Loss of a Mother

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: I'm thankful to hear your news and will continue to keep you all in y prayers. I'm Auntless now. My Mother was the oldest of eight children, four boys and four girls. She outlived all but one brother who is 68. They were all tough women. First one died of breast cancer, second one cancer, and the last Aunt, who was my special Sweetie, died last March of emphysema and congestive heart failure. Oh how I miss her. She was ten years younger than my Mother and still had her mental health, whereas My Mother was slipping, especially the last two years. I would visit her and take her food. She loved cornbread and milk (good old country girl). She and my Mother were feuding one day and friends the next. Each one would call me and tell me what the other one had said to make her mad and they would each vow not to speak to the other ever again!.... lol lol This occurred every two or three weeks. And if my Mother had ever known I had taken my Aunt cornbread or anything, oh she would be so jealous. I miss my Aunt. Her name was Maxine. I think when she died in March, that's when my Mother began to give up for that was her last sister. Five months later, my Mother died.

JOSEPH: If you're reading here.... I miss you. I hope you're okay.

TARA: I know you've gone home to your Father and to take care of your Mother's things. I know you're on a horrible rollercoaster ride right now and wish I could be there to help you. You're in my thoughts. I pray for strength for you to get through this. Be Well.

ROBBIN: Funny, something you said in one of your posts, about your aunt claiming her victory. My Mother use to say that a lot when I was younger, especially in her prayers. She would say, "I'm claiming the victory Lord".

I'm really missing her today. When I was getting ready for work this morning, I looked in my ring box and picked up her Mother's ring, which she had given to me last year. Yellow gold with five pretty stones. I wore it today. I had the funeral director to put it on her finger when preparing her for viewing, but that I wanted it removed before the casket was closed for its final time. I was so broken and in such an unreal place that I did forget it, but the Director didn't and I was very greatful. I felt as though she's been with me all day today. I've fought back crying over every little thing.

Please don't think bad of me for what I'm about to put onto this screen, but I feel like I've got to get it out. Today at work, one of my co-workers, her mother is 90 and is still living alone in her own home, but her health is starting to deteriorate. She was visibly upset after talking with her Mother and I could see the worry and turmoil and helplessness in her face. And in one instant I caught myself feeling relieved. Relieved that I no longer had to worry about someone hurting my Mother or taking advantage of her or whether she made it through the night without falling or whether she took too much over-the-counter meds. Relieved that I believe her to be in a much better place where those things won't ever happen to her. Then I began to feel guilty for feeling relieved. I can still feel her as I held her as she died. There are no words to describe how letting her go has shaken every fiber of my being. I still remember how she saw the angels in her bedroom the first night I had brought her home from the hospital to die, the peace in her face, the smile, the emphasis on her impaired words "Angels Everywhere", "Beautiful".

Monday will be five months and I know I'm not the only one who hurts this way. Just having a bad night. I heard a song the other day and I had to buy the CD. It's Brad Paisley, Country singer, singing a duet with Dolly Pardon, the name of the song is "Don't Cry for Me Down Here". These are the words.....

When I get Where I'm Going on the Far Side of the Sky

The First Thing that I'm gonna do is spread my wings and Fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion and run my fingers through his mane,

Or I might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain

When I get to Where I'm Going, there'll be only Happy Tears

I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these Years

And I'll leave my Heart Wide Open, I will Love and Have No Fear

When I get to Where I'm Going, Don't Cry For Me Down Here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy and he'll match me step for step

And I'll tell him how I missed every minute since he left, Then I'll hug his neck.

When I get to Where I'm Going, there'll be only Happy Tears

I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these Years

And I'll leave my Heart Wide Open, I will Love and Have No Fear

When I get to Where I'm Going, Don't Cry For Me Down Here.

So much pain and so much darkness in this world we stumble through

All these questions I can't answer, So much work to do.

But When I get to Where I'm Going and I see my Maker's face

I'll stand forever in the light of His Amazing Grace.

[cantbelieveit]

I just wanted to say I lost a post earlier in the evening that I had sent out to everyone. It is now 2:36 a.m. and I can not sleep, so I find myself here in this place that feels like my new home. All of these posts are so touching I can relate to so much it's amazing.

I had this thought while I was trying to sleep that we all met up as if at a reunion only that we had never met before and we all had on name tags with our screen names, it was so peaceful and fun to imagine walking up to everyone and just feeling like old friends. It made me smile for a little bit and then since I could not sleep I had to get up and check in.

I do feel like we were all blessed to be brought to this place for support.

I have some reading to catch up on here. I feel so behind like one minute I was new and getting to know a few people and then alot has happened and new names are popping up all over and I want to be supportive to everyone and thank you for being supportive to me.

I wish you all a good night's sleep.

[Guest Guest]

I have just read a few sites about grief and mourning. I have never sought help or counseling. I am now 28 and I am about as low as I can possibly go. It took me until tonite to seek help. I am so happy I have stumbled across this site. I lost my mommy, it'll be 4 yrs ago on Feb 19th. I was pregnant with my daughter and that was one of the best things that happened to me. I find myself grieving alone, late at nite. I cannot sleep and it is becoming a real problem. I just read 'cantbelieveit's post and that so funny because I often have similar dreams of meeting up with people only to help cope with the pain. Boy that semse of peace even if it is only in a dream. My mommy and my son were "best-friends". He is now 9 years old. I mourn for us all. We still lived w/my mommy when she past so suddenly. She started a new job the day b4. She left for work, took my son to school and never returned. It was heart-wrenching as she was a healthy and in-shape individual. She died of a heart-attack.

I would like to thank you all for receiving me. Funny thing is, you ALL have comforted me and now I feel as if i can go to sleep as it is very late. I wi;; definitely be back tomorrow. As I lay my head down on my pillow, KNOW you ALL will be in my prayers.

[septemberspain]

I'm sorry to refer to you as Guest but I just want to tell you that HERE you will find alot of support and peace. I'm sorry you are having a rough time coping with your mommy's death. (I called my mom mommy too) Why not grab a chair and join us here. We are all going thru life without our best friends (Our Mom's) and it is such a comfort to be among a group of "Strangers" that understand what you are feeling. Some of us are in different stages of our journey but we all share one thing in common, the loss of our beautiful mother's. And if you decide you are going to check us out, I promise you alot of love and support. Sure there are days and times when we all cry and try to help the other thru and if you look at our post you will see that their is alot of bonding and comforting happening right here. I didn't mention healing but we and I think I can speak for most of us here we know that you never heal from the "hole" in your heart that our mother's passing creates but we learn to take this new life that we now live and try to make the best of it. Soooo if the above statement hasn't told you that you are among friends here...... Well I guess we can just show you, that is if you allow us too. I hope to talk with you soon, and I hope today is a day of peace and comfort for you.

Robbin

[josephb]

what my grandma said was out of spite,that is just the way she is.when i was younger my mom and her boyfriend broke up and my grandma offered us a place to stay at her house. well to make a long story short, after a few months she kicked us out. in 2003 i was going to be homeless because my my mom went into the nursing home. she came and got me and was going to have me put into a homeless shelter, but for whatever reason she let live in her house.i got put on welfare because she feels she doesnt have to pay for my food because she is in her own words is not my "natural parent"i always thought that was wrong considering she has 2 master degree's and makes good money and is my grandma,but what do i know?(back on welfare due to my recent surgery since im not working)

yes connie i am straight and no i am not currently dating anyone my last girlfriend was a nutcase that spewed 1 lie after the other and cheated on me so i broke up with her

my goal before i lost my mom was to go to college and make something of myself

however i do not know what my future holds and i keep on having suicidal thoughts.soon i will be old enough to buy alcohol and a gun.the only thing that is making me have second thoughts is if i shoot myself what happens if i doesnt kill me? i dont want end up paralyze for rest of my life

[groy58]

Joseph. I am so happy to see your new post. I have not even read it yet, but You just made my day. I have been worried about you.

Love you,

Giselle

Robbin, Connie, Dee, Jenny, Joseph, Ranae,Tara1, Kelly, EULAHA, MAMASGIRL, LITTLEBUG,CANTBELIEVEIT,CHARSMOM2: and to our newest member “Guest”, boy I hope I did not forget anyone.

I am finally able to half way think again and so I will attempt to write my latest thoughts. Guest, I concur with Robbin, Welcome to our little family. You will find lots of sharing here and sometimes you’ll even get a good laugh. I hope you will post again and let us know that it is you. A couple of our younger members are expecting and we have taken on the title of cyber-aunt’s so I am sure that we could take on a 9 and 4 year old as well, smile. We have all felt at one time or another that we have reached our lowest point and just do not want to go on trying to cope with all the emotions. But someone on this site is always here to listen and help to pick up each others spirits so that we can make it another day. Have you ever heard that song “ One day at a time sweet Jesus” well sometime in dealing with the death’s of our mother’s it has been more like one second at a time. So what I am trying to say is do not ever feel that you are alone. We are all here and will try to listen and understand whatever you want to share.

Man I tell you my aunt Joyce being admitted to the hospital really threw me for a loop. It just took all of the wind out of my body. I finally got up today and went down to the gym and did the treadmill, then came right back home and slept some more. Aunt Joyce is home and doing well, we are waiting for test result now so please continue to keep her in your prayers. I really seem to be having anxiety about this new “elder” role I am supposed to be stepping into in my family. I never even remember thinking about the day my mother would not be here to take charge and assure us all that everything would be alright. Now this younger generation is looking for me to be able to do that and I am not sure that I am up to the task, they may have to nominate someone else, smile. I know that the reality of loosing all the people in my life (family and friends) that gave us instruction on how life is suppose to go, is taking it’s toll on my mind. I found myself crying and just calling them out by name and asking them to help me now. I hope they can hear me.

Connie, My mother was the eldest of six, in order they were, Donna /my mother, Joyce, Shirley/ deceased from cancer, Berniece, Richard (another long story Vietnam Vet., lost his mind after the war. Homeless and last we knew living in California) and finally Angela (she is younger than me; my grandmother had her when she was 40 or 42 years old. It was a major shock, smile). So anyway the Old hands are now Joyce, Berniece and I. Girl pray I get some strength and wisdom fast….

Cantbelieveit, I too have had thoughts of us all meeting someday. What a unique reunion we would have. I am sure our mother’s have had a hand in our uniting at this place and knew that we needed each other. It is remarkable to me the technology to bring people together from everywhere, all ages, ethnic backgrounds etc and have us become one big happy family even in our sorrow. I know that it has been such a comfort to me to know that all of my sister’s and Joseph are here and willing to stand by me, no matter what I am going through. I never posted to any site prior to this and do not know if I ever will again but this has become a very intricate part of my life and I love you all as if I have known you for all of my life. Maybe our souls have known each other, who knows?

Robbin, Connie that song reminded me of a song I have sung in church all of my life titled “Walk around heaven all day” it goes a little like this;

One of these mornings and it won’t be very long. You’ll look for me and I’ll be gone. I’m going to a place where there won’t be nothing to do but walk around heaven all day. It’s a place where I’ll just sing and pray, My mother and father will be there and my heavenly father too and I’m going to walk around heaven all day.

I am going to try and purchase the song you wrote about Connie it sounds beautiful.

New mom’s to be and younger mother’s as well Connie (girl you are telling the truth, I am going to quote this often, smile) “when your child is small, they think you hung the moon. When they're teenagers, they think you fell from the moon. Now that my son is grown (26), he thinks I deserve the moon”. That is wonderful parenting wisdom, I wish someone had told me that earlier. Well I have been writing forever. I can not wait to hear from you all.

Love, Peace and God’s grace and mercy to you all,

Giselle

[groy58]

Joseph

" I do not know what my future holds and i keep on having suicidal thoughts.soon i will be old enough to buy alcohol and a gun.the only thing that is making me have second thoughts is if i shoot myself what happens if i doesnt kill me? i dont want end up paralyze for rest of my life".

Dear heart, none of us knows what the future holds. And you do not need alcohol or a gun. Try your faith in God instead. I know that you are a believer from earlier post. When I feel that I am at my lowest I remember these words, "Faith is the belief in things unseen" and we only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed (very small) in order to have Christ intercede to our heavenly father and protect us from all evil that might try to influence our lives. I Know that life can seem unfair and unbearable sometimes. I myself have had days when I have literaly sled down a wall in agony and despair, not wanting to take another breathe. Only my faith and the kindness of others that care have gotten me through those life moments.

Joseph I hope you know by now that we all love you here and that we only want the best for you! You have to know that we all hurt in life, we all cry, we all feel alone at times. But there is a whole world out there and you just have to grab hold and try with all your might to enjoy the ride.

I have missed hearing from you. Keep in touch more often, OK. Writing out my feelings really has helped me.

Much Love,

Giselle

[clio31]

I warn you-This is going to be a long one. Catching up from an entire week!

Dee-Thinking about you, sending you love and strength. Beautiful website for your beautiful girl. How is your son, how are you?

Good Morning All-

Haven’t had much time this past week to read all the posts, make comments, or offer my sympathy to those new on the board.

Have lots to comment on though:

Cantbelieveit & Littlebug

I lost my mother in October as well, and going through the same feelings, that I should be able to move on a bit by now. As I go to this grief counselor, she tells me I am not alone in this, and that these feelings are all normal. Honestly, that was hard to believe until I came to this board. Although, I hate the feelings I have, I do know after sharing with everyone here, that it is OK. Don’t rush it, that will just make the whole process longer and harder. I recently had my ‘wow, she’s really gone’ moment recently as well. Maybe the first 3 months are kinda a shock time, then it sinks in L.

Littlebug-Congrats on the soon to be new addition to your family. Even though I don’t know you, I feel so happy for you. It is wonderful to see the circle of life continue through all this grief.

Swede-Love your comment ‘It’s no WONDER we get so exhausted, putting out so much of our energy into grieving!” This is so true. I feel like I have been running on empty since my mom was diagnosed…doesn’t seem to get much better.

Tara-I was thinking about you, going to take care of your mom’s things. Hope everything went as well as it could. I know it is hard. How is your dad?

Kelly-Emotions are definitely crazy right now, laughing one minute, crying the next. Everything seems totally out of sync! I hope I have a daughter one day too J

Robbin-Your comment-"Oh I'm so sorry you lost your mother"-I did the same thing. When I first went back to work, there were some people that I work with all the time (but are not in my office-out in CA). They thought I had taken a vacation, my response-no vacation, ‘My mother died’. These people, even though I couldn’t see them, I could just tell they were shocked that I had put it so bluntly. I never liked all the ‘gentle’ terms for dieing that much. I guess friends/co-workers don’t use the term, like it softens the blow or something. Reading over all the responses you have given to everyone here, you seem so much like my mom J Thanks

Ranae-

Sorry, I supposed I didn’t realize how new your grief was, only 3 weeks. So glad you found this place so soon. It took me a few months. The support here is wonderful. I see a grief counselor as well, and it does help. This board though, I think it has helped even more. The people here are so kind, accepting, loving, too bad we are so scattered, we would have a weekly coffee date I’m sure! Thinking about you, wishing you some peace.

Eulaha-

Don’t know if you have solved your issue with getting your mom’s records yet or not, but I know that I am the executor of my mother’s estate, and I am the only one who can obtain that sort of info. Does your mom have an executor/administrator??

Connie-I have my Mom’s ring too. I wanted to bury her with it, but when the time came I searched and searched, and couldn’t find it. Her dad told me that she told him that she had lost it about a year ago. I was distraught, I wanted her to have it! When I cleaned out my mom’s house, I found the ring, it was in a sock! So strange. It was like I was supposed to have it.

Also, I love that song by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. It is so beautiful. I know my mom would have loved it. It does remind me of my mom, as near the end, she talked a lot about her Grandad, whom she loved dearly. She wanted to see him.

Giselle-So glad to hear your aunt is doing OK, have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Wish I had your ‘get up and go’ attitude about the gym thing. My therapist says that exercise will help the grief, but how can I exercise when I barely have the energy to get out of bed and go to work????????????

[clio31]

Wow, now that I have caught up with everyone, I will vent for a minute. I was actually productive at work this week, first time since my mom died. I don't know if it was becausing I am healing a bit, or the reality of my deadlines approaching forced me into action. I do think it is the latter.

I am beginning to think I have cracked a little bit. I have seen a medium 3 times to try to connect with my mom. Strange thing is, I don't even know if I believe this stuff, although alot accurate details were given. She said my mom's spirit was weak cuz she was still in transition...Does anyone believe in this???? I guess I am just desparate, but I am definately wasting too much time and money on this.

My grandad said he saw my gramma, that's what prompted this. I guess you have to know him, but he is a very skeptical, 'nothing but the facts' type person. And for him to say he saw her at the foot of the bed, and she talked to him. It just really gave me chills.

I am going to her grave today, it's time to take down the christmas flowers, and put something else up. I wish the grass would grow back...it's hard going there, still seeing the dirt and rock. Reminds me this all still so new. We have had some strange weather here...very warm, you would think it would grow.

Oh, well...guess it will in the spring.

I know it's probably a long shot, but do any of you live in/near the DC Metro area????

I'm off for now, please know you all are in my thoughts. I will try to check back a bit more as my posts this morning have gotten way too long!

Till next time, all my love

Jenny

[septemberspain]

Good Morning All,

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. I'm feeling oddly ok????? But then again it's still early and we all know how that could go right? I'm wishing everyone here a good day or maybe a good few hours I think I graduated from one breath at a time to hours (giggle)

Jenny, I've never did the medium thing nope to chicken to attempt that. Here's a funny reason as to why I'm a chicken LOL.

When I was younger maybe about 13 or so a bunch of "us" kids had gathered at our house here. Well it was a rainy stormy night and being bored we tried to find something to do which didn't involve playing outside so it was maybe 6 or 7 of my little friends and we came up with this "BRILLANT" idea to have a seance (I know that's spelled wrong just by looking at it lol) well we gathered around my parents dining room table get the candles and join hands and we even had the nerve to chant LOL! Well to make a long story short we tried to summon up a spirit any spirit and after about 3 minutes of all of us chanting we asked the spirit we contacted to show us a sign they were present and wouldn't you know it at that same moment we experienced a power outage LOL and when that room and all the surrounding rooms went dark we thought we had actually contacted a "Mad Spirit" and the lights going out.... well let's just say we all ran out of the house screaming for dear life. LOL! So since that day let's just say Robbin does not and will not be around for any spirits contacting her!

Even my mom joked with me during her last few weeks about coming to visit after she passed and I made her promise, "NO NIGHT TIME VISITS FOR ME!!!"

Giselle, Lady let me tell you I just happen to be the "go to" person since my mom died and it is in no way a easy job! All of my family is scattered across the map. My parents were both from the south and the only Aunts here are my dad's sisters and unfortunately I'm just like my mom and I don't fool with them and the best thing about it is it is not a secret they know I don't fool with either one of them. (They call from time to time real brief conversations) My mother was one of six kids My Aunt Hattie Mae she's the oldest Mildred deceased from cancer Edith she's the one who found colon cancer right after mom passed Her brother Ben died from Cancer Posie died from Cancer and now my mom. So Cancer runs rampant on my mom's side. My dad's side well the only sickness I've seen this far is CRAZY!!!! sorry I know it's not nice to talk about folks but issues run deep over there LOL. My dad's sister the only one I liked died 3 days before my mom. So my only family here with me are my 2 sisters and my brother's oldest son. I do have cousins but you already know I don't fool with them either LOL. Giselle I don't know if I ever mentioned on this board but my Dad is a Baptist Minister and I grew up in the church and sang on the choirs and "Walk Around Heaven" has always been a favorite of mine. We use to sing together all the time and even as Mommy was slipping away I sat on the foot of her bed singing her onto Glory. My sister and I started singing He's Sweet I know just as Mom was taking those last breaths ooohhhh so Bittersweet is that memory.

Joseph I'm glad to see you. And you know I'mma respond to you separately.

Swede, I see you have gone back to reading again. You didn't think I noticed how you held the fort down last week while we were trying to cope with Dee's tragedy ....... Yeah, I saw you LOL! Hugs to you!

Connie, Ranae, Kelly, Cantbelieveit, Eulaha, Charsmom, Littlebug Missed hearing from you guys. Is everything OK?????

OK I'm so NOSEY and I always ask what I want to know so here goes What state are you in??? Me...... I'm here in good old Philadelphia (Looking at Jenny cause you made me think about this) (gotta blame someone for my nosey-ness)LOL!

Anyway I'm closing this out but I will be back checking in from time to time today. (After I talk to Joseph)

Hugs,

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Joseph I'm going to post this for you to read they are your own words Then I'm going to respond.

"what my grandma said was out of spite,that is just the way she is.when i was younger my mom and her boyfriend broke up and my grandma offered us a place to stay at her house. well to make a long story short, after a few months she kicked us out. in 2003 i was going to be homeless because my my mom went into the nursing home. she came and got me and was going to have me put into a homeless shelter, but for whatever reason she let live in her house.i got put on welfare because she feels she doesnt have to pay for my food because she is in her own words is not my "natural parent"i always thought that was wrong considering she has 2 master degree's and makes good money and is my grandma,but what do i know?(back on welfare due to my recent surgery since im not working)

In a nutshell Grandmom has an issue with the four letter word L-O-V-E. She does not know how to give or recieve love and my guess is your are her first attempt at showing love, emotions or feelings. I don't really know her background but I'm guessing that she is so use to hiding her true loving emotions and keeping her emotions in check that this is all new to her and it's really tough for her as well. She just lost a child that she birthed and she's hurting and I can almost wager and say she has a wall built up around her so no one can even get close to her. IN time she's going to allow you into her "world" right now she is fighting with her daughter's death and she may not feel strong enough to openly grieve around anyone. Grandmom is "HARDCORE" but you Joseph she's trying to let you into her world she just isn't sure how to do that and maintain her "HARDCORE" persona thing she has had for a while. Give her a hug out of the blue the 1st time she may not respond but as time goes on she will become more use to it. Try it and let me know. (I'm speaking from experience here, my parents both of them always hid their emotions and I was raised in a household where emotions and feelings were looked at as a weakness) I use to say when I grow up I'mma teach and show my kids it's alright to express emotions and when I did become a mother I raised my daughter to be very affectionate to always hug and kiss her family members and it was alright to tell a person you loved them and guess what MY Daughter did bring my parents out of that non emotional state she always tells them she Loves them, she alwas was hugging them and THEY both started doing the same thing and that love they started saying that to us too. So yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks. So let me know what happens yeah, you got alot of catching up to do but it will be worth it in the long run, because you and Grandma need each other right now more than you can ever imagine.

AND THIS PART HERE

my goal before i lost my mom was to go to college and make something of myself however i do not know what my future holds and i keep on having suicidal thoughts.soon i will be old enough to buy alcohol and a gun.the only thing that is making me have second thoughts is if i shoot myself what happens if i doesnt kill me? i dont want end up paralyze for rest of my life

OK here I go again

Your goal before your mom died was to go to college and make something of yourself. Joseph, sweetheart listen You can't stop living or give up on making something of yourself SHOULDN'T die. It should be more of a challenge to you. You know what your situation is first hand you already are experiencing people not trying to help you. Why make it harder on yourself??? Unless you have Direct connect into the future and you know already that you are not going to be alive for the next 5 minutes, you really need to start thinking about your future. What, you thinking that if you pull the covers up over your head for the rest of your life you will survive? I was under the impression that Joseph wanted to be SOMEBODY!!! I know life sucks right now but Killing yourself...... can you tell me what you hope to prove or accomplish by doing that. I mean if you can convince me that taking your own life is going to help in some way I'm all ears. But until you convince me....... Let's just say I'm taking it upon myself to try to help you and support you sorry I'm not accepting anything less. And just so you know, I really don't care if I've stepped on your toes, you stepped on my heart when you wrote that crap about killing yourself. So now we are even!!! And I'm still sending you HUGS and my love!!!

Robbin

[swede1]

Hey, All! Gad! So many things resond to, too little time! So I’ll have to ‘limit’ my comments here for now. ( I’m feeling so old, as I can’t seem to even keep up here! )

DEE,

Words still fail me, despite having been through the same kind of anguish you’re now in…strange, that, as words don’t often fail me. But just know that my heart has been where yours is now, so raw, so wrenching the unending pain. All I can do is empathize and recognize the agony. And again, if you can’t post here yet, that’s fine – we’ll all understand. If emailing privately is easier, whatever works is fine. As you can see, though, you’re always in all of our thoughts and our hearts. Dear Dee, do whatever you need to and are capable of doing, for yourself and your terribly grieving heart…..

GISELLE,

I, too, am still holding you, your aunt and your family in my highest intentions, and hoping so badly for the best possible outcome for your aunt’s Highest Good. ( I know there was something else I wanted to respond to, but now I can’t find it and am pressed for time….next time! )

JOSEPH,

I’ve had some suicidal thoughts myself, but with 2 important differences. One, I had no definite ideas on HOW I might exit this world, and two, within about 2 wks of these thoughts, I GOT MYSELF SOME HELP, LOCALLY. You MUST do this for yourself as well! We don’t want to have you suddenly disappear from here and never know what happened to you. We don’t want to be grieving YOUR death as well, or worse, not even knowing if that’s the case. You NEED to pick up a phone and call a suicide crisis line!! Even if you’re not feeling that way at that very moment, the resources they can provide you with will help you immensely! If you can’t find a crisis line listed, then phone your local mental health association, which WILL be listed pretty prominently in the phone book, and they can point you in the right direction, too. You NEED someone there who you can talk to at greater length, and more often, than even these boards can provide. These boards are more for of an adjunct to other resources and can’t provide ALL the care you need right now if this is how you’re feeling. Suicide is truly no answer, as the idea implies you will find some kind of RELIEF from the pain you’re in. But think about this…there will be NO relief that you will be ABLE TO EXPERIENCE if you are dead ( if dead means really dead, ie, no consciousness left ); likewise, if you survive death and still experience consciousness, you might still have some emotional pain – no one can tell us for certain what exactly happens to us after we leave our bodies behind. Is it really worth the risk? As hard as it might seem, our best shot at finding peace again, in whatever measure, is by sticking around and slowly but surely learning how to deal with our own, personal pains. That way, if we can outgrow our grief, and if consciousness continues after physical death, we’ll be at LEAST one step ahead of the game and will carry that evolution of ourselves with us forever. You should be able to see that I’ve thought about this quite a bit already, myself. I also lost the best girlfriend I ever had to suicide many years ago, and it still hurts me today. So if nothing else, keep in mind that you’d be adding to others’ pain if you did away with yourself. PLEASE, get some help with this! You’re WORTH it, even if no one around you right now is giving you this message. You can’t know what joys you have yet to experience in your life, especially when you’re still so young. You can’t know who you might yet meet who could end up giving you more love than you ever thought possible. Even a tiny trickle of hope will do, Joseph. The fact that you’re on this board makes me want to hug the stuffin’ outta you, as I believe there aren’t anywhere NEAR enough men who can reach out, acknowledge their feelings ( particularly the painful ones ) and who aren’t afraid of telling them to a munch of females, no less! This ALONE makes you special, wanted, priceless…..don’t throw that all away. GO GET SOME HELP. If you’d broken your arm, would you sit there and delay getting medical attention? It’s NO different with when our hearts are the broken part of us. You deserve some help, even if you have to be the one to make first contact with someone there who CAN and WILL help. We are NOT meant to go through grief alone – remember that. None of us are equipped, naturally, to be alone with such trying events in our lives. Please, go find someone to lean on there….and we’ll all still be here to hear all about it after you do!

JENNY,

I was exhausted for the first 1.5 years, after which I got myself to a doctor and found out my thyroid was borderline low. It was a matter of what came first, the chicken or the egg, as the grief can cause a physical change like this, so can depression ( also had or have, clinically – “moderate” ), as can lack of exercise, poor eating, etc. etc. Plus, I seem to be going into peri-menopause as well, so there’s no telling which did what. My point is: you really have to try and monitor your physical and emotional states during mourning, as one thing can balloon into another if you’re not careful.

And as for the terms “lost”, etc, VS. dead, etc. ~ most boards themselves give suggestions for posting which include being extra-sensitive to those whose grief is fresh, including possibly ‘offending’ others by too blunt terminology. I don’t know if I agree with this idea, because I think society ought to start talking about death openly ( gad, we need to grow up in so many ways! ) , but on the other hand, it IS a touchy subject yet for most of us, and I know I could use the word “died” for my Mother and brother, but NOT for my fur-baby for the first 2 years, most of the time. In fact, I referred to him in the present tense as I felt that was actually more accurate ( and certainly easier on my heart ), believing that our essence never dies, even if we can’t see it. Now, with more healing under my belt, I can use any term I feel like in the moment, but am usually using the softer terms for a.) convenience in a given sentence, and b.) to avoid causing more pain in others who ARE sensitive about it. Yes, there’s lots of confusion ‘out there’ when talking about death, dying, and grief….which is why we need to break this nasty, harmful cycle – as things like these boards help us do! I find it’s best to see which terms an individual is most comfortable with first.

For everyone I missed, my apologies, but this has taken all the time I had for posting for now…but you’re all in my thoughts and heart and as always, I wish you all the best possible for each moment, day by day. Love to all! ( and like I can even remember everyone’s moniker AND name anyway! Lol!…and I used to be KNOWN for having a great memory! )

[cantbelieveit]

Hello it is I. I am truly trying to catch up on all of this reading I want to support everyone as they are doing for me. I feel the pain, desperation, coufusion etc.....in alot of posts but I also feel the warmth, compassion, and the laughter these cyber friendships are wonderful and have become a part of my daily life.

Joseph...... I also had thoughts suicide and thinking I wish I could die I don't want to go on, this is to painful.......First of all my mom would kick my ass the second she saw me floating there still wondering where the hell I was going. I am not quite sure your whole family situation but there are lots of people I am sure that would be devastated if you were gone. Please seek some help, I do hope you can find something/someone and of course us to help you through this. Take a class or course, try to continue with some of your hopes/dreams etc...No it probably won't be easy but give yourself a break try to just accomplish one thing at a time no matter how small it may seem at the time. I am sure your mom would want that for you. I don't care what anyway says they are our mothers and will be worried about us for an eternity. I had such a bad weekend last weekend I could not get out of my own way. It was like mom had passed that day. PLEASE don't act on these feelings seek some help. I mean it. I will read more and check in again soon. In the meantime I would like to hear from you. Take care

Littlebug I know I am new to this board but it touched me when you said you were expecting and I told you my situation I do hope to be a cyber aunt as well. Tell us how you are doing.

Septemberspain I thank you for asking about me and also wanted to say that I am from Massachusetts. I love the fact that you mentioned having church and signing in your family life. I wish we had that, I always loved movies when then would show the churches like in the south and people singing the gospel together. I was always fascinated by that and wished to one day go to a place like that, did that sound weird?

Clio31 I am sorry for your loss, thank you for your words and for sharing you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am wishing EVERYONE well, sorry not to name everyone but my eyes are really going crossed right now, will check in later.

[clio31]

Robbin & Cantbelieveit-

We are actually on the same coast I am down in West Virginia, not too far from PA-I am about 20 minutes from Chambersburg-small town, probably never heard of it.

Anyway, I went and took down the Christmas flowers at my Mom's grave today, put in some roses, and got one of those solar powered hanging walkway lanterns and put it out. Want my momma to have a little light out there...

Been keeping very busy this weekend. Reorganized under the kitchen and bathroom sinks, also the closets. Seems like the places than can be hidden tend to be a scary place. Also painted in my new bathroom, and installed the trim.

Bought hardwood floors for my living room, and new tile for the kitchen. That is a project for another weekend. I have to have something to fill my time. Without my mom around, I almost feel lost...

Have to say though, I have a sparkling home right now! Even with four 'fur' babies:)

Thinking about you all-will catch up again later

Jenny

[kjaceyma]

Hey, JOSEPH... would love to correspond with you privately if you'd like.. please email me at kelly.jac@gmail.com if interested.

Ah, sobbed today. It was good.

Hey ROBBIN, I am in Boston.. I grew up around Philly, though.

“GUEST”, nice to see you here… ya know, when I saw my mom in the hospital the last couple days, I definitely called her ‘mommy’….

CLITTLE, my dad was the only one still with my mom when she died… and he told me later about the tremendous relief he felt when she finally went. It sounds reasonable to me, something I am not feeling because I wasn’t her primary caregiver… well I know my dad did a ton of running around and worrying about her suffering and expending energy and stressing out in general about the whole situation, more than the rest of us combined probably… so it makes sense that he would be relieved to finally let go of all of that.

And speaking of my dad… it is so hard to see him, SO HARD… I went back to Philly this weekend for my future sister-in-law’s graduation and my niece’s 1st birthday party. So I of course stayed in the big house with my dad, and we spent some time together and he sat my brother and me down to explain what’s going on with my mom’s estate and putting her assets into a trust and the details of all that. He also explained that he has been having a really difficult time finding the motivation to go to work, that he has to force himself usually. He doesn’t really like his job that much, it’s a start-up kind of thing that he got into this past October, after searching for work for nearly a year I guess. He interviewed for what sounds like a cool job at Dansko (those awesome, comfortable shoes) last week – I bet that would be neat. So anyhow, and he’s going to Europe this weekend for 5 days, for his current job… he’s not too excited for it, even though it sounds cool to me – I guess work is work is work, wherever you are.

I am just beside myself sometimes when I think of what he’s going through right now.

Over the weekend I looked through lots of pictures and scanned some of my family... I put them up on another picture page (more user-friendly than the previous I posted): http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=2AasmLFy2ZsXHw&notag=1

Sometimes I feel like this (song lyrics from the Weepies’ “The World Spins Madly On”):

I woke up and wished that I was dead

And an aching in my head

I lay motionless in bed

I thought of you; the way you'd gone

Let the world spin madly on.

And everything

That I said I'd do

That I'd make the world brand new

Take the time for you

I just got lost

I slept right through the dawn

And the world spins madly on.

Let the day go by

Always say goodbye

I watch the stars from my windowsill

The whole world is moving

And I'm standing still...

Woke up, wished that I was dead

With an aching in my head

I lay motionless in bed

The night is here

The day is gone

And the world spins madly on

Thought of you; the way you'd gone

And the world spins madly on

And the world spins madly on

And the world spins madly on

And on and on and on.

If you'd like to hear that song (beautiful), I can direct you to a free mp3. L

Love to all* Continued thanks…

Kelly

[kjaceyma]

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=2AasmLFy2ZsXHw¬ag=1

(the end of that is supposed to be "H w & n o t a g = 1" without quotes and spaces)

[deewithgreeneyes]

All my friends, I am here. Can't talk about anything yet. Sent my daughters ashes to sea today, wanted the ocean to take me too. Love, Dee

[kjaceyma]

i duno, what would happen if my dad *did* die in the plane to or from europe next week?? he has spent so much time organizing my mom's estate and all, and is keeping my brother and me informed in case something catastrophic happens and he dies suddenly (or not so suddenly, i guess).

since my mom has died and physically left me, my whole world has been shaken up and i have this fear that all of my family could leave me. of course it is more than very unlikely that that would happen all at once and/or soon.. but maybe not impossible. i mean i didn't give too much serious thought to my mom possibly dying and not being here, not before i actually saw her dying in the hospital last month.

i have a lot of anger toward my aunt (mom's twin sister) and my grandma (mom's mom)... they don't express their sadness with us, which is beyond frustrating when we want to connect with them -- there are a lot of other reasons for my anger, but a lot of it has to do with them still being here and my mother not.

:another big sigh:

i'm seriously considering making an appointment with a counselor/psychiatrist.. it certainly couldn't hurt to try.

[josephb]

i didnt mean to make everyone upset. i guess my emotions are just going back and forth

[charsmom2]

I feel terrible I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's posts for some time now. I pop in every once in a while and read what I can. There sure is a lot of activity from when I first posted here. I know I probably don't deserve much response here since I haven't been able to offer much myself, but I just need to vent a little.

It will soon be 8 months since I last seen or was able to actually talk to my mom. As my pregnancy nears the end I am getting so emotional. Yesterday I had a sudden urge to just be able to talk to her again. It was just so deep inside me I felt like screaming and was having a hard time not crying. I want so badly for her to be in that delivery room again with me like she was when my son was born. I know, she will be there in spirit but it just isn't the same. Every time I think about this I tear up, just I am doing right as type this. I just want to have this baby so I can stop thinking about how it is going to be and quit dwelling on the fact I am doing this with her. It will be one more step with out her to get through. I just miss her so much and it is just eating at my heart. I look at pictures of her and my little boy and all I can think right now is that I will never have those pictures of her with my little girl. It is so sad. I made a picture video for my dad of our lives with her as a family and my little boy loves watching this. He is only 2 1/2, but he is always asking to watch "nanny & papa". It is so sweet and it is amazing that he sits there and just stares at it the entire time. I sure hope I can teach my little girl about her grandma. She would have been so proud. She loved being a grandma. I just wish I could see her look at my kids with that twinkle in her eyes adoring every move her grandchildren make. I miss that so much! If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I really do appreciate it. It just feels better to get it out somewhere.

[clittlelady]

Hi Everyone.

Just wanted to drop in and say, I'm still here. I'm at work, so I'll keep this brief. Was in a lot of pain this weekend, couldn't do much of anything but cuddle with the heating pad. I've read all your posts. It seems the world keeps turning for us, but some days it's just super slow motion. Today marks five months since I said goodbye to my Mother at her death. I had my first dream about her Saturday night. She was a camera buff, loved to make pictures of everything and everyone. If you went to visit her, you got your picture taken. Her hands shook so bad, she would beat herself in the head with the camera while trying to take her photos. Some pictures were great, some had no heads... (smiling). In my dream she was as she was when I was growing up, in her fifties, vibrant, sassy. We were at My grandaddy's place out in the country. She wanted everyone to go out in the back yard so she could make some photos. It was so weird because she kept backing up and backing up and getting further away, until she was standing in the cotton field, so far away from us. I kept telling her to come back, come back. As I was trying to get her to move back closer in, Black clouds came from nowhere and it started to hail golf ball size hail. I screamed for her and began to run towards her, as it had already knocked her down. I was so worried she was hurt and was running towards her. That's all I remember of the dream. That's the only dream I've had of her.

JOSEPH:

Young Man! (see my Mother would always call me Little Lady when she was feeling a little catty towards me, so you get Young Man!) I'm not upset with you..... Just extremely concerned. No matter what anyone says or does to you or what has happened in your life that has shattered your beliefs, NOTHING WARRANTS SUICIDE! As long as there is LIFE, there is HOPE. HOPE for a resurrection of your torn spirit. HOPE for a life filled with success and happiness. HOPE for making a difference in this world. All of your plans for your future are not gone. They may be somewhat delayed for whatever your medical reasons are, but they are still attainable. You can begin college courses online. There are so many avenues to education now that weren't here a few years ago. If people in wheelchairs who are paralyzed from the neck down, that can only maneuver themselves by they're mouth and computerized medical equipment can physically attend college campuses, that shows me it IS possible for ANY of US who have less ailments or handicaps. I know your emotions are back and forth, believe me, I KNOW first hand on that one. And you can share your feelings here and I do not judge you, but I will do everything I can to help you through this darkness you are in right now. If you just disappeared from here, I would be forever in question as to your life or death status. Please, if you decide you just don't want to come here anymore, let's make a pact that we'll say good bye to each other. I mean, I know that you don't have to, but please, for me? I want good things for you. I want you to be able to get through this sorrow as I'm struggling to do myself. I want you to hit Life head on and accept the challenges you are handed and be successful. If you recall, I told everyone about my Brother, Glynn, who is dead, as a result of a tragic motorcyle accident. The year before he died, he had attempted suicide and he wasn't playing around either. He put a 357 magnum to his chest and pulled the trigger. His calculations of where his heart was, were off by 3/4 inch. He went through many life saving and corrective procedures. He suffered much pain physically. And then he had to face all the people who loved him so much, but were so upset that he went to those measures. He went through a long recovery process and had just begun to really appreciate his life again, when he had the accident that resulted in his death. Taking your own life equals skipping out on your chances, your responsibilities, your purpose. It's a selfish act. And if you want do believe death brings relief and that dead is dead and it's all over, well that's sad to enter eternal sleep without ever having known real happiness and love. But, in the even that death IS NOT final and there is a judgement to determine your eternity in a new life, my personal belief is that suicide could possibly damn your soul to a tortuous hell that is beyond any pain we could ever conceive in this life. And again, that is my belief and I could be wrong. But WHAT IF I'm not?????

Rock on Joseph.....Don't let your emotions pull you under and have their way with you. Fight it. My Mother always told me, "A Quitter never wins and a Winner never quits." I'm not mad at you Joseph, I care, truly. Even though you may find that hard to believe, I do. You can make yourself be successful without the help of those around you who should be there for you, but are not. A lot of wealthy, successful people started from nothing with nothing and with no one in their corner. Find your place. I have faith in you. Turn your negative energy into determination to do something better for you.

About the girlfriend thing, better not to have one than to have the wrong one. There is someone out there for you though, who needs you as much, maybe more than you need them. Your mate, your partner. Live one day at a time. It will get better. As much as your heart hurts and your emotions are on an all time low, it WILL get better.

Your in my thoughts. Please let me hear from you.

Connie

[eulaha]

Hello everyone,

The last couple of days have been ok. Lots of dreams about my mom. It's been four months since her death, and it feels like she died just yesterday. I keep thinking about her life, and wishing it could have been a happier one for her. The last couple of years of her life she spent depressed over the death of HER mother. At that time, I had no idea what it felt like to lose a parent. Now I know what she was going through. I used to think "Why can't she just get over this?" How naive and foolish I was!

Although my mom was only 54 when she died, and relatively healthy, I still made plans to take care of her in her old age. I used to watch commercials about Craftmatic beds and Lazy-Boys recliners, because I wanted to buy her those things so she'd be comfotable. These days, when I see those commercials, they make me feel sad. Sometimes I pretend that I'm talking to my mom, and I see her in the bed or sitting on the recliner. I pretend that I'm sitting with her, watching tv, and asking her what she wants for dinner. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad!

[clittlelady]

CHARSMOM2:

I'll have to say I can't imagine being where you are right now. I remember how emotional though those last few weeks were for me, without any additional trauma or drama in my life. When is your due date? You may have said earlier, but I'm living in the world of forgetfulness lately. I hope and pray that you will feel her love and presence when your time comes for delivery. Yes, there is so much life you won't be able to share with her, but remember the things you were able to share. I don't know if your already do this or not, but keeping a journal to your Mother and writing down all the things from time to time you want to say to her, would be a helpful thing. And also something special to hand down to your daughter as you age, so that she will know the love and appreciation, the bond you had with your mother. Those words later in her life could unite her to your Mother in a very special way. Just a thought. I've been writing to my Mother and it does help. Today is five months Mother has been gone, it seems like just yesterday.

I hope today will be a better day for you. Please do keep us posted, let us hear from you. You're a Special Person. Glad to get to know you. Sorry it's through this grief forum.

DEE: Love to you.

Connie

[littlebug]

septemberspain,

I am ok. I had a rough weekend. I found some pictures of my mom and got to thinking about her and how she and my dad will never get to see my baby. And I got so mad. It just doesn't seem fair. I am the youngest of five. I came along much later in life. They all got to have mom and dad for the birth of all of their children. And they (the children) were the medicine that kept them going. My child will only get to know 1 grandparent. (on my husband's side). I was missing my mom so bad last night. I feel so alone. I have my husband, but sometimes he can be such a jerk. I can't open up to him like I could my mom. We shared everything together. I can't talk to no one like I could her. She was my rock. I am at work right now and I don't feel like doing anything. I can't stay focused. I just want to lay on my couch and watch myself get fat. (smile) I hope I don't sound harsh about the baby. I'm really not. Finding out that I was pregnate was the best news I have gotten in a very long time. I am thrilled to be able to have one. By which I think will be a girl. I just hate the thought of not sharing this with my parents. I've been on clound 9 since I found out. I think it is just hitting me that they won't be there for me through this. I have my 1st doctor's appt. tomorrow and mom would always go with me. (I was her baby and she always wanted to go with me, even though I'm 32) If I'm feeling like I am right now tomorrow. I'll probably cry the whole time I'm there. Is this my hormones from pregnacy or the grief from losing mom? Or both? Anyway, thanks for listening. Sorry to have written a book.

[clittlelady]

EULAHA:

Nope, you're not going mad. You're doing what you have to, to cope, to get through. As I shared with CHARSMOM2, keeping a journal, writing in it daily, whatever it is you want to or need to say to your Mom, put it on paper as if you know she will be reading it. God, it's the hardest thing I've had to live through. I understand your heartache and emptiness. It's a very life altering event. But even though my Mother grieved over her parents for years, she also carried on and lived through more happy days afterward as well. So in her, I find more strength each day to recall how she made it through. Oh don't get me wrong, she would remind all of us kids, that her life never felt the same after burying both of them, two years apart. She also knew one day, we would probably understand those feelings on a more personal level, as we would have to say good bye to her. After losing my Brother 24 years ago, she made it clear that no parent should ever have to bury a child and suffer that, the children should have to bury the parents. I do find comfort in the fact she did not have to bury any more of her children and bear that pain again.

At any rate, all our grief takes its toll on us physical, spiritually and emotionally, but we will survive this. No Choice, huh?

Hope today is a good one for you and yours.

Connie

[tara12]

hELLO EVERYONE ...

I am back , got home last night , very very tired ....... flat i guess , just really tired ........... detah is weird huh.

I did heaps , my dad , well , up and down , it was hot , really stinking hot and hard , packing mums things , going getting her ashes , he fought with me till i was in tears , he thinks noone cares about him and was jealous i guess and madat me , who knows , grief i guess......... in the end it was ok . just hard . he is hard work ......... and i feel so bad for how it is ...... but can do only what little i do .........

anyway , went down the coast , 3 hours with a friend and spread some of mums ashes where we used to go to the beach as kids and have fond memories .........

it was good to do , i always find it strnge though , just the physical reality when you hold the ashes and look at them and watch them go into the water and become merged with the sand ....... it leaves a strong feeling .........

it was good to be there ...... sad my dad couldnt come , and i thought how it has been maybe 30 years even since my mum went or swam ... and now finally she made the trip........

I am struggling with work , with time , with feelings , with my health , all these things , with my heart , grief ......... not sleeping , ect........

but will hope things get better , its hard work , perserverance and a good attitude help , and friends or feeling connected and loved helps for sure.... i need this more ..........

i will read back and see how you all have been and then write more , just wanted to touch base ........ how are u , I hope ok ..... and DEE? ARE U THERE ? ARE U OK ... I THOUGHT OF YOU SO MUCH , ... WE WERE BOTH spreading ashes ........

love xx

[clittlelady]

TARA:

It sure is good to have you back. It's even better to know that you did make it through your very difficult task of going through your Mother's things. I'm glad your dad and you got it kind of level before you left. Yes, he must be stricken more ways in one, not only in losing his wife and his companion, but knowing his own health is deteriorating as well. Guess he probably has anger inside at her leaving him and has taken it out on you at times. I hope you get a chance to get some rest and rebuild your health and energy, both physically and emotionally.

I've missed your presence here. I can't imagine what you shared with us about spreading your Mom's ashes, what that must feel like. You and DEE have been on my mind and in my heart, the irony that the two of you were sharing such a similar experience so many miles apart.

Tara, take care of yourself, concentrate on you now. You deserve it. How is the cigarette thing going? I've really been on my son to quit. I hate to say anything, but I hate to see him gamble with his health, his life. So much cancer in our family.

I'll say good bye for now and again, glad to have you back.

Til next time....

Connie

[clittlelady]

LITTLEBUG:

Rule number one, don't ever apologize for the length of your post. Write a novel if you feel like it. Just let it spill out as you need to. I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. Yes, hormones, hormones HORMONES! They will make you Jackie and Hyde. But this grief we're dealing with, it's a monster all by itself. Bless your heart, you do have both to cope with at the same time, but you can do it. I will be thinking of your tomorrow, for your doctor's visit. You know, the wonderful miracle you are nurturing in your body will make you find a new appreciation for your Mother. Your connection will be stronger than ever, it's a bond death can't sever. I understand how you feel about the grandparents and wanting your child to know who they are and have them share in their life. You may have already thought of this, but if you haven't, here's an idea. Make a journal of all your favorite childhood memories you shared with your Mom. Write them down. When your baby is old enough to read to, you have those special treasures to read to him or her. Do this while your pregnant, when your sadness overwhelms you turn into ink on paper. You won't have enough hours in the day once the little one arrives.

My Mother was my son's only grandparent and he was very close to her. She was in the delivery room with me when he was born. She was 66 years old. She was my rock. He took her failing health and death very hard. She has visited him in his dreams and it was good. I've just had my first dream about her and it was so strange. Oh Well, I always teased her that she loved him more than me. I accused her, lovingly, of spoiling him (and she did!). She would promptly reply I haven't spoiled him, I've just loved him a lot. She kept him while I worked. He never had to attend a daycare. He wrapped her pretty tight! I was so blessed as was he to have her in our lives.

Your child will know your Mother, through you. You will keep her memory alive. You will pass on what she taught you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your chin up.

Til later....

Connie

[clittlelady]

To ALL MY FRIENDS HERE, OLD AND NEW:

My hopes are for a little sunshine through the rain clouds for us all. A little more strength where weakness had it's hold on us yesterday. I wish that peace would wrap it's arms around us and cradle us as our Mothers arms once did. I wish that the sting of heartache would subside. I wish we could trade our sorrow for joy again. I long for our spirits to burst with the feelings of life once more. We cannot turn back the hands of time. We cannot erase how life has unfolded at our very feet and has laid death in our laps. The Journey still continues for us, regardless of how many tears we shed. We must hold on to faith to pull us through the valley grief.

I'll never forget the bittersweetness of what I've lived through in being my Mother's primary Caregiver and experiencing with her the end of this life and the beginning of another. Knowing the day she had lived for had indeed come. She was ready to die. She saw better things ahead. She saw a better place where she would have a new body, flawless and free from illness and age and her mind completely restored. As I've said here before, if she could bear the pain of childbirth to bring me into this world, surely I could bear the pain of attending to her needs as she was slipping away, leaving this world. She left her mark here for sure. Me.

[cantbelieveit]

Good morning all, Just checking in. I have been having some dreams lately little bits of mom but alot of old friends, boyfriends etc. Not sure what any of it means. I feel like in my past everything that happened my mom was there, so even if the dreams don't directly involve her she was there somewhere in real life. Just wanted to share and also wish everyone well..

Littlebug, you take care and thanks again for sharing with us what you are going through. It makes me feel stronger so that if I do ever have a child I can at least count on this board for support and insight.

I can relate to alot of these situations my mom will not be here if I have a child, I see the car that she wanted to buy and feel like she got robbed of even such a thing as that. Things which she deserved and should have had in her life. Even though with out them she was happy and a wonderful person who enjoyed life to the fullest of her capability. There were things I wanted to do for her or get her but just couldn't but I know she loved us all and appreciated even the smallest of things. Thanks for reading my post.

Clittlelady thank you for your words to all of us that was something else.

I wish everyone some peace in their day even just moments of a happy feeling or memory to get you through.

[tara12]

hELLO everyone ,

I am so damn tired all the time , its driving me a little mad and making me feel like throwing in everything..... but I can't and so I am exhausted and trying to keep it all happening , whist figuring out how to lighten the load and make things work better......... all damn hard when your in grief ... and i think actually the tiredness and insomia are a result of grief ........ it is now 3 mths since mum died and it seems like yesterday still , but more tiring and more confusing maybe ... now the original adrenaline numb is gone , but it seems endless, the ashes , the arrangements , the dealings with insurers and wills and crap .......

and now my dad , and the same things , dealing with socail services , finding him help , dealing with his tantrums and his grief and anger and fear and confusion and loniliness , and all alone ..... to do this is so hard , clean mums things , oragnising , all the time........ leaves us no time to just be , to feel , to relate , its awful..... i live 1200 miles away , so its expensive each visit and hot and hard and full of stuff......... and then I have no breaks , ack to work ,exahusted ,everyone else talking about their fun wekends , holidays , ect...... me , I am just tired .. and then its the routine and the work here ahhhhhhhhhh. im so over it ........ but cant be , thats the thing , somehow , we all have to find a way to go on and move forward and let go and heal and face the duties and the things we have to do and feel to do with some grace and some compassion and somehow also ask and trsut we will be helped and supported thru , even when we feel we can not go on.......... i wish this for us all , may we all find joy again , may we all be free from pain and suffering and let go .may we all be helped and supported where we need it ... may we feel the love of this unviverse ...... and know our loved ones are ok..........

x

[littlebug]

To all of the cyber aunts & uncles,

My Doctor's visit went great yesterday. I am 6 weeks into this and she is due September 30th. (I really believe it will be a girl for some reason) My doc said everything looked great and I shouldn't have any problems this time. I am so relieved, even though I know I have a long way to go yet. Thank you guys for your support.

I hope everyone is feeling better. You all are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You do feel like a second family that I've never met. : )

[littlebug]

clittlelady,

I like the idea of journal writing. I have thought about starting one about the pregnacy. But I really like the idea about writing one about mom to. I think I might do both. That is a good idea.

As you may have already read, the Doctor's visit went good yesterday. He said everything was fine. I was so releaved. While I was waiting on him, I felt like my mom was right in the room with me. I did start crying, I wanted her there so bad. But I had some peace about it because it really felt like she was sitting right beside me.

You were so blessed to have your mom with you through the birth of your child. You never really realize how much we really need them until their gone. After I lost my dad 1 1/2 years ago, I swore I wouldn't take my mom for granted. That I would do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. But it is so easy to just fall into your old routine again. I did whatever she needed me to do, but I wish I would have talked more and went out and done more with her. God, I miss her so. My sister-in-law told me yesterday that mom had told her a week before she died, that she was afraid that I could never have any children. Because I have had so much trouble in the past. She wanted to see me to have 2 or 3. And i'm so mad that she's not here to see this. I believe she knows. But it's not the same as seeing her enjoying this. I do think that she is watching over me, making sure everything goes alright for me though.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update aunt Connie. I hope you have a great day and are feeling at peace.

[charsmom2]

Clittlelady

Thank you so much for the idea or writing a journal. I am going to do just that! I wish I would have thought about doing this before, but better late than never. My due date is today, Feb 1st. If I don't have the baby before the 7th they will be inducing me. So about a week away! So many feeling just keep flooding through me it is crazy.

Littlebug,

I just want to wish you the best during your pregnancy. I should remember your due date, since that is my birthday! Great time of year.

For everyone -

I have a question. Have any of you ever contacted a medium/psychic? My grandma (mom's mom) wanted to know if I was interested in maybe doing this. I am very interested, but I was curious if anyone has ever done this. And if you have how do you go about finding a reputable one?

[littlebug]

cantbelieveit,

Good morning. I hope that you will have a child someday. And I want you to know that I believe that everyone will be here to support you to. We are your second family. I will be here if you ever need to talk.

As far as your dreams go, someone once told me when I had a dream about my mom, that it wasn't a dream at all, that she came and visited me. So, maybe your mother did the same to you. Maybe it was a visit. I feel the same as you about your mother. I wish I could have done more, bought her more things, etc. I think maybe we all feel like this. But, I am starting to think that our mother's were just thankful for us being there and being healthy. I think they are still aware of what we go through and will help us in any way they can. Hang on to that thought. I know this helps me some. Our mom's could be up there right now talking about us getting to know eachother. Who knows? I hope you have a good day.

[littlebug]

charsmom2,

I hope all goes well with your delivery. Wow, you are almost there. I am happy for you. So, my due date is your birthday? That's great!

I haven't seen a medium, but I have heard of some people doing that. I guess it's worth a try. What could it hurt? Have you been on the visions/ADC's board? I have learned alot from people on there. There is a lady in there that has helped me alot, seekingsolace. She seems very knowledgeble about that kind of stuff. I think she has helped a lot of people. I don't think she would mind me mentioning her name.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you in delivery. Keep us posted.

[clittlelady]

CHARSMOM2:

Your Welcome! You're in the amens of your pregnancy. Wow. I'm excited for you. What a wonderful way to start the new year, with a new life. I hope all will be well with you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I know you feel the absence and emptiness without your Mother, but just believe she's with you in spirit.

Okay, Guilty. I'll admit, a few years ago I went to a psychic. She's reputable. She's been in our town forever. I was going through some personal drama in my life and even though I've always been skeptical about the validity of psychics, or at least the majority, I went anyway. I went by myself. This lady told me things about me that there is no way she could have known unless she was for real. She told me of things that have happened in my life and things that were yet to happen. The truth is, once I left there, I was kind of in shock, that she was legitimate. I was suppose to go back, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. We were suppose to light candles and do something else, but I thought, what if she tells me something I don't want to know. I decided to leave it there.

On the Visions and Dreams forum, I did correspond with CARE4U who has a gift. She gave me a message from my Mother and I believe it to be accurate and authentic.

I guess I'm a believer in the good and the evil. I'm careful what I open myself up to, because not all gifted people have received their gift for the good of others. So if you choose to do it, investigate as best you can the reputation of whomever you are considering contacting.

Take Care.

Connie

[cantbelieveit]

Good evening everyone. I hope your doing well.....

Littlebug, Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel blessed to have found this board and feel like you are all my family. I liked when you said our moms might be up there getting to know eachother, that is how I feel and it makes me feel good to think about it. I wish you well in your pregnancy and just your everyday life. Keep posting. Be well.

Septemberspain are you out there? Miss you :>)

Joseph where are you? Where is our update????

Tara take care of yourself you have been through alot and I am thinking of you.

EVERYONE else.....I am sorry I have to go for now will check back in later....

[josephb]

well i went down and got the memorial set up at the nursing home and it's going to be next week.i want to say something, but i have no idea what to say.guess i have about a week to figure it out

[septemberspain]

Good Morning All,

I've just been reading for the last few days. Really going thru some crazy emotions. I guess this is one of those back in the dark, gloomy side days that I have heard about. Just wanted you to know I'm here and I'm keeping up with everything happening and I'll be posting soon.

Robbin

[septemberspain]

(((((Joseph))))) Really good to hear from you! Happy to see you are going to do the memorial for your mom. Don't worry to much about what to say, you still have time and you have alot of things to gather your thoughts on. I have confidence in you that words won't escape you. (smile)

Robbin

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

I know that what ever you say at the memorial will be from your heart. Your Mother would be proud to know that you're honoring her in this way. I hope that you will feel a peace, as if her arms were around you in an affectionate embrace, that only a Mother can give. Remember the Good. Don't let anything or anyone overshadow that. I'll be thinking of you. Let us hear from you again.

Connie

[josephb]

damn i miss my mom.you know there are times when i can put it out of my head that my mom is gone and other times it's all i can think about

[deewithgreeneyes]

I am back on line again. Can't say much other than the truth. Ended up in a hospital for the past 4 days...major depression. Am off to a mandatory grief support group in about 15 minutes. Will be on line later, love, you guys...Dee

[tara12]

DEE , I am gald your back , cause your our friend , I am so sorry you been in hopsital , what happened ? did u self admit , collapse , people take u ? did u do anything hurtful to self , i hope not and hope they helping and nurturing you . I am not sure hopsitals are the best places for real nurturing , not pysch hopsitals , and also understand how u end up in one , cause I been there myself ........ BUT WISHING THERE is another way for you . IS THERE....... can u even think to book into a healing retreat , one where your pampered and massaged and can have counselling andget food made for you thats healthy and when u have slpet enough , go for walks in nature ... a place like this would be better. really , somehwere with healers , where u can also get somehelp to sleep and herbals ...... i know u will know what u need , maybe ? but on reflection of howI did that road , i now think i wish I had done it different and if i had known , this is what i could have done maybe..............

I am very unwell.... i have had a very acute attack of vomiting and not well myself.........

talk soon

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Tara, well I kind of went into a state of shock when the police came and told me...went to the hospital. Did OK until the funeral and then I lost it.

Severe depression. I don't have $$$ and I don't have insurance so going to a nice place is out of the question. Yes, I was in a psyche hospital....never again. The doctor let me out saying I didn't belong there. He said within the past 6 months of my life my mom dying, my heart attacks and Michelle's death would be enough to push anyone over the edge in depression. To be honest I was actually thinking about suicide. Not anymore though, my son said if he lost me now it would take him under. He thought he was going to grow old with his sister. Have to go honey, I am very tired. Love you, Dee

[tara12]

DEE ,

yeah , I UNDERSTAND, I DODNT HAVE THE DOLLARS either , nor anyone who cared enough about me , sothats why I eneded up in pysch ... AND SAME THING , anyone would have givent he same situation ........ that is the problem , we dont just go nuts for no reason , or get depressed for no reason........

I am sure , absolutely , anyone in your sitauation would feel these things , hell , u wouldnt be a human........ but , now , you have people , like me , here , to try help u through it , ok /;; u can get throuhg this , **** as it may feel and hard and like why even bother , but u can and it can be ok , and like u said your SON NEEDS YOU .... SO U GOT NO OTHER CHOICE HONEY ...... and even if you had noone , still u got no choice , cause we all got to make the best of what we face , we alone , in the end , have to deal with the cards we get given ..... and we either give up , lie down and give in ..... or we decide to try go deeper and find heart and live ..... u WILL DO THIS I KNOW.... i sense it in you ...your a spritual being a warrior and a healer ..........trust this , somehow ,feel this , know .... the universe is there for you , holding you .it loves you , really ............. even though it must seem the opposite right now.... even though you may think what I am saying is stupid ......

I send you light and love and rainbows ........ feel love. let the sadness out , cry , swear , whatever , rage , its ok ...... we are here , I am here.......

the ocean is free , trees are free , let nature help u as well . ask for help , ask for massages ,ask , ask , ask ,...... u deserve it.

[josephb]

i keep on having these dreams where my mom is alive and sick and i end up either getting into a conflict with someone or getting into a fight with someone

[clittlelady]

DEE:

It means so much to hear from you again, even though you're in a dark hour, I'm glad you made a moment to post. For the Love of God and all that is holy, you're entitled to FEEL what you're feeling. I know it's just my opinion, but it's GRIEF, it's EMOTIONAL TRAUMA. You have lived through SO much in a short period of time, how could you feel anything but broken? I'm sorry you've been in the hospital and I'm just guessing that was anything but pleasant. Group Therapy sounds like something you should be involved in, to have personal contact with others who share in what you're going through. My heart breaks for you. I'm so glad your son got the message through to you how very important you are to him in his life. When my brother died, I had to keep reminding my Mother that she had four other kids who still needed her as their Mother. All I can say is she was a fighter. She suffered emotional melt downs many days, but the important thing to try to remember is, to stay within the boundaries, let it out, however you have to, but fight not to let it consume and control you. You still have to live. You have to maintain YOUR health, especially with limited medical resources (no insurance, etc.). I'm going to get a little more personal and ask you, and if you don't want to answer, I understand. Are you taking antidepressants? If not, in the situation your're in with your heart and all, I think it would be a good idea. I was so reluctant to do that myself, but finally conceded to my Doctor's wishes. I'm taking Paxil. I do believe it is helping me and I don't feel drugged. Grief is just bigger than we are and I've decided it doesn't have to be a life long prescription, but for now, it helps me fight and keep moving forward. I haven't been where you are. All I can relate it to, is living with my Mother and witnessing first hand how she went through so many different phase of grieving my brother. Talking about him was so important for her. Remembering and talking. She actually enlarged so many snapshots of him, 8x10s, 11x14s, had them everywhere, wall to wall. Her home became a shrine to him. She went through that for several years and then, eventually she began to take some down and make scrap books and wrote to him in a journal. Every year, on the anniversary date of his accident she would put up a cross at the site to memorialize him. I don't know if any of this helps. But I just want you to know, you CAN go on. My mother touched many lives following that point of her life, did a lot of good for people, befriended the less desirables (as society would categorize them). Had she not gone on beyond my brother's death, those people would never have known her and her goodness. She visited nursing homes, the shut ins and forgotten elderly, sang to them, loved them, brought a little bit of happiness to their closed in lives. All of this is just to say that Your life still has purpose. But you are so entitled to live through your feelings and emotions that you have to face now. THROUGH is the key word. You are daily in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more DEE. You've been a friend to me here. I appreciate you. You ARE important.

Connie

[swede1]

Dear Dee,

Oh, you poor woman! As if you haven’t been through enough already! Thank goodness for that doctor, being wise enough to let you out – “never again” is right! And he’s right, of course – with what you’ve been through in such a short time yet….of COURSE you’d be depressed, AND feeling suicidal. BUT….you just hang on tight to what your son said, and his feelings about you! It may not seem like enough, but the fact that you have even ONE person in your life who feels that way about you, is pure GOLD. When I felt the same way, the first time, my husband said virtually nothing about it. The second time I felt that way, he was depressed as well and just AGREED with me that we should do away with ourselves! And the third/last time, all he said was, “Then maybe you should go and see a counselor,” and got me a pamphlet….never phoned FOR me, never offered to take me there. So I had to do it by myself, for myself. His lack of deep concern at that time was part of the REASON I was feeling that way. So you just focus on the fact that your son has said he needs you around, wants you around ( as we do, too! ) and go from there, one tiny step at a time. And if you have no funds for nice things like massages, maybe you can just take a nice soak in the tub with some chamomile in it, or something simple and non-exerting like that. Rest, sleep if you can, and don’t forget your vitamins.

And I found a chant I thought might help you in your grief. I don’t know who the author is, but it’s from that book, “Animals as Teachers and Healers”:

“Never the spirit was born.

The spirit shall cease to be never.

Never was time.

It was not.

Ending and beginning are dreams.

Birthless an deathless and changeless.

Remain the spirit forever.

Death has not touched her at all.

Death though the house of him seems.”