Forever is such a long time

[jamiedefrain]

Forever is such a long time, and on January 1, 2009 i found out just exactly what those words meant. At the time i lived in the house with my mom, dad, and older brother Loren who was 28, I was 22 at the time. My parents left for a ski trip Christmas day and were due back on the 5 of January. New years eve came and my brother was going to party, one of the things he did best. I decided to stay in because of the drunk drivers on the road. as he walked out the door he said he would call me at midnight to which me a happy new year and told me he loved me. I never heard my brothers voice again. I got a call at almost five in the morning, i was up making phone calls to find my brother because i have not heard from him. This phone call was not the one i was hoping for. It was a doctor from memorial Herman hospital in Houston taxes informing me that i needed to come down because my brother was involved in an accident and was life flighted there. My heart dropped. i was so panicked i couldn't drive, my friend drove me there. The doctor pulled me back right away and told me that Loren was involved in a car accident and went through the windshield, and that the prognosis was not good. He was explaining to me how my brothers brain had completely shifted to one side of his head, and was in a coma. I had to make the call to my mom and dad that their son was in critical condition and in surgery at this time to have his skull cap removed so his brain could breathe so to speak. the swelling was that bad. They wouldn't be home for another 25 hours. I found myself taking care of the one person who had always taken care of me. I made so many medical decisions that night my head was spinning. On January 4 my brother was pulled off of life support after being pronounced brain dead. My world changed. I have never known a life without Loren in it, and the thought of having to function knowing i will never get one of his famous bear hugs or hearing his infectious laugh again, was absolutely murderous to my soul, to make things worse, i get to watch my parents crumble with grief knowing that nothing i could do would even touch the pain they are feeling. That entire year i woke up not knowing why. Completely numb and joyless. The pain doesn't get better we have just learned how to deal with it better. My brother was the victim of his OWN drunk driving accident. No one else was hurt thankfully, but he managed to kill his self and turn our lives upside down. I have no one to be mad at but him and all i want to do is scream at him and ask him why. Why didn't he call me for a ride, or take a cab. So many questions go unanswered and as the dreaded holidays approach i find myself regressing in the grief process. This year is worse that last year. I feel like i share the grief on my own. My parents understand the grief of the loss of a child not a sibling. I have an older brother who lives in Ohio and as much as i would like to say this experience has brought us closer that is not the case. He ahs told me that he is oddly comfortable with our brother being dead and has secluded himself from the rest of the family and we have never spoken about Loren since because he shuts me down. Loren and i were the closest of the three of us towards the end of his life, But they were close growing up. I suppose i am on this forum to make contact with others that know what i am feeling and are willing to talk about it. I sometimes feel like i am going crazy with grief. Forever is such a long time, i forever will miss his laugh, hugs, smile, protection, love and comfort and i now get to experience just how long forever is.

[ModKonnie]

Forever is such a long time, and on January 1, 2009 i found out just exactly what those words meant. At the time i lived in the house with my mom, dad, and older brother Loren who was 28, I was 22 at the time. My parents left for a ski trip Christmas day and were due back on the 5 of January. New years eve came and my brother was going to party, one of the things he did best. I decided to stay in because of the drunk drivers on the road. as he walked out the door he said he would call me at midnight to which me a happy new year and told me he loved me. I never heard my brothers voice again. I got a call at almost five in the morning, i was up making phone calls to find my brother because i have not heard from him. This phone call was not the one i was hoping for. It was a doctor from memorial Herman hospital in Houston taxes informing me that i needed to come down because my brother was involved in an accident and was life flighted there. My heart dropped. i was so panicked i couldn't drive, my friend drove me there. The doctor pulled me back right away and told me that Loren was involved in a car accident and went through the windshield, and that the prognosis was not good. He was explaining to me how my brothers brain had completely shifted to one side of his head, and was in a coma. I had to make the call to my mom and dad that their son was in critical condition and in surgery at this time to have his skull cap removed so his brain could breathe so to speak. the swelling was that bad. They wouldn't be home for another 25 hours. I found myself taking care of the one person who had always taken care of me. I made so many medical decisions that night my head was spinning. On January 4 my brother was pulled off of life support after being pronounced brain dead. My world changed. I have never known a life without Loren in it, and the thought of having to function knowing i will never get one of his famous bear hugs or hearing his infectious laugh again, was absolutely murderous to my soul, to make things worse, i get to watch my parents crumble with grief knowing that nothing i could do would even touch the pain they are feeling. That entire year i woke up not knowing why. Completely numb and joyless. The pain doesn't get better we have just learned how to deal with it better. My brother was the victim of his OWN drunk driving accident. No one else was hurt thankfully, but he managed to kill his self and turn our lives upside down. I have no one to be mad at but him and all i want to do is scream at him and ask him why. Why didn't he call me for a ride, or take a cab. So many questions go unanswered and as the dreaded holidays approach i find myself regressing in the grief process. This year is worse that last year. I feel like i share the grief on my own. My parents understand the grief of the loss of a child not a sibling. I have an older brother who lives in Ohio and as much as i would like to say this experience has brought us closer that is not the case. He ahs told me that he is oddly comfortable with our brother being dead and has secluded himself from the rest of the family and we have never spoken about Loren since because he shuts me down. Loren and i were the closest of the three of us towards the end of his life, But they were close growing up. I suppose i am on this forum to make contact with others that know what i am feeling and are willing to talk about it. I sometimes feel like i am going crazy with grief. Forever is such a long time, i forever will miss his laugh, hugs, smile, protection, love and comfort and i now get to experience just how long forever is.

Jaime,

My brother was the victim of a drunk driving accident in which he was the one also drinking and driving. He was the only person involved and was killed instantly. For years and years, my family completely shut down about talking about him. My dad couldn't say his name without crying hysterically, so pictures of him and remembrances were forbidden when Dad was anywhere within hearing distance. Mom would talk about him with us, but we siblings got through by talking with friends and each other once in awhile. No one thought to go to family counseling.

So, I understand what you are saying. Stop thinking about forever. Forever is scary no matter what you think about it and whatever the context of forever is. Instead, until you can expand the time, just think about one day at a time.

His laughter, his smile, his protection and his love are still here. You have them tucked away nice and neatly in a place where they will never be gone. They are in your memory, and when they don't cause intense pain and anguish, you will be away to reach in there and pull them out, experience them again, smile, laugh with him and then tuck them back in safe and sound. It just might take awhile to get to that point.

In meantime, we will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[ada33r]

Hello Jamie,

I'm truly and deeply sorry for what happened to you. I have not lost any sibling in death and I cannot imagine what that would be like. In fact, growing up my sister and I were never close but after the birth of my baby, over a year ago, we have become so close that I wish we could go back in time and take back all the years we lost.

Of course, this does NOT compare to what you are feeling and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. The death of a loved can bring so many overwhelming emotions like shock, numbness, anger, sadness, and guilt. However, since everybody grieves in a different way there is no "correct' way to grieve. The process cannot be rushed, as if there was some sort of "deadline" you have to meet in which you should feel better.

If your suffering can be compared to a bottomless pit and you are being worn out by your despair, you are experiencing something similar to what happened to Jacob, when he was told that his son Joseph had died. In fact, the Bible says that he "kept refusing to take comfort" (Genesis 37:35)

But, Jamie, I ask you to please take care of yourself. Grief can take a heavy toll both physically and emotionally. Get the proper rest and eat nutritious foods. I'm sure you may not have the desire to shop or cook but neglecting your nutrition can only lead to infection and illness.

If you ever come back to this thread, please let us know how you are doing. Hope to hear back from you.

Kind Regards,

Ada

[jamiedefrain]

Thank you so much for everyone's post. The holidays are so rough but we are trying to get through it together. This will be three years. I have been told it is one of the hardest years. I'm hoping next year will be a little easier.

[jamiedefrain]

Your words and insight on what I am feeling has been so helpful to me. I am sorry for your loss and for the pain your family is suffering. This year seems to be the hardest one for me yet and with his death day approaching its only get worse. My agitation levels are through the roof and everything is making me weepy. I just keep your words of comfort in my head and try to take it a day at a time as you said. It's more manageable that way. The holidays are the toughest part to get through every year.