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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
kelly

Prayer Requests

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This is my first time on this site i lost my 3 year old cousin 5 years ago he passed away when he was playing out side by himself while the parents were in side watching T.V. he wandered out into the road and got hit by a car he died 5 minutes after he got hit his little body couldn't take the impact of the car.I will pray because i now know what it feels like to lose a loved one...

Clippedwings2011

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ON THIS SITE. PLEASE I'M REQUESTING ANYONE AND EVERYONE PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTER. SHE PASSED AWAY AT 6:05T THIS MORNING. I KNOW LITTLE HAILEY IS IN HEAVEN WITH HER GRANDMOTHER AND A LOT MORE FAMILY. PLEASE EVERYONE LETS GET TOGETHER AND PRAY FOR HER TONIGHT. A TRUE SINCSERES PRAYER CAN NEVER HURT. IT CAN ONLY HELPL

THANK YOU ALL,

DIANA ARO

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tinasdad   

clippedwings2011, Diana, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My 21 year old daughter died after being raped. Please write again, and tell us what is happening to you. If you need anything, feel free to ask. We'll do all we can to help you through this time of pain and sorrow. Mark

Almighty God, please fill this family with peace and comfort during this time of deep pain in their hearts. To lose children and grandchildren is a pain we can't understand. Let our hearts unite in the bond of Christian love and brotherhood, and let us have opportunity to help this family during this painful time.

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Hi,

I'm sending out a prayer request for a woman I met today. She has recently lost her husband, a vietnam vet. She was a stay at home mom and wife for 30 years. She has no job skills. Upon his death, she has lost her house and is about to lose her apartment due to financial strains. Are there any support groups for wifes of late veterans?

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forance2   

Hi, My name is Peg, and i am really in need of some prayers.On Dec;16,2002, my only son died of a massive heart attack. He was only 32yrs. old. For some reason this holiday season is much harder for me. L am so very depressed, and i feel like i cant go on any more. The pain is like a cut, every time it gets bumped, it opens up a flood of sadness.There is so much goin on in my life, mostly bad. I didnt even cook a turkey this yr. and the thoughts of putting up a tree,omg is unbearable. Please prayer for me, because i really dont know how i will survive these holidays. Thanks, Forever Bobs Mum.

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blessing   

To Forance2 (Peg)

I can relate to your pain. I can't imagine losing a child but my mom died 12 years ago on November 30th. It almost killed me. The holiday season is the worst for me too. It's so hard to pick your self up and go on. I promise with time it will get a little easier, you have to truly believe that. I know now you feel like can't go on but your son would want you too. He knows how much you love him and iam sure from heaven it kills him to see you so depressed. Talk to him and pray for him and it will help. Also, pray to god, he will help you and help you through this bad time. I promise in time things will get better, trust me. It seems like after our loved one dies that everything around us gets worse. I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have so much to live for and i would put that tree up in your son's honor, he would want you to do that. I will pray for you will all my heart. I hope you find the enter strength that took me so long to find. Sometimes we fail to understand that we are stronger than we think and their are people out there that truly understand your pain. God bless you....You will be in my thoughts and prayers..............Cindy

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mattsdad   

To Peg,

All of us here at B.I. can understand your pain.

There is no timetable for you to get over your loss. There is no getting over, but getting through is more like it.

Grieve how you need to; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Do only what you want to do.

I am new to this journey as well as my son died in August.

Together we will get by. Do not hesitare to post here for many others wiser than myself will contribute their thoughts and suggestions.

Jeff

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forance2   

Hi, thank you all for your inspirations. Well i put up the xmas tree today,omgg i cried so bad i fell into the tree and knocked it over!! My son Bob must be laughing, it was kinda funny, after the fact. I find myself in a kind of limbo, not really happy or sad, just numb. If one more person tells me that my son Bob is in a better place im afraid i might hit them!! I pray every night for some kind of peace and acceptance, but i hav yet to find it.Wouldnt it be nice to go to sleep and wake up and hav it be Jan, 2006 Well peace to all, Thank You again for all your prayers, Peg

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Please pray for me and my family we are in need of normalcy an escape from the death that is hanging over me. we are losing the living we have left worrying about the dying. God Bless All of you.

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mattsdad   

Tonight we enter the last night that Matthew lived on this earh 4 months ago. He passed in the overnight hours of Aug6th - Aug7th. He was found on the couch at @ 7:00 on Sunday morning Aug 7th.

Our lives all changed at this time, @ 7am of that day...

Please remember all of us, Jeff,Betty Ann,(dad and mom) Scott and Kristin(brother and sister) in your prayers.

Matthew----4 months and the pain remains the same....Almost unbearable---But we will carry on; just for you.

Love,

Dad,Mom,Scott,Kristin

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Please pray for my mother. I am terminally ill, she still is not able to discuss it. She has come and stayed with me for several hours each day since last Friday. Every day, I try to comfort her in some way. She has so many defenses, I finally quit. Please pray for her to accept this part of life. Although it is not normal or right for a parent to survive a child, it often happens.

I read a few posts and I know that you know what I am saying. If you can tell me how to help her, I will gladly try your advice. Cancer is a terrible disease, not only for what it does to your body but for what it does to your family and friends.

Thank you so much. Beyond Indigo has been a life line for me lately. I am grateful our paths crossed. Peace and Love.

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DeeAnn   

Dear Marilyn,

I will continue to keep you in my prayers and will also pray for your mother. I pray for her to find peace with the very difficult circumstances life has for her right now. Take very good care of yourself, Marilyn, and know many, many people prayer for you daily, even some you don't even know about :)

**hugs** Let us know how you're doing...

DeeAnn

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vikigee   

(((Marilyn)))

First of all, please know that I am praying for you. (I lost my own beloved mom to cancer when I was just a teen.)

I would also like to suggest something that might help both you and your mother.

NEVER stop TRYING to talk to her. But-I come from a HUGE family (on both my mother and father's side), 99% of which are ALL in denial. ("Maybe if we don't talk about it or think about it, IT WON'T EVER HAPPEN!" Sound familiar?)

I'm thinking that maybe you could get a nice little journal, or even a notebook and write to your mother. WRITE THE THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY AND TELL HER, BUT THAT SHE WON'T ALLOW YOU TO. And write them with all of the same love that you would TELL her, if only she would let you.

Her inability to accept them NOW is NO REFLECTION upon you, dear. Sometimes we just develop LIFELONG "bad habits" (especially about denying or trying to ignore painful things), and it's often just easier to hang onto those BAD HABITS than to let go of them and feel we have NOTHING to hold onto when things seem to be spinning out of control.

Also-having what you want to say to her WRITTEN DOWN OR RECORDED may go much, much further than you can even begin to estimate. BECAUSE THEN, THEY WON'T JUST BE WORDS SAID INTO THE AIR, TO DISAPPEAR, OR BE SWALLOWED UP BY HER GRIEF. Having them written to go back and reread, and to wrap her heart around WHENEVER SHE FINALLY REACHES *THAT* POINT will be something priceless you can leave her. And who knows? Having them to reflect upon AGAIN AND AGAIN may actually help her LOSE or CHANGE some of those habits! (Stranger things have happened!)

If you write them down, or even TAPE RECORD THEM (whatever you're able to do)-they will be a LOVING LEGACY that she can "rewind" and learn from over and over. AND WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY CAN OR WILL, TOO!

:)

As I said, you can still try to reason with her. TRY TELLING HER, "I DESPERATELY NEED TO SAY THIS TO YOU! DO YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO LISTEN?" (Worth a shot?)

IF NOT-write/record the journal. And tell her right away in it that you did it BECAUSE YOU LOVED HER ENOUGH TO NOT TAKE HER "NO" FOR A FINAL ANSWER.

She's just hoping that maybe if she doesn't "claim" it, it won't be true, or happen. (((Mothers)))

Please *know* I will be thinking of you and praying for you both!

(((Hugs)))

With the love that never ends,

your spiritual sis

(\O/) viki (\O/)

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Thank you for your prayers. I know that prayer is what has carried me for all these months.

Today I called Social Security Administration to ask for disability. I prayed before calling and got the person I needed to speak with. She was understanding and courteous. She did not have authority to put me in fast lane but said her supervisor would be in Tuesday and she could put me in fast lane. The woman said she would call me Tuesday and let me know something. Isn't that great? Usually, if there is a rude receptionist, my ring will pick her/him out or a row of 10!! Or, at Wal-mart, I get in the line that has the slowest checker. Maybe it is me, am I gripping?

What my point started out to be was "prayer makes a difference." Sometimes it is the strongest thing we can do for one another. The sicker I get, the more I believe that prayer is powerful.

I told my mother about this site. I had printed off a response on another board. I could see she made a mental note of it. Hopefully, when she is ready to reach out, you will be here for her.

Writing something for her is something I had not thought about. You are right, if it was written she could review it or go back to it time and time again. Isn't it funny how when you are in the midst of something you can not see the obvious?

I'm rambling, thank you so much for prayer. Love and peace.

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I know you are praying for me. Things are going well. My mother and I are experiencing closeness we haven't shared before. Thank you. I pray for my cyberfriends. I can not name you but we are together in our pain, hope, strength, and some experiences. I feel some of you are ahead of me, I feel your tracks. I probably sound really farout and on drugs. I assure you I am not. I take medicine but as prescribed.

I am sick, my body is slowing down, my mind is very much alert. Have you seen light bugs fly against the glass? My mind is similar to those light bugs trying to reach the light? Thank you for your prayers. I pray for you. Love and Peace.

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DeeAnn   

Dear Marilyn,

I'm glad you're able to feel the power of the prayers being prayed for you. You're a beautiful soul. I appreciate you keeping us updated on how you're doing. Take good care hon...

DeeAnn

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midhar   

Please everyone here pray for my daughter Chris. She is in prison for killing her sister. She is bi-polar and never was violent or threatening to anyone in the family before this happened.

She is very sick right now and we have been fighting to get them to take care of her. After many months they finally did an Ultrasound and Blood test which showed them that Chris was right about what her problems were. She has cysts and fibroid tumors. WEll they just stopped there and did nothing till I got the advocacy center to get involved.

Finally they did another test and found a lesion on her ovary the size of her pointer finger as well as the cysts and fibroid tumors and will test for Ovarian cancer but I do not know how long they will draw this out too as there is another girl in there with it and should have done surgery on her and they

still haven't.

Thank you for your prayers. Jeni

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DeeAnn   

Dear Jeni,

Chris will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I have read about Chris and your situation on other boards, and I uphold you in prayer as well. Take good care....

DeeAnn

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Yes, I will pray for your daughter. You are in the right place. It is humbling to me when I think how I stumbled here and your prayer and support are carrying me through these extrememly tough times.

I know they are tough intellectually. I am not sure I have felt them yet. My brother died suddenly. I have been terminally ill since last May. Have outlived all expectations, etc.

My brother died this past Sunday. I never remember not having a little brother. The family asked me to write the euology. I was honored but I feel so lost. I feel as if he pushed me out of the way and said, "Me first this time."

I probably sound insane and I probably am. But I believe the prayer and support that I receive here has kept me from flying into a million pieces. Thank you. God put me in a loving enviornment and I appreciate you helping me along. Love and Peace.

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midhar   

Marilyn and DeeAnn,

Thank you for your prayers and concern. Marilyn I pray for a complete healing and quickly. I am so sorry about your losing your brother. My brother is dying from Lupus and POCD and other things and does not take care of himself. He still smokes which is terrible for POCD and he was just in the hospital with double Pnuemonia and said zI guess I have to quit now. Do not know if he has. I pray he does.

Dee Ann thank you for being here and praying for us as I will for you.

Love in Christ, Jeni

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Greetings: Thank you for your prayers. Please don't think me presumptious but I have prayed for God's will throughtout my illness. I have not prayed for healing. Maybe I am weird, but once I prayed for what I thought I wanted and when I got it it was not what I wanted. Since then, I have asked for God's will and I have lived in heaven. Now, I am terminally ill and it doesn't matter if there is a hereafter because this has been enough. Pray for God to use me and have his will done in my life. I am ready to go, I've waited way longer than expected. Am I weird?

Please do not think me ungrateful for your care and concern. I want God's will and I'm not sure he wants me to get well. Lately, a lot of people have said that they have learned things from me. See, I used to asked God, "Let me be of service to you." Well, I never knew if he was using me or not. Lately, He has let me know that i have been used. I cannot tell you how good it makes me feel.

Am I mean? Crazy? Tell me, please. I know that I am not normal. Love and Peace

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Hello every one , My name is Bonnie and my son has stage 4 colon cancer he is 29 years old and married with two step children and they love him like he was their own father and he also loves them just as much. He has a wonderful wife that thinks the world of him and she is crazy in love with him and very good to him . I can be thankful to god that he has a loving wife like her. I am very greatful to her for taking care of my son so well . He just started his treatments 4 weeks ago and he has a long way to go and the last two weeks he has been very depressed , I just found out about this 2 days ago and I called him and told him to get out of bed and play games on the tv that is something he likes to do with the boys . I guess you call it tough love . I also told him I love Him and to just keep praying to god every day as I do many times a day and night . my life has been a night mare the last 5 months . I was just married Oct.1 of 05 and nov.1 my back went out and I have been off work since then . I had to have many test run on me and i have bulging disk in my back and my sciatic nerve is messed up . I was unable to walk for three weeks and have been running in circles going to different doctors with know relief of the pain , so I saw a new doctor yesterday and started injections again for the 3rd time . But I have to say I am in more pain today from that shot he gave me. I just keep praying something will help me . I need to get back to work to get out of debt to help my son. So after this happened to me seven weeks ago I found out about my son's cancer I just lost it . I am depressed over this and heart broken and to make matters worse my niece just died 3 weeks ago she was 15 she had a seizure her momma went in to wake her little sister up to go tee tee at 1:30 am and she found her not breathing . I am so heart broken over the loss of her. and then the next thing that has now happen to our family my aunt has breast cancer and have to have surgery, She had the surgery and Will be ok thank god , but now her grand daughter who is 24 and just got married was in the hospital the last two days and had to have all kinds of test run and they found a mass in her nose and they did surgery on her yesterday and took out a large piece and sent it off to be looked at and told her she may have lymphoma Now I am worried sick about her she is such a sweet girl and a good girl. I just don't know how much more I can stand . And now one of my best friends that I worked with is in the hospital with breast cancer and they had to remove her breast yesterday . I have a long prayer list and I am asking you all to please pray for us . I can use all the prayers I can get

I love my son so much and I pray to my god every day and night to please help my son get through this . I feel guilty because their is nothying I can do

I just keep praying and praying

Thank you all

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pray for me i beg of you..for the strength to survive

Hello , I read your story I feel bad that you had to have a life of hell. But You can pull your self out of that hell. I was raped twice my self and I wont say who raped me . But i did deal with it . Took me many years to get over hating sex . Until I met the right husband who I am with now and love dearly. However You have made life for your children hell. Your children shouln't have seen you in that state of mind . I feel very sorry for them and I will pray for you all. But now you really need to look of the damage that you have caused your children , They are growing up the same way as you did almost , seeing their mother do damage to her self and feeling sorry for your self . You need to be a shamed of your self to put your children through this . Get your act together and try to help your children they need all your love and you need them more than you need a man. Your children should always come first and all I have seen that you have done is give up on your self and feel sorry for your self . We all have had webs in our closets . You have to make your life what you want it to be. So get started you have a lot of work to do and it's called tough love

THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND I GOT TO SAY WOT A STORY IT IS WHEN U HEAR IT MAYBE U WILL FIND IT SHOCKING BUT BELEIVE ME EVERYTHING IS TRUE TO LIFE I DONT LIKE TO MENTION NAMES AS I AM NOT THE PERSON WHO LIKES ENEMIES I JUST MENTION THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE THAT HELP ME IN MY LIFE THAT WAY I CAN BE PRAISED AND NOT HATED, IM SORRY IF U FIND THIS STORY SAD BUT ITS THE GOSPEL TRUTH AND I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW ALL THE PAIN AND SUFERING THAT I SUFFERED MAYBE IT NOT REACH THE TOP SHELF OR THE BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR BUT NO ONE CAN BLAME ME FOR TRYING, ITS ABOUT ABUSE THE STORY OF MY LIFE THE PAIN I SUFFERED AND THE PERSON THAT I BECOME I HOPE U ENJOY AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU IF U SUFFER ANYTHING LIKE I HAVE IN MY LIFE CATX but there is a couple of people i have to thank my husband ahmed, my brother mike, my children,

THE BEGINNING:

i was born in the year 1969 a spring baby, my mother had me on a thursday as i recall my mother said i was born a beautiful 8pound baby, those days you didnt need to be hospitalized to give birth unless of complications, the local midwife delivered me, she was an irish girl young pretty red hair, like most irish, i was her 13th delivery as my mother told me, anyway the next day after ma birth another midwife came to my mothers house a big black lady, my mother asked wheres my usual midwife? she replied im so sorry but there has been a tragedy last night with her! omg my mother thought wot? she asked the midwife told her she is dead, my mother was so shocked and asked what had happened, the midwife replied she comitted suicide, what a tradgedy my mother thought and wondered why such a beautiful young talented gurl had done this, later she found out the young irish midwife had problems with her husband and killed her self, talk about bad luck! 13th baby born just says it all to me, dont know about you.This is what my mother tell me, not a good start in life if you are like me superstitious.The next thing my mother told me was when i was six mths old, those days it was okay to leave your baby outside the shop in their pram cos life them days wasnt like it is now plus you couldnt fit the big silver cross prams through the small doors of the shops,my mother left me outside whilst she went into the shop for her bits and paices as i sat there in my pram with my rheins on not a care in the world, as she came out she was surprised and shocked to see i wasnt there! she noticed a woman dark haired holding me taking me away, she panicked and ran over to the woman and snatched me from her, what on earth was this woman thinking of my mother thought.My mother asked what are you thinking of the woman replied to her"please let me have her?" omg my mother refused and said to her no way what on earth u thinkin of taking my daughter? she replied "Please let me keep her, this child is so lucky!" my mother refused and said no the woman turned to my mother and said "Never swap this child for a gold pig she is too lucky!" my mother took me away and ignored this woman put me in my pram and began to take me home, she always said this woman was a gypsy, i think to my life and wished that that gypsy had got away with me, she would of stopped the cruel things in my life i often think about her even now.

I will start from where i know best, we lived in a 3 bed roomed council house in a not so bad area at the time, me my 2 sisters 2 brothers mother and father.I can only recall my life from the age of eight years old, i cant remember the years b4 maybe its been blocked out somehow in my memory, the earliest i remember is from six yrs the only incident.I tell you about it, we lived near a big park the most popular park in our ares it contained slides swings usual things you would find there in a park.One day i was with my sister she was 3 yrs older than me at the time and my cousin was down visiting my family with her family that day it was a beautiful summers day, we was playing on the park on the seesaw my cousin and sister sat on one side as me usual clumpsy girl was at the other end tryin to pull it down, you know what they did?? jumped off omg underneath the handle there was big scews holding them in, bang straight in to my head they went, i still remember the pain i never forget anything im like an elphant i have a very good memory, god dam it it hurt, my sister pulled off the seesaw and my beautiful blonde hair was soon covered in red blood, i ran accross the park to my house screaming, my uncle at the time was the only one with a car and decided to take me to the local infirmary, i remember being scard cos you what kids are like with needles ouch i thought, i never forget he promised to give me 25pence if i took the needle and was brave so i beleived him, they glued the hole in my head and gave me the needle i never did get the 25pence i guess he owes me now with interest was worth a try for him and i did listen to him as he was my favourite uncle.Its kinda hard to imagine what i have been through all my life seems like a nightmare, many people would have comitted suicide, dont get me wrong i have tried so many times but for some reason its never my time to die, like i said im like a cat with nine lives.Anyway lets get bk to my life story.When i was eight years old me and my sisters brothers and mother lived a dreadfull life, at the time when your just a child you accept what is going on in your life, you accept the way you are being brought up, its the way of life your nieve and dont know any better.I can remember my father he played a big part in my life and you want to know something real strange i still have and at that time have the most utter respect for, he played a big part in my life and got the ball rolling to this miserable life that i sufferewd, and was the cause of the beginning of the sadness in my life.He had a drink problem you see, it was so strange because if you ever met him when he was sober he was the nicest man that walked this earth, and i think this is the good side that i saw in him and maybe thats why i forgived him all these years, who knows maybe its just the loving and forgiving person that i am.But when he drank oh my goodness, u would run a mile, he used to spend all his weeks earnings in the the local pub that he adored in the bandits and lose everything, whilst all of us suffered at home eating anything that went that was going in the cupboards, i remember my mother sewing away on her treadmill sewing machine trying to make fur toys to earn a few quid so that she could feed her children, i remember the rations we had 7 of us sharing 1 pint sterilised milk and puttin water in so father wouldnt know if we had used to much in that day.I cant hate my mother for staying with him she was scared cos sometimes she wiuld get a crack from him but there agin i remember she would tell our fathewr if we had been naughty which we wasnt it was just petty things but she made sure he knew when hed come bk from the pub when he was drunk and i tell u that was far worth than when he was sober cos the punishmebt was much far worst.I remember his hometimes were always around 6pm and the way he used to act like the loving father he thought he was, but his affection was much more different than other fathers.The times when he used to say come sit with dad and touch and grope and say "lets see hoe yr develping!" at that time we didnt understand it was a way of life with us especially when we was demanded to lie next to him on the sofa as he slept off his alchahol addiction and i could feel his so called love sticking in my back, and shaking from head to toe.My sisters suffered the same especially years b4 i could remember they remember everything, i remember wheb he used to hide under our beds to watch us undresss, thats not right now i realise that now that i am older and wiser.Let me just say im in bed right now writing this story with the love of my life lay next to me hes a sleep and doesnt realise what im writing but ive been telling him for the past mth or so i am going write my life story, we are in a travel lodge and resting for the night the date is 1st jan 2004, we are travelling to his country where he lives, i havent saw him for 12 yrs we are on a mission but i will tell u all about that a little later on, hes my childhood sweethaert and has been for over 21 yrs of my life.Not only was my father agressive abusive violent we was all scared of him as children as he was a tall man and as you know we had to do as we were told a sign of respect

When i was a child i remember always being the peacemaker tryin to be funny and make everyone smile the joker also i did this to be on the good side of my father as i didnt like being hurt .He used to cry sometimes about the terrible childhood he had we all felt sorry for him , and u can say i kinda forgive him as i thought it wasnt his fault it was because of his upbringing the way he was with us,you see he told us he saw his mother being caried away on a stretcher when he was 3 yrs old he said she died of meningitis what a tradgedy i thought and what an awful thing for a child to see he said it was the last day he saw her alive.You know when your a child u can beleive anything because you are so nieve, one thng you know that every child loves pets and i tell you something the amount of pets that we had was unbeleivable. I rember our first dog it was a sheep dog you know the kind you on tv always rounding up the sheep in the farmers field? he was a beautiful black and white collie dog, his name was skippy and he was 14 yrs old in our life at the time, i used to watch this program as a chils called "skippy" it was a bout a kangaroo, our dog was called skippy and wheb this program came on he used to run round in cirlcles get so excited and then sit there and watch it all the way through.He was getting old by this time and his bk legs started to go, he develped cancer and my dad and all of us was so sad, but father never took him to the vets.One day i remember he took skippy into our bk garden i followed him, i saw him hold this axe above skippys head skippy looked bk as if he knew his days were numbered and it was his time to leave this life, strange thing was my dad was crying as if he had a gun to his head making him do this dreadfull thing he was about to do, and within one blow he strook skippy accross his skull, blood everywhere, i was so shocked but ma father said that it was the best way and at least our dog wasnt sufferibg no more.W e all carried on this life until father decidedit would be nice for us to get a cat so we did black and white again "Mrs pee" he named her she was lovely but problem was she was always getting pregnant and everytime she had her kittens ma father drowned them in our toilet, it come to the point he had had enough and took our cat to a forset 6 miles away and dumped her their with her kittens once at least they had a little chance to survive.Another time father decided to breed new zealand rabbits we didnt have a clue why?? we saw them born fed them took care of them like our pets,one day i came home from school smelt a gorgeous smell hmm i thought i wonder what is for tea i sat down this lovely stew as i was eatin it my 2yr old brother at the time kept cryin refusin to eat, i thought to myself why is he being so awkward this could be his last meal until tomorrow, my father got angry and started to shuvle the stew into my brothers mouth i neva forget my brother chokin, then my sisster the middle one camme in and shouted "do u realise he dont wanna eat its like he eat his pets?" she was strong she wasnt scared she was and still is the strongest child of us all, it was at that time i realised omg its our rabbits i was sick and didnt eat no more i couldnt id fed those rabbits from being babies what a sick thing to do you see as i told u before his money went on drink whilst he fed us our pets not nice dont you think??. After that day we still suffered the sexual physical mental abuse from our father we didnt have any more pets for a long time, he carried on drinking crying about his awful life as a child everytime he drank too much.At the age of 14 i started to get a little consious about the way i looked you know teenagers like to look good, we always walked around in 2nd hand clothes i never forget the cruel names at scholl "rumble jumble" was the favourite, and then i realised at this time my dad was known as "mad max" I remember our christamsas i remember wantin a aron jumper and new jeans one year, xmas morning came i opened my presents i got them alright only difference was the jumper had a egg stain on it and the jeand had white patches in the knees, also one year i got a loaf of bread pkt mixed jams and margarine my father laughed was his kinda joke as he always called me "miss piggy" and "harry the horse" wouldnt mind i wasnt a fat kid but it plyed havock on my mind thats the time i started to worry about my weight.One day came father decided to have another pet i couldnt beleive it he actually paid £300 for a pedigree dog she was a west island terrior, i thought maybe after payin that he wud pay her vet bills but i was wrong she got parvo a disease that kills dogs, and guess what he did? i know u know he strangled her in front of us all to put her out of her misery docter max i thought it devastated us all. When i got 15yrs old he bought me trainers he got a bargain from one of his so called mates i was so happy the first pair of trainers new in my life, but i was dissapointed to find they were 4 sizes bigger than my feet brown velevet not what you could say the latest fashion at that time but i didnt complain it was better than nothing as i was a keen runner for my local school even though they used to fall off my feet when i was running at least they kept my feet dry i didnt complain and was gratefull he at least thought of me.It was nice when my elder sisiter started to work cos she was earning money and could put 50pence in the metre for electric and used to save her bubbly hot bath water for me was better than going fourth in the same water after other people, i was happy as i got older i got a job in the local chippy, work late nights but earned money and started to feel a little independent.It was at tha time when i met stuart the guy i told you about at the beginning of my book, i hope u remember like i do,we dated and fell in love, but i was always weary we was young and things didnt work out i ended the relationship and hurt him very bad but thats one thing i wond discuss with you.When i was 18yrs old i started work as a trinee electrician i fell for my boss he was nice and gave me a lot love and affection which was what i needed after everything especially the break up of me and stuart,stuart was gone out of my life i dont know where he got to.I ended up havin my first daughter carrie what a beautiful baby she was i had everything wonderful in laws lots of love, but as time went on when carrie was 13mth old i got prgnant again i got until 5mths then the baby died i was devastate dand tryed to take my life, but didnt succedd once again.

i wasnt ment to die i dunno why, my god spared me.a couple mths later i was exspecting again i was so happy it was like my god had given bk to me the baby i had lost, few mths later my son james was born he was beautiful my special baby, i looked upon him like the baby i had lost.But things went sour in my relationship with my childrens father he started to get very jelous of me and nasty and violent it was like history repaetin its self i couldnt live like this again and we split up, stuart was bk again in my life we planned lots of things our future but once again we split up he dissapeared off the face of the earth and i was gutted my first and last love dissapeared.I tryed to rebuild my life again met a sweet guy we married moved away to wiltshire as he was in the army at that time, life was peaceful i enjoyed it carrie and james were happy they still kept in touch with their dad, i fell pregnant in 1995 and i ended up coming bk to my home town as my partner at thew time was going to war with hir regiment because of the bosnian war.I dont know what happened but i had a nervous breakdown i neally lost my third child nikita, my husband got discharged on compasionate grounds he joined me in my homew town got a job as a bus driver, i started to get well and then i found out he was cheating on me not only tha had been beatin carrie and james for 4 yrs behind my bk and my house was getting reposessed cos he used to spend the mortgage money on his other woman.After the break up of that marriage i was so cautious of men, lost my trust completly, i started to do the things on i misses out on as a teenager night clubbing girlie nights in watchin scary movies in the dark with my friends,during that time i met a guy one night in a club sami he said his name was he was so sweet but like i said i wasnt interested, he mythered me for weeks for my number to take me out to dinner i always gave the same answer, but after the few mths i kinda saw all the good things in him kind sweet generous so i thought oh well just this once,Little did i know we fell in love and moved in together what a great guy he was, we had pour arguments like every other couples married in 2000 but then suddely i started to change mood swings omg swollen belly pains in my sides we argued we both were suffering from anxiety and depression cos we hasd a lot on our plate that time home office, i was always moaning i want a holiday but there wasnt a chance as ahmed hadnt been granted his indefinate to stay, we decided to have some time apart this was 2002, but still saw each other gave ourselves some space. We come 2003 a dreadfull thing happened i found out i had cancer, i undergone surgery and the sugeon told me it benine, my two eldest children left me i was alone wit my youingest child who was six at the time, she tried bless here was hard for us both then in the summer i gotbad news i had cancer, my husband came bk to look after me as i thought at the time i undergone major surgery again twice within 3 mths apart, i got the all clear and am in remission,Early in 2004 my ahmed got sick and had to go into hospital to have a biopsy on his long he has a tumor there but thank god it isnt cancerous but he has to have checkups every three mths i took good care of himBut we started to get in each others snxiety again because it was the same old story holiday home office we decided a few days apart.But i really wished that we hadnt because something dreadfull happened to me I thought life was sweet until the rape another abuse to me.

chapter 2

chapter 2 the rape

this night me and my two friends decided to go out to karaokee then into town, we drank laughed and had lots of fun it was a proper gurlie night out the usual thing on a a night out somehow it was more fun we were relaxed when we got into the town. After the karaokee we went into the local bars into town, we was by this time very tipsy around 10 oclock that night we went to our locl night club it was packed out as it was the buisiest club in the town.We ordered our drinks and then we walked around the club for a bit, then off to the dance floor we went we loved to dance they played all sorts of music, we was dancing there when this guy came over to talk to me he seemed the sweetest guy ever, we seemed to get on really well he really seemed like a proper gentleman, i decided to go on to coke as by now the lights were spinning i always did this as i know how far to push myself with drink i dont like to get into a drunken state like my father did all those years ago.My friends sudenly dissapeared and i was left there alone with this guy, but being as nieve and trusting as i am i felt under no threat, like i said he was nice. Arounf 1am i decided to go home as i had to be up early the next day as my youngest daughter was coming back from her dads house the following morning.I said i was going for a taxi and the guy said to me he could drop me off home, i didnt think twice really as i wasnt the scared type i used to box and wasnt frightened, i agreed but made it clear that there was nothing in it, he agreed.As we were going to his car this largish guy came over and the two spoke in a different language i think it was arabic. He said to me that this was his cousin and he was going home with him as they lived in the same town not my town it was in liverpool, i still thought nothing of it.We all got into his car and i directed them to my house as we were going home we got on like a house on fire i thought it would be a kid gesture to invite them in for their trouble, they said thanks and in we went, my friends were awake at this time and we all had a coffee i downloaded my pictures from my didgital camera to my pc like i always did after a night out, the time was getting on and i said to the two that i was getting tired adam as he said his name was the guy i thought was sweet asked if we could talk in private i said and i made it perfectly clear that i wasnt into one night stands , he said to me noooooooo its not what he wanted he said he just wanted to talk, so i agreed.We went into my room chatted a bit and cuddled then i asked him to leave as he did as i wished but i thought it was kinda strange when his cousin kept hanging around on the landing and walking into my room. Adam kissed my cheek and said goodbye then left i even heard the door close behind them as i thought.By this time it was around 3am and i fell into a deep sleep.As i was sleeping i started to have a horrible dream i was hearing voices then they got louder and i was woken up to"HOWS THAT CAT ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?" it was at this time i realised this couldnt of been a dream, i turned to where the voice came from and there stood adam, i remember wondering why he there and why did he say that, then everything made sense i felt a huge weight ontop of me, as i turned to look up there was his cousin, i started to cry and realised what was going on he put his hand over my mouth and told me "shhh.....shhhh!!!" i panicked and tryed my best to push him off but he was so heavy, i kicked bashed my hands against my headboard,i woke up my friend and she came running into my room she switched the light on she caught them and they fled very fast, i was raped it all happened so quickly but at the time felt like a life time.we called the police and before i knew it my house was flooded in cid police and forensics, and i was whisked off to a rape centre for examining.They were eventually caught and the cid beleived me it was such a releif but later the crown prosocution let them off and said insufficient evidence it devastated me.The trauma was too much i started to scrub myself 5 times a day i felt dirty then the i ended up in a lot of pain and saw 4 docters that week, as time went on guilt started to come in i felt like i needed to punish myself and i started to change everything about myself i dyed my lovely blonde hair to black and stopped eating by september i was really poorly and the anorexia/bulimia kicked in then the self harm.

It messed me up that year i ended up anorexic/builimic self ahrming i lost 4 stone in weight within 9 weeks,life was hard i had my 8yr old daughter and my 13yr old son with me, they suffered i lost my job all my friends took everything my car reposessed i had nothing just my kids i even shared trainers with my 13yr od son, my family ignored me apart from my brother who was wonderful, my father got told of my illness and called me,his exact words wasnt helpful i wont go into that as you are aware of the type of person he is,Ahmed my husband wasnt aware of what had happened and i called him crying asking to see him,he picked me up and was so shocked to see the state of me, i had lost a lot of weight thin losong my hair rotton teeth,he started to take care of me bk and to the hospital everytime i self harmed i couldnt help it i was still traumatised and felt full of guilt that i was raped anorexia is a phsycological illness and is brought on in 80% cases from sexual abuse(rape in most cases)Halloween i was in my room on my pc whilst my brother mike was doing a little party downstairs for my kids and my nephew mark nikita my 8yr old had a cat suit her dad had bought her from asda and mike my brother used my eye liner to do her whiskers and black nose i sat at my oc crying i couldnt go out trick or treating like we usually did, nikita come into my room and asked when was we going i replied i cant baby mummys not well, she was devestated and ran in her room crying, omg i felt so guilty so i self harmed cut both my wrists, my fault cos of the rape i thought my lifes ruined i was rushed into hospital nikita crys still now about that,james 13 at the time tryed to hang hisself from his bunk he suffers mental depression now and still isnt in school hes too traumatised my familys destroyed.

I think it was november time 2004 i was in my room i seeked company on my pc with my friends from all over the world tryin to think of a solution to this dreadfull nightmare me and my kids were suffering, there was a knock at my door nikita answered it was my middle sister.

She shouted me and said there was an old friend with her who come to see me, i shouted bk "2min i come down" when i entered my lounge there was this guy with her he had a hat on and dint look to me but said hello, i relpied hello and went over to my other pc.My sister said dod u know who this is?? i replied "no" he looked to me omg i was so shocked, can u guess who it was??stuarti couldnt beleive it it had been 11 yrs since i saw him i was happy but mixed emotions, and a little embarrased cos my scars were still fresh i had 35 scars within 2 mths he saw me at the worst stage in my illness.Christmas time was the worst time seeing my children waking up christmas morning to nothing lookin at them keeping a brave face holding bk theit tears i cut my face and arms through guilt again, i promised them we have christmas in spring, but springs gone and it was hard to explain to my 8yr old mummys still sick.

.Three months later we lost touch and i started once again to suffer from the horrible killer anorexia, its real hard beleive me, continued...cat wit 9 lives.

where was i? ah yes i remember i was up to when i told u about my breakdown, since this time i decided to seak medical help in that way i mean councelling, i have tried for 11mths to cope myself and not have councelling, but the other week i had to go see my docter, my ears was being affected everything started to sound real loud, even the slightest little sound was very loud to me and it really hurt my head, i started to get migranes, i broke down in front of my docter, and asked why all these problems? my body starting to die inside i feel, i losing my hair, my teeth are bad from bulimia,full of scars from self harm, bruises come and go, aching joints, and now my ears, the docter said it all cos my anorexia, these are the symptoms, your body starts to shut down like a car with no petrol, like a flower with no water, its a dreadfull illness, always on the scales weighing yourself, scared to eat, food has become my worst enemy beleive me, and why all this? cos i was raped, im not only the victim but i also pay with my life for something i didnt ask for.It seems to me also everything go wrong in my life, always hurdles, but i swear nothin will ruin me, i try so hard, i have to.I went out to town with my sister and her friend after 11mths and we lost each other, sad thing is they didnt bother to come look where i was, shows their concern hey!! decided to walk home but got a little scared called my brother to pick me up, im moving soon i hope i need get away from this house its very bad luck for us all, i think i got a ghost, cos lots of strange things happen here but i think its a friendly one cos it does silly things to sort of let u know its there, maybe its the woman who was murdered here in the 1970s, its true i know its hard to bbeleive, her husband poured petrol over her and set fire to her in this house,i think it is her who turns down my stereo and knocks things off the wall bless her.You know i got proper strange family i didnt tell you that my grandmother (god bless her soul) was mudered by my grandfather, she was 33yrs at the time 8mths pregnant my grandfather was a cruel man treated my father and his brothers and sisters like they were nothing, anyway grandfather pushed my grandmother down the stairs she was rushed into hospital her baby came and died she died 2 days later,:( i was always told by my father that she died of menengitis, he was 3 wen she died.I visited her grave wen i was 16yrs old down at our local cemetry and was so shocked to find her my granfather and 2 babies buried in the same grave but there was no head stone, this really hurt she was murdered and no headstone? is that right? all because my granfather was playing away from home and she found out, then the cheek of it he was put in the same grave thats disgusting.I t is my intention one day that i shall buy a beautiful headstone for my gran and her babies, and it might seem cruel but i wouldnt write my grandfathers name on it, he doesnt deserve to be on there.U may find it hard to beleive this story of my life but i swear my life everything that i write is true, i just have faith in my god and pray he make my and my childrens my fav brother mike and my nephews life a little better and pass some luck our way also le he deserve it too many selfish people take advantage of him, hes like me in a lot of ways, i pray he sees his family soon in egypt as he misses them dreadfully, and that he gets to see his 2 sons sammi and luke.I know this road am on has been very bumpy for 36yrs but am sure my god will straighten out this road and the people who have supported me through my illness cos they been a tower of strength.I still got my little car lol not much to look at but gets me around, and the weird thing is i have many fans lol, but they dont think like me there the type people who judges a book by its cover, its wrong.I maybe suffering still but i get some good things from my illness i learnt how to struggle to do without i learnt the value of money and always make sure you have some put away for a rainy day, plus i lost the horrible selfishness that i had inside me for such a long time, i become such a sweet gurl and my hearts as big as the world, but i learnt not to be nieve like i was..which is a good thing.......to be continued...

chapter three...

The mth is now june things arnt so good still i self harmed writing help on my left arm starve purge abuse laxatives, im in shock still traumatised my kids upside down my brothers depressed my husbands depressed, what can we do?

june 12th drank so much alchahol took lots tablets fell unconscious i had enough, luckily enough my oldest daughter found me my heart had stopped and the docters had to do cpr on me, ahmed pleaded with me to get councelling after that so i agreed, 23rd june i was rushed in hospital again gastric problems i have suffered severve pain since 9mths my docter suspects i have an ulcer from purging have an appointment august but i dont think i can wait until then in pain.Started councelling and the phsycyatrist put me on so many meds i sleep 24.7 now no life and when i am awake im writing letters sending emails constantly to solve my husbands case with the immigration, so we both poorly now i hope my husband doesnt try to suicide he talks about it ofton i have to go now to sleep i shall continue soon..

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