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gettingstronger

Is this normal

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6 months ago, I started a new job that is very demanding and one that I had to learn all aspects.  After being employed only 2 months, it was discovered my mother had cancer.  I was allowed to work from home while I took care of her.  Within 2 months, she passed away.   That was the hardest time in my life - I worked hard to take care of her and also get my normal work done.  I now have the regret that I worked during the times that she was ok - such as watching tv.  I should have spent that special time with her. 

After her death, I returned to work within a week because it was expected.  Each day is fastpaced and a learning experience on a high level.  I associate my mothers death with the job as I had to work so many hours a day trying to juggle both.  It makes me physical ill each morning when I pull in the parking lot and I can't seem to focus, etc. 

I should also mentioned that she was my best friend for 38 years and I miss her daily. 

Is this normal??  Your thoughts would be so helpful please!

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It's so normal............I'm so sorry for your loss and your stress.  I'm going back to work on day 19 after losing my mom......I'm scared about walking into stressors.

I hope that the days get easier for you.

 

Jessica

 

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Getting stronger,

I'm going through what you are - I lost my brother on October 16th.  He had a heart attack and died a few days later.  I worked with my brother, although he was in a different program, we still were employed by the same agency.  I went to work 3 days after the funeral. 

To make a long story short, I tried really hard to get back to a "normal" work life.  Unfortunately, I did not have a supportive boss and he continually belittled me.  I began having panic attacks at work and would spend time sitting in my office, with the door closed, crying my eyes out.

I am now on a stress leave and am reevaluating my whole career choice.  I would like to change jobs completely and start fresh somewhere else.  I remember the days driving to work and feeling the dread at pulling up in the parking lot.

I put up with work for about 8 weeks after my brother died.  I've now been off work for 6 weeks.  This time has helped me put my life in perspective and I've tried to set new goals for my future. 

I hope that you are able to find ways to reduce your stress too.  I wish you all the best during this difficult time.

Linda

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Thank you both for your support.  I'm so happy to know that what I was experiencing is normal.  the pain is unreal at times and the nightmares won't stop.  But I know, one day I will overcome this and will be a stronger person that would make my mom proud.

Jessica, I'm truly sorry about your recent loss.  I hope that my description of how I hated to go to work everyday did not cause you stress!  For many, I believe going back to work and getting back into a routine is good.  You have to be patient with yourself and know that you will not be as you were before yet.  However, remember that you are strong, have faith, and follow your intuition of what is best for you.  If a stressor gets to you, take a break (even if it is going outside to sit in your car to think).  Actually, I think I will take the advice I just gave you and determine what is best for me at this time.  I wish you the best in this difficult time!

Linda, I'm sorry about the loss of your brother!  Good for you in taking a stand in determing what you need to do!  I would love to take a month or so off work and try to get my life back in order, but unfortunately, I cannot do so.  Have you decided on a career choice?  You have a wonderful opportunity to get a fresh start and I'm so glad you do! 

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i feel the same way you do to i lost my mom last year and i feel so badly for the last few months for not quiting all my computer groups etc and just sitting with her all day and all night.. when she was dying at home the nurses encouraged me to get out so i did, i wish i hadnt of. it hurts to much to go into detail now of where i went and why but i regret it a lot even though i was just gone for about a hour each time i was gone. and i only left 2 times. still though i wish that i hadnt left at all. i still picture the death gurney that took her out of here they had covered her body with a grey blanket. and i still remember her tiny form under the blanket going out the door the last time ever.. i wanted so badly to run and go and grab her and hold her and never let her go even though she was dead. but all i could do was stand there and look..  she was so tiny under there you could barely tell there was a body under there..  she weighed so little at death..  even now as i write this i am sitting here crying remembering it... i feel the same way you do i am in a state of horror and shock ....

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10 months ago yesterday, my Mom passed away. I don't know what is normal, I've never been in this place before...such loss and such loneliness, and some days it's okay, other days, it's just a challenge to keep breathing. Who understands that but those who have gone through this? At times I feel so very alone and wonder if that's what the rest of my life will be like. When my Mom passed away, I too remember them taking her out of the palliative care room and I couldn't believe that was my Mom. So very hard when I remember that time and that image. I miss her so much, I am going through something deeply personal in my life and I so want to talk to her and hear her tell me it will be okay, no matter what the outcome. She was my best friend and I can't talk to her about what's going on in my life. I guess whatever we feel is right for us and no matter how lonesome it gets, we have to carry on anyway. Many people have told me the first year is the hardest and many have told me the second year is hardest. Does it matter in the end? It's hard all the way around...yesterday it felt like she's been gone a million years and it also felt like she just left a moment ago. None of it makes sense to me, all I know is what I feel and how absolutely lonely I feel inside all the time.

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I know some of what you are feeling, when the bad times hit, but so much of the time I still feel pretty numb, and it has been six months.  Doesn't that seem like a long time to just be going through the motions and not really dealing with the loss head on?  I've had some crying jags when I've gone to her house, which is empty now, or just out of the blue when I am missing her terribly, but for the most part right I just feel down and depressed in general.  I've been experiencing chest pains and palpitations, and my doctor has prescribed some thing for the anxiety, which has helped.  Every now and then it's like I get a glimpse in my mind of how terrible it's going to get, and for a moment I feel this awful pain, but it's like it never really surfaces.  For some reason I think that when the weather breaks, it's going to all come crashing down.  Beautiful spring days will remind me so much of my mom, even though she wasn't able to get around well.  We still planted flowers in her yard, and would sit out on her porch and enjoy the beautiful days.  I was very close to my mom, and although she had been in poor health for quite a while, she was still a very strong, brave woman who helped me become who I am, through her beliefs and actions and love for her family, friends, and the less fortunate.  I think my mind hasn't wrapped itself around the fact that I'll never see her again, you know?  I saw her almost daily, and even though I have my own family, I always made time for her.  She was the person I went to with my problems, ideas, and still I feel the need to call her up the minute I get some interesting news, or get excited about something happening in my life.  This level of functioning reminds me of a number of years ago when I was on antidepressents.  Even when I wanted to cry, it was sometimes difficult to bring it to the surface.  Other times it's easy to feel the pain, and let it out, but after losing my dad when I was younger, the way I'm feeling now just doesn't seem 'normal.'  I dread when the dam breaks and everything hits full force!! She was my best friend, bar none, and maybe this is just my mind's way of leading me into this despair gradually so that it doesn't swallow me up.  I read all of your stories, though, and I know that when things do come crashing down, I will know that there are others out there going through it with me.  I appreciate that greatly!! 

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