I think I may have lost my soul mate

[xlizx]

On the september 25 of last year I lost my boyfriend of 1 year. We were best friends for 2 years before the death of my aunt brought us together and made us realize we were meant to be together. Our relationship was anything but perfect. He had a problem with talking to girls online and a month before he died we broke up because him talking to other women online made me feel insecure. He started talking to someone else that he met online within that month but 2 days before he died he called and told me he couldn't stand being without me and that he would tell the other women this. He never got that oppurtunity. The other woman was pregnant (not his child) and she went into labor the day before he died. He didn't want to tell her while she was in labor of course and I understood this. The day that he died he had been drinking with his cousins, then he went to the hospital to see the woman's baby. I don't know exactly what happened. I was staying in Tennessee at the time and he was in North carolina. That night I knew something was wrong. I kept waiting for his call. His phone was turned off. I had such a bad feeling that I googled his name and the area he lived. I found out he had died from a news article. He had been in a car accident. He was drinking and driving and went off the road, hit a couple of trees and went through the windshield. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt. I've rode in the car with him a million times and he ALWAYS wore his seatbelt. I received no call from his family. It turns out this new woman had told him it was my fault he was drinking. She had the advantage of living close to all of them. She sent me a message the couple of days later saying that it was a good thing that I didn't show up at the funeral. I didn't reply. On the anniversary of his death this year, I put a picture of me and him on one of my social networking profiles. I guess she's been keeping an eye on my profiles because she immediately sent me a message telling me how it was my fault he had been drinking and that she blames his death on me. I didn't reply to this message either. She tell everyone that even though he wasn't biologically the father of his daughter, he was her daddy and she gave the little girl his last name. This doesn't bother my because I know how much he wanted children and he didn't have any when he died. That's why I don't say anything to this woman. I miss him so much. I feel like no one knows how I feel. I've tried dating but it's just not working. Either I end up running them off because in my mind, I constantly compare them to him or they're totally wrong for me but they temporarily relieve the loneliness. I know I'm only 21. But at this point I feel like I'll never find anyone that made me feel the way I felt when I was with him. Before he was boyfriend and my lover, he was my best friend. For 3 years I always had him to turn to and now he's just gone. I've just now gotten to the point where I can look at his pictures without breaking down. I'm scared because I think he was who I was meant to be with. My soulmate. Now will I just have to settle for someone who I can put up with but never feel that passion that I felt for him again? I would do anything to be able to go back in time and somehow change things. I would give anything for him to be alive.

[ModKonnie]

On the september 25 of last year I lost my boyfriend of 1 year. We were best friends for 2 years before the death of my aunt brought us together and made us realize we were meant to be together. Our relationship was anything but perfect. He had a problem with talking to girls online and a month before he died we broke up because him talking to other women online made me feel insecure. He started talking to someone else that he met online within that month but 2 days before he died he called and told me he couldn't stand being without me and that he would tell the other women this. He never got that oppurtunity. The other woman was pregnant (not his child) and she went into labor the day before he died. He didn't want to tell her while she was in labor of course and I understood this. The day that he died he had been drinking with his cousins, then he went to the hospital to see the woman's baby. I don't know exactly what happened. I was staying in Tennessee at the time and he was in North carolina. That night I knew something was wrong. I kept waiting for his call. His phone was turned off. I had such a bad feeling that I googled his name and the area he lived. I found out he had died from a news article. He had been in a car accident. He was drinking and driving and went off the road, hit a couple of trees and went through the windshield. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt. I've rode in the car with him a million times and he ALWAYS wore his seatbelt. I received no call from his family. It turns out this new woman had told him it was my fault he was drinking. She had the advantage of living close to all of them. She sent me a message the couple of days later saying that it was a good thing that I didn't show up at the funeral. I didn't reply. On the anniversary of his death this year, I put a picture of me and him on one of my social networking profiles. I guess she's been keeping an eye on my profiles because she immediately sent me a message telling me how it was my fault he had been drinking and that she blames his death on me. I didn't reply to this message either. She tell everyone that even though he wasn't biologically the father of his daughter, he was her daddy and she gave the little girl his last name. This doesn't bother my because I know how much he wanted children and he didn't have any when he died. That's why I don't say anything to this woman. I miss him so much. I feel like no one knows how I feel. I've tried dating but it's just not working. Either I end up running them off because in my mind, I constantly compare them to him or they're totally wrong for me but they temporarily relieve the loneliness. I know I'm only 21. But at this point I feel like I'll never find anyone that made me feel the way I felt when I was with him. Before he was boyfriend and my lover, he was my best friend. For 3 years I always had him to turn to and now he's just gone. I've just now gotten to the point where I can look at his pictures without breaking down. I'm scared because I think he was who I was meant to be with. My soulmate. Now will I just have to settle for someone who I can put up with but never feel that passion that I felt for him again? I would do anything to be able to go back in time and somehow change things. I would give anything for him to be alive.

XLizX,

I am sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. When loved ones die, we all would give just about anything to have them back, and facing reality is very tough. Instead of trying to focus on someone else, and worrying that you won't ever find anyone, why don't you try focusing on yourself? Spend a little time alone getting to know yourself. Take some classes or try a new hobby. Figure out who you are and find hobbies, a career and a positive peer group that you can go out and have fun with eventually. If you try to move forward with your own life, who knows what will happen eventually.

You may want to start by attending a grief and loss self help group or continue to write and interact with people here.

Do you work? Do you have any friends to talk to? What about your parents?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[xlizx]

My friends and family were there for me in the beginning. But it seems like now they think I should be over it since it has been a year. Working is what got me through the next few months. I'm a union laborer and unfortunately work is a little scarce so I'm drawing unemployment. Maybe that's why it's been so bad lately. I have a lot of empty time on my hands. Sometimes I have nightmares about the car accident even though I wasn't there. And it's hard to know that there's an entire family out there that blames me for the death of their family member.