A week ago today...

[Peanuts mom]

I would like to introduce myself... I am Peanuts mom, of course Peanut isn't his real name, but that is what everyone calls him... Alex just turned 17 on June 30th and had so much going for him... He was to start his senior year of high school on Monday as well as his first day of college... He is an all around good boy, he played baseball, had a girlfriend for over a year, did fairly well in school and had a job, he saved every dime he made until he was able to purchase his own car... He wanted no help with that purchase as well as wanted to be on his own insurance, knowing it was going to cost him a fortune... I offered to help, but his response was always, "mom you raised me all alone for all these years, i want to do this, so one day I can take care of you"... His schedule was always full... I often reminded him to slow down and enjoy being a kid, but he always said he could handle it and was okay... He is my world, everything I did was for him... We have such an awesome relationship... Many friends would comment about how they never met a 17 year old boy that would still sit on his mommas' lap or snuggle on the sofa with his mom, but thats exactly what he did... He never left the house without telling me he loved me... With the purchase of this car came many fears for me and ultimately that car took his life... On August 22, 2012 two police officers rang the doorbell in the early morning hours to tell me there had been a fatal car crash that ended my sons live along with another boy and another who survived without serious injury... I grieve for not only my family but for the family of the other boys as well... I believe I am still in the shock phase and reality hasn't sunk in... I have had so many friends and family surround me this past week, i feel as though I can not breathe... I am so thankful for this support during this time, yet feel as though I need to be alone so i can process everything that has happened...

[Jeff's Mom]

I would like to introduce myself... I am Peanuts mom, of course Peanut isn't his real name, but that is what everyone calls him... Alex just turned 17 on June 30th and had so much going for him... He was to start his senior year of high school on Monday as well as his first day of college... He is an all around good boy, he played baseball, had a girlfriend for over a year, did fairly well in school and had a job, he saved every dime he made until he was able to purchase his own car... He wanted no help with that purchase as well as wanted to be on his own insurance, knowing it was going to cost him a fortune... I offered to help, but his response was always, "mom you raised me all alone for all these years, i want to do this, so one day I can take care of you"... His schedule was always full... I often reminded him to slow down and enjoy being a kid, but he always said he could handle it and was okay... He is my world, everything I did was for him... We have such an awesome relationship... Many friends would comment about how they never met a 17 year old boy that would still sit on his mommas' lap or snuggle on the sofa with his mom, but thats exactly what he did... He never left the house without telling me he loved me... With the purchase of this car came many fears for me and ultimately that car took his life... On August 22, 2012 two police officers rang the doorbell in the early morning hours to tell me there had been a fatal car crash that ended my sons live along with another boy and another who survived without serious injury... I grieve for not only my family but for the family of the other boys as well... I believe I am still in the shock phase and reality hasn't sunk in... I have had so many friends and family surround me this past week, i feel as though I can not breathe... I am so thankful for this support during this time, yet feel as though I need to be alone so i can process everything that has happened...

First of all...let me tell you that you are not alone on this journey. Please come and join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. Sounds to me as if Alex was a pretty mature young man. I am so sorry for your loss. We are here to help and offer support. Hope to see you soon. (HUGS)

Kate

[Peanuts mom]

When does it begin to feel real... I feel like i am just going through the days, just waiting for "it" to hit me... I am to return to work on the 18th and yet I am so scared that it will hit me while there and I wont know what to do... I have yet to go into my sons room, but know that i should... Will this help me make it a relization?.... I just dont know what to do... I feel like im just being strong for everyone else and afriad to break down for fear that i wont stop...

[tantraman8]

When does it begin to feel real... I feel like i am just going through the days, just waiting for "it" to hit me... I am to return to work on the 18th and yet I am so scared that it will hit me while there and I wont know what to do... I have yet to go into my sons room, but know that i should... Will this help me make it a relization?.... I just dont know what to do... I feel like im just being strong for everyone else and afriad to break down for fear that i wont stop...

Dear Peanuts Mom,

My son, Josh passed away on April 25th of this year. Please be GENTLE with yourself. My grief in the aftermath of Josh's passing has been the most painful, difficult journey I've ever had to face. Four months later, I have times when I break down (tonight) and other times (most of the time) when I walk around in a mental and emotional hangover where time feels altered/stopped and where it feels like I'm moving through life but not really in it.

Early on ( actually I'm still early on) I was blessed with the truth that "there is no way I can do this wrong." BUT, I have lost sight of that and felt the same fear, the " I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I HAVE BROKEN down, deep heart sobs, and then they stop, and then I don't cry for days. I went back to work on May 21st, almost a month after Josh passed. For a while the structure of work helped, having people to work with helped. And.....as of last Friday, I'm on Family Medical Leave. I went from 40 hours a week down to 32. I found my body was exhausted and I needed more "non work time" to rest and to heal.

BUT, it still doesn't feel real for me......and I think that's OK...I think I need to get the "realness" in stages. I don't think I could handle the realness all at once. Maybe, part of it not being real, is so that you can heal safely. The loss of our kids is SO HUGE. Not feeling it all the time may be mercy at the level of the body and the spirit. This site really helps me. Getting reality checks, having others here respond to me with understanding and compassion has been a lifeline.

BE GENTLE with yourself. There is no way you can do this "wrong." Glad that you are here... not for the reason.... but that we can support each other.

LOVE,

David

[MBN]

Hi Peanuts Mom, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my 18 year old son in a car accident on June 7. It will be 3 months tomorrow.

Our situations are similar -- I lost my son very abruptly, in a car accident that left him dead and the other three teenage boys in the car with him essentially unharmed. The car that Nathan was riding in overturned in an Everglades canal and Nathan drowned before rescuers could reach him. Nathan had just graduated from high school, was going to start college last month, and had his whole life ahead. To say we are devastated is an understatement. It changes everything.

I think it becomes "real" on different levels over time. Certainly on an intellectual level, I understood he was dead. I saw his body in the ER. We had his funeral. But, in my heart, I kept expecting him to breeze in, toss his keys on the kitchen counter, and ask what's for dinner? It's only been a few days for you, and I know it takes much longer to fully process what just happened. I'm still processing myself. Most of the time I feel fine, and feel that I've reached a level of acceptance. But then, something will hit me. I was looking at the kitchen counter and noticed the hooks that hang underneath, the ones that hold our Christmas stockings. There are 4 hooks, but now we only have 3 people (myself, husband, and older son who is currently away at college). I started to cry, trying to fathom what I would do with Nathan's stocking -- hang it anyway? Don't hang it at all? Either choice seems unbearable. It's little things like that ... the grief comes in waves. The good news is that it isn't like that all the time. The desperate feelings of grief ease.

Will it hit you at work? Maybe, but it's OK. Work is both good and bad. Good in that it gives me structure, distraction, and a sense of normalcy. Bad, in that I'm not fully functional really ... it's hard to focus and I'm not as productive as usual. Fortunately I have an understanding workplace. One thing to expect is that everyone will want to come to you initially and share their thoughts of sympathy. That was the hardest part for me - it was heartwarming to see how much others cared, but it didn't give me a respite from thinking about my loss. If you cry, people understand -- even expect it. I don't know what kind of work you do, but having a chat with your boss up front may not be a bad idea. Most supervisors are understanding and can cut you some slack. I've had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom. I've shed tears at my desk. For weeks, I cried every time I drove back and forth to work because I had time to think. I kept a Kleenex box in my car. But most of the time, the work was sufficient distraction to keep me together. And it has gotten better -- although as TucsonDavid has described, I struggle with more-than-usual fatigue and underlying sadness. It's not clinical depression, it's just a general feeling of sadness and loss that ebbs and flows. Grief saps an unbelievable amount of energy.

There's no rush about going into your son's room. You can wait a while. At some point you will feel ready to deal with that. I don't know that it will make it any more real or not -- I think only time does that.

Hugs to you and prayers from another grieving mom.

[Angel'sSon]

I'm with Peanuts mom....It's been a month today since my son passed away. I stay in a world of my own with so much going over and over in my mind. When does it become to be real!! Recently I can't even cry, even though losing my son is all that I think about. We were so close. I feel like I'm still in a daze or just a numb feeling! I don't understand anything anymore. I want my son to be here, it's almost like he isn't gone or I'm trying to convince myself he is still here. I feel like that sounds crazy. I just love my son!!!!

[shorty16]

Angel and Peanut's Moms

Yes, one month is just a blink-of-an-eye when we lose our child. At 1 month, I was still begging and pleading with anyone who would listen to tell me this really did not happen. Brian did not die in that car crash. At 1 month, I was still waiting for Brian to walk through the door.

Brian died 6-19-2008, a week after his junior year ended. He was 16 - one month from 17.

Please be kind to yourself. Your mind, body and soul are going through a terrible tradegy.

Those of us that walk this road before you are here to tell you how we did it. It has been over 4 years and my family is learning to live again. That took a long time and alot of soul searching, and forgiveness that was hard to do.

Right now, all you can do it take one breath at a time, one moment, one blink at a time.

Be kind to yourself

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Angel'sSon]

Colleen, during this past month I still don't believe it's happened and my son would never, ever put a gun to his head and that would be gone. You mentioned at 1 month you were still waiting for Brian to walk through the door. I'm still waiting for a text or phone call and for him to come over and visit. I've picked up my phone and started to call him. Then I'm like what am I doing!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!

[Peanuts mom]

My son pased away 4 weeks ago yesterday and i still feel like it isnt real... I returned to work on tuesday because everyone thought it would do me good, but I am so miserable there... I feel as though I am just going through the days without much emotion... I keep thinking people are looking at me like I should be doing something different than what I am doing... My husband (not my sons father) is fristrated because I dont want to make love and I cant give him a reason why other than i just cant right now... Its like people are expecting me to be or do something, yet I'm not quite sure what that is... I feel so lost... As much as I hate saying it, i feel like I just dont know how to grieve... Does this make any sense...

[Angel'sSon]

I lost my son on Aug. 15th, 2012, so this doesn't seem real to me either. I don't work and I hate to say, that if I were working, I don't think I could handle it. I'm feeling during this grieving process that I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I think feeling lost has to be a normal feeling. I see my neighbors laughing and talking and I used to join them, but I can't laugh or hardly smile. I can only tell you that people grieve different. My problem is I cant cry and I'm feeling guilt over that. I don't understand. I've been told that I'm still in denial. I have everyday to think and it's thinking about my son. I hope someone on here can help you with the fact that you don't know how to grieve. Thank goodness, my boyfriend knows how I feel, since he lost a girlfriend 6 yrs. ago to cancer. All I know to do is take one day at a time and it's getting worse! I hope someone else will answer your post, because it will help me too!