Members MBbabygirl1770 Posted August 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Im not even sure where to begin. I just know I need to get this out. I need to know im not alone! My name is Dawn. My fiance killed himself last Monday. His name was Mike. He just turned 42 in July. I will start by telling you my story. Mike and I were friends for 3 years. We started a relationship 6 months ago. Our relationship grew fast and we were on the fast road to a happy life. He has 3 children from a previous marriage, and I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. Our children grew strong bonds over the last 6 months as did we. We spent the whole summer together and did alot of family activities together. We were planning on getting married and we were about to move into a house big enough for all of us. He had custody of his 3 boys and I have custody my of 3 kids. We were a big family and our happily ever after was just getting started. About a month and a half ago, we found out we were expecting our 7th child. Something we had planned to do and we were so excited about, us and the kids! You can imagine our families werent thrilled about the situation. With 6 kids already, they were worried about a 7th and how we would do it. But we didnt let it affect our happiness. Mike worked for an entertainment company here where we live. He was a DJ/MC. One of the best in the business! He worked long hours and weekends were few and far between that he was with us. He made great money though and we all knew how hard he was working for us. He also had a rough past. He was a recovering addict. The divorce he went through was terrible. He was adopted as a child. His adopted parents divorced when he was a kid. And of course raising 3 children on your own isn't easy! He suffered with chronic back pain. Surgery 10 years ago on his back left it's mark and he was in constant pain on a daily basis. He attempted suicide twice in the past. It was before i knew him and while he was going through all the problems with his ex wife. I didn't find out about it until recently. 3 weeks ago, he text me from work. He was depressed and was threatening to end his life. I took the threat very seriously and met him at his job. He was taken to the local hospital in their CPEP department for the night. I was so angry with him because before I met him at work, he sent a suicide text to his 14 year old son along with a few of us. When I picked him up the next day from the hospital, i screamed at him for what he had done to his son. I told him how bad he scarred his son. That everytime he left for work now, the poor kid would worry if he would come back home or not. I was so mad at him for it! That is something a child should never have to see from their parent. I also screamed at him that what he was doing was selfish and what would we all do without him. I told him how his boys looked up to him. He wasn't just their dad. He was their best friend, their hero, their world! I explained to him that his kids would be left with nothing if he left them. Their mother can't care for them because she is a drug addict. He was all they had in life. He explained to me how he was just tired of living in pain all the time and tired of struggling with his addiction, tired of feeling the stresses of every day life. But he was seeking help in all aspects and promised things were gonna get better. He also had been recovering from a heart attack back in March. We had a rough few weeks after that. His emotions were all over the place. one minute he wanted the baby, the next he didnt. One minute he wanted to marry me and the next he didn't. It was very frustrating for me. I didnt know which way to turn and had felt as though I lost my best friend and soul mate. This pregnancy was very hard right from the beginning. I was very very sick and have lost alot of weight because of it. On the 14th of August, after spending the entire summer together, all of us....Michael asked me to take my children home to my house and give him some time alone with his kids. I did as he asked and was completely against it! I figured, we were already playing the family role and didn't feel it was fair to the kids to do what he wanted, but I did it anyway and gave him his space. We argued alot that week. We just couldnt seem to get along with eachother. On friday, the 17th....he got home from work at around 1am. He called me, told me he missed me alot, and asked me to come over. I went there. We spoke a little about everything that was going on. We agreed at first that things had to stop. We had to stop fighting and get along with eachother and get back to the happiness we were at just a week before. We made love that night. After, I laid on his chest, as i did all the time. The sound of his heart beat would always relax me. I looked up at him, he was crying. I asked him what was wrong. He said, he still needed more time and that he was going to miss me so much. I immediately got upset. I cried and walked out of his house without saying goodbye and feeling used. For the next 2 days, we went back to a constant arguing. He worked all weekend and we didn't get to see eachother or talk much. Sunday we started to talk rationally to eachother. He still wanted time away from me and my kids. But we were confident that we would work things out and be okay. He text me from work in the early evening. The text said, "I love you, im done." I immediately took that as a suicide threat and started calling and texting him. He wouldnt answer. Eventually he answered me and said, " i will find my way in life, no death threats baby, im good, no worries." So I texted him back and asked him to please come over after work. I told him we wouldnt talk about anything, just sit and watch a movie and relax after a stressful couple of weeks we both needed it. He didnt respond. I ended up falling asleep. At 230am, I received a text from him again. It woke me up. It said, "i will always love you." Not thinking anything of it.....I text him back and just said "prove it" and went back to sleep.Monday the 20th....early morning, I get a call from his ex wife. She asked if I had heard from him because he didn't show up to pick up the kids from her. I called and text him and no response. I got in my car and went to his house. His truck was outside, so I figured he was drinking at the wedding he DJ'd the night before and was still sleeping. I went into his apartment and into his room. He was nowhere! I checked the whole house and outside in the sheds. I couldnt find him. I waited a couple hours figuring he probably just left with someone. Early afternoon I went and picked up his boys from their mom. I brought them home and stayed with them. By 3pm we still hadnt heard from him. We made a missing persons report and sat and waited. I spent the whole night with all 6 kids and we all snuggled together in his room waiting for him to come home. The next day, still no word from him. His step mom came upstairs and told me to take my kids and go home and relax. she said if they heard anything they would call. The boys were so upset I was leaving. I didnt want to leave but she was forcing me to. As soon as I got home, i got a call from a friend....she was by mikes house and saw his family outside and cops everywhere. I got back in my car and raced over there. They had found his body. Directly behind his house was an industrial parking lot. He was found just over his backyard fence hanging from a tree. I was beside myself! Not wanting to believe it was really him. Even seeing his dad cry when he came home from the crime scene and identifying his body, I still didnt want to believe it was him they found. I cried for days! I couldnt stop crying. I still cant stop crying! I blamed myself thinking if I would have just stopped fighting with him, if I would have just listened to him, he wouldnt have done this. Im an EMT...and I see stuff like this all the time. Normally, I dont have feeling towards it. Normally, I get angry at these people because I feel its a very selfish act and the cowardly way out. However, this time it hit home! I didnt think god would ever do this to us! Between the both of us, we havent had the perfect life. We've been through so much in our pasts. Things that noone should have to endure. I never thought god would put something like this on us too! It was a life lesson that we couldve done without! As an EMT, I feel guilty that I wasnt there to save him. This past weekend was his funeral. I went to the wake thursday night. Everyone was so cold to me, except his dad. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to see. The man I loved with every piece of my soul was gone and I couldnt bring him back. Friday morning, I woke up to go shower and get ready for another day of torture at his wake. His father called me early, and asked me if I please would not come back to the funeral. He said him and his family dont blame me for anything, but his ex-wife, (mikes mom), and her family does and they dont want me there. I was so heart broken. Not only has god taken away the love of my life, but now im to blame and I dont even get to say goodbye.His dad ended up getting me my own private viewing of him. And I got to say my goodbyes to him. I looked around the room and seen all the flowers, pictures, and love everyone had for him. Pictures of him with everyone.....except me! Like I didnt even exist in his life! They even had picture of him with his ex girlfriend. Not a single one of me and him. I ended up putting pictures of us and the sonogram pictures of our baby in his jacket pocket. I know it sounds selfish, but I didnt want him to be buried without a piece of me. I laid my head on his chest and looked up at his face, crying and smiling, I leaned over and kissed him goodbye. It's been a week since he died. And i know thats not alot of time. It feels like forever! Every day gets harder and harder. I have so many questions unanswered. So much anxiety. So much pain!! Pain I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy! I am now 10 weeks pregnant with our child and i am so confused on what to do. My family tells me I shouldnt have the baby. I have no ties to him. They took his children away from me and wont allow me to talk to them. His dad who was supportive through all of this, isnt supportive anymore and wont return my calls. My parents say I should abort the baby and go on with my life. Get back to taking care of me and my kids. And as great as that sounds, it's not that easy! This baby was made out of our love for eachother. I never did believe in abortion unless a woman was raped or a girl molested.....something like that qualifies for abortion. Not a baby that was made out of love and got dealt a shitty hand. This baby is all I will have to remember him by. The only piece of him I have left! I keep having dreams of him and the baby. And I feel he is trying to tell me to keep the baby. However, at the same time.....I think to myself.....can I raise a baby and my other 3 on my own? Can I do all these doctors appointments without him? Can I deliver this baby without him? Can I do the 3am feedings all by myself? Can I explain to my child why daddy isnt here anymore? Can I let go of him without letting go of this baby? Will I have to worry about the baby having issues when it's older and have to worry about my child making the same bad decision? Then on top of all those questions.....the stress ive been under....is the baby ok? My parents had to give me xanax the other night to stop me from shaking and panicking. Did that hurt the baby? I have no appetite.....not that I havent tried to eat, but with the little amount that I can eat....is the baby ok? Ive lost so much weight over the last 2 weeks. I looked int he mirror yesterday and couldnt believe how bad I look. I look anorexic. I have a doctors appointment this week to make sure the baby is ok, but my world is flipped upside down right now and I have no idea how to fix it or what to do!!!!On top of all this.....I still have so many questions for him! WHY???? Before the last month, Mike was such a happy person! He loved life and all it had to offer! Thats what attracted me to him in the first place! He loved to make people smile and truly made an impact on all lives he came into contact with! He was so loved by everyone! I cant get over why he did this! Why he put his sons through so much pain! They were his life! His everything! Why did he leave them?!! And am I really to blame for this?! Did he kill himself because of all the fighting we were doing? I know he was still happy about the baby....the monday before he killed himself we went for a sono. He saw the babys heartbeat and almost fell out of his chair! We had dinner at my moms that night and he was so excited telling everyone he saw the most beautiful thing in the world today.....his daughters heartbeat! No, we dont know if its a boy or girl, but he wanted a girl. He has 3 boys and wanted his little princess! So what pushed him over the edge?!! I think about the crime scene too! I stared out his windows all night that night. How didnt i see him there? When he was hanging there, was he facing the house? Were his eyes open or closed? What was he wearing? Was he crying before he jumped? Was he mad before he jumped? Did he defecate on himself? How long was he there for before he decided to make this decision? Why when I checked the backyard for him, why didnt I find him? I know all these questions sound so sick and twisted, but I cant help myself! These are questions I will never have the answers to! He took my whole life away! I had truly thought I found my forever! And he took it away from me! Some days im sad, some days im angry, and some days im just ok. I feel lost and empty inside! Id give anything just to have 5 more minutes with him! Anything to turn back the clock and save him! I know how insane my story sounds! And I wish it wasn't true! I have dreams of him at night and I wake up to a nightmare every day! Its the most horrible feeling i have ever felt and I feel like at this point, I will never get over this! My children miss him terribly too! He was so good to them! They loved him so much! And they miss his kids as well! I dont want anyone to think I am suicidal either. Im not! Nothing can ever take me away from my children! Especially now, after feeling all this pain, I would never put my children through such a horrible tragedy! Im just confused as to what I should do with my baby and how I move on from here! Thank you all for listening.....sorry about the book I wrote, but I wanted to be thorough! Sincerely,Dawn(DH.....MB's babygirl forever!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cant move on Posted August 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Hi Dawn I'm so sorry for your loss. You're right suicide is an act that makes sense only to the one who commits it. Please know that you are not responsible, even if you feel there were signs you feel you should have recognized, the mind plays tricks on us to display signs that sometimes were not truly ever there, just something our minds make up in order to give us a logical answer. His family lashed out at you wrongly in a misguided attempt to shift their grief in a direction away from themselves. IMO you would probably benefit with councilling and if you could possibly find a face to face support group. But please remember above all you had no part in his decision, and I'm quite sure that if anything could have truly been done to prevent it you would have done it. I've lost friends, family, and fellow soldiers to this but that is not comparable to losing a spouse or partner in this manner. There are others you will find here who have experienced what you have. I also believe that only you know the right thing to do in regards to your baby, and I would support whatever decision you make. This was a terrible thing to have happened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members paulaj Posted August 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Dear Dawn,I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. There is no way you could have recognized the signs. His appeared to be having mood swings. If someone is determined to commit suicide, they will find a way and you can't stop them. He sounds like he was chronically depressed, could not think rationally, and saw no other way out. Only he knows what he was running from. Past demons coming back. You are in no way responsible for his act. None of us are that powerful. I lost my mother to suicide in 1990, and the first emotion I experienced was anger. Whatever you are feeling now is normal. As for the pregnancy, only you can make that decision. When you're this emotionally stressed out, and your health and sanity are on the line it is doubly difficult. If you can, try to write down the pros and cons of the situation. You are asking some good questions. Whatever you decide, you have my support. Sincerely,Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MBbabygirl1770 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you both for your reply. I wish I could bring him back. The pain is surreal! And I feel like every day I wake up to the same nightmare with more problems to deal with. Problems he left me to deal with. I get angry sometimes but somehow I cant hate him. I want to hate him because i think it would be easier for me to deal with. But i can't. I know the real person he was. I knew the goodness and kindness he had. And if he was himself, he never would have done such a thing. My heart aches to think about how much pain he felt to think this was the only way out. My pain is unbearable, but still couldnt bring myself to do something so violent. It breaks my heart to think his pain was worse than mine and I couldnt help him. And the thought of my pain lasting for months, years even, scares the crap out of me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mdanielson4 Posted August 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you both for your reply. I wish I could bring him back. The pain is surreal! And I feel like every day I wake up to the same nightmare with more problems to deal with. Problems he left me to deal with. I get angry sometimes but somehow I cant hate him. I want to hate him because i think it would be easier for me to deal with. But i can't. I know the real person he was. I knew the goodness and kindness he had. And if he was himself, he never would have done such a thing. My heart aches to think about how much pain he felt to think this was the only way out. My pain is unbearable, but still couldnt bring myself to do something so violent. It breaks my heart to think his pain was worse than mine and I couldnt help him. And the thought of my pain lasting for months, years even, scares the crap out of me!Dawn,I wish there was answers or some easy way to bring our lovedones back. Believe me I have tried tothink of anything that might help ease the pain, or even answer the questions thatare left. I have been told on different occasionsto keep a ledger, I have found this to be much better. Writing down what you are feeling and to getthe support of the people that come here. It is very nice because they truly understand what we are all goingthrough. Many are dealing with the samefeelings and can relate to the emotions we are going through. I have found much comfort from the kindpeople that live in these public boards. They mean a lot to me, they have consoled me when I was at the bottomand given me some hope when I thought there was none. It truly helps me reading these posts.Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shesmyridehome Posted August 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 29, 2012 What you are going through is a terrible thing. It is common to be estranged from the family of your lost love one, and all too common to be the victim of false blame and irrational allegations after the initial shock. Damn girl, I feel terrible for you with your loss and the uncertainty of your future. its brand new for you, and It does get darker so be sure to form a support group even if it is online. DO NOT try to get through this on your own, or I promise you will go crazy. Feel free to pm if you do need to chat with another lost soul who is going through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted August 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 29, 2012 dear dawn, my name is val. Please accept my sincere condolences for this tragic senseless untimely loss. Know you are not responsible for this. I am a recoverying alcoholic and know my past too harbors all sorts of demons, some i just have learned to accept, others i still deal with. This is truly the most tragic post i have seen and i felt the need to respond. IMO, this is bigger than you - seek out a counselor, use support groups -this forum is a great place to start: you have started by sharing your story. My husband died in his sleep July 5. I still cry everyday. EMTs, trained though they are are people first, the EMT part is what you do. So of course your emotions are all over, and then to feel unfriended by his family on top of it. You have suffered multiple losses here so please go talk to a grief counselor and stay active in these forums. You need all the support you can get right now. I too would be so confused carrying your unborn child. I can't even speak to that point. You see, although my ' husband' and i were together ten years and recovered from alcoholism together, we never officially married. the lack of a marriage cert. brings with it lack of certain rights. for instance, I am not listed as next of kin, jerry's brother who never paid him much mind, is. i am having a hard time even getting a final death cert. I will pray for you and you must pray too. You will get through yet another day, i have been day by day, minute by minute surviving. that's the best i can do at this point.i will keep you in my prayers, val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MemphisMargaret Posted August 31, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 What you are going through is a terrible thing. It is common to be estranged from the family of your lost love one, and all too common to be the victim of false blame and irrational allegations after the initial shock. Damn girl, I feel terrible for you with your loss and the uncertainty of your future. its brand new for you, and It does get darker so be sure to form a support group even if it is online. DO NOT try to get through this on your own, or I promise you will go crazy. Feel free to pm if you do need to chat with another lost soul who is going through it. First don't get an abortion...that IS your baby and the part of him that he left for YOU. It may not be easy but I think you will be so glad to see him in that baby. Next...the hard pill to swallow is that HE did this to himself and you could not have stopped it. His mind was made up. It doesn't matter if his eyes were open or closed and I know you wonder...but will knowing bring him back? Although not the same scenario, my cousin, more like my sister committed suicide almost 2 years aog now. It was awful! To this day, I have times that I wonder why didn't I try harder to visit her more. She lived over 600 miles away. Why didn't I try harder to pick up the phone and get her to answer? How you have been treated by the family stinks. But the funeral is over. You have the best memories of him and the most intimate...more than they have.You were trying to help him but he decided not to accept your help. i pray for your healing and I know it won't be easy. It took me so long to get past how my cousin left us. Seeing the note she left was devastating because you could tell she was dying as she wrote it. Walking into her house and seeing all the ways she tried to end it sent chills up my spine. But I take comfort in knowing that she doesn't struggle anymore. She is not in emotional hell anymore. She is at peace. I have memories of her. Her son doesn't ccommunicate with her side of the family...so we have memories and that is it. You have a baby. You can do this...I have faith in you. Know the blessing that you carry and how rewarding that blessing will be to you years down the road...and then you will smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members paulaj Posted September 2, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 2, 2012 Gert,It is our job to support people, not to tell them what to do.Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted September 22, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Im not even sure where to begin. I just know I need to get this out. I need to know im not alone! My name is Dawn. My fiance killed himself last Monday. His name was Mike. He just turned 42 in July. I will start by telling you my story. Mike and I were friends for 3 years. We started a relationship 6 months ago. Our relationship grew fast and we were on the fast road to a happy life. He has 3 children from a previous marriage, and I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. Our children grew strong bonds over the last 6 months as did we. We spent the whole summer together and did alot of family activities together. We were planning on getting married and we were about to move into a house big enough for all of us. He had custody of his 3 boys and I have custody my of 3 kids. We were a big family and our happily ever after was just getting started. About a month and a half ago, we found out we were expecting our 7th child. Something we had planned to do and we were so excited about, us and the kids! You can imagine our families werent thrilled about the situation. With 6 kids already, they were worried about a 7th and how we would do it. But we didnt let it affect our happiness. Mike worked for an entertainment company here where we live. He was a DJ/MC. One of the best in the business! He worked long hours and weekends were few and far between that he was with us. He made great money though and we all knew how hard he was working for us. He also had a rough past. He was a recovering addict. The divorce he went through was terrible. He was adopted as a child. His adopted parents divorced when he was a kid. And of course raising 3 children on your own isn't easy! He suffered with chronic back pain. Surgery 10 years ago on his back left it's mark and he was in constant pain on a daily basis. He attempted suicide twice in the past. It was before i knew him and while he was going through all the problems with his ex wife. I didn't find out about it until recently. 3 weeks ago, he text me from work. He was depressed and was threatening to end his life. I took the threat very seriously and met him at his job. He was taken to the local hospital in their CPEP department for the night. I was so angry with him because before I met him at work, he sent a suicide text to his 14 year old son along with a few of us. When I picked him up the next day from the hospital, i screamed at him for what he had done to his son. I told him how bad he scarred his son. That everytime he left for work now, the poor kid would worry if he would come back home or not. I was so mad at him for it! That is something a child should never have to see from their parent. I also screamed at him that what he was doing was selfish and what would we all do without him. I told him how his boys looked up to him. He wasn't just their dad. He was their best friend, their hero, their world! I explained to him that his kids would be left with nothing if he left them. Their mother can't care for them because she is a drug addict. He was all they had in life. He explained to me how he was just tired of living in pain all the time and tired of struggling with his addiction, tired of feeling the stresses of every day life. But he was seeking help in all aspects and promised things were gonna get better. He also had been recovering from a heart attack back in March. We had a rough few weeks after that. His emotions were all over the place. one minute he wanted the baby, the next he didnt. One minute he wanted to marry me and the next he didn't. It was very frustrating for me. I didnt know which way to turn and had felt as though I lost my best friend and soul mate. This pregnancy was very hard right from the beginning. I was very very sick and have lost alot of weight because of it. On the 14th of August, after spending the entire summer together, all of us....Michael asked me to take my children home to my house and give him some time alone with his kids. I did as he asked and was completely against it! I figured, we were already playing the family role and didn't feel it was fair to the kids to do what he wanted, but I did it anyway and gave him his space. We argued alot that week. We just couldnt seem to get along with eachother. On friday, the 17th....he got home from work at around 1am. He called me, told me he missed me alot, and asked me to come over. I went there. We spoke a little about everything that was going on. We agreed at first that things had to stop. We had to stop fighting and get along with eachother and get back to the happiness we were at just a week before. We made love that night. After, I laid on his chest, as i did all the time. The sound of his heart beat would always relax me. I looked up at him, he was crying. I asked him what was wrong. He said, he still needed more time and that he was going to miss me so much. I immediately got upset. I cried and walked out of his house without saying goodbye and feeling used. For the next 2 days, we went back to a constant arguing. He worked all weekend and we didn't get to see eachother or talk much. Sunday we started to talk rationally to eachother. He still wanted time away from me and my kids. But we were confident that we would work things out and be okay. He text me from work in the early evening. The text said, "I love you, im done." I immediately took that as a suicide threat and started calling and texting him. He wouldnt answer. Eventually he answered me and said, " i will find my way in life, no death threats baby, im good, no worries." So I texted him back and asked him to please come over after work. I told him we wouldnt talk about anything, just sit and watch a movie and relax after a stressful couple of weeks we both needed it. He didnt respond. I ended up falling asleep. At 230am, I received a text from him again. It woke me up. It said, "i will always love you." Not thinking anything of it.....I text him back and just said "prove it" and went back to sleep.Monday the 20th....early morning, I get a call from his ex wife. She asked if I had heard from him because he didn't show up to pick up the kids from her. I called and text him and no response. I got in my car and went to his house. His truck was outside, so I figured he was drinking at the wedding he DJ'd the night before and was still sleeping. I went into his apartment and into his room. He was nowhere! I checked the whole house and outside in the sheds. I couldnt find him. I waited a couple hours figuring he probably just left with someone. Early afternoon I went and picked up his boys from their mom. I brought them home and stayed with them. By 3pm we still hadnt heard from him. We made a missing persons report and sat and waited. I spent the whole night with all 6 kids and we all snuggled together in his room waiting for him to come home. The next day, still no word from him. His step mom came upstairs and told me to take my kids and go home and relax. she said if they heard anything they would call. The boys were so upset I was leaving. I didnt want to leave but she was forcing me to. As soon as I got home, i got a call from a friend....she was by mikes house and saw his family outside and cops everywhere. I got back in my car and raced over there. They had found his body. Directly behind his house was an industrial parking lot. He was found just over his backyard fence hanging from a tree. I was beside myself! Not wanting to believe it was really him. Even seeing his dad cry when he came home from the crime scene and identifying his body, I still didnt want to believe it was him they found. I cried for days! I couldnt stop crying. I still cant stop crying! I blamed myself thinking if I would have just stopped fighting with him, if I would have just listened to him, he wouldnt have done this. Im an EMT...and I see stuff like this all the time. Normally, I dont have feeling towards it. Normally, I get angry at these people because I feel its a very selfish act and the cowardly way out. However, this time it hit home! I didnt think god would ever do this to us! Between the both of us, we havent had the perfect life. We've been through so much in our pasts. Things that noone should have to endure. I never thought god would put something like this on us too! It was a life lesson that we couldve done without! As an EMT, I feel guilty that I wasnt there to save him. This past weekend was his funeral. I went to the wake thursday night. Everyone was so cold to me, except his dad. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to see. The man I loved with every piece of my soul was gone and I couldnt bring him back. Friday morning, I woke up to go shower and get ready for another day of torture at his wake. His father called me early, and asked me if I please would not come back to the funeral. He said him and his family dont blame me for anything, but his ex-wife, (mikes mom), and her family does and they dont want me there. I was so heart broken. Not only has god taken away the love of my life, but now im to blame and I dont even get to say goodbye.His dad ended up getting me my own private viewing of him. And I got to say my goodbyes to him. I looked around the room and seen all the flowers, pictures, and love everyone had for him. Pictures of him with everyone.....except me! Like I didnt even exist in his life! They even had picture of him with his ex girlfriend. Not a single one of me and him. I ended up putting pictures of us and the sonogram pictures of our baby in his jacket pocket. I know it sounds selfish, but I didnt want him to be buried without a piece of me. I laid my head on his chest and looked up at his face, crying and smiling, I leaned over and kissed him goodbye. It's been a week since he died. And i know thats not alot of time. It feels like forever! Every day gets harder and harder. I have so many questions unanswered. So much anxiety. So much pain!! Pain I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy! I am now 10 weeks pregnant with our child and i am so confused on what to do. My family tells me I shouldnt have the baby. I have no ties to him. They took his children away from me and wont allow me to talk to them. His dad who was supportive through all of this, isnt supportive anymore and wont return my calls. My parents say I should abort the baby and go on with my life. Get back to taking care of me and my kids. And as great as that sounds, it's not that easy! This baby was made out of our love for eachother. I never did believe in abortion unless a woman was raped or a girl molested.....something like that qualifies for abortion. Not a baby that was made out of love and got dealt a shitty hand. This baby is all I will have to remember him by. The only piece of him I have left! I keep having dreams of him and the baby. And I feel he is trying to tell me to keep the baby. However, at the same time.....I think to myself.....can I raise a baby and my other 3 on my own? Can I do all these doctors appointments without him? Can I deliver this baby without him? Can I do the 3am feedings all by myself? Can I explain to my child why daddy isnt here anymore? Can I let go of him without letting go of this baby? Will I have to worry about the baby having issues when it's older and have to worry about my child making the same bad decision? Then on top of all those questions.....the stress ive been under....is the baby ok? My parents had to give me xanax the other night to stop me from shaking and panicking. Did that hurt the baby? I have no appetite.....not that I havent tried to eat, but with the little amount that I can eat....is the baby ok? Ive lost so much weight over the last 2 weeks. I looked int he mirror yesterday and couldnt believe how bad I look. I look anorexic. I have a doctors appointment this week to make sure the baby is ok, but my world is flipped upside down right now and I have no idea how to fix it or what to do!!!!On top of all this.....I still have so many questions for him! WHY???? Before the last month, Mike was such a happy person! He loved life and all it had to offer! Thats what attracted me to him in the first place! He loved to make people smile and truly made an impact on all lives he came into contact with! He was so loved by everyone! I cant get over why he did this! Why he put his sons through so much pain! They were his life! His everything! Why did he leave them?!! And am I really to blame for this?! Did he kill himself because of all the fighting we were doing? I know he was still happy about the baby....the monday before he killed himself we went for a sono. He saw the babys heartbeat and almost fell out of his chair! We had dinner at my moms that night and he was so excited telling everyone he saw the most beautiful thing in the world today.....his daughters heartbeat! No, we dont know if its a boy or girl, but he wanted a girl. He has 3 boys and wanted his little princess! So what pushed him over the edge?!! I think about the crime scene too! I stared out his windows all night that night. How didnt i see him there? When he was hanging there, was he facing the house? Were his eyes open or closed? What was he wearing? Was he crying before he jumped? Was he mad before he jumped? Did he defecate on himself? How long was he there for before he decided to make this decision? Why when I checked the backyard for him, why didnt I find him? I know all these questions sound so sick and twisted, but I cant help myself! These are questions I will never have the answers to! He took my whole life away! I had truly thought I found my forever! And he took it away from me! Some days im sad, some days im angry, and some days im just ok. I feel lost and empty inside! Id give anything just to have 5 more minutes with him! Anything to turn back the clock and save him! I know how insane my story sounds! And I wish it wasn't true! I have dreams of him at night and I wake up to a nightmare every day! Its the most horrible feeling i have ever felt and I feel like at this point, I will never get over this! My children miss him terribly too! He was so good to them! They loved him so much! And they miss his kids as well! I dont want anyone to think I am suicidal either. Im not! Nothing can ever take me away from my children! Especially now, after feeling all this pain, I would never put my children through such a horrible tragedy! Im just confused as to what I should do with my baby and how I move on from here! Thank you all for listening.....sorry about the book I wrote, but I wanted to be thorough! Sincerely,Dawn(DH.....MB's babygirl forever!) Dawn My name is Bunny Cordova first let me say Im going thru alot as well losing my only God given child and being alone just me my service dog and my adopted 3 yr old that we dont consider adopted. I found him in my living room lifeless Devastated Its been 8 months but I want to express my deepest sincere sympathy for ur life gettn turned upside down. Wow! I wonder the same was it my fault were his eyes open then closed when they pronounced him dead at the hospital but like its been said, it doesnt matter only bcus it cant bring our loved ones back not that it doesnt matter to us bcus it does! but what he did was enevitable! Fighting or not we all fight w our spouses and kids & say some pretty harsh things we dont mean even I said some very mean things & he was the £ove of my life. You got 3 Gifts from God I got one and one gift from ur soul mate.. Remember that when making YOUR DECISION. nobody can make it for you but pay attention to ur dreamz ur adc' s u get from him signs and then decide but pls u got ur sonogram ur baby is a part of ur love when u were together & thats someone u will have all the control of till 18 legally & his parents will be sry for treating u like this. u got a piece of him what have they got? pictures videos trust me thats all i have of my 27 yr old son Cassidy that God gave me then for whatever reason after going thru 6 yrs of his pill addiction jus as he decides hes going to make all his wrongs right serves 2 months for slapping a glass out of his ex' s hand in front of my house has a bday turned 27 gets out of jail clean 9 days later w all these plans for a great future w his baby girl & being a huge Mamas boy making me proud he gave up meth 2 yrs ago which ppl say is very hard I was proud w great expectations of his our future. See, you are in the drivers seat if u have ur baby & will alwayz have the biggest part of him! Id love to see my only grandbaby offspring of my son. It wasnt fair for them to treat u like that at wake at all. Karma sux God will handle their evil attitudes! you are going thru enuf. I know how u feel I was in the room right next to him door open. you were in his house he was hidden by wall fence tree whatever is there Cas was hidden by a wall but right there w my door open while he lay on couch dying possibly from the cries sufferring tho at 5 am he said he was fine & loves me! I blame me too but coming from someone else it all comes into prospective. How cud we know? I hope you & ur kids & the other kids get to see eachother bcus they are the siblings of ur offspring and u have more of a chance seeing them again if u and ur kids deeply truly love them w your baby thats a part of them then u do without ur baby.. Connection any good grandma and grandpa will eventually want to be a part of.. text me 602 686 7004 or email bunny2u661@aol.com or fbook me bunny cordova id love to talk to you. im a nite owl unfortunately especially now that I lost my Cassidy £ei my reason for all I do and did. hugz to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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