Hard Stage In Grieving

[hikinmike]

My wife died 6 July 2011. Feels a lot more recent. I was sole caregiver for almost 3 years, liver failure, transplant, failure of transplant, hospital-caused infections, horrible final stage. I'm all over the spectrum. Lately very angry with her for abusive drinking after being to;d the severity of her disease (retired GI, picked up hepatitis, didn't know she had it until a VA exam resulted in her being told her viral count was high). She shortened her life by drinking after undergoing Interferon treatment. She was arrogant, always landed on her feet like a cat...except this last time. Then I'm angry with myself. She also had COPD and her final days in the hospice were horrid to witness. I didn't ,have the courage to lean in with a pillow and end her terrible ordeal. Having a difficult time holding an interest in anything. Have finally gotten health insurance on my own, after coverage through her former employer stopped. Damn, COBRA is expensive. Hope to start seeing a shrink again. It seems I need some of the meds I took for a while. Truth be, I wouldn't mind if a gator snatched me.<br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;"><br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">So odd to be this affected. My parents died young, family caregivers died along the way. My first two kids died 18 months apart (1970s). No stranger to death. Final straw came in November. Our cat came up missing. I've shared life with a few of those critters, but he was my Main Man, especially during my wife's prolonged demise. I think I actually miss him more than I do my wife. <br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;"><br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">Have a family of believers who assure me of some reunion in the hereafter. Attended a Jesuit University, have read LOTS. But I'm a non-theist. Have tried to accept, open up and be filled...but no Creation Myths grab me. Got a very bleak landscape. I envy those of you who have faith.<br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">

What's with the funky editing in the post...no paragraphs where I put them.

[ModKonnie]

My wife died 6 July 2011. Feels a lot more recent. I was sole caregiver for almost 3 years, liver failure, transplant, failure of transplant, hospital-caused infections, horrible final stage. I'm all over the spectrum. Lately very angry with her for abusive drinking after being to;d the severity of her disease (retired GI, picked up hepatitis, didn't know she had it until a VA exam resulted in her being told her viral count was high). She shortened her life by drinking after undergoing Interferon treatment. She was arrogant, always landed on her feet like a cat...except this last time. Then I'm angry with myself. She also had COPD and her final days in the hospice were horrid to witness. I didn't ,have the courage to lean in with a pillow and end her terrible ordeal. Having a difficult time holding an interest in anything. Have finally gotten health insurance on my own, after coverage through her former employer stopped. Damn, COBRA is expensive. Hope to start seeing a shrink again. It seems I need some of the meds I took for a while. Truth be, I wouldn't mind if a gator snatched me.<br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;"><br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">So odd to be this affected. My parents died young, family caregivers died along the way. My first two kids died 18 months apart (1970s). No stranger to death. Final straw came in November. Our cat came up missing. I've shared life with a few of those critters, but he was my Main Man, especially during my wife's prolonged demise. I think I actually miss him more than I do my wife. <br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;"><br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">Have a family of believers who assure me of some reunion in the hereafter. Attended a Jesuit University, have read LOTS. But I'm a non-theist. Have tried to accept, open up and be filled...but no Creation Myths grab me. Got a very bleak landscape. I envy those of you who have faith.<br style="border-color: black; color: black; text-decoration: none; background-image: none; background-color: transparent;">

What's with the funky editing in the post...no paragraphs where I put them.

Hikinmike,

I am sorry about your losses. Of course you are feeling all sorts of ways. I hope you can go to a counselor, too. In the meantime, coming here helps LOTS of people. Talking about your feelings is the best way to get them out, deal with them and then move forward as best as you can.

I have no clue why the editing is so funky. It's just the program. But that's okay. I can read your post perfectly.

We look forward to hearing more from you,

ModKonnie

[hikinmike]

Hikinmike,

I am sorry about your losses. Of course you are feeling all sorts of ways. I hope you can go to a counselor, too. In the meantime, coming here helps LOTS of people. Talking about your feelings is the best way to get them out, deal with them and then move forward as best as you can.

I have no clue why the editing is so funky. It's just the program. But that's okay. I can read your post perfectly.

We look forward to hearing more from you,

ModKonnie

Thanks for the response. I am beginning to realize how twisted my thinking gets the more I isolate. So far this mix of grief, anger, lethargy, etc. at least makes me realize just how deep and real my feelings for my wife were (are). Damn she could be a pain in the butt, yet I did enjoy our time together...and miss it.

[ModKonnie]

Thanks for the response. I am beginning to realize how twisted my thinking gets the more I isolate. So far this mix of grief, anger, lethargy, etc. at least makes me realize just how deep and real my feelings for my wife were (are). Damn she could be a pain in the butt, yet I did enjoy our time together...and miss it.

Hikinmike,

Well, of course your feelings were deep for your wife--you married her, so obviously something deep and significant was going on. I know about spouses being pains in the butt--but well, I guess we can be that way, too, huh? I know you enjoyed your time together and you miss it. But you will find other things to enjoy and miss. It's just going to take some time. I hope you stop isolating. I know you don't FEEL like getting out and talking to others or interacting, but it will help you. Try joining a club, group or program that you always WANTED to do, but never did because you made every excuse not to. It may help you. (I mean stuff like go back to school, join a martial arts club, enter a contest for sculpting, train for a triathlon, volunteer at the library, etc...). Perhaps doing something different will be a welcomed routine, and you may find others who need your involvement, too. What do you like to do?

ModKonnie

[Maddy6]

Hikinmike,I understand your feelings of loss and confusion right now. For so long there was such an intense demand on you as you sought to help your wife. Then everything abruptly stops. Only for you, it is the caregiving, as well as the loss of your wife. You were probably so busy caring for your wife that you did not stop to think about what the future would hold after she died. The cat was probably a bright little reprieve during your day as you struggled to assist your wife. He probably meant more than you realize. I know we think, oh, it is just an animal. But somehow they become more. Perhaps since you knew you were losing your wife you emotionally attached to the cat. My daughter died 4 years ago. Her siblings all struggled tremendously over her loss. One of my son's who was in his late teens, began to become really depressed over his sister's loss. Well he ended up getting this dog named Henry. So while our familyhaws sad, here would come Henry, bounding joyously through life, oblivious to our pain, happy to be alive. We all latched onto Henry and he kept us going. That little dog who loved life. We actually had another dog besides Henry, but it was Henry who loved life with a passion. I believe Henry is a gift from God. I truly do, because he has he has helped us to keep our sanity. Now while he is just a dog.....I love him like he were my child, and will be eternally grateful to him. His joy, fun, and love of life, were some days all we had to hang onto. I know he saved my son's life by giving him something to hold onto that was his. Anyway, sorry for rambling..........I hope your cat returns. Sometimes they do that. They run around for a few weeks and then come back. I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife and your cat. Try to get out and plug back onto life. Check out your Community College and take some classes. After my daughter died I went back to college. I now am in my junior year. It has been a great diversion for me, as well as a positive direction to move in. Please come back and talk o us any time you need to. We will listen and we care, Maddy ~~~~~~~~also, are you on an iPad? Mine is funky when I am on the iPad.