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Loss of a Mother


boneca123

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DEE:

My Precious Friend, my sister, I'm absolutely in shock. I cry with you and my heart breaks for all that you are suffering at this moment. I wish I were there to hold you and comfort you. Please know that I am praying for God to pick you up and carry you. Please don't give up. Girl I can't imagine, I just absolutely cannot imagine you having this devastation thrust upon you. None of us know what tomorrow holds for us, But I know who holds tomorrow. I Love you for all that you have been here to each one of us and for who I've come to know as a very special person. DEE, LET US BE HERE NOW FOR YOU. email me at ranaeulibarri@hotmail.com if you wish to talk personally AT ANY TIME, I'll send you my phone number via email.

Your Friend.... Connie

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deewithgreeneyes

Thanks all of you, I love you all. I will e-mail you guys personally. Right now I am under some heavy sedatives. I can't see a future without Michelle. I will send you her website they are starting for her. You can find it on surfline.com. My ex just called and said it will be done by tomorrow at the latest. It has the newscliiping also. Good night to all.

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septemberspain

Dee just wanted you to know, my heart and prayers are with you and your family. Please take special care of yourself. We are going to make it thru this.

All my love,

Robbin

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DEE: I visited the website....Oh what beauty she possessed. I know you're still in shock. You and your family remain in my prayers. I'm with you in spirit. Please remember we're all here for you. Love you My Friend....

Connie

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Dee - your daughter Michelle just shines.

The Memorial site is such a tribute to a woman who seemed extremely special.

And that beautifu woman, YOUR DAUGHTER, has left you a legacy - "KAILI"

Michelle will live on in her, and please through all your grief, think of how much this angel of a girl would be deprived of... if you were too leave this earth also.

Who would tell her of her mothers childhood, the loving memories that only you

can share with your granddaughter.

YOU are the only person that will be able to fulfill Kaili's needs of wanting to know her mother, to understand her, to love her - as she has lost.

If all else is too hard to want to live - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Think of Kaili. She is beautiful.

She is truly your gift from God, Your only SAVIOUR.

I cant begin to imagine your desperateness, but this little girl NEEDS you.

Yes, you have lost your daughter - but she has lost her mother, and she needs you to fight and be there for her now in her darkest days... life without her beautiful mum.

We are all grieving the loss of our own mothers, that is how we have all had this perfect connection... I think the grief of going through out life, without my mum, would have been much harder than the fact I have now lost her.

We had wonderful mothers, we all loved, cared for and shared our special moments. Please CONTINUE TO LIVE for this gorgeous girl..

She is you, She is MICHELLE. SHE IS LOVE.

My thoughts,my prayers, my heart be with you...

Ranae xx

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I've been on this board for a few months now sharing stories of my mother and her passing and what an amazing woman she was...well, today I'm here because my husband's uncle passed away today after a very long battle with Cancer. I grew up being very close with his daughters and he was like another Dad to me. We knew the end was near as just before Christmas, he took a turn for the worse. We live 5 hours from my hometown and saw him during Christmas...he looked good and was in good spirits, but you could tell the fight just wasn't in him like it used to be. It's going to be so hard to go home for another funeral and for someone so close to my and my husband's hearts.

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MOMSBABYGIRL: I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are facing another death, a precious loss. I know all of us here are trying to cope, deal with or handle, however you want to put it, the enormous void that we have when someone so precious leaves us.

Mother has been gone almost five months now and I know my life has forever changed. Each loss, makes a change in us, who we are, how we look at our life, how we live it. I lost a brother twenty four years ago following a tragic motorcycle accident. In that mix as well, My grandparents, two precious aunts, four sister-in-laws (one sister-in-law was waiting for a heart donor and due to complications of diabetes, didn't make it), three uncles, two nieces (one as a baby and one as an adult) and my Mother. My Aunt, my Mother and my uncle and my 37 year old niece, all within six months. My mother and my uncle within four days apart, one buried one day and the other the next. My niece had had a kidney transplant seven years ago and had been ill for the entire time following. She left behind a fourteen year old and a nineteen year old daughter. All of my aunts and uncle, except for one, died as a result of cancer. My Mother was the eldest of eight children and outlived all but one brother.

I keep trying to make sense of it all. I believe in God. I believe there is a purpose for each us of and a season to all things. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I'm still thankful for the Journey, in spite of all of it.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless.

Connie.

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RANAE:

What a beautiful view of DEE's tragedy you have conveyed. How well spoken.

DEE: I know you may not feel like responding to us, but if you're just reading the posts, let RANAE's words penetrate your heart and pierce your soul. YOU are NOT finished here. YOUR purpose CONTINUES. I know I can't feel what you're feeling and I know many of these words may seem hollow, but there IS someone who still needs you, to keep your daughter's memory alive.

Love to You

Connie

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TARA, ROBBIN, GISELLE, JOSEPH, SWEDE1, ALL: I appreciate you all for who each of you are and for how we've all been able to share our most intimate hurts. I appreciate the support and encouragement and the nonjudgemental nature of the participants of this message board. Each of you as individuals have brought something very important to this site, each time you post, it's a part of someone else's healing, as well as your own. I feel like we've woven this special friendship. You've all been an intricate part of my being able to continue. I hope we can all do the same for DEE. Love you guys.

Connie

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Connie, Robbin, Tara, Joseph, Swede1, Jenny, Eulaha and All that have posted

I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am trying to cope with life. I did not take Dee’s news very well, so many emotions began to overwhelm.

Dee, I went to Michelle’s memorial site. What a Glorious tribute to a beautiful woman. I concur with my other sister’s; your granddaughter will need you more than ever now! Hang in there sister, we will all be here for you and I know that we will do whatever we can to let you know that you have support, love, friendship and listening ears that care for you from all across the lands.

Momsbabygirl, I know that the next few days will be difficult for you and yours. I’ll be praying for you all. Have a safe trip and hope to hear from you again soon.

Robbin and Connie, would you mind if I emailed you?

Tara, you mentioned flooding. Are you OK? Has the weather gotten better? How is your Father, did you get anywhere on his care?

Ranae, girl you said it all. Thank you for reminding us all that there is always purpose in life. That is why we must continue even when it is a struggle to do so.

Joseph, take heed and find your purpose. It is there/ here I promise you. You must continue to grow. Someday you will be the one to tell your children the life stories of your mother. Your life matters to me and all that post here. We are here for you.

Jenny, my niece’s are aged 10 and 13. I talk to them all the time about my mother! They were here at my home the day she died and I think that the more honest you are with children the better. They seem to have and continue to be rebounding better than me.

Well just wanted you all to know I am thinking of and praying for you all. Please continue to do the same for me.

Love to all!!!

Giselle

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hello everyone , especially DEE....... I have just come back from the beach , surfing and saw the note and checked the site ABOUT michelle........ I AM SO SAD , BUT KNOW AND SHARE THE LOVE OF THE OCEan AND ALL OF US SURFERS , know it is a possibility AND STILL WE SURF , and i have myself felt if i go surfing , sad as it would be , it is good to go loving something.......... I JUST SO HOPE SHE WAS NOT TOO AFRAID AND IT WAS QUICK ... THEY SAY DROWNING IS OK... ( IF THATS OK TO SAY ) LIKE NOT PAINFUL... if that is some comfort perhaphs....... AND FOR YOU DEE AND FAMILY , BE COMFORTED IN THE LOVE OF HER LIFE and of others who loved her and be held by this ... I am so sorry , so very sad for you and for her daughter , I really know nothing can ease the grief right now , except others trying to love you and I hope hold you ..... I am so glad u have a memeorial site and people can show there care......... but yes nothing will bring her back and this will be hard and she is so young and so full of life , now gone ........ AWWW.............. I SO WISH IT WAS NOT SO...........

but I will i promise think of her , and when next at the ocean I will put some FRANGIPANIS flowers in the ocean and paddle out and think fo her .......... and as we are all jpined by this ocean , so are we all joined in love , always , in body and beyond .............xo xo............. AND YES i AM OK , THE FLODD HAS EASED AND ALL IS OK.

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MOMSBABYGIRL:

I'm so sorry about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

DEE:

I saw the memorial, and it was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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septemberspain

Good morning family,

MOMSBABYGIRL: My prayers are with you and your family during this time.

Dee, I went to Michelle's site she is such a beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing her with me. Dee, Kaili IS going to need you and I know the love that you have for Michelle will continue to show thru.

Giselle, I know what you mean. My emotions are out of whack!!!! And I couldn't wait for you to email me. I beat you to it (you got mail)

Connie, Tara, Joseph, Jenny, Renae My thoughts are with you. How is everyone???? Still not able to say to much my thoughts and prayers are with you and please know I love you all! You guys are still bringing me thru and you really don't know what being able to share my heart with you all has meant to me. Thank you for listening and being available to hear my cries.

Love, Robbin

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Morning all-

Think I was close to having a mental breakdown last night. Got a call from my brother Chris, in jail up in the boondocks...had to drive 150 miles to post his bail and get him out.

Just kept thinking the whole time, that mom would be so disappointed.

I have never even been to a jail before, it was so strange. I don't know if I was embarrassed, or a little scared or what. I do know that I was totally pissed!

Told Chris, this was the first, last and only time he better call me for something like this. He was trying to joke about it, like it was no big deal.

Anyway, I was supposed to go see my nieces yesterday (live about 5 hours away), so I couldn't do that.

Really felt like I needed to see the girls.

3 months on Wednesday since my mom has been gone. Didn't make it to work the rest of the week.

Dee-I also saw your daugthers site, she is beautiful, and that grandaughter of yours just looks so sweet and kissable:)

Reading over all your posts, even from before I was a part of the board, I see there has just been to much heartache for you. My heart goes out, and I brought up your family to my mother's church group (hope you don't mind) They will be praying for you and your family.

You will need to keep Michelle alive for Kaili, as I have to keep my mom alive for my nieces.

Those who say, "is there anything you need?", often don't mean it, and seem taken aback if you actually say "yes, can you..."

I do mean it, I know that we are all scattered across the world, but I feel as if I have found something special here, and if there is anything that can be done for any of you from across the nation, or world...I just know I would strive my best to do it.

Hope this weekend is a gentle one for all of us.

Love,

Jenny

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GISELLE: Yes, I would like to hear from you via e-mail. I couldn't help but freeze when I read Dee's posting of her sad news in losing her daughter. All I could do is cry. I have only one child, one son. He is 26. He's an independent young man and lives on his on, has his own life and all, but we're very bonded at the heart. My husband says we're too much alike. I really don't know how close to the edge I would go if I lost him, but I know it would be extremely close. After watching my Mother grieve, after my brother died 24 years ago following a horrible motorcycle accident, at the age of 37, I knew her life was forever altered. She always told me, looking me straight in the eyes with that "connection", "There is no worse pain in this life than losing your child." She always told me she hoped I never sufferred that pain. She went through years of different kinds of grief. But odd as it may sound, she continued with life and did have happy times, all through this mixing of emotions over my brother Glynn being gone. She was able to laugh and live again, but Glynn's presence was always missed. Family gatherings were never the same. He was the jolly, happy one who brought the fun with him. When I was troubled about something, he would tell me "little sister, don't worry, it'll all come out in the wash".

My heart hurts so much for Dee, but only prayer and God's strength will bring her through.

My brother had only had the motorcycle he was killed on for a couple of weeks. It was a new passion for him and he was just that way, followed his passion and lived. The accident was not his fault. Someone else hit him. I always admired him for taking risks and living. I know that's what surfers do too. Everyone knows the risks, but obviously their passion outweighs their fears. And I think that's a good thing, because fear keeps so many people from living a full life. My brother had rheumatoid arthritis and had begun it's stages of crippling days for him and yet he didn't give into letting it have him completely. It's in looking at the bigger picture, after he had been gone a few weeks, I began to think about the "what ifs". If he had lived life longer, he more than likely would have become an invalid, dependent on someone else for most of his care. I know what that would have done for his soul as he loved to do for others.

The suddeness of his tragedy will be forever burned into my memory, as I worked at the hospital where he was first transported to. He was technically dead at the scene, but officers performed a tracheotomy on him before the ambulance arrived. I was on a coffee break and remember a Code Blue, any doctor in the house call over the intercom. I remember everyone rushing to the ER direction. And moments later, when I returned to my office, my supervisor walked me down to the ER. They had already taken him out, to transfer him to a larger hospital, 65 miles away. The doctor talked to me and told me the seriousness of his condition, that he was crushed and had severe head and chest trauma and gave me little to no hope for survival. I had to go home and tell my 65 year old mother that news. Within an hour, we were where he was. We awaited for doctors to talk to us and when they did, nothing they could tell us, could have prepared us for what we saw. They said he was literally crushed and was severely brain damaged. He was in a coma and remained in one for two weeks. Upon coming out of the coma, the realization of brain damage had set in. He was not the same and would never be, but we were willing to have him, any way we could. Somewhere in his mind though, I think he knew he wasn't the same and it was very sad. He would stroke my hair as if he knew me. I just believe he did. We never left his side until after he awoke and then for one night, we went home. Four days later, New Years Eve, 1982. My mother and one of my other brothers were preparing to go stay the day and night. We had all been taking turns. I got a phone call after they left, telling me he had died and they believe it was a blood clot. Again, the whole big picture is now in focus. God, he wouldn't have wanted to live like that. I know that. It didn't make letting him go any easier at the time, but as time went by, the focus became clearer of the "what ifs."

I guess one of the hardest parts of something sudden and tragic, is the acceptance. It's like life is being viewed through warped glass. Nothing seems real. Sound is distorted and everything is a mumble. I relive these feelings every time someone near me has suffered a tragedy. I think the next hardest thing is trying to move forward without them. I've often thought, since being with my Mother and witnessing her life before and after my brother, if something were to happen to my son, I have to look to her as my example. I pray I never have to.

Sorry for rambling.

Yes, Giselle, email me.

Connie

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JENNY: Sorry you had such a rough night. Been there! Done that! Understand!

You're so right about this place we've found here. Mother has been gone almost five months, I've been posting here since about mid September, just a few weeks after her death. If this sounds corny, well I'm sorry, but it seems we've woven a unique family here. Miles and distance don't play any significant factor into how we've cried and shared and laughed and complained. We're sharing in such an intimate point of our life with people we've never seen their faces. Skin color, race, sex, doesn't matter. I've said before, I stumbled into this website, this forum, but I know it was one of God's miracles. It wasn't an accident. He knew I need to be here for my healing process.

God Bless.

Connie

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DEE, MY FRIEND:

You're in my thoughts and prayers today. Whenever you do get a chance to read our posts here, just wanted you to know, in reading so many of the emails people sent to your daughter's memory board, I feel as though I knew her or at least her spirit. From a Mother's heart, you must swell with pride in knowing how many lives she touched in her short time here. How much love she generated throughout her lifetime. What a special legacy. I don't think there are any words to ease your pain, but I just wanted to share a few and try:

Let only good tears fall,

for what her life did see.

She wasn't here forever,

so she set out to be free.

She now soars with the eagles,

as she swam the ocean's tide.

She hasn't left you completely,

She will forever dwell inside.

Remember all you taught her

and share it with her daughter as well.

For you hold much wisdom

and your life's memories, that only you can tell.

Mourn for Her as She knows you must

But let it not steal your wanderlust.

Live each day as it were you last,

For Tomorrow, today will be in your past.

Connie

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HeLLO EVERYONE ,

I am not sleeping well ,I seem just chronically tired all the time . it is awful and i am sick of it ......... anyway , porbabably due to giving up cigs as well , 1 week today ... though last night i sure felt like one . I am still reeling from the news about michelle... IT IS STRANGE TO COME here nad meet someone and then go through their loss as it happens as well.... and in such a way , so tragic and unwxpected..... YET , true is it not , we are all only ever one breath from death , each time we breathe in or out , can we ever know if the next breath will come to us......

I am it seems a bit obessessed with these thoughts these days , since mum died , I feel very different about why i am here and what I am doing .... sometimes nihlistic.SOMETIMES urgent, I DONT know , but defintely want answers ........

anyway , we all have i guess differing beleifs and I dont want to get anyone upset by getting into that arena ... just enough to say , i feel like the only thing that is important is to live spiritually and find freedom from suffering and have clear view and clarity and compassion and sometimes I am wondering why waste time in anyother way..........

my life feels weird lately .. maybe i am a bit depressed ? I dont know., i kinda dotn want to do anything , if i do its an effort ...... i am meant to go to this function this morning and I am dreADING IT ..... i am not happy in my job > want to quit ..... but cant , and i am dreading packing leaving and going anywhere , depite winning a schoalrship to do that ....... study and travel. feels like i am stuck huh.........

then , my stuff with my dad ..... i can barely face anymore ...i go down next week to clean mums stuff and get her ashes and the thought makes me ill.. it will be awful , he will be hard work , it will be sad. hot , dusty , awful.

no way round it .......

sometimes , lately,i wonder at my " karma " i guess thats selfish and wrong wayto think , i know it is .....i should be grateful . and I am at times , but right now , and maybe that how i know that maybe i am depressed a little....

i just feel sad and very alone and unloved......... you know , if i died , i dont think it would hardly be noticed ... and no one would really miss me ...... kinda sad huh , and its true ..... i have no family . i am alone ......... thats how it is ......... soory , pity pot .......

ill stop ........... im just sad , someone like michelle , so young is gone , like that , with a family who love her , a child and marriage ahead of her ? then why am i here still?????????????? go figure.........

im so soory for all our losses ..... i know im here for some reason , we all have our life and karma to live i am grateful , i am just a bit sad . not making sense at all am I . SORRY ........ NOT A GOOD DAY..........

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deewithgreeneyes

I Love All Of You....everyone. I am here. I will be posting this evening. I have tomake other arrangements today as well. Michelle lost her baby Sierra a few years ago, then lost her husband about a year later. I just talked to her husbands (deceased) mother this AM. She is devestated. I have to get Sierra's ashes and have them scattered with some of Michelle's. Michelle never stopped loving hr deceased husband. His ashes are scattered in the woods of the Sierra Nevada on a trail dedicated to him.Michelle will be with him also...as well as my sweet Sierra. To many heartbreaks my friends. I am only having the strength right now to attend Michelle's funeral. After that....I honestly don't know what will happen. I love you all, thank you for the beautiful posts, you are my most dearest friends. Love, Dee

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I HOPE it all is the best it can be dee............. i DO NOT GET IT ......... too much loss.......... what about her other daughter and the new boy friend? the father of the other child ? sorry i foget the name ....mat ? and the daughter >>. beautiful name i remember that much.......

I cant even imagine how u feel , i think , i hope , your stronger than me , or at least have people who love you and care aorund you............. otherwise ? i can imagine the feelings . cause I have them myself lately ........... i feel like absolute **** , nothinng means anything to me right now .. or has meaning , or purpose what for ? all this ? what ?

yeah and for me ....... i dont feel it is worth it ... noone really gives a **** /. i am sorry ,it would have been better if it had been me , not her ..... at least that would make sense./ i am sorry to say this ... selfish . but it is how i feel right now.......... selfish so selfish and stupid i cant even say the right things , cause nothing makes sense today at all

just a a blind angry loss of pain...........

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Tara

Sorry you are having a rough time of it right now. You have alot going on, your Mom's belongings, your dad, job issues and quitting smoking definately puts you on edge.

It does seem like there is some depression here Tara, I know from experience. Had problems with it in the past, having problems now. It's a horrible feeling to think if you were gone, what impact would it really have, and to come back with the answer of NONE!

Sometimes I think I could go, and if I didn't have my partner, noone would really miss me...at least not for weeks.

You should probably see your doc...don't want to sound like a broken record or repeat all the stuff you can read on the internet about depression, but you can find a little peace.

Believe me, it won't make the grief go away...nothing will, but maybe you can get back on an even keel again.

I kinda feel in the same boat, mom & gramma are gone. Dad wants nothing to do with me, my brothers are far away, even though one of them calls me...not like having them here.

Searching for a new job, I hate going to work now. Used to love my job. I think it's the drive. I have a 1.5 hour drive each way...too much time to think. End up tearstained by the time I get to work, then again by the time I get home.

I have even been going to different websites looking to relocate. From this website findyourspot.com, I found that I should be living up in Wisconsin of all places. You answer a bunch of questions, and it comes back with like, 20 different cities that would be a good match. 8 of mine were in WI.

Cost of living is cheap up there compared to where I am now...some nice areas around the big cities.

I don't know...can't really jump into anything, but sometimes, you just want to leave this life behind and start over.

My brother Chris is moving back to the area next weekend, but we aren't that close...he is the one I just had to bail out of jail!

My other brother Chuck is supposed to come back in May, but now he is saying probably July...then asked if I wanted to move down there (Jacksonville, FL). I don't think he will be coming back. I lived in Jacksonville before, it was soooooo hot, but other than that, not too bad. Lots of jobs too.

Just don't know what to do, where to go. Just bought this house in Nov 2004. Have done so much renovation and work, I hate to leave it, but I can see my Mom's house from here. She bought a house in the same neighborhood in Jan 05, never even got to enjoy it.

Tara-cleaning out your Mom's stuff will be hard. I had to do it immediately as I sold the house very quickly, didn't even have to advertise. My mom dies 10/18/05 and her house was cleaned out, and the new owner was moved in 11/17/05.

Try to put yourself in task mode. That's what i had to do. Make a list of all the has to be done. Keep it with you, check things off as you go. Give some things to charity, keep some for yourself.

It's hard, but you will get through it,

Wow, this is long. Guess I should cut it off.

My thoughts are with you,

Jenny

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Dee

Sounds like a beautiful place for your daughter and her family. I have been thinking of you and sending you a little peace.

I always thought my mother was so wise. One of her favorite things to say was 'everything happens for a reason'. I used to believe that, but no more.

There is NO reason for this suffering. Maybe the little things happen for a reason. Long lines at the store breed patience, near misses (like my car accident) bring gratitude and appreciation for what we have.

But death...it brings nothing but pain. What reason can there be for loosing the people we hold dearest?

When someone is taken from us too quickly, too soon, before their time, there is just no way to see the 'bright side' in this.

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse, definately not the intention. Just keep some strength so when someone tells you things happen for a reason, or there is a better place...well, just be strong enough to realize that the person does mean well even if these are things that bring you no comfort.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Jenny

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Dee,

I mostly agree with what Jenny said about there being no real 'bright side' to losing a child, especially. I think so-called optimists who want you to believe these things might be wanting to console something they know is not really consolable, but at the same time, all those cliches just serve to minimize your pain and don't acknowledge your normal need to feel the pain that is the normal reaction to loss. But I also must amend that by saying that when I lost my fur-boy ( who, of course, was, in effect, a son to me ), I did manage to see, about 2 years later, that his absence had brought about the flowering of his sister's life - she really only grew and became rather happier about certain things AFTER he was gone....not something I would have expected. So I came to see that there was, not a benefit, but something like it, to his passing. In short, I wouldn't have been able to have quite the same, and large, a relationship with her had he still been here with us....so a bittersweet 'bonus', for lack of a better word. I don't know if telling you this will help at all, especially now, but I just wanted you to keep it in mind for when you hear those cliches. Still wishing you every help, every tiny comfort in every way, just to get through these pain-filled days....and I'm still so very sorry that life had to do this to you. (((((((hugs)))))))))

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Jenny,

The brother of mine who died had actually been in jail for several months, many years ago - his own fault for attacking his ex-wife when she left him...and she had lots of clout and friends in high places, so there he stayed. My point about this, though, is that at the time, my parents were busy trying to get him out, and frankly, I disagreed with their decision, as I felt that he would NEVER learn his lesson ( he'd done violent things before, too, although hadn't ever injured anyone before...but violence almost always escalates w/o any intervention/help ) if he didn't serve his time. Having grown up in an alcoholic home, by then I'd learned all about enabling ( anyone, for any problem ) and ended up serendipitously quitting working for my parents only 2 wks. before my brother's attack....thank God I wasn't 'in the picture' then, as they would have put me in the middle of it all, had I still been around them. So just so you know, others have been involved with such things, too, and I understand your reluctance to bail him out. I DO think the wisest thing you can do about him is STICK TO WHAT YOU TOLD HIM AND NEVER GO BACK ON YOUR WORD, as people with problems like this instantly pick up on others' weaknesses and will use them for their own gains, and will learn to abdicate their responsibility for their own choices and behaviours. You don't need THAT, to add to your woes. Just my 2 cents' worth.

Tara,

Like you, I think about dying myself and how there would likely only be 3 people at any memorial for me - my husband ( who doesn't like to dwell in grief anyway ) and his parents( who are the same way ), and hopefully, our fur-girl wouldn't still be here to grieve, as she's the only one in my life who I KNOW would be totally devastated by my absence. It's pretty pathetic, and so very sad, when one has reason to think this way, isn't it? I'm convinced that this is a large part of MY depression problems, knowing that I haven't made much of an impact in anyone's lives....so I understand your viewpoint. While it sounds like a selfish way to look at things, it's also not...because what are people always saying? ~ that it's only the Love that you create in this life that counts in the end...and if one feels like they haven't LEFT a trail of love behind, in those who care about our existence, then it makes our existance seem rather pointless. I'm sure we're not at all alone in this, though, as there are probably countless people who have no one to really care, or at least no one who realizes they care that much...until we're gone.

Connie,

You said something a few posts ago about those living in fear in their lives. That really struck a chord in me, as I'd realized long ago that this is one of the OTHER reasons for my continuing depression. I really feel like I've wasted a good chunk of my life because fears often overcame me and my decisions. While I can't really blame myself for this, the fact is it still happened, and now my life has become SO unlike what I pictured it as in some ( although not all ) large areas, that I'm panicking now ( adding MORE fear!! ) since, even if I live an average amount of time, the bulk of my life is actually OVER already....and I already feel like I've never really LIVED....not happily, not courageously enough. So it's no small wonder why my Mom's death has impacted me the way it has. I'm just filled with fear, all the time now.

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JENNY, 5 weeks after my mom\'s death I don\'t see much of a bright side to all of this, necessarily, but I think in time when I move further away from the event with more perspective I\'ll figure more of this out. That\'s MY hope, anyhow.

And DEE, I have you, too, and your family in my heart.

And while I\'m sitting here in my room, listening to music (headphones, to block out the noise of my loud, fellow 23-year-old roommates in the kitchen downstairs), I\'m thinking about this book I\'m reading, \"A Million Little Pieces\" by James Frey. It\'s about a drug addict/alcoholic/criminal who is in a treatment facility. At first it was enormously difficult to read and I was questioning my decision to read it, but I\'m finding it oddly helpful now.... maybe because I\'m so thankful I\'m not a drug addict, but also because I\'m identifying to a certain extent with some of the things he\'s experiencing.. at times I\'ve felt manic and in a panic over myself, my rollercoaster of emotions, my helplessness. Crying like I\'ve never cried before: the frequency of the tears, the actual sounds I\'m making, the uncontrollable nature..

And he is 23 years old like me. And I think of JOSEPH, and my friends who are my age and how they've been to me lately.. the ones I see the most don\'t really know how to help me, and they probably can\'t. I don\'t really want to see them and hang out and act like everything\'s normal, but we\'ve gotten together a few times and it\'s so uncomfortable for me - I had already felt like my relationship with them was strained, before everything happened with my mom. On Friday night I went out to a couple bars/lounges with 2 of the girls and actually started off being excited and having high hopes, but I quickly came down and actually wasn\'t having fun at all. I felt like a wet blanket, actually, a club foot, a canker sore or something like that... I was getting confused and forgetful about things that usually come pretty easily.

It makes me kind of sad to think about us not being friends, but it also makes me relieved to think that I wouldn\'t have to pretend with them anymore... I\'ve been having terrible, awful, horrendous thoughts sometimes, like \"I wish they could experience something like this, so they\'d understand the emptiness and pain\" -- I feel horrible, thinking **** like that.

I guess I\'m just wishing for a little peace and patience here, and maybe a temporary solution is not to see them for a while until I feel more ready to talk to them.

Thinking of you all,

Kelly

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septemberspain

Hi Kelly, I am sorry you are going thru all these emotions. I'm sending you a hug (((Kelly))) hoping things will feel a tiny bit better for you today.

Robbin

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deewithgreeneyes

So sorry to hear of everyone's pain, i am really sorry. I know you all have your burdens of grief you are carrying as well and your pain is as deep as mine. Please all of you++++++++++++++ remember this "The clock of life is wound but once, and no manhas the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own: Live, love, toil with a will, place no faith in tomorrow; for the clock may then be still.

My son called me early this morning and is despondent over the loss of his sister, they were very close. He asked me to come down today he needs me. I am leaving this evening and will return on Wednesday to prepare for my daughter. I cannot bring myself to say the word we are knowing I am talking about. I will e mail each of you personally on Wednesday. I will be alone for a few days to gather myself for Michelle. I am using the poem that was sent to me (thank you) at my daughters--------------------.Love all of you, I am on line today until 5:00 california.

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Swede-

Thanks for the response. I will NOT be going back on my word to my brother. I love my mother dearly, but she definately was an 'enabler'. Chris has never been in jail before, but when he lived with my mom (up until the day she was diagnosed, then he moved out), he never worked longer than two weeks, just enough to get a paycheck, did drugs (reason for jail), drank, ate, and slept.

Mom said he would come into his own in time. She just allowed him to do this, even as I was red in the face trying to convice her that motherly support was not what he needed. He needed a swift kick in the ***.

Chris KNOWS I say what I mean and mean what I say, there will be no more connect calls from correctional facilities to my house!

Thanks for your '2 cents' :)

Your Line: "that it's only the Love that you create in this life that counts in the end...and if one feels like they haven't LEFT a trail of love behind, in those who care about our existence, then it makes our existance seem rather pointless"

I know exactly what you mean, you nailed my emotion right on the head. I want to be like my mother in this way, there were hundreds of people at her services. More people there I didn't know than I knew...So wonderful to see how much my mother was loved. But, I am not like that, antisocial for the most part, never thought I had a need...but now I think differently.

Thanks for your thoughts

Kelly-

I certainly hope you find what you are looking for. I guess I don't have a goal really of finding meaning in my mother's death, I just hope that as each day, week, month passes, things will not be as bad as they are today.

I do believe there will always be a hole in my heart that will not heal, I will just get used to the fact that it is there and learn to live with it.

I understand your emotions with your friends. Most of my friends think, wow, it has been 3 months...time to move one. One person even said I really should have cut the apron strings long ago. Well, ya know what...I didn't want to. I LIKED my Mom, I always said, even if she wasn't my mom, I would still hang out with her because she was a caring person and we had lots in common on an adult level.

My big thing, is when I see older ladies, especially someone with my mom's build or short curly hair, I get angry, cuz my mother didn't have the chance to grow old. I guess I kinda resent them for being here when my mom isn't.

Alot of our thoughts at this time (like you wanting your friends to know how you feel) are irrational, and that's ok. You can think whatever you want to think, and feel however you want to feel. It is time Kelly, to be a little selfish in order to allow yourself to heal a bit.

Be gentle with yourself, and try for a good week.

Dee-

Enjoy your time with your son, and thanks for the quote. I know it is true, but doesn't change the fact that we all feel a little cheated.

It is definately a good philosophy, one which should be lived by, we take too many things for granted in this life, and spend too much time planning for tomorrow.

My thoughts are with all of you

Jenny

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SHITE ..... JSUT WOIRTE A LONG EMAIL TO U ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AND IT DELETED AND i cant write it again ........... sorry , so instead just will say thanks and send my love and try again when i have more time....... damn , it was long and to each of you and not good for my mood ,............. oh well......

talk more soon, be well.\

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To Everyone: Good Morning.... just wanted to say a quick wish for a better to you all.

TARA... Hang on.... Proud of you working on putting out the cigarettes. I know it's a struggle. Hope today is better to you than yesterday.

DEE: You're truly in my thoughts and prayers, as is your son and the rest of your family. I've carried sorrow with me, since your sad news, for what you're living through now. I know what I'm feeling isn't a fraction of yours pain. Love You. God Bless.

Connie

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...trying to convince her that motherly support was not what he needed. He needed a swift kick in the ***.

...there were hundreds of people at her services. More people there I didn't know than I knew...So wonderful to see how much my mother was loved. But, I am not like that, antisocial for the most part, never thought I had a need...but now I think differently.

...One person even said I really should have cut the apron strings long ago. ...when I see older ladies, especially someone with my mom's build or short curly hair, I get angry, cuz my mother didn't have the chance to grow old.

Jenny,

Yes, my brother, too, needed a swift kick! Same thing - I knew it was wrong of my Mom to molly-coddle my REMAINING brother, but couldn't convince her, so gave up in the last decade. He's the one who's stolen everything now. I had my moments then of getting angry at my Mom and telling her that if she could see what was going on NOW, these were the consequences to me, her only daughter, of how she'd handled my brother...and that I, of all the kids, didn't deserve this kind of treatment as I was the only one who'd kept in contact with her all through the years, the one who came to be with her and try to help with all her medical and emotional needs when she was hospitalized. Now this selfish brother has it all, and she was partly to blame for that. Same as for not listening to me years ago when I told her if she died first and father was in charge, he'd never let me have ANY of her things...and I was right again. I had to recognize that this was a part of her that HADN'T loved me very well, not to think about MY future in this respect.

Whenever I hear of other mothers ( or anyone else, for that matter ) getting a huge 'turn-out' for their services, I'm filled with anger and resentment. ( and NO, I'm not saying others can't talk about this; it's just a natural reaction to what happened to me ) I have a cousin whose mother's name is the same as my Mom's and they, too, had hundreds of people for her funeral. This is what kills me, cuz not only did my father ( and brothers, indirectly ) thwart any attempt for us to even HAVE a memorial service, even an informal one at home, but there wouldn't have been anyone there anyway, save for one of her sisters and a niece. Because she WAS old, many people either had already died as well and others had fallen out of contact ( work connections, etc. ) years before. Plus, at that point my father wouldn't allow my ( deceased ) brother back in the house so that he could go through her papers to try and contact some people whose addresses/ph.#'s we didn't have. So to this day, I doubt if most of those left even KNOW she's died. And much worse, there was none of that support system there for me ( my brothers wouldn't have cared less about that aspect, unlike me ), no rituals to say goodn-bye.....nothing. Just like the void I feel I'm living in now.

And while you have some resentment towards those mothers still alive, I also feel pangs of pain when I see ELDERLY women out and about....just for different reasons. I never got the chance, either, to do these kinds of things with my Mom...not since my 20's....so it's much the same despite her having been old when she died. ****Sigh**** We're all in the same boat there, despite our different stories.

For me, it's too ironic ~ I'd been such a shy child and didn't really start to get over this until my 30's! My Mom, on the other hand, was always gregarious and much-liked. So while this is one fear I've mainly conquered, me and my husband have tried for many long years to find and develop friendships, but it's gone nowhere ( locally, at least ) and older friends have either dropped away or given up voluntarily ( from post-death treatment of me ), so it's too ironic that I finally became just as gregarious ( something I'd always envied in my Mom ), yet there would STILL be no one coming to any funeral of MINE. So, I've always thought "differently", as you said, yet it hasn't panned out anyway!

As for 'cutting the apron strings', I find that absolutely ridiculous! Sure, if you had some emotional attachments that weren't healthy for you, that's one thing. But when a daughter's mother dies, that's a completely different ballgame altogether. This person obviously doesn't understand that a loved parent dying isn't the same as just going out into the world and doing your thing without your parent. Even when we do that, it sure doesn't mean we won't be feeling grief when they're no longer physically here. Heavens! That's a pretty heartless comment! For myself, I'D even thought that my reaction wouldn't be as bad as it has been, as I'd intellectualized my Mom's and my history together many years prior and realized that no matter what happened to her, she'd made her own bed, I'd tried to get her out of it and failed, and I foolishly thought that kind of thinking would serve me well after she eventually died. WRONG!!! When one's HEART is broken, one's HEAD is not going to 'solve' anything. It's the HEART that then needs fixing, BY the heart. And that's what I intend to start working on now.

To that end, I'd also like to suggest to everyone here who's struggling with the proverbial 'coming to terms with' their mother's death, to buy and read and DO the "Grief Recovery Handbook" by John James and Russell Friedman. You will undoubtedly be surprised and 'delighted' by their smashing of the many myths surrounding grief. So far, I agree with 99% of what they say about it ( and already knew, firsthand, quite a bit of it, too ). These are things I've seen people writing about ever since I first started using boards and the misinformation out there is astounding. It really helps to know what's okay (our grief) and the why's and wherefor's of society's ignorance towards grief, and our issues. It's available in many places, as it's been around for a long time. They also have a website which includes a ton of articles that I would also recommend as great reading. Just look up the Grief Recovery Institute on the web ( and click on Articles ).

Wishing everyone as well as can be expected, and awfully glad this thread has so many wonderful, caring people in it. Thanks for being here.

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cantbelieveit

I just keep signing on and reading all of these differnet stories. I am sorry for all the pain you are all feeling. I lost mom in October, it was devastating. I have spent all of this weekend crying and thinking how cheated we all got.

The golden years, ha ha if your lucky enough to live through them. My mom was not yet 63. Full of life, love and caring. She is very much missed. As I am just starting to feel the pain I feel like it is old news to people. My life will never be the same and I should be moving on 3 months later. Gee it just hit me now that she is gone forever. I can't stand all these emotions. I love you mom and miss you dearly.

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cantbelieveit,

I can totally relate with you. I lost my mom Nov. 26th and the reality of it is just now hitting me. It is so hard to face. I just found out this morning that I am pregnate with my first. And I am wondering how I am going to go through this without her. Your mother is supossed to be with you when you have your first child. I've wanted to call her all day to tell her the news.

I feel so alone going through this, even though I've still got my husband, it's not the same as having your Mother with you though something like this. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I to feel cheated. But I guess we just have to hold on the the hope that they are better off then we are and are probably watching over us. I just wish we could call and talk to them at least. Hang in there. I will be praying for you to.

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Littlebug and Cantbelieveit,

I’m sorry you both have to be here, too, after losing your mothers, like the rest of us. And although I lost my Mom just over 2 years ago, I still find there are many moments, both big and small, where my mind thinks, “ Oh, I’ll have to tell Mom about this,” during which I envision her response…..this all only takes a few milliseconds…THEN I ‘realize’, for the hundredth time, that she’s gone. Either that, or I just WANT to be able to tell her and still cry when I know I can’t. So a word from a‘been there’ one ~ you will likely revisit that state many times as you go through your mourning….the better news being that the pain gets less intense later on.

I’m not sure now if the so-called ‘Golden Years’ are necessarily very golden, even if we do reach them. My Mom had so many illnesses and conditions, she suffered for many long and pain-filled years ( some conditions no one was even aware of, except for her doctors as she either ignored them, forgot, or just wanted to live in denial of them so never told me ), then suffered terribly for all of the 6 months before she died. I know I still selfishly feel that I’m still glad she was around, but her suffering has frightened me beyond words, and from where I sit now, if it were me, I’d rather NOT go through anything like that. It’s just one of those ambiguities of grief – glad she’s not suffering the same anymore, but don’t want her to be gone, either.

I agree that it would be so much easier if we could contact our mothers, at least once in awhile….a yearly phone ‘date’ would be enough to get me through. But those ARE the many ways we experience the reality of their physical absence and I’ve found that it was the same with 2 major losses – for the first 3 years ( only 2 so far in this case ), the more time went on, the more I got to missing my loved one and for me, it wasn’t until after 3 years were up that I wasn’t as consumed with that missing. But it’s hell while it lasts. So I imagine I have about another year to go yet, for my Mom’s loss, before I might feel more like living again. But I still have to allow for being wrong about that in the future. And every anniversary date and special holiday can bring it all back in a flash. It’s no WONDER we get so exhausted, putting out so much of our energy into grieving!

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CANTBELIEVEIT: I'm sorry for the pain you are suffering from the death of your Mother. My Mother Died August 30th and I'll never be the same. The hole she left in my heart from the bond we shared will never be filled with anything else. Moving on? It takes longer than a few months to grieve someone who has been in your life forever. Only you can know when you can lay down the heavy grief and continue. Each day is a new one. Each day is progress. People say things and mean well, but unless they've been there, they don't understand. Take your time to feel your feelings and deal with them as they occur. That's when true healing begins. And scars will be left. We will laugh and live again, but we must deal with our emotions. No one else can set a time limit for you or tell you when you should "move on". Yes we continue. But yes, we work through our grief daily for however long it takes.

LITTLEBUG: I'm sorry for the death of your mother. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. But what a blessing of the life you are carrying. You can grieve and focus on this new life at the same time. Perhaps it's meant to help you get through your grief. I fully understand you wanting your mother to be there and the huge void without her. But as time goes through this first pregnancy, you will feel your Mother's love even more, that's when a woman begins to understand her Mother in a totally different light. You're entitled to feel these things, even though she won't be physically present. Spiritual, I believe you will feel your connection. Find strength in that. Also, your emotions will run at a high anyway, this just goes along with pregnancy, but know that doesn't make you abnormal. You've just got a lot to cope with at once. I hope you find something special through all this. I hope you feel your Mother's presence like never before. Her love is inside you, more ways than one. My prayers are with you.

No one can take the place of our Mother. As I was with my Mother through her last breath, as I told her it was okay to go and rest and rejoice in a new land where she isn't suffering anymore, I told her I would carry her with me everyday of my life and everything she had taught me would remain in my heart. I'll never be the same, but it was a bittersweet ending. I love her and miss her always.

God Bless.

Connie

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My mother loved me unconditionally, and I think that I'm looking for that kind of love from my boyfriend. He is not meeting my standards in this area. I know it's not right to expect the same kind of love from him that I got from my mom, but...I can't help my feelings of disappointment.

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SWEDE1: I know a lot of people would disagree with us, but I agree with you about those golden years. My Mother was so miserable for so long and her dignity was gone and I know, she was ready to go, long before she did. To see her dementia set in and the final year... Oh God, I pray I never go there. I've told my son, if he loses me at a younger age, which I still consider my 45 years younger, ha, ha, ha.... It's okay to grieve for me. But I want him to remember that I said I'd rather go younger and taking care of myself than older and dependent upon someone for my care. I'm also preplanning my funeral so he doesn't every have to face that. I also told him to go somewhere after my burial, somewhere fun, a cruise, something to celebrate that I lived, not mourn my death. I'm leaving him well off enough he can do all that and by a new car and cruise listening to my old CDs... Am I weird???? Everytime I take a trip, I leave all pertinent policies on my kitchen table and remind of those things. It's usually a joke or two passed, but I hope he will be strong enough to do that. That's what I would want for him.

Bye for now... still at work...

Connie

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EULAHA:

In my opinion, no matter how wonderful a man is (because I have a pretty good one), I just don't think men (and sorry to any men reading this post, nothing personal intended) have the ability to understand that bond between a Mother and her Daughter and what an impact it makes when we are separated by death. Even though they try, their comfort is different and nothing can take Mom's place. But I understand you're wishing for that. If you haven't, tell him you are more dependent on him now emotionally and need more attention, love and affection, babying, nurturing and need that to get through this. My husband lost his Mother long, long ago, but I think that made him be a little more understandable. He has been my rock through much family turmoil since my Mother's death. Guess each situation is different though. I know some men just can't grasp what we're feeling. Sorry for those who are experiencing that. Wish the best for you.

Connie

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cantbelieveit

Thank you all so much for your responses, it made me feel so good to read all of it.

Littlebug: Congratulations, I have no children and thought about 6 months ago yeah, I really want to do this, at least try to be as great a mother as my mom. I felt it so strongly like never before. Then I thought why now, you know mom won't be here to see this or help you. In a way I think it may be like a celebration of their lives us being able to be mother's. (I am not sure if I will ever have children) but my chilhood was wonderful thanks to mom.

I believe this is a great blessing for you and I do believe that your mom knows about it without you telling her. I can't say I know how you feel regarding this situation..... but I can say that I often want to call mom and I realize I can't. Just know how much love and joy your mom would feel knowing that you are expecting. I wish you well.

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Connie,

Firstly,

Every time I take a trip, I leave all pertinent policies on my kitchen table…
……..so CAN I MARRY YOU?!? LOL! How I love organization and efficiency like that! And you’re RIGHT….it takes a real LOAD off someone’s mind, not having to deal with stuff like that should something happen. I don’t know how many times I’ve told my husband that I WON’T be able to deal with those things if he goes first, yet he’s not getting off his can to do anything to help me out there!

I don’t mean to step on your toes here, but I hope your son isn’t going to get the wrong impression…to ‘be strong’, ‘get on with your life’, ‘don’t feel bad’, you know…all those terribly hurtful attitudes we all have suffered by. While I can see the great and therapeutic value of a parent passing on an optimistic and unselfish attitude, I guess I just wonder about if it might go too far in one direction. I’m speaking from the experience of seeing my husband take after HIS parents ( especially his mom ) and stuffing emotions just to keep up a happier front….and especially of not being as in touch with others’ emotional lives ( like MINE! LOL!) and so being unable to relate as well as one should be able to. I know this isn’t what you’d want for your son, either, so I just hope you’ve explained it in detail to him.

Of course, frankly, I can’t even IMAGINE how I would feel if my Mom had said anything to me like what you’ve already said to your son. I can only SUSPECT it would have helped to a certain point. But I still remember the venom in my Mom’s voice when I was still grieving for my fur-boy 2 years later…and knowing my Mom as well as I did, I knew she was actually JEALOUS of my love for him, as if I wouldn’t also mourn HER as much. If she sees now how very much I’m missing her, if she ever heard me moaning and sobbing about her death, she’s probably very embarrassed now to know she got so upset about her daughter’s capacity to love more than one person, more than one species, so well.

Oh, Mom, you just never knew me the way I always wished you could. You loved me, but you didn’t really KNOW me, or accept me the way I was. And now, maybe you do, but I’ll never know.

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SWEDE1: No Woman, you didn't step on my toes!.... lol lol I appreciate your opinion and input. That's why I share with you! I can absolutely see where you're coming from. Guess I hadn't really thought about it like that. It's just that he has no cousins his age. He has no uncles (my brother's) that he would ever be able to turn to. My Husband's family all live in other states and are not really close to our son. My husband and Lance's girl friend are the only people in his life, other than one very good friend he has, who works out of state most of the time. So, he really doesn't have a lot of cushion. I just feel with some of the things he's shared with me, and how he took his grandmother's passing, that it would be almost more than he could bear, if I didn't kind of joke around about it now and yet, let him know I'm serious. I don't want him stuck in first gear the rest of his life over my passing. I know he and his dad will always be close,no matter what. But you know what, I hope he never has to face that.

No way you could step on my toes SWEDE1... I respect your opinions and appreciate your words you've given me. I like someone who shoots straight from the hip.

You know what.... I almost brought home another fur child this weekend. I most certainly couldn't have kept him for good, but I would have fattened him up and found him a good home, that is, IF I HAD BEEN ABLE TO GET MY HANDS ON HIM. It was a beautiful light gray cat with a big head and wide face, blue eyes and a bob tail. A young fellow, probably three monts old. Wild as could be though, finding supper out of a trash bin behind a convenience store. Poor thing, I hate to see them stray. Afraid someone will do something bad to them. I thought of you when I got out and tried to coax the little scruffy guy, don't know why, but you came to mind.

Had a long day today, going to tuck in soon. Waiting for sandman to hit, he doesn't do his job too well anymore... Bye for now.

Connie

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Everyone

Just wanted you all to know that I am thinking of you. My cousin sent this prayer to me today and I wanted to share it with you all, I know we could all use some rest.

Prayer for Peaceful Sleep

Lord God,

Send peaceful sleep

To refresh our tired bodies.

May your help always renew us

and keep us strong in your service.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Into your hands, O Lord, we commend our souls and bodies, beseeching you to keep us this night under your protection and strengthen us for our service on the morrow, for Christ's sake.

Amen.

- Archbishop Laud (1573-1645)

To all those new to our family circle. Welcome!!! I know that you have come to the right place to express you feelings freely. To all my sister's, you guys can really make me laugh sometimes (swede1 and Connie I hope I am invited to the wedding, smile). I went to the gym tonight and did 1 hour of water exercise then another hour of Yoga. I will probably not be able to walk tomorrow, smile.

Littlebug; congratulations on the coming birth of your new family addition. It is great to hear some good news that brings Joy to life. You just keep us posted on your progress and we will give you lots of motherly advice, smile. A couple of us ‘have been there done that’ and you know we have stories to share. I want to add that I know your mother is aware of this happy event and she will be there with you, just learn to listen to her via your heart and soul.

Joseph; Where are you? I miss you.

To all of you in relationships I am praying for you. I do not think that a person that has not experienced the death of a parent or close loved one can relate to the sorrow that we go through. Just know it is safe to come here and share. We will listen.

Much love to all of you and I will post more soon.

Tara, hope you are having a better day! (I write my really long post in word and then copy and paste to site).

Dee, I’m still on my knees and tell that marine of your’s I’m praying for him also (I lost a brother when he was 29 years old, back in 1993).

Well I am going to close for now will try and give my two cents worth tomorrow.

Love and peace to all,

Giselle

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Cantbelieveit, clittlelady, swede1, and Groy58,

Thank you guys for your comforting words and for being there. This site and you guys are true blessings. I am sorry for your losses. Thank God we all found eachother here to share our experiences and to help eachother.

I really do believe that my mom and dad know that I am expecting. And I also feel that they will make sure the baby will be fine. I am 32 and never thought I could ever have children. So, this is a true blessing. It has brought me some joy. I just really wish mom and dad could be here to get to know my child.

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GISELLE: Um hum, Swede and I are quite the crack ups, huh? Maybe a Luch and Ethel Relationship would be more befitting to us. Bet the two of us could get into a few tight spots. Lol Lol

Good for you with the exercises and yoga.... Yeah, no pain, no gain.... I think someone said that who is about 97 pounds! I'm going to physical therapy now four days a week. I seem my Orthopedic doctor February 2. MRI shows I have a bulging disk L4 L5, something like that. Not sure if the therapy is therapy or torture. They've had me in traction and on some other machines???? I've been told this may eliminate some of my pain, but possibly may require the "S" word, which I do not want, but on the other hand, I can't stand being in slow motion. Guess I'll know more after Feb. 2.

Got to go, Court's about to start...

Later.

Connie.

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LITTLEBUG:

Hey, if it's okay, you can consider yourself as having many surrogate aunts here. I bet your Mother would like that, to know you have many friends who want to share in this with you. It's going to be different for you, but try not to let anything overshadow what a special event you have going on now. We'll be here for you. I'll be here. Got to go now...

Take Care until next time...

Connie

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Connie,

I’m glad you can consider this other viewpoint, as I know you only want the very best for Lance ( what an elegant name! ). I’d just hate to see him trying to be like older generations of men – stoically hanging by a thread and doing himself harm in the process. I firmly believe if you talk to him from your heart, he’ll get the entire picture of how grief can be handled with a good balance between feeling it and being optimistic. He’s sure to have a great teacher in YOU, and that’s all parents can try to be for their children. I would have given my eye teeth to have had my Mom talk to me completely honestly about such important matters in life.

And I know why you thought of me when you tried to rescue that poor feline…..cuz my GAL is gray, too!! ( and we’re all connected, as One, right? ) It warmed the cockles of my heart to hear you attempted to help that poor dear one out, as most people just don’t care. Me and my gal thank you for that. His/her tail was probably broken off from either frostbite ( if it’s cold enough where you are for that ) or a fight or accident ( or cruel person ). You’d be quite right to worry about people hurting them, as that’s more common than you’d suspect. So I’m glad you tried. Usually, with some strays and most ferals, they’re too scared to let anyone near them, without some tempting food &/or a humane trap. It’s so sad.

I meant to ask you ( and forgot – it’s this lack of memory thing again ) if you’d gotten any MRI results yet, or did I miss something already? Depending on what’s found, I might have a number of suggestions for you to try ( if it’s skeletal or muscular stuff ), so let us know!

Giselle,

Oh good; I’m glad you want to attend our wedding, as Connie and I will need as many guests as possible in order to afford to stock up on all the file folders and other organizational tools that we’ll have in OUR household! LOL!

I admire you, BTW, for making the commitment to yourself to get out and do yoga and other exercise – wish I had as much inner oomph as you! I’ve really let myself fall apart over the last 2 years and can barely see my old self in the mirror anymore – it’s like ANOTHER loss! And thanks for the thoughts behind that prayer.

Littlebug,

I also forgot ( there I go again! ) to congratulate you on your pregnancy! Yes, I’m sure you can find some good stand-ins here who can offer much motherly advice if and when you need it ( not me, though…unless you give birth to a fuzzy, little kitten! ), which might help you to feel just a little less motherless after the birth. I’ve been wishing for a surrogate mother, in a new friend, for months now, since I don’t have any aunts that really fit that bill, but so far, no luck. There ARE still times I feel like I’m 5, but w/o the concurrent energy level. J

Dee,

Still worrying about you and empathetically reliving some of the pain I myself felt upon losing my fur-boy…..there just aren’t words in the English language to describe such inner pain, and I only wish my magic wand could work wonders for you ( and all of us ). Don’t feel you have to post yet if you’re not up to it – we’ll surely understand. Just know that you have a support network here to hear you out, help you out and lend some cyber-shoulders to lean on.

Time to get on with the day now. I wish you all as much peace and softening into acceptance that you can muster for today.

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