I lost my best friend

[elRey]

Hello, I am new to this website. I was looking around the web for sites about grief and I came across it and decided to register. My best friend, Kathie, died four months ago. She was 57 years old and died suddenly from necrotic fasciitis. NF has been in the news lately with 2 young people who have contracted it, but are surviving. My friend became ill and died 4 days later from NF. From what I have learned after the fact, this is more typical of the infection and that it has a 70% fatality rate. Kathie and I became friends later in life. We weren't childhood friends, although we did grew up just a few towns apart. We attended many of the same events and hung out in the places, but never knew eachother. We followed similar paths in life, both becoming librarians, she right out of college, and me as a third or fourth career. This is when we met, at the library I was hired at, and where she worked as well. We became work friends first, then friends with each of our spouses and then friends for life. We had known eachother for 20 years and very close for 16 of those years. The grief is overwhelming and has not gotten any better in 4 months. I am truly heartbroken. I find myself staring out windows hoping to see her round the corner. I look across the room at work, hoping to see her smiling at me. If anything the grief is worse now than it was shortly after she died. The reality of never seeing her again I guess is the cause. People say to me, it's God's plan, or in time you will feel better. I want to say back, "What kind of God could take someone like Kathie?" People say to me, soon the memories will make you smile and not cry. Not sure if this will happen, although sometimes I can feel her so close...whispering to me..."snap out of it for pete's sake, you know I'm waiting for you." I never used to believe in contact from the dead. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me wishing for that contact. Sometimes though she seems so close, just out of reach...other times not. I am fortunate to have so much to live for...a loving wife, 2 grown-up kids, 2 grandkids, friends and family. I have an okay job and I'm looking forward to retirement in a little over 2 years. But I feel so adrift, listless, and going through the motions. I lost my mom in 1981, but never have I experienced grief like this. Not sure what I'm looking for by joining this website...maybe some contact from others who are going through the same thing or have gone through it in the past. Thanks for reading the post.

[ModKonnie]

HI,

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. Do you think you are experiencing a more emotional trauma because she was so young and it was unexpected? Is is possible you are suffering from some type of shock? Perhaps you should seek some counseling to discuss your inability to process your emotions. Would writing down your feelings help? How about a grief and loss self help group?

We will certainly be here to listen to you,

ModKonnie

[elRey]

Hi, I've considered talking to a professional about this but haven't done so as of yet. What helps somewhat now is talking to friends. I do write down my feelings in emails and texts to friends as well. I don't think it is an inability to process my emotions, it is an overwhelming sadness at her not being here anymore. She would be the last person in the world who would want me to be sad, but I am, and so are some of her closest friends. She left a big emotional "footprint" on all of us. As I read other people's comments about their losses on this website, so many people are grieving. This is a good place to write out those feelings and talk with others. It does help.

HI,

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. Do you think you are experiencing a more emotional trauma because she was so young and it was unexpected? Is is possible you are suffering from some type of shock? Perhaps you should seek some counseling to discuss your inability to process your emotions. Would writing down your feelings help? How about a grief and loss self help group?

We will certainly be here to listen to you,

ModKonnie

[vlowe]

I lost my best friend many years ago. We were in our early 20's. Now I'm 42, and I hate to tell you, it doesn't get easier. As an adult, I have dreams of her or that include her as if she is still alive. They are comforting sometimes. It was a sudden lost, she was killed. I feel like there's a huge void where she would have been a part of my life. I'm lonely. I've tried to have friends, not trying to replace her. But it's hard to find someone I can trust. They always have a best friend or a sister who they confide in and discuss our personal conversations with. So I either try to be a friend to them and then find out they cannot be trusted or I find a friend and I don't open up to them completely because I know they have a best friend who they will betray my trust with. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places but I don't really know what to do anymore.

[kandicepamforeverfriends]

I just lost my soulmate bestfriend she was just 30. In a bad car wreck. I am desperatly alone and having panic attacks constantly. I totally understand your pain. I have never had a loss such as this. I wanted her to be my future grandbabies aunt and share her kids

[elRey]

Hi Kandi, thank you for responding to my post. So sorry for your loss. The suddenness maybe the worst part of your loss and mine. Just passed the 7 month mark and I am still devastated. Taken some recent steps to help with the pain like meditation and therapy. They work fine for that hour or day but then I am right back to sadness and depression. Therapist said it can take 2 years...seems like an arbitrary number to me. Writing out my thoughts in texts and emails does help. Peace to you Kandi

[yellowbird]

Dear elRey,

I have been reading posts on here for some time now but your post spoke to me so strongly that I joined just so I could respond to you. I lost my best friend in April and we were like sisters, the pain at times is unbearable. There are times when reality seems so shifted that I don't recognise my world or my life. My friend was only in her 30's and we had been friends for the better part of ten years. I heard a quote once and it stayed with me and it has helped me of late. "I won't say time heals all wounds because sometimes that just isn't true, sometimes all you can do is hang on until the scenery changes" So I am hanging on and waiting for the scenery to change. People in my life who have experience this kind of loss say it doesn't get better you just get better at dealing with it. I don't believe in god so I don't believe in a plan, I think it just sucks and that's all. Knowing I am not alone in the darkness that is loss helps, you are not alone.

[elRey]

Hello Yellowbird, I'm finding that the small interactions you have on any given day seem to help. Today I was in a shop that sold some pretty glass jars. I had been looking for one to move my friend Kathies ashes into. I decided to keep some of her ashes always, although most have been spread in a few of her special places. The ashes have been in a silver sugar container and it was time to give them a permanent home. This jar I found has beautiful swirling colors and is tapered ending in a thick cork top. You can probably guess what most people would use it for. So, I mention to the dude who was helping me what I was going to use it for. He stops talking for a moment puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Awesome tribute brother, she would love it." I don't know this guy and have only been in the shop once before. I was very touched by his words. As I finished my purchases he said as I was turning away, "Be at peace my friend." It is those kinds of interactions that have helped me. They don't happen that often but when they do....when that stranger extends just a little kindness it makes me feel better even if only for a moment. So, I'm happy that my words helped you a bit. And yes as others have said it may never get better but thankfully life sometimes reaches out and gives you a hug when you least expect it.

[yellowbird]

I know what you mean. I went to our local show the other night and the lady that did the face painting remembered us from last year. Last year we had my friend and her little girl with us. I told her she had passed away and she remember the article in the news paper because of how tragic it was. She hugged me twice and didn't charge us for the my face painting, it is small but it matters. So many people who were previously close don't know what to say so they say nothing. That is harder. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.