My life partner

[wilnipper]

Last year o April 30'th my life partner of 8 years passed away, his name was Elwood (JR) Hall. He passed away after back surgery, at home from a lethal combination of Valium and Phentanyl. Prescribed this by his surgeon. Now in retrospect I feel I should've known he was in danger. he started having these very strange hallucinations, acted very much like the lights were out but nobody was home. I assumed it was because he was on so many meds. 6 months prior he'd had a quadruple bypass which he recovered from so fast and well despite being a type II diabetic. The whole thing started when he injured his back at work, so hurt he couldnt even get off the couch to go to the bathroom. He was prescreened for back surgery and they found congestive heart failure. So after receiving the bypass a whole crop of issues piled on, like his body was just shutting itself down piece by piece. He was dignosed with Irritable bowel syndrome followed by Gastroparesis (Diabetic nerve damage of the stomach), a spot on his lung they thought might be cancer. So many medications. Well the night before it happened I felt this urge to go to sleep early and cook him breakfast in the morning. I can count on one hand how many times I ever cooked breakfast... Well as I was heading out to bed JR leaned up and said "Honey I'm hungry", he was completely lucid. I felt irritated because I wanted to go to sleep so I grabbed him a piece of bologna, I didnt even make a sandwich just a piece of bologna and brought it to him and said I love you, goodnight. That morning while I was cooking I asked our friend Nate (Who was staying with us to look after him) to bring JR out for breakfast. He had a real time of it JR was lurching, his eyes were like glass. He couldnt speak, he wasnt there. Nate tried to feed him and the food kept dropping from JR's mouth. I remember feeling kinda frustrated, Nate kept calling his name to try to snap him out of it but he wouldnt respond so I'd loudly say "JR!", his head snap up at hearing my voice and he'd drunkenly feed himself a few seconds before I had to repeat it. Thats when I grew alarmed, I called the hospital and described what was happening. I was asked what meds he was on and I recited the list.Now when I got to Valium and Flexeril the nurse stopped me acting alarmed saying he didnt need those both (A muscle relaxer WITH valium is dangerous I guess even though it was the combo of Valium and Phentanyl that did it) and told me to choose one and drop it from his med box. So I chose flexeril. I went to work, I tried calling home at 4 PM but there wasnt an answer. I kept trying to call, I felt something tugging at me to get into contact. Still no answer, Nate had left JR alone. I called our neighbor and sent her over there and she giggled a bit when she got there, JR was slurring like he was drunk when she handed him the phone.I said I'd call later. A few minutes afterwards she called me in a panic, said he was struggling for breath exactly like her sister did before she died. 911 was called. I was trapped at work without a car and the only employee there while they worked on him for a heartbeat for 35 minutes. He was brain dead when they got one...I called for a ride in a panic and when I got to the hospital I was put into the seperate family room. I heard a code blue called over the PA, it was for him. They pumped him full of Narcan (I cant remember the exact name but it removes the effects of drugs fro his body) but no response. My JR was gone but his body kept breathing with drugs and life support. When I saw him his belly appeared grossly distended and his nose caked with blood around the breathing tube. I honestly tohught they punctured his lung and he was blowing up like a baloon....I just couldnt accept this was happening. They finally turned off life support at 2:45 AM and I stood watching him breath...Listening to the heart rate monitor until it flat lined.....I was numb....when I got home I layed down and turned to the night stand and laying there on it was one last bite of the piece of bolgna I gave him the night before....Intellectually I know I didnt kill him or contribute to it, I'd never dealt with a medical situation such as his and I assumed the Dr's knew their stuff but my heart has been eating me alive with guilt this whole time. Theres not one day I'm not thinking of him ALOT. I even find myself talking to him all the time. I'm so lost, this guilt is riding me like a demon wanting me to die as well (No I'm not in any way suicidal). You see JR and I had a strange relationship because he was a pathological lier. It was a problem he clearly couldnt control but it made it so hard to feel close to him when hed proven every day that I couldnt accept anything he said as the truth. I grew very distant while at the same time truly loving him, though not liking him very much. He had the most gentle and golden heart, but he could turn so mean at the drop of a hat, he was bi-polar as well. I loved him though I didnt like him very much. I'd stay in another room most of the time and feeling so pissy most the time. The guilt over that as well is killing me. I can so clearly understand him in death in a way I just couldnt in life and I just wish SO hard it hadnt been that way. I wish I wouldve given him more of the displays of affection he so depserately wanted yet I refused to give. I don't know what to do about this guilt, I don't know how to move on. I'm so very lonely but I CANT imagine myself with someone else because I'm lonely for JR. I'm desperate to tell him Im so sorry, and I DID and DO VERY much love you and please forgive me for everything I did that hurt you...

[ModKonnie]

Last year o April 30'th my life partner of 8 years passed away, his name was Elwood (JR) Hall. He passed away after back surgery, at home from a lethal combination of Valium and Phentanyl. Prescribed this by his surgeon. Now in retrospect I feel I should've known he was in danger. he started having these very strange hallucinations, acted very much like the lights were out but nobody was home. I assumed it was because he was on so many meds. 6 months prior he'd had a quadruple bypass which he recovered from so fast and well despite being a type II diabetic. The whole thing started when he injured his back at work, so hurt he couldnt even get off the couch to go to the bathroom. He was prescreened for back surgery and they found congestive heart failure. So after receiving the bypass a whole crop of issues piled on, like his body was just shutting itself down piece by piece. He was dignosed with Irritable bowel syndrome followed by Gastroparesis (Diabetic nerve damage of the stomach), a spot on his lung they thought might be cancer. So many medications. Well the night before it happened I felt this urge to go to sleep early and cook him breakfast in the morning. I can count on one hand how many times I ever cooked breakfast... Well as I was heading out to bed JR leaned up and said "Honey I'm hungry", he was completely lucid. I felt irritated because I wanted to go to sleep so I grabbed him a piece of bologna, I didnt even make a sandwich just a piece of bologna and brought it to him and said I love you, goodnight. That morning while I was cooking I asked our friend Nate (Who was staying with us to look after him) to bring JR out for breakfast. He had a real time of it JR was lurching, his eyes were like glass. He couldnt speak, he wasnt there. Nate tried to feed him and the food kept dropping from JR's mouth. I remember feeling kinda frustrated, Nate kept calling his name to try to snap him out of it but he wouldnt respond so I'd loudly say "JR!", his head snap up at hearing my voice and he'd drunkenly feed himself a few seconds before I had to repeat it. Thats when I grew alarmed, I called the hospital and described what was happening. I was asked what meds he was on and I recited the list.Now when I got to Valium and Flexeril the nurse stopped me acting alarmed saying he didnt need those both (A muscle relaxer WITH valium is dangerous I guess even though it was the combo of Valium and Phentanyl that did it) and told me to choose one and drop it from his med box. So I chose flexeril. I went to work, I tried calling home at 4 PM but there wasnt an answer. I kept trying to call, I felt something tugging at me to get into contact. Still no answer, Nate had left JR alone. I called our neighbor and sent her over there and she giggled a bit when she got there, JR was slurring like he was drunk when she handed him the phone.I said I'd call later. A few minutes afterwards she called me in a panic, said he was struggling for breath exactly like her sister did before she died. 911 was called. I was trapped at work without a car and the only employee there while they worked on him for a heartbeat for 35 minutes. He was brain dead when they got one...I called for a ride in a panic and when I got to the hospital I was put into the seperate family room. I heard a code blue called over the PA, it was for him. They pumped him full of Narcan (I cant remember the exact name but it removes the effects of drugs fro his body) but no response. My JR was gone but his body kept breathing with drugs and life support. When I saw him his belly appeared grossly distended and his nose caked with blood around the breathing tube. I honestly tohught they punctured his lung and he was blowing up like a baloon....I just couldnt accept this was happening. They finally turned off life support at 2:45 AM and I stood watching him breath...Listening to the heart rate monitor until it flat lined.....I was numb....when I got home I layed down and turned to the night stand and laying there on it was one last bite of the piece of bolgna I gave him the night before....Intellectually I know I didnt kill him or contribute to it, I'd never dealt with a medical situation such as his and I assumed the Dr's knew their stuff but my heart has been eating me alive with guilt this whole time. Theres not one day I'm not thinking of him ALOT. I even find myself talking to him all the time. I'm so lost, this guilt is riding me like a demon wanting me to die as well (No I'm not in any way suicidal). You see JR and I had a strange relationship because he was a pathological lier. It was a problem he clearly couldnt control but it made it so hard to feel close to him when hed proven every day that I couldnt accept anything he said as the truth. I grew very distant while at the same time truly loving him, though not liking him very much. He had the most gentle and golden heart, but he could turn so mean at the drop of a hat, he was bi-polar as well. I loved him though I didnt like him very much. I'd stay in another room most of the time and feeling so pissy most the time. The guilt over that as well is killing me. I can so clearly understand him in death in a way I just couldnt in life and I just wish SO hard it hadnt been that way. I wish I wouldve given him more of the displays of affection he so depserately wanted yet I refused to give. I don't know what to do about this guilt, I don't know how to move on. I'm so very lonely but I CANT imagine myself with someone else because I'm lonely for JR. I'm desperate to tell him Im so sorry, and I DID and DO VERY much love you and please forgive me for everything I did that hurt you...

Serapus bay,

I am so very sorry for the loss of JR. I know you are experiencing guilt, but really, this was not your fault, nor could you have fixed anything. In situations like this, I usually rely on my spiritual strength and faith to understand that there are things we cannot control, even if we could go back and change a few things. I know you are lonely. JR knew you loved him. The guilt is a normal emotion to be experiencing--guilt over all the "what if's" and "if only's" we all have. Bi-polar is desperately hard to deal with; it sounds like you did what others in your shoes do--and that is to avoid and stay away during those times. The pathological lying must have also been a nightmare to deal with. And yes, we can love someone without liking them. It sounds as though you may want to eventually talk to a counselor about all the trauma you experienced while with JR.

Have you tried writing how you feel down? Have you tried a grief and loss support group near your home? That's okay if you haven't; we can help support you.

Do you get out at all? I mean, not necessarily to look for someone else, but to get out and be not alone. Do you have anyone to talk to at home--your family, his family, close friends?

We can be here for you,

ModKonnie

[wilnipper]

Serapus bay,

I am so very sorry for the loss of JR. I know you are experiencing guilt, but really, this was not your fault, nor could you have fixed anything. In situations like this, I usually rely on my spiritual strength and faith to understand that there are things we cannot control, even if we could go back and change a few things. I know you are lonely. JR knew you loved him. The guilt is a normal emotion to be experiencing--guilt over all the "what if's" and "if only's" we all have. Bi-polar is desperately hard to deal with; it sounds like you did what others in your shoes do--and that is to avoid and stay away during those times. The pathological lying must have also been a nightmare to deal with. And yes, we can love someone without liking them. It sounds as though you may want to eventually talk to a counselor about all the trauma you experienced while with JR.

Have you tried writing how you feel down? Have you tried a grief and loss support group near your home? That's okay if you haven't; we can help support you.

Do you get out at all? I mean, not necessarily to look for someone else, but to get out and be not alone. Do you have anyone to talk to at home--your family, his family, close friends?

We can be here for you,

ModKonnie

Thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, for replying. I havent seen a counselor though I really should have but going through this alone theres a strong apathy component. I honestly feel so much better lately. There are times I still wonder when I'll feel "normal" again, and even some times that i DO feel normal.Thats a gigantic step forward. Lately I've felt a powerful need to understand JR, to piece together his life and why he was the way that he was.He continues to have a powerful impact upon my life and the effort really is worth it. The sad fact though is that while I basically "knew" him, with the pathological lying, mixed with his bi-polar disorder made it where I sincerely didnt understand his thought process. Why he did the things he did, say the things he said, make the choices that he made. I need to understand him as much as is possible, but I understand in that emotional maelstrom contained within him not even he knew himself.He was a special person and it was that golden heart within him, that gentle spark you could glimpse that made a person love him. I lay no claims to having been a victim because I gave back, we fought and we argued and we hurt each other. But instead of being racked with guilt I now accept that with what I knew at the time, the ignorance of how I'd feel if he died, with just having what I had experienced to that date I did the best I knew how with it. I had enough of my own emotional baggage to be able to clearly say we really did hurt each other. I can also honestly say that I learned both what I want to be, but also what I dont. I won't repeat my mistakes, I very much see life now through a different lens that makes me a better person and for that I thank JR.