Physical Problems & Need for a Reality Check

[tantraman8]

Dear all,

Since my son Joshua passed, I have had a digestive system that has been inflamed. It feels like a skinned knee on the inside, raw and tender. I believe my adrenals have been stuck in fight/flight arousal for the past almost four months. Can anyone relate?? And, has it abated/gone away as your healing has progressed?? It is hard enough feeling the pain and loneliness of Josh's absence in this realm, but feeling awful physically takes an incredible amount of energy.

I am so grateful for this site and EVERYONE on it, those who are much further down the road of healing and those, who like me, whose loss is fresh and pain like mine. Any feedback on my physical stuff would be appreciated. Thanks!

PS: It's gone now, but for the past three weeks, I had a back ache. I NEVER get those, or if I do, they last a day or two. This atypical physical stuff is scary.

Love to all,

David

[shorty16]

Tuscon David

The physical pain that comes with lossing a child is over whelming - especially the first year.

I never realized that I could be in this much physical pain and still survive.

Yes, this too will subside. Your body and mind are going through one of the worst things any parent has to deal with.

The pain will subside both in severity and length between episodes.

It may benefit you to go to the doctor just to have it checked out, but the physical pain is part of this grief.

David, it is parents like me, who were thrust into this crazy ride, that find some hapiness in helping others new to this crazieness. Also, have you lost every single thing you set down? Forgetfullness is also part of the ride.

This is no fun, but you will survive.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[517958]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I too had a lot of physical symptoms after Charlotte's accident. My whole body felt numb for probably 3 months. I had a pain in my chest constantly for probably 6 months. I thought for sure I would die of broken heart syndrome or that my heart would just stop beating. Sometimes I even willed it to stop but I guess that old cliche is true - a broken heart still beats. I also had such a lump in my stomach. For a while I couldn't eat anything. Then I tried to make the emptiness in my stomach go away with food but no amount of food would make it go away. The mental problems last longer than the physical ones (at least for me). I still sometimes wake up and it takes me a while to figure out what day it is which I never did before I lost Char. I can't remember anything and I used to be a human calendar. I have to write everything down now. I'm not sure if that will ever go away. Losing a child is the worst loss a person can go through. At least I hope it's the worst because if there's something worse than this, I don't even want to know what it is.

[lulla27]

My son has only been gone two weeks (exactly today ) and I get such a tightness in my chest that I worry I'm having some sort of attack. Also, my appetite had diminished completely, but it's slowly coming back. We were a family who loved eating - Jack was getting to be a great cook! - but food just doesn't do anything. It's like anything that used to evoke pleasure or joy is just completely off limits somehow. Forgetfulness, yes, although I was always a little flakey that way (as was Jack). I would say it's the emotional pain, the panic of hysteria that I feel creeping up every 4-5 hours that leaves me wanting to be housebound. I love to just lay on his bed and look out the window, so see the view he had each morning when he woke up. I hope that you are all finding some relief from your physical suffering. I tried to go for a run today, but only did about 2/3 of what I'd planned before I burst into tears and had to head home. There is something about pushing your body physically I guess that seems to cause it to push back.

Thinking of you all...

Lulla27

[gratefulone]

Lulla,

I am so sorry for your loss. If there is one thing I can say is " keep moving forward". even if you get stuck at a palce for a while .. it's ok.. but keep moving forward."

I have has an older sister who has been stuck for about 11 years. Her son passed away and she is miserable. She totally terrified to feel the things you are feeling. She comes about it honestly as I have other family memebrs who are the same. they are unwilling to look at their lives and realtionships and their part in the broken ones.

My relationship with my sister was broken beofre my nephew's deah. Thta is how I ended up helping to raise my sister's children and have helped my borther in the past !! BtUt no more.. the cost to me has been too great. Mostly finacnially but not spiritually !!

I have now had to disconnect my phone and get na unlisted number so my sister cannot call and harrass me. She is also addicted to men and pain medication !! A tragic death as the loss of a child can make a person stronger... ( like me) or like my sister.. highlight their weaknesses !!

I do pray for her and ask others to pray for her also I myself am movign forward slowly.. slowly but I *am* moving forward. I jsut wish *money* was so important to do the things to help others. Especialyl my nephew's group of friends who are still also in a lot of pain..and his siter too. Who basically lost her mother and father again due to the giref.

[lulla27]

Gratefulone, isn't it wonderful that your family has you! So many heartbreaking stories out there. Sorry that we are linked together in our grief. I'm writing now as I hope for sleep without any mess to bring it on. I'm afraid it's going to be a long night! Sleeping in my son's room again listening to the cricketts and missing him. Playing through the "what ifs" for the thousandth time today. Hope your sister can have an awakening to earn you and her family back. Take care.

[MBN]

The day Nathan died, we were two weeks away from our usual, planned summer vacation trip to the mountains. We had enough time to make the necessary arrangements, host relatives, etc -- and then we escaped to our retreat. It was enormously healing, and literally gave us some space to grieve and come to terms with our loss. Nathan wasn't coming this year anyway (school schedule), and we did everything we had originally planned. We spent time with family and friends, hiked and backpacked, and did whatever we felt like, away from the daily pressures.

I don't know that this kind of thing is possible for everyone. But for us, it helped during those first awful grief-stricken weeks. I could escape into the mountains and go hiking, and wear myself out physically so I could sleep. Or, we could just sleep in and rest. Whatever we needed. We were there for over two weeks. By the time we had to go home, the raw chest-ripping grief had eased up a bit, and I was ready (mostly) to go back to my regular life.

I still have nights where I can't sleep, days when I eat too much (or not at all). Focusing at work is sometimes impossible. I backed into a mailbox a couple of weeks ago and dinged my bumper. I usually feel tired -- I drag myself through the days. I skip workouts in favor of another hour of sleep. One night last week I woke up at midnight and stared at the clock until 2:30 am. I still get the tightness in my chest sometimes. I still cry every day. I understand. I see things gradually improving, and I believe it will continue to get better .... with time.

Getting away was helpful, so we are planning little weekends away. I have a trip coming up next month (previously planned). I should be wildly excited about that trip, but it's hard to muster much enthusiasm. But, I am still going. The distractions help as does something to look forward to.

[tantraman8]

The day Nathan died, we were two weeks away from our usual, planned summer vacation trip to the mountains. We had enough time to make the necessary arrangements, host relatives, etc -- and then we escaped to our retreat. It was enormously healing, and literally gave us some space to grieve and come to terms with our loss. Nathan wasn't coming this year anyway (school schedule), and we did everything we had originally planned. We spent time with family and friends, hiked and backpacked, and did whatever we felt like, away from the daily pressures.

I don't know that this kind of thing is possible for everyone. But for us, it helped during those first awful grief-stricken weeks. I could escape into the mountains and go hiking, and wear myself out physically so I could sleep. Or, we could just sleep in and rest. Whatever we needed. We were there for over two weeks. By the time we had to go home, the raw chest-ripping grief had eased up a bit, and I was ready (mostly) to go back to my regular life.

I still have nights where I can't sleep, days when I eat too much (or not at all). Focusing at work is sometimes impossible. I backed into a mailbox a couple of weeks ago and dinged my bumper. I usually feel tired -- I drag myself through the days. I skip workouts in favor of another hour of sleep. One night last week I woke up at midnight and stared at the clock until 2:30 am. I still get the tightness in my chest sometimes. I still cry every day. I understand. I see things gradually improving, and I believe it will continue to get better .... with time.

Getting away was helpful, so we are planning little weekends away. I have a trip coming up next month (previously planned). I should be wildly excited about that trip, but it's hard to muster much enthusiasm. But, I am still going. The distractions help as does something to look forward to.

Sorry for your loss of Nathan and thanks for posting in my topic. I am actually taking meds to sleep, but, as I'm typing this, I'm sitting in the dark up, off and on since 2:30 AM. Thanks for listing the physical stuff. I really relate to the appetite stuff. Before Josh died, I was a foodie. I didn't overeat, but I ate for the joy of the different tastes and colors. Now, I derive joy from very little. We (my kids and I) cancelled our trip to the Lake Erie Islands this year. It would have been too painful to be in that area, around all those places that had years of Josh in them, but hopefully next year. "Dragging myself through days" is such an appropriate description. The worst part for me, not being in a relationship, is that I come home, alone, to my little house. The work day, actually, is the distraction, but I have found that my body is exhausted, so I am cutting back my work from five days a week to four. I need time to rest.....but it's a catch 22 because, in many ways, the days are harder without work to distract me. I read from others, and in my "Dealing With Loss" meditation book, that things improve with time. I'm grateful for that, and it's hard to hold onto when the days are mostly heavy and dark.

Again, thanks for the reality check around the physical stuff. Hopefully, as our spirits heal, our bodies will as well.

With Love and Support,

David

[tantraman8]

Tuscon David

The physical pain that comes with lossing a child is over whelming - especially the first year.

I never realized that I could be in this much physical pain and still survive.

Yes, this too will subside. Your body and mind are going through one of the worst things any parent has to deal with.

The pain will subside both in severity and length between episodes.

It may benefit you to go to the doctor just to have it checked out, but the physical pain is part of this grief.

David, it is parents like me, who were thrust into this crazy ride, that find some hapiness in helping others new to this crazieness. Also, have you lost every single thing you set down? Forgetfullness is also part of the ride.

This is no fun, but you will survive.

Dear Colleen,

Thank you for this compassionate reply. In the midst of my body feeling raw and burdened, it REALLY helps to hear ANYTHING about things getting better. AND... (on the topic of losing things, I have locked my keys in the car and "lost" the flashlight I use when trying to avoid "not nice" desert critters. The flashlight turned out to be on the table a few feet from where I am typing right now! Bless you for your support. It really helps.

Love,

David

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[tantraman8]

Gratefulone, isn't it wonderful that your family has you! So many heartbreaking stories out there. Sorry that we are linked together in our grief. I'm writing now as I hope for sleep without any mess to bring it on. I'm afraid it's going to be a long night! Sleeping in my son's room again listening to the cricketts and missing him. Playing through the "what ifs" for the thousandth time today. Hope your sister can have an awakening to earn you and her family back. Take care.

Dear Lulla,

Thank you for all of your posts on here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and sleeping in his room, listening to the crickets makes so much sense to me. When I was in Ohio, for Josh's memorial, I got a few of his t-shirts and sweatshirts. I've held them and cried. I'm a little more than 4 months out from Josh's passing and I've applied for family medical leave to cut my work hours down from 40 to 32 per week. THIS KIND of loss, this kind of shock has taken a huge toll on my energy, so you lying on his bed, you feeling immobilized at times, is right on line with my experience.

When Josh first passed, in April, I was off of work from the 26th of April until May 21st. Life and time and energy all change. Anyhow, I sometimes wish all of us on here could be in one great living room, so we could hold each other. Sending you love and support.

David