Not the person I thought he was

[phb]

I really do need some help dealing with a very difficult situation.

I was married to my ex husband at 18 and we were together for 20 years. We had some wonderful times, 2 beautiful children and we truely were great friends, even after we seperated. We continued to speak and see each other on a regular basis and I even spoke to him 2 days before he died. The main reason for the marriage breakdown was that I never felt my husband truely wanted me.

A couple of months ago my ex husband died very suddenly, as if this was not bad enough, having to inform my children, coping with their grief as well as my own, it transpired that my ex had led a double life. He was discovered in a well known gay cruising area having suffered a heart attack. I have had to deal with the police, protect my children from the truth as this would kill them and try and deal with my own greif at what feels like a double loss. I am not upset that he had an altenative lifestyle when he died, I am upset that he must always have known he had these feelings and yet all through our marriage I felt it was my fault I was not desirable enough.

I miss him so much and am horrible to my partner, verbally lashing out and being difficult. This is causing terrible strains on us. I just feel he can never understand what I am going through. I have so many unanswered questions that only my ex could answer.

Sorry for rambling but I just wondered if anyone could relate to this in any way and how you have coped with this very difficult type of situation.

[paulaj]

Dear maidin68,

I think finding out your husband isn't who you thought he was, can be one of the worst betrayals that exist. Betrayal of that nature is ranked among the ten most difficult stressors. It's like having your entire belief system turn upside down. You may feel like your judgement is impaired. I know this sounds easy to say, but nonetheless it's not about you or your desirability. I have worked with sex addicts and their partners. Usually, the partner is devastated. Who wouldn't be? This may not be the world's greatest example,but look at Halle lBerry. As beautiful as she is, it didn't prevent her sex addict husband from straying, I don't know if your ex was an addict or what, but the end result is the same.

I felt betrayed when I woke up next to a stranger one day. He was mentally ill, due to an underlying liver disease that wasn't diagnosed. We truly loved each other. Over time he became abusive, and hated me. I thought I was loosing my mind. What did I miss? Am I delusional or something? I lost faith in myself and questioned my judgement about almost everything. I didn't know what was wrong until he went into the hospital and was diagnosed. He died from complications of surgery.

Of course you're upset. Do you have anybody to talk to? Please feel free to write to me privately, if I can be of any help.

Sincerely,

Mandala

[cant move on]

Hi maidin I can sort of relate to this. My first wife left me for another woman. We split amicably as I felt sorry for her that she felt she had to pretend to be someone else just to please a non accepting family. We even had two kids together. But a couple of years later when she hooked up with another man again, then I got po'd. I know he's hurt you, but he may have found out who he really was and may have felt shame, or in his way was trying to protect you from finding out who he really was. But for the infidelity yes you have every right to be po'd at him.

Not to make light of the situation, but at least you know it wasn't you.

[ccl18]

My husband recently died of a massive heart attack while we were on vacation.

He to led a double life meeting men and I'm the only one that knows. I'm hurt and angry for what he has done over the years. I'm now fighting with his adult kids from his previous marriage and his only brother, because I'm letting the anger get in the way. They don't know anything and I have no intentions on telling them, but they are mad at me because I'm angry. I'm doing my best to work through it but damn it's hard!! I have a 14 year old that is ours and I am trying to concentrate on his grief. It is really hard when I am grieving so much lately that I feel like I am neglecting his feelings. He doesn't act like that, I'm just worried. I've been in bed for 2 days and not going to work either. I feel like it may be passing now so I will push myself out the door.

We have always had our ups and downs and I never felt like I was enough for him. Just before he died he did come out to me and said he had a sex addiction. We never got to do anything about it...so many questions and feelings that will go unanswered. I feel your pain!

[JuliaC]

Maidin68 and ccl18, if you haven't yet read the book: "The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low," I strongly encourage you to do so. It was a huge help to me at a very dark time in my life. As Mandala says, you are dealing with one of the worst stressors and betrayals imaginable. The book helped me see that I wasn't alone, and it even helped me understand the man's situation a bit more.

There are very good resources available for the wives of sex addicts too. There is such shame and misunderstanding attached to sexual behavior, but of course it is HIS behavior, HIS shame about it, HIS lying to hide his shame. YOU are not to blame for his actions or choices. In fact, you might eventually decide that his children need to know the truth too, in as simple and loving a way as you can manage. Time will tell.

I am sorry that you are going through such difficult times. Please know that you aren't alone, and there are therapists, books and websites that can help you as you move through the grieving. I am stronger and more mature than I was before I learned the truth. I hope you have already begun to find your own strength, healing and peace.

[bethypooh]

I know this has to be extremly hard.but realize the big picture he is gone,hes not living a double life anymore.remember the good times,remember he had feelings to.maybe he had to shut off all the gay feelinsg for many yrs.and if you were so in love with someone now and cant have them think of your ex husband shuting that life style off all his life,he couldnt be truely happy and he must of did it for yrs FOR you.so think of the posiative he was thinking of you IM SURE! hope this helps at least a tiny bit