Loss of Fiancee

[fergydm]

Hi, I lost my fiancee on valentines day.  He asked me to marry him at christmas time.  We had only been to gether for a short time and I feel so robbed that we can not spend our future together.  I am 36 and have never experienced a loss of this kind before. I just dont know what to do with my self.  I need someone to talk to.

[rodless]

Numb and hollow is normal but I know how awful it feels. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish I had magic words for you. Stay with us here and we'll help as much as possible. Mary Jo

[fergydm]

yes numb and hollow is exactly how i feel.  i went back to work today and could not even concentrate. its so hard to imagine going on with out him. how do i get through each day.  they say one day at a time.  but its more like one minute at a time. i literally think my heart is broken.

[gone4evr]

Your heart is broken.  You just lost the love of your life and all of your dreams.  It's going to take a long time to heal.  I went back to work two weeks after my husban'd funeral and I know what you mean.  It is hard to focus and concentrate.  I only went back part time.  My husband died on January 14th, one month before your fiance.  You are going to feel empty, numb and have very poor concentration. 

One suggestion, write a note and post it on your door to remember to turn things off.  The other day I left the shower on (I was steaming my plants), and left my house.  The water ran for over three hours before I remembered what I did.  I have left candles burning, the curling iron on.  Things I never would have done.  Right now, I am fortunate, my mom has been staying with me and she follows behind me all the time making sure I don't do something really stupid. 

I had started my master's degree one week before he died and needless to say, I can't focus and concentrate on that.  I get angry all the time and have melt downs, which is really unusual for me.  I cry easily and I hate doing all the things I use to love.  I don't sleep well, I don't have much of an appetite.  These are all normal parts of grieving. 

Hang in there.  Come here and talk or just let go of your feelings here.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be patient.  You need to go through all the stages of grieving and it's going to take time.

Sandy

[maamgrey]

I lost my fiancee 5 weeks ago today.  I can't stop crying and missing him.  I keep thinking about the wedding and honeymoon and marriage we'll never get to have.  We didn't meet until we were both 50, saw each other for 9 months, then moved in together and lived together for just over 2 years.  We knew how lucky we were to have found each other and we really appreciated it.  He died very suddenly and unexpectedly - went into cardiac arrest and was gone in 12 hours.  I can get through a day inute by minute but what for?  I don't want a life without him.  As oon as he died I put on my wedding ring and I bought the cemetery plot next to him so hopefully we'll be able to be together in the next life. 

It's a cruel thing anytime but to not even get to the wedding really hurts.

Sue

[gone4evr]

Maamgray,

     I am so sorry for your loss.  I guess I would consider myself married to him since you lived together for over 2 years.  You have just as much invested in your relationship as any of us that were married.  I feel your pain as you write about not having a wedding or a honeymoon, but you were together, you were "Married".  You deserve to wear that ring.  There is nothing wrong with buying the plot next to your love.   There is a cemetary plot near my grandmother of a young couple who were in a car accident, both were killed.  Their parents buried them next to each other because they were engaged.  I thought that was rather romantic.

Sandy

[maamgrey]

Thanks for your support Sandy.  We certainly did feel married.  And I wear the rings very proudly.  It's 10 weeks tomorrow so I've come a little ways.  I don't cry most days although I feel sad and hollow all the time.

The reason I'm sorry we won't get to have our wedding, (which was going to be very small and casual), was so that I could stand up in front of everyone and tell him how much I loved him.  Of  course I told him all the time which was most important, (and I still tell him everyday), but I wanted to be able to make that declaration in public.  And we were going on a cruise for our honeymoon and Mike had never been before and he was SO excited.  I'm just sorry we didn't get to have that experience and have that time away to ourselves. 

You're right - and I appreciate you saying so - that we were really married.  And so I get to be a member of the grieving widows.  A group that none of us wants to belong to!

Sue

[gone4evr]

Sue,

     It will be 3 months for me on Monday and I still feel hollow and empty, like a part of me is missing.  I think that feeling lasts for a long time. 

Sandy

[maamgrey]

I'm not sure it ever goes away.

Sue

 

[alwaysalone]

It's ironic that your last messages here are from 4/9 - that was the day my fiancee died.  I can so relate to both Sue and Sandy as I was not married, but had committed my life to Doug, hell, he was my life.  Plus he died suddenly, probably of a massive MI (I'm still waiting on autopsy results),  I was with him when he died - I heard a noise in the other room and went to check on him as he had been ill.  I started CPR (I have been a pharmacist for 25 years and had advanced first aid training), they worked on him for almost 2 hours between the ambulance crew and the hospital, I had to give them permission to stop.  My rights as the most significant person in his life ended right there.  From that point on, permission or decisions could only be made by 'next of kin' - his children are grown and live in California, as does his brother.  We are from Western New York.  It has been a nightmare of waiting for someone to call back for something that needs to be decided on.  To make matters worse, his ex-wife was still the executor and main beneficiary in his will.  She had the locks changed on the house we shared part-time (I still have my own place, as my kids are not grown).  I was back to work the Friday after the funeral.  I am still reeling from the sequence of events.  Everyone expects me to be 'getting better' by now and I find I am getting worse. I miss our conversations every morning and every evening on the phone and our dinners together.  I no longer have my 'sanctuary' as he called his house to go to when I'm stressed or tired.  Everyone says this is a process - I don't even know where to start!

Kate

[rodless]

Kate,

I'm not sure you'll ever find a place to start. Somehow you just muddle around and day by day life goes on. It's all a blur this early. And the fact that you weren't married probably means you will not always have the support and understanding you need from others. I'm not sure why that is as the feelings you are going through are the same. I was in a second marriage and had a nightmare experience with stepkids but at least I had the legal authority to make decisions. Please know that all of us here care!

Mary Jo

[genevieve]

Maamgray,

I know how you feel--it's been a little over a month since my fiance died. we were together for 9 years, and decided to marry partly because of legal issues (we wanted to be able to live in each other's countries), but it has only been recently that I realize how much I wanted to show my love for him by taking this step. His parents had been thrilled about this decision, and I only know understand why.

I put my wedding ring on a few days after his death--it's weird, but I don't know what to call him "my boyfriend" doesn't seem serious, "my fiance" sounds weird--I think of him as my husband, because that's how I've always seen him, legal paper or not.

Just know that people DO know how much you love him--people told me how they thought we were "right" for each other and they could see how much we loved each other--they do know, and you can definitely wear that ring and feel easy about it. I know not having the ceremony feels awful--I feel the same way, but your time together is a celebration of you two as a couple.

Hope it gets easier.

[alwaysalone]

The most supportive comment I have received from anyone was from my step-mother when she pointed out that no matter what anyone said, I had this (pointing to my engagement ring) which proved how he felt about me.  I will take all my other rings off at night, but always leave that one on. He was so proud of it - he picked it out by himself and spent more than he usually did on anything. He loved to grab my hand and watch it sparkle. He knew I loved my jewelry, and loved to indulge me - I rarely bought any for myself.  I will wear my ring proudly forever, even though it reminds of all the hopes we had for our future that we'll never be able to realize.

Kate

[journeyer]

[user=19432]fergydm[/user] wrote:

Hi, I lost my fiancee on valentines day.  He asked me to marry him at christmas time.  We had only been to gether for a short time and I feel so robbed that we can not spend our future together.  I am 36 and have never experienced a loss of this kind before. I just dont know what to do with my self.  I need someone to talk to.

I'm new to this forum. I can relate very well to this. I just lost my girlfriend on July 25th, and we were to be married on September 21. If you are still here, read my post from today, titled 'lost my soulmate'.