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    • ModKonnie

      Changes   03/08/2016

      HI everybody, I'm sure by now you have all figured out we have some changes on the forums. These were due to the security of the forums; we try very hard to keep spam off the forums but it occasionally get through and causes problems. The new updates should help with this kind of problem.  I'm sure you've browsed and figured out that the posts are listed in order of the very first post to the latest. For Loss of An Adult Child, this means there are more than 2,000 pages to go through. The easiest way I've found is to click on the double arrows by the page numbers, get to the last page (it usually goes right to it for me) and then scroll down the page. You should be able to read all the posts for the day.  We are trying to see if there is a way to reverse the order. I'll let you know what we find out, and I will post more suggestions and tips as we go forward.  I want to apologize for any inconveniences and stress this update has caused. We value each and every member, and we will work to make this transition as seamless as possible.  Sincerely, ModKonnie
    • Eric

      Posting to forum should be fixed   04/18/2016

      Hello! I sincerely apologize for the recent issues with posting, a number of people reported being unable to post and receiving a white page instead of anything else. I spoke with a member of the community today and we were able to figure it out and find a fix for this. Posting should now be fixed, if you continue to have trouble please let us know!
jericho

My brother is dying and I feel like I'm dying with him.

3 posts in this topic

Hi, I'm new here.... not entirely sure where to start or how to start so I'll just throw myself in feet first I suppose.

I'm 25 years old and have two brothers --- one is 27 and one is 29. My oldest brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago. He was supposed to have expired in August .... he's still alive (thank God!!!)..... However, things are getting worse and worse. He's having far more problems medically, physically, mentally, etc. Myself... and I feel so selfish for even thinking of myself right now.However, I have to get somewhere somehow before I explode.

I'm miserable thinking about it. I'm getting married in July and I feel awful for even having these thoughts of excitement for my wedding especially when my brother is supposed to be there and may not be there. I'm angry, hurt, confused, raging, scared, and a million other emotions all at once. I just want time to stop and to be able to go back to when we were younger and enjoy things he always tried teaching me or just spend time with him. I've never felt so scared and sad all in one mess.

Not only do I feel selfish for trying to maintain normalcy with my wedding planning but I have others telling me that I need to be strong and supportive for my parents because their losing a child. YES --- I realize that 100% however, I'm losing my BROTHER. One of the people I have known MY ENTIRE LIFE! One person who has been there for everything and doesn't let me down when I need him the most and suddenly I'm not supposed to show any emotion or be sad that he's dying because I need to take care of my parents????? (*INSERT INTENSE RAGING SCREAMS OF FRUSTRATION HERE*) While I realize that people say things without thinking and say things trying to help --- these type of comments don't help. They anger me because I'm a human that has emotions and feelings yet I'm supposed to shut them off because it's just my brother? Not possible!

I feel like my insides have turned to mush and like a huge part of me is dying with him. I want to know why, I want to know what did I do to make this happen? I want to know why it couldn't be me instead of him? I want to know soooooo many things! There is sooo much that isn't fair and I don't understand. I just want to know why..............

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Hi, I'm new here.... not entirely sure where to start or how to start so I'll just throw myself in feet first I suppose.

I'm 25 years old and have two brothers --- one is 27 and one is 29. My oldest brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago. He was supposed to have expired in August .... he's still alive (thank God!!!)..... However, things are getting worse and worse. He's having far more problems medically, physically, mentally, etc. Myself... and I feel so selfish for even thinking of myself right now.However, I have to get somewhere somehow before I explode.

I'm miserable thinking about it. I'm getting married in July and I feel awful for even having these thoughts of excitement for my wedding especially when my brother is supposed to be there and may not be there. I'm angry, hurt, confused, raging, scared, and a million other emotions all at once. I just want time to stop and to be able to go back to when we were younger and enjoy things he always tried teaching me or just spend time with him. I've never felt so scared and sad all in one mess.

Not only do I feel selfish for trying to maintain normalcy with my wedding planning but I have others telling me that I need to be strong and supportive for my parents because their losing a child. YES --- I realize that 100% however, I'm losing my BROTHER. One of the people I have known MY ENTIRE LIFE! One person who has been there for everything and doesn't let me down when I need him the most and suddenly I'm not supposed to show any emotion or be sad that he's dying because I need to take care of my parents????? (*INSERT INTENSE RAGING SCREAMS OF FRUSTRATION HERE*) While I realize that people say things without thinking and say things trying to help --- these type of comments don't help. They anger me because I'm a human that has emotions and feelings yet I'm supposed to shut them off because it's just my brother? Not possible!

I feel like my insides have turned to mush and like a huge part of me is dying with him. I want to know why, I want to know what did I do to make this happen? I want to know why it couldn't be me instead of him? I want to know soooooo many things! There is sooo much that isn't fair and I don't understand. I just want to know why..............

HHoutman,

We will probably never be able to figure out why. I guess we all want to know that, don't we?

Everything you are experiencing is normal--the roller coaster of emotions and the happiness that you have future plans, yet the guilt over it all.

Saying goodbye to someone and continuing to live is very, very difficult, but in time, we learn to move forward and accept.

A really good website full of information that may be helpful to you is http://www.hospicefoundation.org/

I hope you and your family find peace, love and togetherness during this tough time. I will never forget when my brother died at 21 years old. I was 14 and didn't understand it all. It was tough on all of us. I still don't understand it, but I've accepted it. Since then I've certainly had more losses, and I hated the experience every time. However, one positive thing (If there is such a thing with loss) is that I have a profound sense of the humanness of all of us, and I appreciate the time that I do get to spend with my loved ones. Does that sound crazy?

How is the rest of your family doing? How about your brother? Have you talked with him about all of this?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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I lost my brother to suicide right before Christmas several years ago. I know the loss but my loss was in an instant. I can't imagine what you are dealing with. You talked about how you had known him forever and I relate to that totally. I knew my brother better than anyone did, even my parents. Sibs have a way of relating to each other that is different and deeper than so many other relationships. What helped me was letting that inner scream out. I would drive out to the middle of nowhere and roll up the car window and scream for all I was worth. The sound was shocking. I couldn't believe it was me...but it did help let it out. Talk to us here. Talk about it until you are blue and we will be here to listen. I'm so sorry for all that is happening and I wish our sorrow could make it all better. ((((((hugs)))))

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