Loss of a Mother

[mofirefly]

Nurseshawty - How very sorry I am for what you have been thru. I lost my mom in a car "accident" Sept 05 so for me it's been 18 mos compared to your 6 mos. I didn't go to the site of the accident...but I have video and pics...I can't imagine what actually being there would be like. All I can say is that for the first year I really think I was in a deep fog like state that I didn't start to function anywhere near like I was before the accident until a few months ago. It's a rotten way to lose someone...but then again there is no good way to lose a loved one. I hope you and your brother are giving each other support, but try to remember that this effects each person differently. If you have had to deal with car insurance agents yet and would like some advice, please let me know. Meanwhile, just try to breathe deeply - and try to believe it does become more bearable. Take Care!

[mofirefly]

Janiceadean - I think it would be benificial to you to direct you anger toward investigating the factory possible link to cancer. Anger can eat a person up, so I hope chaneling it in that direction will cause you less pain. Take Care.

[janiceaden]

Hello Mofirefly,

Today I am feeling really 'settled' if there such a term. I suppose being pregnant, chasing after 2 small kids and living at the 'in laws' can have a toll on a person's psyche. I'm just looking forward to moving into our new house and making it a home. Our old house was built post-war and in a wonderful street with wonderful neighbours. We're moving into a younger area where most of the children are younger then 10. I feel a little angry at times because I feel like I am running the show on my own. When my mother in law does come to town she's busy with her daughter babysitting her children et cetera .. I suppose I miss my mums words of wisdom to appreciate what I have and have a little patience... Easter, Mum's b'day and Mothers day are all coming up and I am feeling very vulnerable right now... Anyhow mum visited me yesterday b/c music was playing in my daughters room which needs winding up. This has happened once before also just after she passed, never before... I just reassure myself she knows my pain and she is waiting for me with open arms. Just wish there was a plane to Heaven.... MY THOUGHTS WITH THOSE MOURNING FOR THEIR MOTHERS, IT'S A DAMN HARD ROAD!!

[jazzikay]

i went to my moms house today. ahh so many memories. every little thing. even the chair outside. its sad because i dont want those memories to go away

[asheepoo21]

**here is something that I posted earlier today that you guys may not have seen.. so here it is again!

I can share with you guys a little that I am learning through my death and dying chapter in my psychology class that might help you.

The grieving process goes like this (in no special order though)

-denial

-numbness

-pining (hurting)

-dejection

-recovery

things that you can do to help yourself make the process easier on you are things such as..

-be VERY patient with yourself

-take care of yourself physically (eat healthy and get exercise)

-limit time with negative people. you need people who you can relate to and people who will talk positive around you

-cry.. its theraputic, and so is laughter. BOTH ARE NORMAL

-give yourself permission to grieve and give that same gift to your family.

-prepare yourself for the reoccurrence of intense grief feelings months or even years later.

**but the best thing your can do about grief is GRIEVE! its the price we pay for loving!

i hope some of this can help you all

[asheepoo21]

Nurseshawty-

I am very sorry for your loss. I have also lost my mother, but not in a car accident as you did yours. I am young just as you are, but even younger.. I'm 17 & i have lost my mom and my dad & many other close family members. Life for me has been pretty rough as you can imagine, and so has yours. The loss of a mother is very difficult especially for people like us who were very close to our moms.. my mom was my best friend, and the one person I could count on for everthing. I lost my mom to kindey and heart failure at the age of 14. I am still grieving, as you know it is a very long process that just takes time. I am looking into seeing a counselor because I finally feel the need to have someone to talk to. When I first lost her my aunt put me into counseling, but i got myself out of it just as quick as she put me in because I just wanst ready to accept the fact that my mommy was really gone, ya know?

When really that was the time that I needed someone to talk to because I was VERY depressed, to the point that I had many thoughts of suicide, close enough to where I even would get what I needed to put myself out of pain but I just couldnt do it.

i dont want to tell you all of this to scare you and make you think that there are bad things ahead, but i just want you to know that what are you going through is going to take time to get through. And you will never fully be "back to normal" because a piece of you is gone and you will not get that back until your time comes, so you need to be patient and let things fall into place as they will.

Continue to visit the site, i promise, it really is a lifesaver to have these amazing people on here how know exactly what you are going through and to vent to.

Take care hun.

ashley

[janiceaden]

Ashley your loss is so larger then life and yet you make me feel so comforted with your wisdom and integrity... They say everything happens for a reason and I recall your apprehension about studying the Death and Dying chapter in Psychology classes, Isn't it amazing how with the knowledge you have now how empowered you are and will continue to be. A key essential aspect I believe for those in mourning is to learn more about the stages of grief. Understand it's a universal response and learn to move from one stage to another in no particular order but at your own pace, at your own time.. I recommend anything by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Funnily enough I studied the above whilst completing my Psychology degree, little did I know then that it would be my Saviour now..... This journey in life is such a painful and hurtful one, but lets also remember the beauty that surrounds us... My hope is for you to become the most outstanding person you are. You have been blown a severe trauma(s) and for you I wish you Heaven.............

Jazzikay, I hope you found some solace in visiting your mum's home. I know it's difficult as I avoid going nowadays. The empty chairs, the empty bed, the empty kitchen and its familiar smells are enough to make you spiral into a deep depression, but it's days like today when you can sit in that chair, lye on that bed or smell the once familiar aroma's of yesteryear that you realise that life does continue and life doesn't stop, we must keep moving, it can only get better from here ? I hope.

[asheepoo21]

janiceaden-

I'm glad to hear that I can make someone feel good, and it's even better when it's an adult, because i really do like to help people. I really did think that the death and dying chapter was going to be tough on me, and it has, but not as much as I was telling myself. I have been able to stay in every class and share stories.. its amazing. im actually really proud of myself. you mentioned elizabeth kubler-ross, and we just got done taking a test on her acutally, so thats pretty cool.

Thanks so much for reading.

Jasmine-

Going back to your mom's house... I can remember that day for me. It was good/bad/and everything inbetween. When I walked in, I can remember staning in the front door and just putting my head in my hands and crying my eyes out and my knees getting weak as i feel to the floor. I remember finally regaining my composition and walking through the house, it still smelled the same and that made me really happy. There were 3 places in the house that I didn't go and that was the bathroom(where mom died) and the downstairs bedroom(where my uncle died). Now days i wish i would have just looked in there because now i regret it for some unknown reason.

Now that it has been 3 years since i have been out of my house, I ride past there often when i am in that end of town and when i'm by myself. I'll park across the street and just stare at the house and remember everything that went on in there.. good and bad. The first time that I road past there, I saw the new family living there and it made me really angry, I cried, I was so mad that my family lived there for 25 years and now someone else lived there, it was my house.

Just take your visit for what it was worth and I encourage you to do as I did and visit it as often as you can and just think about all of your memories there, its okay for them to be bad ones, but there will be a lot of good ones too.

take care sweetie

-ashley

[lilliesson]

wow, i must say that i am surprised to see so many psychologists on this board. im also studying psychology, i will be recieving my masters degree in another year. alot of things i have learned about life while studying psychology has really helped me get through this process, and remain strong mentally and physically. my mom also loved psychology, thats why im going to continue on and hopefully get my doctorate degree so i can put a big smile on my mothers face in heaven. ashley, u are really an inspiration to me and all of us on this board, u have so much knowledge and wisdom to be so young. im 31 and im still trying to get there lol i hope everyone is having a wonderful sunday out there, as for me im kinda sad becasue my mom passed away 5 weeks ago today. i just got finished lying in her bed and looking at her pictures and crying my eyes out. i hope today gets better than this....

[asheepoo21]

TO ALL OF YOU REGULARS ON HERE, I HAVE SENT YOU AN E-MAIL ALONG WITH A PICTURE!!

[asheepoo21]

**HERE ARE THE LYRICS TO AN AMAZING SONG THAT SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, IF YOU DON'T ALREDY KNOW THIS SONG, I THINK IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL FOR ALL OF YOU TO HEAR.

SOMEBODY'S HERO

BY. JAMIE O'NEAL

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building

She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name

She's never hit a shot to win the game

She's never left her footprints on the moon

She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,

No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)

She's somebody's hero

A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee

A little kiss is all she needs

The keeper of the cheerios

The voice that brings Snow White to life

Bedtime stories every night

And that smile lets her know

She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver

But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver

For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown

Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition

But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her

But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero

A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress

She gave her wings to leave the nest

It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by

Looks back into her mother's eyes

And that smile lets her know

She's somebody's hero

Thirty years have flown right past

Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs

Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that

Oh, but she already is

She's somebody's hero

A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair

She runs a brush through her silver hair

The envy of the nursing home

She drops by every afternoon

Feeds her mama with a spoon

And that smile lets her know

Her mother's smile lets her know

She's somebody's hero

[jazzikay]

Omg the stupidest most maddening thing happened to me today. Well first of all I woke up and my eye was SWOLLEN. ugh i still look bad but anyyyyyways then i went to the nurse at school and shes like ojdsfhbkjgbrg blah blah then i went to left and just after i leave the door shes like :Did you tell you mom about it this morning?

I walked back in the room and i had the most expressionless face on. I was like I dont live with my mom. When people say that I hate to embarrass or make them feel bad especially my nurse because i like dont even know her. But i was so angry ugh man I wanted to screaaaaaaam at her. Dont the principal and stuff tell all the staff members. MAYBE THEY SHOULD. damn

[asheepoo21]

jasmine-

I can totally relate to you with your incident. This has happened to me NUMEROUS times. I can understand getting mad because for a while I did too, but I just had to realize that not everyone knows, you know? I would get angry because people just automatically assume that you live with your mom, or that your mom is still alive, and I can understand that, but if I were you, because this is what I do, just say "my mom is deceased, but..."

In most cases, you don't really make that person feel bad, but it just lets them know, so that they don't say it again and get you all worked up all over again.

And yes, I also agree that the principal should tell the staff what has happened, and I'm sure he or she told all of your teachers, but the school nurse was probably the last person that he or she thought to tell.

I'm sorry about what happened, but try to take it easy kido!

Ashley

[asheepoo21]

[Edmund]

i know all there is to know about the crying game-(boy george)-ed

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my mother last Thursday to cancer. She died at home and while that was what she wanted and we wanted, it was so devastating to see her struggle. She really had a strong will to live and she died only 10 days after finding out that there was nothing more the doctors could do for her cancer. She had suffered from non-hodgkins lymphoma for several years and was managing that cancer only to be diagnosed with a second cancer this past year--ovarian. I feel like a burning fire is in my body and I can't focus on anything but her. She was my best friend and the love of my life--I just cannot imagine life without her. I miss her so much already I feel like I am going crazy. How am I going to live without her? I just cannot believe the intensity of the pain. We lived together and spent most of our time together. I worked and supported our house and was her caretaker during her illness. I am not married and do not have any children--my mom and I were inseparable. I feel like most of me died with her and I just don't know how to go on.

[janiceaden]

Dearest Guest,

Your entry was very touching to me. I lost my mother to cancer in November last year and like your mother my mum did develop Ovarian cancer which was secondary. I want every women to be warned that Ovarian cancer is the deadliest cancer any female can get. In Australia one women dies every 50 mins to this horrid disease. However Guest my mother was my best friend also. She was young and vibrant until she was struck down by cancer and it took away the pleasure of living for her and for me.... My mum was 53 years old, too young to be 10 foot under!! I know how your feeling as I lost alot of my persona when my mother died. I hope you find comfort in coming here, you are not alone my friend... Cheers JB

[jillie]

Thank you for your note. I was the 'guest' but now joined. I am just so overwhelmed by my feelings of grief right now--I have no interest in anything. I need to go back to work--but I have no interest and am almost afraid to go back because it's like I've accepted my mothers death which makes it real. I keep seeing her all over the house in my minds eye. I feel the spring touching the air and rage because she will never see another spring or summer. I keep talking to her and telling her how much I love her. I told her when she was dying and every day of our lives together. Everyone keeps telling me she is in a better place but I wanted her here and she wanted to be here . She fought to the very end. She was my life and now I wonder how to have a life without her. It is the greatest pain. How do people go on?

[janiceaden]

Dear Jill,

Ohh I understand every word you say. The pain is so intense it almost makes you crazy! My mother died a few weeks before my daughters 1st b'day. She was buried on my sister's 24th b'day. Both my sister and I are expecting babies and it hurts 1000 folds that she won't be there to help me bathe my baby, change it's nappy or just dote on being a grandmother. Cancer is a hideous disease and one that eats up even the one's not diagnosed. At 28 I never thought I would be 'motherless', so much life left but no soul to pursuit life like I did..... Jill it hurts like Hell but make infant steps, there is no rush to get on with living.... Just let people know your intentions and understand your right to grieve.... BLESS YOU XX

[jazzikay]

jill, its not that hard to go on

not for me. i just keep my head up, Its not like im not sad or anything but i dont want to kill myself. I wouldnt mind dying right about now but i dont ask for it. My outtake on the whole mom dying thing is that you just have to make it through. I dont know if thats going to be easy for you. Cancer sux my grandmother died from it. my mom didnt. I wish I knew she was gonna die. *SIGH* i would have kiled to know that my mom was gonna die =[

[bp2grl]

Hi everyone! I haven't been on this site in a long time. my mom passed away on June 20, 2005. I thought i was doing ok but I have been very depressed lately. My mom was on 63. She should still be here. My older sister had a baby 3 months ago and it hurts so much that my new niece won't know my mom. She was christened on Saturday and that was such a sad day for us because we knew we wanted my mom there. I just miss her voice, smell and touch so much I feel like my heart is breaking. She was my best friend. My father passed away when I was nine, my brother was 15, my sister was 12 and my little sister was 3. My mom never dated or remarried, she just dedicated her life to us. My family was so close and now a piece of our circle is gone and we can't get it back. I don't know if we will ever be able to be the carefree, fun loving family we used to be and that scares me. Sorry to be depressing but it is hard right now.

[asheepoo21]

Jill,

Welcome to this site, I hate it that there are more and more people joining everyday because it's just another person that has to suffer the loss of their mother and i hate that! I read your last post and I have a little advice that I hope can help you. Going on is not easy and in all reality most of us in your situation, which mine and jasmines might be a little different because we are younger (im 17 and jasmine's 13) you dont so call go on because our mothers have taken a huge chunk of us with them, but we have to just let the days pass us and work to make them easier. I know that I am still stuck in the past, next month will be 3 years since my 34 year old mother passed away and I feel like it was just yesterday, i could tell you every moment that happend that night and everything. I just have to know that my mom wouldnt want me to suffer like she did, she wants me to make something of my life and wants me to know that she is going to be in my heart every step of the way. And even with that its still really hard. I will graduate high school in May and i'm looking foward to moving up, but I would really like my mommy to be there physically with me to watch me turn my tassel, get my diploma, and throw my cap up in the air with my class, but thats not going to happen, but I know that she will be in my heart and see all of that, but not be able to tell me how proud she is of me so that I will truly know that I am making her proud. You just really have to trust in these things sweetie.

you will work through this, it just takes time.. Be very patient with yourself (and that is easier said than done, but it can be done)

Stick in there!!!! We are all strong and can talk together to make us stronger.

-ashley

[cgd0402]

I haven't written in a long time, but I'm compelled to now. I lost my mother on July 20, 2006. Monday, April 2 is her birthday. When I think about it I just get sick. We make a huge deal of our birthdays in my family. My brother and I would race to make the first phone call to Mom every year. Last year in particular I sent Mom a card...primarily because I couldn't afford anything at the time. I wrote her a letter instead and expressed how thankful I was for her and what a role model she has been for me. I look back on that and think perhaps it was for a reason that money was tight during that time. She told me that I should be a writer and that what I wrote was beautiful. When I walked into her house for the first time after her death, I saw the card proudly displayed. I am so glad I wrote what I did. Little did I know it would be her last birthday with us. As many of you, I just miss her so much. Any suggestions out there on how to cope with the first birthday without them. I had my own birthday in January and it was quite difficult. I truly fear April 2 now...and it use to be a day of so much joy. Please share your thoughts....CGD

[mofirefly]

cgd0402 - All I can share is what I did for my mom's first birthday away from me. I invited friends and family over for a BBQ, played outdoor games, had a wading pool set up, etc. This is something I'd never tried to do before as my mom was the one who planned get togethers, I just helped. Well, I figured if I wanted to have people remember how great she was and how much fun she was to be around, I'd better bring them together once a year to remind them...by the way, her birthday is the traditional Memorial Day (5/30). We always used to tease her that she was born on the day people honor the dead - how those words sting now, but I do so much want to continue to honor her. Try not to let the fear of the aproching day keep you from doing anything you think of, fear is a great emotions for causing a person to do nothing. You're still in the early part of living with your loss. I also want to say that the card you gave her was fantastic! Try to remember that time more than others. Take care!

[mofirefly]

bp2girl - Your post is not depressing - you are simply puting down exactly how you are feeling and this is the best place for doing that. You are a little further down this road than me (my loss was Sept 05) and seeing that others still visit this site helps me know I'm not alone with my feelings just because it's been over a year. Your family probably can't be the same as they were since she isn't a part anymore, but your family can find a way to celebrate being carefree differently, and you most certainly will be a close family now because you need each other so much - hope my words make a little sense. Just remember to take each day, moment, one at a time. Take Care!

[lilliesson]

to jillie, every word of ur post sounds exactley like how i am feeling right now. my mom passed away 7 weeks ago and my life has not returned to normal yet. i still cry and grieve every single day. nothing in my life seems to have any purpose anymore since my mom passed away. me and my mom spent almost every waking moment of our lives together. im 31 years old and i still lived with my mom when she passed, because i never wanted to leave her side. now i am alone in theis cold world all alone for the 1st time in my life. it is very scary and also depressing. the only thing that keeps me alive is my mothers dream of me getting my masters degree and hopefully a PHD, other than that i would have died when she did. anyway i hope everybodys day is going well. see ya guys later....

[janiceaden]

Winter is fast approaching Australia and I am reminded about my mother and how much she loved to knit. Yesterday I walked past an aisle dedicated to knitting and patterns and I felt so sad that I couldn't buy anything for her to knit........ HAVE TO RUN, SCREAMING CHILDREN. AGGHHH

[solemate]

I am also Australian and have just lost my Mum and Dad 7 days ago to a car accident in NSW You can tell when a policeman comes to your door with a blank look that its very bad news. - My mum also loved to knit - she was a master crafts women whose work was well regarded in the Doll world. I wont be able to go to the doll shows with her anymore and I am so lost without her already. I feel so empty and so upset that days are just a blur. My mum was my solemate and we were together doing things on a daily basis. I miss my dad also but my mum was my best friend. I went to the markets today - cried all the way there and cried walking around and cried driving home. When do the tears stop?

[lilliesson]

solemate, my heart goes out to u during this very hard time that u are going through right now. to lose both parents at once must be very painful. i will definitley keep u in my prayers. i lost my mom 7 weeks ago and my tears have not stop flowing yet, not even for one day. the thing i realized is, that it is ok to cry and also mourn especially when losing a parent. so solemate, try to be strong, from what i hear its a very long road ahead...

[jillie]

my prayers are with you also solemate. I so understand your mom being your best friend and my heart bleeds for the suddeness of your loss. Although my mom had cancer, we thought she was doing well so the terminal diagnosis and then the fact that she mentally shut down the day after finding out was horrible. I am finding that grief can be so isolating. Everyone tries but no one truly understands what your mom and best friend can mean to you. It has only been a week since losing my mom. I miss her so intensely it is a pain like nothing I have ever known. I feel immobilized. I have a very responsible job as a senior executive of a large corporation but I know I just cannot go back to work yet. I feel like a little girl who's heart is broken in a thousand pieces. I am mad at God and then I feel guilty for that. Everyone keeps saying my mom is in a better place--but this was a good place for her. She loved life and was a glorious full of joy human being. So that does not comfort me. We had a wonderful life together and she was very happy. She didn't need to go anywhere.

God bless you in your grief and god bless us all who are suffering this unbearable pain.

[solemate]

Thank you Lilliesson for your kind thoughts - I am so sorry for your loss - 7 days seems like 7 weeks to me - 7 weeks to you must seem like a lifetime. Im to raw at the moment to be strong, I have run out of hankies and now live off tissues. My once clean and tidy home is a florist shop full of lovely flowers and many cards. I seem to be just surviving each day - yet to go to their home to clean out their fridge,clothes etc. How do you cope with entering a home that is frozen in time?

[solemate]

Jillie, thank you so much for your prayers and comments - I am so sorry for your loss - I feel a little like you - my heart is broken and will never be mended. You must have been devestated to watch your mother go through this terrible disease. Only 2 years earlier I watched my sister's son pass away to cancer (brain tumor) He was only 22 years old. He accepted his journey and was grateful that he had 22 years of a good life. He was a special person and my Mother was very proud of him during his journey to death. Grief is isolating and I am not close to my sister so I feel even more isolated. I also have a very responsible job - case manager to highly disadvantaged job seekers. Within my role I counsel many people who have a range of issues - I also cant go back yet - I am now on the other side of the desk I amy my Mum's younger daughter and we are so alike, both our personalities and physically. I am also mad - Mum was not a religious person but I find myself asking why did this happen I can understand your hurt about being told she is in a better place. - People tell me it was for a reason - what reason? I cant think of what I have to do each day let alone what reason would satisfy my hurt and give me some peace. My Mum didnt have to go also - she was happy and also full of life I was told do what I need to do to learn to live with this - I have been working on scrap booking my parents life as children, and their teenage years through to exchanging love letters during the Korean War. I was able to show them this at christmas and have continued to do this craft - I will find that this craft has a healing power all of its own - gathering their photos and writing a journal has been very rewarding - I am so glad I took the effort and time to do this for them.

Thank you for your blessing

[libra1]

Dear Solemate: Just read your post, and could not help but cry. i haven't cried for my mom in a while, but after reading your post I became very emotional. To lose one parent is enough to bear...both I can't imagine. My prayers go out to you sincerely during this difficult time. Life is very cruel. One minute it's all good..next it crumbles to an unbearable low. It goes to show how vunerable we all are. We are loved by our parents unconditionally, but this love can be ripped from our hearts so very easily. Embrace the supprt of your family. My mom passed almost a year ago , and it is the love and support of my husband, and two teenage kids that pulled me through. Life will go on in a strange way...but of course, will never be the same. I am going to the temple ,and my first prayer goes to you. Keep in touch with us...

[janiceaden]

My Heart felt sympathy to Soulmate firstly. Your story your very gut wrenching, the more I read the more I felt engulfed in sorrow for you. It's true that when a mother dies she takes with her a child's Heart. I spent the weekend at my dad's house with my children. I hated being there b/c I knew my mum was never going to be there ever again! Well today I am feeling very very sick and I have no one to help me as my children are driving me nuts, it's days like today I hate God for taing my mum away from me, Didn't he realise I need her more now then I ever did !!!!!!!!!!

[Guest Guest]

Everything I am reading is so familiar. I lost my Mom unexpectedly on December 14. It was the worst day of my life. I find myself crying a lot. I took care of her for 6 years as she was crippled in a wheelchair. I was exhaused but I would give anything to have that time with her back

[asheepoo21]

solemate-

im very sorry for your two losses. I am 17 years old and i have also lost both of my parents, but not together, they died 2 months apart. I know it's so hard but you can get through this. the tears are the hardest part, but crying is okay. believe me I cry ALLL the time! stick in there!!!

ashley

[asheepoo21]

So today was the 10 year anniversary since my 7 year old self found my grandmother dead. It wasnt a horrible day but i did think about it a lot. I miss my mamaw A LOT!! and it doesnt help that my moms 3 years is coming up on the 18th. Im dreding that day sooo much. I really would like to just sleep through the whole thing, but I know i am going to have to face it one way or another and it is going to be so hard. I know how hard the past two years have been and the years just keep adding up. I am starting to make my graduation, prom, and college plans and i just feel so lost with my mommy there. A girl needs her mom through all of that because it is so hard already and it makes it so much worse when i have to have the death of my 33 year old mother on top of it all.

ive just been so depressed this past week and i hate it, its just not my scene. Im a really happy person and i hate being like this. ughhh i need a way out, but its not happening.

-the frustrated 17 year old graduating senior who hates life right now!

[nurseshawty]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am a nurse so I deal with death on a regular basis. It is not the death of my mother that bothers me...it is the fact that I was robbed of the opportunity to say good bye. Holding her hand while she was draped in heavy blankets on a gurney at the funeral home is not exactly the good bye you picture. One thing that my mom taught me was that there were worse things than death. Like my dad says my mom could have broke her neck and became a vegetable and I would have to go to work and take care of her every day. That to me would be worse than loosing her. Another thing my dad says is that dying is one job that we all have to do...but no one wants to do it. Mofirefly as for the car insurance thing. That was one of the easiest things to deal with. We are now fighting two life insurance companies who are threatening to refuse to pay since there wasn't a toxicology report taken. My mom was on her way home from work. The coroner knew that since he worked with her and there was no evidence of drinking and driving...thank god for our lawyer. Anyway, just thought I'd write and say thanks! Thank god the weather is getting nice so I can be outside and get some sun to help fight this lovely thing called depression...I gotta kick it's @$$! Have a great week!

[Guest Guest]

Greetings all. First off I would like to state that today would be my mother's birthday. I am currently a 21 year old male college student and I lost my mother when I was 16. To say the least, my mother died in a extremely tragic and sudden manner. She had a brain aneurysm within an hour of showing symptoms. She collapsed to the floor right in front of our family. I have had a very difficult time coping with this loss. My mother was the most important person to me in the world. We had very close relationship with very little problems at all. She meant everything to me. What makes the grieving process tough for me was that I didn't get to say goodbye, I look back and wonder what my life would be like if she wasn't lost.

To make everything more difficult is the fact that my father and I have a not so good relationship. When I was younger, I battled with ADHD and my father seemed to have a extremely difficult time coping with the problems associated. Many times he would get very upset at me and we would get into a yelling contest. His temper has cooled since he stopped drinking about 7 years ago. That, however, does not make it any easier. I still look back on all the conflicts we had and maybe I don't have much respect for him. Recently, my father accused me of being an alcoholic, which I deny because I am not one. I will not go into detail on that manner because it is somewhat irrelevant.

Throughout my schooling, I attened many counseling sessions some forcibly by my parents(mostly my father). Also throughout school, I was harrassed fairly frequently. The harrassment varied from psychological(starting of rumors) to physical(hitting or punching). That does not help the grieving process or my self esteem. I will admit that I do have low self esteem and have had it almost my whole life. Close relationships can be hard to come by for me, possibly due to past harrasment by fellow human beings. I have had one serious girlfriend in my lifetime. The relationship lasted 8 months and ended last summer.

While attending college, I have maybe found out some things about myself and what others think of me. Some may believe I am a jerk or just outright strange. I will not deny those claims. I guess I just have to live with them.

To conclude, this week I am going to be attending my first session since my mother's death. There is no doubt that it is going to be tough and very lengthy. I really hope that it will help me with my many difficulties as I hope you guys can do the same. Thanks in advance.

[slimoperasinger]

Hello. I just lost my mother 11 days ago. It seems like yesterday. In fact, every morning I wake up in disbelief that this is happening! I wake up thinking she's here and when I realize she's not, I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart. Mornings are the worst.

My mom lived with me (along with my husband & son) for 6 yrs after my dad died. She was my companion and buddy. I have a business in my home, but when I wasn't working, she was always there. I am also an only child, so now I have no one. My cousins and 1 remaining aunt live on the opposite coast or in other countries. I call them, but it is not enough to fill the hole in my heart. My husband and mom-in-law just want me to cheer up and keep busy. That makes me even more angry. I know they mean well, but I just want to be with my mom. I am not ready to not think about her because dwelling on her keeps her with me. I am able to have fun and do other things, but then things always come crashing down when 1 thing will set me off into deep tears. My 11 yr old son is a big help to me. Otherwise, my home life isn't happy, so that's even more isolating. My mother was the buffer in my house. Without her here, I can see and feel the emptiness of my home life even more.

I return to work today, after having been off for 3 1/2 weeks. I love my work, but I know that I will be very tired this week, as I have not caught up in sleep. Grieving is very exhausting. Fortunately, I do have a therapist, another bereavement counselor through hospice, and plan to join a mother/daughter loss support group that starts soon. I was told that it may be too soon for me to take it, but I will try.

I am grateful that I found this group online. No one out there can feel the depth of my loss and emptiness of being an adult orphan.

[michellemarie]

Slimoperasinger,

I am so sorry for your loss.Everything you said about your mom-that was mine.I know how big that hole in your heart is.To lose your mom is the hardest next to losing your child. I think its good you are going to a group setting to deal with your grief. Only you know what you are feeling and what will work for you.You are alot stronger than I was at first. I denied my grief and then it came tumbling down.

Things may loook bad at home for the moment because you are missing your mom. I put off getting remarried for afew months because I began to doubt myself. Death makes you take a look at your life.You know your mom would want you to be happy in all you do.

My mom has been gone now 8 months.I took care of her till she passed.I did all she wanted in her final days.Its good you have your child to remind you that life does go on even if we wish it could just stop.I have my 2yr granddaughter who has helped me thru this time.

I have 3 more dates to get thru and thats mothers day, her birthday(that is when we are buring her ashes by her parents), and the day she died. I am not looking forward to that at all.

You have found awonderful site here. So many people here have helped me and still do. I hope I have helped in some way. Take care and my thoughts are with you

[asheepoo21]

hi all-

so today is april 2nd and i have 16 more days until my moms 3 year death anniversary. just as i keep saying, i am not looking foward to it at all, i dont know i can do it. I feel like i shouldnt be beating myself up over a day that's not even here yet, but then again i feel like i should prepare myself for it, and then i keep thinking that you cant even prepare yourself for a day like that, it just comes, and you just get through it. uggghh. i know i always sound so strong on here, being 17 years old, but really i feel like i am dying on the inside of the hole in my heart from my mom and dads death, especially my moms.

i wish this would all go away.

blahhhh

ashley

[jazzikay]

HEY everyone!

havent written in a while... but i've been just reallly realllllllyyyyy down lately.. I am sick of my life. It sucks. seriously. Like my mom and grandmother and the kid I like is goin out with some ugly chick =[. I got a lot to worry aboutt. Like I just don't like my life. Its stupid and annoying and I dont feel like being here

-not a not of suicide

[lulabell]

Seems like everytime I come on here I sound like the voice of doom. Sorry if this troubles anyone. I am now on Prozac (again) feeling utterly unable to fathom my mother's death and become increasingly depressed and lonely - seems like everyday gets worse. She was snatched away on the 27th December 2006 suddenly at 61 and I still cannot come to terms with it. It was her birthday on the 31st of March and that was just unbearable - I spent the whole day almost comatose. This whole thing is weird because I am going to work, getting on with things and for all intents and purposes coping but inside I feel dead and nothing has any centre or point anymore - I really have no desire to do anything anymore. I know my mother would hate me to feel this way but at the same time she knew how special she was to me. I always said that to her that she better not dare die because that would be the end of my life and that's exactly how it feels - alive in body but spiritually dead.

We still have no reason for my mother's death and when I speak to my brothers and sisters it seems like they are coping admirably so I cannot really talk to them about how I feel - they are all married with children - me I was the career child who decided to put my first and up until now work has dominated my life. I have tried counselling before but am not really sure it helped that much - what counselling taught me was that no matter what you have to assume responsibility for your emotions, behaviour and responses. I am trying to keep with that and try to pull myself out of this abyss but .....

One day I will surprise you all and come onto this site feeling some happiness. In the meantime, I read the new posts with a great sadness - this death business sucks!

Lucie

[janiceaden]

I understand you Jazzikay when you write about how life sucks. Even though we are two different people in different timelines in our life I can guarantee you that the Heartache is equal. Losing my mother to cancer has changed my perspective in life, I really don't care anymore if I succumb to the disease myself. In honesty yesterday I had a serious bout of gastro and found myself moaning and groaning in pain like my mother did before she passed away. This scared me a little b/c her death is still very fresh but it made me think about how scared and angry she must of been knowing her time was ending. It didn't help also when I had to look after my little children when in fact I didn't have any strength to look after myself. All in all I found myself crying in the toilet bowl (whilst my 15 mth old baby was watching)and for the first time in my life I felt 'helpless'..... The tears did erase some pain but the realisation that I am on my own hit me hard. I am married and have a wonderful husband but he has a business to run and can't stop to babysit b/c I was sick... Needless to say my Hormones are running rampant as so is my pregnancy. All I wanted was my mother yesterday to hold me and tell me I am going to be fine..... How will I cope while I am in labour knowing she won't be there to see her new grandchild.... I might book myself into a post natal care unit when the time comes in case I get the baby blues............ SORRY ABOUT THE POST.... IT JUST HIT ME HOW HARD LIFE IS WITHOUT THAT EXTRA HELP ONLY A MOTHER CAN OFFER

[slimoperasinger]

Wow, am I glad that I can be part of this site. It scares me that so many of you talk about the depth of pain years later. I hope this pain isn't this great years from now. My chest hurts from the pain. I mean that I really feel pain in my heart. Today is 1 week since we buried my sweet and beautiful mother. She died of cancer too, like someone else just mentioned. I, too, was absolutely traumatized the night before her death when her little body went crazy with pain. My heart broke. Fortunately, hospice quadrupled her meds by the next morning so she slept on her last day and then opened her eyes briefly an hour before she passed (even though she couldn't see us anymore). It tore me apart to see her deteriorating so rapidly each day.

The bereavement counselor told me that most people find the worst grief at 3-4 months. It is then that all of the cards and flowers and well wishes stop and everyone else gets back to their normal life and no one pays attention to the griefstricken. Well, I'm feeling that way now. It has only been 1 week since Mom was buried, 12 days since she died, and I think I probably received my last card and flowers today. I was getting a lot and then each day they got less and less. The email messages have stopped. No one is as concerned about me anymore. My husband doesn't get it. No one does, except the people like you all who have lost a mother.

I feel so lonely. I could ALWAYS count on my mother. There is no one else that I can count on like her anymore. Everyone is busy with their families, jobs and life, as they should be. I was the only child and my mother was always there for me. Everyone keeps on saying how strong I am and how well I am doing, but they don't know how much I hurt.

[solemate]

I too and glad to be part of this site - In a way we are all solemates - no matter how we lost our mother, whether it be by accident, illness or other ways. HELP Its been 9 days since my Mum has gone and today I nearly joined her. I was on the way to a grief counsellor and wasnt concentrating on the road. I nearly hit someone and I simply had no idea. I dont think I should drive for a while. Today was a horrible day, I only have one sister and she is completely different to me. The family was to go to my parents home and continue to sort things out and divide their items between the two of us. Unfortunately my sister brought someone and I lost it - I was so upset that she (without asking) brought someone into their home while we were to go through Mum and Dad's personal items etc. I have tried to make some peace with her, but this hasnt worked. How have others coped with this process ?- especially when one wants one thing and the other person wants that. I hate this - my mum was such a lovely lady and would be very upset to see this happening. Its hard enough to cope with one loss, but two at once is taking its toll on me and no doubt others.

I feel very humble to read everyones posts - you are all wonderful people who have hearts and are willing to share emotions.

I have been told that I should be happy that they went together - I am not happy I to have had the last of the flowers delivered and the post is slowing down. I am finding if difficult to thrown the dead ones away - I have been keeping some petals for drying and putting with their ashes. To everyone thankyou for sharing your heart and soul, its helpful and supportive to talk about these issues- thank you

[hmtod73]

to slimoperasinger, i am truly sorry for your loss. i understand your pain. it is never an easy thing to go thru. please find some satisfaction in the fact that you were there with your mom in her time of need. in response to what you said about the card and phone calls and e-mails stopping, i agree. that is what happened in my situation. my mom passed in feb 2004 and people stopped calling about a week after she died. of course, very few people even asked, called, or sent cards to her while she was sick. which i don't understand because she always seemed to be liked by all. anyway, i have been coming to this site for about 2 1/2 yrs. i don't post often but i always read. i do get some comfort from being apart of this community. there are some very caring , understanding and supportive people here. i have had alot of deaths in my life since my mom has passed. and now i make sure to call people and check on them, usually about every month or two. i will send thinking of you cards or leave a message on their machine just to let them know they are thought of. i send cards for their loved one's angel date/birthdays. i don't want people to feel what i felt/feel, like i am all alone and no one remembers what happened. of course i understand that death and dying and illnesses are a hard topic for most people to discuss. it is not always comfortable to talk about but really it is a part of life. as far as the hurt goes, yes. i hurt very bad about a month or so after my mom died. my stomached ached and my heart was heavy. my body was sluggish. every movement i made was such an effort, as if my limbs were each 200lbs. now, i don't feel that way but there are days when my heart aches for my mom. that is normal. those days will become less as you learn to find a new way of living and a new routine. it is hard to accept so early on, just take your time with your grief. it is a process. continue to post here, it is helpful and we are always here to listen. take care and i wish you peace. heather

[slimoperasinger]

I am so glad that I found this board. I feel less isolated and alone. No one else really seems to understand unless they have lost a mother.

Soulmate, re the flowers, I decided to let them dry out and save them as a bouquet. Have you thought of that? There are many websites about how to dry flowers. When my dad died 6 yrs ago, I saved the petals and rosebuds and made a potpourri out of it (even though I didn't know how). I still have it in my dining room in a pretty bowl. I'm sure that I won't be drying out the flowers the way it's described on the sites, but they are already pretty drying in the original vases. I felt sad, thinking that I had to throw them all away, since these are memories of people who loved either my mom or me. I will feel very sad when I no longer smell the fragrances of the flowers. Some are still alive and beautiful, but I know they will die a bit each day. Ugh, here I go, thinking about dying again, this time the flowers.

I felt sad yesterday when I went into my mom's room and it didn't smell like her much anymore. The cleaning ladies came and cleaned the whole house, so it took away her scent. I had been able to go up there, close the door and still feel like I was communing with my mom, or else I felt like she was just downstairs, like old times. In her room I see her clothes, her books, her tons of notes, junk, pictures, momentos, saved news clippings, envelopes and it is like time has stood still. Not having her scent was sad because it feels like she is leaving the house, leaving me. How I want to cling to my mother! She was always there for me, the one and only constant in my life!

I have read from others here that their loss feels greater as time goes on. For me, the fact that the flowers, cards and emails have stopped and family is not calling me anymore (although I still call them, but it's different now, more like they just want to chit chat), feels sad and lonely. Like I said, my husband is indifferent and no help at all. In fact, he just makes things worse. This forum is a life saver.

The only person that helps me is my 11 yr old son. Last night I was able to cry while hugging him. I was worried about crying to my boy, but then I've been doing a lot of reading about grieving and it said that sharing grief with kids is healthy and nothing to run away from. He was so understanding and told me not to worry, not like my husband who just wants me to be like my old self so that I can be more available to him. I don't want to stop grieving because I don't want to let go of my mom.

I am feeling very needy and clingy. 2 nights ago, 3 of my friends took me out to dinner and we had so much fun that I didn't want to go home. I wanted to beg them, please don't leave me! Everybody says how strong I always am, but I am hurting so much inside.

My son and I will be taking a nice trip next week to get away. I am looking forward to it because I really need it.

Thank you for being here and reading through all of my thoughts.

[lilliesson]

today is a sad day. im off the whole week for spring break, im supposed to be enjoying it, instead im very depressed. this week and my mom would have hung out everyday doing different things, running errands, etc... i miss her so much. i just realized that my life will never, ever, be the same agian!!!! i hope everybody else is having a good day at least