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Dealing with grief still after 5 years...


dahill2

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Lost Dad in Oct 2006 and Mom June 2007 and have tried my best to move on. Finding it very difficult to get past the loss.

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Lost Dad in Oct 2006 and Mom June 2007 and have tried my best to move on. Finding it very difficult to get past the loss.

DebH,

Perhaps it is time for you to seek some professional help or to start talking about your feelings? What kinds of things have you done to move forward? Have you talked to anyone about your losses? Do you have close friends? Do you have any other family to talk to? Losing both parents so close together is just life altering and words cannot describe how hard it is. Let us be your support and encouragement.

ModKonnie

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tasteofinkx3

Lost Dad in Oct 2006 and Mom June 2007 and have tried my best to move on. Finding it very difficult to get past the loss.

I understand completely. I lost my dad in 2007, I was 17. I just turned 22 yesterday. I have moments where things are so hard, but lately it's been such a constant battle.

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Hi DebH,

I want to say I know how you feel, but I hate when people say that. I was from a single parent home and lost my mom a little over 3 years ago. I can't imagine 5 years will be any better. Time hasn't really changed anything except that I guess I have become more aware of it. It all feels so out of control when it first happens, and the world swells up around you with people everywhere and they share support and words. Sometimes, I think i'm more lonely than ever now, because there's no one that seems to be there, no one that remembers like I do. This year was the first year that my friends forgot the date she died, people apologizing for missing it, things like that. It just hurt even more, knowing that everyone had moved on and it was so ever present in my heart. I feel like I'm behind in everything, I watch friends developing and changing, getting married, having children, and I feel so very very alone, like this loss has just been a time out from a happy life, a time out I won't ever get back from. And yet, sometimes I think I keep myself in this place, because I don't know what anything would be like without her, and I just miss her too damn much to function. My mom was given six months to live when I was 12, and ended up going in and out of remission and metastasis until I was 22. I'm 25 now and I feel like I've spent my whole life thinking she was going to die and never ever really preparing for what life would be after, what it would be like to not cheer her up and be there for her and go to doctor's appointments and be optimistic. It's like now she's gone and I have no idea who to look to. I spent most of the past three years realizing I had formulated friendships based exclusively on the same dynamic I had with my mother, entertain, uplift, and listen. I was surrounded by people that either were revolving around their own egos, or trying to avoid any real emotion through drugs or alcohol. I never wanted to focus on myself, and my friendships echoed that. And now, it's like these people i had in my life are additional gravestones of my past, just sitting there, giant monuments to the fact that I am alone.

I miss her every day and I feel so very on my own I can't handle it. I have two brothers, and we've all handed it differently, and that makes it almost worse, because I see them doing better or being happier and I just feel worse and blame myself for being so self imploded.

I can't say anything to make it better for you, I can only maybe share my experience, so you can know you are not alone. I can also say the things that have helped me, and therapy is definitely one of them. It doesn't solve everything though. It at least gives me a place to go to talk about whatever i want and to not feel like I'm being a complete drag or too intense or serious, even though sometimes I end up apologizing to my therapist for the same thing. I also found myself in the best of moods when I pushed myself to sweat at least once a day. I haaaated people saying to exercise and people trying to fix me or cure the pain, but it does help to get out anger/aggression, and you do feel better. plus, it's harder to not shower once you've sweat so much. And I usually have a hard time on self-maintenance related things like cleaning and showering and taking care of myself. I know, i know, symptoms of depression.

I've learned that this experience maybe doesn't make me more fun or happier, or make anything easier really, but in my stronger moments, i like to think that whatever I am, whatever this experience and this loss has been, it has made me unique, you are in touch with a part of life that few people your age have experienced, you should use whatever outlet you feel, but try to express what you're going through. sometimes people may not understand, or they may not be interested, but you can read poetry about loss or life or death, or take a drawing class and paint or just keep a journal and write poetry, even if it's corny and horrible. it helps to go back and hear your own thoughts, see your own interpretation of the world. i have been keeping a journal since she passed, and it's so amazing to go back and read your own handwriting, and feel your own pain and acknowledge what you've gone through and what you're still going through and see yourself from a place a few years apart and give yourself comfort.

i don't know if any of this will help, but i hope maybe just knowing there are people out there that hear you will at least make you feel a little less alone.

very best,

megan

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I've been through a similar thing. I'm now 18 and I lost one of my parents five years ago. When it first happened I was 13 an didn't understand it very well. I wasn't as close to my lost parent. But to me that doesn't make it any different. Its still a loss. And I'll always remember that even though I didn't have many memories with him, I wish I did and those things I would of loved to do with them, hurts when you realise it. I need some advice though. If anyone could help. Lately In one of classes we were looking at the topic of parents. Which for obvious reasons made me emotional. My friends know something is wrong, but I've never told them about the loss of my parent. How do I tell them, it seems so awkward to drop it in a conversation. And I don't know how they will respond. I struggle to talk to them about it, although all I want to do is open up to them. What do I do?

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Dear chusk,

Please know true friends will understand where you are coming from and should be very understanding and compassionate. Maybe start with "the reason I was so emotional in class is because..." And go from there. I know it feels awkward to talk about feelings and painful times, but true friends will want to support you.

Please let us know how it goes. Thinking of you.

 

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Thank you so much for your support! About a week ago I went to a friend to confide in them. We spoke and for the first time in a long time. I was glad to get it out, it felt like a relief of my shoulders. And she took it well, it was nice for someone to just listen. I considered talking to my other friends about the situation. But then I thought that I will do it within time, as I don’t want them to treat me different as I’ve been hiding it in for so long. Or assume anything. Maybe with time I will talk to them one by one and explain, I hoping in the next couple of weeks I can confide in my closest friend. I think most of the time my friends think I’m ok, but inside I’m hiding a lot of different feelings. 

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