Lost my daughter; now I'm losing her son

[Zoes_Momma]

I haven't written or been on the site for a while. I hope all who are here are surviving as best they can.

My 21-year-old daughter, Zoë, died October 1 of 2010. She left behind a wonderful husband, Aaron, and their 17 month-old son, Riley. The day after her Life Celebration her husband and baby moved home to Texas (we now live in Utah where Zoë was treated for her cancer).

It was so painful to see them leave but I knew that as such a young man (24 at the time) being with his family would help him heal and raise baby Riley with the love and support of his kin.

In October of last year Aaron called to say that he and Riley were moving to Utah (he had lived here in the past and had friends and relatives here) because, "Riley will never know who his momma was without you and Tyler (her 20-year-old sister) there to tell him stories of her youth." I was so thrilled that I would see Riley grow up and I would have that one living piece of her with me.

When they arrived I realized how much more painful it was to see that little man who looked exactly like she did at that age. To experience the things she should be experiencing like potty training and learning to talk. At times the pain and guilt of having him without her broke my heart and I pulled away. Rather than spend every night seeing him and taking him every weekend (Aaron was so giving and told me I could have him any time I wanted him), I had him spend the night only a few times and only spent time with him on some weekends and all holidays.

Sunday night Aaron told me, with tears in his eyes, that his mom back home in Texas offered to help them move home so that she could watch Riley while Aaron continued his education. She also pointed out to Aaron that all of Riley's cousins lived in Texas and he should have the wonderful experience of growing up with them, just as Aaron had. Aaron had made the decision to move back home. Zoë was the oldest grandchild on my side of the family and Riley has no cousins his age here. They are moving home in 2 days (they are a spur of the moment family).

As much as I understand that this is probably best for both Riley and Aaron, I have fallen into a deep depression. I feel like if I had not let the pain of seeing him look like her and not been in such a state of grief that I chose to not spend as much time with him as I could have that I am to blame for losing him. I know that I didn't spend enough time with Zoë and I lost her and now I've done the same with the light of my life.

I have been dealt one horrible blow after another in the past 2 years. I do not feel strong enough to cope with this one. I am stuck here living a life that is so painful I can barely tolerate it. Though most of my days are happy days (until this week) I am still full of sadness at my core.

I don't know how to end this story so I'll just stop here and thank you all for listening. Love and peace to you all.

[ingucite]

Dear Zoes mum,

So sorry to hear your heartbreaking story...

Here are some things that come in my mind. First, you have not lost Riley! He's alive! Isnt that such a gift itself? Yes, he is far away and you dont know how often you will be able to see him, but he's thanks God alive! I know it may be difficult to celebrate that because your pain of losing Zoe has not been healed. And that's the thing - you were trying to replace Riley for Zoe. And you really cant. So only when you are able to fully heal pain of losing Zoe will you be able to fully enjoy Riley! And then - who knows what the future holds? You may see possibilities you didnt see before in terms of being near your grandson.

I really dont want to sell anything here, but i have a suggestion for you. You can sign-up for free audio and ebook with transcript of tapping on my website www.peaceinme.co.uk You may untick the box if you dont want to hear from me again, that's ok. I just want to share the possibilities and really wonders i have experienced with this wonderful technique myself. I lost my son when he was 11, a twin brother year before that and my sister when i was 8. Now i am healed and have to admit, put lots of effort in it. But it's possible. It's just as somebody told me recently 'that it happens when your pain is bigger than attachment to that pain'. I am not a healer and i can not heal anyone, but i believe that potential to heal ourselves is in each of us.

If you have any questions or wanted to know some more good resources about tapping, drop me a line.

With much love, best wishes and warm hugs,

Inga

[ingucite]

Sorry, this is not a new post. The system said error and io tried again, so this is just a second version and i dont see any options to delete posts.

[oteixeira]

Your grandson is alive. You can see him whenever you need to. What a gift from God. Please, if you can't live without him, move to Texas to be with him and his extended family.