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How can I love "in the best way" my girlfriend that is a widow ?


enrique15

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Hello, everyone. 

I don't know if I'm allowed to share this webspace with you all, because I see this site is for the ones that have lost someone, and in my case, the one that lost a partner, a husband, is this woman that I love so much, and I want to be a good friend for her.

I'll tell our story shortly:

I'm 26, she's 30 years old.

I knew her 4 months ago, because I was teaching classes in an university, where this woman was my student. And unexpected, we made a connection. Well, it was a sad connection, because I asked her if she was a "parent", and she answered me by saying "yes, I'm a mother, but widow". I felt so ashamed for my intention of making a connection with this woman, thinking that maybe she was single. But, anyway, we continued talking, and she told me that her husband passed away in a boat accident a little bit more than a year ago. An accident I knew about, because in that same event passed away a nurse that was friend of my father.  What a coincidence, I thought in that moment. 

Well, the main theme here is that she started to call me, talk to me, hang out with me a little bit, and in a little time we got in a lovely relationship. I felt happy because for my first time I felt like I got a real girlfriend. But in the days to come, sometimes she talked most of the time about the things she learned, did, and lived, with her late husband. And other days, she told me about feeling bad or ackward having me as a boyfriend, because she felt as if she was disrespecting her husband.

I'll tell you the truth: in the past 4 months that we were going out as boyfriend-girlfriend, I felt jealous of her husband, and also guilty of his death, as if he passed away because of me or something like that. All because I was worried about that she wouldn't love me as I did. 

But 2 days ago I decided to search on the internet for some informationg about "widowhood" and "how to understand a widow" and "how to be friend to a widow". And reading different web pages about the issue, I felt sad and angry with myself, thinking about how selfish I was, how stupid I was the past months. Because she is a great woman, besides the pain and suffer she's dealing with. And she loves her late husband so much. I learned reading those webpages that a person that losses his partner, in this case a widow that has lost her husband, needs a lot of patience, a lot of respect, and great amounts of love, care, and support. I understand that my previous feeling about her husband were because of my selfishness, and I'm thankful that I learned it now (4 months later) instead of 10 years later. Now I know that I owe a respect for the memory of her husband, that was a great man as she has told me, and I know that previous of acting as a boyfriend trying to gain the love of a woman, I have to be a "friend" to help her and support her in this hard times. Now I understand why she's so worried about people watching us in the streets, or that her family knows about her having a new mate, because only 2 of her friends know that she has a new relationship with a man, not even her closest sister knows about it because she get nervous about making someone angry. 

Sometimes I thought that it'll be a difficult relationship because while she's in a "grieving time", I was thinking of living a "boyfriend time". But now I understand that she loves her husband, and if she wants to create a new life with a man in the future, time will tell... but must important, I want to be with her from now on helping her, being her strength in life as much as I can, as I know her family and friends try to do every single day. 

So, I wanted to share my situation with you, who know better of what I'm talking here. And I wanted to ask you for advice to be a good man to her, not knowing if I'm planned to be a new boyfriend or even husband for her in the future. But to try being a good FRIEND to her, because she's really great with me, she has resisted lots of angry and sad moments I had with her because of my selfishness, that now I'm aware about and also feel sorry for being like that before. She's a great woman, and I want to be as much help as a man that loves a woman can be.

Thanks for reading.  And also thanks for any ideas you want to share with me. 

I'm new in this matters, but I want to be a better person everyday, and better yet, if I can be a good person beside her.

Regards.  :)

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Enrique, it sounds to me like you've done a lot of thinking and soul searching and I think just what you are doing is the best you can do for her.  I'm older, I'm 52, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to have another relationship with another man.  Ishaq was the cream of the crop as far as I'm concerned.  But if I did get in another relationship someday, Ishaq would have to be part of it.  There's no letting go of that love, of that connection. 

The best thing you can do is listen to her with an open heart, which it sounds like you are already trying to do.  From your writing, you seem to be a very patient, compassionate man, and I wish you all the luck in your relationship. 

Blessings,

Anna

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Enrique,

I would have to agree with Anna that she needs lots of patience and time and that whoever she might remarry in the future would need to realize she will always love her late husband; she can never forget him.  You sound like a very sweet person, very self-less which is so good for her right now.  She doesn't need to be thinking about a new relationship at the current time.  She needs to get all her grieving out and at the same time realizing she will never forget him.  He will always be a part of her.  I lost my husband years ago and have remarried, but my first husband is and will always be a part of me.  My second husband felt very much like you - he felt a little guilty that he was alive and my husband and the father of my baby was gone, but that was God's choice to make, not ours.  My advice is just to be her friend, as you are doing, and don't rush or push her.  She needs lots and lots of time.  She needs a friend who she can talk to about him and who will not be jealous.  Realize that if she ever does feel that she wants to get into a new love relationship, she will never forget him and she shouldn't forget him.  Their souls are intermingled, probably forever.  But that doesn't mean she might not want to remarry some time down the road.  Her new husband will not be a replacement, but will have his own place in his heart.  Thanks for coming here and asking.  Thanks for caring enough about her to put your own feelings aside enough to really care about her.  You're a good man!

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I'm very thankful for your answers, Armaiti and Misshimstill. 

I really appreciate all the help that you are providing me here.

I'll tell you more details of my special friend, so if you can give me some suggestions, it will be extraordinary.

She has a 4-year-old boy.  Surprisingly for her (and for me too, because was nice) is the fact that he became a good friend of mine, because I like to play games with little children, and because he has a lot of toys and no friend or neighbor to play with, he plays with me with his toys, and he likes that I can play with him as if I was another 4 year old little boy.  She was surprised, because of how he likes when I arrive to her house to visit her, and how nice we feel with each other. Because she told me that her biggest caution was to find a man that will like her, but also her kid, because now she feels that everything that she does is for her son. 

Another thing, a negative one, is that when we go out, she feels ashame when someone that knows her see us or finds her to say hello. Because of her feeling of being betraying her husband going out with me. As I told you before, the previous months I felt bad about it, because I didn't like that she felt ashame about me. But of course, now I know that is part of her greeving, because she loves her husband, but is scared that the people around her (family, friend, co-workers) will think that she didn't love her husband because is dating or going out with another man just a year after his death. 

Now with my knoledge and your help, I can try to be a good friend to her. But I think that even if I tell her that she doesn't have to worry about seeing me as a boyfriend so soon, just treating me as a good friend... even though she will still feel ashame about seeing me in public. 

Is there anything else I can do with her, besides being patience ? 

Should I talk to her about this things I talk with you, about how to manage greeving and being friends and go slow in life, and don't worry about talking every day about her late husband ?

Or should I just "live" the experience of being a friend knowing this things, but without telling her about it ?

And again, thank you very much for reading and helping me with your good feelings.

Regards.  :)

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Hello....

I've had a bit of a similar situation myself. My boyfriend died a few months back and i recently met a guy things happened but we're just friends now. I kept it as much of a secrete as i could not wanting it to get back to my boyfriends family. I gfound it to be a very hard situation on myself on one hand we are encouraged to move on but on the other hand its sooo hard. its true that paitence is needed a lot as well as respect. it does feel like your betraying them because you know its not what you wanted in life for that person. I know it felt to me like i was cheating on him.

Just take it slow with her.  I know for myself it is going to be very hard for me to love again for fear it will be torn away from me. explain to her the situation in your eyes- and just know that no matter how she feels about you- she will still feel a sense of sadness with her husband but it has nothing to do with her not loving you or anything. just be there for her as much as you can. she had that life and is now trying to move on from it but shes never gonna forget him. its hard to go forward and make a life wth someone else when you know all you want is for the deceeced person to be back with you.

having gone through the death of my father before the death of my boyfriend i do know it gets easier and ive watched my mom meet someone else. it is possible it just takes time and she and you will need it.

just give her some time and things will get better. I still feel the ashamed part and im just friends now with my person. its hard to explain the feeling but part of it ois that i dont want people to see me moving on because i dont want them to think i didnt love my boyfriend; i dont want it getting back to his family yet cuz im not ready for that and to explain and talk to them about it; and because i dont want him to be ever forgotten as a part of my life.

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Enrique,

I am just so impressed with you that you are so sensitive about her situation.  You obviously care about her, as well as her little boy, to be so patient with her and to get on this board and ask all of us.

When I first remarried I felt the same shame and awkwardness that you say she feels.  It went away in time and as more people found out about it.  I'll warn you that it took a couple of years for me to feel completely comfortable meeting my new husband's friends, as well as friends of mine, but that feeling that I was doing something "wrong" by being in a new relationship did eventually go away.

I would recommend that you and she talk about these things as much as you can.  That is something that I realize I did wrong was not talking about how I felt as a new wife, about my deceased husband, about my feelings for him.  I didn't want my new husband to feel like he was in competition, so I suppressed what I was feeling to the point that I also suppressed my grief... a very, very bad thing to do.  It has caused me all kinds of problems at this point in my life.  Hopefully, you can do this with her and not feel threatened by the things she says about him or about her expressing her feelings about him.  She'll aways have those feelings.  It's not like divorce where there are hard feelings and animosity. 

Thank you, Enrique, for asking these questions and for being so open to learning how to better help her, as well as being sensitive to where she is in her grief.  You're a good man!

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