Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

The still of the night


myvinnie

Recommended Posts

  • Members

This is my first time on here. I was just reading about post widowhood and I happened upon this message board.

I read some posts and felt so many of the same feelings. Next month will be 2 years since My Vinnie passed. He was 48. He had a massive heart attack. He died right here next to me in our room. We talked, snuggled, went to sleep, and a short while after he made a terrible noise, and that was it. I tried everything to save him, but it didn't work. I have been buried myself these last 2 years. I returned to work after 3 weeks, and have been working non stop for the past 2 years. Running, and staying busy. I haven't been a doing a very good job at being a  Mother to our 14 yr old daughter. I haven't cooked for years. I haven't felt the need to do much other than force myself to get up and go to work. If I stopped I think I would fall apart. Everyone thinks I am so together. They don't know I cry on my way to work, they dont know I cry on my way home. They don't know I cry in the still of the night. Some nights are so very still. I do feel I might be turning the corner out of some of the darkness. I am starting to feel a little different. I miss so much of My Vinnie. We had 16 wonderful years together that now when I look back was just a flash. I could've cherished so much more of my time if I had only have known it would be gone in an instant. What I think I miss too is talking about him. I think everyone is afraid to make everyone else sad. It's ok to be sad. It is sad. It's terrible. I don't want to act like life is fine, it's not. It will never be the same again. We should talk, but no one does. I lost my true love. We had plans. My heart is half, but I know I have to live. More importantly, I now "feel" that I have to live, and that makes all the difference in the world. I've lost 2 years of my life being in the darkness that I can't get back. I want to live in my life now, and be part of it. The dark stays for as long as necessary, but rest assured, the light will come. It is different for everyone. Be where you are when your there, and trust that you will feel the light when you are ready. Thank you for allowing me to write what I haven't been able to say for years. - Dawna   

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My Dear Dawna,

You have just written my life, altho, I am just 18 months into this.  You just wrote my heartfelt days.  Are you looking into my windows?   The Windows of my Soul for sure.  My husband and I were married 37 years.  He was my whole life, him and our 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren.   He made it 14 months from diagnosis, after the Doc said he had at least 3-5 years.   OoPS!  Not close to being right.

Thanx for your time and writing

GrannyCheryl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks for writing Granny.

I guess it helps some to know we are not alone, and that other's share some of our exact feelings.

I am sorry for your loss as I know it is a great one.  :(

Dawna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Robin,

I hope today may be one spot brighter than yesterday was. I know at this point there really are no bright days though. I have so much that I should be doing, but I have no desire to do any of it. By the way, although next month will be 2 years, my Vinnie's clothes are just the same as they were 2 years ago. Talk about time standing still. His laundry basket is still full of his clothes. He washed clothes on Sunday's. He passed on Saturday , so there they are. Take as long or as little as feels right for you with everything. No one knows what you feel, no one is the same. I used to think people were crazy asking me if I had started dating yet. I thought are they kidding ? I can't get past this thing, this grief thing. How could I date ? I can't help my feelings speed thru even if its been almost 2 years. I want to get thru, but I have no control over it. It has control over me. I wait day in and day out to feel differently. I honestly don't know if I ever really will feel differently. 2 years is a long time to be stuck where I am. My daughter who was 12 when she lost her Dad tells me I can't stay like this forever. I want to say do you think I want too ? I can't will this, I can't will to be happy. It is indeed a very traumatic event complicated by the shock of it happening right in front of us, us trying to do CPR and not succeeding. I dont think I even said to him I love you while I was doing it, why didn't I ? I knew he wasn't coming back to me. I miss him so much. My weekends are so lonely.- Dawna

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello, Myvinnie.

I'm learning as you are, in this website, about trying to live after widowhood, trying to move on. Not because I lost someone, but because I have a girlfriend that is a  widow for a year (she lost her husband in a boat accident). 

As any widowhood, I'm learning here that the most important thing is to accept that is sad and tragic, because is like that: "Tragedy and Sadness".  But after we recognize that, we people can treat the issue and talk about it without fear, but with a good feeling of love and care about the person that "went to heaven before us".  I think that is what gives us strength to take the first step to move on: knowing that it is a normal fact in our lifes. Is the hard and sad time of being without our special person, but that fact, as tragic as it is, is part of life itself.

I think we have to think as they say in movies: "think what that person would want you to do in life now". Because if they could talk to us, I know they would tell us that we don't have to be sad, but to be gratefull for the life we could share with them, and that they were part of us, and of course, to live remembering the great times we had with them. Because our "lifes" are just that: all the things we have done in the past.

The feeling of loneliness and sadness is normal and it shows that we loved that person. And is great to know that a person was loved so much for someone. And is in that love, that we have to live happy knowing that we had the pleassure to live with that person.  At least, that's what I think is one of the things that we, as persons, have to do after lossing a loved one. To maintain them alive, with our good memories.

Regards.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

enrique,

Everything you posted is so very true, but I can't always get there.   I have thought or felt the things you referred to but my feelings seem to come and go as they may.  I can control my thought life, BUT, these Grief Bursts and Flashbacks just come in the twinkling of an eye, I am not looking for them.  They just ""BaM"" hit me.

My biggest issure right now is I use to be so on top of things, organized, etc.  And, now I could care.   I have I think 3 large projects started in my home right now and I just don't get back at them to finish them, sometimes there is just not even energy to clean the house.  The thing I do best is sit and stare and My Mind is miles away, or in a time of peace, or just trying to mull-over what has become of my life and myself.......We were married 37 years, he's been gone 18 months....................Time everyone says time will help.  BUT, everyone just doesn't know how very dam hard this journey is...........

Just,  grannyCheryl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Enrique,

Thanks for writing. Your right about so much. I know my Vinnie would not want me to be sad or stuck in despair. He had often said in the past if anything ever happened to him he would want me to live life and be happy. Happiness is a difficult state to achieve with where you are now and where you were before. I am trying for sure. You are also right to maintain them alive with the good memories. I want that so much to be able to remember just the good memories. I used to flash over and over on the night, and pray please I don't want to see it anymore. I don't allow my mind to go there now. I stay busy as much as possible. It's nice that you are learning on here so that you can be supportive and helpful to your girlfriend. Thank God she has someone to help her thru such a tragedy. I used to think I wish Vin was here to help me get thru this. Silly huh ? Only he could help me get thru something like this. He was always there for me when my Mom passed. He always knew when I was down, and missing her. She was such a good friend to me. Vince was with me every day of my life for 16 years. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. I love my Mom dearly, and miss her too so very much, much time has passed since her passing so I suppose that must help some, but losing my husband seems worse than anything I have ever endured. I hope not to go thru anything worse believe me. We were very fortunate to have had a love like what we had. We used to tell each other how lucky we were to be "in love" after all the time we were together. We were so blessed. - Take Care- Dawna    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Granny,

Just wanted to let you know I understand your feelings and your lack of organization. I just don't have any energy to complete things either. As I sit here typing, my room looks like a pack rat lives here. I have papers upon papers upon papers everywhere. I'm sure I could throw away half of it really if not more, but honestly I just don't seem to have the energy to get it going. I like you can just sit and stare. Hours go by and I am so un-productive that it seems ridiculous. I have thought that I will feel sorry for whoever has to come in behind me when I go and sort thru my stuff. Hopefully that won't really happen and eventually I will get some notion and do what I have to do here, but it's not today that's for sure.

  Your also right that everyone doesn't understand how hard this journey is.

    God Bless you- Dawna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Granny I so understand you and feel just as you do.  My house is a mess.  Dust is everywhere.  I just don't want to do it.  I have a few sewing projects just looking at me.  I don't want anything to do with them.  Cook?  You've got to be kidding.  If I can pop it in the microwave or throw a quick sandwich together - that's cooking.  And when I throw that sandwich together, sometimes it takes too much energy to add the mustard.

There is so much I know I should do - but I just don't want to.  Did I get dressed today?  There - I accomplished something.

I just passed the 1 month anniversary of my Jon's death.  Anniversary is supposed to respresent a happy time - what the heck is there to celebrate?

I miss him so much - I feel as though I am just waiting for my time to join him.

Everyone says - get on with your life - don't quit on your life.  What the heck IS my life?  I don't know.  Spend time with friends...What friends?  He was my friend.  I am 48 years old - living in a town I am not from - how the heck do I make friends at this age?  Everyone already has their friends.

I have never felt more alone in my entire life.  NEVER!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Aww Robin,

I feel so badly for you. It makes me so sad to feel where you are in all this.

I am 47 years old and live in a town where I know no one either. We moved here together in 2001 to raise our family in a better location. I finally met a friend at work although she is younger and has her husband and young family. She has helped me thru many difficult moments especially at work. Some days I just stare out the window at work.

My siblings live far away from me, so I feel very alone too. Thank God I happened upon this website. Ironically the emails I get from here telling me about responses that have been posted come from a Marisa, which is our youngest daughter's name. Same spelling too, My Vinnie loved that name and that spelling. Ironic indeed. Another sign from him maybe that he is with me. I look for all the signs and love when I get them. Be open to that, and you will find your Jon is with you too. It is all so fresh for you. I'm so sorry that you are where you are. When they say "One day at a time" for recovery, it's "One moment at a time" for Grief.

God Bless

 * Dawna *  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just found this site a few days ago. I lost my husband of 21 years on December 29 2007 today was day 28.. I feel like crap all I do is cry... I don't want to be without my best friend the man I could tell anything he could look at me and know what I was feeling. I went to the movies with my 20 year old son today and had to go to the car had my first panic attack ever. I am 49 with 2 boys in college they moved home so that I would not be alone but I am alone with no real friends intown lost and not wanting to go on. Have a bussiness to run and could care less what happens to it this is so not me. I don't think I will ever know who I am again so i FEEL YOUR PAIN

Qubert

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Qubert * I am so very sorry for your recent loss of your husband. 21 years is a long time. Your young also. So hard. I can't imagine how to try to run a business when you've been thru this. It takes so much strength just to get up in the morning and get dressed. It's difficult to go out in the early days after such a great loss because other people are out doing their thing, and no one even knows how you feel and what you've been thru. I remember thinking how can they all just go about their business, dont they know my vinnie isn't here anymore. My life stopped but the beat kept going on around me. I can't think of anything worse than grief. I pray for you to have some rest and peace, and cherished memories to keep your heart going~~Dawna   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dawn,

Thanks, My husband, friend. sole mate died at our lake home on our last day we were in the process of selling and went up to get a few things. He had chest pains and my son and I tried to save him he was gone within mins. He was 54 and died in my sons arms. It happened so fast.... It is all so final and hard to believe that what  has happened is true. It seems to help knowing that  I can come here to a place were others truly know my pain I am so sorry that all of us are feeling this crippling pain

God Bless us all

Qubert

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Qubert,

I went back to work about 10 days after my Rod died. It was hard but I'd missed a lot while he was ill and didn't have much choice. When anyone asked how I was doing I said "ok right now. it might be different in 5 mins." No one questioned longer lunch times or when I stayed in the bathroom for quite awhile. (Of course I'm the boss...maybe that helped) Do what you have to and allow yourself some slack. I know it's almost impossible to concentrate but I found if I could just get myself really into a task it helped for a little bit. And the littel bits gradually built up into longer periods. The early days are really bad...it takes time to cope and then to heal. I hated it when people told me that but sadly it's the truth.

Mary Jo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

:? ((Hi Friends))    Isn't it a shame we are all here?   Alone in a crowd, numb, lost half of ourselves and wondering who we will be alone.   ALONE!!!?   That sucks!

My motto, all tho not liked by many around me is ""Today sucked, Tomorrows going to, too""    A friend of mine found a black t-shirt with that on it.  I where it out when its one of those really bad days.  I've been told by many, I'll never feel better if that's my attitude.    What do they know?   I knew nothing about this journey I've been thrown into until it hit.    We knew Tim was ill, the specialist gave him 5 yrs.  we hung on to that-he got 14 months..........................................that was almost 19 months ago.   and, I am not 'Through it" how can we get through it ===like its some walk in the woods, we were married for 37 years -I met him when I was 15, and we got closer as time went on.   I have lost 1/2 of myself and I miss him everyday.  It might be more bareable, I am in my own schedule now, I suppose you could say......But, IT will never ever be the same...............I will, We will never be the same.   We have to re-invent ourselves my grief group leader tells me.  But, I don't want to....

It may be hard to believe the way I've just gone on, but, I do try at times to be abit more positive.   I am glad I had Tim for those 37+ years.  (more would have been nice)  We had a wonderful relationship, new each other inside and out, could communicate without any words spoke, Some never have half of what we had so I try to remember that.  But that too can be BitterSweet.

Take one breath at a time Dear New Ones, and know you are very much cared for and understood here!!!    Stay with us!

Sincerely, GrannyCheryl  :shock:

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello

I have been reading all of your posts since I found this site but have never responded. The reason I'm here is because my husband died on Dec.1, 2007.  He had a massive heart attack and was gone in an instant.  I tried to use CPR but he was already gone.  It was all very tramatic and awful.  We have been married for 36 years, we grew up together but we won't grow old together. I miss him so much.  Reality set in today when I took his death certificate to his place of work.  I was fine until I got in the building then I could barely talk to the lady about his life insurance. I guess it really hit me that he is really gone and I have to take care of all this business. 

Since this happened my son had a mild stroke on Jan.11th he is only 36.  Thank God after all the tests he just has to take Plavix and baby asprin and make some major life style changes.  He is doing much better now and is back to work.  My daughter is dealing with anger about all this.  She finally went to the doctor and opened up about how she is feeling.  She is so much like her dad always happy and helpful to everyone this is not like her.  Both my kids are trying to help me with my needs but they have families of their own.  I try not to make them feel like they have to be here but they say it makes them feel better when they do.

I know what it is like to feel like you want to go with your husband.  Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up.  But, I know my husband wouldn't want that, he would want me to go on and take care of the kids and grandkids.  He loved all of us so much, he always told be he loved me more than I would ever know. 

This week has been hard because his birthday was on Jan.28th he would have been 55.  I had a birthday party for him on Sunday.  I fixed his favorite chicken and dumplings and pineapple upsidedown cake.  I invited all of his family and some neighbors and celebrated his birthday.  I took his birthday off from work and went to the graveyard and told him I loved him and told his mom thanks for having such a fine son who was such a great husband.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for all of the posts I read them most every night.  Believe it or not it really helps to know that others have the same thoughts and feelings. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Granny,  Yes I know about days that just plain suck.  My wonderful husband is still alive but living a nightmare.  He gets weaker and weaker and tries to hide that from me.  We are living the long goodby.  And it really really sucks.  No one really understands but I am hanging on to each day no matter how bad it is I want it.  I admit I am being selfish but right now I can't help myself.  I was suprised that I would feel some better when I got replys and support on line.  You are right reading what others feel and say also helps.   Yours sure did.  thanks  :?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

msmoo07,

I am sorry for your loss. My husband died the same way we tried to save him but he was also gone in mins. It is so hard when you don't even know that they are sick and die in front of you and you are praying to god saying this is not happening to me my husband was 54 we had been together for 24 years. I do know that same feeling the numbness and then it hits you that this is real, now what do we do. One day at a time, sometimes one hour I do not leave my house unless I have to. I don't know how long it is going to take to be able to feel some sence of normal. How I miss the happy times. God Bless You

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi everyone,i just read all the postings,i loss my husband John,Jan9 th,day before his 53rd birthday,he had cancer and became very ill in sept,.Everything i read i was like ,omg i feel just like that,and everyone here is basically my age.When i married my husband 27 years ago,i never dreamed i would be widow at 50,maybe 80 but not 50,I ALSO was able to relate to the fact that my house is a mess and i have ton's of papers everywhere,i just can't get organized or motivated.I have been out of work since SEPT ,to take care of my husband,and i keep debating whether to go back or not,i am a nurse and work in a ER,all i keep thinking if i can 't function trying to maintain my house how am i going to deal with critical situations...I loss my 21 yo son 3 years ago,and i sit thinking where did my life go and WHY!!!,Everyone here is in my prayers!...Kathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

In the still of the night is a good title for this place. It is too still in the night for most of us and winter is the worst. I ask the same questions you all do and wonder where do I go from here. I thought by now (19 months) I'd have better answers but this is one of those nights when it just looks long and lonely. Thinking of you all..Mary Jo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm with you Mary Jo...it's been one of those nights for me too...I stood up in the kitchen,not realizing that the cabinet door was open above me, and cracked my head on it.  It really hurt and just let loose a flood of things like why isn't Ishaq here to comfort me?  And a lot of other stuff I haven't felt for a while...just a flood of feeling sorry for myself, and even getting mad that he left me here alone. I've calmed down now, and I know the reasons for all the things that have happened, and the gifts and the blessings too, but sometimes things just sneak up an get you...

I'm also trying to cut back on caffeine, been doing the half-caff coffee in the AM, so I'm sure I'm probably in coffee withdrawal on some level. 

Blessings,

Anna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello Anna,

Will last night was a tring one for me. Think I told you that I have 18 and 20 year old sons that are at home with me. The one that is 18 is so out of control. He was not with us when his dad passed and would not see him at the family viewing he does not cry that I know of, and all we do is fight. I stood in the back yard at 1 AM this morning and screemed at Bruce for leaving me here to try and finish raising his sons. My older son is a blessing and is always willing to help but is also ready to leave and go back to is life with his friends. I love my younger son very much but he just thinks about himself and what he needs and no one else. He was going to go out to party at 1 AM so I took his truck away he keft I now I am lost for what to do. If only Bruce were here to help me. He was the one that set the rules for the boys and I was the one that went behind his back to give them what they wanted.. Now I hear him saying to me it has been 6 weeks you need to get tough.

 I am going to speak with Gillian next week maybe I can get some answers. I was so much better for a few days after I spoke with her last time. The nights are so still as I lay in bed wishing it had been me and not this man that took care of everything. My friend is coming back to stay with me again, I pick her up today maybe I need to back off my son and let her try to deal with him, however she has MS and should not be stressed, May I should have not wrote this in the still of the night as last night was me screems like a crazy person.

Bless you all

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Must have been quite a weekend for us all. Yesterday I was reading a book and the ending about two people dancing in the rain in heaven got me and I cried like I haven't for a long time. Then today I was on the floor playing with the dog and thinking about how much Rod loved her and it happened all over again.  I know some of it is the weather and the rest...guess I'm not done with roller coaster rides yet. As I seem to write over and over in my journal.. I HATE THIS!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kathy,

     I am a nurse also.  My husband died suddenly on the 14th of January.  He was 42.  If you can stay out of the ER for a while, it might be easier on you.  I work at the local college and hospice.  I can't go back to hospice yet.  I have been able to go to work at the college but I can't imagine trying to function in a life or death situation.  I can barely function in the classroom and find I have to take a lot of breaks, fortunately I can do that.  You won't be able to do that in the ER.  Be gentle with yourself.  Take time for yourself.  You may have to find something else to do for a little while.  Give yourself time to heal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Mary Jo,

Its 20 months for me on the 10th of this month and I surely have no direction.  I maybe feel more content occasionally.   But then I trip over the pain of the empty house and I remember how it use to be.   If nothing else, Tim'd have music going and maybe his guitar, drums whatever going at them. . . .WoW now is quiet.....empty...

I do have alot of crafts, remodeling, reupholstering and crocheting going.  Insanely all at the same time with nothing complete, just all have good starts.  And, I wonder why my mind feels so frayed. HA  (LOL)

Well, one thing for sure, except to have a day with Tim.  I'd never want to do back to those early days, weeks , months.   When the pain was so intense, looking back I wonder how I lived through it.

Good night, All and Blessing to each of you

GrannyCheryl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just read all the messages here and feel like every one of you and have all the same feelings.    It's 5 1/2 weeks since he died and he was 53.  We didn't meet until we were 50, so we had so little time!  He went into cardiac arrest and the paramedics worked on him for 26 mins. and shocked him 6 times.  Got his heart started and got him to the hospital but he'd been down so long, he was brain dead.  I keep going back and forth through all the stages you've been describing - shock, then unbearable "I can't live through this" grief, into numbness and feeling nothing, back to the crying and wailing, etc.  I can't get anything done either.  The mail is sitting on the table, the laundry is unfolded in the baskets, and on and on and on.  I go to work and come home and go online to find people who share my feelings.  I on't have any children so I feel like I don't have to stick around - I just want to be with him.  I keep looking for him to comfort me through this madness I'm experiencing and then I realize the irony of how I wouldn't need comforting if he were still here.

I think grief is an illness, a chronic illness.  It has innumerable symptoms and they change.  We may have temporary respites and we have strong relapses.  There may be some medications to temporarily relieve some of the symptoms but it's incurable and the only outcome is death - which we hope will bring a reunion with the one we lost.

Why is this so awful?  How are we supposed to bear this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Maamgrey,  :(one breath at a time and sometime can't even make it that far.  All the mail, laundry, etc will wait for you.  That's not your concern right now, right now it is all about YOU!  And, I certainly agree, I think grief/mourning is an illness.  I was thinking that today.  We have no control when it will hit us, the day can be fair and going along and whaaaam!  Like something is dropped from the sky right on us.

I am now 56,  Tim was 57, 20 months ago when he left. I was 54.  It is way too young isn't it!  Life Sucks! And is very unfair! You had so little time, you can know many understand that.  There is no remedy I can tell you to get. try whatever helps.  Scream, write all your feelings down and get them out- even if what you are writing does not flow or make sense.   Write your husband, write to him daily/weekly whatever works for you.  Find a grief group, you must help yourself or do for yourself.      I journaled in the beginning, then it slacked off abit.  When I go  read the beginning entries I can hardly believe that is me writing.   You Are Still In Shock.   This is a trauma and has hit you hard.  You are running on auto pilot right now.  There's only so much one's body/mind/spirit can take at one time.

Please know there are many many here and we all care.  Lately there have been some new folks coming, so you will find common ground as you run across them.  Visit other threads on this site, it has alot to offer.

And, Lastly know we care!!!  I am praying for you, let's keep in touch!

GrannyCheryl :?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know what you mean about the house seeming so quiet.  My Dave loved to play the guitar and listen to all varieties of music.  He was also very, very talkative.  When he was home, boy you knew it.  He was so much fun- Now even when my kids are home and there is actually a lot of noise, it is still too quiet.  It's just different.   At night when I go to sleep, it is also too quiet.  I don't hear his deep breathing and snoring, so I always fall asleep in bed with a movie on,  (something mellow) I don't have any intention of watching the movie, I just need a little noise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, GrannyC.  I'm doing everything I can think of.  I'm reading books, belong to 2 bereavement groups, 4 online support groups, and see a therapist.  Although there's nothing we can actually do for each other, being with other people who are experiencing the same loss and grief and struggles is a big comfort, even though I'm sad anyone has to be here.

Sue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.