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missudave

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I have never been on any kind of message board before.  I wanted to test the waters a little - so the short version is I am 39 and my sweet husband who was barely 40 has been gone from me for 9 weeks now.  I have been in the darkest days of my life since he passed away on December 29, 2007, but I feel like I may have taken an emotional  baby step forward  this last week.  Our 3 children 17,15,12 seem like they are doing better too.  I am just wondering about feeling guilty for having taken a baby step.  It sounds weird I know. 

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My husband also died on the 29th of December,2007 around 3 PM of a massive heart attack. Bruce was 54 and I am 49. We have 2 boys 18 and 20 it must be very hard to have younger children. I started with this site and also found a site called daily strength. At the other site you can start a journal I keep my journal mostly private and write letters to my husband dailey. All the people and both sites are great they have been were we are now it is nice to know that others know what we are feeling. At the other site go to widows and widowers. I am so sorry for your loss, come and let it all out here you can say whatever you what to. Mostly it is one day at a time...

God bless you and your children

Susan

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Thanks Susan.  I am so sorry about Bruce.  Dave actually went in for a brain aneurysm surgery but it ruptured when they were getting started.    One thing I hope I can move beyond at some point is replaying those 2 days in the hospital constantly.  I think I do that because I am trying to make sense of how it could have happened.  He was always so healthy and strong.

Heather 

 

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Heather,

I do understand the replay in your mind. I seems to replay more now than it did the first month. I was with him at our lake house our older son came up to help move out some stuff all day something was not right. He had chest pain thought it was heart burn and died in our older sons arms he tried so hard to bring him back it took the fire dep. 15 mins. to get to us and it was to late. I don't know why but I do have faith in GOD and have to think he has his reasons for taking the good ones.

Susan

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Susan,

I hope you don't mind if I ask but I wonder how your 2 boys are doing?  My three are all handling things very differently from each other but they all seem to be doing as well as could be expected.  They were all very close with their dad.  My heart aches for them.  Our oldest son leaves for Navy boot camp in August and I feel glad that Dave signed his enlistment papers with him when he joined back in October.  Sort of like his dad's stamp of approval on his choice for his future.  My prayers will be with you and your boys.

Heather

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Heather,

Both are handling it very different. My older son that was with us when Bruce passed is going to counseling weekly. He is having more trouble my 18 year old looks to his girl friend for comfort ( he will not let me in) It is strange how things happen on Christmas eve my sons got into a shoving match my husband went and spent several hours talking with each of them. He talk to them about what being brothers means for when he is gone they will have to have each other sometimes I wonder if in some way he new he was going to die. My older son goes back to Texas State in May i hope and pray he is ready then. How are you doing? I went and picked up my nieces 20 month old little girl will have her here for the week boy that will keep you busy.

God Bless

Susan

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I think we all seem to be doing a little better but it's  going to be a year of big change for our family.  With Dave gone now and the oldest going to the Navy in late summer I think we will all need to readjust a little at a time to the idea of not only where we are now but where we are going.  I mentioned that I feel guilty about feeling a little bit better.  It's not that I think I would ever forget him after almost 22 great years together (since 18 years old) but when I think of the trauma his body endured that day, I do feel guilty for doing any better than I have been and to watch the world just go on with out him.     So now, I think thats why instead of the constant feeling of deep deep sadness and sorrow I am starting to feel sort of numb.  Maybe thats backwards of how it's supposed to happen, I don't know.  I just know I have never been in such a horrible dark place as where I've been since that horrible - nightmare come true day  happened.

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I know what you are feeling I am going through the same thing. I do feel I am doing a little better, but then I walk by a photo or need to get something from his closet and I am in deep sorrow again.It doesn't seem real I wonder how the hell am I going to live without this guy that was everthing to me for 24 years.. I hope god doesn't take to long to come and get me I am so ready this last two months is the worst time I have ever been through in my life. I keep wanting to wake up and this be a bad dream. I went and picked up my great niece she is 20 months keeping me from think so much about this loss in my life, I sure hope for all of us this will get better.

God Bless

Susan

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I understand about walking by a photo or getting something from our closet.  I hug his clothes, sleep in his shirt, spray his cologne on his pillow so I can still smell him, and I wear a locket with his picture inside and I had a wedding band engraved with his name inside with our anniversary date (which was right after Valentines Day, it's been rough!).  His wedding band had to be broken to get it off  the day before the surgery since he hadn't taken it off in almost 20 years,  and I told him I'd fix it, so on Valentines Day I got it fixed and the jeweler said mine had worn super thin too and that I should retire it, so  I tied them together with a white ribbon and retired the wedding rings together and am now only wearing the new band that I had engraved with his name. Maybe all of that seems weird but I have given myself permission to do whatever helps me feel close to him right now.  And what I'm doing seems to be helping somehow. It will be 10 weeks on Saturday.  I hope you have a wonderful time with the baby, I think for me having a sweet baby around for the week would be very healing.  Praying for you all,

Heather

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Hi Heather and Susan,

I hope I'm not intruding but I read your posts and felt like those were my words coming out of your mouth.  It's the first time I've heard anyone beside me say that they hoped it wouldn't be too long before they were able to join their husband.  I don't have any children so there's no reason there.

Also, about the rings - I think that's a wonderful thing you did.  Mik and I were engaged and supposed to get married this May.  We already had our rings.  I was wearing my engagement ring of course.  The day Mike died (6 weeks tomorrow) I came home from the hospital and the first thing I did was put on my wedding band.  We felt married already and something told me that's what I should do.  Everyone has told me the same thing - that you do what feels right to you.  I put Mike's ring on his finger in the casket.  He'd never had a chance to wear it or see that I'd had it engraved.  Since he'd never worn it, I didn't feel that I needed to keep it; he should have it.  I did keep the St. Michael medal he always wore on a chain.  When they got him to the hospital, they took the medal off and handed it to me.  I couldn't think what to do with it at that moment so I just put it on over my head - I haven't taken it off since and never will.

I'm glad I've found two new people who feel the way I do.

Sue

 

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Sue,

No one ever intrudes on this site it is great to have input from all, yours is welcome. I think being married is a state of mind. My husband and I lived together for three years and engaged we only set a wedding date because a baby was on the way. We were already married in our minds I am so sorry for your loss. I have two boys 18 and 20 they do not need me other than to cook and clean, they do love me and the 5 mins. a day that I see them they give me big hugs. So yea I hope god doesn't wait tol ong to take me. However in order for me to be with my wonderful husband when I pass from this world to the other side I need to live a good life and help as many people as I can I want to be were my husband is he was a great teacher of man and I am sure he is in a level of heaven were he is going to be helping people here on earth. You know they say in Heaven there is no time so went we die it is like our love ones will be here tomorrow.

Heather the ring thing was a great idea. Hannah's mom is coming to get her today I am sad because she has kept me from being so sad, however at almost 50 years old it has been tiring she has so much energy. That is way we have kids when we are young......

God Bless

Susan

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Hi Susan,

Thanks for the welcome.  It must be comforting to have your granchild with you even for a little while.  I never had children; I didn't met Mike until we were both 50.  We knew we'd never make it to a 50th anniversary but maybe a 25th.  It must be a comfort to have children and grandchildren.  It gives you some purpose for living.  I have 4 dogs that make me get up in the morning, but it's not the same.

Yes, we already felt like we were married.  We were only waiting so Mike could walk.  (He had really serious problems and multiple surgeries on his foot).

I miss him so much!  I wish there were a way for him to come back or for me to go be with him.

Sue

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missynmemphis

Maamgrey & others posting here..

I read your posts as  new 1/2 s  here and I can relate  so clearly with what you are feeling ..I too, lost that Love Of My Life...way too  young.

MaamGrey, I am so sorry that you  didn't get to have the wedding..I can only imagine  that part  of your loss. I only had my Richard  for 7 1/2 yrs. But that was as you say only a moment of the time I thought we'd have together. We seemed to have it all....He was  young , successful, handsome funny ....true and honest, and mostly ,   he was MINE :-)...

I feel so deeply   for you, and several here...and  You too , Miss Aurora....

My Darlin' died of  overdose of my prescription drugs...he was the kind of man that never even took an aspirin, therefore I had  a hard time  dealing with the fact that it was my own meds that ultimately "killed " him. I was as you MaamGrey,  He really was everything I coulda dreamed of, and more...It was simply   beautifully magic....we were married 9mos after we met,  had 7 yrs together....Now it's been since 1986, 22 yrs

since his death....and I still feel like a 1/2  person. Now that's not to say

that my life is not good....as life  goes, and despite  his absence, I live...

somehow. I guess my point is: That we all  deal with this grief and emptiness....any way we can , just to get  through it [ most of the time]...

However, after all these yrs....That man  is still my  Love, my Song and my Magic...and what's more I think he knows that too. I , as someone said here...still keep his coat and  a few favorite things hangin' in the closet.. and our wedding clothes...I still  read his cards,  and letters....They all remind me that  I WAS HIS PRINCESS....and the last anniversary gift from him was  a beautiful  golden/diamond watch....when I stated  we were too young to  have the diamond GOLD watch he replied...."Just Remember I Love You  all the TIME".....that  was  Sept.  He died the following January 28, 1986.  I don't  cry as much as I used to....maybe I'm all cried out.....But  the last thought at night and the first thought upon wakening.....for me is  still and always will be Richard......I am praying  diligently  for  each of you  and  ask God  to strengthen you all &  Bless you  all with  new life and  especially your "memories"....Hugs, Missy

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Missy,

What a terrible thing his death was and what pain it's brought you for all these years.  I do hold onto the memories and they're wonderful ones, but my grief is too raw so they also bring pain because I can never make new ones with him.  Tomorrow will be a first for me.  It's the date he proposed to me, or pre-proposed becasue he did the down on one knee thing after we got the rings.  But this one was most important to me.  I know there are lots more to come in the next few months.

Sue

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Today was sort of hard for me.  It was my daughters birthday party with Dave's family.  she will be 13 on Friday.  We combined it with my nephew's party and when I signed the card for him, I was really upset to be signing it 'Love, Aunt Heather' instead of Uncle Dave and Aunt Heather.  I hated seeing my name alone like that.  As for my daughters card, I began writing an extra note in it that said that I knew that her papa (Dave) would join me in saying what a wonderful daughter she is and how special she is to both of us.  But then I signed it, love, mama.  So, I have made it so far in these 10 weeks through New Years, Superbowl, Valentines, our 19 year anniversary and now my daughters 1st birthday party without her papa.  Next will be our traditional St. Patricks Day feast which I still plan on making to keep things constant for the kids.  Isn't that what everyone keeps saying is the first of everthing during the first year is the hardest, well I sure hope thats right because it's been way hard so far getting through some of these "firsts".  But on the bright side of things( if there is one), I got our taxes sent in and we didn't owe!

Heather

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Susan-

I was thinking about you after you said you had a rough week last week.  I was going to ask if you were doing any better today after finishing that book but the question seems ridiculous since during this grieving process, emotions change like a roller coaster.... so never mind the how are you doing, just know I was thinking about you and your boys.  I hope this week is a little smoother for you as well as for all of us.

Heather

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Heather,

I have not talk to you in awhile, How are you doing? How did the party go? Next week is going to be hard for me. just wanted to give you a shout to see how you are.

Susan

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I have had a rough week.  I think it's a combination of being  really sick, St. Patricks dinner after the b-day and now Easter on Sunday.  The holidays have popped up right behind each other this year.  After Sunday though, I'm done with all that kind of stuff until both of my boys b-days and H.S. graduation  all in May.  What's happening next week for you?   I'll be praying for you and the boys.    Heather

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Heather,

My boys are out for spring break so they are off with friends and should be back home tomorrow. So I had this week to myself. I keep thinking while wondering from room to room is this what the rest of my life will be like all by myself no one but the computer. I know that God must have something for me to do. I quit work just can't seem to do the job right. I talked with a travel agent i am going to book a few trips. Going to Mexico in July for the big 50 and going to do this one solo. I have really have never been by myself so I guess a better learn how to love myself and like myself because my children are grown and they only need my to cook and clean. I even mow the lawn and keep the pool. So i have my little pity party dailey pick myself up brush off and go on..... I guess that is all we can really do.... It is going to be sunny and 75 today so i am going to spend the day in the yard think god for what i have.

God Bless and Good Friday

Susan

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Susan,

That's a wonderful attitude.  I have more than a pity party each day but I do seem to find a way to move on as long as I stick to the one day at a time method.  I admire you traveling too.  With your outlook, I bet you'll have a great time.

Good for you

Sue

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Susan, that sounds great!  There does come a time where we start feeling the blessings of our lives even when we have had such a great loss of our beloveds...I feel so grateful and blessed that I got to be with this wonderful man, to know my true soulmate that I will be with again.  Being in the garden helps me a lot too...Ishaq always loved the flowers and the vegie garden...I would always bring him the first fruits when he came home after work and he would be so happy over a little thing like the first raspberry or the first tomato...these memories are a joy to me now, and always will be.

Hope all of you on this board are doing ok - I know it is up and down for all of us, no matter how long or short a time it has been since our partner's crossed over.  I wish you all peace this easter weekend.

Blessings,

Anna

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Anna and all

I always look forward to hearing from you and the wonderful things you do. You have a wonderful and Blessed Easter I will be thinking of everyone here on this board. You have all become part of my daily life.

Susan :)

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Talking about the garden and going outside has made me think.  Instead of feeling sad when I go outside and hear the birds and knowing that spring is actually now here, and thinking about all Dave is missing in our new home (we built our 'dreamhome' ourselves 1 year ago) maybe I should try to think of it as a gift from him to our family.  I know he would want me to find joy in the new yard he had put in and watch the birds, listen to the coyotes etc.  Maybe I will go out this weekend and buy something to plant, and make the yard he started bloom.  Going to try to keep my chin up.  Even if I'm crying.

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