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Loss of my First Born


sallysmom

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  [align=right] Welcome Anita

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edit_text.gifPreview your story Life Will Never Be Like it Was by sallysmom   (Your email address will be listed)

My daughter Sally made me a mom in 1968, the happiest day in my life. She was a wonderful baby girl who was always smiling and waving to everyone. At age 10 months I adopted a puppy for her that she carried around put in her toybox and just loved her puppy so much. At 4 yrs old she learned how to read and read all the Golden Books I bought her. When she entered school her teacher was amazed when she told the teacher she could read. In her School Year Book she wrote at 5 yrs old that she wanted to be a dog doctor. She had 2 younger sibblings who she took care of like a little mother. She grew into a beautiful teen-ager and was in honors classes all through school, graduated with a regents diploma with honors and went on to Camden College. During college she worked at a local vets office and she was going for vet technician first. She also went to dog grooming school for one year. Between work, school and grooming animals she was a busy little bee. After she graduated and became certified she was able to care for all animals. She would also do pet sitting for extra money. She groomed all animals including birds and later on she started breeding cockatiels and as they hatched she would hand feed them with an eye dropper. She raised and sold birds over a 5 yr. period. Several years before she passed she also became a volunteer at the animal shelter during kitten season which is from approximately Feb. through Sept. because she explained to me that cats only breed certain times of the year. She told me if she didn\'t take all these tiny kittens in they would be put to sleep. She would buy the kitten formula and plenty of bottles to feed all the kittens. After the kittens were old enough to be adopted she brought them back to the shelter and people would remark how loveable these kittens were from the love she gave to them. My daughter was a very loving person who was always smiling and the life of every party, she had some sense of humor. During the 90\'s 2 of her close friends were diagnosed as having cancer and she had fund raisers for them and they were able to continue treatment until their deaths. She also brought hot dinners to some of the older people she knew from her grooming jobs who were alone and she felt sorry for them. She was an angel with her family and with me, always wanting to know if I needed anything or if she could do anything for me. After Katrina she raised 21,000. dollars grooming and pet sitting for free just asking for donations and of course many items for the pets that were in need. She had 2 trucks filled to capacity going to help all those poor victims in New Orleans. The night before she passed away she called me from her apt. and told me she went straight home after work because she was very tired and that she would see me tomorrow and told me she loved me as she always did. That next day was Monday when I received a call from her landlord to get over here quickly we have an emergency with Sally. I jumped in my car and headed to her apt. which was 10 min. away taking the highway. Fire engines and police cars were racing in the same direction I was going and they all exited on her exit. As I exited the highway and was heading toward her block I saw all the fire trucks, police cars and ambulances turning down her block and as I turned down her block I immediately knew my daughter had passed away. I parked my car 1/3 block away because the street was closed and ran toward her apt. and smoke was pouring out all the windows, fireman breaking windows and running up the stairs. There lying on a strip of grass covered in a white sheet was my daughter. Many of her animals had died with her. When the medical examiner came and examined her he told me that she was long gone before the fire had started and that perhaps one of the cats knocked a lamp over which started the blaze. I saw firemen bringing all her dead animals out who I later had cremated and put their ashes in her casket. Over 700 people attended her wake and everyone had a story about Sally how she did so much for so many people as well as animals and never asked what was in it for her. She was a giving person with a heart of Gold is what most people said but I knew that long before she passed. To bring up spirits I have to mention this: that I know when my Sally is near because I can smell the smell of the smoke that was pouring out of her apt. the scent comes and goes. My other daughter felt funny telling me this: that she knew her sister was near because she smelled smoke, something I didn\'t mention to anyone. I then admitted to her that I too smelled the same thing and felt Sally\'s closeness to me. Other people such as my sister and some of her friends at work had experienced the same thing and now I know I am not crazy. I am heart broken, I am hurting, I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything or even to get dressed some days. I actually feel that I am slowly dying inside. My husband, my daughter and I are on sleep medicine because none of us could fall asleep and stay asleep. I know if she could tell us that she wouldn\'t want us to be crying all the time and so so sad and miserable but we can\'t help it. I just keep telling her how much I miss her and can\'t wait to be with her again. Each day feels like torture and it worsens each day. The passing of time will not heal my heart or let me stop missing her and crying my heart out. So where does life go from here? How does normal come back? I have to confess to all that since her death I no longer pray. I prayed every day of my life and especially for my childrens\' health, well being and happiness and no one was listening, they were just selfish and took her away from me, so what the point in prayer? She missed so many years of life, she had so many plans, WHY?

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Sallys mom - Beautful story about a beautiful soul.  As always here, the picture reflects the light from within. 

Life I have come to understand never returns to normal.  It will eventually become a new normal with which we learn to exist.  Timelines for this are unrecordable.

To know your daughters spirit is close by the sense of smell is something I truly believe.  Many of us here sense our children in various ways.....mine is music.  My son was played wrote and loved his music.  Since he has been gone songs play indescriminately thru my PC, CD's play repetitively in my car and my youngest son experiences similar at his home........

The inability to sleep, to feel, to function is part of this normal reaction to an abnormal circumstance.....no parent should lose a child no matter what........Stay with the PJ's, come here often, read, post or just be......this isn't something you can return from or get over.......it may soften with time, but it will always be the bigger part of who you now are.........

Take Care - Trudi

 

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Hi there and thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss and we all know what we are going thru these days.  My Sally passed 8/21/06; and my life will never be the same of course. My husband helped me for the first year to deal with this loss and then he was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away 10/19/07. So trying to go on, I did with my soul mates' help and after he was taken I just gave up trying anything anymore.  Its been almost 4 mos. without him and 1yr and 6 mos with my daughter. The holidays came and went, and now Valentine's day is upon us. I get dressed only when I really have to go somewhere and get out, like to the food store or the bank but otherwise I hate being around happy people. I refuse to go to any type of party and have turned down wedding invitations of my friend's children but they all understand.  I cannot hear music or watch people laughing or having fun, it just depresses me more. I like being home with my new little doggie Charlie that my other daughter bought, my Lisa.  I also have my son who is a NYC Sanitation worker and they still live at home with me, thank heavens.  I visit the cemetary often and talk to both of them. My daughter and husband are in the same row a few graves apart. So this is me and probably you feel as I do.  It's the saddest thing to lose a child and then your life time partner.  I look forward to the end when I will see all my loved ones again.  Keep in touch, thank you, Anita.

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I too also lost my first born on 4-24-07 I have my days when it seems more real than others. I also lost her dad my ex two months after her. I'm coming upon my daughters one year mark in a couple of months and I feel numb and don't feel that upset now I guess it probably change later. I get sad when I realize shes not here anymore. I just wish I would wake up from this nightmare and she would be here. Thanks for letting me rant.

Deb

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hi sallys mum,i too lost my first born,my angel,he was 4 and a half wen he sadly,suddenly died,i feel for you,and all the other grieving parents on this site,i cry every time i read the pages,i unfortunately cannot feel or smell my angels presense and it really hurts that other family members can...why dosent he come to me?i had an answer from another mum on this site that if he came back then it would be hard for me to say goodbye again,it would probably set me back again,your daughter sounds like a wonderfull woman,i also love my animals as did my boy,any time you want to talk you are welcome to find me,i am off work at the moment waiting on an operation on my back so im on most of the time

my email is wilson.chrissy@yahoo.com

all my love chrissy xxx

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Oh Sally... your beautiful daughter... she sounds like such an angel. What a beautiful life she lived! It's not fair that she was taken from you.

I was reading about her and just adoring her right along with you, and then I read that your wonderful husband recently passed. Bless your heart. I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm just so sorry.

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