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Bum


robinf

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Bum - isn't that a funny name?  My grandsons named Jon that and he wore it so proudly.  He always said that if he was in a crowd and heard the name Bum, he would know it was him they were looking for.

December 20th - like any other morning, Jon took his shower and got ready for work.  This morning was different - he came to me with the usual kiss goodbye and said, "You know what?  I am going to play hooky today and stay home and help you wrap Christmas gifts."  Wow - that was not usual for him - he never stayed home.

We spent the day at home - wrapping gifts and him working on his computer.  In the afternoon my grandmother called from California and since he was home - he got to be a part of the conversation.  Then it was close to dinner and he called his mother to go for a ride to pick up subs.  They had a nice chat.

He came home, we ate dinner and at 8 the grandsons, ages 5 and 3 call to say goodnight.  Well Bum decided to call them a little early - around 7:30.  He first spoke with Brandyn, I hate to admit - but he is our favorite.  Jon said, "Goodnight B, I love you."  Then we waited for Kameryn to get on the phone.  He's just 3.

Jon was sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap and I was about 5 feet away on the recliner with my laptop on my lap.

Suddenly I heard a weird gasping sound and looked at him.  His head was back.  He was gasping.  I figured he just had a cramp in his back or something.  It's happened before.  I said, "Jon, what are you doing?"  He didn't answer.  I jumped up and ran to him.  I grabbed the phone and tried to get Kameryn off the phone so I could call 911.  Kameryn thought we were playing with him and he kept laughing.  (that still haunts me)  After a lot of screaming - I just hung up hoping the line would disconnect.

I layed my hand on Jon's chest and told him he would be alright - that I was there.  I looked in his eyes and saw his pupils blow.  I knew it was bad.  I felt for a pulse, there was none.

I checked the phone and I was now able to dial 911.  I told them my address and that I needed an ambulance right away.  The lady just kept saying, "Calm down so I can help you."  I just wanted a darn ambulance!  Stop telling me to calm down.  We live a half hour from town and there is no time for you to keep talking - get the ambulance.

I ran to unlock the door and ran back to pull my husband off the couch.  He is a big man - well over 250 pounds and I am disabled so I had to do a lot of pulling and tugging.  I finally got him on the floor and started CPR.  I didn't know the numbers and asked the lady and she told me 30 and 2.  So I started.  You never know how hard doing CPR is when you have to do it to your own husband and you are screaming, crying and trying to reassure him and making sure you tell him you love him.

I knew he was gone.  At the hospital they said what happened to him was the same thing that happened to the young athletes on the field.  Nothing could have saved him.  He died immediately.  He was only 51.

I am devastated.  I am alone.  We were not from here so I have no friends - not one!  There is no bereavement group in the area - no help.  I never knew that sad could be so painful.  I feel everyday like I am in a haze - my world is over.

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:?  Robin,

I am so very sorry that you need this board,  and I just hate the way the pain is just so overwhelming.   We have all been there, but it doesn't help BUT do know you are not alone.   There are so many of us on the same path as you are, some farther than others some just beginning.

How far away are your children?   I, too, feel pretty alone, my husband was a loner and than when he got ill he pulled in even more, so here I am trying to reach back out and find some friends, etc.   I do attend a Grief Group every other week and a friend of mine, who lost her husband 3 months before I did are trying to get widows in our area together once a month, We've  had 2 meetings, so far so good.

Please take care and know we all are here for you and care!

:( grannyCheryl

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I am not doing good today.  Yesterday was the 1 month date of Jon's death.  I cried all day and today I have been crying all day.  I am hurting so much.  I just can't tell you how badly I feel.  I am so sad.

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Hi Robin,

I may be responding in the wrong area. I wrote a few responses under The still of the night, but maybe that's not where I'm supposed to respond. Still very new here.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know and let many of you know, I think of you and pray for better days for us all.

I went to send an email tonight to a friend and somehow I saw that I still have my husband's work email address in there. It was like he was still here for minute. I thought I can send it to Vinnie, but then hit hard with the reality in the next second that no I can't.

Does it ever get any better ? really ?

Dawna

 

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Ladies, I am sad to say that I will be away from the computer for a little while.

Everyone thinks that I am doing good.  I am not!  I spend every evening crying and screaming uncontrollably.  I curl up in Jon's spot and totally lose my mind.

Last night was my night to have the boys.  I couldn't get it together and Carrie, Jason and my mother-in-law had to come over.

I was going through the biggest panic attack and pain that I have ever had.  I called the Help Line and was taken right to the Emergency Room for an evaluation.

I am not doing this very well.  I am not doing life very well.  I can't.  I am just so sad and so sick.  This is unbearable for me.  I am alone here at home.  I am scared and I miss him so very much.

Nothing works.  I do everything people suggest.  I try to stay busy - I  read - I read the bible - I've joined a church - I try to relax - hot baths and such.  Nothing works.  I just want to die and then again I want to live but I don't know how.

This morning I am being admitted into a Crisis Unit.  Hopefully they can help me.  I don't know but I am willing to give it a try.  I need help and there is none available to me anywhere in this county!  I need someone to sit with me and listen to me.  I need a hug.  I need someone to care about me.  I can't do this alone anymore.  I feel like I am just going to die.

I am sorry I can't be stronger.  For my grandsons and for Jon.  I just can't do this anymore.  I can't get it together.  I can't figure out how to live.

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Robin,

I am so very sorry for you and for all you are experiencing right now. Just know that it's ok to need help. It's ok to feel exactly what you are feeling. The key thing is that you reached out and let others know that you need help with this. You sought help and you will be receiving it. Be proud of that healthy choice. Your right. You can't do this alone. It's the worst thing ever. You will be in my prayers during this terrible time. Please let us know how you are doing when you are able. God Bless You Robin. ~~~~Dawna

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Robin, I think you are very strong to seek help in this way.  You know what you need and you are getting that help.  We all grieve in different ways and need different things.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers while you are away from the computer. But please, plaease right back when you can and let us know you are ok.

Blessings,

Anna

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:( Robin,  So very sorry to hear all your pain, it just brings those tears to my heart.   I am so glad you had the courage to let others know you needed help.  You are very brave.  It is just too much sometimes, and who understands but those that are on this same journey as we are.   I surely never knew it would be this traumatic and life changing moment by moment.

Please don't forget us.  We need you.  You are part of this heart broken clan, that at times rambles, cries out, cheers, crabs and all that is done without judgement by anyone at this board.  Let us know how you are, when you have the opportunity.

Sincerely, GrannyCheryl

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Well, I am back. I just spent 2 weeks in an Adult Crisis Unit.

I haven't been handling this grieving thing very well. My husband died 7 weeks ago and it feels as fresh as yesterday. I cry all the time and have had a few panic attacks.

Everyone, as well as the books, say to lean on your friends and family for support. I have no family for support and my husband was my friend. With him gone - I have nobody to lend me a shoulder to cry on.

I have to grieve alone and depend on myself for my support. It is very hard and I am so very sad all the time. It's really tough to be alone and have nobody - really, really hard. I am not sure I can do this. I am not so sure I am going to get through it.

The Crisis Unit I stayed at was always manned by social workers. I was their first grieving resident. They weren't sure what to do for me. It was a learning experience for them as well as for me.

What was good was that there was always someone there for me to talk to. When the waves hit me - and they do hit often - I had someone to talk to and they just listened and handed me tissues. I'll tell you - I used a ton of tissues!

I am home now - and alone again. I am not sure how I am going to get through each day - honestly, I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get up each day never mind breath. I am so lonely and so sad.

Robin

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Robin,  I'm glad to see you back.  I've wondered what happened to you.  I understand the pain of grieving alone.  For reasons I won't go into here, I've had to do that, also, for my husband.  I've had God alone to lean on - no people.  It gets very lonely, this grieving alone.  Grief is lonely by definition, I think.  So some extent everyone grieves alone.  However, having said that, please know that as much as all of us here on this website can grieve with you, we are.  We have all lost very important people to us; those here on this particular thread have lost husbands/partners, as you have.  We will help you by sharing your pain as much as we can as we also share our pain with you.  God bless you.  ~Oneta

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Robin, I'm so sorry you are so alone in this...but we are here for you, even if we are all over the country and the world...come here as often as you need, we are here...

There is another site, called GROWW

www.groww.org

They have chat rooms for widowed and for general...lots of sub-groups and also message boards.  There are very supportive people there, and in the chat part you can get instant support from the others in the room. 

Blessings,

Anna

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  :?  Robin,

I sure have been praying for you while you were gone.

I know the days in the early weeks are just unbelievable with pain.  So often just a thought would make me nauseated.  It takes control of our entire being.  A walking zombie....  I am at 19 months now on the 10th, and I hear by many.  You are looking well, how can you be feeling as you say so poorly- we are living their worst nightmare and at times that is why we are avoided also.  Some don't know what to say and how to treat us, sometimes we just have to accept them.  They may really want to help us but don't know how, some (silly as it is)think the best thing to do is not to mention anything about our grief and loss, (They just don't seem to get it, did we before it hit us, gosh, I hope I was better then some I've received.)

Today was an ok day for me but, the 2 prior were so sad and lonesome.  It does get easier, Robin,  maybe more bareable, but there are many many bumps in this valley.

PLEASE, know we are all here for you and have all been where you are, stay with us and just get it dumped as much as you can,here where you are understood.   I remember typing here and barely seeing the screen for all the tears that I was crying while I wrote.  We need each other!

I have you in my heart and prayers.  Hang on.  One breath at a time.  Take care of yourself, try to do something with your children that could be lighter, maybe a meal out or something....

My concern and thoughts to you, Robin!

GrannyCheryl

<:))))><

 

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 Robin glad you are back. Today is week 6 for me. I went out with a client last night for a few glass of wine this was the first time I have been out of the house at night. My client was so sad for me but after she had a few glasses of wine she started tell me her life story. I am so glad that I don't have to do the single thing. I may be a widow but I had, like most of you true love that only comes around for most once. So I came home and cried myself to sleep. I do find that getting up every morning and write in my journal helps me to be able to make it through the day. I will be praying for you and all of us.

Susan

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OH YES, Most definitely,

Start if you haven't, Robin, to write in a journal of sorts and let that pen fly.    Write the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It is only for your eyes.   Write him an on going letter, let him know what its like, it has surely helped me.   And like I say the pen can fly not always even making sense, just get those feelings and pain out.  

Now when I go back to the beginning of my wriitings, I can hardly believe it was me and it is dripping with such pain, but it was/is a release of some of it, for that moment anyway.

Please try that if you haven't already!

Take Care,

granny Cheryl   :?

 

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Robin,  I agree about the journaling and writing, even if you're not a writer.  I have written volumes, for my eyes only, and maybe my husband's if he's able to look over my shoulder.  Some people ask why do that when they can't read it, but it gets it out of us.  We need to have an outlet, and that's a good one.  And who knows if they can read it or not... maybe they can.  In fact, as I've written to him, sometimes I get what I feel is an answer back, so I write it down, too.  It helps.  We need to do whatever we find that helps.  ~Oneta

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In the crisis unit i did start journaling.  Even if i just  scribble in big red letters 3 little letters

 S A D

that is enough for that day and at least I wrote something.

 

It does help.

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I normally visit with Loss of an Adult child, but reading many other threads somethings are relevant to all of us here.

For all intense purposes we look to the outside world as normal.  Nothing visibly broken, no scars no impediment that is obvious, so from the comfort of their 'normal' life they assume we are okay to move on...........it is here and with those who have the sixth sense that we find the protection, understanding and support that will allow us to just be..........

Sometimes a reality check for those 'who would know better' is in order......I know I have just come out and told the unintiated I had a broken heart and bruised soul, not a broken toe that only impeded my walk, this pain has changed everthing......the tone of the voice and the look on my face went along way in changing this persons thinking for the better.....

I embellished this from an affirmation I have on my fridge and posted it on Loss of an Adult child, but I think it can be used across the site…….

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep                        

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times done by, good and bad.  While the child may have died, your relationship remains........

As for journalling, I have a file on this computer labelled - "No, tell me what you really feel".  It has letters to Mikes partner (being questioned about his death by the coroner) to my employer (who says assisting by phone with CPR while Mike was in full arrest doesn't mean I was working) emails and letters to Mike, the ones I will never let anyone see or read.  They allow me to vent at a level that would be unacceptable on many levels, and give me a strength to continue......Might make a book one day...working title, "Rantings of a Lost Soul" or 'The days of the Lost Mind"  etc....

 

Take care -  Trudi

 

Take care...

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Robin,  We're here...  I know you feel alone, but we're holding you up in prayer as you let us know how you're doing.  I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.  ~Oneta

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Robin,

I agree with the others about journaling. I don't do it as much now as I used to but I still turn to it when I'm really upset. Some of my pages just have I HATE THIS written in huge letters with puncture marks from the pen all around them. I write letters to Rod, prayers to God, quotes I've seen, whatever comes to mind, Some of it is almost impossible to read even for me because the writing is so scribbled. I can't explain how it helps but it does.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Everything you are experiencing and feeling is something all of us on here have shared so I think being here will help you too. Stay with us and don't be afraid to say whatever you need to.

 Mary Jo

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I miss Jon - I've missed him every second of the 7 weeks he's been gone.

I miss him helping to bring in the groceries, shovel the snow, check the air in the tires and taking out the trash.

I think its so unfair that I have to do these things. He did these things to take care of me. Now who will take care of me? I don't want to do these things - I want him to do these things.

I am afraid to wake up in the middle of the night sick with a stomach flu or something. He used to put a washcloth on the back of my neck. He would empty that trash bucket that I was sick in. He took care of me. Always!

I had reoccurring cancer 3 times - he helped me - he was always there for me and saw me through it.

When they found a lump in my breast - I ran out of the doctor's office and right into his arms. He was there.

Now what do I do when I need someone to take care of me? I have nobody and I just want him back - I want him home!!

Robin

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Robin, I'm sorry you're having such lonely feelings.  I used to feel that way, too.  I felt so alone in the world without him in it with me.  It sounds like Jon was a wonderful person and that he loved you very much and took such good care of you.  I know that you wonder how you will ever go on without him.  Those are all the feelings most of us have.  I can only tell you that in time they will begin to lessen.  They'll never go away, but they will be less intense and painful.  Cry whenever you feel like it.  Yell if it makes you feel better.  Again, journal, journal, journal.  Write all the things you feel.  Write all the things you want to say to him.  That really helped me when I was where you are now.  I think others might be able to say the same thing.  Take good care of yourself.  If you've had cancer before, you know that stress is really bad and can cause recurrences.  Get as much rest as you can and eat right.  I know you don't feel like eating, but you need to keep up your strength.  If you have a relationship with God, lean on Him.  He understands all that you're feeling and will be there for you.  I'm praying for you.  ~Oneta

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Today is not a good day.

We have so much snow and last summer Jon had a sunroom added to our home.  We always thought we would enjoy the room during these crazy long snowdays.  We never got the chance.

Today I found a leak in the sunroom.  Quite a large leak and some flooding.  Then I found out the microwave was full of water from snow blowing in the vent.

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to fix it?  I am physically unable to climb up on the roof and clear off the ice - which is melting through the wall into our sunroom.  How am I supposed to climb up there and put some kind of cover on the microwave vent?

I cleaned up the water - put a couple buckets to catch the drips in the sunroom and then I cried!  I started having chest pains and I know they were from the stress and the crying.

I curled up on my bed and just cried myself to sleep.  This is just too overwhelming for me.  Jon would have taken care of all this so quickly.  I feel so inadequate.  Why did he have to leave me to deal with all this?

 

 

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Hi, Robin.  I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  Something like that leak can make even the strongest person crumple into a heap in the floor.  You're not weak if you give into those feelings.  I would cry myself to sleep, too, if I were you.  I have no idea how many times I've cried myself to sleep. 

Do you have any male friends or a neighbor who could take a look at the roof for you?  Or failing that, maybe you could look online to see if there is some kind of handyman who might advertise to do things like that.  I don't know what else you could do besides that.  A woman alone feels so vulnerable when it comes to things like this.

I am praying for you.  Again, I'm just so sorry that things are so hard for you right now.  ~Oneta

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Dear Misshimstill,

I have found alot of comfort in the last days from some of your posts on the different boards.  Your mature advise is very honest and helpful.   Thank you!

Dear Robin,

I just had to buy a new car.  First one I have ever bought.  Tim would do that, he'd talk to me about what I thought or was there something special I wanted in it, etc.  But, I never before did all this myself.   Its another defining moment.   (Like when I had to shovel the roof of snow, change a light fixture, finish the closet WE had started in our back entry and the list goes on and will continue to go on.......At times it is just too much. . .I guess that's why we can't even think about tomorrow much less take on what may come yet tonight.

I do hope you were able to get the roof problem solved without too much of a hassle-That's kinda dumb! A roof leaking IS a hassle to begin with!

Sincerely,  (((Hugs)))

GrannyCheryl

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Robin,  Are you still with us?  I hope you're doing okay.  Write a little something to us just to let us know you're still with us if you don't feel like writing a whole lot. 

Cheryl, Thank you for what you said to me.  I think with what we've all been through, we have a lot of wisdom between all of us.  I see the same thing in the things you write.  Gosh!  Maybe it has something to do with our age!  You think?  :)  ~Oneta

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