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Lela

Lost my Fiance to suicide. It's my fault.

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Lela   

I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date, time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass, but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost 8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house, everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument, I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay, I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am so, so sad that he felt this way. I feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and yet I treated him so poorly. I could have been a better girlfriend and fiance. Just a better person. But I didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a horrible human being. And now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old.

And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?

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Kenn   

Hi Lela,

I'm so sorry that your fiance was battling depression and this happened. However I don't think its fair for you to blame yourself for his death. Depression is a demon that takes the life out of some people if they can't get it under control. I think every relationship has suffered over disagreements at some time or other, so the argument didn't actually cause him to commit suicide.

Mental illness is horrible, but it happens in almost every family, and sometimes there seems to be no evident cause. If you were God you could have known that he might actually go through with his threats, but you aren't God. All I know is, you aren't the cause, his depression is.

My daughter died in July and I beat myself up horribly because I couldn't save her. It took me a while to finally remind myself that I'm not God, so I didn't know how to save her. If I had known what to do to save her I would have done it. If you had known that your fiance was going to commit suicide you would have done anything to save him. His death is not your fault.

If I could go back and know what I know now I would have done so many things different, and possibly my daughter may not have died.

If I could go back knowing what I know now, but I can't go back, and I didn't know, so I forgive myself. Please forgive yourself for not knowing. Please accept that it isn't your fault. It is the fault of mental illness/depression, and if you had only known how to help him you would have. I pray that God will comfort you. God bless you.

I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date, time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass, but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost 8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house, everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument, I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay, I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am so, so sad that he felt this way. I feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and yet I treated him so poorly. I could have been a better girlfriend and fiance. Just a better person. But I didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a horrible human being. And now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old.

And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?

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breeder   

Hi Leyla, its very easy to blame yourself. I was in the same situation as you but it was my brother. he had mental health issues and i was fighting with him alot. its extremely hard, theres no point in saying I know what your going through because I dont everyone grieves differently but I would advise you to talk to people and maybe try get some help as it benefited me. I hope you will be able to cope and please dont blame yourself. your fiance was obviously suffering from mental health which 90% of suicides are a result of. even if you wernt arguing with him he's suicide would probably still of occurred and the arguments were probably the result of his mental health issue. I hope you will be able to find someone close to you that you can talk to. if you ever want a chat feel free to PM me.

Thanks & Best wishes xx

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Maddy6   
1330479383' post='84659']

I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date, time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass, but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost 8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house, everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument, I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay, I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am so, so sad that he felt this way. I feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and yet I treated him so poorly. I could have been a better girlfriend and fiance. Just a better person. But I didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a horrible human being. And now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old.

And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?

Lela,Please do not blame yourself for your fiancé's decision. You loved him. What relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs? My husband and I are married 31 years and we dated 2 years before we were married. We used to fight terribly in the beginning of our relationship. Many people do in the beginning as they learn to blend their lives into one. Arguing with someone you love is not a reason to take your life. Neither is arguing on a regular basis. There are other options that are never as extreme as taking your life. I say all of that to prove to you that you are NOT responsible for the choice your fiancé made. He is. Please try to move forward and forgive yourself. You did not do anything wrong. Of course you would not have stayed mad at him if you had known he was about to end his life. You thought it was a lover's spat, a silly argument. That is normal. Your fiancé was not in good mental health. He was depressed. While I am not experienced regarding suicide, my daugter's boyfriend committed suicide. Her self blame over his choice are what I believe was at the root of her choice to begin using drugs. These drugs would then claim her life. Lela, please seek help and realize you were NOT at fault. Please realize that like my daughter, you have undergone a terrible shock and it is probable that you will blame yourself. Please try to find a therapist or someone to help you work through this. I am sure there are many people who care about you. Please take care of yourself and seek help so you may process this in a gentle and healthy way.

Maddy

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jericho   

Blaming yourself seems to come naturally. When my brother killed himself I was 1200 miles away and clueless that anything was wrong. For the next several years I blamed myself for not knowing, not calling, not guessing, not fixing him. Ask yourself this question. "Is it reasonable to assume that someone you have an argument with is going to kill themselves?" The logical answer is "no". People have arguments every day. Suicide is not the natural result. Logic is something that only comes with time and in my case it took years. We are thinking with our broken heart and we are so hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up because we can't grab that person and shake them and demand the answer to WHY? You didn't cause his suicide. He loved you and you loved him. Even if you had planned to break up with him and never see him again the natural response on his part would not have been to die. You didn't do anything wrong. If he could somehow speak to you right this minute would he say "you are to blame?" I don't know you or him but I would venture to guess that he would say "you did nothing to cause this." Please be gentle with yourself. You are wounded on a cellular level and healing is hard work. My brother's suicide was in 2002 and I walked beside that death every day until 2008. I have started a blog about surviving their suicide. Feel free to pop by. I hope my experience can help someone here.

http://survivingtheirsuicide.blogspot.com/2012/03/where-to-begin-to-rebuild-your-life.html

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Hi Lela,

My boyfriend of five years (rounding up) killed himself three months ago and I still have not stopped crying since. I think I would have set a world record for the longest cry, and it doesn't seem to be nearing an end either.

You're post is the first thing I've read on "surviving" that I have been able to find that I can relate to. I, like yourself, was horrible to my partner during a fight. I was angry over a recurring argument we'd had for a year, indignant, cold, and stubborn, said awful things to him. He was finally willing to compromise on this recurring issue, and by then I was just angry and stubborn and unaccepting. That night was followed by two nights of him being in tears (I only knew this when his mother later told me) and subsequently taking leave from work to go out of town to recover for next two weeks. I knew he had been suffering greatly having unsuccessfully come off of anti-depressants and was having a severe reaction including frequent panic attacks. Yet, I still was unrelenting and unforgiving. After he left I never saw him again.

The night before he died I spoke to him on the phone and he said, "I wish I could just hold you and watch a movie with you." I said, "yeah, well, we can talk about it once you've stabilised." Those were the last words I ever spoke to him. He was like a hurt child, and I was/am a rotten, insensitive, selfish, and awful human being.

I barely have the will to live anymore. I miss him so unbearably. I am so ashamed and guilty that it makes me sick. I don't think I deserve to live after how I treated him. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I have an ill family member that has no one else in the world to look after but me.

All I want, all I could wish for in the world now would be to just hold him and curl up and watch a movie with him.

I am writing you to find out if after over a year later you have found any way to cope with these feelings of shame and guilt, if time or what has helped you if anything, or if it's gotten worse? How are you now?

I hope for your sake and my own that there is some way out.

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HI,

I can so relate to what has happened to you.My fiance commited suicide in front of me on the 4th Jan 2013.He left behind me and our beautiful 4 month old son.I cry everyday.Its hard to find people to talk to who understand.I go through blame,anger etc all the emotions get flooded at me all at once.He had a mental illness but would not except he had it.I miss him every minute of everyday.I dont blame him,i blame me for not being able to help him.I go through the what ifs over and over.If you need to talk please feel free to email me on shellbelle73@hotmail.com.

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Hi Leyla,

I lost my darling Joe to an intention overdose on Christmas night. We had a fight. I didn't answer his texts or phone calls. Your story and mine are so similar.

I loved him more than I've loved any man. He was so unique, I'll never find another man like him. So I'm pretty certain I'll be alone the rest of my life (I'm 57).

I am a dichotomy of emotions — so pissed at him, I can hardly see straight, yet I miss him so much that he seems to be with me throughout every day and night. I'd give anything — anything — to have him back. We were planning to marry last month or perhaps this month, May. At least, sometime in the spring or early summer.

I've been through a variety of hells in my life, but never anything like this. I can't imagine every being content again; there will always be a hole in me, like my shadow has fled me or like I have no reflection in the mirror.

--Stargazer2011

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Nick   

Hi, new here due to loss of my wife in June. this is not my reason for posting in this thread though. Four years ago I lost my last wife through suicide and it was awful. She was suffering from a lot of pain due to fibromyalgia and, as I discovered later just by reading and watching a TV program about it, she was also bi-polar. She never accepted any offered treatment for her mental health issues (even though at the time of her suicide I was getting treatment and it was helping).I got back home that night about 6 and I assumed my wife had gone to bed early (she often did) About 9 that night I went up to bed, no wife. Searched the house, called friends, no sign. I called the police who immediately set up a search, helicopter, coastguard (we lived by a loch) mountain rescue (very rural hilly location) About 6 in the morning they found her, in the trees, in the hills about 200 yards from the house, in view of the bedroom window. 2 empty bottles of wine and a huge overdose. I had a really hard time coping with it and did blame myself (maybe I still do) but I had a huge amount of help from mental health services NHS Scotland and other support groups, and friends and family. What I'm trying to say is I don't believe it is ever the "fault" of anyone left behind. If someone wants to kill themselves there's really not a lot we can do. Took me a long time to accept it, but she really did want to be gone and I have to accept that. I don't have to like it or agree, but I have to accept it and live with it.

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My husband shot himself sept. 28, 2013 and it is my fault. He should have shot me too as the pain, guilt, shame and loss is too unbearable.

He was dealing with my alcoholism for the past 4 years. I was dr. jekyl/mr. hide. He loved me and tried to help best he could. He gave me a wonderful life, a beautiful home, amazing Pug but for some reason I could not break my addiction. We eventually broke up for 5 months and I moved back in May of 2013 only to find him depressed. We tried to work things out but, I could not let go of the women he had while we were split even though he was willing to forgive me for my problem in the past. I started drinking again and would nag him constantly while he was depressed, feeling guilty for not helping me more and how he threw me out. We had to put our Pug down just 2 months before my hubby passed. He needed me, he was scared about the meds he was taking, a personal issue that terrified him, he did not feel well, not sleeping BUT my selfish, self centered, disgusting self nagged him the day he shot himself. We had an arguement the day he did it. I drove him to the ground. He should be here not me. I should have shot myself, and I do still have the feeling and want to die. He was a great man loved by many, extremely successful, kind, loving. I deserve every shitty feeling, pain and thing that comes my way. I disgust myself for all he did was love me. People tell me it was the meds, depression ... no. It was me and I will never forgive myself for doing that to him. He did not deserve that. Someone told me he loved me too much. They're right.  I should have stayed away. He would still be here. I pray he is with God, our Pug and his dad.

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Ginger72   

I can so relate to what everyone here is saying.  Nick and I had been together for seven years.  Nick died probably the 20th of this June of 2013 - they found his body on the 22nd so we just call that the date.. which is wrong.. like everything FEELS wrong about this whole thing with Nick.  There was so much b.s. that happened afterwards.. like the (idiot) park rangers having his car towed and never telling me about it and not even sending me the proper paperwork/notification that is supposed to be sent.  So me losing his car to the tow company.  And the judge glaring at me and growling at me when I was suing the tow company for what they had done wrong in this, which was not informing in the time that they were supposed to inform us.  My faith in humanity has suffered a blow.  I know... most people are not like this... but everything feels amplified.  I guess that I am suffering some PTSD now.  I can't watch, and probably never will be able to, anything violent or bloody.  It's too real to me.  Nick left me on July 18 last year and said he was going for a ride (bicyle ride) and to run some errands.  I was having a sleeping jag and was still asleep on the couch, and had been for the last 3-4 days.  I would say that was depression (which I have) and some severe avoidance.. the week before I had gone to stay at my mom's because I was having some extreme anxiety.. Nick was having delusional thoughts that he would talk about for about 3/4's of the day, and it was about every ohter day.  And after knowing he was suicidal I had him come back and live with me at the end of January.. things seemed better at first, and then the delusions seemed to be getting more frequent, and he was talking about killing himself about every other day for awhile--though I told him how this was making me feel (helpless completely and very depressed) and he stopped, for the most part.  I had promised him long ago that I would never commit him, that he would go voluntarily.  Maybe that was stupid of me.  But when he had been in before he was angry and upset about it and he did what they said but he HATED being there and thought that he shouldn't have to be there.  the place was not the best, it is an updated facility but for the poorest of the poor, which we pretty much are.  So was that it.. was it the places fault.. I wouldn't have liked it there?  He left a suicide note.  He was a very analytical person so it was very clear, though he does talk some delusionally at the end.  He was going to a really good therapist that my Mom and I had gotten him into since the November before and he had started with a very holistic phychiatrist in march and she was going along with his no drug remedy for now.  the therapist had started mentioning "maybe it's time to start looking at taking some medicine, Nick."  He had been on effexor for quite a while, which the doctor never changed even though there were increasing problems (this doctor is the worst, and I wish we had changed him/gotten rid of him.. so badly) and before when he was a kid his Mom put him in the hospital and they gave him Depakote, which he said was terrible and he had a bad reaction to.  He was trying so many things, mediations, aums, praying...and after I left and went to my mom's he called and I said 'something's got to give' and I said I loved him.. I went back about 4 days later I missed him so much.  He said to me for the first time ever.. You and me, that's more important than anything else.. I will try to get on medication.  So I was happy until the next day, when he said "I think I'm going to try this product and this product and this first, and then I will try medication"  and I was like, "okay."  I was always hopeful.  (was that wrong.. again another wrong.. hope is from Pandora's box and can kill you.. or him in this case).  The next day I told him.. Nick I dont believe in product1, product2 (etc) working.  And he was angry he said "Ginger you do you know what you've done.  You just took away the hope I had in this working."  He was so...devastated.  But these things and alternatives had been going on for years and he was now MORe delusional and depressed (though I didn't see depression in him, it was there).  And he knew what I wanted and what was needed.  He was just so damn intelligent and smart.. and he had always fixed EVERYTHING himself.. house stuff, bike stuff, car stuff.. he was taught that way.. to rely on himself. and NOT on others.  He was humble/sweet and never showed people or had to show his intelligence.  I guess he REALLY didn't believe in any medication working on him since he had had bad luck before (there are others that I haven't mentioned), but to me he hadn't tried enough yet to give up.  For me, I'd been through about 20 or more medications before finding one that semi-worked after I was depressed.  It was enough to get my head on straighter after much counseling, and receiving disability. 

 

The guilt.. the guilt is overwhelming here.  I am getting so upset and angry at him now.. and last night I had a dream that he was driving a truck and I had my car door open and no seat belt.. and he decided he was just going to kill us.  So we ran into a HUGE sign and then a wall.. and then I woke up.  And I feel like I am dying or should be.  I feel totally abandoned.  Nick was supposed to protect me.. he was very protective, and i'm a bit naive.  Geezus.  He was so vital and alive and full of interests and really empathetic and loving with people.  We did everything together. Told each other everything.  I could tell him anything, which is amazing.. I mean you wouldn't believe what the things were we could talk about.  I can't believe that a person with so much love-worth is gone.  I mean there must be something wrong, something I or we should have done better so that such a great person as this could have stayed on this world.  It's impossible to understand in THAT light.  But I know that he was also mentally ill.  And suffering.  He would wake up and stay in bed curled in a little ball, for hours, so afraid, terrified.   Also he was abused / neglected from the time of birth.. that is probably the heart of his problems.. but he didn't see a way of fixing THAT.  How does one fix that. 

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Yoyo   

Omg. I can'relate to all of you. First of all, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is just horrible. There are really no words to express the pain and guilt that I personally have felt since my boyfriend committed suicide in July of 1986. Yes I said 86. It still hurts like hell. Why? Because he blamed me. Left a cassette tape detailing exactly why he was killing himself and that I was responsible. He was my first love. The love of my life. We dated for 5 years prior to his death. I loved him so much. He started using coke. Actually, we were both using. I felt that we were both getting hooked and that the drug was consuming us. I decided that I was going to quit cold turkey. It was very difficult but I moved forward. He kept smoking. One thing led to another and I broke up with him. He did not take it well. A series of events happened after I broke up with him: He tried to strangle me, then released me. I didn't call the cops. He pulled a gun and threatened to kill himself in front of me. I talked him down. Finally, he went through with it. When I found out that he was dead, and blamed me because I broke up with him, I was crushed. It took years before I stopped blaming myself but the pain has never gone away. It's been almost 28 years, and every now and then, I find myself immersed in devastation all over again.

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Ginger72   

Omg. I can'relate to all of you. First of all, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is just horrible. There are really no words to express the pain and guilt that I personally have felt since my boyfriend committed suicide in July of 1986. Yes I said 86. It still hurts like hell. Why? Because he blamed me. Left a cassette tape detailing exactly why he was killing himself and that I was responsible. He was my first love. The love of my life. We dated for 5 years prior to his death. I loved him so much. He started using coke. Actually, we were both using. I felt that we were both getting hooked and that the drug was consuming us. I decided that I was going to quit cold turkey. It was very difficult but I moved forward. He kept smoking. One thing led to another and I broke up with him. He did not take it well. A series of events happened after I broke up with him: He tried to strangle me, then released me. I didn't call the cops. He pulled a gun and threatened to kill himself in front of me. I talked him down. Finally, he went through with it. When I found out that he was dead, and blamed me because I broke up with him, I was crushed. It took years before I stopped blaming myself but the pain has never gone away. It's been almost 28 years, and every now and then, I find myself immersed in devastation all over again.

I am so so so so sorry that he blamed you.  I think that people who are suicidal are mostly wrapped up in their own pain, and not knowing how to deal with it.  And to take the pressure off... there is way that these people look at so and so, or this other so and so, and want to blame someone for the agony that they are feeling and don't want to take responsibility for.  Because it would take some work and maybe some even more pain to get through or past this agony that they are feeling, and they don't see themselves as able to do that.  For whatever reason.  He was very wrong to blame you.  It sounds like  you were both a couple of sinking ships--and you tried to keep your ship from sinking.  We can only control our own ship, really.  (though I hate to admit THAT, even NOW):P.  So you saved what you could.  Instead of maybe him killing you and then himself, or some other terrible scenario -- it looks like he was on the edge no matter WHAT you did at that point.. take care of yourself or not.    God wants you to live, God wants all of the beings that he has created to Live.  It's in our natural inclination to Live.  You couldn't live with him.  And unfortunately he was probably a pretty damaged person, and he didn't want to look at that.  AT ALL.  So he completely deflected to someone else.. because that was easier (and so wrong!!).  Lifeguarding 101.. I remember if you are trying to save a drowning person.. and they are fighting you, YOU must let go.  Because you have a better chance of saving them by saving yourself first.   His mind must have been completely boggled at that point and messed up, and now, in the clarity that must be available to him, he KNOWS where the fault was, where the choice to die was made, and why he made that choice.  And he has, long ago, forgiven you, and himself (i hope, though I think that is a bit of a process of discovery up there, but much faster as it's in a very safe place:)

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Interesting to read these posts.  A common thread beyond the expected grief that accompnaies loss is a tendency to assume a big part of the responsibility of the the persons choices and even to the point the survivor may not be able to move forward.  I feel this way on and off, but now reading these stories from the 3 rd person about some one else, it doenst make sense, and then if I overlay that upon my own circumtance there is only one conclusion.  Yes, the loss, the grief is painful, it hurts blah blah blah.  But the person who made their choices did so on their own, and that does not mean my life has to end with theirs, in fact I now am bound and determined to not let it.  Damnit, Im pissed they way she decided to leave, but now reading these posts Im thinking Im not going to let it finish me.  And the grief, hurt, lonliness, etc. thats all going to be there with loss of any sort.  But I dont have to take the weight of the world of my shoulders on and assume some how if I had only should of, would of or could of they would be all better today and here because of me.  Thats assuming a lot of power over others that truthfully none of really has over someone else. 

 

As for me, I choose to go and survive, stand up and continue with life as long as the Lord will have me.  Im not letting some other person no matter how much they meant to me, loved em, miss em end my life because of their choices.  NO sir, I refuse to for today at least.  Tomorrow will be another day that will take care of itself.

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I know exactly how your feeling, I too got in a argument with my children's father and i knew he was depressed he was also bi polar and he brought me through his tornado of anger and depression and i soon thought nothing of his many threats of im going to kill myself or i just want to die.  i was tried and fed up of being drained emotionally and mentally. I told him to go stay over his mamas house and he called me, seems like a million times that night and i refused to answer. i just wanted to sleep and deal with him the next day. I woke up around 10 and i seen a text saying please let me see the kids before i die and what did i do roll my eyes and start my day by 12 o'clock noon his mother found him in the basement with a bullet in his head. i blamed my self for yrs. it wasn't tell now 4yrs later i look at my kids and find peace within them. Depression is a major killer it gets so bad it completely blinds you from seeing a brighter day and the pain just kills you from the inside out, all hope and self worth has left your mind and its just empty in side. You didn't cause this, you didn't provoke him. He was already hurting in side and he just wanted relief from what he was having to battle inside. 

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sandy12   

I am soo sorry for your loss. Your situation is similar than mine... I am here.. In the same situation as you. I loss my fiance under similar circumstances.. God is the only way i can manage my pain and sadness. Accupucture helps with my anxiety .. Send me a msg if you need to talk.

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Nik B   
On 03/09/2016 at 6:07 AM, sandy12 said:

I am soo sorry for your loss. Your situation is similar than mine... I am here.. In the same situation as you. I loss my fiance under similar circumstances.. God is the only way i can manage my pain and sadness. Accupucture helps with my anxiety .. Send me a msg if you need to talk.

Hi Sandy, does the pain ever subside? I'm in the same situation, there are no words to describe the pain and guilt. My fiancé passed 4 weeks ago. 

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Nik B   
On 29/02/2012 at 0:36 PM, Lela said:

I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date, time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass, but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost 8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house, everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument, I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay, I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am so, so sad that he felt this way. I feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and yet I treated him so poorly. I could have been a better girlfriend and fiance. Just a better person. But I didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a horrible human being. And now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old.

And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?

Hi Lela, does the pain ever subside? I'm in the same situation, there are no words to describe the pain and guilt. My fiancé passed 4 weeks ago. 

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Kjayne   
On 02/09/2016 at 10:07 PM, sandy12 said:

I am soo sorry for your loss. Your situation is similar than mine... I am here.. In the same situation as you. I loss my fiance under similar circumstances.. God is the only way i can manage my pain and sadness. Accupucture helps with my anxiety .. Send me a msg if you need to talk.

Hi Sandy

My name's Karin. My fiance died a month ago. I cannot move forward. I just cry and cry and cry. I loved him and was in love with him and I feel responsible for his death. Day and night I remember how wonderful he was, how wonderful we were together. So in love. He wss the most awesome man I ever met. And now he's gone. And I have to try and go on. I don't feel like I can. How are you? Are you feeling any better. Did it get easier. I feel like I don't want to go on, the pain and heartache and regret are too much to bear. It was my fault and he took himself away. I don't know how I can go on without him. And I caused it. Thank you for listening. I am finished

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