too. also, about a week before my mom died, i was lost with my feelings and emotions. i knew what was happening but i wanted to not think about it in hopes that it would not happen. my mom was in the hospital and was unresponsive. i was so upset and i found myself looking for my music cds with certain religious songs on them. i did not want to hear the songs on the radio. i wanted those certain songs. well, i found them and played them constantly. now, looking back, i realize that all the songs i needed to hear were the ones that were played/sung at her funeral. they made me feel better and still do. thanks, heather

[mallie]

Hello Heather ... I know what you mean, I feel the same way when I sing the songs that my Dad loved and songs that I can remember hearing when I was only about 9 years old when we'd go up to my Grandmother's house (my Dad's Mother) and on the way, we heard this song The Green Door in the car on the way there and I still remember that song and my sister, brother and I heading to NC to see Grandmother and hearing that song. Also I've been singing What a Friend We Have in Jesus a lot because that's why my Grandmother always sang and it just keeps her so close to me. And with my Grandmother,who passed away in 1995, every time I open a jar of strawberry preserves, I cry because I'd spend summers with her when I was a child and we'd go picking and she'd make her own jelly and it was so delicious and that just takes me right back to those days. I can even remember her playing this one record Buttons and Bows by Bing Crosby, I think ... I was only about 8 or so then. But isn't it amazing that when we hear certain songs, the memories that flood back. Dad was a big fan of Dean Martin and I sent him a CD to the home and the nurses said, he just lit up when they played that ... so, of course, when I hear any of his old songs, I think of Dad. Speaking of music, I was telling a friend tonight that years ago when I was going through a tough time and was having trouble resting he would say ... play some soft music and that always helped. Yes, Heather, music has great healing power and good therapy in our grief, especially when it's the music that evokes so many memories of our loved ones. During an especially rough day, out of the blue Waltzing Matilda came into my mind ... I just started singing it over and over and felt at peace. I guess it really wasn't out of the blue, God knew I needed that help me at this time. Thanks for sharing, Heather. ~~Mallie

[lauraa]

Dear Robin Renee,

Thanks for responding to my post....My kids have thrown themselves into school, sports and friends. I try and do most of my crying when they are not around but somoetimes I can't hold the tears back. They make it clear to me, especially my daughter that they do not want to talk about their feelings. My therapist says that is normal and we just need to keep a watch on them and I bounce problems off of her for advice....that is helpful. She says it is to painful for them to look at right now. Also, she says they are probally somewhat relieved that they don't have to see their dad suffering anymore. It will come someday when they are ready to deal with it but it does worry me. We do talk about their dad just not how they feel. They won't. So I just support them and watch. This grieving process is so difficult. "I KNOW WE GRIEVE AS DEEP AS WE LOVED"....that is the hard part and that makes it so hard to accept what has happened. I realize there is a process that we all have to go thru....I am trying the best I can to survive this and keep my family whole and together and collectively we are doing a really good job, it's just so hard with so many different emotions, problems, etc....Thanks for listening!

Laura

[ntjustamemry]

Today I sat down and thought about the death of my father a little over 3 months ago. I can recall his final days with us. I remember the day before he passed ,going to see him. The cancer had spread to his brain in an extremely rapid pace which caused him to see things that were not there. He couldn't find comfort. He would sit up in his bed. Hold his head, lay down. My mom would ask him "honey what do you want to do?" he would helplessly reply"I dont know." My heart ached because I watched my dad loose the one thing he always needed control. Control of his life, his thoughts, his memories, his motor skills. My father was such an intelligent man. I would be amazed at the things he knew. He was an intense thinker. And in his final days his mind no longer belonged to him. The day before his passing, I found comfort in the situation because through all of his confussion Before I left I told him "Dad I'm going home now I will see you tomorrow Ilove you" and my Daddy said "Lain I love you, J.c.(my husband) and baby too I just don't tell as often as I should" I was so lucky to be able to share this momentous moment with him.on the day of his passing my husband and I went down to see him .As my husband walked into his bedroom to see him, my father looked up and extended his hand to my husband as if he were passing the role of head of the family to him. My husband cried the moment this happend. We all knew that my dad was leaving us soon.I miss him so. May God bless you all.

[onlygirl]

ntjustamemry,

I just read your entry today and I admire how you are dealing with things. My father is just gone about a month and a half and while I think about him, I don't think, really think, about him. It is constantly on my mind that he is gone and I miss him like crazy but I just won't allow myself the time or opportunity to just dwell on what has happened. I am very matter of fact about it...yes, he has died, and this is so very different for me because normally, I am a very emotional person.... but I won't let myself feel that pain. I know I need to do that but I am afraid if I do, I won't get a grip! The longer you put that off, just the remembering, the harder it will be. I guess this may be the denial phase you hear about. Anyway,I do appreciate your post and I pray you find peace.

[ntjustamemry]

Onlygirl, i just read your entry and I can totally understand where you are coming from. My twin sister was in total denial of everything that was going on in my Dad's life and now things are very hard for her. She has allowed anger to fester inside of her and she has become an exteremly bitter person. Our relationship has been severely affected by this. It saddens me because I know that this is not what my Dad would want for the family. Everytime I attemt to talk to her about this she says that everyone copes with loss in different ways. This is true but until she comes to terms with the nessesity to mourn she will continue to be consumed by this anger. When my Dad was alive I never allowed him to see me cry. I would stay strong infront of him because he spent alot of his final days worrying about us (the family) I wanted him to see that he taught me well. I was the woman he wanted me to be. I was as responsible as he wanted me to be. I thought similarly to the way he did. Some how this was comforting to him. but every time I went home to my husband I broke down. It was such a hard thing for me because I knew that everytime he spoke to me he was preparing me to assist in leading the family. Grieving the lose of your Dad is a very important thing. My Dad was a man of dignity and respect. he was a very private man. He was, as I wrote in my previous text, a person who needed to maintain control. If there is ever a time i feel unsure about something ,I find myself asking myself, How would daddy deal with this situation? He is now and always will be my strength. Allow your father to do the same for you. Allow him to show you how to find peace in this situation. Look deep with in yourself and he will give you the answers. Why because you are his daughter and an extention of him.

[ntjustamemry]

Mallie, I can totally understand what you are saying about sudden memories. This morning A commercial of all things triggered the memory of dancing with my dad as I stood on his feet. What a wonderful thing. Little things like plaid shirts and ice cream remind me of my dad. Although at times I get angry because I'd so rather have my dad then just memories of him, I am greatful that I at least have those memories to bring a smile to my face reguardless of how short the smile lasts, due to the following thought of my dad being gone. I pray for your comfort and peace.

[keshia1]

Hi everyone I haven't posted in a long while and today I just feel the need to share my grief with you all. Some days I can except that my dad is gone and other days I put him in the back of my mind and try to keep him there as if he were still alive. It will be a year and what a horrible year in April and I miss him like crazy. I can relate to all of you. My problem is that I really don;t think that it was his time to go. He died so suddenly and unexpectedly. I couldn't tell you all where I am in my greif stages or even if I've started grieving yet. I have cried but not constantly, every now and then it will hit me. Could anyone share some advise or uplifting words to help me through all of this confusion, because I am hurting deep inside and this pain is longing to come out. Thank you all for listening.

[ntjustamemry]

Keisha1, hi . I just read your post and I believe that what your feeling is so normal. I believe that as humans it is natural for us to gravitate toward what makes us feel good and almost try to avoid that which makes us sad. It has only been three months since I lost my Dad and I try to keep myself extremely busy to avoid any real down time. down time allows my heart to take over my mind and I am flooded with thoughts of my Dad. The relationship between a father and his daughter is such a powerful one, as many who post on this site may be able to recognize. And when one of the pieces is lost to this magical relationship, We are left with broken hearts. what helps me from time to time is to think about how lucky I was to have been blessed with 25 years of joy with him. Looking back now life may have been so different if this wasn't so.