Loss of a Mother

[tara12]

DEE ,

hello and hoping your well , feeling ok and not totally overwhelmed , know it is all going to be ok if you can ..........

wondering if i can do anything ? I can certainly send prayers and am , hope that is ok ....... as much as I can ..... I have light a candle and asking for the love of the universe to embrace your girl and hold her close in this clear love , that is the essence of allof us ... I am asking for her to be free from all sufferings fo the worlds and to find reslease and freedom and to go towards the next stage with no fear... I KNOW SHE WILL based on what u say .... she was a good person with many wonderul qualaties and am sure she will and is being led to her next stage.... TRUST THIS AND KNOW all the prayers of your friends and family and even strangers like me indicATE SHE HAD EXCELLENT KARMA... just was her time and way , sad for us , too early it seems , but we know , all to well , none of us know our time or how., not much comfort perhphs right now , BUT i KNOW you will find a way to see it in a big way and maybe already do and u will feel the huge depth of the love ......... it is profound , let this go deep and spend time opening and surrendering ...

this message is for all of us really , let us all be healed and free and let our loved one go to the light of love. and know its ok..........

love u all

[septemberspain]

Good afternoon everyone, Welcome to those I have not had the opportunity to welcome. You are among a group of caring loving people.

Boy where do I start, It's been a few days of silence on my end I've been reading trying to get things right so if I screw this up or use the wrong name I'm just letting you know in advance Swede1 and I have the same type of memory giggle. Oh wait they've change the board so now I can see more than just the one post so I can scroll down and help save a few brain cells(smile)

Littlebug Oh my I'm going to be a cyber aunt CONGRATULATIONS!!! I always get excited at the news of pregnancy well not always just as long as I'm not the one getting this news LOL. Your mom and dad already know they have direct connect to you and they know and proably before you realized it LOL When will the baby be born? Just know your emotions and hormones will be just a little off ok maybe more than what you are use to but just know you have a support system here that will get you thru the rough times now as far as your cravings just as long as they don't get too weird I'll help you eat a little bit of them LOL! Anyway keep us posted.

Cantbelieveit, I am sorry that you are going thru this My mom closed her eyes in September and I found this board a few weeks after and I know it's helped me so much. When you feel comfortable and you feel up to it tell us about your mom.

Giselle, Connie, Swede, Jenny, Tara, Joseph How are things going? I've been here. I found a letter written by my mom and at first when I read it it HURT me to the core of my being. But my daughter had to remind me that this may have been what my mother was referring to when she asked my forgiveness I have never wanted to talk to my mom so much to really find out IF this letter was what she actually felt. But then again my daughter just said to burn it and let it go. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that my load is way to heavy right now and if she felt that way so be it it's too late to fix anything. I will always love her and even if I could change the way things happened I know I would have still done everything the way I did. I have no remorse and bitter feelings I just wish she had not been so stubborn.

I hope today is a better day for us all I'm sending out hugs to everyone, I love you guys

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Hi Dee, How are you? I trust that when you read this things will be somewhat smoother for you. I'm just letting you know, you and your family are still in my prayers. And if you ever need to talk or whatever I'm here.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love Robbin

[cantbelieveit]

Septemberspain, Thank you! My mom was so nice, happy, full of life, caring, considerate and funny to say the least. WE did so much together.

She had lung cancer (hadn't smoked in over 22 years and did it socially when she did). She went through those treaments like a soldier at war, tough, strong, determined never showing any sign of doubt or fear. She successfully had the cancer removed from her lung and went on to try and just build up her energy, again never complaining.

3 months later we found out (after 12 hours in 2 different emergency rooms) that the cancer had spread to her brain, so many tumors they could not count them. She had whole brain radiation still surviving still attending parties, BBQ's etc........They can only do so many treatments of that type and can not tell you how long it can last. They said she could have months, years.

In the summer she finally was unable to walk due to her frail state and a tumor on her spine. This woman who my whole life barely sat still, never had more than a slight cough or cold. Still never complained.

Well after a few scares, seizures and days of not much response from her, she finally passed in October.....she was at home. It just hit me this weeeknd very hard. I don't think I allowed myself to truly grieve. I miss her so much and I amafraid of what life will bring now. She was always there for me, we talked daily I truly miss that. Our whole world has changed, she was such a giver she loved all of the holidays.

Thank you for asking and also for reading this.

Thank you all for reading and for your responses. I feel grateful to have found this board.

[tara12]

tonight I go and fly to see my dad and clean my mums things and go get her ashes ect........... it will be tough , but I am ok , so far , today , this moment ...... it is wild and the journey of death is weird huh , when its your mum , when your there to see that last breath go ....... anyway , all of it ....

so , this is where and what i will be doing for the next 5 days , so no emails will be here from me , though i may get to use a friends , but mostly it will be hard stuff and alone ... but I am trying to feel supported and loved in this universe , as we are , truly.....

i had a huge cry the other day , really big , for my mum , for my dad , for me..... first time in ages and was so good finally to let go ...... feel and move it out ..... awww

my heart is there for u all / we are all on a journey , let it lead us to greater love and greater undersatnding and wisdom , try not to allow it to create yourselves more suffering ... try bretah and let it go through u and know you are loved always and always connected to everything.

[septemberspain]

Cantbelieveit Thanks for sharing your mom with me. A while ago I believe it may have been back in Dec of last year Some of us wrote about our mom's and memories we have and hold close to our hearts (I think maybe page 9 or somewhere along those pages if you would like to read what was shared). I know the feeling of miss talking to mom. I always talked to her I was so glad when the phone company came up with free long distance calls saved me ALOT of money. It feels so weird not being able to hear her voice. I know after she first died I went thru withdrawal. I use to always joke with her about having ESP because there were so many times when I would think of her or pick up the phone to call her and she was actually already on the phone. I know that I'll never have that connection with no one again and that with in itself hurts. I really don't know right now my whole world just seems to spin whether I'm paying attention or not (smile) but I know I have to hang in there "Joy cometh in the morning.". Well, hope today was easier for you.

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Tara,

I will be praying for you as you go on this journey. I know it may be a unpleasant trip with all that you have to accomplish. Just know I'm sending you extra hugs and strength.

Love

Robbin

[cantbelieveit]

Tara, I will hold good thoughts in my mind for you. Thank you for sharing. Be easy on yourself.

Septemberspain, Thank you again, and you must have ESP with me right now because I signed on to ask if you could tell me where I could find out your story. I know exactly what you mean about mom, we did the same thing regarding the phone and phone calls. Yes, that has been a big void. Wish they could call from up there to say hello. Someone recently said that, this board really does bring us close together. The more I read the more I find we have alot in common. When the outside world seems to spin I know Indigo will be here to help bring me some peace.

[kjaceyma]

LITTLEBUG, I am already a real aunt... but I suspect there is no joy like that of being a cyber-aunt.. Congratulations, what a gift!

GISELLE, I went to the gym tonight and ran a mile straight – I’m not sure I’ve ever done that before, honestly. Whenever anyone has wanted me to run a mile before, I was always one of the last to finish…. Ew, those memories still haunt me. But anyway, I’ve gotten back into the gym somewhat since I’ve been back here in Boston… this past fall I was following the South Beach Diet plan and also doing intense workouts 5x per week – that all of course came to a halt in mid-Dec. when I went home and my mom died.

(Ya know how people like to use terms other than “die”? Pass, pass on, pass away, go to a better place.. what are some others, I duno. It’s like people don’t want to be too blunt with us, those who grieve, so they try to soften the language… very few have wanted to utter the words “your mother’s death” to me.)

Anyways, I’d like to get back to “the Beach” (got a message board for that, too), but I know it’ll take some time before I can be totally dedicated to that again.. it takes a lot of concentration. And I don’t want to push myself too much right now and make myself feel badly about what I am or am not eating.

SWEDE1, I’m not sure my mom ever really *knew* me like I wanted her to… but then again, it is possible that I didn’t share enough of myself with her for that to happen. I do know for sure that she never, ever stopped loving and caring for me, even when I feel like I was mean to and/or very distant from her (which was esp. true the last few months).

So I was wondering, why is this site called Beyond Indigo? Is it referring to that color of the rainbow?

Such extreme emotions... I was telling my dad tonight, I could have a day that goes like this: Wake up, be groggy for a while and cranky at work, then later on get all this energy and be excited, then come home from work and cry for 20 minutes, then go have an ice cream party and laugh like crazy with my roommates.

Ya know what, I hope I get to have a daughter of my own one day…

[groy58]

Everyone

Late night here, I hope that you all have had a good day. I came in this evening from work and was just going to take a quick nap and just woke up at about 10:30p.m. I think that my sleep pattern is so messed up I will never get back on track no matter how hard I try, smile.

Thanks Kjaceyma and to everyone for being so supportive of my new exercise life. I am in no way shape or form in any great shape. I have only been working out for four weeks now and it is still driving me, smile. I have not moved these old 47 year old muscles in a very long time and they are in shock. My oldest son said if my muscles could talk they would ask me what happened to our deal of not working out? smile. But I have got to start somewhere and at sometime. I do not want to live the rest of my life dangerously out of shape.

Tara; I know I have missed being able to send you off. But know that I am praying that you will have a decent trip and that you will at least get to check us out once while you are away so that you will know we are standing with you no matter what the trials of the coming days may bring. Hope to hear from you again soon.

Dee; If you are reading this I miss you and wish you love my sister!

Robbin and Connie; did you get emails from me last night? I attempted to send you both a really good flash but did not see it under my sent list, so afraid it may be in cyber-space.

Littlebug; you should know that you are yet another blessing to all of us. You have already given us yet another purpose to go on (the birth of your little one) I like that cyber-aunt thing my sisters have come up with. What a wonderful family network we are building. Not sure if you are aware that I lost my mother November 4, 2005. (Note to all are new kinship – Cantbelieveit, if you would like to read more about the stories of most of our mothers. Those post are just back a few pages and you will find them. The sharing of our mothers spirits has really united us in a close circle of friendship that has proved to be my daily strength, and please feel free to tell us all about your mom, no matter the circumstance) I understand totally the void feeling of wanting to talk with my mother, hear her voice, feel her touch. The odd thing is how these feelings just seem to wash over me without rhyme or reason.

Swede; you know I am old (and most of the time in this strange fog) and it took me a minute to figure out fur-child but I understand now, smile. I agree that you and Connie could be Lucy and Ethel; hey they were real good together! Do you know that Dee is or at least was working with wolves? You should check out some of her post it is very interesting the work she was planning to do that is. I have you with kittens, Connie with horses and Dee with wolves. I myself have a chow breed dog named ‘shaft” he is a bad mother (shut your mouth, but you can dig it, just talking about shaft, smile) If you are old enough you will know what all of that just meant, Ha, ha….

Connie; I know PT can hurt worse than the pain they are attempting to cure you of. I’ve had some back problems and PT myself and I am going to try and build my strength with my exercise program. Take it easy girl and don’t overdo. I was thinking about the conversations you have with your son about your own death. I do the same thing about the business of it you know, with my two sons’. We as humans do not like to think of dying that way but there is lots of just plain old business that has to be dealt with at that time and that is just reality. No one would insure my mom with all the health issues she had so she paid dearly for what little we could get. I am thankful that we had what we did. I now will only have her headstone to pay for and I plan on purchasing that in February. How is your husband doing?

Robbin, girl I missed hearing from you today. Did you get my email about that letter from your mom? You daughter and brother are right. How is the rest of you family?

Eulaha, Joseph and anyone that I have missed, hope to hear more from you soon.

As always I send you peace love and God’s grace and mercy! I get to writing and forget you do not have all day to spend reading, smile

Later,

Giselle

[littlebug]

Septemberspain, clittlelady, swede1 and kjaceyma,

I love the idea of the "cyber aunt" and "surrogate aunts" that is great!!

Hearing you guys say that has made my day. Thank you. I'm glad I have so many cyber and surrogate aunts for my baby. I will keep you guys posted on my progress. But, Please keep me in your prayers. Three years ago I had a miscarrage, and I'm a little worried about going through that again. At the same time I feel that my mother will make sure everything will be fine.

Septemberspain, I think my due date will be toward the end of September. If I'm right, I am close to 5 weeks right now. I have a Doctor's appointment on the 31st. And I can't wait. As far a cravings go, last night I ate garlic bread and popcorn. What a combination, huh? Can you handle that? : )

You guys are great!

[swede1]

Connie,

I,(as well as Giselle, I now see ) also tried to send you an email yesterday, but don't think it went through, either. Can you let me know? ( it was all about trtmts. for bulging discs )

[septemberspain]

Littlebug I AM SO EXCITED!!!! my cyber niece or nephew will be born around my birthday. I was born September 22nd. I can relate to your fear of having a miscarriage I suffered 4 ectopic pregnancies many moons ago. But just know that this precious life you are carrying will be alright. See right now this baby has a mission and a purpose to fufill in life. Already this baby will be adding joy and happiness in your life and the lives of those around him or her. And just take comfort in knowing this baby will be alright. And as far as "our" first craving........ I can handle them (ok note to those of y'all working out and excercising I am not into the excercise thing when I'm at work I'm on my feet 10-14 hours a day and I'm never still so I sort of have this tiny agreement with my body. If it continues to act right and it keeps me active then I won't mention Me and excercise in the same sentence) and so far in the 45 years we've had that agreement things have been good! I know the moment I start saying ok I'm going to start working out and excercising my body is going to cancel the agreement, I'll gain weight and then arthur rittes will take up residence in my knees. Sorry, I got a little carried away with the jokes but it's the truth! (smile)

Giselle, I am sorry. Yes I did get your e-mail it was so beautiful and thought provoking played it a couple of times just to reflect on this last year alone. Thanks girl!!! As far as the letter goes, well I've put it up and when the day comes and I have a few extra brain cells to occupy I'll deal with it then but right now... girl please! I am not ready to bring or add more to this pot of mixture called life. I really gave a lot of thought to burning it, but nope I'm not ready for that. I keep telling myself that I should just get rid of it and keep it moving but my mom raised me that if you have a problem with something you take it to that person and as soon as the weather warms up enough here for me to go to the cemetary I'm going to take that letter and go there and just let it all out. I know the chances of her answering any questions are zero and none I just know me and feel so strongly that the only proper way to release it and the feelings is so go to her. (OK please anybody reading this don't send the people in the white coats I'm fully aware of what I'm saying) My daughter is in NC with her sweetie and the rest of the gang (brother & sisters) well we're still travelling on this journey and I know with God's grace & everlasting mercy when we reach a point on the other side of this mountain we are climbing I can only pray that the 4 of us are standing together and a lot closer than the way we started out when mom first died.

Kjaceyma I too hate the akward way people try to avoid saying the word death. I know when my mom first died people would say "Oh I'm so sorry you lost your mother" and I would correct them and tell them she's not lost my mother died then I explained further how I hated the term loss/lost because she's not misplaced I know where she is so I think my bluntness helped people in that sense. I was just talking to a friend this morning and I was talking about the time frame from when she was first diagnoised until the time of her death and my way of dealing head on with it all. I told her I felt that from the moment the doctors told me what was wrong with my mom. THAT was when I started to prepare myself for her leaving me forever.

Josephb Where ya at???? Just wanted you to know I'm missing you and hoping things are better for you.

Wait did I just read that Connie & Swede1 are now know as Lucy and Ethel chuckling .... That is too much (laughing) Now just when you think you've seen it all hahaha. I use to watch Lucy all the time and I don't know who made me laugh harder Lucy or Ethel but the one thing about those 2. They had a real deep and loyal friendship and the love they shared for each other was what friendship and love should be like.

Jenny How is everything going? You are missed here hope things are about as well as one can expect.

Well I know this is way too long so I'm going to talk to you all later and here's wishing that today is one day closer to getting some of the old you back.

Later

Robbin

[josephb]

my grandma said the other day that if it wasnt for me, she would of only seen my mom 2 to 3 times total when mom was in hospice.how cold is that?

[charsmom2]

Littlebug,

I just wanted to say congratulations!! I found out I was pregnant just a few days before my mom passed. I need got the chance to tell her. We are expecting a girl in the next week or two. I have spent most of my pg crying because my mom won't be there to experience this with me. This is my second child so at least she was there for my first time, but all in all it is still hard thinking of her not being ther to help me through. The only thing that is great is that I know this little baby has a wonderful angel looking over her. And from what I hear, our baby's get to spend time with all our loved ones in heaven before they are born. Just gives you a little piece of mind. I wish you well with this pregnancy and treasure every moment the best you can.

[mamasgirl]

Hi, it's mamasgirl, and I'm having trouble posting. I clicked Post Now the first time I made my entry - nothing, and then I wrote in again and clicked "post now" still nothing - what am I doing wrong?

[septemberspain]

mamasgirl before posting I always hit ctrl c to copy my post then ctrl v to paste it it helps to save it so you won't lose anything. There is a feature on this site that times out after 30 minutes but I think it's shorter than that.

Hope this helps

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Charsmom, Congratulations on the up coming birth of your daughter. Have you thought of any names yet?

[septemberspain]

Hi Joseph, It's good to see you. In response to your Grandma's comment. She could have been saying a few different things. She could have been trying to tell you because of you, you gave her time or made her take time to go see your mom. Or she could have been saying that if it hadn't been for you she may have not gotten the chance to see your mom those times because of something. Any way you look at it, and I'm not trying to be harsh or judgemental but The fact of the matter can not be change or can anything be done now to change what has been done. You have enough to deal with in your own grief as opposed to trying to figure out what this person means or why did they say this. Just know that what has happened can't be undone and you are in no way a mind reader to try to figure out the what ifs or the should haves. Sometimes GUILT causes people to act weird and YOU have enough to deal with instead of trying to figure out all the other small details of why someone other than yourself is going through these feelings. I'm sorry I just dislike when someone tries to ease their conscience (yeah I know it's spelled wrong lol) but don't unload your feelings onto someone that already has a tough job trying to deal with what they have been handed. Like I said earlier I apologize now if I over stepped my bounds but as you can probably tell my mouth is OUTOFCONTROL!!!!

Robbin

PS OK maybe someone without a smart mouth such as mine can answer with some tact!

[clittlelady]

CHARSMOM: Congratulations on your second pregnancy..... I'm sorry there has had to be sad times involved during this time. But what a blessing to know surely as life leaves this earth, new life comes in. I really don't have the energy to share too much about my Mother right now. You can review posts back to abou 9/15 in this forum and difficult backgrounds forum as well about my story, if you wish. Lot of family turmoil as well as my Mother dying. She died August 30th and I'm her only daughter, four older brothers. The day before we buried her, one of my brothers was seeing his third granchild born, just a few blocks from the funeral home, life was coming in. It was such a bizarre feeling, but I know that's the way it has to be. It was a very real reminder, this is the way it all goes. I wish you the very best.

LITTLEBUG:

I have so many nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. Everyone is precious reminders of innocence and love. They range in ages. I can tell you, since my Mother died in August, I've had my twin nieces, eight years old, spend time with me several times through the holidays. They lost their dad when they were four or five... He was actually murdered. But they believe he had a heart attacked and died. That's the way their mom handled that. To much tragedy for young hearts. When they stayed with me last, they begged to take them to their dad's grave (picture on grave stone, handsome 26 year old man). I gave in and did just that. They were comforting me about my Mother... Telling me how he was in heaven with my Mother and we would see them again. They were telling me, it's okay to have sad days, but remember the good times more. I couldn't get over their sweet little spirits. One of the twins has visits from her dad. She asked me have I had visits from my Mother yet? I told her no..... She said that's okay, she'll come when you need her. So with that.... I had to cry... So I'll tell you the same.... Your mother will be there when you need her, one way or the other... God Bless You... Keep us posted....

Connie

[clittlelady]

SWEDE1 AND GISELLE: I haven't been home long enough to check my emails, but I will tonight.... I'm still in court right now.

SWEDE1.... I just didn't really report on the MRI.... really forgot about that topic, when Dee's tragedy hit... That's really all I could think about. Will share with you more, later about what I've been told, so far and the physical therapy I've been doing....Oouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... I have sore parts that I didn't even knew I possessed!

JOSEPH: Honey, don't know what your grandmother really meant by telling you that. I don't know the depth of their relationship, your Mother and she. If it was strained, maybe she was telling you, she was doing it for you because that was the best way she knew how of conveying to you that you mean something special to her or if she couldn't have done it without you, because you were her strength? Your grandmother sounds like a distant person who is stingey with her feelings or showing them. But I'm with Robbin on this one, Don't try to figure it out. If it hurt you, then she obviously didn't pick up on that, either wasn't in tune to your feelings or just didn't care. I'm so outside on this, I just couldn't begin to guess. If you feel like there is any relationship there to salvage or that you want to, then put it all out there, tell her what you feel, get things understood, maybe resolved. But if you think it's a dead end, and I can understand from some of the other things you've shared, where you might feel it that way, then set it up on a shelf and give it some time, but don't close any doors. Prioritize what you want to work on in dealing with this grief and getting through your life. Set goals for yourself and start working on them, if you haven't already.

Joseph, I've missed you. What have you been doing? Are you working? Going to School? Contemplating it? Do you have a partner? Girl or Guy, doesn't matter to me, just wondered if you have someone close in that kind of relationship to share with. Guess I'm getting in your business here, not meaning to be nosey, just wanting to know that you're doing something for YOU.

Tell me, if I'm too far out there.... You won't hurt my feelings.

Til next time.... Connie

I'm trying to talk with everyone, but have to get back to the court thing... talk later....

Connie

[cantbelieveit]

Hello all...

Septemberspain,

I did go back and read about your mom. A lot of parts made me smile and think of my mom. Thanks for sharing. This is a great board and I am trying to get to know people I just did some reading now and I am trying to keep up. There is a lot going on and I think it is a great place.

Littlebug....I think the support here for you is wonderful, like I mentioned I don\'t have children and wanted badly to at the end of mom\'s being really ill and I couldn\'t figure out why then, why all of a sudden I felt so strongly about it.

I know that she will be watching over me if it ever did happen just like I know that you have many watching over you and obviously alot on this board. That is great. Be well and take care of yourself.

[cantbelieveit]

Swede1......

I wanted to thank you for your post. I just read it again. There is so much that we all feel and it just amazes me all of the sharing here. I feel so lucky to have found this board. What a great place to share and make contacts with people who know how you feel.

You are right in saying that if someone has not gone through it they can not truly understand.

The fact is we all grieve differently but then again we are all grieving. So this support is priceless.

[kjaceyma]

And ya know what else?

I am beginning to hate that look of pity from friends, acquaintances, coworkers. That pained expression that is supposed to convey how much someone cares about you and your situation. So pained themselves, of course, or so it would seem. I dunno, I guess I'm just tired of feeling weak and exposed. I'd like to talk about myself and my mom in a different way... conveying that of course I'm hurting but this is a part of my life now that will remain with me forever. My mom will remain with me forever.

I know I'm going to lose my anonymity here, but I'd invite you to take a look at my picture page (which I originally created to evidence my weight loss): http://www.flickr.com/photos/84208438@N00/

Love to everyone*

Kelly

[eulaha]

I am having a difficult time getting my mom's medical records, specifically the record of the night she died. I want to know exactly what the EMT workers did to try to save her life (on her death certificate it said she was D.O.A.). I filled out a release of information form months ago, and still, nothing. It may have something to do with the fact that I live in New York and my mom lived in California. Does anyone have any suggestions? I want to know what happened, so I can feel at peace.

[blue202]

Although seemingly quiet of late, I am still sending out all my heart, hopes, and healing - especially to Dee, during this enduring time, Connie, Giselle, Tara (who I hope is going ok with her dad), Joseph, Robbin and to the newer members of our supportive and caring family - Littlebug, Cantbelieveit,kjaceyma, Eulaha and Mamasgirl !

It was 3 weeks yesterday (Wednesday) since I kissed my mother goodbye.

The funeral was a blur - as people have expressed a feeling of 'just going thru the motions'. The reallity didnt hit until we returned home without my beautiful and oh so loving mother.

I truly truly miss her so much that the pain hurts like the day she died.

I have been reading everyones posts every night, but I have felt so numb towards my own grief at times, that I can only cry for all of your hurt I read on here.

Yesterday was a really down day for me. Dad and I sat out the front in the sunshine, having a cuppa - and remembering how we use to do that daily with my mum. It made us cry.

Who ever said that the gried and pain can again just wash over you life a heavy wave of emotion was NOT WRONG !!!

Some days I feel almost normal, and get on with life... then it hits and I come crashing down.

I am still staying with my dad, my two little boys 3&4yrs are now staying here as my defacto has gone back to work for another 3 weeks away. I know my sons are helping my dad get out of bed each day -as he told me he would rather be with my mum, albeit that means he too would be dead.

His love is SOOOOOOOOOO deep. He was 16 when they met.. and hes only just turned 54. I am afraid to leave him. Yet, we cant live here forever.

We both go grievance counselling tomorrow (separately) so I hope this is a step on the long road to healing and dealing with this pain.

To all of you - I send the biggest, warmest hugs to say thank you for being such wonderful, supportive, caring and BEAUTIFUL people.

No matter how we think we may have 'stumbled' on this site - we were all drawn here for a very good reason

"Each Other"

So, travel well throughout your journeys no matter how hard they may be... I pray we will all get to where we are going... (without so many tissues would be even better !! should have bought shares in kleenex!)

So yes, i am still here, you are all in my thoughts

take care

Ranae xx

[blue202]

I apologise if I have left anybody off the well wishes list...

Not intentional xxxxx

[septemberspain]

Hi Ranae, I'm sorry things are really ROUGH for you and the roller coaster ride of emotions is here. When I first came here to this site I was still trying to grasp things that had happened and Connie posted the poem below. It helped me a lot and I'm quite sure Connie won't mind me sharing this with you. May you find some comfort in these words and of course I'm sending you a big HUG!!!

In His hands I put my trust,

I stand in stillness and feel his touch.

When all around me seems so gray,

I bow my head and begin to pray.

Peace is what I ask for, to share with all my friends,

Give us sun and rainbows, help us to live again.

[septemberspain]

Hi Kelly, Thanks for sharing your photo's. Don't worry too much about giving up your anonymity (giggle) I think I "sold" that part of me when we started to share about our mom's and all the craziness that went along with grief. I joked awhile back when I first came here that about all the dirty laundry I aired on this board with total strangers....... but then those strangers have turned out to be the most caring and sensitive people that I have NEVER met in my life, and you know what?????? I WOULDN'T TRADE ANY OF IT !!!! But then again if millions of dollars were at stake LOL I still wouldn't trade my new family......

Hope today is peaceful Robbin xoxoxo

[septemberspain]

Eulaha I really don't have an answer to your question. The only way I am able to see my mother's records is because I obtained a lawyer to look into my mother's situation (They told her she had hemorroids and were treating her for such when she really was stage IV colon cancer) Hopefully someone here can help!

Robbin

[clittlelady]

Eulaha : Hi there.... I don't know what the hospital and ambulance service policies are, but as her daughter, you should be able to present a copy of her death certificate and are entitled to her medical records, all of them. Of course, they will probably charge you a small fee, but you shouldn't need any further assistance. I work in the legal field and in the past, in a hospital records department as a medical transcriptionist. So if things haven't changed too much, that should be all you need. I hope so. I hope you can find what you're looking for.

I'm at work right now, so I'll keep this short, but would love to talk to ALL OF YOU.... later. Miss you guys.

And ROBBIN, thank you for sharing the poem.... I'm glad it's helped someone else....

I'll try to catch up with everyone later... We've been working into the night, so not much time to do anything when I get home except put on my fat clothes and crash..... LOL

Connie

[littlebug]

Septemberspain,

It is quite possible that my baby could be born on your birthday. That's neat. I hope you are doing well today. No odd cravings just yet.

Charsmom2,

Congratulations on your pregnancy as well. I also believe our babies are going to have wonderful angels to watch over them. I know it's hard not having your mother with you through this. I feel exactly the same. But I believe that they are aware of things we are going through. They are always with us. My prayers are with you.

clittlelady,

That is so neat that your niece got a visit from her dad. I am sure she will never forget it. As for you with your mom, I think your niece was right, you will see her when you need her. I believe she is with you right now. The first few weeks after my mom died, I felt her presence around me. She visited me in dreams and once I smelled her perfume around me. But I haven't seen or smelled anything since I found out that I was pregnate. I got a book that someone told me about called "Hello From Heaven". It is an awesome book. It explains ways our loved ones communicates with us after they cross over. It will run chills over you.

Blue202,

My heart goes out to you. I am sending you a big hug. I can totally relate with you. After my Dad died in Feb. 2004, I moved in with my mom. Everyday after I got home from work was the same. We'd sit at the kitchen table and drink coffee for 3 or 4 hours. Nothing was the same after he left. We were lost to death. We did everything to try to occupy our time. But there was always a void. Then this past Thanksgiving I lost her to. I have really felt like giving up. I felt that I didn't have anything else to live for. When it all got to be way to much for me, I found out that I'm pregnate. It has really turned me around. I want to hope that mom and dad helped me out on that one. Try to focus on all the good times you guys had together. I am here for you if you need to talk.

My prayers and thoughts go out to all of you guys.

[groy58]

Everyone

I am coming to you this afternoon asking you all to please pray for my family and I. I have just found out that my mothers sister as been admitted into the hospital. I am not sure of her status yet but does not sound positive. I just started screaming and I am trying to pull myself together before I try to go up to the hospital. My sister said she will drive me. I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. Robbin, Connie I really need you to start this prayer circle for me. I need grace, mercy and strength right now. Will check in when I know more.

Love to you all,

Giselle

[clio31]

Wow...so many posts since the weekend. Don't have alot of time through the week, work is crazy, being tax season and all. I will read and catch up on all posts this weekend. Hope everyone had a moment of joy today. I did...

Jenny

[cantbelieveit]

Blue202, Thank you for welcoming me. My thoughts are with you. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. My mom and dad met when mom was 16, they made it through 44 years of marriage and she passed in the fall. I wish well for your dad, I don't know how my dad does it I think he tries to be strong for us. He makes me want to be stronger. I just miss our old lives. This is one thing you can't change in your life and it stinks.

This weekend I had thoughts and feelings as if it were just yesterday that mom passed. I guess it is just one of the stages of grief. I just do what I can and I can do no more. One day at a time feels right for these situations. You be good to yourself

[septemberspain]

My dear sister Giselle,

Prayers are on the way!!!! I'm praying for your Aunt & Family that all will be well. Remember Psalms 121

Love and prayers your sister

Robbin

[septemberspain]

It's feels kind of weird for me. I read everyones post and I hear the stories of your dad's and it hit me My dad is grieving, I guess that I never really took into account that he was with my mom for 43+ years and even though he did remarry he still loved my mom. And his actions are really catching me off guard because now I think about it he always tried to please my mom and he or should I say she never showed him whether he did or didn't. I know that when he was told about my mothers condition he made a statement that said it all and it's kind of difficult to write the whole thing out but the words that came to mind as I was reading about how hard it is for peoples dads dealing with the death of a person they loved and created beautiful children with He started his statement with "If I could trade places with your mother"...... It just made me realize that He loved her too.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all my dear friends...I have missed all of you and will get cauht up on the postings after this weekend. I am only home for a day and back to Santa Barbara for Michelle's memorial. I must share with all of you that I am terified. I honestly feel that this weekend will be my last weekend of sanity for myself. The paddle out of all the surfer's will be Saturday and the boat ride for her ashes to be disposed at sea on Sunday. I can't bear this and I can't bear to think I will never see, touch, hear my beautiful daughter ever again. To much. I have made an appointment with a "shrink"on Monday. My last ditch effort to stay in this life. I have lost my mom, had 2 heart attacks, now the death of my daughter in 6 months. To much. Can't sleep so I am taking some zanax and a vicodin tonight to knock me out. Michelle's web page has been updated Tara with pictures of her surfing. Still on www.surfline.com, scroll down to her picture or click on news...Thank you so much for writing in her guest book. Kaili will know how much her mom meant to people. Thank you all for your prayers. I will be back on line for seperate comments for everyone. Right now I am exhaustd and sick to my stomach. Can't eat without it going through me or vomitting it up. I LOVE ALL OF YOu. Dee

[blue202]

This is for Dee...

I came across this site with poems about Wolves... hopefully someone with your direct email address will send it to you (hint hint!) incase you dont get chance to get back on here soon..

But they are beautiful, and remind you of the free spirit of these animals...

I know reading them made me feel connected either to their freedom, or the earth somehow... hope they help you my friend...

Wolf Poetry

http://users.ap.net/~chenae/wolfpoem.html

[clittlelady]

DEE: I was so glad to hear from you. I've been worried about you. As I've said before, I absolutely cannot imagine your heartache. And yes, you've been handed too much too soon and you're weak physically and emotionally, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I think counselling is a very good idea. See, your survival instincts are already kicking in. Stay here with us, we will all be here for you, I will. Your very precious daughter is gone and nothing will ever change that, but what would she want for you now? What did she tell you when you lost your Mother? What words did she have for you? You need to reflect on some of her own words of wisdom and wishes, I think you will find strength to carry on in them. Remember, you STILL have a son. HE STILL NEEDS YOU. I hate so very much that this new grief has come to you. These few words have helped me through my last five months without my Mother.

God Grant me SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT CHANGE,

COURAGE to change the things I can and WISDOM to know the difference

You in my thoughts and prayers.

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: I worked late last night and didn't get to read any posts until today. I hope everything is better today. Please let me hear from you, keep us posted on what's happening with your Aunt. And most certainly, my prayers are going up for you and your family right now. I don't know for what reason things happen as they do, but I believe God is with you, as he promised he would be. Keep in you memory that he knows our heart, he knows where we are. We are all in the palms of his hands. Love and Peace to you.

Connie

[deewithgreeneyes]

Blue 202 and everyone...my e mail address is deeappel@cox.net. Thank you so much, I am trying to get some poems together today for tomorrow's memorial. No sleep for days now sp please forgive any erors. I have a few I am thinking about but would love the wolf poems. I really would love that....

1...Michelle, follow me down the path, I will be beside you to guide you and show you the way. I will not leave the member of my pack. Close your eyes and you will see 6 sets of prints. 2 belonging to you, 4 belonging to me...I will be there to guide you. Run Free Niosha (cool rippling water)

2..I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glint on snow, I am sunlight on ripened grain, I am the autumn's gentle rain. When you wake in the morning hush...I am the quiet uplifting rush of birds in flight...Fly high Niosha, fly high. _Please e mail me again deeappel@cox.net....Love, Dee

[clittlelady]

EULAHA, MAMASGIRL, LITTLEBUG, BLUE202, CANTBELIEVEIT, KJACEYMA, CHARSMOM2:

Just wanted you all to know I glad you found this place. I don't know what I would have done, had I not "stumbled" in here one night. I know we're all from different pathways of life, but yet again, we all share the common ground of the grieving process. Our sharing here, is part of our healing. The most intimate part of my life has been laid out here. I'm thankful for each one who shares and cares here. Welcome to you all.

LITTLEBUG and CHARSMOM2: How are you feeling today? Pickles and ice cream???

My pregnancy was a rocky one, but it was well worth it. I just think it's grand the way when your child is small, they think you hung the moon. When they're teenagers, they think you fell from the moon. Now that my son is grown (26), he thinks I deserve the moon. What a wonderful part of life. Hope you both have a good day today.

[septemberspain]

Connie those words are so so so true! I know I felt that way about my parents and now I know my daughter feels the same about me!!! (she tells me that all the time) It bought a much needed smile to my face and my heart.

See this is another reason why I wouldn't trade you for a cool million dollars (Laughter)

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Dee no words from me just a big ole smile and a real long overdue HUG!!!!!!

I'm here

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Giselle, Hope things are ok with you. Let me know if I can help in anyway.

Robbin

[septemberspain]

EULAHA, MAMASGIRL, LITTLEBUG, BLUE202,

CANTBELIEVEIT, KJACEYMA, CHARSMOM2: Just to add to what Connie said

A while ago when I first started on this board I sort of felt that None of us just happened to stumble across this board. I look at it as "OUR" mothers are up in heaven sending us to each other because they've met and "bragged" to each other about their daughters and they knew we would all work wonders for each other *wink

Glad you are all here with us. (I Don't mean that in a negative sense just glad that since we all have to be going thru this at least we have love & support to make our journey's with)

[groy58]

Everyone

Today is a day that the lord hath made and it is well with my soul. Thank you to all of you that have been praying for me and my family. I lost all the will to move in my body and had to go to bed with the aid of medication again. I am home from work today and continuing to try and rest. My aunt Joyce and my mother were very close and she is probably the person that I would say knew my mother best as they shared so much during my mother’s lifetime. I am however happy to report that my aunt Joyce although in the hospital is in good spirits and going through a series of test to figure out the problem. She had a procedure this morning and had several polops removed from her colon and they were able to identify the site of the bleeding and get it stopped. She told me that she just wants to get home and eat (they have had her on a liquid only diet in order to do the test).

I do not have the strength nor mind right now to write much. I will try and write more latter today. I love every one of you my sisters,

Giselle

[septemberspain]

Hey Giselle.

Glad to read your Aunts update. I don't know if you remember but when my mother's sister returned to her home after my mom's death she too was diagnoised stage 1 colon cancer (The same thing my mom died from) She had surgery to remove them and almost 5 months later she is doing great. She told me she "Claimed her Victory" and all has been well since.

Get some rest,

Robbin

[littlebug]

clittlelady,

I'm feeling fine today. The reality of it is still setting in with me. I've been wanting a vanilla milkshake with cool whip in it. That sounds so good today. How are you doing?

Dee,

I am so sorry about your Daughter. My thoughts and prayers have been with you all day today. I checked out her website and she is a beautiful lady. You take care of yourself and just know that we are here for you if you need to talk.

Septemberspain,

I loved what you said about "our" mothers sending all of us to eachother on this site. That really makes sense to me. I mentioned this site to my mom after my dad passed away. And I can see her in heaven now talking about it with the other mom's. I believe that they had a hand in us all being here to. I am so glad to have "not met" you guys. This has really helped me knowing that someone, I don't even know, is out there that is willing to help me.

Groy58,

I'm glad to know your aunt is in good spirits. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. You take care of yourself and hang in there.