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new to board very sad and hurt


dmbarr

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I miss my hubby so much. He was my life. I found him dead in bed. I am not getting much sleep and finding it very hard to eat. We only had 1 child and he is having a rough time too, so all the help and suggestions you can give me I will be happy to have. No one I know has lost a spouse so no one really knows how hard it is. They tell me they do but they don't, I was with him constantly. His dog even misses him. He died 6/21/2012.

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VanJoubert

Hi Newbie! I feel your pain, and I know you didn't want to hear this- it does get better. It has been almost 4 1/2 years since I lost my soulmate and partner to a motorcycle accident- he was hit by a drunk driver while on duty as a Deputy Constable; we were together 13 years. At the exact time of the accident I felt an unusual pain in different areas of my body and I had an instant "funny" headache...later to discover his injuries matched those same areas, including the head trauma he sustained- that's how close we were. I love that Man! Still. I miss him, he was my protector, best friend in the whole-wide world and the best confidant I have ever had. I have just been able to visit his gravesite May 2012 for the first time since the funeral in Jan 2008, yay! I am still healing....... I am sure that unconciously I thought that if I didn't see the tombstone with his name on it, then he really wasn't gone, you know. Talking about denial! Without faith though I don't think I would have made it.

Someone told me to "keep a journal", I thought how is that going to help- I don't have time for that- what will I write? Finally, my daughter gave me a journal and I carried it for a few days before I started writing. Once I did start, it was no stopping! Since it was difficult for me to talk (because I couldn't stop crying) I wrote in my journal what I felt, what I wanted to say to people and what I wanted to say to my Love. Before I knew it, the journal was ove half full- and only about 6 months had passed, then I continued to journal #2. At this point I reflected on the first one and noticed that even my handwriting had changed, my diction, it was almost as if it were written by someone else, someone I had not met before! Certainly not me...I could not find Vanessa in those pages...now 4 years and several journals later- I can recognize myself again. Its hard work though Newbie- You can do it! Another thing I did was surround myself with inspirational poems or stuff, whatever. Here is one (follow the link) I keep on my desk at work and on my vanity mirror- I changed a few words to make it personal- Just for Today. Enjoy. Keep your head up! I love you!

http://coylayr.tripo...urnal/id19.html

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I'm so sorry for your loss. First I would suggest browsing the other threads and posts where you may find a lot of helpful info and insights and if nothing else people who have felt or are feeling some similar feelings.

That aside, a quick recap would include:

- giving yourself time and lots of it.

- being gentle to yourself. Spoil yourself even at times, for ex if there's something you're interesting in buying that might help you feel a little better, what the hell get it!

- talk to whoever you feel comfortable doing so with, to unload

- if not (or even if so), consider group counseling, or even 1 on 1 counseling with a professional

- try to keep busy if you can. Obviously you're going to think about this a lot regardless, but don't let it consume you.

- guilt is so common, so remember you and your loved one BOTH had your virtues and your faults. You didn't do everything wrong and they didn't do everything right.

PS people saying idiotic things is also not exactly rare. I think/hope most mean well, so even if they say something stupid, try to let it brush by you.

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Hello Gunners wife, so sorry for your lost. Me and my daughter found my husband dead in our bed. I felt as though I died too. We have been together for 19yrs..We also was always together...I will say it is hard for me everyday..We lost him 5/11/12..Just tske it second by second and hour by hour and day by day..youll understand this..Just try to find someone to talk too..I am very lost,angry,confused,lonely and forced in this new place that I know nothing about. Hang in there..and cry,scream,sleep...when u need too.

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grace17313

So Sorry!! There are quite a few of us feeling your pain, confusion and loneliness. I think the loneliness makes it all worse. I lost my honey on 06/07/12. We have two children a 3yr old and our son will be 1yr on the 15th. It feels horrible typing this. This is only the 2nd time I post anything, I guess I have to start somewhere.

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Cindy Mitchell

I miss my hubby so much. He was my life. I found him dead in bed. I am not getting much sleep and finding it very hard to eat. We only had 1 child and he is having a rough time too, so all the help and suggestions you can give me I will be happy to have. No one I know has lost a spouse so no one really knows how hard it is. They tell me they do but they don't, I was with him constantly. His dog even misses him. He died 6/21/2012.

I'm so sorry for you loss. My story is similar. My husband didn't wake up July 1, 2010. It's hard to sleep or eat. I know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you. I even understand his dog missing him also. My Husband Charlie's dog after 2 years is still grieving. My worked on a ranch and were constantly together. Best friend,Lover,Husband, and whole world. I understand. I might not be able to answer anything for you but I do understand. Would love to chat if you would like

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