I CANT TAKE ANYMORE!!!

[Kapet]

Im still trying to deal with my little brothers death. I have not been able to except it at all! Then my aunt passed away 6 months to the day after my brother. On Friday my son (Joey) called me on my cell at work. He was crying and sounded paniced on the phone. He said they're taking dad! I asked who was taking dad? His phone went dead. I called him right back and asked what he was talking about. He said the fire dept is here and the paramedics are here with an ambulance and they're taking dad away. I yelled whats going on! His phone went dead again. I called back and he said he didnt know what was going on. I told him to have his brother (Michael) come pick me up. Then I called his brother (they are twins, 19 yrs old) My older son (Anthony, 21) was at work. I got no answer on his phone. The principal at the school I work at said she would drive me home. We were all set to leave when Michael called me, he said dad had a heart attack and said he was on his way to get me. I went outside to wait and decided I would start walking to meet up with him. I kicked off my shoes and began running down the street. I saw a police car pass by, then I heard the sirens. I looked up and there was the ambulance with Michael following right on his tail. I jumped in the car and we were off. Drafting the ambulance the whole way there I kept telling him to back off a little. We made it te the hospital at the same time as the ambulance. Went into the ER and waiting what seemed to be forever. I was able to ride with my husband up to the Cath Lab in the elevator. 3 minutes. He was grey, cold and clammy. We waited again... My older son, my dad and my sister met us at the hospital and waied with us. The dr finally came into the waiting room and said this was a close call. They were able to put in a stent and clear the blockage that caused his heart attack. They are monitoring him very closly to make sure he doesnt arrest again. Although he will be ok it still seems to add to my depression and anxiety issues. Ive been having problems sleeping since I lost my brother in Sept as it is, Now its just worse. Im not sleeping at all. Im overwhelmed and dont know what to do. They say god doesnt give you what you cant handle, Well I think he needs to read the memo... IVE HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE! I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE! He is pushing me so far over the edge I dont know which way is up anymore. :'(

[vivkib]

Kapet, I am SO very sorry you are going through this horrible time. My heart aches for you. It seems we have to jump so many hurddles when we're in such a raw place. The saying that God doesn't give us more then we can handle may sound good at the best of times but when your world is shattered over and over (as our has been) it sure doesn't help, does it? I read something the other day that made me smile only because it rings so true right now. It said "Dear life, when I say "things could not get any worse", it is NOT a challange". OK so my humor is kind of off sometimes, but it made me smile because I remember just the day before screaming at God that I can't do this any more, it's too much. I don't know why we've been put on this path and may never know, but it doesn't change that we are here. I want to tell you it'll all get better, but I can't. I'm still new to this new life (5 months since my son Kevin passed) so I try to hold on to the hope that what the others who travel this path ahead of me say is true. I've asked God to lighten up on me a little, don't know if He is or not but in time we'll see. I think just the fact that we are on this journey is proof that we are, or at least will be stronger for it. Maybe I'll start to tell myself that God will give me the strength as I need it, or maybe that's just what he does? I don't know but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hugs to you Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Im still trying to deal with my little brothers death. I have not been able to except it at all! Then my aunt passed away 6 months to the day after my brother. On Friday my son (Joey) called me on my cell at work. He was crying and sounded paniced on the phone. He said they're taking dad! I asked who was taking dad? His phone went dead. I called him right back and asked what he was talking about. He said the fire dept is here and the paramedics are here with an ambulance and they're taking dad away. I yelled whats going on! His phone went dead again. I called back and he said he didnt know what was going on. I told him to have his brother (Michael) come pick me up. Then I called his brother (they are twins, 19 yrs old) My older son (Anthony, 21) was at work. I got no answer on his phone. The principal at the school I work at said she would drive me home. We were all set to leave when Michael called me, he said dad had a heart attack and said he was on his way to get me. I went outside to wait and decided I would start walking to meet up with him. I kicked off my shoes and began running down the street. I saw a police car pass by, then I heard the sirens. I looked up and there was the ambulance with Michael following right on his tail. I jumped in the car and we were off. Drafting the ambulance the whole way there I kept telling him to back off a little. We made it te the hospital at the same time as the ambulance. Went into the ER and waiting what seemed to be forever. I was able to ride with my husband up to the Cath Lab in the elevator. 3 minutes. He was grey, cold and clammy. We waited again... My older son, my dad and my sister met us at the hospital and waied with us. The dr finally came into the waiting room and said this was a close call. They were able to put in a stent and clear the blockage that caused his heart attack. They are monitoring him very closly to make sure he doesnt arrest again. Although he will be ok it still seems to add to my depression and anxiety issues. Ive been having problems sleeping since I lost my brother in Sept as it is, Now its just worse. Im not sleeping at all. Im overwhelmed and dont know what to do. They say god doesnt give you what you cant handle, Well I think he needs to read the memo... IVE HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE! I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE! He is pushing me so far over the edge I dont know which way is up anymore. :'(

I am so sorry to see that you are having such a dificult time right now. When it comes it often comes in bunches. Perhaps you can make an appointment to see your family doc regarding your anxiety issues and sleep loss. You have a ton on your plate to deal with right now and getting some degree of decent sleep will at least give you the added strength that you need to get through the next few weeks. Perhaps a mild sleeping pill will be just enough to help ease the anxiety.

Don't lose faith. You will find an inner strength to get through this. Good luck with your husband and I will keep all of you in my prayers. Take care.

Kate

[Kapet]

Thank you Kate. m so trying to get some sleep. I catually collapsed last night. The bad thing was I brought my husband down with me. 2 of my sons came running. They picked up my husband (he is ok) He was just shaken up. Then they picked me up and got me into bed. I was able to sleep for 3 hours. But then I was up the rest of the night. Ive tried sleeping pills. for some reason they dont work. But thank you very much and your in my thoughts too!

[Kapet]

So I went to the cemetary to visit my brother yesterday. I get there and I notice tire track going across where his feet would be. I looked around and noticed tire tracks in circular motion all around the area where he is burried. I was so upset I started to cry. So this morning I called the public works dept and demanded to speak to the person in charge. I told him what I saw. He said it may have been their trucks going in to dig another plot. There are only 2 other people burried near my brother and they have been there for years. He asked what section Steve is in. When I told him he said OMG theres nobody out there except a few. He said he would take a ride ot there and call me back. So he did, He tried telling me that they were tractor track from October. REALLY??? I lost it! OCTOBER?? We are in March! Tire tracks would not still be there. And I am there almost every day I think I would have noticed tire tracks before now! After I screamed at him for a while telling him to use his common sense, He told the police go through there all the time. I explained that I am there just about every day at different times of the day and when I go Im usually there for at least an hour if not longer. I have NEVER seen any cruisers in that cemetary. Or as I drive by there. He finally apologized and said he would look into it for me. I told him how to me it looks like someone has been joy riding through there. Who would do such a thing??? Isnt it bad enough that we have to visit our loved ones there without having to get there and see something like this! IM SO DAMN ANGRY!

[Larina]

We lost my cousin Bobby almost 10 years ago. Bobby was only 21 and was very well known. Well my aunt and family would go out to visit Bobby every day. They would always take a trash bag with them. We have found beer bottles empty and full. we have found joints cigarettes, condoms yes CONDOMS. We have placed four sets of eternal lights out there and they get stolen all the time. about a week ago we went out to see my brother who we buried almost 3 weeks ago we notice several stones broke in half and tipped over. We called the caretaker and his words the cops visit all the time. Yeah right. We are so scared to put stuff out there with Duke its sad. We went out once and someone stole his flowers. His grave is so empty it is sad. It looks like noone cared about him. but why put stuff out there just to be stolen.

So I went to the cemetary to visit my brother yesterday. I get there and I notice tire track going across where his feet would be. I looked around and noticed tire tracks in circular motion all around the area where he is burried. I was so upset I started to cry. So this morning I called the public works dept and demanded to speak to the person in charge. I told him what I saw. He said it may have been their trucks going in to dig another plot. There are only 2 other people burried near my brother and they have been there for years. He asked what section Steve is in. When I told him he said OMG theres nobody out there except a few. He said he would take a ride ot there and call me back. So he did, He tried telling me that they were tractor track from October. REALLY??? I lost it! OCTOBER?? We are in March! Tire tracks would not still be there. And I am there almost every day I think I would have noticed tire tracks before now! After I screamed at him for a while telling him to use his common sense, He told the police go through there all the time. I explained that I am there just about every day at different times of the day and when I go Im usually there for at least an hour if not longer. I have NEVER seen any cruisers in that cemetary. Or as I drive by there. He finally apologized and said he would look into it for me. I told him how to me it looks like someone has been joy riding through there. Who would do such a thing??? Isnt it bad enough that we have to visit our loved ones there without having to get there and see something like this! IM SO DAMN ANGRY!

[Kapet]

Thats awful! People just have no respect for the resting or for the loved ones that have to visit them. My dad put mums out last fall. They were beautiful. Very hearty. The next day tey were gone. Thats really the only thing that has been stolen off his grave. My dad always had a thing for ornaments at christmas time. For every special event that happened that year or just because he liked it. He would buy them. If he sees one he likes he always buys 2. 1 for his tree and 1 for mine. I do the same thing to him. This past christmas he bought an ornament for Steve. A crystal angel sitting on a brass bell. The bell is engraved... Everytime a bell rings a special angel gets his wings. Dad bought a few of them. 1 for his tree 1 for mine and a few in case it disappeared from the grave. We went together and hung it on his name plate. Its still there. I have placed a glass mirrored I love You poem over his name plate and thats still there too. My son and his girlfriend decorated and tiny christmas tree for him and thats even still there. But to go out joy riding through a cemetary and drive over someones grave is so disrespectful. I just couldnt believe what I saw. Im sorry for your loss. And Im sorry you cant put things there for fear they will be taken. Its not right! But Im sure he knows you care. Before the grass grew there were alot of little stones and pebbles around. I was sitting beside his gravesite. While I was talking to him I was playing with the stones. I ended up with quite a little pile there. So I decided to leave a message. I used them to write "I love you!" I pressed each one into the ground. The grass has grown somewhat but I can still see the stones there. I know my message to my little brother will always be there.

[ada33r]

Kapet,

I'm sorry for the passing of your little brother and your aunt, sometimes it just seems that you haven't even gotten close to feeling better when something else just steps all over you and crushes your spirit. I think that all of us, in one way or another, have felt that the world is coming down all around us. My husband and I have faced dire conditions when we have had no job and no money for anything, food, gas, etc. But just when you think you are about to step off that ledge like you can't handle it anymore, something happens that brings us hope and joy and delight, even if it's just temporary. This might not necessarily be what WE are looking for as an answer or relief, but it is definitely something that relieves our anxieties in some sort of way. We always try to hold on to the hope that is extended to us in the Bible, it has always been a source of peace for me. In Philippians 4:7 that reads: "The peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus." This peace does not come through mere meditation or character development. Rather, it comes from God. This peace is so powerful that it "excels all thought." It surpasses all our anxieties, knowledge, and reasoning. We might see no way out of our problems, but God's peace can fill us with the well-founded hope that one day in the future, all our troubles will be gone. Even though this hope would not completely eliminate the deep loss we feel when a loved one dies, it eases our pain.

Also, about your sleeping issues. I don't know if you are one to try natural remedies but I just came across a really good herb mix that helps release muscle spasms, imbalances of the nervous system, anxiety, is a mild sedative, and it's highly nutritive since I'm sure you might not be eating very well. I just bought it a few days ago and can't wait to make it. It's actually a tincture. I can give you the name of the website so you can check it out yourself if you'd like.

Vivian,

Please accept my condolences for the terrible loss of your son, there is nothing I can say that will bring him back but I can only say to hang in there and be strong. Sadly, this traumatic event is not something you will ever completely recover from. The truth is Vivian that it is unnatural for us to lose our children, and I'm sure one of the most painful events in our entire lives. I have a little one, she's 1-1/2 years old. She is my whole life and even though I cannot relate to what you are going through I shudder to think of what it could be like. I'm so sorry. There is one scripture that stands out to me after losing a loved one in death and that is the promise from God of a resurrection, to be able to see them again. It's found in John 5:28,29 that says: "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out." This promise and the guidance from God's word will enable you to face your current challenges and the pain you are going through. It has helped me go through some of the hardest situations, times when otherwise I would have certainly gone crazy. Be assured that our loving God, Jehovah, sees everything and knows what we need even before we ask him.

Much love to you both,

Ada

[jericho]

Kapet, you truly have had an awful lot to deal with. I went through a stretch like that several years ago when I lost my brother to suicide, my mother in law and my father to alzheimer's. I kept thinking why is God punishing me. Does her really think I can get through all of this? I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings due to depression. I was braced for the NEXT loss every minute of the day. I did make it and if I can make it you can make it. The adrenaline rushes that come with these things is hard on our bodies and you need to be very gentle with yourself. Let your family know that your time of being the rock of the family is over, at least for a while. Rely on them to help you through this. After I lost my brother I couldn't even make a decision, a simple decision. I couldn't sleep. I tried to undo the events somehow. Try to be in the moment and not stack up all of the events or it will be a weight too heavy to lift. It sounds like your husband will make it through and perhaps the event will have extended his life because of the actions taken. Let yourself grieve for your brother but remember to let yourself be calm and gentle to the wounded woman inside. You can make it through. I did and I'm no one special at all.