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karen9921

13 days ago my beautiful mom passed

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Hello, I am new to this website.  I lost my mom Jan. 18th.  I think I am just now beginning to wake up, I have been so numb.  Now I am in total disbelief.  My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  It was small as a pea.  The doctors were very upbeat about her case.  She went thru the chemo, and radiation like a champ.  Lost some weight, but other than that she did really good.  2 weeks after treatments were over, she just felt so tired all the time, she started retaining fluids, ended up with pneumonia, which led to a microorganism that got to her heart, went into heart failure, then the blood platelets dropped to 24, then the blood clots  started appearing all thru out her body which cut off circulation to her feet, hands, watched her lose one hand, two hands, one foot, two feet, then her nose turned crisp black, cheeks, ear, teeth, lips black from lack of oxygen.  A blood clot dislodged and she had a embolism in the lung.  Gone!!! What happened, what went so gravely wrong.  Why did she have to suffer.  My mom was my best friend, we were so very close.  It just should not have happened this way.  I look at our Christmas photos.  She was so beautiful, so alive - then today she is dead.  I am slowly trying to put all this together to make some kind of sense of it.

She suffered very badly for the last two weeks of her life, she told me she was ready to go be with my dad in heaven.  I told my mom that as much as I didn't want to lose her, I understood her wishes, and she had my blessings.  That was so hard to say but I had to do it for her.  When she died I was in the room, the preacher came in and asked if he could say a prayer.  It had been raining all morning, and as the minister prayed, a ray of sunlight beamed in her room and gently touched her forehead.  I knew then, there is a God and my mom is in heaven and that brings me great comfort.  I know she wouldn't have wanted to live in the condition that she was in, but I would have taken care her no matter what.  I just want her back, just one more day, just to hold her.  I know longer am afraid of death, because I know when I die, I will get more than 1 day, and I will hold her forever.

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karen63   

hello,

So sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom on 12/28/07, one month to the day that my maternal grandma died. My grandma was 96, so we knew that she may not have long to live. The last week of her life was spent in the hospital. That was a brutal loss for me, but I thought I would have my mom to rely on. Christmas night my seemingly healthy mom experienced excrutiating stomach pains and went into the hospital and died 3 days later. She also had a dislodged blood clot that travelled from her heart down to her intestines where her intestines died. They took her into surgery and told us there was no hope to save her. My dad and two brothers were with her when she passed, I could not bear being there at the time. I am the baby of the family,44, and my siblings are all in their 50s. Needless to say, I was the closest to her. When she died, a large part of me went with her...Im still dealing with the constant mess of emotions.....the first month after her passing, I was a zombie! I would xanax and just lay on my couch and only eat,sleep & cry. I only felt the fog lift a couple days ago. It sounds like you have a good faith in God. Cling on to what helps you through this. I myself am not to religious even though I was brought up catholic and my mom & grandma were devout catholics. My moms favorite prayer is the  "Serenity Prayer"- and I started saying that prayer everytime I went into the depths of dispair. And, in a way, it did comfort me. I can remember my mom reciting that prayer during her hardships and I would just sigh and roll my eyes- I never thought I would use that prayer one to day to get through my mothers death. Life can be so so cruel! But we have no choice but to move on even though we dont feel like it. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

 

Karen   

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karen63   

hello,

So sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom on 12/28/07, one month to the day that my maternal grandma died. My grandma was 96, so we knew that she may not have long to live. The last week of her life was spent in the hospital. That was a brutal loss for me, but I thought I would have my mom to rely on. Christmas night my seemingly healthy mom experienced excrutiating stomach pains and went into the hospital and died 3 days later. She also had a dislodged blood clot that travelled from her heart down to her intestines where her intestines died. They took her into surgery and told us there was no hope to save her. My dad and two brothers were with her when she passed, I could not bear being there at the time. I am the baby of the family,44, and my siblings are all in their 50s. Needless to say, I was the closest to her. When she died, a large part of me went with her...Im still dealing with the constant mess of emotions.....the first month after her passing, I was a zombie! I would xanax and just lay on my couch and only eat,sleep & cry. I only felt the fog lift a couple days ago. It sounds like you have a good faith in God. Cling on to what helps you through this. I myself am not to religious even though I was brought up catholic and my mom & grandma were devout catholics. My moms favorite prayer is the  "Serenity Prayer"- and I started saying that prayer everytime I went into the depths of dispair. And, in a way, it did comfort me. I can remember my mom reciting that prayer during her hardships and I would just sigh and roll my eyes- I never thought I would use that prayer one to day to get through my mothers death. Life can be so so cruel! But we have no choice but to move on even though we dont feel like it. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

 

Karen   

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I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to comprehend the emptiness and loneliness that follows the loss of a mother.  I lost my mom 01/03/08. Somedays it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Others it has just happened. The hardest time for me is the evening time becasue this is the time I spent the most with my mom.  I am really not religious but I have found that prayer does help. My mom was catholic and use to say saying the rosary was more like meditation and I have come to find that she is right.  More nights than not it is the only thing that allows my mind to find rest from the memories.

I find myself looking for one more day or wishing I could have my final conversation with her back.  I would love to look my mother in the eyes and just say "I love you mom".  I know she knows I loved her as I am sure yours does too.  That just doesn't seem to make the pain any better though. Keep your head up, I am not so sure it will ever get better but you will figure out how to deal and accept it in your heart better with time......or so I am told.

 

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sheela   

i feel the same way you do  about death and dying i am no longer afraid either.. i just hope that when my times comes it comes fast and painlessly as possible... i hope to die in my sleep if at all possible .. i dont want to die right now but when my time comes i mean ...

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