My wonderful husband and father of two died last week

[SatrinaOmega]

Maybe just typing this will help me in some way, talking to strangers.

My husband of 10 years died suddenly last week Dec 21st, we didn't even get to talk that morning, it was I can't breath call 911, and he was gone. I did CPR, they tried CPR for hours at the hospital. The images of that day are all I see, and when I think I remember a good memory I remember that day. They think it was a blood clot, but didn't really know.

Our children are 4 and 1. My grief is all guilt over why the last year wasn't as loving and caring as it could have been, the what if's of that day and the why I didn't get to say goodbye.

I loved him so much, and of course never said it enough to him.

I know my grieving process is just beginning, as the week has finally settled. I am surrounded by supporting friends and family, but nothing makes the guilt I feel any easier. I know I will be ok for my children. But how will I ever feel ok for me inside I don't know.

I am a computer geek, and I find online support a good place to start for me. I read so many of your posts today, sorry I can not reply yet. I just needed to say my part first and hope I find more strength in the coming days. When no one you know understands your pain it is so hard to talk.

My thoughts are with everyone grieving the loss of someone they loved.

thank you for taking your time to read this, I hardly know where to begin.

-Marie

[btjw020610]

I am in the same boat the your are in, I know I will put on a brave face for my daughter but it is hard think that I will ever be ok inside. My fiance my soul mate dies unexpectedly the day after thanksgiving early in the morning, he started to breathe funny in his sleep I tried to wake him up and I couldn't when I turned on light in the room I saw that something wasn't right in his face his eye were half open and his lips were blue, I called 911 but couldn't talk I went to get my sister and her husband and her husband performed cpr the abmbulace came and took him when I got to the hospital he was gone. We had know each other for years but only recently gotten together, he was amazing and I had never been so happy, I have a little girl from a previous relationship that was abusive and awful her bio dad is not around and hasn't been for awhile, he love my daughter like she was his he was her father in every sense , he was the best man I have ever known, it seems to get harder each day for me I think the shock has worn off and I go to bed alone every night and miss him so much, my friends tell me that some day I will feel better but it is hard to see that. I am going to a support group that is put on through a hospice and it helps. So if you can find one near you I would encourage you to try it out. I find that it is easier to get through the week knowing I have that to look forward to every Wednesday to be around people who understand loss and who are not expecting you to be perfect in the grieving process they can understand that everyone has their own way of grieving, nothing about this makes sense at all I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to go through this.

[Angel'sgirl]

First i am very sorry for both your losses. I'm 8 1/2 months now since my husband of 13yrs passed. I wasn't home when it happened my daughter and were 12 hrs away visiting my grandparents for Easter. It was the first and only time i ever left him and i was only gone one day when i got the phone call from my Mom. I tried so hard to be strong and brave for our daughter when it first happened. But lack of sleep landed me in hospital due to a nerves break down. I'm not going to lie we have a very hard road a head of us. And will never be our old selves again. You both will go through so many different emotions in the months and years head.

Please don't be so hard on yourself with the what ifs, i know how you feel i did it to. I try to focus on the fact i know I love him and he loves me. He may not be here with me now but i have faith we will be together again. Its great that your family and friends are their for you now, but i hope they remain there. I who was once very close to my husbands family barely speak now, they are not their for our daughter. It is strange how people you thought would be there aren't and people who you didn't expect really step up and become a great support. I pray will all find comfort and peace.

[Luray]

My grief is all guilt over why the last year wasn't as loving and caring as it could have been, the what if's of that day and the why I didn't get to say goodbye.

Marie, I don't think many of us don't have those feelings of guilt and regret. It's one of those things that is horrible -- normal, but horrible. After my husband died in October, I still agonize over every angry or flippant word I'd said to him over the years we were together. Unlike you, I knew he was going to die, but I still kick myself for not being more calm and loving at the moment of his death. I guess I was in denial that he was going to die, even then.

Friends and family tell me I shouldn't dwell on water under the bridge, they point out how happy he was with me, they tell me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I was there for him when he needed me, and how brave I was to be with him up until the end. The truth is I was scared to death, but I guess that's normal, too.

Friends and family who are widows as well tell me these feelings will fade over time, and that I will be able to focus on positive and happy memories, and that I will be able to move forward. They tell me to lean on my friends, and not to say "no" to friends who offer help, companionship, a shoulder to lean on, or a bottle of beer. ;-)

They also tell me to be kind to myself. That means letting go of the guilt and regret. I wish for you the strength and courage to do that, and to move forward.