A part of me died

[Mdanielson4]

A part of me died May 16, 2012. How can I face tomorrow when I am only half here? My lover and best friend, the person who knows and accepts me so well died in May. Each night I crawl into that cold, empty bed alone. Tomorrow when I wake up there will be no one to share a cup of coffee or laugh about the funny thing our grandchildren did yesterday. There will be no one who can look across the room and share a message only we understand. We had our own sayings that only the two of us knew what we meant.

Our lives, decisions and future are so tied to our spouse. When they die, a part of us truly goes with them. We do not even relize how intertwined our lives are until they are gone. Emotionally we have been cut in two. One hundred times a day, we will turn to share a remark or story with them. When we pick up the newspaper to read, we will automatically lay the favorite section out our spouses liked. We cook our dinner. The packages of meat in our freezer contain two of everything. Everywhere we turn, we are reminded of their presence - their soap and deodorant in the bathroom, the empty pillow that still smells like them, the sunken area of the sofa where they always sat, the television show we watched together. and mail that comes with their name on the envelope. Reminders like this will bring on waves of sorrow and loss.

Grief will not resolve easily. There will be days when nothing around you offers solace or comfort and days when you are managing well. A song may come on the radio and you will drive through your tears as memories flood your mind. However, these memories are the support as you work through those first days, weeks and months. As time moves on, you will be able to recall a special memory or moment, savor it again and draw comfort.

Most of this was found in a booklet a colleague gave me. I found comfort in it thought I would share.

Mike

[pbrinkley]

That was so true on so many levels. I could never have put it better myself.

[csimms3]

So true. I can totally relate. The other day I decided to wear one of my husband's t-shirts. It smelled just like him. Took me off guard and made me very upset. Makes it real all over again. Don't know about anyone else, but I feel lost most of the time. But I have hope that it will get better over time.

[naty0123]

Thanks for sharing this. So many others can relate... The pain and empty feeling always there! The constant reminders!!

[raceyluvmm]

On May 2, 2012 the love of my life died, so suddenly.... we both went to work that day. After work he went to Jackson, to pick up supplies he needed to finish a storage he was having built. He called me while I wa s at work to ask if I wanted him to pick up dinner, I responed very joyfully, YES and he did. I made it home before Michael, he soon came after. We ate dinner, talked and he did his daily routine, go on the computer in our home office, then he started preping for the next day by getting his clothes out for work. (He was very particular about his appearance and very sharp dresser). I joked with him that night about keeping me up while he go through his fashions....he soon came to bed with a coke and skins, watching a game, we talked a while and I drifted off to sleep. I was awaking by Michael at approximately 11:30 he evidently had gotten out of bed, because he was standing or bent over in our bedroom door saying he wasn't feeling well, I jumped up and grab car keys along with me live in niece and to the ER we went. (appx 1mile or less) the whole time Michael was saying hurry baby hurry baby ...I was responding hold on baby, hold on baby, we are almost there. When I arrived to the small town hospital ER my niece jumped from the back seat and went to the ER door bamming, out came 2 nurses, I was on the back seat with Michael who by then was non responsive, I was hysterical, constantly saying stay with me BABY stay with me BABY....long story short he died that night. I was was devasted....my life, my everything was gone. For 13 years we were inseparable.... he did everything for me. He was my soulmate. He knew my likes and dislikes. He took care of me in every way imaginable. I was suddenly left alone, to become responsible for myself, a house, cars, bills, insurance, estate, funeral arrangements, grieving mother....I was so afraid and I still afraid. To say I miss Michael is an extreme understastement....I don't know what to do without him. I get up in the morning and go through the motions and act according to what society or what's expected of me. I have no feelings other than sadness, lonliness, broken hearted, fearful, and depression. There are many days I wish I could just become reclusive to the world. I constantly ask God, Why Me, Why didn't you take me with Michael, because I have honestly nothing to live for. Then someone suggested a online support group, So here I am.

Michael has been dead for 3months now, and I cry every single day still. I don't know how to live without him.

[llovern]

Sapphire, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you decided to find an online support group. I have been a member here since May and it has helped me a great deal. I know you are in immense pain right now and I understand wanting to just lock yourself away from the rest of the world, but being able to express your grief and work on healing is a better choice and you can voice your feelings here. We all understand the pain and feelings of being lost and lonely and devastated. Try to join us in the chat room in the evenings sometimes if you can.

Take care.

Linda

[Mdanielson4]

Sapphire,

I understand and feel your pain. Many people say that but the people you meethere actually have the same pain as you. I lost my wife May 16^th, it will be a date engraved on mysoul for the rest of my days. I startedthis topic and it was because I truly feel that a part of me died with my wifethat day. What I am trying to realize isthat I am still alive and what am I suppose to do? How do I continue to make my Mary proud. There must still be a purpose for me beinghere. Although I cannot figure why Godwould keep me around instead of Mary. She was always the one who kept things going in our family. She was the glue that kept everyone inline. I am so proud that I was a part ofher life for 32 years. The pain at timesis truly unbearable. I hope someday Ilearn how to turn that pain into something positive. Not sure if that is possible but I know Marywould want me to do that. The love weshared is so special. It will never beable to be replaced.

I am glad you decided to share with us. It is very good people I have met here. I find a lot of comfort with this group. I hope you do too.

Mike

[Mdanielson4]

Sapphire,

I understand and feel your pain. Many people say that but the people you meethere actually have the same pain as you. I lost my wife May 16^th, it will be a date engraved on mysoul for the rest of my days. I startedthis topic and it was because I truly feel that a part of me died with my wifethat day. What I am trying to realize isthat I am still alive and what am I suppose to do? How do I continue to make my Mary proud. There must still be a purpose for me beinghere. Although I cannot figure why Godwould keep me around instead of Mary. She was always the one who kept things going in our family. She was the glue that kept everyone inline. I am so proud that I was a part ofher life for 32 years. The pain at timesis truly unbearable. I hope someday Ilearn how to turn that pain into something positive. Not sure if that is possible but I know Marywould want me to do that. The love weshared is so special. It will never beable to be replaced.

I am glad you decided to share with us. It is very good people I have met here. I find a lot of comfort with this group. I hope you do too.

Mike

[val]

dear sapphire -my name is valerie. i read your post and couldn't help but relate. i just lost my husband july 5 2012, Jerry died in his sleep, i went to wake him up and he would not respond. i immediately called 911 and they directed me in CPR to no avail. I heard the coroner say rigor had set in. the autopsy was inconclusive; he was 58 yrs old. i too cry everyday; he took care of everything: support, financial support, well...just everything. i too felt completely lost at first. then in accordance with his wishes he was cremated and his ashes, most of them distributed in the pacific ocean by his sister out there who held a memorial. i could not attend, i live in pa. So last Sat. i had one here for his friends ; jerry was very gregarious and knew and befriended many. he was a giver. that brought me little closure.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for once i can truly say i understand the pain you are in. jer and i were together ten years. What i can suggest is that you keep coming back here for support. You will find many others going through what we are going through, I will pray for you. You had no chance to be prepared,nor did I. All i remember of that day is police , coroner's and overwhelming pain. Try the chat room here ; it has helped me greatly too. with care and respect for your loss, val

[gunnerswife]

I know what you are going through as i to am going through it. I found my huband of almost 32 years (september 20) in bed dead on june 21. He was everything to me we spent all of our time together. I just feel so bad as he left many things on done and he had many dreams for us that will never come true now. I worry that i will lose our home and land. people wants me to sell it but i do not want too. I hate to go to work, he liked taking me and picking me up.the people does not understand annd they are so nasty.I am also glad i found this board, very nice caring people on here that knows what we are going through.i know a lady at work that went through this but we never get to see each other and the counseler i needed to talk to someone. i think you need to go to a counseler i didn't wwant to but people on here thought i should i am glad i started.i thought oh that will be another bill, i do not need another bill but no its not its free through hospice.and no he did not use hospice but they help anyone. i can't wait until September 11 its a widow-widower meet.

[MemphisMargaret]

I feel lost too. My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer on December 19th. A year ago we were living healthy happy lives. Since December it has been doctors, tests, treatments. The last month before he died was 24/7 care, feeding when he would eat, bathing, dressing....He was a nurse. He was always making sure I was okay. We laughed every day. We loved to watch movies together and take road trips together and laugh more. I prayed for God to take him...it hurt so much to see him so not himself....and he fought so hard. Then he was gone...the funeral was/is a blurr. He was creamated 2 days later and we had the most wonderful moment together. Now he is in an urn on top of the chest of drawers with our wedding picture from 12 yrs ago. I sleep with one of his sweatshirts. I went back to work this past week. It was a good distraction for the most part but the days just dragged and dragged. we were on opposite shifts and so he would text me when he got home so i could call him and we'd talk about his night at work. He'd be getting up when I came home for lunch and we'd watch tv while I ate lunch. Sometimes when he was at work on a slow night, he'd call and we'd talk. I am glad he is not suffering and I just keep wishing God would let me go too so we could be together...or that this has all been a dream and I will wake up and we will be going on another road trip somewhere and laugh. I don't want to do anything. I walk the dog, feed the cats...still have not gotten a grip on organization in my house. I worry about after the insurance comes and how much comes out in taxes and the amount of money I owe for medical bills. He didn't talk much the week before he died. The last words came 2 days before to our daughter. I wish I could just hear him say " I love you" one more time.

[shesmyridehome]

A part of me died May 16, 2012. How can I face tomorrow when I am only half here? My lover and best friend, the person who knows and accepts me so well died in May. Each night I crawl into that cold, empty bed alone. Tomorrow when I wake up there will be no one to share a cup of coffee or laugh about the funny thing our grandchildren did yesterday. There will be no one who can look across the room and share a message only we understand. We had our own sayings that only the two of us knew what we meant.

Our lives, decisions and future are so tied to our spouse. When they die, a part of us truly goes with them. We do not even relize how intertwined our lives are until they are gone. Emotionally we have been cut in two. One hundred times a day, we will turn to share a remark or story with them. When we pick up the newspaper to read, we will automatically lay the favorite section out our spouses liked. We cook our dinner. The packages of meat in our freezer contain two of everything. Everywhere we turn, we are reminded of their presence - their soap and deodorant in the bathroom, the empty pillow that still smells like them, the sunken area of the sofa where they always sat, the television show we watched together. and mail that comes with their name on the envelope. Reminders like this will bring on waves of sorrow and loss.

Grief will not resolve easily. There will be days when nothing around you offers solace or comfort and days when you are managing well. A song may come on the radio and you will drive through your tears as memories flood your mind. However, these memories are the support as you work through those first days, weeks and months. As time moves on, you will be able to recall a special memory or moment, savor it again and draw comfort.

Most of this was found in a booklet a colleague gave me. I found comfort in it thought I would share.

Mike

[shesmyridehome]

I can relate to how you feel....all of you. The loss you all share is incredibly sad.

[Mdanielson4]

A part of me died with Mary; I am trying to find out what is left and how do I learn to live with her absence. How do I honor her memory? How do I make her proud? Is she there watching me? Has she found our loved ones that are already in heaven? When will the hurting stop? When will I be able to control the crying? I have so many questions that I believe only she holds the answers to. As I have said in so many other posts, if I could only have a few more moments…

Mike

[mavericks_goose]

I know what you mean by a part of you died with your wife, a huge part of me died with Kyle.....I keep thinking of our wedding we had coming up on December 1st and the future we had planned on the children we had wanted......he wanted them so bad he even picked names out for all of them and they all started with the letter K. Now that wedding will never happen, and those names will go on without a face or a child to be put with them. It's so hard as I am just beginning to realize this and am not and haven't reached the point of acceptance of it. I don't know how to begin to accept that it won't happen...surely (I'm hoping) after the projected wedding date passes that I'll be able to finally have my heart wrap itself around the idea that those dreams Kyle and I had wanted to share together will never happen....my head has wrapped around that idea and has grasped that concept but it's like my heart hasn't been willing to acknowledge and process that information just yet. I open my closet and see my wedding gown hanging there as a constant reminder of what was to be and will never happen.

[Silvergirl61]

On October 29th, 1999 , I was sitting at the airport in Omaha, waiting for a plane. I was a snervoous as I had ever been in my life. My friend Dennis was flying in, and we hadn't seen each other for years..only pictures now and then. We talked on the phone, wrote each other letters, chatted on the computer, on icq, and in the chatroom on the website where we belonged. He got off the plane, and we laughed about how nervous we both had been.

He stayed for a week, and we talked, traveled around, so that he could see the area where I was at home, the places I went, meet the people I call family...

He flew in, and somehow during that week, the friendship became more. We were so alike in so many ways, and we could talk about everything, and lifee became magical....we were married the next May. For the next 12 years, we were a team, and a partnership. That partnership ended in August...and now I'm alone, and at times, I don't want to go on. It hurts too much.

I spent the weekend in Omaha. I went to the airport, I walked the streets where we have spent so many happy days together, visited places we loved, did things we shared together.

Then I went with my sister, and my brother in law..and we walked across the pedestrian bridge, over the Missouri River, something Dennis and I were never able to do together. By the time it opened again, his legs wouldn't hold him up to walk that far- and I was afraid to do it, without him. we always thought there would be another time. He told me when he felt better, we'd do it, and he'd show me there was no reason to be afraid. But time ran out, and it was one of the things I thought I'd never do. But Jean and Eric supported me, and I did it.

I also ran in a race with my daughter this weekend, something else I thought i would never do. 20 degrees outside, 51 years old...and I ran, and I finished the race.

I can't tell you I wasn't sad. I can't tell you that I didn't cry, some of the time. I can't tell you that I didn't think about Dennis all the time, or that I didn't miss him. I will always do that. I think every day, for all my life... I am going to wish he was right here, next to me, all the time. But I can't sit here, and wait for him to come back to me, anymore. I still love him, and I miss him every day. He wanted me to go on, and I have to find the way. If he knows, wherever he's gone..I know he'd be laughing. He loved to run, and I hate it. He was the brave and adventurous one- but I accomplished a step in spite of my fear. I think he'd be pleased.

I look back at the times we shared, and if there was a way to do it, I'd go back there , over and over...and that time would never end. But time doesn't work like that...and that's what I found out, this weekend. I think another part of me died..the part that tried to pretend that this isn't true, that it isn't real, and that it isn't happening.

[jerryusc]

I lost my wife on Sept. 16th, 2012 and as the headline says......... She was everything to me. We were married 45 years. I will never get over it. I hoped I would go first as I am 5 years older. I often think and plan suicide.

[Mdanielson4]

I lost my wife on Sept. 16th, 2012 and as the headline says......... She was everything to me. We were married 45 years. I will never get over it. I hoped I would go first as I am 5 years older. I often think and plan suicide.

Jerry,

I actually know how you feel, I have thought about it a lot. I have come to the conclusion that if I were to do that, it would mean if there was a possibility for me to see my love in any type of afterlife I would not get to. It is a sin to commit suicide and if there is even a chance of me not seeing her again I won’t do it. I also know she did not want to die. She wanted to live and she wanted me to live. Although living without her gives me pain that is unbearable I know she would want me to take care of our kids and grandkids. I think it is a common feeling we are having but I believe our spouses would want us to live.

Mike

[Lady In Red 2003]

the pain is unbearable...almost 40 years together since we were 17 years old...I miss him so much, it seems so unreal. I am so scared & lonely, we we best friends, we did everything together. then God snatched him away with no warning...I heard a crash in my sleep and awoke to him laying on the floor beside our bed...911...cpr...all to no avail...I am crushed

[Mdanielson4]

the pain is unbearable...almost 40 years together since we were 17 years old...I miss him so much, it seems so unreal. I am so scared & lonely, we we best friends, we did everything together. then God snatched him away with no warning...I heard a crash in my sleep and awoke to him laying on the floor beside our bed...911...cpr...all to no avail...I am crushed

Lady In Red 2003,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, the pain is unbearable and pierces the very being of our souls. I wish I could tell you what the answers are you seek but we all have the same questions here. We all have tragic losses in our lives and are leaning on each other for support. I can tell you I find a lot of comfort here, the people are very understanding and helpful when it comes to support. Feel free to go to the chat room for support many times we have people waiting to talk. If there is anyway I can help, listen or anything else please reach out to me.

Mike