Death of 14 year old son

[lulla27]

A week ago today I lost my oldest child, my 14 year old son. He had a leisurely morning, slept in, cleaned his room, showered, had his best bud over for a few video games, then headed out to longboard around our neighbourhood. Unfortunately he took a terrible fall and sustained a head injury from which he never recovered. We were with him within minutes and he never had any neurological responses, so I've been told he was pretty much dead instantly, which is good I suppose because he experienced neither pain nor fear. He leaves behind a lonely 9 year old brother, a loving and dedicated father - my husband, and myself, a mother who is utterly lost and desperately sad. We have wonderful neighbours, community and extended family, but I don't have any idea how I am going to go on. I don' t have any idea how to even make myself want to go on. My son and I were really close, shared the same sense of humour and I was so excited to watch him grow up. He had just completed his first year of high school, and while he didn't work as hard as he could have, he did well in his classes and made new friends who were so positive and kind. I just am so sad and afraid that things will never ever be right. I can't imagine ever being able to have joy in our home again, and yet I'm determined to do so for our younger son. I read about people who are grieving lost ones and see their pain months and years later and I wonder how I am going to live out the rest of my life feeling like this. I'm not suicidal, but am very broken. Is there anyone out there who lost a child and has found a way to move forward??? I've only been without my boy for a week, and I know that I shouldn't expect to feel any comfort soon, and I don't have that expectation, but I want to know if anyone has been able to eke out a meaningful life or happy existence after an event like this. Please help. Please tell me what to expect and what to do. I'm so sad and afraid.

[MBN]

lulla27, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 18 year old boy in a car accident on June 7. He was my baby, the younger of two boys. He was my light and joy -- happy, funny, loving and adventurous. He had just graduated high school and was preparing for college. He was just starting to fulfil his potential and had a promising future. Part of my heart was ripped out my chest that day. We became empty nesters - overnight.

I'm not much further along the grief journey than you are -- but I well remember the first few days. The shock and pain seems overwhelming now, I know. What helped me was being surrounded by loving friends and family. I'm sure people have offered to help ("If there's anything I can do ...."). Don't hesitate to reach out for help. Let them bring over a casserole, or pick up toilet paper, or run your other son to soccer practice. They WANT to help, and you need it right now. It helps to lean on others.

It's been 10 weeks now for me and I can tell you that it does get better. The feeling of desperate loss and pain has eased. The sadness is there underneath, but I also have moments of joy and laughter. Although it is painful to envision a future without my Nathan, we are slowly re-framing our life. It takes time and I'm not there yet. But I can see that there is a path forward.

I believe that my son isn't lost to me forever -- but is still around me now. We won't be together again in this life, but we will see each other in the next. I believe he is in a wonderful and joyful place, and wants us to be happy too. I think he is still connected to us, and contacts us in subtle ways, if we are open to seeing. I believe in a loving God, who didn't take our child to punish us, but because it was their time - part of a larger plan that we can't see or understand.

I don't know that things will ever be "right' again. Our life has changed irrevocably. We will always love and miss our beloved child that is now in Heaven. But I do believe life can be good, and we can find peace and joy again. There is hope. It does get better.

Right now, my best advice is to be good to yourself. Take care of yourself physically as much as you can -- eat, sleep, and exercise. I went for walks with a good friend, who was kind and patient enough to listen to me as all of the feelings and fears spilled out. Reach out to your support system. Let them be there for you.

Peace be with you, my friend.

[lulla27]

MBN - thank you so much for your response. I was so happy to have someone reply who has a sense of what we're going through. I'm also comforted that things may get better, or if not better, at least not as bad. I had such a bad night last night and my husband is afraid to leave me alone and so the poor man is so tired. It's good to know that there are other supports out there, like you. People have been so generous in their offers, but flowers and casseroles just don't change anything. His friends have been great about having a facebook page where they are posting pictures and stories about Jack and I'm gaining a lot of strength from their posts. It's wonderful to read about experiences that he had that I didn't even know about, or to see pictures of him that I've never seen before.

My younger son wants to move into my older son's bedroom, or at least just sleep in there, and leave his own clothes in his old bedroom. I think this is healthy, although it's sometimes hard to know if the choices we're making are healthy or morbid. We have our son's ashes in our room and I can't imagine having them anywhere else. There's just something about knowing that his remains are close. I'm not a religious person, so I have not necessarily had the comfort of him in heaven. I have started reading some books about near-death experiences to try to get a sense of what I think he might have been going through or gone through.

I can't imagine the silence in your home after your son passing and suddenly having your house to yourselves. What a extraordinarily difficult circumstance.

Do you talk to anyone for your grief? A pastor/priest? Therapist? I'm considering that but I don't think I'd be an easy client/patient or whatever I'd be called.

Thank you again for replying. It really means a lot to me.

Lulla27

[MBN]

Lulla27, I just think you have to do whatever feels right to you and not worry about whether it is morbid. 3 months ago I couldn't have imagined dealing with ANY of this. Talk about making it up as you go along ... we had no time at all to prepare for all of these decisions.

I know what you mean about deriving comfort from seeing the postings and Facebook photos. I feel the same way, and his friends are still posting comments and photos. I also read a LOT of books about Near Death Experiences -- although I am a believer and felt assured that Nathan's essence was eternal, those books helped to reinforce my belief that he was in a Good place. We want our child to be OK, to be happy. I believe they are.

Immediately after Nathan's death, I was contacted by our Employee Assistance person, who is also a personal friend. I talked to her a couple of times, including my first day back to work. For me, it was more of a "I think I'm doing OK but what do you think" kind of discussion. I found it reassuring, but felt no need to continue on with a professional counselor. I talked to friends and my husband, and I found this forum. I have trusted advisors that I can reach out to if needed, but so far, I haven't felt it was warranted. I just keep getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other and I get through the day. Right now, that's enough.

I do think it helps to have someone to talk to, whether it is a friend or professional. My husband is a great person to talk to, but he is also grieving and sometimes he is in a different place than I am. I think you have to follow your instincts on what you need right now.

My situation is a little different than yours in that I lost my younger son and my older son is 21 and off at college. We have a place in the Smoky Mountains, and our older son went up there with friends a couple of weeks ago (a pre-planned trip). I gave him a portion of Nathan's ashes, to scatter in the mountains where we had spent so much time as a family. In that way, he was able to have his own kind of ceremony and closure, with his close friends, who were also Nathan's friends. The rest of the ashes are in the closet, I don't know what I'll do with them yet, so I'm not doing anything for now. I'm not ready to let him go.

MBN

[517958]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my oldest child, my daughter at the age of 5 years old on 7/6/11 after she drowned in a swimming pool. Someone that was supposed to be watching her took off her life jacket and didn't watch her. The first couple of months are terrible. I was physically numb and had to force myself to eat because my youngest child was just 4 months old at the time of the accident and was exclusively nursing. I also have a 3 year old - now 4 year old daughter. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing (of which there are many hardest parts) is seeing the pain this has caused my surviving daughter. She misses her first and best playmate and sister who she deeply loved. Charlotte was a light in the world and the light of our lives. I'm 13 months out and I still am shocked that this happened. I still ask God to bring her back to me. I started seeing a counselor only about a month out and that has helped me. I went once a week for a while and now I go about once every 3 to 4 weeks. It helps to have someone who doesn't know me to see things objectively and just listen. Someday I'd like to try faith-based counseling but right now I just need someone to listen. I also have very supportive neighbors and some who will ask me questions about Char and about how i'm doing. You'll find that some of the people who you expect to support you just can't or won't and some people you didn't even expect will step up and help you immensely.

I remember looking for someone to say or do something that would make me feel better but I eventually realized that a loss of this magnitude wasn’t going to allow me to feel better quickly and there was nothing anyone could do (except turn back time so I could save my baby) to help. I just have to go through the grief and let myself feel it. I have to cry and scream and yell at God for taking my love away. I can’t go around it, I have to go through it. I can say it does get better over time. Eventually I got used to Char not being there every day but it still hurts. In the meantime, try to be patient with yourself, don’t expect too much of yourself or others, try to eat, and try to sleep. I’m so sorry again that you have joined this terrible club nobody wants to join.

The Loss of an Adult Child thread on this website is more active and will welcome you as they have me even though our children were not adults. Please post there and tell us about your son.

[MNNorthernLight]

Hi,

My son was also 14 when he died. And I had a 9 year old son, too, along with two that were 16 and the youngest who had just turned 2. It has been 16 since my son died. Hard to believe he would have been 30 now as of July 14. I often wonder what he would look like now or what he would be doing.

Those first few weeks are full of shock, horror and pain of a kind you have never felt before. Your chest hurts so much you actually think you are truly feeling your heart break. The first year itself is just one you pass through in a state of shock. Actually, I found the 2nd year harder as I wasn't in that state of shock anymore and the special days seemed to hurt more. I understand what you are saying as I remember going through that after hearing someone at a grief group talk about his pain after a couple of years. I thought OMG you mean I will still hurt this much after all that time? But... guess what... you can and do get through it. You take ONE day at a time and get through it. And you never want your younger child to think the child that died was more important than he is to you. So you immerse yourself in his life but don't make the mistake of overcoddling him either.

The pain lessens after time. It becomes softer and there are moments you deal with it but they get less and less. You never forget, you never stop loving them but you go on with your life. I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe I will be with my son again one day and that helps me cope.If we believe in eternity together, what's a few years here? You learn to laugh again as well as cry over the memories. And you will find your ways of keeping him alive in your heart and in your family. I have a tree out front that is a flowering crab. My son (the one who was 9 at the time) was in 3rd grade and his class gave us a gift certificate to a nursery so I bought the tree and planted it in the front yard. Shawn died April 22 so each spring, when that tree flowers, I remember that life goes on and can still be beautiful.

Reading books that talk about grief can help and find people to talk to. If you have a compassionate friends or other grief group near you, go to it. Even if you just sit and listen and cry, it helps to be with others who understand. And let other people help you with food and other things. They need to help and they don't know what else to do.

I also took my kids to a grief group for kids so they could find an outlet to talk about their brother. I think it helped a lot. I was too emotionally upset to help them as much as they needed so it was a good place for them to go.

I am SO deeply sorry you are having to go through this. It is the worst thing a parent will ever deal with.

[tantraman8]

Dear Lulla,

I am only four months out (April 25th) from the death of my son, Josh. When you talk of being SO SAD and AFRAID, I can totally relate. I started a "letters to Josh journal." I read a daily meditation book entitled " Healing After Loss." I was, and still am quite open about my grief on FB and people on there have offered me love and encouragement. I go to an acupuncturist who treats me, and has me on healing herbs for my body. And, today I am going to my doctor, as I am on meds for sleep and anxiety, for the first time.

This site is a HUGE blessing for me!! Having people who GET IT, some who are where I am in the newness of our devastation, and others who are further down the road and actually are still here supporting we newbies and talking about actually being alive again, doing things in life that contain joy and peace, and validating that where I am is normal, that I'm not "doing it wrong" really helps.

AND, this is devastating Lulla. If I could offer one thing to you it would be that YOU CANNOT DO THIS GRIEVING "WRONG." Try to be GENTLE with yourself. Your son. your relationship with him is SO PRECIOUS. The people on this site are HUGE supports for me. Please keep sharing and asking. There are so many here who understand, know, and are further down the road than you and I. I know that those who understand... those who love me ARE MY LIFELINE right now. I get your HUGE SADNESS..It is with me too. And, I know Josh would want me to get to a life of joy and peace. I believe your son wants that for you too. FOR me, I cannot be there now. The loss is too knew. But I HOPE.....and I HOPE it for you too.

David

[lulla27]

Wow - thanks everyone - David, MNNorthernLight, Char's Mom and MBN. I don't know why it is, but reading your stories and learning about your strength is really reassuring. My husband was wary when I joined this site and was afraid that there might be unhealthy discussions going on, but I'm so glad that i have joined. You've all been so open and wonderful. Each of your stories is so profoundly sad. Technology is a wonderful thing to allow people who are navigating grief at the same time to come together.

I'm not really religious, in fact I have trouble believing in anything specific, but I think I already mentioned that I've started reading a few books about NDE (Near Death Experiences) that are rather science-based and give me some hope that something continues after this world and some hope that I'll see my son again. In some ways the books are encouraging, but then sometimes they scare me when they talk about negative NDEs. I still don't know what I think of these studies. I just wish that God or the creator or whoever could just give me a little poke to let me know that he's got Jack and he's okay and i should just carry on because I will see him when my time comes. I don't know why that can't be. I know this is a theological question that so many people would have a different response to. I just don't understand why, if there is a greater power who loves me, that they couldn't just let me know. Stupid thoughts I know but I was raging about this issue earlier today.

This morning was awful - just breathing was a challenge. However, my husband and I had the house to ourselves this evening, took a lovely forest walk, and went through my son's room, just to tidy things up. (He sure was a messy one!) I couldn't help think that he'd not want us to tidy up his room, but it really needed to be done (food wrappers, etc.) In any case, we were comforted by this task and laughed thinking about stories that went along with each of the articles we found. My husband was surprised to find a sheet of paper where Jack was practicing forging my husband's name - the little rascal! I talked to Jack while we did it and now I'm feeling better than this morning as I get ready for bed tonight. MNNorthernLight we have some real similarities in our situation. My husband has signed us up for grief counselling as a family starting next week. I hope that that will be positive.

David, I like your ideas about writing to your son. I am a real documenter and have so many stories and pictures of Jack that I was thinking when I'm feeling a little more resilient, I might put together a book detailing our memories of Jack. I think just putting it together would be therapeutic. It would take a long time and lots of tears, but maybe be helpful? I'm so worried that the 9 year old will kind of forget a lot of "Jackness" that his brother had.

I'm so new to grief - not happy to be here - but am amazed at its cycles. Sometimes i feel quite strong and ready to move forward, and others I can't even put together dinner or do laundry (I still have Jack's to wash and am dreading that). It's scary because I don't know what I'll be feeling like when and people ask things like, do you think you feel up to... whatever and I just can't even really answer them. Weird things can trigger hysteric responses. We found his favourite sweatshirt today and I got so upset because it didn't smell like him anymore.

I do have a prescription for Lorazipan (I think that's how you spell it) which I take when I can feel my breathing get shallow or my chest start to tighten. It helps me to calm down a little and move along with the day. Has anyone else had experience with this prescription? I just want to make sure I'm not getting into trouble. I don't take it daily, have only used it when I'm feeling especially anxious. Comments? Also, have trouble getting and staying asleep so have been taking Gravol (an over-the counter anti-nauseant available in Canada). Does anyone else have trouble sleeping? Also, I haven't yet dreamed of Jack which i find really weird, since he's all I think about all day.

MNNorthern, I do appreciate your point about not over-doing it with the deceased child and being mindful to maintain healthy parenting of my nine year old. It helps to have a great spouse who will watch and comment if we seem to be doing that.

Thanks again to everyone - for sharing your stories and shedding a little bit of light in my very dark world.

Lulla27

[tantraman8]

Dear Lulla,

Not much energy right now, but want you to know that I am on a sleep med (for the first time ever), and an anti-anxiety med, which I also take VERY selectively. Right now, I CANNOT sleep without meds. I think lorazipam is generic for valium and I actually talked about my anti-anxiety med with my doc today. I have had the prescription since April 27th, 2 days after Josh passed and have only taken 10 of the original 30 day prescription. It sounds like you are being very cautious and responsible. And, I am grateful that I have a doc who is cautious as well. Some docs push meds. I do NOT want to be on anti-anxiety meds for the rest of my life....and I believe, as my body's shock and arousal lessens, so will the need for the meds. Glad you're on here. Your husband signing you up for grief counseling is huge. I have a few articles of Josh's clothing. Even though they were washed, don't have his smell, they are precious to me. So much of what you are experiencing is exactly how it was/is for me.

I saw my doc today about going on Family Medical leave, which for me means cutting work down from five days to four days a week. I have found that grieving is exhausting.....and that gentleness I receive from others brings me to tears, and gentleness that I give myself feels so important.

My "letters to Josh" really have taken the form of me "talking to him." Once, I actually had him write back to me. At first, I wrote almost every day. Now, I write when I have the energy. But, many times, it feels like a love letter from a father's heart. At those times, it felt/feels like part of my healing path. I feel like I'm rambling. Sending love and support to you, your husband and son.

David

[BreathofAngel]

Wow - thanks everyone - David, MNNorthernLight, Char's Mom and MBN. I don't know why it is, but reading your stories and learning about your strength is really reassuring. My husband was wary when I joined this site and was afraid that there might be unhealthy discussions going on, but I'm so glad that i have joined. You've all been so open and wonderful. Each of your stories is so profoundly sad. Technology is a wonderful thing to allow people who are navigating grief at the same time to come together.

I'm not really religious, in fact I have trouble believing in anything specific, but I think I already mentioned that I've started reading a few books about NDE (Near Death Experiences) that are rather science-based and give me some hope that something continues after this world and some hope that I'll see my son again. In some ways the books are encouraging, but then sometimes they scare me when they talk about negative NDEs. I still don't know what I think of these studies. I just wish that God or the creator or whoever could just give me a little poke to let me know that he's got Jack and he's okay and i should just carry on because I will see him when my time comes. I don't know why that can't be. I know this is a theological question that so many people would have a different response to. I just don't understand why, if there is a greater power who loves me, that they couldn't just let me know. Stupid thoughts I know but I was raging about this issue earlier today.

This morning was awful - just breathing was a challenge. However, my husband and I had the house to ourselves this evening, took a lovely forest walk, and went through my son's room, just to tidy things up. (He sure was a messy one!) I couldn't help think that he'd not want us to tidy up his room, but it really needed to be done (food wrappers, etc.) In any case, we were comforted by this task and laughed thinking about stories that went along with each of the articles we found. My husband was surprised to find a sheet of paper where Jack was practicing forging my husband's name - the little rascal! I talked to Jack while we did it and now I'm feeling better than this morning as I get ready for bed tonight. MNNorthernLight we have some real similarities in our situation. My husband has signed us up for grief counselling as a family starting next week. I hope that that will be positive.

David, I like your ideas about writing to your son. I am a real documenter and have so many stories and pictures of Jack that I was thinking when I'm feeling a little more resilient, I might put together a book detailing our memories of Jack. I think just putting it together would be therapeutic. It would take a long time and lots of tears, but maybe be helpful? I'm so worried that the 9 year old will kind of forget a lot of "Jackness" that his brother had.

I'm so new to grief - not happy to be here - but am amazed at its cycles. Sometimes i feel quite strong and ready to move forward, and others I can't even put together dinner or do laundry (I still have Jack's to wash and am dreading that). It's scary because I don't know what I'll be feeling like when and people ask things like, do you think you feel up to... whatever and I just can't even really answer them. Weird things can trigger hysteric responses. We found his favourite sweatshirt today and I got so upset because it didn't smell like him anymore.

I do have a prescription for Lorazipan (I think that's how you spell it) which I take when I can feel my breathing get shallow or my chest start to tighten. It helps me to calm down a little and move along with the day. Has anyone else had experience with this prescription? I just want to make sure I'm not getting into trouble. I don't take it daily, have only used it when I'm feeling especially anxious. Comments? Also, have trouble getting and staying asleep so have been taking Gravol (an over-the counter anti-nauseant available in Canada). Does anyone else have trouble sleeping? Also, I haven't yet dreamed of Jack which i find really weird, since he's all I think about all day.

MNNorthern, I do appreciate your point about not over-doing it with the deceased child and being mindful to maintain healthy parenting of my nine year old. It helps to have a great spouse who will watch and comment if we seem to be doing that.

Thanks again to everyone - for sharing your stories and shedding a little bit of light in my very dark world.

Lulla27

Dearest (((((((Lulla))))))), Thank you for sharing with us as well as the other comments to others that your experiences have elicited.

I am very sorry for the physical loss of your son and I know that times right now must be very difficult for you and your family but please know that we are here to help and I am a great listener as well as responder!

In particular, I would like to speak to the following things you have said: "I'm not really religious, in fact I have trouble believing in anything specific, but I think I already mentioned that I've started reading a few books about NDE (Near Death Experiences) that are rather science-based and give me some hope that something continues after this world and some hope that I'll see my son again. In some ways the books are encouraging, but then sometimes they scare me when they talk about negative NDEs. I still don't know what I think of these studies. I just wish that God or the creator or whoever could just give me a little poke to let me know that he's got Jack and he's okay and i should just carry on because I will see him when my time comes. I don't know why that can't be. I know this is a theological question that so many people would have a different response to. I just don't understand why, if there is a greater power who loves me, that they couldn't just let me know. Stupid thoughts I know but I was raging about this issue earlier today."

I have done extensive studies and research on NDEs and ADCs (After-Death Communications). I am also an Afterlife contactee. Yes, many books are science-based on NDEs but that is because there are many scientists, M.D.'s, Ph.D.s, etc. who are actively working on and researching this area of continuing life in spirit. Experiences prove that life does continue and that we will all soon find what it is like in that dimension of being where we will be reunited with our loved ones and share most happy moments together again!

And yes, just as you say, you will certainly see your son again! Where love exists there can be no separation! Not even time or space can separate two people or more who have love for one another through a family relationship or other close relationship.

Please don't let the negative NDEs discourage you! Some people have them because they are not open enough to the experience or the knowledge that life continues after their physical life ceases thus due to their disbelief and outright denial of these things they attract denser and more negative vibrational beings and of course, for a skeptic, they will attract many lower energies and entities due to the law of Cause and Effect (or your dis-belief will return to you in ways you don't expect). That is why it is good to learn as much as you can about the world you are going to next (the Afterlife) while you are still in this world! But most people who have had a NDE and have returned have let us know that there really is something pretty great out there in that other dimension of being and they have even seen Jesus! They describe beautiful beings of light who are very loving and supportive of them and they have even seen their loved ones in spirit who are quick to join them for the brief amount of time they are unconscious.

And don't worry, God will give you more than a little poke to let you know your son is o.k and passed safely into the world of spirit! It does not always come too soon but then God knows each and every person much better than anyone else since He created us all therefore, knows when to contact us through the various ways that He uses to reassure us that our loved ones have crossed over safely and are with Him. Dreams are the most common way God uses to communicate with us about these matters. He also allows our loved ones in spirit to come to us when they are ready. The only thing to be aware of is that Extreme Grief on our part can hold them back and can seriously prevent them from breaking the "grief barrier" we impose through our prolonged mourning that can thwart their coming to us sooner through a dream visit or another way.

The Holy Bible presents this Scripture to us regarding the fact that God speaks to us through dreams.

"In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then He openeth the ears of men: and sealeth their instruction," -- JOB 33:15-16 * (KJV)

Please be patient about God speaking to you as He knows exactly what you are feeling and how He is going to respond to your request for information about your dear son. It is all done in His time-frame not ours therefore we must practice patience and remember Patience is a virtue!

It is good you have found this forum to speak openly about what you would like to about your son and your present experience. There is also another section in this forum for NDEs and ADCs and I have just finished adding some new material that you may wish to read. My signature also contains a link at the very bottom to a great website that may bring some added comfort.

I know things will be hard especially since it is so new for you but know that you are not alone in this and that when Jack is ready, he will come to you perhaps in a dream visit to let you know that he is alright and not to worry! When a person goes to the Afterlife they must first learn to communicate with us back here since their dimension vibrates at a much higher rate than ours here and that is why it is difficult for us to see and hear our loved ones who visit us frequently, (unless one is clairvoyant and/or clairaudient) but they are by our side always! Like David says there are ways you can communicate with your son. One that many people use is to simply just sit down and write a letter to him telling him whatever it is you want for him to know. When the letter is finished read it aloud and he will be able to hear you! That is because the veil between our two worlds is so thin and they have the capability of hearing and seeing us where we are still at a disadvantage on doing that due to our limited frequency spectrum. There is so much I could speak about concerning the Afterlife that if you have any questions about this please feel free to just respond here and ask!

Again, I am very sorry for your loss but you must stand strong because it is not the end! You will see your son again and perhaps even hear from him when you least expect it!

May God bless you and your family and bring you peace, love, and great comfort!

[MBN]

Lulla27,

Back around 1974 (I was 14), my grandmother shared her NDE story with me. She had recently been very ill in the hospital and related a story of going through a tunnel into a beautiful meadow. The meadow was filled with flowers and there was a bright beautiful light and a feeling of overwhelming love and peace. She told me she saw her beloved husband (who had passed years before), who told her it was not her time yet. She didn't want to go back -- but she did. She had no doubt that she visited heaven. She did not fear death, because she knew it was a wonderful place.

Now this was way before I had ever heard anything about "NDE", and I'm not sure why she told me. I don't know that she ever told anyone else. But we were very close, my grandmother lived with us , she was like another mother to me. To hear this experience related by a trusted and beloved grandmother -- I *knew* it was true. It resonated with me so much, that have never forgotten what she said that day on the porch swing. The memory is crystal clear. When my grandmother died suddenly a few years later and it was so clear that her life force was gone from the earthly shell that was her body -- I never doubted that her essence/soul was eternal and that it was in heaven with my grandfather. Knowing that is what gets me through this. I also believe that she is taking care of my Nathan for me, that he is not alone, but is with people that I knew and loved in life. It occurs to me to wonder if she was prompted to share that with me (all those years ago) as part of God's loving plan to bring comfort to me in this present time of loss. Who knows?

If our God is loving and our spirits are eternal, then why can't our "passed" loved ones stay connected to us? Why can't they communicate, just a little, between dimensions? Maybe those signs of communication are clear, or maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. But it gives me comfort to think that he is near, that I haven't really lost him. I think I've seen signs -- but real or not, they make me feel better. They make me smile. So, I choose to believe they are real, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.

[BreathofAngel]

Lulla27,

Back around 1974 (I was 14), my grandmother shared her NDE story with me. She had recently been very ill in the hospital and related a story of going through a tunnel into a beautiful meadow. The meadow was filled with flowers and there was a bright beautiful light and a feeling of overwhelming love and peace. She told me she saw her beloved husband (who had passed years before), who told her it was not her time yet. She didn't want to go back -- but she did. She had no doubt that she visited heaven. She did not fear death, because she knew it was a wonderful place.

Now this was way before I had ever heard anything about "NDE", and I'm not sure why she told me. I don't know that she ever told anyone else. But we were very close, my grandmother lived with us , she was like another mother to me. To hear this experience related by a trusted and beloved grandmother -- I *knew* it was true. It resonated with me so much, that have never forgotten what she said that day on the porch swing. The memory is crystal clear. When my grandmother died suddenly a few years later and it was so clear that her life force was gone from the earthly shell that was her body -- I never doubted that her essence/soul was eternal and that it was in heaven with my grandfather. Knowing that is what gets me through this. I also believe that she is taking care of my Nathan for me, that he is not alone, but is with people that I knew and loved in life. It occurs to me to wonder if she was prompted to share that with me (all those years ago) as part of God's loving plan to bring comfort to me in this present time of loss. Who knows?

If our God is loving and our spirits are eternal, then why can't our "passed" loved ones stay connected to us? Why can't they communicate, just a little, between dimensions? Maybe those signs of communication are clear, or maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. But it gives me comfort to think that he is near, that I haven't really lost him. I think I've seen signs -- but real or not, they make me feel better. They make me smile. So, I choose to believe they are real, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Warm greetings, MBN!

It is good to hear from you! So as everyone can plainly see, there are more and still more people who have experienced NDEs as you have so nicely revealed to us! That is simply due to the fact that they do exist and are a very real part of our existence.

God does allow for people in spirit to continue to share things with those back in this world in order to bring us comfort, joy, and peace. That is truly wonderful of Him to allow this to happen and we should be very thankful and grateful for that!

Now, to answer your question about your feeling that our loved ones don't stay connected to us. The fact of the matter is that they DO! However, many people are not able to perceive their presence due to the differences between their higher frequency of vibration compared to our lower one. Those who are clairvoyant (clear seeing) and/or clairaudient (clear hearing) are able to see those in spirit and I have been advised that there is a person who very much sees and hears those in spirit!

To demonstrate what I am speaking about concerning the differences in vibrational frequency, let me use a plain square fan as an example, the type one would place on the floor or a chair, etc. in order to keep cool with. When the fan is disconnected you are able to see all of the fan blades, correct? Yes. That would be indicative of a person who is incarnate, alive in this world right now as you can plainly see them. Now what happens when you turn the fan on? The fan blades start rotating at such a high rate of speed that you may not be able to see them anymore. That does not mean they are not there but only that they are vibrating at a much higher speed now that they have become invisible to the eye. That is the same as spirit's new rate of vibration. Those in spirit are vibrating at such a high rate compared to ours that we can no longer see them for the most part but that does not mean they are not there because they are! We are just not able to see or discern them anymore as when they vibrated at a lower rate of vibration when in their physical body.

And MBN, they do communicate with us not just a little but a lot! The reason one cannot perceive that, again is due to the fact that many people are so stubborn in believing that it is actually happening and that it is not their mind playing tricks on them that they will always cause themselves not to see when it does happen. That is most unfortunate. If they were only on the ball and ready to receive such communication they would be floored at what they could perceive as happening right before their eyes!

The signs ARE clear so it is not just wishful thinking on your part. But you must be in the right frame of mind to receive good communication. There are many different ways that spirit uses to communicate with us. Once back in spirit they are very adept at manipulating energy. Therefore, don't be surprised if you see your t.v. set suddenly go on when you least expect it and no one physically turned it on. Also, don't be surprised to hear the telephone ring or an electrical item go off or something drop to the floor or make a sound but there is no explanation for that sound or noise. That Is Spirit At Work to let you know they are there with you!

Spirit best communicates with us during the dream state, however. Since we all leave our physical body when we are dreaming and go to the astral planes to wander around, we are able to visit our loved ones in spirit quite easily when we are in that spiritual state in higher vibration. Many people are not able to recollect their dream visits with spirit, however. That is because when we wake up we return to the physical world where full retention of the visit becomes difficult to accomplish. What happens here is that the brain steps aside and it is the Mind that retains the experience. But the mind is not always cooperative enough to allow us to fully examine the experience once we have had it especially since it took place in another dimension. Therefore, I would recommend for everyone who dreams, and who doesn't, to keep a Dream Diary close to their bed at all times. The moment you awaken in the morning and you know you have had a dream visit from a loved one in spirit, Write Down What Is Still Fresh In Your Mind About the Experience! Do this quickly before the mind goes on to things pertaining to the order of the day and obfuscates your thought processes to thwart your recollection.

Other ways in which spirit communicates with us is when you are driving and have been thinking about your loved one and remember a unique phrase or saying they used to use or say and suddenly a car drives up in front of you and you see a bumper sticker or license plate bearing those exact words or phrase. Spirit can use that method to communicate with us. Also, you may be thinking about your loved one when suddenly a song comes on the radio that he or she used to love or enjoy listening to. Know that there are no coincidences! That is their way of saying they are there with you and hear that you want to hear from them.

I am very glad that you are broad-minded enough to choose to believe that the signs you have seen are real, because they are! And no one should criticize you for that at all. Usually it is those who stay in "skeptical mode" who would try to dissuade you from believing in your otherwise very real experience. But you know what you see, hear, and experience so keep that with you and as you say, it does not matter what anyone else thinks. It shouldn't! If they choose not to believe that is their personal choice. But to those of us who do believe based on what we have seen and continue to see and hear, it is very real and quite beautiful to know that our loved ones continue to follow us around in spirit and are with us always!

May God bless you and your loved ones and please feel free to ask whatever question(s) you may have concerning the Afterlife. I have done years of research in this area and have had many personal experiences that have led me to know, unequivocally, that the Afterlife dimension is very real and my experiences have been profound. To that end, I feel my calling is to continue to study and do research in this area and dialog with those professionals who are in the know about this matter.

[lulla27]

Thanks again everyone. David, I hope you got some much needed sleep, and MBN, I really do appreciate that story about your grandmother. Interestingly I remember sitting with my grandmother in her kitchen years and years ago and casually asking her if she could please haunt me when she dies, so that I know that she's out there. She very casually said, "Sure!" I've had nothing yet from her (10 years later) but love her and miss her dearly. I still have considerable skepticism about NDEs and certainly about communication between... the next world? and here. However, I am finding some small amount of comfort in at least the possibility that there is something afterwards. BreathofAngel, I appreciate your enthusiastic response, but to be honest, it overwhelms me a little bit. I don't respond to biblical passages the same way that you do and I'm really just trying to think critically about all of this information, which has never of course really mattered to me until I lost my little Jack. (14 years old, not so little physically, but still a momma's boy ) I watched a BBC special last night (at least most of it on Netflix) entitled I think "The Day I Died" and it was very interesting. Positive in its portrayal of NDEs but many scientists had theories for why things were happening the way they were. What never got explained, and what catches me, is how some many people have similar experiences, even in the years (pre-1975) before people spoke of NDEs to be aware of the "patterns" of experiences that people go through. I also like that in the books I've read, the experiences have been similar across a variety of faiths (Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist) which really makes sense to me. I do hope that they continue to do this research in a careful and unbiased way and are able to ... I don't know. I guess I don' t want them to be able to explain what happens, do I? I love science, but I want this to be beyond our scientific understanding. Many scientists feel that it is explainable, but they haven't really been able to capture explanations for all the parts of the experience, and that makes me happy

Watching and reading about these things has given me some brief peace, but the bottom line is that we all just miss our loved ones so much. I'm so worried about the first day of school, when I watch Jack's school bus go by, and then his birthday, and then Christmas. I have no idea how I am going to get through these events sanely and in a way that allows my nine year old to be able to enjoy Christmas without feeling guilty for his blubbering mother. I guess that's just worrying about things that are too far in the future.

I've been blessed with a two month paid leave from my employer, which is very generous and for which I'm tremendously grateful. Truth be told, I'll probably go back sooner, maybe part time at first, because I'm sure that if I just sit around the house alone, I'll just fall apart.

Hugs to you all for your sharing. I look forward to logging on to see what other insights you can offer.

Lulla

[Susie_q512]

lulla27,

I am so very sorry that you and others here have suffered such great loss and devastation too. My name Susan, and my 16 yr old daughter, Shannon, was killed in a car accident about a mile from our home on September 20, 2011. Since that day, my life has collapsed completely. I died that day. I was in absolute shock for the first 4 1/2 to 6 months. Shock slowly begins to wear away, but for me, it still seems to be active.....or maybe it's just denial? I have no words of advise or comfort worthy of mention, as I am so very lost and overwhelmed myself. I will be holding you and the others here close to my heart. Prayers that we each feel the love and continued connection to the sweet spirits of all our angels.

[lulla27]

Susan - your daughter is beautiful and I'm so sad for your loss. My family and I started grief counselling today for what it's worth. I have cried harder today than I have in the less than three weeks since he's been gone. It's so hard to talk to anyone about this grief except for another parent who has suffered - the pain is so acute and constant. I miss my son in ways that I cannot even express, as I'm sure you can understand. I want to share this picture of my son with you - I'm not sure why. I just take some solace in showing him off to the world and telling everyone what a wonderful boy he was and how profoundly I love and miss him. I hope that you find comfort soon.

[Susie_q512]

lulla27 - Thank you for sharing your son's picture.....so handsome, and like all our angels, he has that very beautiful and special smile!

I can not remember many details of the time since Shannon's death, but I remember every detail of the pain, the longing, the torment.....I remember that it felt as though every cell of my body were reaching, stretching for her. It was a physical pain so unique and unlike anything I have ever experienced. It crippled me,and brought me to points in which I was sure I could not survive another second of the torment. It lasted like that for about 4 1/2 to 6 months. I questioned constantly how my heart could continue to beat, how my lungs could continue to draw another jagged breath? I'm still in awe of my body's ability to continue "living and functioning.".....makes no sense to me. The magnitude is so vast and far reaching. There is not one single area of life or self that has not been stripped bare....it seems there is nothing left to hold onto or hope in anymore. I have come to believe that maybe we simply survive....maybe at some later point in time, a few years down the road, the rebuilding begins, but first we must survive this entity called grief. I haven't "arrived" yet....still in survival mode, and it's a stretch to call it that. I'm here. I still have a pulse, which I resent. I'm mostly vertical and going through the feigned motions of life.....that's all I can do, and I'm trying to be okay with "It's Enough." It's enough that I try, that I fake my way through for right now....it's all I've got.

Everyone says to be gentle with yourself. That basically means to try to eat and sleep, and allow yourself to grieve. You (we) have a long, long way to go. It's not easy. Come here often and allow others to encourage, love and support you. This site and the wonderful people here have been a lifesaver for many. Prayers for you and your family. (When you feel able, please share your son with us. We love and honor all our angels' lives.....we never tire of hearing about them.)

[lulla27]

I'm looking back at the posts and at my first entry for this string. It's now 9 1/2 weeks since I spoke to my son and it's amazing how it seems like an eternity and just yesterday at the same time. I read over what I wrote and it makes me so sad, because I thought after one week we'd hit rock bottom, but the pain just slowly intensified and strengthened. I would say now I'm at least more mobile. I still can't get my act together to get too motivated at home, but I have gone out for a couple of runs and listened to music that helps me think of Jack. I end up running way too hard in rage, and then crying while I walk. Im sure I'm quite a sight, but I don't care. It's therapeutic. By the time I get home I'm spent and can just be a zombie for a little while. My son's school is dedicating a tree to him next week. Very nice - but I can't help but freak out that last year he was a vibrant contributor to the school... and now he's a TREE! - and then the next day is his birthday. Our first without him. I can't imagine how that will be. For those of you who got through that horrible first birthday (and then Christmas two months later - unbelievable) - how did you do it??? I don't want to completely disintegrate in front of my little nine year old son, but that's what I'm afraid I'll do.

Also, another bereaved mom suggest I try going to a medium - she said she had lots of success and comfort from one and goes once a month. It's not really my thing, but am desperate for comfort. Any thoughts, positive or negative?

Lisa

[Angel'sSon]

I'm looking back at the posts and at my first entry for this string. It's now 9 1/2 weeks since I spoke to my son and it's amazing how it seems like an eternity and just yesterday at the same time. I read over what I wrote and it makes me so sad, because I thought after one week we'd hit rock bottom, but the pain just slowly intensified and strengthened. I would say now I'm at least more mobile. I still can't get my act together to get too motivated at home, but I have gone out for a couple of runs and listened to music that helps me think of Jack. I end up running way too hard in rage, and then crying while I walk. Im sure I'm quite a sight, but I don't care. It's therapeutic. By the time I get home I'm spent and can just be a zombie for a little while. My son's school is dedicating a tree to him next week. Very nice - but I can't help but freak out that last year he was a vibrant contributor to the school... and now he's a TREE! - and then the next day is his birthday. Our first without him. I can't imagine how that will be. For those of you who got through that horrible first birthday (and then Christmas two months later - unbelievable) - how did you do it??? I don't want to completely disintegrate in front of my little nine year old son, but that's what I'm afraid I'll do.

Also, another bereaved mom suggest I try going to a medium - she said she had lots of success and comfort from one and goes once a month. It's not really my thing, but am desperate for comfort. Any thoughts, positive or negative?

Lisa

Lulla...Your son passed away one day before my son did.

I miss him so much. He was my best friend. I still feel like I'm in a daze and just wanting him back!!!! Having our children gone is such a bad feeling. I feel I want to wake up and Dustin will be with me...No it's not going to happen!!! I love my son so much...He had a wife and baby girl, 10 months old. Some days I don't know how I will make it, but I guess I have to. So sorry for your loss!!!!! I'm so angry with god for taking me son!!!! I may not have good answers for you except to know that you are not alone. I have pictures of my son on my profile. I think about Dustin from the time I wake up til the time I go to bed. I thought I would go before any of my kids. Boy, was I wrong!!! Just keep posting cos when i read all the posts on here it may not help me losing Dustin, but it helps to know I'm not alone!!!!

[Vijayabanu]

Hi lull 27.... This is Kiran's mom Banu .....from India.... I lost my 20 year old son on 16th June...I just read the posts....don't have the energy to post... Rarely I do post.... I know what it is to lose a son...we all do here... I feel I hv no purpose in life...no future.. No path ahead...just want to curl up in bed all the time... But somehow muster enough strength to go on....you ll know now how a robot works... We ll become like one.. Some times I feel I have lost my ability to love...to feel compassionate.. To be kind.. When hear a older persons death all I can feel is..when I lost my 20 year old... Dying at 60 s or 70 s is fine... Then I feel bad abt myself.. I m still pining for him...for the voice.. The hug...the laughter...the liveliness in the home... The house looks like a graveyard now... I also feel dead....something deep inside has died... I don't think I ll ever get it.. I ll b in ouch with u...take care

A week ago today I lost my oldest child, my 14 year old son. He had a leisurely morning, slept in, cleaned his room, showered, had his best bud over for a few video games, then headed out to longboard around our neighbourhood. Unfortunately he took a terrible fall and sustained a head injury from which he never recovered. We were with him within minutes and he never had any neurological responses, so I've been told he was pretty much dead instantly, which is good I suppose because he experienced neither pain nor fear. He leaves behind a lonely 9 year old brother, a loving and dedicated father - my husband, and myself, a mother who is utterly lost and desperately sad. We have wonderful neighbours, community and extended family, but I don't have any idea how I am going to go on. I don' t have any idea how to even make myself want to go on. My son and I were really close, shared the same sense of humour and I was so excited to watch him grow up. He had just completed his first year of high school, and while he didn't work as hard as he could have, he did well in his classes and made new friends who were so positive and kind. I just am so sad and afraid that things will never ever be right. I can't imagine ever being able to have joy in our home again, and yet I'm determined to do so for our younger son. I read about people who are grieving lost ones and see their pain months and years later and I wonder how I am going to live out the rest of my life feeling like this. I'm not suicidal, but am very broken. Is there anyone out there who lost a child and has found a way to move forward??? I've only been without my boy for a week, and I know that I shouldn't expect to feel any comfort soon, and I don't have that expectation, but I want to know if anyone has been able to eke out a meaningful life or happy existence after an event like this. Please help. Please tell me what to expect and what to do. I'm so sad and afraid.

[JD99501]

I don't know....how to approach something like this. From the left? The right? Off the top of your head? or out your a**? I lost my son when he was 15. SUDEP took him in his sleep. 2007,2007,2007 the year I lost him. You asked how you get through it after all you read about everyones loss. I found him dead that morning in his room on the floor. O_o Lunacy has been my only companion since...........But here I am alive (if you want to call it that) I discovered that the grief was so deep so powerfull eveyday people around me couldn't deal with it. So you start to live two lives. One reacting and being with the people and the insane surreal environment of the mix of feelings from guilt to new found anxieties. Not trying to make you feel worse. The loss of a child has nothing normal to it....nothing..... There is no "I am sorries" or etc........ that will mean anything. there is no getting over it or it should be over by nows either should be tolerated. You get used to it like one would get used to being treated in a inturment camp. Becomes part of the routine. So here I am after all these years. Eating potatoe salad and had to spit the mouth full out because I had a sudden flashback of my last meal my son ate. Hot dogs and rice. We had just moved into a new place the fridge was pretty bare. What I was eating was much better than that. So in the trash it went mouthfull then the rest of it bowl and all. I am new to this site and I hope I don't get chopped up for my candor. The best thing you can do is reach out to those who have been through it becasue it is simple no one else is going to get it.

[Vijayabanu]

Hi JD 99501

I m sorry formyr loss... No one will mind anything here,.. I m also travelling this terrible path... A little later... There is another forum...loss of an adult child... U can post there...it's a very active forum..

it's the same feeling we all have... Dead...robotic...double roll... The real me and the artificial me outsiders see... Even though I cry every nownthen outside...it's mostly night times..when I am left alone to grieve for my son who drowned... How did u lose yours... This was not supposed to happen...here we r...trying to hold each other and try to walk.... Take care

I don't know....how to approach something like this. From the left? The right? Off the top of your head? or out your a**? I lost my son when he was 15. SUDEP took him in his sleep. 2007,2007,2007 the year I lost him. You asked how you get through it after all you read about everyones loss. I found him dead that morning in his room on the floor. O_o Lunacy has been my only companion since...........But here I am alive (if you want to call it that) I discovered that the grief was so deep so powerfull eveyday people around me couldn't deal with it. So you start to live two lives. One reacting and being with the people and the insane surreal environment of the mix of feelings from guilt to new found anxieties. Not trying to make you feel worse. The loss of a child has nothing normal to it....nothing..... There is no "I am sorries" or etc........ that will mean anything. there is no getting over it or it should be over by nows either should be tolerated. You get used to it like one would get used to being treated in a inturment camp. Becomes part of the routine. So here I am after all these years. Eating potatoe salad and had to spit the mouth full out because I had a sudden flashback of my last meal my son ate. Hot dogs and rice. We had just moved into a new place the fridge was pretty bare. What I was eating was much better than that. So in the trash it went mouthfull then the rest of it bowl and all. I am new to this site and I hope I don't get chopped up for my candor. The best thing you can do is reach out to those who have been through it becasue it is simple no one else is going to get it.

[angelzone]

I would suggest trying to find some answers, as I did. I would not be satisfied until I could find out what happens when one dies.... and I did.

 

www.georgeanderson.com   This site can be quite helpful if you are open. I've had a reading with Mr. Anderson, and I can say with all confidence that meeting with a REAL medium can resolve some of your pain. It did for me, once I knew that my 13 year old son was okay.