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I've lost two people.


lacrimosa

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lacrimosa

I lost my grandfather when I was nine years old. In July, 2002. And I still, to this day cannot handle this loss properly. Every year, in July, and especially on the fifth, the day he died, I cannot handle things. The fifth is the worst I can't function properly, I stay in bed and cry. Last year I had to be strong, because I was helping some family friends, but even with that, I could barely handle myself. And the second I was able to break down I did and it lasted about a week. He was my dad. My dad left me when I was younger, and I just... I miss my Pop. He was true dad. My biological dad walked out on us, but my grandparents were always in my life, and my Pop was always there for me. I miss him dearly. I feel like I don't grieve correctly. I can't let go of things. Recently, on March 22nd, my friend Miko died. I had never met her in real life. We'd met online, and become friends. We'd been friends for 6 years and planning on meeting up this summer when she was on summer break from College. She'd been my best friend. She'd helped me deal with the sexual abuse I'd endured in my life, and I'd helped her deal with her parent's divorce, her own medical problems and the mental ramifications of that. She'd been having strokes for months, maybe even years due to her medical problem. And since she was in college and had always had headaches due her medical problems, the signs went unnoticed, and about two weeks before she died she had a big one that triggered seizure activity... She laid down for a nap, and never woke back up. I recently found religion, I'm an SGI Buddhist, and I have found solace in that. Miko also practiced and I find it beautiful and wonderful. I just can't behave like I do with my grandfather with her. I need to get over both deaths. And my birthday will be the two month anniversary of her death. And her birthday, her would've been 20th, will be a few days before my birthday. Her FB will update with it. I'm just scared. I need help. Anyone? ideas? Tips? Help.

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ModKonnie

Lacrimosa,

I am sorry about your losses. You have taken a good step forward by coming to talk with people about your losses. One way to process the emotions you are dealing with is to talk about them or write about them.

Have you tried a grief and loss group or a professional grief therapist? You may find valuable tips after attending a session.

It is normal to feel emotional upheaval during an anniversary, but it sounds as though you are having some extra tough periods. Why do you think you didn't process the loss of your grandfather properly? Do you feel angry? Lost? or something else? Can you describe it?

Also, the loss of your friend has probably triggered all the old feelings. Do you think writing a tribute or a letter to your friend or grandfather or both would help? Sometimes, saying what you always wanted to say in a letter is a great way to begin the healing process.

Regardless, we will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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lacrimosa

I suck at writing out my feelings and stuff. It never comes out right and it only makes me more upset. I've tried writing several letters to Miko and to my Pop, but I get mad at the fact I can't actually talk to them and stop. I think I'm mostly just angry at the fact that I don't have them anymore.

Really, I should be happy for both of them. Both of their bodies were holding them back, I'm sure they were reborn in better circumstances, but still...

I'm just difficult to deal with and I suck at handling my emotions. =/ Sorry.

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ModKonnie

Hey,

That's okay. I think you are doing pretty good at talking about your emotions. So, how do you feel today? Okay? Normal? Angry? Tired? Lonely?

ModKonnie

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lacrimosa

Pretty tired, and lonely. But that's because my fiancee and roommate are gone roughly 12 hours a day. I'm unemployed due to a foot injury, so I'm home alone all day anyway.

I feel pretty content, actually. Been chanting and studying my Gosho a lot lately. It makes me feel closer to Miko, since she also studied this kind of Buddhism, and it just makes me very peaceful.

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ModKonnie

What kind of foot injury? Are you able to get up and move around? Does music help at all? What about a television in the background while you go about your daily business?

ModKonnie

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lacrimosa

It's not too bad, I'm capable of walking and keeping up the house. I usually have music playing all day to keep my mind busy. Lately it's been Florence + The Machine, but I'm about to start back up with The Decemberists because they're more intense and harder for my brain to warner around while I listen to them.

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i feel the same way.

lost my grandmother when i was 8 and she was like my mom,

and then i lost my uncle when i was 18 and it reopened all the wounds that weren't ever fully healed...

they died in the same month too, so it's especially painful.

i love florence and the machine, one of her songs actually reminds me of my grandmother and makes me feel at peace with her passing. the song is called "if only for a night". it only helps for a minute or two but it's better than nothing.

ironically, after i first related it to my grandmother i found out it was about florence losing her own grandmother.

we are NOT alone.

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That's amazing. I relate 'If Only For a Night' to my friend Miko quite a bit. It reminds me very much of her, and I love that it was something soc lsoe to Flo. I mean, that was very bold of her to put herself up like that.

Thank you for your support, and I am so sorry for your losses.

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