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connorsmom

Just lost my mom...........

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It was my birthday (39th) and I get the call from my sister that my mom needs to go to the hospital NOW.  My husband heads out ahead of me.  I arrive at the house to see mom barely alive on an ambulance......I get to the hospital and she's coding..........then in a matter of minutes she was gone.  We found out later that she had an aneurysm. 

I miss her so much. She was the best grandmother......my friend that I talked to daily.  I just ache.

Looking for others to get through the misery with.

Thank you,

Jessica

 

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Connnorsmom - How very sorry I am for your huge loss...but I believe you have come to a forum where you will find support while you try to find your way thru the emotions you have and will have.  That your loss happened on your birthday will no doubt bring very mixed feelings from now on...how to celebrate a day that you are use to being happy on now that it is the same as the day you have lost so much.  I lost my own mom very suddenly, got home from work to receive a call that she had been in an accident....rushed to get to the hospital only to be told she had died at the scene.  She too was my very best friend, we had lunch daily and went on lots of adventures together.  She was the glue that held the pieces of my puzzled life together.  It's now been almost 2 1/2 years since that day.  I came here to these boards and read and posted and I've found it to be extremely helpful.  I do hope you will visit these sites any time you feel a need to share all that you wish to share.  Again, so very sorry for your loss, please try to take care of yourself, and remember to breathe.

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I understand the hurt/loss/panic you feel about losing your mom.  I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly from an aneurism on April 25, 2007.  I still struggle every day with that loss.  She was my bestfriend.  I miss her more than words can say.  I still cry almost every day because she is not here with me.   My mother, who was so excited for the birth of her grandchild, unexpectedly died just 2 months before her granddaughter was born.  I had already disussed names with my mom, but it only seemed fit when I had a baby girl (we did not find out what sex we were having) to name her after my mom.  Lillian Judith.  I will never stop missing my mother.  I will never be complete.   Part of my broken heart will always be with my bestfriend; my mother...Judy.

 

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Hi, All:

It has been more than 8 weeks since my mom passed away (12/26/07).  It is especially painful if the loss occurs on a special day (in your case, Jessica, on your birthday)..in my case, my mom passed during the holidays.  I just hope the holidays do not forever remind me of the passing of my mom, but I am certain this first one without her (2008) most definitely will.  She was hospitalized Friday after Thanksgiving and passed away day after Christmas.  Mofirefly, I agree with you that coming and posting to these boards has helped.  Judy, I feel a significant piece of my severely broken heart died when my mom died.  I can't imagine another event during my lifetime that can hurt THIS much.  It has gotten tougher on me of late - probably because the finality of her passing is starting to set in.  I will carry on with my life, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my mom and cry.  I can only hope that we will be reunited Up There some day.  Take care, all of you.....Paul

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Jessica - OH YES there is hope - to continue living even when in such pain is the one way I can continue to let others know what a wonderful mom I had and what a wonderful job her and my dad did in giving me life.  The pain can seem overwhelming, but it does become something you can deal with.  Right now is not the time to think about that - right now you need to simply realize the pain is there and do your best to bear it.....crying is a comfort....and at times it seems to be the only thing you can do.  But  please PLEASE do realize that as some saying goes "this too shall pass" (don't know if that will come across the way I want it to....I simply want to let you know that you need to just let yourself go on with your journey taking one small step at a time.  Hope I made some sense.  Please take care!

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Paul,

I wanted to respond to your post because my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer (a non-smoker) the day after Thanksgiving and died just 10 days after Christmas.  You said you hoped that future holidays don't forever remind you of your mom's passing.  My mom died 17 years ago and I have to say that over time it is still difficult around the holidays, but the pain is not nearly so intense.  What I find now, this many years down the road, is that I will usually get into a "funk" for a few days and then begin to recognize what it is and then can move on again.  It is often triggered by hearing the first Christmas carol of the season, or seeing the first decorations on homes, etc.  Even after this many years I often do not even realize that the funk is settling in.  It still catches me off guard every year.  The first few years were really difficult.  I think what got me through the holidays then was that I had two young children and I did not want their Christmas affected by my sadness.  I did not want them growing up remembering only that mom was sad during the holidays.  We celebrated it, sometimes with tears, and talked about their grandma and how much she loved Christmas, etc.  It hurt, but at the same time it helped the healing process.  I still miss my mom every day.  That will never change.  The acute pain is gone, but how I miss her.  It's different now though.  It's just an ache, a longing I guess, but it's not that terrible hurting pain. 

Hang in there.

DianeS 

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Jessica,

I surely hope there is hope dealing with our losses.  Right now, I would say I'm in the 4th stage of Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief, which is the depression phase.  I understand this is the most difficult stage to get through.  To be perfectly honest, I do not envision things getting much better until maybe 2009...after one complete cycle of major events without my mom...her birthday (which is coming up on March 18), Mother's Day (May 11), my birthday (August 17), and of course, the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's 2009).  These first events without her are going to be extremely difficult, I'm sure.  I am bracing myself for things to get worse before they get better.  Of course, they will never really get better, since my mom will never come back.  Please hang in there and do not give up.

Paul

 

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Diane,

I am sure that even after 17 years, the pain never goes away...the intensity may, but there will always be a longing for our moms.  I felt very bad this past holiday season (2007) not only because of my mom's very poor condition, but also because I didn't give my wife and stepson much of a Christmas at all.  All of my focus during this past holiday season was on my mom's condition, and ditto for my wife.  I felt like I cheated them out of a happy holiday season, but under the circumstances and what I was going through, the holidays were the last thing on my mind.  I have never been through a holiday season like 2007's, where I was totally out of it and didn't care.  My mom was in the hospital for 34 days, and those 34 days were sheer torture not only on her, but also on me and also my wife.  Of course, these last 8 1/2 weeks since her passing haven't been so great, either, but even though my mom is no longer with us, she is no longer suffering.  I surely hope the pain will not be so intense later on down the line.  I am living my life as my mom would want me to....I am going to work every day, spending quality time with my family and friends, and spending some time alone so that I can "talk to" and think about my mom.  I also think about my mom several times each day and cry each day.  Nothing else in my life before has hurt THIS much, and I am certain nothing in the future can, either.

You hang in there, too.

Paul

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Thank you all.........I'm going back to work tomorrow and am so scared.  I've lived in my bubble for 19 days.  I'm afraid that I'll break down in front of my students.......

Today was just a very hard day.........memories came flooding back. 

 

Jessica

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I found that the hardest time for me was right around the 6 month period, and then of course the holidays.  We are now approaching 10 months without my mother, and I must say, it is getting easier.  Finally.  I still have bad days where I can barely get out of bed and break down crying, those days just don't come as often as before.  So there is hope for you.  I know it seems like the pain will never subside but hang in there....it will get easier.

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Jessica,

I lost my mom on Dec.31 2007. I went back to work on Jan 14 '08. Like you, i was so scared of breaking down in tears in front of my colleagues.  I had to do full-day presentation in front of my customers on Jan 21 '08. I didn't cry during the presentation, but afterwards, when the room was empty, I sobbed for a good half-an-hour  . I still do now. I learned the trick, that I could cry as hard as I want while taking shower (that way, my eyes looks less red ).:)

My heart is so broken, that I now believe I could die of a broken heart.

It's too early to prove to myself, that it'll get better over times. I wish I could fast forward the time, so that I would feel less pain.

After mom died, everytime I re-visit the place , I keep telling myself: the last time I was here, mom was still around. It feels like a lifetime ago...

I hate to admit, but I've been having  this suicidal thoughts for a few days now.

I just want to be with my mom......

Liz

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Hi, Liz:

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  My mom passed away a few days before yours (12/26/07).  So the 2007 holiday season will definitely bring back bad memories for both of us.  Like you, I get very sad when I visit places now that my mom and I used to frequent.  True, I do smile because those visits remind me of happy times when she was alive, but then I start to break down because I know those good times can never happen again. 

There are times when I question if I deserve to be alive (I still feel I should have known my mom was ill but everyone else has told me there is no way I could have known); there are also times when I feel like I have nothing to live for; but what helps me overcome those thoughts is the fact that my mom made sure I was taken care of financially (I am her only child; my dad passed away in 5/98; I am 48 and she was 78 when she passed away)....and I give up living now, that would make my mom's lifelong hard work of saving up for me go for naught...no way I can go to my grave with that thought....I would never rest in peace...I think that is the one thing that is keeping me going today...also the fact that my mom would no doubt want me to continue with my life for as long as I can take care of myself.

I am also undergoing therapy.  Tomorrow will be exactly 2 months since my mom passed away and this Wed will mark the 9-week point.  Liz, please do not contemplate taking your own life.  I know this is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to you (it definitely was for me, and nothing else in this life will even come close)....please seek therapy.  There are days when I wish I wasn't alive, but I very quickly think back to what my mom would want for me and there is no way she would want me to take my own life just because she is no longer in this life.  I really feel for you because your feelings almost exactly mirror mine.  If you need to talk, just let me know.....my thoughts and prayers are with you....Paul

 

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Liz i feel the same way you do .. i lost my mom last June at home after heart failure she died at home the way she wanted to we had home care hospice nurses helping off and on, still it was a great shock.. i have felt that i wanted to die many times and have even felt a sense of relief and peace at the thought that it would all be over soon. but then mom and God wouldnt want that.. and i just keep hoping that if i can hang on maybe you can to.. you see i am in a particually hard place in life without my mom.. when my mom was alive we lived together my whole life, well after she died i no longer had her help with anything at all. we always shared checks as we were both on disability she for her bad heart & lungs and me for a.d.d. and severe migraines, depression etc.. i was molested as a child and that didnt help.. as a result of that i never trust people easily at all. anyways now i am on my own 100% financially, emotionally you name it.. i have found no comfort from anyone at all but my two remaining aunts. one lost her child when he was just 19 ? months old and the other aunt just lost her husband and her mother at around the same time last year, her mother from old age and her husband to cancer. my aunt who lost her child, well he got ill or something i cant remember what it was anymore. they are both in their 60's now so the childs death was many years ago. however they both understand grief. i cant imagine having a husband and mother die at about the same time... or losing a child at that age either. but they are the only ones i have talked to other than here on the boards and on the yahoo grief groups that have understood and accepted my grieving as being normal and healthy and part of life.

i live on 630$ a month, i am young only 33 and have no life no kids and have never had a serious bf at all.  i have always just taken care of my mother it seems bc she was ill most of her life after being exposed to DDT and other dangerous insecticides as a baby and then till she left her families farm.. she was around that stuff all the time and got to much of it in her system and as a result always and i mean always had lung and breathing problems and heart and intestinal problems too.

she had pnumonia every year sometimes more than once as long back as i can remember and  sinus problems you name it. this was all from that dangerous stuff on the farm that was sprayed on their food and on the animals and horses as a fly wipe thing and then they would go and ride them right after spraying them etc.. it was on their skin probably a lot of the time as mom always rode her horse and bareback too with just shorts on or a bikini.. that stuff got on her legs and all over.

anyways i live on practically nothing every month and just today called to see how much money i can make and still keep my disability in some states its a lot and in others its not much i will find out tomorrow. bc i having such a hard time $$ and in other ways to coping with losing my mom.. the $$ part is very hard though for sure.. i dont have enough money ever to get basic things that others with a normal life and well paying jobs take probably for granted.. if i find out that i can make something to help i think that i am going to the mall not far from where i live and see if i cant get a job. i cant take sitting in my apt alone anymore and not having something to look forword to or to do to help myself $$. 

we are all here greiving, but just hang on and try to find something to do on the side like a part time job at a walmart or book store or at a pet store even. you may find something to do that will help to take your mind of things.. idle hands are the devils work is very true for me.. if i just can find something to i will be so relived and will have something to look forword to..

you may be happier too if you can find something like that.. give yourself time to grieve that is so important to emphasize. it has been almost 10 months since my mom died and i am still grieving very hard.. i went thru about 3 or 4 months where i didnt cry at all bc i was i guess still in shock although when she first died i cried almost nonstop the first 5 months..

and now i am back to crying again bc its just starting to really hit me... that shes gones forever but i will see her one day again.. and like my aunt who lost her child said to me recently, it may not be that long at all, we never know when we may have a illness etc and we could be gone too. so we have to make the best of each day that we can.. some days that isnt much.. i know if i just get out of bed and eat breakfast and wash my face i have made a huge impact on my day for that day.. 

 

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