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I Am Lost Without Her


pbrinkley

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Almost one month ago, I lost my girlfriend, best friend, and soulmate to heart disease while she was in the hospital waiting for a heart transplant. We had known each other for many years, but just about a year and a half ago, we had started to spend alot of time together and became quite close. You see, I was going through a divorce and she was already divorced, so she was a type of support for me. We spent almost every day together and became almost inseperable, we told each other everything and knew each other's deepest darkest secrets, all the time being just friends and nothing more. As time marched on, she finally was placed on the transplant list last April, she was so excited about this development because it meant that she may finally be able to conquer this disease once and for all. Months went by with no change in her status but she was becoming sicker and sicker. She was admitted to the hospital in December 2011 where she was told she would stay until a heart became available for her. There were a couple of close calls, but no hearts were coming to match hers, meanwhile, she continued to get sicker. She was the strongest and most inspirational person that I have ever met in my life. She never was willing to give up and she continued to stay positive, you see, she had a 12 year old daughter that was her life and she needed to get better for her. I was going to the hospital 3-4 times a week which was an hour away and I would spend countless hours there visiting, talking, laughing, crying, and praying. Finally, her condition worsened and she had to have a major surgery to place a mechanical pump in her to assist her heart. This surgery took alot out of her and she almost didn't make it through that. From that point forward, I was going to the hospital every single day and I would post updates on a blog site that we had set up so that people could be updated as to her condition. Time went on and she began to improve, and in the meantime, our relationship began to take a different direction. We became closer than ever, and finally she started to introduce me to people as her boyfriend, which made me quite happy, since I had been teling her for a long time that I was falling in love with her, but she just never wanted to go in that direction. I continued to visit her every day and take care of her in the hospital and one day while I was rubbing her legs, she asked me if I wanted to get married. I was floored. I told her that I would love to and we would get married when she came home and recovered from her transplant. She started to have some complications shortly thereafter with bleeding issues. She was still very sick but continued to fight for weeks more. Finally, one day, when presented with the fact that she was bleeding again and they were going to have to go in and fix this again, she decided that enough was enough. There would be no more operations, no more poking and prodding, no more pain and suffering. We had a meeting with the doctors and nurses and she told them of her choice to stop all treatment on a set day. They told her that she was so sick that her chance of a transplant was minimal at best. This cemented her decision, and the process was put into motion. We spent the rest of the night talking and crying and planning for her arrangements. It was then that she told me that she had always said that she would not fall in love with me, but that I stole her heart and she was sorry that it had taken her so long to see it. Even her doctor said that she had finally met the love of her life, to which she said yes I did but it's too late. The next day was spent with me bringing her daughter to see her so that she could speak to her, and then the following day was with her parents. We all gathered on that day and spent our last hours talking from our hearts and saying all that needed to be said until there was no more to say and she asked us if we were ready to do this. To me she was the most courageous person ever and I am so glad that she got to do this on her terms. That was possibly the hardest day of my life and i just could not stop crying and I held her hand until she was gone, while her mother held her other hand. I am not able to get her out of my head and I miss her so much. We were finally going to have our forever after and live the rest of our lives together. I know she isn't suffering anymore, and there is no more pain, only in my heart. She was the best thing that had happened to me and I am not sure how I am going to go forward without her. Everything I do, see or hear reminds me of her and I just can't seem to get away from that. Thanks for listening. I know this is long, but it was the only way for me to get this off my chest. I could talk about her all day long, and when I get the chance to talk about her, I usually feel better.

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FireX4,

Then by all means, if you want to talk about her all day long, do it. We will listen. I didn't think your post was all that long. In fact, it was lovely and loving and heartfelt.

I know you miss her. She sounds wonderful. Feel free to tell us all about her, and we even have a gallery for you to post her picture.

There are many here who have lost their true love. They will be able to offer you support and encouragement. Feel free, if you are up to it, to respond to others' posts. They will listen. How is her daughter? How are you filling your days right now? Are you taking care of yourself?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something more original to say than "hang in there" but it's meant in the best possible way. Times like this are truly day at a time kind of days........allow that this is going to take lots of time to deal with. Best to you

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Thank you. I try to hang in there but there is always something that triggers me to break down. She was just so perfect in so many ways. She was a great mother, beautiful, caring, generous, bright, witty, a great cook, creative, fun, loving, selfless, etc. I am running out of adjectives to describe this woman. She was sick for 25 years, and passed away at 43. During those years, she was ALWAYS doing something for someone else or looking for a way to help someone who needed it. I have never been so inspired by someone in my life. Before I met her I drank alot, smoked, ate horribly and was pretty large. This woman inspired me to quit smoking, curtail my drinking, I lost 50 lbs. and became an overall better person, all because of her. Now, the key will be to try and continue to go down the right path and not resort back to my old ways. Her daughter is beginning to have a difficult time with this, but I talk to her every day and I promised her that I would help her to get through this, but it is awfully tough on a 12 year old. I am going to miss all of the good times we had working in the garden and me cutting the lawn and seeing her come out with something cold to drink and sitting on the porch cooling off and just chatting. I'll miss all the time spent in the kitchen cooking, she loved to cook, and our times at the beach. I'll miss sitting on her bed and watching television and talking and laughing. I'll miss when we knew what each other was thinking and we would finish off each others sentence, or we would say the same thing at the same time, we were in each other's head. Mostly though I will miss the times when we would be together and say nothing and feel comfortable with that. I will miss staring into her beautiful eyes. I guess I miss everything about her. I will love her forever, I will never forget her, and no one will ever replace her. She told me that we will be together again, and I believe that, she always kept her word.

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Thank you. I try to hang in there but there is always something that triggers me to break down. She was just so perfect in so many ways. She was a great mother, beautiful, caring, generous, bright, witty, a great cook, creative, fun, loving, selfless, etc. I am running out of adjectives to describe this woman. She was sick for 25 years, and passed away at 43. During those years, she was ALWAYS doing something for someone else or looking for a way to help someone who needed it. I have never been so inspired by someone in my life. Before I met her I drank alot, smoked, ate horribly and was pretty large. This woman inspired me to quit smoking, curtail my drinking, I lost 50 lbs. and became an overall better person, all because of her. Now, the key will be to try and continue to go down the right path and not resort back to my old ways. Her daughter is beginning to have a difficult time with this, but I talk to her every day and I promised her that I would help her to get through this, but it is awfully tough on a 12 year old. I am going to miss all of the good times we had working in the garden and me cutting the lawn and seeing her come out with something cold to drink and sitting on the porch cooling off and just chatting. I'll miss all the time spent in the kitchen cooking, she loved to cook, and our times at the beach. I'll miss sitting on her bed and watching television and talking and laughing. I'll miss when we knew what each other was thinking and we would finish off each others sentence, or we would say the same thing at the same time, we were in each other's head. Mostly though I will miss the times when we would be together and say nothing and feel comfortable with that. I will miss staring into her beautiful eyes. I guess I miss everything about her. I will love her forever, I will never forget her, and no one will ever replace her. She told me that we will be together again, and I believe that, she always kept her word.

I hope this doesn't somehow come out wrong but wow, so much of what you said applies to me as well and I thank you for saying it. Looks like despite our horrible misfortune now, we were in some ways luckier than many because we had such amazing women in our lives that some never do. I hope maybe trying to focus on that can help you in some way at some point.

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Today was quite a depressing day, as it was Mothers Day as well as it has been one month since the passing of my soulmate. I spent quite a bit of time at the cemetery this weekend placing daisies, her favorite, and just visiting and having a chat. This afternoon while I was visiting, I heard a noise and looked back to see her daughter and mother walking over. This was unplanned but ended up being a nice visit. When I got home, for some reason I had this wave of emotion come over me and I just couldnt stop crying. This just isn't getting any easier and I just can't figure out how to make this pain subside. I know it will never go away, but when will it ever ease? I really need to find something constructive to do on the weekends. To me, downtime is bad. I spend all of my time thinking about her and it just makes for a long weekend. Thankfully, tomorrow is Monday and I will be back to work during the day and I will be able to work a couple of shifts at my part time job at night. Every night when I go to bed, I take he time to talk to her and I forever look for signs that she is here watching over me and helping to guide me. I can't wait to see her again.

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Today was quite a depressing day, as it was Mothers Day as well as it has been one month since the passing of my soulmate. I spent quite a bit of time at the cemetery this weekend placing daisies, her favorite, and just visiting and having a chat. This afternoon while I was visiting, I heard a noise and looked back to see her daughter and mother walking over. This was unplanned but ended up being a nice visit. When I got home, for some reason I had this wave of emotion come over me and I just couldnt stop crying. This just isn't getting any easier and I just can't figure out how to make this pain subside. I know it will never go away, but when will it ever ease? I really need to find something constructive to do on the weekends. To me, downtime is bad. I spend all of my time thinking about her and it just makes for a long weekend. Thankfully, tomorrow is Monday and I will be back to work during the day and I will be able to work a couple of shifts at my part time job at night. Every night when I go to bed, I take he time to talk to her and I forever look for signs that she is here watching over me and helping to guide me. I can't wait to see her again.

fire, give yourself time, it will take lots. There is no short or pat answer as to when since it varies for everyone, but certainly well more than a month. Yes, I agree keeping busy is very good, helps a lot. Nighttime to me is hardest.....again try to keep busy, lean on family/friends if you are able. Best to you!

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It does stink but it's normal to feel lost like that for however long it takes.

After I lost a partner who I considered a "soulmate" type partner I felt so lost, heartbroken and in shock for a long time. That coupled with major depression was full-on for the first year. The second year I turned to an oxycodone addiction for relief so it was a daily rollercoaster ride of heavy depression/heartache then extreme euphoria.

Year 3 I was fired and evicted when I finally spent all my savings. Even then, living with relatives, I was still struggling like crazy. Being in other relationships helped but not entirely.

It just took lots of time, after 5 years I'm still sad but it's manageable. It doesn't have to take that long, I think I prolonged the suffering by not forcing myself to stop dwelling on it after the first 6 months or year.

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Almost one month ago, I lost my girlfriend, best friend, and soulmate to heart disease while she was in the hospital waiting for a heart transplant. We had known each other for many years, but just about a year and a half ago, we had started to spend alot of time together and became quite close. You see, I was going through a divorce and she was already divorced, so she was a type of support for me. We spent almost every day together and became almost inseperable, we told each other everything and knew each other's deepest darkest secrets, all the time being just friends and nothing more. As time marched on, she finally was placed on the transplant list last April, she was so excited about this development because it meant that she may finally be able to conquer this disease once and for all. Months went by with no change in her status but she was becoming sicker and sicker. She was admitted to the hospital in December 2011 where she was told she would stay until a heart became available for her. There were a couple of close calls, but no hearts were coming to match hers, meanwhile, she continued to get sicker. She was the strongest and most inspirational person that I have ever met in my life. She never was willing to give up and she continued to stay positive, you see, she had a 12 year old daughter that was her life and she needed to get better for her. I was going to the hospital 3-4 times a week which was an hour away and I would spend countless hours there visiting, talking, laughing, crying, and praying. Finally, her condition worsened and she had to have a major surgery to place a mechanical pump in her to assist her heart. This surgery took alot out of her and she almost didn't make it through that. From that point forward, I was going to the hospital every single day and I would post updates on a blog site that we had set up so that people could be updated as to her condition. Time went on and she began to improve, and in the meantime, our relationship began to take a different direction. We became closer than ever, and finally she started to introduce me to people as her boyfriend, which made me quite happy, since I had been teling her for a long time that I was falling in love with her, but she just never wanted to go in that direction. I continued to visit her every day and take care of her in the hospital and one day while I was rubbing her legs, she asked me if I wanted to get married. I was floored. I told her that I would love to and we would get married when she came home and recovered from her transplant. She started to have some complications shortly thereafter with bleeding issues. She was still very sick but continued to fight for weeks more. Finally, one day, when presented with the fact that she was bleeding again and they were going to have to go in and fix this again, she decided that enough was enough. There would be no more operations, no more poking and prodding, no more pain and suffering. We had a meeting with the doctors and nurses and she told them of her choice to stop all treatment on a set day. They told her that she was so sick that her chance of a transplant was minimal at best. This cemented her decision, and the process was put into motion. We spent the rest of the night talking and crying and planning for her arrangements. It was then that she told me that she had always said that she would not fall in love with me, but that I stole her heart and she was sorry that it had taken her so long to see it. Even her doctor said that she had finally met the love of her life, to which she said yes I did but it's too late. The next day was spent with me bringing her daughter to see her so that she could speak to her, and then the following day was with her parents. We all gathered on that day and spent our last hours talking from our hearts and saying all that needed to be said until there was no more to say and she asked us if we were ready to do this. To me she was the most courageous person ever and I am so glad that she got to do this on her terms. That was possibly the hardest day of my life and i just could not stop crying and I held her hand until she was gone, while her mother held her other hand. I am not able to get her out of my head and I miss her so much. We were finally going to have our forever after and live the rest of our lives together. I know she isn't suffering anymore, and there is no more pain, only in my heart. She was the best thing that had happened to me and I am not sure how I am going to go forward without her. Everything I do, see or hear reminds me of her and I just can't seem to get away from that. Thanks for listening. I know this is long, but it was the only way for me to get this off my chest. I could talk about her all day long, and when I get the chance to talk about her, I usually feel better.

I am so sorry for your pain.I know it all so well,just over three weeks ago i suddenly and tragically lost my soul mate,best friend and Mother of our 3 yr old son.The grief has been as a tall dark wave,crashing in,swallowing me under,my heart aches as never before and i cry daily.She was my one ,my only and i can barely breathe at times without her.I was in shock for three weeks and just came out about 8 days ago,it was pure hell,i shook,and had to go to the Hospital as i had not ate in 5 days or slept.The meds seem to only help take the edge off and allow me to get some rest.We all out here share the same thing,we all have shook deaths hand,been greeted up close and personal and it changes you forever...

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You are right in so many ways. I can't go through a day or night without being consumed with thoughts of all of the good times that we had and all of the plans that we had. Every day, clear out of the blue, I will be over run with emotion and just cry. Her daughter just called me a little while ago and we had a great talk and I probably will get to spend some time with her this weekend. I just never have experienced a loss of this magnitude before. I have had people die before but not someone who was so close to me and meant so much to me. She was just so amazing and had such an impact on my life. I know I have already stated this but it deserves to be repeated. I would never be the person that I am today had it not been for her. I just love to talk about her, it makes me smile. So many days, I just want to stand here on the deck and scream, I just can't imagine having to go forward without her after all the things we had planned. Unfortunately, I have given up on planning things too far into the future since I have found out first hand that when these things don't happen, it just hurts sooooooooo badly. I just don't know how to go forward at this point, I am thinking about getting some professional help so that I can vent my sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration. As as been stated, nobody understands the pain and sorrow and feelings of emptiness unless you have been involved in a relationship such as this and lost that person. This person was your friend and soulmate, the person that you trusted with your deepest secrets, the person you trusted with your life, the person who you would sit and talk for hours, laugh for hours, cry for hours, and pray for hours. This is the person that you said good night and I love you to every night, the person you argued with but made sure that you didn't go to bed angry with. This is the person whose feet you would massage when you hated feet but you would do it because it made her feel good and that's how much you loved her. This is the person that you would stand in front of a bullet for because they deserved to live forever, and this is the most wonderful woman in the world, the one, the woman who was waiting for a heart transplant and you would give up your heart if it matched, and sacrifice your own life so that she could live on. This world is a better place for having her in it for 43 years, but now will suffer because she is gone, and the people who loved her the most will suffer too. Thanks for listening, I have so much to say all the time but I don't always have someone to say it to.

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firex,

I would absolutely look for a good therapist to talk to. Don't see it as getting "professional help", but as having someone to talk to about everything you're feeling and going through. You need that, we all do. It's so hard to go through this alone – impossible, really. You need someone to talk to about it, as you said, to vent your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration. That alone can help so much.

I would find someone who specializes in grief counseling. As with anyone, a therapist who has no experience with this really can't understand what you're going through. And I think it must be the hardest thing to help others with, so it's truly a calling, that requires compassion and understanding. And you have to feel comfortable enough to open up, so after one or 2 sessions, ask yourself how you feel talking to them. If it doesn't feel good to you, find someone else.

When I started going through this, I thought of seeing a therapist, but I never felt like it helped me in the past, so I wasn't going to. Then I realized that I just needed someone to talk to, I couldn't do this alone. And that's one thing I've had to learn, to reach out for help when I need it. I could never have gone through this without knowing I had someone to talk to regularly.

Craig

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I know that I haven't posted in a bit but things have been a little crazy. I just moved into my own apartment with Karen's dog and that has been trying at best. The poor dog is having difficulty getting used to her new surroundings...even pets grieve I guess. I have an appointment to see a therapist next week to try and sort out some of my feelings and to just vent and tell someone all of my thoughts and feelings. I can't believe that I am coming up on the two month anniversary and it feels just like it happened yesterday. I am still consumed with thoughts of her day and night and sometimes don't know what to do with myself. I still go to her grave almost every day and talk to her. I had a conversation about my relationship with Karen with a friend of mine the other day, and I explained the whole thing to him and told him things that nobody, except for a certain few people, know and I just started to cry. I just can't seem to talk about her without breaking down, which sucks because I LOVE to talk about her. I could talk about her for hours and hours. It's funny how you can feel about someone even as you get older. I never thought that I would feel this way about anyone ever again, you know the butterflies when you saw them. Even when she was in the hospital, I was anxious to see her every day, and to see her big smile when I would walk into her room was enough to make me melt. This woman had a way about her that would just make you feel good even when things weren't going so great. She knew so many people and had so many friends, but most of them never saw that side of her so if I talk to them about it, they just kinda look at me sideways like I'm speaking another language. It's hard for me to explain, I guess you could call it an intangible. I just consider myself fortunate to have experienced her "other" side and had the opportunity to be able to at least make plans for the future, even though those plans never had the chance to come to fruition. As someone posted, I need to try and consider myself fortunate for having such a great and amazing woman in my life. Like I have said before, she changed my life and I will forever be indebted to her...I never knew that one person could have such a profound effect on someone.

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I would find someone who specializes in grief counseling. As with anyone, a therapist who has no experience with this really can't understand what you're going through. And I think it must be the hardest thing to help others with, so it's truly a calling, that requires compassion and understanding. And you have to feel comfortable enough to open up, so after one or 2 sessions, ask yourself how you feel talking to them. If it doesn't feel good to you, find someone else.

ding ding we have a winner. Beat me to it and summed it better than I would have. This can't be said enough. Pls do not go to some garden variety therapist or psychologist. That would be like going to your family doctor for a rare disease. You need a "specialist" in this area. Ideally and ultimately, someone who has been there. My counselor has and it is huge IMO. Many things I don't have to really explain much or worry if she "gets it" because I know she does. The place I'm going to mandates this for all their counselors in fact and I LOVE that idea, it's borderline brilliant. That said, it is not mandatory of course...just getting someone "good" who is a good listener and above all truly can sympathize is what's needed.

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It does stink but it's normal to feel lost like that for however long it takes.

After I lost a partner who I considered a "soulmate" type partner I felt so lost, heartbroken and in shock for a long time. That coupled with major depression was full-on for the first year. The second year I turned to an oxycodone addiction for relief so it was a daily rollercoaster ride of heavy depression/heartache then extreme euphoria.

I am so sorry for your loss. Though I would like to point out that oxy's are not considered addicting (at least not physically) or generally known to cause extreme highs/lows. In fact I used some of what my beloved had left on her prescription when she first passed and it just "took the edge off" for the most part - did it very well though. Frankly I wish I could have gotten a prescription for them, surprised you were able to. Anyway I'm glad you're at last on the upswing and hope that continues!

I am so sorry for your pain.I know it all so well,just over three weeks ago i suddenly and tragically lost my soul mate,best friend and Mother of our 3 yr old son.The grief has been as a tall dark wave,crashing in,swallowing me under,my heart aches as never before and i cry daily.She was my one ,my only and i can barely breathe at times without her.I was in shock for three weeks and just came out about 8 days ago,it was pure hell,i shook,and had to go to the Hospital as i had not ate in 5 days or slept.The meds seem to only help take the edge off and allow me to get some rest.We all out here share the same thing,we all have shook deaths hand,been greeted up close and personal and it changes you forever...

I'm very sorry for yours as well. I will say I think you may be doing much better ie more quickly with this than you realize; I was in shock much longer and it took a lot longer before I could discuss my feelings with anyone as you are here; hell I didn't even know what those feelings WERE exactly, except extreme pain and sadness and guilt.

Reading your post and joel's reminded me just how different people can be - not saying any is better or worse of course, but only to emphasize how it's different for everyone. The point being none of us should try to compare ourselves to others or think there is some "norm" here. You have to give yourself as much time as you need to and try to work through it however you can - counseling, hopefully having family and/or friends to lean on, keeping busy, perhaps a change of scenery (either temp or perm), perhaps even meds if necessary, etc.

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