Revelations after a Death

[Leftie46]

After my mum died, my dad told me that before she was born, she gave birth to a boy and a girl (separately, three years apart, but both as a single parent). In both cases, the father abandoned her and in those times, her parents would not support her and sent her away to a mother and baby home. Both children were adopted as babies, and I found out from cousins (who all knew but didn't tell us) that my mum grieved for the loss of her two babies, her whole life. My father didn't know much, he met her not long after the second child was adopted and she told him the bare facts (because he would've found out with local village gossip) but never talked of it to him again. Everyone who knew ANYTHING at all is dead (all my mum's siblings and their partners) and I feel so sorry that she didn't tell me and so angry and let down. I just keep thinking over and over I'd give anything to go back in time and give her the time and space to be able to tell me. I'm sure she tried once but I kind of cut her off cos I thought she was going to talk about sex and that freaked me out. It's really hard to let go of this - I've known for about a year now. I managed to trace her son and he's lovely, we're in touch. Trying to trace my half sister also. Anyone had anything similar happen to them?

I'd love to hear anyone's suggestions on coping with this or anyone's views on it really. I know that maybe it hasn't happened to many other people but I'd just really like some input..... :-/

6 days since this post.... 17 readers, no replies. I would've just really liked one or two comments and felt sure I'd get some kind person prepared to say a word or two, but no, obviously not. It's over a year since these events, I can barely drag myself through the days and just about function for my two children. Absolutely gutted that I couldn't even get any support here. I'll stop bothering to check now.

[dixal545]

hi newbie. im new too and while i dont really know what i can say about your post, as it is not something i have any real experience with, i just wanted to say im pretty gutted for you that nobody replied to your post.

all i can really say is i think it is hard for any child (regardless of their age) to think of their parents as people outside of the box of "mum" or "dad". this isnt really a similar situation, but i remember when i was about 13 i found out my mother had been married and divorced before my father, and that my older brother (who was killed when hit by a car before i was born) was actually my half-brother. it was devastating to find out (also through a cousin the same age as me who knew all along while i was completely oblivious) there was this whole separate life i had no knowledge of.

i was lucky - my mother got to tell me herself, before she died. not that we ever really talked about it that much, but it helped. its sad you didnt get to do the same.

here is my advice (and you might think its silly but ill say it anyway) - say what you want to say to her. say it out loud. you might be of the belief that once a person is gone, they cant hear you, but im not. i think even if youre not sure she can hear you, having a conversation with her about it (albeit a one-sided one) might be therapeutic for you.

all the best, and take care.

[immissingyou]

I have heard so many times of situations where a parent dies and come to find out, the parent was not exactly as the child (typically an adult child) had pictured them for so long. It's hard to seperate that our parents are people outside of being a 'parent' and that just like every other person out there, have their secrets, their skeletons and that our perception of them is not necessarily reality. I am so very sorry for what you are going through but I think it's important to remember that it doesn't necessarily have relevance on your individual relationship with your parent - just a part of their life that shaped who they were and what they brought to the table.