Four Years and Still Hurting

[Deleted]

Hi...

I have never posted on a forum before now, but I fell compelled to seek some sort of support.

I lost my cousin Dan in 2008, but you might as well have called him my brother. My family is very close, even extended family is tight-knit. I remember being in shock when he first died and then very sad. I also remember feeling the need to hide my sadness. I was not trying to be strong for anyone or anything, so I am not entirely sure why I felt that way. I just remember wanting to hide my sadness from everyone, even my family or boyfriend (whom I was dating at the time). Even at his funeral, I ran three buildings down the street and away from the entire funeral so I could bawl in a bathroom stall, after I had been holding in all the tears throughout the service.

Anyway, people began to tell me that sharing my grief would help with the healing. I began talking to my family and my (current) boyfriend, but the talking does not seem to help much. I get a bunch of "that feeling is normal" or "I feel the same way" and a whole bunch of other cliches or just silence/listening from the people that never knew him. I know my family lived through everything and several of my friends have also experienced huge losses, but I just feel like they do not understand (for some reason). I don't know what I want to hear (or not hear), but I know that what I have been hearing or not hearing is not working.

Almost four years later, I feel like I should be healing, but I still feel exactly the same. Sure, I can go some days without thinking about Dan, but the moments in which I remember him bring back a hot and intense pain that stops me in my tracks. I break down, albeit only for a few hours or a day or two but still. I just keep waiting for that moment when I will remember him fondly or something, but I still just feel sadness.... the same intense sadness I felt four years ago... just in highly concentrated bursts every couple of weeks.

I really don't know what I'm asking for here, to start healing faster or make the sadness stop or whatever....I really have no idea. I just need some help with something I can't see or say, I guess. Here's to hoping one of you know... thanks for reading.

[ModKonnie]

Hi,

First of all, I am sorry about the loss of your dear cousin. After four years of still suffering the horrible bouts of emotions that you first felt when you were told your cousin had passed, it may be time to talk to a professional and find out why you are not moving forward. A grief counselor may be able to direct your thought processes into a more healthy way to remember your cousin. Sometimes people who have had a sudden and unexpected loss experience some post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. A counselor could certainly help with that.

Why does talking about your loss not help? Do you get angry because you feel as though everyone else has all but forgetten your cousin and you want to keep holding on? Grieving and moving forward doesn't mean you have to ever forget your cousin or the wonderful memories of him. It just means you can process your loss and then learn to eventually remember with a smile or even a laugh of some of the good times you had.

Do you feel guilty that you have lived and he didn't? Are you afraid because you might suffer loss again?

Perhaps we can help you sort through some of your feelings here.

We'd love for you to share the story of your cousin and how wonderful your relationship was. In the meantime, we will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[Deleted]

Hi ModKonnie:

Thanks for your quick response. I really appreciate knowing someone out there cares. I would love to start here in sorting out my feelings.

Right now, the idea of going to a professional counselor in person feels strange. I guess the idea of paying someone to listen to me makes their motives feel somewhat clouded to me. Plus, I do not really care for the idea of being "one of the many" that tromps in and out of an office. I guess I have just not heard a compelling argument in favor of them yet that really speaks to me. I have also never found comfort in knowing that others feel the exact same way that I do, which I know is uncommon and which is also why support groups never seem to make me feel better. I guess I am just a confused enigma. At any rate, posting here is a first little step I suppose.

I am not sure why talking about my loss with others does not help. I suppose that I just feel like most of the time, the people I talk with expect me to motivate the conversation. I think I operate best when people just ask me lots of questions and then coax me into talking, allowing me to slowly unfold my thoughts and unravel my feelings. Usually, they just sit there and expect me to direct the entire conversation. Since I am still trying to sort of my emotions and feelings, I think I just really need someone that will take charge and help me figure everything out. To their credit, I imagine that most family and friends are just worried that they'll say something that upsets me or will cause me to withdraw, so I can understand their silence/limited contributions in the conversation. Plus, I think that many of them think I am healed more than I really am.

I do not feel guilty that I lived and he didn't, but thank you for asking. I am not sure if I am worried about experiencing loss again, but nothing floats to the forefront of my mind when I think about that question (e.g. I am not consciously worried about losing my mum, my dad, grandparents, etc.... perhaps because I know they have lived a long(er) life).

I know that I did not write much this time around, but I hope you will respond again (or anyone else that feels compelled). I know I am a tough case. Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

Hi,

First of all, I am sorry about the loss of your dear cousin. After four years of still suffering the horrible bouts of emotions that you first felt when you were told your cousin had passed, it may be time to talk to a professional and find out why you are not moving forward. A grief counselor may be able to direct your thought processes into a more healthy way to remember your cousin. Sometimes people who have had a sudden and unexpected loss experience some post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. A counselor could certainly help with that.

Why does talking about your loss not help? Do you get angry because you feel as though everyone else has all but forgetten your cousin and you want to keep holding on? Grieving and moving forward doesn't mean you have to ever forget your cousin or the wonderful memories of him. It just means you can process your loss and then learn to eventually remember with a smile or even a laugh of some of the good times you had.

Do you feel guilty that you have lived and he didn't? Are you afraid because you might suffer loss again?

Perhaps we can help you sort through some of your feelings here.

We'd love for you to share the story of your cousin and how wonderful your relationship was. In the meantime, we will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Prosim,

I can see how talking to a stranger (counselor) seems uncomfortable at the thought, but sometimes it's better than friends because you can be honest, forthright and there is no pre-judgment or expectations for you to behave or think in a certain way. They get paid because they are trained to help ask those right questions that help you sort through your pain and emotional rollercoaster.

However, since you don't like sharing in front of people, have you ever kept a journal? What about any artsy, like have you tried painting how you feel or writing a song or poetry?

Does your loss make you afraid to love again in case you get hurt?

Do you feel abandoned and helpless, like you can't control what happens?

Are you afraid you will die next?

I am glad you are posting here. While it may appear as though people aren't listening at times, we have lots of people who are too lost in their grief to respond to others; instead, they come here to read and reflect.

So, just know we are here to listen.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Prosim,

I can see how talking to a stranger (counselor) seems uncomfortable at the thought, but sometimes it's better than friends because you can be honest, forthright and there is no pre-judgment or expectations for you to behave or think in a certain way. They get paid because they are trained to help ask those right questions that help you sort through your pain and emotional rollercoaster.

However, since you don't like sharing in front of people, have you ever kept a journal? What about any artsy, like have you tried painting how you feel or writing a song or poetry?

Does your loss make you afraid to love again in case you get hurt?

Do you feel abandoned and helpless, like you can't control what happens?

Are you afraid you will die next?

I am glad you are posting here. While it may appear as though people aren't listening at times, we have lots of people who are too lost in their grief to respond to others; instead, they come here to read and reflect.

So, just know we are here to listen.

ModKonnie

[Deleted]

Hi ModKonnie:

I like your idea of keeping a journal. I just wish I had the time. Life is too busy. I also like to paint, but I hardly have the time to set everything up and clean everything up. The biggest problem is that these waves of emotion come randomly, usually at an inopportune time.

To answer your questions:

I am not really afraid to love again. In fact, I am currently in a loving relationship of two years with my boyfriend. The only real hurt associated with my cousin in that sense is the fact that he'll never get to meet my boyfriend or my husband or attend my wedding, etc. etc. It also makes it hard to talk my boyfriend about my cousin since my boyfriend never knew him. They never had a chance to meet. That makes me more sad than fearful to love again. I am just sad that my cousin is going to miss out on so many important phases of my life and that he'll also never have a to live his life, have a wife, have kids, etc. Maybe I sound selfish.

To answer your question about feeling helpless, I actually feel the opposite and feel more empowered than anything else. I feel more control over my life than before. I have learned from my cousin that you have to cherish life and make things happen because you do not have time to sit around and hope they happen "someday". He beat cancer when we were kids, so I learned this lesson even before he passed away. Your "time" could be up at any moment, without warning. I love to make lists and accomplish things, be they housework or vacations or Bucket List items, etc. etc. All my friends and family know me as the "go-getter" who gets things done.

As far as being worried that I might die next, I am not too worried. I know that the Lord takes everyone exactly when they are meant to be taken, and I know precisely where I am going after I die. I take comfort in knowing those things. I may not know when I will be taken, but I am not going to worry because I know the Big Guy upstairs knows. Nothing happens on accident and there is no use stressing over something I cannot control. I mean, I still exercise daily and eat healthy and avoid dangerous situations and such, but death does not frighten me in the least. While I know my cousin is also up there with Him, this fact interestingly enough does little to comfort me. Spiritual counseling has really done little to aid my healing.

I apologize if I am not answering your questions in a way that makes understanding why I am so sad easy to identify. I am being honest, and I have thought about these things before. Clearly something else is hindering my healing. As I have said before, I am too complicated for my own good. I hope you (or anyone else) keeps responding.

Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

Prosim,

I can see how talking to a stranger (counselor) seems uncomfortable at the thought, but sometimes it's better than friends because you can be honest, forthright and there is no pre-judgment or expectations for you to behave or think in a certain way. They get paid because they are trained to help ask those right questions that help you sort through your pain and emotional rollercoaster.

However, since you don't like sharing in front of people, have you ever kept a journal? What about any artsy, like have you tried painting how you feel or writing a song or poetry?

Does your loss make you afraid to love again in case you get hurt?

Do you feel abandoned and helpless, like you can't control what happens?

Are you afraid you will die next?

I am glad you are posting here. While it may appear as though people aren't listening at times, we have lots of people who are too lost in their grief to respond to others; instead, they come here to read and reflect.

So, just know we are here to listen.

ModKonnie

[Deleted]

I guess everyone here gave up on me...... just like most people. Guess I'll carry this complicated hurt inside forever.....

Hi ModKonnie:

I like your idea of keeping a journal. I just wish I had the time. Life is too busy. I also like to paint, but I hardly have the time to set everything up and clean everything up. The biggest problem is that these waves of emotion come randomly, usually at an inopportune time.

To answer your questions:

I am not really afraid to love again. In fact, I am currently in a loving relationship of two years with my boyfriend. The only real hurt associated with my cousin in that sense is the fact that he'll never get to meet my boyfriend or my husband or attend my wedding, etc. etc. It also makes it hard to talk my boyfriend about my cousin since my boyfriend never knew him. They never had a chance to meet. That makes me more sad than fearful to love again. I am just sad that my cousin is going to miss out on so many important phases of my life and that he'll also never have a to live his life, have a wife, have kids, etc. Maybe I sound selfish.

To answer your question about feeling helpless, I actually feel the opposite and feel more empowered than anything else. I feel more control over my life than before. I have learned from my cousin that you have to cherish life and make things happen because you do not have time to sit around and hope they happen "someday". He beat cancer when we were kids, so I learned this lesson even before he passed away. Your "time" could be up at any moment, without warning. I love to make lists and accomplish things, be they housework or vacations or Bucket List items, etc. etc. All my friends and family know me as the "go-getter" who gets things done.

As far as being worried that I might die next, I am not too worried. I know that the Lord takes everyone exactly when they are meant to be taken, and I know precisely where I am going after I die. I take comfort in knowing those things. I may not know when I will be taken, but I am not going to worry because I know the Big Guy upstairs knows. Nothing happens on accident and there is no use stressing over something I cannot control. I mean, I still exercise daily and eat healthy and avoid dangerous situations and such, but death does not frighten me in the least. While I know my cousin is also up there with Him, this fact interestingly enough does little to comfort me. Spiritual counseling has really done little to aid my healing.

I apologize if I am not answering your questions in a way that makes understanding why I am so sad easy to identify. I am being honest, and I have thought about these things before. Clearly something else is hindering my healing. As I have said before, I am too complicated for my own good. I hope you (or anyone else) keeps responding.

Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

[ModKonnie]

Prosim,

Honestly, I am sorry. I didn't give up. There are tons of people who read these posts, but at the place where they are in their grief, they just don't respond.

So, you answered my questions, and I have another one--Do you feel guilty? Do you feel cheated? When you think deeply, what do you think may be hindering your movement forward? Are you afraid you will forget?

I am really sorry I missed responding to you.

ModKonnie

I guess everyone here gave up on me...... just like most people. Guess I'll carry this complicated hurt inside forever.....

[Deleted]

Hi ModKonnie:

Thanks for answering. I apologize for my giant outburst. I just have a hard time opening up to people. When I do open up, I feel very vulnerable and am easily hurt. I noticed that you reply to many threads on this website, so I understand that you are quite busy. Thanks for taking the time to reach out again.

To answer your questions, I do not think I really feel guilty, but I do think I feel cheated.... not in the sense that I feel cheated like he was taken away from me..... but I feel like HE was cheated out of life (he died at 22 from a biking accident). I am sad for him. I am sad that he will not experience many of life's wonderful moments (e.g. kids, marriage, etc.). He battled cancer as a child and overcame, so I know he was enjoying and appreciating life fully up until his death.... but I still feel like he was cheated.

I also think I am angry at the situation of his death. His accident occurred in the mountains, and he had to be air-lifted twice to two different hospitals. The first hospital, in a tiny town that was nearby, did not have the means to handle such an intense injury. As such, they had to airlift again to a second hospital in a bigger town nearby. When he arrived, he was rushed into surgery, but too much time had passed. If he had been in surgery TWENTY MINUTES earlier, the surgeons said he would have survived. TWENTY MINUTES. By nature of the location of his accident, he was cheated. A person experiencing the SAME injury closer to a big hospital would have EASILY lived. The cards were stacked against him. He was cheated.

Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

Prosim,

Honestly, I am sorry. I didn't give up. There are tons of people who read these posts, but at the place where they are in their grief, they just don't respond.

So, you answered my questions, and I have another one--Do you feel guilty? Do you feel cheated? When you think deeply, what do you think may be hindering your movement forward? Are you afraid you will forget?

I am really sorry I missed responding to you.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

HI Prosim,

I perfectly understand about giant outbursts. I just had one myself, and I threated to run away from home (I'm the mom to four children). Sometimes, a person just has to unload.

As far as cheated, well, we just can't dwell on the what ifs and might have beens. Twenty minutes may have made a difference, but then again, we will never be sure. I feel cheated at times for some of my losses, so I understand. I don't know why things happen, I just know that they do.

And hey, I answer everyone I see on the boards because I care. I feel really bad when I miss people. I can tell you, too, that you should feel free to welcome people and talk to them if you are reading their posts. They would certainly welcome some conversation. And sometimes, when we help others, we also help ourselves. It's amazing how that works.

I hope your day went well,

ModKonnie

Hi ModKonnie:

Thanks for answering. I apologize for my giant outburst. I just have a hard time opening up to people. When I do open up, I feel very vulnerable and am easily hurt. I noticed that you reply to many threads on this website, so I understand that you are quite busy. Thanks for taking the time to reach out again.

To answer your questions, I do not think I really feel guilty, but I do think I feel cheated.... not in the sense that I feel cheated like he was taken away from me..... but I feel like HE was cheated out of life (he died at 22 from a biking accident). I am sad for him. I am sad that he will not experience many of life's wonderful moments (e.g. kids, marriage, etc.). He battled cancer as a child and overcame, so I know he was enjoying and appreciating life fully up until his death.... but I still feel like he was cheated.

I also think I am angry at the situation of his death. His accident occurred in the mountains, and he had to be air-lifted twice to two different hospitals. The first hospital, in a tiny town that was nearby, did not have the means to handle such an intense injury. As such, they had to airlift again to a second hospital in a bigger town nearby. When he arrived, he was rushed into surgery, but too much time had passed. If he had been in surgery TWENTY MINUTES earlier, the surgeons said he would have survived. TWENTY MINUTES. By nature of the location of his accident, he was cheated. A person experiencing the SAME injury closer to a big hospital would have EASILY lived. The cards were stacked against him. He was cheated.

Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

[Deleted]

Hi ModKonnie:

Thanks for responding. I am sorry that you had an outburst too. They can be really hard. I know because I am having a meltdown right now.... those ones that come every once in awhile and shut me down. Sorry for any typing errors. My vision is all blurry.

I don't have much to say. I wish I wasn't sad anymore.

Thanks for reading.

- Prosim

HI Prosim,

I perfectly understand about giant outbursts. I just had one myself, and I threated to run away from home (I'm the mom to four children). Sometimes, a person just has to unload.

As far as cheated, well, we just can't dwell on the what ifs and might have beens. Twenty minutes may have made a difference, but then again, we will never be sure. I feel cheated at times for some of my losses, so I understand. I don't know why things happen, I just know that they do.

And hey, I answer everyone I see on the boards because I care. I feel really bad when I miss people. I can tell you, too, that you should feel free to welcome people and talk to them if you are reading their posts. They would certainly welcome some conversation. And sometimes, when we help others, we also help ourselves. It's amazing how that works.

I hope your day went well,

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Prosim,

What is your meltdown about today? What are you experiencing? How are you feeling? Thanks for asking about me, it means alot.

ModKonnie

[Deleted]

Hi ModKonnie:

My meltdown is always the same - just one of those hot, intense moments of grief where I miss Dan. I think I told you about them in my early posts. I am not constantly sad about losing him, but the waves of emotion that do come are very, very painful. Whenever I am stressed, I seem to be more easily triggered, and I suppose I am fairly stressed with school and life at the moment. Today I was triggered watching Grey's Anatomy on television. I don't usually have problems with the show, but today a sad scene just sent me spiraling downwards. The scene was a father being removed from life support - not related to my memory of Dan or his death in any way, but the sad people in the episode just pushed me into that frame of mind I suppose. Maybe I sound ridiculous.

I ran back here to try and write my feelings while I was in that intense moment - perhaps to shed better insight into my pain, but I really had nothing to say. I know most of what I have said here so far has not been very helpful, and I was hoping to say something that would be more helpful. Everything I wrote, however, did not seem to fit quite right. I still cannot seem to categorize my sadness or explain my feelings. I am just so sad and do not know why. I am feeling better now, but I was in fits of tears for a good six or eight hours. The emotion affected my entire day. Today was bad.

Thanks for responding so quickly. I hope you write back again, and I hope you are doing okay too.

- Prosim

Prosim,

What is your meltdown about today? What are you experiencing? How are you feeling? Thanks for asking about me, it means alot.

ModKonnie

[Deleted]

And again..... people fall off the face of the earth and just leave me here.......